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Vegeta & Rian:The War Years Reviews; (just please be kind)
Topic Started: 25th May 2010 - 04:28 AM (1,179 Views)
peggs9
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lol raditz, he's very childish isn't he? always with the toilet humour:P this story is unique in that he's more lovable than usual

I see, the star fighters are like a female ginyu force. they really should do poses, it would be hilarious :lol: i can just picture them rehearsing it and vegeta taking the piss out of rian for it
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peggs9
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i enjoyed their posing session. they're just not as graceful as the ginyu force are they :P
feel really sorry for raditz though. poor guy needs a girlfriend
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peggs9
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i really like how so much thought has gone into the concepts for the alien races in these battles. it's very creative. as always the action scenes are exciting.

i remembered what it was i wanted to ask you too. I was wondering about how the previous chapters went into Vegeta's past, and whether this storyline continues. It would be interesting to see a resolution to it all, like whether Rian finds out or gets involved somehow, whether he confronts Frieza, how he recovers from /deals with it, if he gets revenge, etc.
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Ruby
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First of all, let me thank you for all of your great reviews. I had no idea I wrote fight scenes so well. It makes me so happy to hear that I did a good job when I thought I sucked at it.

Second of all, an answer to your question. Hmmm.... How could I put this without giving too much away... The storyline about Vegeta's past will continue and Rian will find out and get involved. I don't want to go into too much detail just yet. But don't worry, there's still more to come. Of course, Vegeta might be a bit too out of it when that time comes to confront Freeza. That'll be Rian's job.
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peggs9
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your welcome ^_^ the continuation of the storyline sounds very interesting. I'm glad it will be going on, because in a lot of fics that aren't written as well as this, i notice this sought of thing happening and then thats it, the plotline is just dropped. and you're left wondering 'are they ok? do they recover? will they get revenge?'

anyways, keep up the good work :)
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Kiyza
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kiyza¡¯s el Grande Review of Chapter 2
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Post 1:

The first paragraph was in major need of more description. It seems so short when it could be really emotional and drag you further into the story. Talk about how Rian carefully supports him during the flight, maybe a little dialogue between the two of them while flying. When writing romance of any sort, realistic dialogue between the two falling in love is key, especially if they¡¯re not fond of each other from the start. Also, ¡°The kitchen was to the north,¡± kind of makes little sense. I assume you mean in front of them, but it¡¯s kinda hard to tell where north is without a compass.

And then there¡¯s this phrase: ¡°That of course meant that Vegeta had killed them.¡± You shouldn¡¯t just point this out like that. Either let the reader realize that on their own, have Rian pester Vegeta about it more, or have Rian in thought about what the phrase means.

The variation with the words after dialogue is rather nice, as a lot of the time I¡¯ve just seen ¡°X said¡± after a sentence. Adding description about how they say it adds more depth to the story.

Post 2:

The first sentence really doesn¡¯t quite suck me in, to be honest. Maybe something about sneaking into the kitchen, moving stealthily to avoid squeaky floorboards would be better. Let¡¯s not forget this is the middle of the night.

The description of Vegeta isn¡¯t exactly how I¡¯d go about describing a character. Flat out saying they¡¯re handsome is generally associated with poor writing, and I¡¯d certainly say it falls under that category. Don¡¯t start it with saying he¡¯s handsome. The second sentence would have made a much better beginning to it.

The bit about Rian touching his hair is going just a little bit too far for an early part of a romance fic. It needs to build to a point where that would make a bit more sense to do, preferably while he¡¯s awake.

Post 3:

The dialogue here is rather bland. It could use a little more description of how they¡¯re saying things, perhaps with intrigue or curiosity on Rian¡¯s part. That¡¯s my only real criticism for this part.

The yelling Vegeta¡¯s doing seems very realistic, as well as in character, which is rare for a romance fic between him and OC. I¡¯m rather impressed.

Post 4:

Rian¡¯s bit about wanting to kill people being normal just seems a bit unusual. What I think was giving her a bit of uniqueness was the fact that she seems somewhat shy and doesn¡¯t seem like she wants to kill people. Making a character stray from their race¡¯s stereotypes helps to give them more depth.

I¡¯ve gotten many a compliment about a particularly hotheaded and aggressive Namekian character I role play as, which strays significantly from the common stereotypes of them being very calm. It really does help to make your character unique.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, Ki finally wrote a review for this fic! Yayz! And it¡¯s helpful (I hope¡¦ ^^;) criticism that¡¯s honest and fair.

Don¡¯t take this the wrong way, but it takes a lot to impress me with a fanfic, especially when it¡¯s VegetaXSelf Insert. It¡¯s so common it¡¯s been done to death and wished back with the dragon balls only to be killed again. But so far, this does have a touch of uniqueness. Improving your own writing and becoming more experienced is always going to make it better.

Please not, that like Anti, I have difficulty pointing out what I like about a fanfic. I find it much easier to point out what I find to be bland or I just don¡¯t like in general. Don¡¯t get me wrong, this fic has potential.

