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| fight against simois; Another bit of my novel; Enjoy! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 30 2005, 02:14 PM (133 Views) | |
| Ignia | Dec 30 2005, 02:14 PM Post #1 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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By this point the waterfall was quite louder and now in view. Two brooks fell down the cliffs that rose up on their either side. They crashed from boulder to boulder splitting into mystical streams of mist and silky flow. They joined in a crystal pool surrounded by mossy stones and twisting laurel trees, but with no outlet the waters could only seep between the rocks and turn the pass into a delicate marsh. They stopped for a moment to watch the icy mist rise from the waters. The gentle shades of white folded upon each other to shadow what lay beyond as the tiny snowflakes fell through to rest upon the rippling and foaming pool. But they only lay atop the waters for a moment before melding into the frigid bath. Ignia took but a single step near the ring of stones that separated the untainted pool from the still marsh. She stopped short at the sight of the floating mist swirling into a woman’s form. The shape stepped upon the water, which too rose up to give her palpability. She was a young woman of unattainable beauty whose long hair rippled about her shoulders the same way the pool undulated with the waterfall’s influence. She was completely white in appearance, hair, skin, lips all the same soft hue, but her eyes were the deep gray of an ocean in a storm. “Greetings, travelers,” the figure said with a voice as soft as the mist of which she was made. “I am Simois, protector of these waters. What brings you so near to unholy ground?” “My name is Ignia,” the wofess said with a respectful bow of her head. She however did not close the noticeable distance between them; nor did the guardian. “My companions and I merely seek shelter in the caves ahead,” Ignia explained. Pike and Draca noticed Ignia’s tail flick, a sign of apprehension. The two dezeans became on guard. “The ground ahead is nefarious,” the guardian said. “It is still early; I suggest you head east. You could still reach the Clan of Allecto by nightfall.” Ignia’s tail flicked again. “Our destination lies to the west,” she said respectfully. Simois cocked her head, looking at Ignia. “You are an apparition of fire,” she said. Ignia was taken aback. “What is this creature?” she wondered desperately. “And you two,” Simois continued, looking past Ignia to Draca and Pike, “have the powers of demons.” The guardian then sidestepped to be able to see Ave. “And you,” Simois’ face lit up. “Ah! You! Please, come closer!” Ave, looking rather hesitant moved closer to the water spirit. Ave walked past Ignia up to an arm’s length away from the young woman. “And you,” Simois said, sauntering up, draping her cold arms around his neck and whispering in his ear, “you are a apparition of ice!” Ave gasped feeling his powers shift violently within him. Simois put her freezing hand over Ave’s heart. “Ah!” Ave cried with a sharp breath as Simois wrenched his aura from his body into her palm. Ave pulled away and stumbled back, gasping in pain, but it was as if she held a rope connected to his heart and through it was pulling out his aura making him cry out agony. Ignia was horrorstruck at the sight of the icy light flowing out of Ave and into the water spirit. Suddenly fear seared into rage and flowed through her veins like hot mercury. Copper flames burst from Ignia’s body. “Leave him alone!” she raged, slamming all the force of her fire into the watery guardian. Fast as thought, Draca and Pike ran for Ave and helped him away from danger. Ave slumped to the ground, panting, and clutching his chest. “What was she doing to you?” Pike exclaimed. “I…I don’t know,” Ave gasped. “She… somehow, was stealing my energy. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever felt, like she was drawing out… I don’t know… my soul from my chest!” The three turned hearing a rush of water and Ignia scream. Draca quickly glanced back at Ave then went running to aid the wolfess. “Stay here!” Pike ordered as he leapt up. “But-“ Ave shouted. “Whatever you do,” Pike called back to him, “just stay away from her!” Ave growled in frustration, pacing back and forth not unlike a predator might, but nonetheless he obeyed the order. Ignia clutched the laurel tree as Simois’ raging waters tried to tear her from it. Ignia could hear the tree breaking as its roots were torn from the ground. Suddenly she felt a calloused hand grab her wrist, and Pike, who had climbed halfway up the cliff, pulled her from the rushing fiords. Indigo snakes whipped from Draca’s arms to slam into the water guardian only to pass right through her, spewing water as they burst from her back. Simois laughed rising up with a tower of water. “Your powers can do me no harm! The Erinyes themselves created me!” Pike pulled off his shirt and dove into her frigid pool, now dark with depth. He let the eddies pull him along and used their current as a slingshot for the direction in which he wished to go, and finding the path of least resistance was soon in the upward current of the tower upon which Simois stood. He shot up from the water and grabbed her around the neck and wrenched her arm against the joint. “Fool,” she said as if he weren’t hurting her at all. Suddenly the water he held lost it’s shape and the tower collapsed. With a cry, Pike was falling and slammed flat on his back into the black torrent. Draca and Ignia dove in, but a violent backlash of shockingly icy water spat them back onto solid ground. “Wait your turn,” Simois grinned, again taking a woman’s form. “I’ve never fought someone with gills before.” Pike was pummeled back and forth in an endless game of dodging rocks. He soon realized that Simois was controlling the current, trying to slam him against every boulder available. Pike grinned. The water in front of him formed the guardian’s body. “What are you so happy about?” she asked with a watery voice, then melded back into the current. But it was then that Pike saw his chance. The current was pushing him full force into one of the boulders that made the ring around the pool. He propelled himself faster and faster and just before he was about to hit stone he flipped under and pushed off of it with his feet. Just as planned the rock tumbled from the spot out into the marsh, but the water did not rush out with it. Instead a great wall of brackish grime flowed over the dezean slamming him into an adjacent rock with enough force to knock the air from his lungs, should there have been any. The current then