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just a little fantasy.; not much to speak of
Topic Started: Dec 19 2005, 02:46 AM (85 Views)
Otis
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Brackenwood Member
This is the first of a long story. I've been hard at work on the following chapter for nye on a week now. I don't really know how I feel about this section, so your responses will decide whether I omit it or not. without further ado...

The end of victor.

The cart blasted through the brush, losing a front wheel and throwing its rider into the dark woods. scrambling up, the boy tried desperately to free his horse from the wreckage; pulling shards of wood and bits of twisted metal away. The dark, deafening shadow encroached upon him, sucking into its depths the suns midday light. sweat trickled down his brow, and icy fingers crawled their way up his spine. "This is the end," he though to himself, "I'm going to die". with numb hands he reached down and pulled a small dagger from this boot. "I will have to fight, have to drive this enemy away. I've done it before. I just have to be tactful". this notion was lost the moment he looked up. A pale hand, as silver as the moon reached out from the dark cloud. It caressed the thin blade in his hand, turing it to dust.
"oh no..."

Young victor dropped the hilt and fled. the world had somehow turned to night before his eyes, and he found it impossible to know where he was going. his feet would not slow down, and in the dark he could not react well. bam! his right shoulder slammed into a tree. the pain sent burning currents through his arm, but fear made him continue. he could feel the beast gaining on him, it's powerful gaze sucking the life out of his feet as he pushed forward.
"no. no. no!" he repeated to himself over, and over again. The silver hand reached out, and he could smell his hair burning. A thousand thoughts flashed through his teeming mind. A thousand plans to escape the menace; each more useless than the last. He could feel the burn of his scalp, could smell the roasting flesh. "this is it, I'm finished"

He could feel the ground slip away from under his feet, and he knew he must be dead. He let go of all fear, and embraced the cold rush. The pain was gone, and he knew the bright light would soon come for him. His falling body broke the waters surface, and the cold current wrenched his mind away from death. It wasn't the beast destroying him, or death lifting him up. No, the ground had simply disappeared. In his blindness, victor had run off of an invisible cliff, and was now floating down a quick river, to freedom. Sweet life flowed though his limbs again, and he willed himself to stay low, out of the sight of his pursuer. He was battered and broken, but alive. Down the river he floated for hours, until finally, when the days second sun was painting the sky with pink and gold, his worn body washed up on a sandy shore. With all of the remaining strength in his arms and legs, he pulled himself out of the surf. There on the beach, euphoric sleep took him, and he knew no more.

The following day, in a market town far from where victor lay sleeping, a merchants son stood chatting with a pretty girl. He had long since run out of things to say, so he stood thinking, and remembered, "I heard two gentlemen talking this morning, the night hunter has killed again."
"really?" the girl asked, now completely transfixed by his words.
"indeed, a young prince from one of the southern tribes. Victor of Monoheir."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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Annolyn
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Interesting concept, something that could be well developed. I like what you have so far, but one thing I noticed is that you state your character's feelings a little much, try showing some too.
Instead of, "...he could feel the beast gaining on him..." perhaps try "...the sticky, putrid breath of the beast caressed his neck eerily, raising his hairs to a bristle..."
Just a thought, something you could toy with here and there.
Overall I like it and am interested in more.
Another thought, if the character who passed in the beginning was a prince, should he not have been in a carriage, had more horses, attendants??? Or are you going to clarify that later??
Good luck! Best of writing to you ;)
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Otis
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hmm, Interesting ideas. I'll like them.

I'll be delving into his past and current situation later on, that was just a prelude. I'm tired now, but I'll be working on it more as time goes on. thanks for the advice.
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the shaaade
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You should definately post more,it looks really cool.
I hope it will not turn into one of those generic epic stories with lots of races and gods,there are hundreds of those.I think you have made something unique though,keep it up.
(Yes, i posted this to be sure you would post more :D )
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Otis
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the shaaade
Dec 20 2005, 03:29 AM
(Yes, i posted this to be sure you would post more :D )

haha, it worked :P

I'm going to be posting the first chapter soon, but I need to finish, and edit it. It deals with the second main character, Oliver Lithe, and the Yeti people of the Minos mountains. Victor will return in chapter two...maybe...

I know what to do with him, but I don't really know how I want to start it. <_<
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