Either way, I¡¯ll try to write a review at a rate of a chapter a week, so remind me on Sunday in case I forget. I might not make the deadline that time because that¡¯s when school starts for me¡¦ -_- FFFFFFUUUUU-

Either way, I¡¯ll certainly read more of this. I¡¯m a critic at heart, and I feel I can¡¯t review something without pointing out every little detail. (I¡¯ll probably be doing this for Dragonball Evolution in the near future, just so it doesn¡¯t come across solely as bashing the film for all it¡¯s worth. I just need to actually watch it again¡¦ :/)

~Kiyza, The Head-Cha-La
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peggs9
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man those alcoholic berries really screwed things up didn't they? its a shame about the censoring, i think the drunken one nighter betwen those two would be very entertaining :P man i sound like such a pervert <_<

anyway its quite the triangle you've created. i'm really wondering what's going to happen when/if Vegeta finds out. you've done a good job weaving a bit of drama and suspense in here.

i also like how the oc's are being introduced, it's good to see all these unique characters in the story
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Ruby
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I'd love to PM the details on Rian and Raditz's one night stand to you peggs, but it's such a long involved scene I don't think I could fit it into a single post! :P Lets just say Raditz's tail gets involved in a very special way. ;)

The results of Rian and Raditz's night together actually create an entirely different story seporate from the original fic. In time I will post that here too, as combining them would detract from Vegeta and Rian's main story line too much. But there will still be some Vegeta/Rian/Raditz drama in the current story.
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peggs9
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i just hope Vegeta doesn't kill him :blink: . if he knew what had happened he certainly wouldn't care to get raditz back home so he doesn't drop dead from the poison...
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peggs9
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i really liked the description of the storm in these posts. it was a nice dark, forboding image to set the mood for the battle.

it seems like things are kind of falling apart for this group of warriors too. i'm worried about whats going to happen to them
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peggs9
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You've done well at conveying rian's conflicting emotions in this post. looks like she's going to have to choose between them both. Raditz must be incredibly confused right now too.
it's interesting how all vegetas memories are unfolding too. you'd probably be interested to know that his amnesia is resolving in a fairly realistic way. when people lose the memories they had *before* the accident, often they'll still remember the earliest memories they had and the more recent ones will be lost.
they start recovering the oldest ones first.
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peggs9
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I liked the way you described the ship, with the shadows moving across the walls and such. Gave the whole place an eerie feeling.
i feel bad for Vegeta and how he's slipping into madness again. And for raditz too, just because he must have been feeling really pathetic in that whole situation. You write his character in a really original way

there was something else i was going to say... thats right, about the way Vegeta is havng these hallucinations like on the beach. its quite trippy and scary. good job on that. i'm really enjoying the story, i missed it while you were gone
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peggs9
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these recent posts are going a lot deeper into the history between vegeta and frieza which is really interesting even though its sad. the description of his reaction to it is realistic as well. I like how his doctor is involved with everything as well. i like that character. its good how there is so much originality in this fic
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peggs9
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this it the part of the story i've been waiting for. i'm very curious to see how rian will respond to ll this. i don't know if you were planning to post what Vegeta tells her, but it would be really interesting. i always wonder that if it ever comesto that point in my story, where characters have to tell someone about something really serious and difficult that they've never spoken about. its one of the most difficult scenarios to approach writing about.

i thought the letters Vegeta wrote, (or were they diary entries) were another good idea for explaning everything thats happened in the past, and quoting from the secret diary of laura palmer compliments that nicely
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Ruby
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Thank you so much for your great reviews, peggs. I feel super happy right now! :D
I hope the next chapter is to your liking. I really had to think hard on some of the next few bits of my story.

Did you know that this story is almost finished? The story is entering the final chapters, but I'll still be able to update it for another month or two, or three maybe. Of course this is only part 1 of my long running series of Vegeta & Rian books. There will be more in this series once this one is done, and a lot of side stories that branch off from it too.

I'd also like to add that Vegeta's doctor isn't an OC of mine. He's a real character on DBZ who only appeared in a few scenes. Remember the doctor who took care of Vegeta after his battle on Earth with Goku? He's the one. He's the one who went after Vegeta telling him he forgot his scouter when Vegeta was leaving and bumped into Kui. I heard his name was Rooster, and since I needed a doctor for Vegeta in my story, I borrowed his character for my fics.
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peggs9
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i definitely enjoyed the latest posts. it was a pretty hard subject to approach but you handled it nicely. i liked how you showed the unstable side of Vegeta, it's not something that comes out very often in him. Its good to see all the different facets of a character in a story. he's really lucky he's got Rian there. she seems to handle the situation really well without pitying him and giving him space when he needs it. good job, looking forward to seeing how this first book concludes. i hope frieza gets whats coming to him eventually.

and the beginning of the shower scene was hot!

i remeber doctor rooster now! he's in my story too i think!
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peggs9
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i don't want jeice to die it would make me so sad :( :( :( :doro: :doro:
i hope he finds a way to escape...
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Ruby
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Oh, is the suspense starting to get to you, peggs? I knew you'd worry about Jeice the moment I posted that.

Well I can't give away anything about Jeice's fate just yet... But I will say this-his true friendship with Rian will become very clear towards the end of the story, and he will prove very useful to her.

Better get ready for some epic fight scenes because this story is in the home stretch now!
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peggs9
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i see these epic fight scenes are coming to pass now. i hope this whole thing backfires horribly on freeza, he totally deserves it.

man i hate that predak guy, he's such a prick. i bet his dad is ashamed to have spawned him. i was going to say something else too, thats right, these monks are really interesting villains, i like the description of their looks and abilities and such. and i thought jeice was especially in character this chapter. not that he isnt normally, but he was particularly well written in the current battle with his freaking out and such. i remember he was like that in battle with goku
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peggs9
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ruby, i'm going to have to somehow enter your story and kill all these monks myself for hurting jeice :( :( how could they!!!!
this is going to be a very interesting ending, its got me on teh edge of my seat now
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