| Vegeta & Rian:The War Years Reviews; (just please be kind) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: 25th May 2010 - 04:28 AM (1,176 Views) | |
| Ruby | 25th May 2010 - 04:28 AM Post #1 |
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Stuck in the 80s
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OMG, I am so nervous! Understatement, haha... ^^; This is my first time on a website posting my fanfics and I'm actually asking for reviews. Whoa. But this is what I'm here for, so....Okay, new update for my readers. This reveiw section is just for my Vegeta & Rian story. I also have to use a public computer until mine gets fixed, so don't expect me to be able to update often. I will update as much as I can whenever possible. It may be once a week, or, if I'm lucky, once a day for a day or two. Depends on if my home computer has a meltdown or not. THIS IS IMPORTANT: I've seen my story has been viewed a lot, but no one except Kiyza is reviewing it. I admit I get a little nervous over reviews because I'm afraid of people telling me my fic sucks, but I still get excited when I see I have reviews. It's a mixed bittersweet thing, I guess. Anyway, the point is if you like it enough to read it then please review! Even if you know nothing about Dragon Ball Z just please say something. I'm a big girl. I can handle it now. And if I don't like it... *points to Super Saiyan Vegeta powering up his Big Bang attack* ...then he can handle things for me! |
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| Kiyza | 26th May 2010 - 01:21 PM Post #2 |
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Transforumer, poster in disguise
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Before I actually delve into the story itself, I'd like to make a few quick comments. First of all, if all of what's there is an entire chapter, why not just make it a single post? It's a lot easier to navigate through that way. Second, be sure to name your story in the topic title for this. Also, don't be afraid to accept reviews. I enjoy criticism, and the fact that I do is the reason we even know each other. Be open to it, as well as the opinions of others. Post 1: It's a decent beginning, but the fact that you mention in the introduction that's she's in love with Vegeta seems cliche to people who read a lot of Dragon Ball fanfiction, and just the fandom in general. I reccomend you build up to that. Oh, and a minor detail, no one in Dragon Ball has a last name. Only a few have familly names, such as Son Goku, but they're always in the Japanese format of putting the "last" name first. Post 2: I liked the introduction with the bird; it helps to set the mood. Post 3: What naming schemes are you using for the character's names? It sounds unusual to have characters that aren't named after something. Aliens like them are almost named after fruit. Post 4: You did a great job describing the pain, but what about the ki blast? I know it's a pretty generic attack, but I think it deserves some description. Post 5: Rian seems ususually kind for a Saiyan. Maybe her manner of speaking should be a little more gruff? Post 6: Vegeta's very in character in this paragrap, that's a good sign that you're not writing some crazy romance fic like the intro seems to suggest. Post 7: Not much to comment on with this one. |
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| Anti | 26th May 2010 - 01:36 PM Post #3 |
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I got nuffin'.
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Ruby posted this before I updated the rules, so I'll let her off this time. Ruby, if you can change the topic title, that'll be great. And remember to put a link to this page at the beginning of the story so users know where to go. |
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| Ruby | 1st June 2010 - 09:15 PM Post #4 |
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Stuck in the 80s
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Hi guys. Glad to be here for as long as my computer allows. Thanks Kiyza. No, I'm not writing a crazy romance fic. lol. The intro is just like a way to show where this is coming from and then start telling how it began. I try to keep Vegeta in character as much as possible. This isn't a far flung love story. And Rian does seem nice for a Saiyan, but she has her mean points. You have to wait for it. I don't really have a naming plan for unimportant characters that I don't plan on using a second time. I just needed two guys to attack Vegeta. But for later characters, like my Saiyan OCs, I even go so far as to name a few of them after vegetables found in the rain forest! Also, I would put it all in one post if I could, but my busted old computer doesn't agree with that idea... <_< *sigh* I try my best... And AntiMew, I'm sorry about all of that. My computer doesn't work so well with linking. It's in such bad shape I can hardly use it for anything. I've tried to edit that top part, but my computer won't work that well. Can you fix it? I promise to be more careful next time... |
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| Anti | 2nd June 2010 - 12:19 AM Post #5 |
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I got nuffin'.
