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| Good Old Sci-Fi | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 7 2005, 12:36 PM (441 Views) | |
| Shrike | Dec 7 2005, 12:36 PM Post #1 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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Ok, not that there's anything wrong with fantasy, I love it dearly, but we've had a lot of it lately and I thought it was time for some cold hard sci-fi to season the mix. So I wrote this little gem.
I'm very proud of it, but I want you to be merciless! Tear it apart, criticize it, I want your impressions because I might start writing more about this world in the near future.Note: Latin is completely phonetic and every syllable is pronounced. Titus Lucianus would always remember in vivid detail the first thought that entered his mind when he joined the Equus Corps: It’s a fucking rabbit with a gun! Indeed, at first glance the Equus X9 Battlesuit hardly lived up to its ferocious reputation: long legs, bent backwards like an animal’s, with a small head crowned by sensor arrays that looked uncannily like ears – yes, it looked exactly like a fifteen foot tall rabbit carrying a rifle as long as Lucianus was tall. But as Lucianus studied the machine that was to be his partner for the next four years, there was a certain martial air about the thing, the way it carried itself, the sleek sheen of white carbon-polymer armor plating contrasting with the green and gold laurel wreath insignia of the Neo-Roman Galactic Republic emblazoned on the shoulder pads. This was a beast, and with it he would carry death to the enemies of the Republic. Lucianus remembered fondly the six months of intensive training under the demonic tutelage of one primipilus Quintus Llewellianus, the kind of drill sergeant loved and hated by all. He had learned to become one with the beast, to see through its eyes and feel the battlefield through it. He had mastered the weapons available to equites, from the standard Ultor assault rifle to the powerful Diabolus twin railgun. The one irony of his military career was – well, he had never seen any action whatsoever. The Republic had enjoyed thirty years of peace since the rim territories were subdued once and for all, and Lucianus had spent his entire life in a world devoid of conflict. And now, war again. These thoughts rolled around in Lucianus’ head as he lay in the belly of his Equus, his nerve matrix directly interfaced with the machine’s central brain. Although to Lucianus it felt exactly like raising his right hand, he knew that his real right hand lay immobilized in the pilot’s crèche, but that the nerve impulse was captured by a sensitive magnetic field and plugged directly into the artificial brain of the machine, which made the right hand of the Equus do the exact same thing. The hardest part of Equus training was learning coordination, and even Lucianus had tripped and blundered about for weeks before he got it right. The hull of the dropship rumbled and vibrated. Lucianus braced himself for the sudden blast of g-force when the Scylla-class dropship would fire its main thrusters and launch itself directly at the planet’s atmosphere at a thousand miles per hour. The Equus shielded its pilot from most of the effects, but puking inside the Equus was still a constant threat. This was a fast drop operation: Once the dropship landed and the doors opened, he was in a combat zone. No time for wiping puke out of his suit. The smooth calm voice of the fleet AI cut into his unit’s comm channel. “All units, launch window is now open. Launch will commence in five minutes fleet standard. Repeat: launch will begin in five minutes fleet standard time.” Primipilus Llewellianus took the opportunity to harangue his troops one last time. “All you jarheads who think you’re ready to enter the combat zone down below, listen up, ‘cause I ain’t saying this more than once! You think just because you’ve completed your training, and are now chosen to be the first Republican troops to set foot on enemy soil, that you’re somehow better than the rest of the legions? Hell no! You are fucking cannon fodder, that’s what you are! Fleet command doesn’t give a damn about whether you live or die, just that you bring some Vespae down to Tartarus with you! You think because we drove the Vespae out of Catharsis space and down to their little hidey-holes, that it’s going to be easy, digging them out? Hell no! Those Oligarch bastards tried the exact same thing, and they got whipped! So you listen to me good: I don’t give a damn any more than the Fleet does whether you live or die, just that you get in there, kick some serious ass, and bring honor to the name of the Equus Corps! Do you understand me, equites?” The comm channel buzzed with a resounding “Sir yes sir!” For the umpteenth time since he had been assigned to the Catharsis campaign, Lucianus began to feel doubts. If half the stories he had heard about the mysterious Vespae were true, he did not expect to return to Republican space alive. Any force that could challenge the mighty war machine that was the Terran Oligarchy and get away with it was worthy of his fear. Still, he told himself yet again, the Republic had quite a different philosophy of war, and also had the benefit of preparation. This campaign was a test more than anything else – what was the Vespae style of war, what