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| Unmasked; Ocarina of Time | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 18 2005, 01:21 PM (188 Views) | |
| Ignia | Oct 18 2005, 01:21 PM Post #1 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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His breath echoed in his heaving lungs as his sword clashed against the creature’s. He swung the blade up it ringing like a bell against the scaly beast’s long sword. They locked blades, and the hero’s muscles strained to push the creature back. “Link! His back is his weak spot!” Link shot a glance at the Shiekkah. As sweat rolled down the side of his face, Link wondered why Shiek didn’t bother to help. He seemed well fit enough, but there was much Link realized he didn’t know about this ‘ally.’ With a winded yell, the hero threw the monster back, and drove the Master Sword down upon the nefarious opponent. The beast rolled away and came back with a wicked swipe. Link threw up his shield and raised the Legendary Blade high. But as he brought it down the monster slashed across Links forearm, cutting deep into the flesh. Link cried out in pain and the Master Sword flew from his hand right at the Shiekkah. Shiek bent back and to the side, the sword flying by only a breath from his head. Without missing a beat, Link pulled out the megaton hammer and struck the monster flat on the chest. It fell back stunned and Link turned to see where his sword had fallen. Shiek had retrieved the blade and threw it to Link. “His back!” The ninja reminded him. Link held out his hand and caught the Master Sword gracefully around the hilt. Yet, only a heartbeat later, Link felt cold iron jab beneath his ribs. Moments passed and the Hylian did not move, paralyzed with pain, his breath caught in his throat, and his eyes wide with shock. Link could feel hot blood drenching his tunic. “Ngh—“ Link gasped. He then turned to the monster, his eyes like flaming torrents, and with a battle cry that echoed off the mountains, he plunged the sword into the creature’s neck. The beast cried out, but did not die. And then, a golden light struck the creature’s back and it screamed with its dieing breath. Link’s blurring gaze followed the shooting luminescence; it came from the Shiekkah. The creature fell, jerking its blade from Link’s gut. Weakening, the Hylian stumbled back, pain webbing through him, and then his world rushed as he fell against the ground. He merely lay there, panting, his body becoming one numb agony. And then, violet eyes appeared above him; Link was looking up at Shiek’s masked face. Thought becoming harder to grasp, and quickly becoming delirious, the gasping Hylian felt his body lifted. Link looked up at the Shiekkah who was looking about, fear in his eyes. Link’s quivering hand lifted, and when Shiek felt it against his face he looked down at the hero. Surprisingly Shiek did not resist when Link pulled back the cloth about his head. Link was confused to see long, golden locks flow down the ninja’s shoulders, and when the Hylian pulled away the mask, a feminine jaw-line was exposed. Link blinked, his vision filled with a young woman’s beautiful face, and he saw that tears filled her glistening eyes. Her brow furrowed and salty sorrow spilled down her reddening cheeks. “Link,” he heard her whisper, yet her voice was far off, as if heard across a misted cove. He could almost feel her hand brushing against his face. But when she leaned down and pressed her lips to his, Link felt a warmth soar within his body! His heart rushed and he leaned up to return her embrace. His hand wove into her hair behind her neck and the feel of her lips filled his core. But soon exhaustion overtook his body and Link’s pained gasp interrupted the kiss. Link’s mind swirled as he fell back, his world becoming a flow of unintelligible images. “No!” Zelda cried as Link fell limp in her arms. She brushed her thumb over his parted lips. Even now, as the color drained from his face and the luster of his eyes faded away, he was still so very beautiful. Suddenly remembering herself, Zelda pressed Link to her, quickly looking about. She again hid her face beneath the Shiekkah mask. She knew what she had to do. Her voice rang with the notes she had heard Link play many times, and without fail an auburn mare galloped up the hill. The mare trotted up and sniffed the Shiekkah and Hylian, her snort of hot air making Link’s sandy bangs flutter. The horse then knelt right beside the two. “Goddess bless,” Zelda breathed, marveling at the creature’s intelligence. She pulled Link up as she saddled herself and draped him over the horse and her lap. The Hylian groaned as the auburn mare rocked forward then back so that she once again was standing. “HA!” Zelda jabbed her heels into the mare’s flank, and like waltzing thunder, she broke into a gallop. “HA! HA!!” Zelda urged, and the horse lengthened her strides into a full-out run. The princess pressed the dieing hero to her as the night air rushed at her. The plains, draped in green darkness, flew by as a broken and forlorn castle grew on the horizon. Black clouds extended their reach down from this lost home. The common-time beat of the mare’s run accompanied the princess’ racing heart as the sooty walls loomed overhead. Zelda urged the mare on as they neared the broken drawbridge. At the cliff’s edge she pressed her heels into the horse’s flank and the graceful creature placed her hooves to the lip of the drop and soared like a shooting star over the abandoned moat. They landed hard on the other side and Zelda felt Link’s hand grasp her shirt; she could also feel his sanguine life drenching it. Now horseshoes clattered against uneven cobblestones as they rushed to the sanctity of the last standing building of this devil’s graveyard about them. The mare leapt the stairs and galloped up to the Temple. Once inside the horse slid to a stop, stamped her foot, and shook her mane. The princess guided the mare to the hexagon-shaped portal and dismounted, pulling Link into the middle of the decorative altar. She laid him on the three-triangles-of-one, and knelt above him, outside