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| Spur Of The Moment; poem?....tell me if u like it, :) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 28 2005, 12:41 PM (136 Views) | |
| maverick | Sep 28 2005, 12:41 PM Post #1 |
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Brackenwood Newbie
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Feeling naked sitting all alone my souls detached my heart grows cold, slowly dying from the inside out my heart is now crying for some help, smoking a ciggerette thinking to myself is this thee end, or can i pull myself out? its never been this bad can i make myself not feel sad? this pain that throbbs deep within is tearing me apart from end to end, I try to lie to myself to keep the tears from bursting out, but i cant help but feel weak my heart has almost reached its peak, from all the sorrow kept deep beneath but i cant help i'm just a child that always weeps. so whatcha think, its justed popped in my head when i was sitting along and i think its alright, so i want ur opinions. |
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| Phoenixphire44 | Sep 28 2005, 01:54 PM Post #2 |
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Gone
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Welcome to the forums! I'm Phoenix, you'll learn to hate me if you stay around long enough.
As for the poem, kinda gives a pathetic feeling. Not that the poem is pathetic Just that the character is completely hopeless. (Fingers crossed for that being what you were going for.) I was kinda hoping for a climax and resolution. But the character's thought just seem to complain and loath. But we've all had those days. Maybe some spelling, bigger vocabulary and cleaning up the flow of it. It rhymes in some lines but not others. Kinda choppy. But maybe you were going for erratic depressed teenage thoughts? Not sure, but it's pretty darn good for popping out of no where. Check out the poetry thread. It needs some new stuff in it, you might just be what it needs! See you on the boards! |
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| Turnip05 | Sep 28 2005, 09:19 PM Post #3 |
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Majestic Turnip
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I'd love to be able to write poems like that. Nice atmoshere created. It should be used on one of those 'stop bullying campaigns'. Nice work
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| Foster | Sep 29 2005, 05:10 AM Post #4 |
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Token Canuck
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Yeah, what Phoenix said. Not about hating her, about the poem. Everybody loves Phoenix, even through the various murderous rampages... Anyway, the poem. It shows promise, but you should edit a little after you get your first thoughts down. Work on meter a little bit, but don't make sure that doesn't become your focus. |
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| neko_aku | Sep 29 2005, 03:44 PM Post #5 |
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Lyl Daelyri Lusiud
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i think it started out well but the rythm started to fall apart towards the middle i had troble reading it but i liked it |
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5:13 AM Jul 12