were their strengths and weaknesses? What were the strengths and weaknesses of the Republican legions? All this to become a guinea pig, Lucianus reflected wryly before the AI interrupted his train of thought. “Launch commencing in thirty seconds…ten seconds…launch commencing.” Lucianus braced himself in his harness and grunted involuntarily as a huge weight slammed down on his body. The roar of the dropship’s fusion drive drowned out even the comm channel, and the holding bay shook and rattled. It was almost intolerable even with the Equus suit absorbing most of the force; Lucianus couldn’t imagine what it was like for ordinary Marines, who wore only their battle armor. The weight doubled suddenly as the dropship struck the thin atmosphere of Catharsis A-29 III, the first Catharsian planet chosen for ground assault. Seconds later the firing of the braking drives added another weight from the other direction, so that Lucianus was barely able to keep from blacking out. How the hell are we supposed fight, he thought desperately, after we’ve been put through the wringer like this? The dropship hit the ground with a huge jolt, and Lucianus was dimly aware of Llewellianus roaring, “Get those harnesses off, get em off now, we’re on!” as he struggled to clear his head. The holding bay doors rumbled open, flooding the space with weak grey light. Lucianus frantically tore off the harness, grabbed his assault rifle and was out into the Catharsian landscape without thinking. He followed the white blur of the Equus in front of him, and before he knew it he was a hundred yards from the ship when it exploded in a blinding flash of light. The shock wave knocked him to his knees, and he instinctively scrambled behind a chunk of twisted metal coming out of the ground. Someone on the comm channel was screaming “What the fuck! What the fuck just happened!” The landing zone was a hideous mosaic of blood-soaked ground, shards of armor and body parts backlit by the pillar of white flame rising from the remains of the ship’s fusion core. Wreckage from the dropship had ploughed huge furrows in the earth on either side of his hiding place. Only then did the realization of what had just happened hit him. “Oh shit. Oh shit!” he yelled to himself, taking huge breaths as his body flooded with adrenaline. Around him the survivors of his unit were firing randomly in all directions, popping out from behind dips in the land and pieces of wreckage. Lucianus crammed a clip into his rifle and with a thought clicked on the targeting systems of his Equus. The rabbit-ear sensors on the head swept motion trackers and infrared scans across his field of vision, searching for hostile targets. There. The ruins of the Vespae hive cities rose around him, twisted towers of black metal and hive-like structures, most either completely leveled or bombed out by the Fleet’s orbital-to-surface weapons. The infrared scanner revealed moving forms everywhere, hidden in and among the wreckage. The motion tracker locked onto a hunched form in a ground-level opening, and Lucianus switched to normal vision and magnified the image. The insect-like Vespa was crouched in a ragged hole in a hive building, clutching a long-barreled weapon of some sort. Lucianus shone his targeting laser on it and fired a small burst, and was rewarded when the alien fell backwards, black ichor pumping out of the bullet holes in its head and chest. He jumped violently as a second Equus scrambled around the corner and crouched next to him, metal hands shaking violently as it loaded a second clip into its rifle. On of its ears had been shot clean off, and its torso was riddled with dents. “Some shit, huh?” its pilot remarked as he rose, scanned the battlefield quickly and then dropped down again. “That’s a fucking understatement,” Lucianus replied shakily. “I take it you have some experience?” “Not much,” the other Equus said, loading a grenade into the grenade chamber of its rifle. “I was on the rim campaign thirty years ago, but since then there hasn’t been shit for us equites to do. It’s good to get out a little, you know?” It rose, scanned again, and fired the grenade into a large opening. The grenade left a faint smoke trail as it spiraled almost gracefully through the air, and sailed perfectly into the cavity. The concussion shook the ground, and metal pieces and Vespae bodies rode a wave of flame out into the open. “Stationary railguns,” the Equus pilot explained. “They’ve got em hidden all around the LZ, ready to hit our dropships as they come in. How they knew we were coming here, well, I guess that just makes them smarter than us, huh?” “How the hell do I find them?” Lucianus asked, popping up to scan the area. “Everything’s cold metal here, it’s all fucking blue.” “The railguns heat up as they fire,” the Equus pilot replied. “Not much, but – there. That one.” Lucianus followed the Equus’ finger and saw a faint outline of yellow on his infras. “I see it,” he said. “Now kill that bitch.” The Equus loaded a second grenade. Lucianus grabbed one off of his own ammo belt and jacked it into the chamber, sighted the targeting laser and squeezed the trigger. The recoil knocked him back slightly, and he followed the grenade as it shot through the air and blew the railgun to pieces. A loud roar announced the presence of three more dropships. Lucianus followed their flame trails as they dropped