the hexagon. His chest heaving, Link rolled his head to the side, his life slowly slipping like sand between fingers. Zelda clasped her hands, beseeching the Goddesses. “Please,” she begged. “Goddesses of Wisdom, Courage, and Power, I implore you to hear these words! Grant this mortal life! He is our one hope—the hope of my people. He is your Chosen. Please; he is my love.” And as her soul poured from these words a dim glow surrounded the hero. The harder the princess prayed the brighter the glow became. Soon bolts of blue light were shooting from the ground around him. Zelda watched in amazement as Link’s body lifted from the altar. He rose into the air as the blue bolts shot through him. The glow was almost blinding, and rang with the sound of the singing of angels. Suddenly a crack of thunder shook the Temple and the power of the Goddesses struck the hero like dancing electricity! It struck his wounds healing them with the shine of every night star! Link’s eyes opened, and his breath flowed back into him. Link breathed out his pain as the light placed him once again upon the cold ground. The blue glow faded and vanished as Link lay on his back, merely breathing. Unsure of what had taken place, Link sat up feeling his stomach. All that remained of the wound beneath his bloodied tunic was a six-pronged star. Link ran his fingers over his skin, trying to comprehend how he was not dead. He turned around, and again was met by violet eyes. Shiek sat behind him. Link simply looked at the ninja for a long moment. Zelda became lost in his kind, un-expectant eyes. Lowering her eyes, she pulled away her mast, again revealing her face and golden hair. She realized it was time to stop hiding. |
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| Divine_Walrus | Oct 18 2005, 05:13 PM Post #2 |
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Got a question about the forum? PM me! :)
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Great fan-fiction Ignia! I really enjoyed it, then again I'm a little biased, seeing as I'm such a LoZ fan
One crit, try not to use the character's name so many times in a few sentences, substitute 'he' if you're using a name too often. Here in particular:
4 times in 4 sentences, it would have flowed better if there was a he in there instead of 'Link' once or twice. Great stuff though Ignia, you're a talented writer
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| Shrike | Oct 19 2005, 05:11 AM Post #3 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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True. I usually say the character's name once and then use "he" until I switch to a different subject. I have a confession to make: I've never played Ocarina of Time or any LoZ game! But the writing is still good. One more thing: if you're gonna capitalize Master Sword you should capitalize megaton hammer too. Nice writing! That's got Ignia written all over it!
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| Foster | Oct 19 2005, 05:13 AM Post #4 |
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Token Canuck
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Really good action story. Excellent imagery and the emotions were well done. You did use Link's name a tad too often, but more importantly you need to try not to use so many pronouns as well. You used 'his' alot, and it tends to get a bit tedious to hear the same word six times in a sentence. You should try to make it less wordy, especially for an action-oriented story. An action story shouldn't have so many big words like 'luminescence' and 'sanguine' either. They tend to slow down the flow of the scene. Oh, and I thought your choice of characters was great. I can't wait to read more.
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| Ignia | Oct 19 2005, 07:07 AM Post #5 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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Haha! Who said it was an action story! Wordy's my style, Foster my friend! And I see the consensus of overused words. Keep in mind I was very emotional when I wrote this and there has been NO revision. I think if saying "Link" or "his" too much is the only complaint then I'm good to go! *pouts* I like "luminescence." What you want a thrid-grade "bright light?" Just be happy I didn't look up that latin derivitive for golden! My argument on the big words is that it is so much better than reverting to cliches like "golden light." That and they have much better imagry! Did you realize that the reason I used "sanguine" is because I was describing blood? Sanguine is actually latin for blood. Oh! And Mister-I've-never-played-ocarina-of-time Master Sword is capitalized because it's the Legendary Blade! I would think meggaton hammer could slide do to it's lesser role and importance. But like I said, NO rivision done, and I don't plan on it. It shows the raw emotion, and the rough frustration, anger, and sadness I was feeling at the time.Thanks for the responses all! No matter what you post, I'm just happy to see you read my little story!
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| Foster | Oct 19 2005, 07:22 AM Post #6 |
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Token Canuck
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Okay, I was just giving my thoughts. Suggestions, you know? I can't help but critique, and whenever a paper came back to me in my English class they always said "too wordy" in big red letters. I was just critiquing it like an English Prof would.
Big words are alright, I guess, but I just feel they don't fit very well in such a fast-paced story. Maybe you should have found a way to slow it down a little during the scene after he's stabbed and when they're in the temple. I'm not really sure how, maybe by making hard paragraph breaks(press enter twice) between those scenes. I felt like I was racing the whole way through. Still really good though, especially for a first draft. Oh, and yes, Master Sword is supposed to be capitalized, but megaton hammer doesn't need to be. Master Sword is a proper name, whereas megaton hammer is more of a description.