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Don't worry about it, the rule wasn't up at the time. Hmm, now I have a dilemma. You have more than on non-interactive story so you can either make a seperate topic for each one (which will take up space) or lump all the reviews in one place (which means the reviews for each story will be mixed up). I'll change this to be a topic about Vegeta & Rian:The War Years, and if you decide to do something different let me know
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| Ruby | 20th June 2010 - 06:59 PM Post #6 |
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Stuck in the 80s
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I think I'll fill some space with my own little FAQ section. And btw, Kiyza was the first to write an FAQ for her story. So the credit for this idea goes to her. Q:How long have you been writing Dragon Ball/Z/GT fics? A:A little over ten years now. I write my stories in notebooks since my computer eats anything I store in it. The earliest date I have written in my first notebook is September 28th 1998. Q:Do you write anything that DOESN'T involve Vegeta? A:Yes...at times. My first fic was a purely DB story about Goku and Yamcha that later turned into a DBZ fic with a lot of Piccolo in it. I like Piccolo, in fact he was my favorite character before I discovered Vegeta. I once tried to write a story about nothing but Piccolo and Gohan, but my sudden love for Vegeta stopped that whole project right in its tracks. I still like Piccolo though, just not as much as I used to. Q:How long is Vegeta & Rian:The War Years? A:About a dozen of my notebooks long. I'm not kidding! I won't be using every last bit of them in the story however, as I don't think some of the chapters are good enough, or they're just filled with extra stuff that's not important to the overall story. If you think of any questions I'll do my best to answer. ![]() R&R people! Or else Vegeta's going to get seriously pissed! :angry: |
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| peggs9 | 23rd June 2010 - 03:33 AM Post #7 |
Level 6 Member
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For a start i will say that that was the most brutal marriage proposal ever, i loved it! :wub: and i like the creepy overtones of vegeta's flashbacks. I have more to say about this fic but for the moment i have to get back to studying. good job! -peggy |
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| Anti | 23rd June 2010 - 01:09 PM Post #8 |
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I got nuffin'.
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I wish I had time to actually read these stories rather than just skimming them... Hey Peggs, welcome to AntiFanfiction!
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| Kiyza | 1st July 2010 - 03:54 PM Post #9 |
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Transforumer, poster in disguise
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Please, please, please make a space in between the lines. It's very difficult to read if it's not all seperated out into nice, neat paragraphs. It's a lot easier for me to read, considering how much there actually is. For this reason, I'm only going to give my thoughts on chapter one. I'll get to everything else later. Also, your grammar needs improvement in some cases. Spell check is your best friend. Also, I feel that this story needs more description. One of the things I noticed is that when Rian's tail is first mentioned, you never say that it's a wolf's tail. Also, instead of saying "Half an hour later..." you could describe time passing. Did it feel like a few seconds, or a few years? Description is a key element in any story, where as yours is mostly dialogue. I feel that one of the things that really sucks me in is a good description. |
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| Ruby | 1st July 2010 - 07:33 PM Post #10 |
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Stuck in the 80s
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Kiyza....Let me tell you a few things. I'll be honest with you, every single post I've made here was done on my Nintendo DSi. So I have no spell check. I can't upload from a computer. I have to leave out lines between the paragraphs because only so much text will fit in a single post. My computer is just dead at this point, and my wireless internet setup goes in and out so badly that I never know when I can connect to update. And I never have enough time at the library to fix all the things I've posted. That's why I have so many, many, many problems. ![]() My poor grammer and lack of decription is due to the fact that I first started writing this story over ten years ago. I wasn't that good at writing back then. It improves as the story goes on, and I am trying to rewrite most of it in my notebooks before I copy it here. And as for lack of decription, I can only fit so much text into a post, like I said before. |
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| Kiyza | 2nd July 2010 - 04:16 PM Post #11 |
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Transforumer, poster in disguise
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I feel really sorry for you. It might be high time to just flat out get a new computer. I wish there was something I could do to help, but alas, I am but a poor American school girl. (well, I have money, but not enough to buy a computer and ship it overseas... I barely have enough money to pick up new Dragon Ball DVDs these days.:wacko:)Either way, here's to hoping that you can do something about it in the near future. I'll get around to reviewing everthing else sometime between now and next week. I've got a flipping HUGE project to work on right now, one that's been ongoing for almost exactly two whole years now. It's original fiction, but I still hope to post it on the fourms. I might actually just make a website for it... |
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| Ruby | 2nd July 2010 - 05:58 PM Post #12 |
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Stuck in the 80s
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Thanks for your understanding and hopes for better times in the future, Kiyza. My boyfriend works and is trying to save up enough money so I can get a new computer and toss the old one. But ship a computer overseas? Kiyza, I live in California. Where do you think I live?I might have more money for things if I wasn't spending it all on DB DVDs myself! Guess we both have similar money issues. Oh well.