like stones out of the sky. Two landed, doors opening to disgorge additional Equi and Marines, but the third Scylla’s autopilot took it down directly on the column of flame from Lucianus’ doomed ship. The fusion flame melted a hole in the incoming dropship’s hull and detonated the fusion core, ripping the ship to pieces. “By Hades! You stupid sonofabitch!” the Equus pilot shouted, shaking his fist at the flaming wreckage raining down on the LZ. “Get down!” Lucianus ducked as the shock wave raced over his refuge, the heat readings on his HUD spiking to dangerous levels. He looked around, and saw that the ranks of Republican soldiers had been further decimated by the falling debris. Vespae railgun slugs tore into the ground, sending up clouds of dust that obscured the battlefield. The comm channel was a mess, voices incoherently screaming in confusion and fear. The phrase “Air support! Air support!” leapt out at him, and he was aware of another growing roar of fusion drives. His companion jabbed a finger at the sky, saying “Oh, watch this, it’ll blow your fucking jarhead mind.” Six flights of Fury general purpose fighters came roaring out of the east, unleashing a hail of air-to ground missiles before they were gone again, over the horizon. Lucianus involuntarily ducked as the delta-shaped shadows swept over his position, all other sound drowned out by the sonic boom. The missiles tore into the Vespae installations, leveling already damaged buildings and sending up sheets of flame. The Furies swept around for one more pass and strafed the burning wreckage with another volley of missiles and machine gun fire. The comm channel rang with cheers and whoops of triumph, although most of the Neo-Roman survivors had the sense to stay safely under cover. The wild confusion of battle slowly faded from the scene, and Lucianus saw the flame trails of hundreds of dropships descending. The Neo-Roman army had established its first toehold. ~ |
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| Ignia | Dec 7 2005, 01:49 PM Post #2 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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Wow, the day I get sick and actually can come onto BW, you put up a story. I'm lucky and you're figgin' screwed. You said to be brutal, and you got the mother of all brutality right here! Ait... first off, YEAH FOR LATIN! You got me in right away, but if you're going to do it, do it right! How, praytell does an equus look like a ribbit? shouldn't it maybe look like a horse? You gotta make some statement on that soon, or your latin readers will start thinking you just read a myth book and bought a latin dictionary and started writing. Lucianus huh? Where did that come from? Any signifigance? I've never heard that name in my 4 latin years. Give me something on that. Llewellianus. GIVE ME A BREAK!!! That is the most germanic psudo-latin I've ever seen! Don't double consinents! Make his name SOUND Roman, not German with a 'us' tacked onto the end! Equites-- me likes. Sounds Roman, military, and rolles off the tongue. Optime labore. Scylla-class. WTF? Why Scylla? Give me some heads here! Don't use myth names unless you JUSTIFY their usage. Puke: made me laugh and gave me a reality of the situation, so very good writing there. However, if puke is that big of a deal they would have built in a safeguard like with scuba gear where even if you puke underwater you don't drown (it just tastes REALLY bad) Tartarus--Very nice. Good Ll-german rant, but the cursing DOES NOT add anything! Infact it made your "By Hades!" sound downright cheesy! Clean it up. Use your latin know-how and create your own curses. If he truely thinks he's not coming back alive, he'd feel a little more than doubt. Shouldn't he be crapping his pants about then? The countdown lacked flow. I didn't feel thirty seconds pass since it took me two to read it. But I wouldn't expect the first draft to flow perfectly, infact the flow is exceptional for the skeletal beginning. Both the flow and filling-out will come the more you read and re-read your drafts. Hideous mosaic: Damn I LOVE your imagry! That's the Shrike I know and love! You have a wonderful style that will only become more wonderful the more you write. Keep it up! Equi--THANK YOU! You wonld have lost me forever if you didn't at least know your basics. Never lose sight of that. As a section I love it, but I wouldn't start with it. I need more introduction, or some VERY quickly. All action and no plot makes Shrike a dull boy. The whole thing screams "Shrike." You have a great style, but it's still choppy. The whole mech thing is a little overdone, but that's only more the challenge to bring something new to the table. Don't forget you have to keep your reader reading! If you haven't seen Engellian (sp?) that is a must for your giant-robot research. Woot. Latin. So that's your shredding review from the local latin-fanatic. Despite the harshness, don't for one second think I don't love your writing. This was the first thread I spent more than 5 seconds in. You will always be my Primus Poeta (damn that sounds funkey with the first declention masculine )Keep up the good work, Amicus. I await the next with ferver. -Ignia |
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| swartzer | Dec 7 2005, 03:21 PM Post #3 |
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Brackenwood Lightweight