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| Shrike | Oct 19 2005, 10:59 AM Post #7 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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So it's just a megaton hammer rather than the megaton hammer? Gimme a break, I haven't even played the game. Heh. I like that name. Is it that instant kill hammer thingy in Super Smash Bros? |
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| Foster | Oct 20 2005, 03:16 AM Post #8 |
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Token Canuck
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No, the hammer in Smash Bros. is from the original Donkey Kong. The megaton hammer(called 'the' because it happens to be the only one in the game, not nesessarily the only one in existence in the world of the game, much like 'the' fairy bow, or 'the' hookshot, or 'the' boomerang.
) is what Link used to, among other things, kill the fire dragon Volvagia in Death Mountain.
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| Ignia | Oct 21 2005, 02:13 PM Post #9 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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Yes, but, if you remember it was a legendary dudongo-bashing wepon of the Gorons. Therefore I would say it would one of the few items that might be capitalized. Another I'd think would be the Great Fairy Sword? You know, from Majora's mask? But, yeah, I wouldn't capitalize the boomerang
:lol: Why are we even discussing this? How game-geeky can we get!? Anyway, I dunno how they do things there, my deer beer, but around here teachers encourage words longer than 5 letters (at least my latin teacher who encourages me to think for myself). And ironically, the use of longer sentences, words, phrases, and ideas IS my way of slowing down the story. So I'm afraid you'll have to continue your argument to sell me.
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| Foster | Oct 22 2005, 03:14 AM Post #10 |
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Token Canuck
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Okay, write how you want. I just wanted to give you some friendly advice.
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| Turnip05 | Oct 22 2005, 10:10 PM Post #11 |
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Majestic Turnip
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I loved it!
But I agree with Shrike
Still, I'm happy to see fanfiction I actually know about! |
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| Kithas | Oct 24 2005, 02:06 PM Post #12 |
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Pillow King
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I thought sanguine was perfect. So was luminescence. Fantastic story Ignia, you really shined on this one. Mostly because I'm a huge fan as well. And the most important thing you didn't do, and it's a good thing you didn't or I'd be bashing the hell out of this story instead of praising it, is you didn't have Link speak. That is so damn important I can't stress it enough. The lad never talks, and that's why I love him. He just does what needs to be done, and no words spoken. Fantastic story Ignia. Fantastic. If it had been me, I would have taken him to a fairy fountain though. Or broken a jar with a fairy in it. But that wouldn't have carried the raw emotion of your story. Anyway, once again, great story. |
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| Ignia | Oct 24 2005, 11:21 PM Post #13 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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Well thank you! ( Holy Sh*t! He musta really liked it--he's being... NICE!) anyway... Yeah, if there's anything I know as a writer and avid lover of animated guys, it's that everyone has their own perception of the character and their own ideas of how he or she should look/act/speak. The purpose of that story was to convey a strong emotional pain. By not redifining your view of Link, I reserved the ability to make the reader find his or her own pain within the story rather than forcing mine upon him.Wow, there must be a lot of Link-Zelda shippers around here! Personally I like the idea of them being brother and sister, but I needed a heroine for this story. Plus, it has been forever since I wrote on my 'never-ending fanfic!' I had created my own Gerudo heroine named Carodina. Ah those were the days! :rolleyes: [edit] You know what Epona in the Temple of Time reminds me of? A Knight's Tale: "You have desecrated the house of God!" |
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| Foster | Oct 25 2005, 02:45 AM Post #14 |
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Token Canuck
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Nah, in most of the games they couldn't be brother and sister, Link is usually an orphan. The king/queen probably wouldn't send away their son to be raised by faeries or by some peasant dude, never knowing his heritage. I like the thought of link being a little farm boy who grows up to save the world. Possibly cousins in OoT, though. |
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| Kithas | Oct 25 2005, 10:11 AM Post #15 |
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Pillow King
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I like the idea of the classic nintendo Link. Just some wandering adventurer who happens to be in the right place at the right time. Helps out old Impa and finds out what's going on, so he grabs up a sword and sets out to make things right. Never a question of what's in it for me or whether or not he should get involved. Just steps up to the challenge. That's the Link I like. By the way, I'm wearing a LoZ t-shirt right now. Hell yeah baby! And I am nice. We just seem to butt heads sometimes. I LOVE YOU INGNIA!!! But only in that "you're a total stranger that I'm never gonna meet so it's okay" kinda way. Ciao. |
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One crit, try not to use the character's name so many times in a few sentences, substitute 'he' if you're using a name too often. Here in particular:

I can't wait to read more.
Master Sword is capitalized because it's the Legendary Blade! I would think meggaton hammer could slide do to it's lesser role and importance. But like I said, NO rivision done, and I don't plan on it. It shows the raw emotion, and the rough frustration, anger, and sadness I was feeling at the time.
Holy Sh*t! He musta really liked it--he's being... NICE!)
5:13 AM Jul 12