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| Kiyza | 3rd July 2010 - 12:58 PM Post #13 |
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Transforumer, poster in disguise
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Ah, I mistook your timezone difference for being European! I feel like a moron now. I live on the east coast, so the time change would be equivilant to you being somewhere in Europe. ^^;
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| peggs9 | 21st July 2010 - 06:27 AM Post #14 |
Level 6 Member
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Its interesting how Rian is combat focused and bloodthirsty like any saiyan yet still retains her human side, like when she helps Raditz and worries about Vegeta, etc. its quite well done |
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| peggs9 | 3rd August 2010 - 07:58 AM Post #15 |
Level 6 Member
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yay, jeice has arrived in the story
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| peggs9 | 9th August 2010 - 01:53 AM Post #16 |
Level 6 Member
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poor vegeta. he never seems to get a break in this story. Always getting sick or something. you just love to torture him dont you ruby? |
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| Ruby | 10th August 2010 - 12:16 AM Post #17 |
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Stuck in the 80s
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Lol! I knew somebody would bring that up eventually. No peggs, I'm not torturing him for my own amusement. Good heavens, no. When Vegeta gets sick, it's an excuse for Rian to spend more time with him, thereby strengthening their bond and reminding Vegeta why he shouldn't tell Rian to piss off and kill her. |
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| peggs9 | 10th August 2010 - 07:21 AM Post #18 |
Level 6 Member
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oh i see. that is actually a good reason. he doesn't relly seem to notice her a lot otherwise. well, not all the time anyway. i kind of meant it jokingly anyway. it is fun to write angst though ok i really enjoyed the latest update, it was very intense. I think you captured his suffering and the mental effects of his past really well. its a very in depth look at his psychological state. the descriptions of the physical injuries and the illness are also quite realistic and i thought they served s a good metaphor for the mental pain he is going through. Freeza is such a creep! keep up the good work
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| peggs9 | 13th August 2010 - 06:53 AM Post #19 |
Level 6 Member
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i loved the way jeice and his sister use some of the australian words, it had special meaning for me i got it the thing is, why didn't they know english before? we speak english over here :lol: though it makes sense cause they weren't actually from australia on earth :)))) lol we actually do call sausages snags and sandwhichs sangers sometimes. is that what cotton candy is? fairy floss? fairy floss is a better name! its sounds tastier! and speaking of roos, there's a forest ten minutes from my house and if you go tere at duck there's all these cute little kangaroos hopping around. but don't touch the wild ones, they might try to disembowel you :lol: i was gunna say something else. oh that's right. i liked the way Vegeta was thinking about the blood stained fields and ruined fields it was again a good use of metaphor. it was very melancholy and regretful |
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| Ruby | 13th August 2010 - 06:36 PM Post #20 |
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Stuck in the 80s
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I knew you'd like those parts about Jeice and his sister. I added that just for you, peggs. ![]() I learned a few Australian words and phrases in a magazine years ago, and from just out of no where I remembered them at the last second before making that post. I thought, "I've just got to put that in there for peggs!" So I added it at the last second. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
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![]](http://b3.ifrm.com/5920/76/0/p3001807/pipend.png)
But this is what I'm here for, so....






It might be high time to just flat out get a new computer. I wish there was something I could do to help, but alas, I am but a poor American school girl. (well, I have money, but not enough to buy a computer and ship it overseas... I barely have enough money to pick up new Dragon Ball DVDs these days.:wacko:)
Where do you think I live?
Guess we both have similar money issues. Oh well.
I feel like a moron now. I live on the east coast, so the time change would be equivilant to you being somewhere in Europe. ^^;
12:41 AM Jul 11