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Good stuff! Fast-moving action. Well-constructed sentences. Lots of good detail. Puts a bit of a fresh spin on the power-armor genre, though you'll have to be careful to maintain that and not fall into cliche. Personally, I didn't mind the armor being named Equus when it looked like a rabbit; sounds like military logic to me. I figure they built the armor the way they did for engineering reasons, and then some general said "Wait a minute, we can't name anything military after a rabbit!" In fact, details like that which seem wrong at first can actually make a story seem more real to me (as long as they aren't overdone), since reality isn't always logical. The name "Llewellianus" gave me a similar reaction. I assumed it was intentional, and a way to say that the Republic's language isn't a complete clone of ancient Rome's. Perhaps some citizens of the Republic had Germanic (or Welsh, because that name actually made me think Welsh rather than German) ancestors who had their names imperfectly Latinized when they joined the Republic (or were conquered?) The use of "jarhead" and other non-latin terms also made me think the Republic's military must have some pretty diverse heritage. I sort of wondered why a drill instructor was leading a combat unit, but maybe that's another cultural difference between the Republic and past nations? Anyway, assuming these things were all intentional, stick with them and be consistent. If they weren't intentional, well, it's up to you what to do about it since it's your story. I'm a worldbuilding geek so I latch on to details like that and, as you've seen, immediately start brainstorming on how they came about. Others might not think that way. On the whole, though, I liked it and want to see more; just keep a fresh spin on those cliches so the story stays interesting! |
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| Shrike | Dec 7 2005, 03:31 PM Post #4 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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Omg. That was exactly what I was hoping for, I swear I laughed my ass off for like five solid minutes. OK, now first of all *and with a raised eyebrow* yes, Tobias' dishing out of royal whoopass was just dripping with plot twists, wasn't it? As far as the Equi, they are supposed to take the place of Roman cavalry. I had originally named them the PWNS-U XV-66, but that was just plain cheesy. Funny, but cheesy. As for why they look like rabbits (ribbits ah don't hurt me!), I've been sketching these mofos since the beginning of the school year, and don't ask me why, they came out looking like rabbits. Mean ones. I went with it, so what?Names: Lucianus just sounds cool, it doesn't have to be real significant. Llewellianus you of course recognize as Llewellyn, a fairly common name hereabouts at least. You must understand that before the Republic was formed all of human space was, well, just like it is today, a melting pot. It's not like it was a group of only Romans that formed the Republic, it was a mass cultural revolution and everyone had last names just like we do today. Some chose to rename themselves strictly Roman, others chose to merely Romanize themselves. And come on. Ya gotta admit Llewellianus sounds pretty cool. The point of the Republic is not to be a total throwback to the Roman Empire. It's supposed to be different in many ways, to have evolved just like any other culture would. And if what you're looking for is a total carbon copy of old Rome plastered on a futuristic setting, well, I'm sorry. The times are just too different to be able to transfer one completely to the other.The Roman Fleet (Omnes Classes Romae, if you must) has its ships named mostly after war gods. Jupiter-class dreadnoughts, Minerva- Apollo- and Mars-class, etc. The Terran Oligarchy has most of its ships named after mythical monsters, Leviathan battleships and Hydra boltcruisers and Titan battlecruisers and such. Actually I was going to give the Scylla dropship to the Oligarchs, but...hm. I'll have to think about that. Ship names aren't set in stone yet. And what do you mean the cursing adds nothing?? It adds grit. What with all the medieval-era fantasy I do, I can't let loose with some nice modern swearwords. I actually did think up a sergeant's pep talk that was way worse than this one, but I chose not to use it, it didn't quite fit the situation, but the point is you shouldn't fear bad language just for what it is. Personally, the grittier and bloodier the dialogue, the better. That's just my personal tastes. What do you expect? "Right ho lads, let's give these rapscallions a proper licking, wot wot!" Umm, no.Most of the inspiration for the Equi came from the movie Appleseed, it's definitely worth checking out. *sigh* Man, you can tell how badly I was looking for an excuse to explain all that, huh? It's so great to finally have a proper literary argument, you have no idea. Tomorrow I'll maybe write another scene, I think all my wroter's energy has been expended for today. Peace everybody! EDIT: Nice comments swartzer, you're right on the money about the names. Sweet. Ooh, I'm so excited now! Now I really gotta give a good follow-up. And basically, today I just thought "Fuck plot. I just want to write a bitchin fight scene." So I still plan to fill in the edges, just not today.
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| Phoenixphire44 | Dec 8 2005, 09:48 AM Post #5 |
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Gone
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Personally, I've been reading this between (and during) calls at work, so my attention was a touch distracted.. The points I remember, language... The names were interesting and I enjoyed them. Huzzah for latin. However, saying "fuck" "bitch" and "shit" in that short of a story makes your vocabulary look well, limited. (We know it isn't.) Mark Twain said, "A well placed "hell" or "damn" can make all the difference." At least he said something similer. Give it a think or two. Rabbit... Rabbits aren't exactly aerodynamic. I think you could have picked a better creature to use. Something more stream lined and built for speed. (Eagle, shark, ect.) |
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| Foster | Dec 8 2005, 11:10 AM Post #6 |
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Token Canuck
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Yeah, I agree. Fuck just isn't a very good word to use in literary terms. Grit is fine, but the F-bomb tends to be distracting to your reader. |
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| Ignia | Dec 11 2005, 10:12 AM Post #7 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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Ribbit--Ribbit! Sum RANA!!!
:lol: Just for you, amice! Anyway. don't get me wrong, I love a good fight scene, and none is better than a Spiky-fight. However, don't forget the plot. What am I saying? You know that right? And I see what you're saying about turning our culture Roman rather than the otherway around, and I like it. But Peonix said it, Foster said it, and I'll say it again: The language doesn't help. Remember when I called you a vitzin' boyscout forever ago? You came back with Vitzin' mother-vitzer? I laughed for an hour and I still repeat that story to people today. The point is, making up your own words has its advantages. Virgil did it, Catullus did it, Lucretius did it, Twain (though he doesn't deserve to be in the same sentence as the masters of latin) did it. Start screwing around with words and you'll find one that you just can't stop cursing with. Talking about making up words, I need help with a character's name. It definitely has to start with a 'm,' and really should end in a vowel, but I'm having a hard time. I came up with Marquin, but it doesn't look right. I liked the name Marque (pronounced Mark), but It just isn't his character type. Help? ...ribbit. |
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| Foster | Dec 11 2005, 10:15 AM Post #8 |
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Token Canuck
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Can you tell us more about the character? Like gender, profession, culture, genre of the story, etc? |
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| Ignia | Dec 11 2005, 10:46 AM Post #9 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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AH! Response of GOLD! I love you! k. This is the main character created by my subconcious (put into my dreams) for my next novel. Of corse the girl of the story is trying to take over as main character but enough of that. He is known right now as "Dark-hair." He's the mortal child of a goddess-like creature (the mother's divinity hasn't been detailed yet). So think Aeneas if you know Virgil. He's young, like 20ish. He's raised as a special warrior because of his parentage, but he resents the pressure and so is quite the introvert. He won't admit it but he's really lost. He's a sword fighter, and probably rather tall. He stubbornly won't ask anyone for help. His compainions are also Goddess-Born. They are twins about 17 or 18ish. These boys are clowns. They have platinum-blond hair, that might be long. One's could be long. Hey! That's how you could tell them apart! Anyway, they have some sort of melee wepon. I don't know yet. But these husky boys wear armor whereas Dark-hair doesn't. I imagined Dark-hair as wearing a silk tunic (I'm not sure why). The twins have a sister I might call Beth. She's a magic user (14-16ish) who thinks she can't control her powers, and finds strength in Dark-hair's psudo-confidence and ends up giving him the real self confidence he needs. I imagined they live in a place where these Goddess-Born are raised as special warriors because of their simi-divinial strength, or in Beth's case, magical powers. You know, Beth really doesn't fit. Argh! I'm back to square-one! |
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| Shrike | Dec 11 2005, 03:23 PM Post #10 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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Ok, I see your point about the language, I've tweaked it to subtract some of the modern curses and add more actual Latin to the dialogue. "Mehercule, I'm not in the mood for understatements, amice." and such. Which brings another dilemma to my mind which is this: one, that most people (if this is ever released to the public) will not know what mehercule or mirabile visu means, which is a problem. Two, I think that classical Latin and English soldier slang might clash with each other. I can't use either language exclusively, but having someone say "Mirabile visu, huh?" is...I dunno...it doesn't seem to really fit, but at the same time I kinda like it....thoughts? Medari, Mahadar, ummm, Medai (that one's stolen from the Faded Sun trilogy, but it still sounds awesome ). Hmm. I dunno, those don't really seem like you, you know what I mean? Ah well. I tried.
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| Ignia | Dec 13 2005, 10:22 AM Post #11 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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Oh! Oh! Di Magni! Horribilem et sacrum libellum! (Catullus Carmen xiv) Good God! What a horrible and nefarious little book! "Di Magni," or "sacrum" (so terrible it's left up to the gods), or I use "nefas" though not as a curse. Anyway, thanks for the name suggestions. I kinda like the name Mikell (I have NO idea how to spell it though. Miquel? Michell? Mi-Mi- Oh I don't know....), but I'm not sure it's right for Dark-hair. |
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| Shrike | Dec 19 2005, 01:21 PM Post #12 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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Here's part numerus secundus, no action but fills in the plot some more. Btw, I'm having a little trouble thinking of good names for star systems, if anyone could help me think of some that would help. I'd like them to be more mythology/god/goddess/demi-god(?) oriented if possible, but I'm open to anything that sounds good. One more note: I've done some research and found that the primipilus is only for infantry, so Llewellianus has been reassigned to centurio exercitator, a cavalry training instructor, which fit his role better anyway. And a turma is the most basic unit of Roman cavalry, led by a decurion.OK, here it is finally: By the end of the long Catharsian day the Neo-Roman Fleet had succeeded in landing seventy legions of assault troops. All landing zones had come under immediate attack from Vespae light ground and artillery, but the Fury squadrons had carried the day; after the attack on Lucianus’ LZ, all other landing zones were scoured beforehand with fire and brimstone. The Vespae responded in turn with furious anti-aircraft fire, and the battle was still raging hours later when dropships carrying supplies and materials for a Primus Locus arrived at Lucianus’ landing zone. Lucianus had been in his Equus for more than six hours. The Vespae had been harrying the Republican troops unceasingly, and with increasing numbers. Two wave attacks had almost overwhelmed Lucianus and the other three units, the second one coming to hand-to-hand combat. He ran his hand over the five-foot poly-steel blade he carried in a hip scabbard, now stained black with Vespa ichor. The Vespae had, he supposed, become too advanced as a civilization, that the notion of swords confounded them so. He didn’t think they’d make the same mistake again. Lucianus sat with his back against the charred remains of a Vespa structure. His companion, whose name he found out was Marcus Ahala, was on watch. Ahala leaned on the mangled edge of the wall, periodically sweeping infras and motion sensors across the empty landscape. Red and orange lights flashed on the horizon, and muffled booms echoed throughout the silent city. Bright floodlights from the Primus Locus lit the landing field, outlining the piles of Marine and Vespa corpses in stark white light. There were more dead Vespae than Neo-Romans, but Lucianus still had doubts. Almost ten legions killed in the first day did not seem like a good starting record. Llewellianus had been found dead, killed by a railgun slug that had punched clean through the torso of his Equus, as well as countless others in Lucianus’ unit. Some had been friends, some not, but most he had never gotten the opportunity to know. “What in Hades am I doing here?” he said to no one in particular. After the adrenaline craze of battle faded from his veins, depression rushed in like a wave. The thirty minutes until his watch was over and he could finally go into the Primus Locus for some food and sleep seemed like thirty days. “You’re here,” Ahala replied cheerfully, “because you love guns, money, and women, and you’re too stupid to love anything else. Jupiter knows I was,” he added wistfully. Lucianus groaned and leaned his Equus’ head against the cold metal wall. “But seriously,” Ahala continued, his tone more earnest, “you wanna know the real reason? There’s quite a few, actually.” “Politics?” Lucianus asked. “I thought I joined the Equus Corps so I wouldn’t have to think about all that.” Ahala chuckled. “If we lived and breathed anything else, we couldn’t call ourselves Romans with a clear conscience, now could we? Really, the reasons for us being here are pure politics. Who ever heard of the Vespae before that first Fleet briefing on the trip over here? Because before about six months ago, we didn’t know they existed. And really, how we found out they existed has nothing to do with the Republic at all.” “The Oligarchs?” Lucianus guessed, already knowing the answer. “Sic. Apparently the Vespae came out of nowhere and destroyed one of their outer, more obscure systems. Domaron, I think it was? Whatever. It took the Oligarchy two full-scale fleet attacks to drive the Vespae out of the system. Total disaster. And once the Senate got a hold of that little tidbit, you can imagine what a reaction it got.” Lucianus smiled deep down in the belly of his Equus, the gesture lost on the lipless machine. Ignorant of politics as he tried to be, the character of the current Senate was infamous. “Not impressed by the fact that they’re just there, were they?” “Exactly! Who cares about the discovery of a hostile alien race when Caldarium and the Gratiae are just a hop, skip and a jump away from this Domaron place?” This revelation gave Lucianus a little more perspective on what Ahala was talking about. He had never heard of Domaron, but Caldarium and the Gratiae were some of the most important exporters of raw materials in the Republic. The star Caldarium, so named because of its immense size and red color, scorched its five planets with heat and radiation that produced unique isotopes and alloys found nowhere else in Republican space; the foundries of Caldarium Tertium produced most of the Republic’s carbon-polymer and poly-steel. The Gratiae cluster consisted of the stars Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia, which, in comparison, were the bread basket of the Republic and a playground for the upper classes. “And if any of those systems are lost or threatened,” Lucianus finished, “the Republic could be crippled pretty badly. Not to mention the senators might lose all their pretty little villas.” “But that’s just the half of it,” Ahala replied. “Not just from an economical standpoint, but a vicious political one as well! What better political finger in the eye than to have a single Republican fleet succeed where two Oligarchic fleets failed? We took the fight to the enemy, they’ll say, and we whipped them good!” he said sarcastically, waving his hand in a regal gesture. “Ha! That remains to be seen, my fine senatorial friends.” “Well that’s just fucking great,” Lucianus sighed. “I thought it was something like that, but knowing the whole story doesn’t make it feel any better.” “Cheer up, amice,” Ahala said. “You’re an eques. Nobody cares about your opinion. Means you never have to give one. Trust me, if you’re in the Equus Corps for forty years, you come to enjoy it.” “If” being the key word, Lucianus was about to say, when a third voice cut into their comm channel. “Equites Marcus Ahala and Titus Lucianus, respond immediately on private comm 622, repeat: this message is being broadcast on all Equus unit channels, Marcus Ahala and Titus Lucianus please respond on private comm 622.” “A human voice,” Lucianus remarked after the message cut off. “Don’t they usually use AI’s for general comms?” “Not always, but you’re right, lately they’ve been using AI’s more often as the technology gets better. Myself, I’ve always preferred to take orders from another human than from a machine, so let’s not disappoint.” Ahala’s voice cut off as he switched to channel 622. ~ When Lucianus switched to the requested channel, he found that he and Ahala were not the only recipients of the summons. Almost every survivor of his ill-fated unit must have been contacted, he decided, as he swapped greetings and congratulations with his fellow equites. Of the thirty-two original equites of the 767th Turma Romana, there were exactly ten left. “Your decurion will join the channel presently,” the same stern voice said over the chatter. “Hey, we have a decurion?” quipped Fabius Ferrus, the signifer. “What, did he miss the Scylla down or something?” “Now that’s enough of that!” Stern Voice said sharply. “The decurion was delayed for personal reasons, and has just arrived planetside with the command dropship. He’ll be conveyed to the Primus Locus by Fury in an hour, but he wanted to speak to the men before that. In fact, I’ll let him introduce himself.” “Decurion Quintus Lupinus Rufus speaking,” a smooth, confident voice cut into the comm channel, silencing all conversation. “First of all, I’d like to congratulate all of you for surviving the first day of battle, and apologize for my absence today. I’m sure we all mourn Quintus Llewellianus, who had to go in my stead, and I assure you nothing more of that sort will happen now that I am in command. I look forward to meeting all of you once I arrive at your Primus Locus. “But now, to business. Since there are only ten of you left, which I assure you is much better than many other units have fared, we are in the process of reorganizing equites from other more depleted units to fill up our own. We are still the 767th, no new names required. Tomorrow the new arrivals will be flown in and we’ll have our first planetside briefing. So for now, goodnight, and I’ll see you shortly.” There were a few seconds of silence on the comm channel. Lucianus’ silent doubts about the decurion were echoed vehemently as the 767th veterans erupted in a storm of protests. “The bastard’s a bloody optimas!” Ahala’s voice rang above the others, “Did you hear him? Of course we bloody well mourn that old dog Quintus, by Hades, he’s been with this unit longer than I have! And he doesn’t even get an apology on his account?” Lucianus added his voice to the roar of approval. “Quiet!” Stern Voice barked. “Gentlemen, I’ll have no insubordination from any Equus unit at any time during this campaign, especially not on the first night. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear half of those remarks this time, but from now on you will shape up and accept your commanding officer! Discipline, gentlemen, discipline is all that’s holding us together now. Discipline is what makes us Roman soldiers. If I find that any eques has strayed from that holy doctrine, I will get his ass back to Cerberus for a court martial. Now, all of you, wherever you are, are released from duty. Go to your Prima Loca for some food and rest. Jupiter knows you’ll need it tomorrow.” |
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| swartzer | Dec 21 2005, 09:07 AM Post #13 |
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Brackenwood Lightweight
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Looks like we might get some interesting character conflct. Good stuff! As for star system names, you might take a look at some star maps and use real names; some of them sound mythological already. Also, you might steal names from Roman cities and provinces. |
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| Ignia | Dec 25 2005, 03:34 AM Post #14 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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swartzer's right, stars do sound mythological already... because they are!
:lol: I still think it would be cool for you to come up with your own star charts though. You should see what each demi-god or such represents and use that. e.g. Castor and Pollux are the patrons of sailors, so you could use them for something with a navey. Oh, and I love Quintus Lupinus Rufus' nomen praenomenque! He's the fifth red wolf! I also liked your minute use of latin like sic and prima loca. good stuff. And I like your protagonist's first name! Titus! Forshadowing maybe? You could have so much fun with names in this story! Since the Romans only had about 15 names they started naming kids things like Quintus or Rufus (my name would have been Tertia). If you have a gossipy character you could name him Nasus! Or a charming girl could be Leppida, or Sala or such. |
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| Shrike | Dec 27 2005, 11:31 AM Post #15 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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All of you who've been wondering just what an Equus looks like, here's one I just finished in Flash. Hope you like it.![]() I've always been curious how differently people who read my stuff imagine it, or how differently I imagine other people's stuff. Just how different is it? I think it'd be cool to do some Vulcan mind-meld type thing with someone and look at all the mental images they have of their stuff, and then you'd be like "Oh, so that's what it looks like." Freaky. |
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| Ignia | Dec 30 2005, 10:45 AM Post #16 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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definitely more bunny than horse. I'd imagined something on all fours. Don't you think that giant robot thing would be terribly unstable and easily toppled? But I LOVE the SPQR on the shoulder. Optime, amice. Optime. |
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| Shrike | Dec 30 2005, 01:05 PM Post #17 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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Here's a slightly better pic, shows more of the legs and how they look. A better NRGR crest, too. Sorry, I don't have another clip to post this time, either. I was just letting myself write and write and the plot froze in its tracks. Not really what I had in mind. I'm working on it, I'll have something next time, I promise.
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| Ignia | Dec 30 2005, 01:15 PM Post #18 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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haha! you should so make that your sig! btw, Spiky, check your PMs |
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| lil fairyfly | Jan 1 2006, 09:42 AM Post #19 |
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Brackenwood Lightweight
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your story was probably kool. but i didnt read it. too long, well first i did read like 2 sentences then i scrolled down then i was like "whao...". so can any1 b kind enough to like summeriza the whole thing in like 3 sentences it would b gr8 thxs. |
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| Shrike | Jan 1 2006, 10:10 AM Post #20 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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Ummm...no. Trust me, you'll appreciate it much better if you just read it.
It's not that long! Welcome, btw.
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| lil fairyfly | Jan 1 2006, 10:14 AM Post #21 |
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Brackenwood Lightweight
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*sigh* ok, thxs but wat dies btw mean? |
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| Ignia | Jan 3 2006, 03:17 AM Post #22 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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Three sentences, Fairyfly? No problem: You are acting like a pretentious princess who is only interested in seeing herself post. You send out the message of being uneducated and selfish. Asking a writer to summarize his work rather than reading the beauty craftsmanship for yourself is extreamly rude, and as a fan and friend of Shrike, I am highly insulted. |
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| Kithas | Jan 3 2006, 11:37 AM Post #23 |
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Pillow King
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I think you're being a little pretentious Ignia, but then you do that don't you. I will agree that she needs to read the whole thing, even though I will admit that I haven't. Yet. But then I only come on here to read everyone's inbetween posts. I like to hear what people have to say about the story. I will read it though, and the parts I have read are intriguing. I just don't particularly like sci-fi. |
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| Phoenixphire44 | Jan 3 2006, 12:52 PM Post #24 |
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Gone
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Word. Ignia, my pet, you've learned well. Squash the illiterate bug. |
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| Sigfried | Jan 3 2006, 12:56 PM Post #25 |
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Objection!!!
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thats it, im over, if i can read in summer, then i dont see why you cant, and i bet that you live in the northern regions <_< |
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I'm very proud of it, but I want you to be merciless! Tear it apart, criticize it, I want your impressions because I might start writing more about this world in the near future.




)
ah don't hurt me!), I've been sketching these mofos since the beginning of the school year, and don't ask me why, they came out looking like rabbits. Mean ones. I went with it, so what?
Umm, no.



5:11 AM Jul 12