began to circle around him and he was lifted from the water held tightly in a column. Though his body was trapped in the whirling pillar, Pike’s head was free. He shook his head whipping his sopping bangs out of his eyes to glare right at the ornery nymph. “Surprised you, didn’t I?” she cooed nestling up close to him, her arms around his head. “Nngh,” Pike groaned in disgust trying to pull his face out of her bust. “Aw, do you not find me attractive?” she pouted in mock. She pulled away and looked him up and down, hands on hips. “Well, you’re not all that yourself, Fish Stick. No matter,” she said with a shrug of disinterest. “Thanks for the dance. It’s been fun.” With that the column of water flung him through the air. “Bitch!” Pike shouted back at her just before he whacked into the cliff and fell, unconscious into the waters. Ignia made to jump in after him, but Draca stopped her. “He’s fine,” Draca said. “We have more important issues.” Without warning the river splashed up at them and Draca cried out feeling the freezing undertow dragging her in. Ignia dove in after her quick enough to grab the dezean’s wrist. Ignia started at the feel of the current grabbing her around the waist. The two were ripped apart and both trapped in their own swirling torrent, but unlike Pike, they were fully submerged. “Pesky and persistent,” Simois said, looking from one to the other. “Both traits of which I am not at all fond. “What the-?” Simois turned to the eddy in which Ignia was trapped. The apparition was shooting copper flames from her body with enough energy that the water around her was actually beginning to boil. “Stop that!” Simois shouted, desperation filling her voice. Ignia fed all her energy out into the water, and saw Simois, in counteraction pull all her water around the wolfess, luckily releasing Draca in the process. Stubbornly Ignia forced all the flames into the water despite the heat pressing upon her, not able to escape. Ignia continued the inferno watching Simois grow more incensed by the moment. “That’s enough!” Simois finally raged, throwing Ignia into the craggy wall. When she hit she felt something heavy fall loose from her pocket. She scrambled for air, coughing and sputtering, but Simois had frozen. “It can’t be,” the water spirit breathed. “An Erinyes in my fiords?” “No!” Ignia gasped putting her hand to her pocket. She and Draca both dove for the geode but a great wave pushed them back and Simois took the Erinyes Jewel in hand. She turned the Jewel about in her hand while keeping Ignia and Draca pinned against rocks. Draca looked up just in time to see a black streak dive for the water guardian. The sleek cormorant cut right through the nymph snatching the Erinyes from her hand in the same instant. “Noo!” Simois cried. Draca immediately felt herself released from the current. She grabbed the rock behind her, coughing the water from her lungs with a great smile for the seafowl. “Give it back!” Simois roared reaching up towards the bird. Fear made Draca’s heart sink as she watched Ave falter in the air, crystal blue light flowing from him. The cormorant screeched, flapping desperately to stay aloft. “Ave!” Draca shouted running for him. Ignia surrounded Simois with incinerating flames, who in shock released the seafowl. Ave nonetheless plummeted from the sky, and Draca ran to save him. With a desperate pounding of her heart, she made a cradle of her arms and body, and caught him, falling to her knees and then to a sitting position beside them to absorb the shock. Panting, she held him lightly and took the jewel from his beak. Smiling in relief she stroked the plush, silky feathers upon his breast. The cormorant gave a soft caw and was suddenly growing quite rapidly. When he was beginning to be too big to hold Draca situated him so his torso was in her lap, his shoulder upon hers, and his gargantuan wings to the side. “Nnn,” Ave groaned as he awoke. Now fully aware he looked up and was met by large brown eyes. Ave blinked. “…Hullo.” Meanwhile Ignia and Simois struggled in a will of strength, yet no matter how much crushing water Simois poured upon the wolfess, she always broke free with a burst of coppery fire. “No!” the guardian moaned. “Just die!” But Ignia would not let up. Like how the sun fills the air with moisture after deep rains have flooded the earth, in the same way Ignia was slowly reducing the clear streams into vapor. The nymph screamed, her voice full of tears. She melted into the waters and fled up one of the waterfalls, disappearing into the mountains. The crystal pool returned to its shallow depth as the misting waterfalls again fell at their gentle pace. Ignia fell to her knees splashing snowy water all about her. She sat there for a moment, shivering, and breathing in the scent of mist and ferns. Finally she stood, her clothes feeling heavy upon her body, and looked about for a shark-like dezean. She found him lying completely submerged, the rippling water shattering the image of his face. Kneeling down, she lifted him to a sitting position and with a heavy whack, slapped him flat on the back. Pike gasped, drawing a gulping breath, his lungs suddenly working rather than his gills. He coughed and put a hand to his head. “What happened?” Ignia laughed, “Pike vs. Wall round two.” “Oh yeah,” Pike grimaced. Over past the pool, Draca realized Ave was avoiding meeting her gaze as he stood and walked to Ignia and Pike. It seemed he was wearing a mask once again, and his head was ducked. She merely watched him for a moment before she realized what it meant and a great smile spread across her face, and excited electricity rushed through her, making her feel vibrantly alive. She ran her fingers through her drenched hair, standing straight, and feeling immensely triumphant. |
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| Phoenixphire44 | Dec 31 2005, 07:53 AM Post #2 |
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Gone
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Beautiful!!! Ignia I'm loving the setting you created and how you describe everything. If I have to be a nitpicker, the only thing I can throw out is that you start a lot of sentences with "the". And that's pretty easy to correct. The characters are lovely. I prefer more wordy desciptions but I like how you're keeping it simple but very complete. Wonderful job! |
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| Kithas | Dec 31 2005, 08:23 AM Post #3 |
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Pillow King
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Nice work Ignia. I've always been partial to waterfalls, and I have to say I loved the setting. You're a talented writer. I could pick apart some small stuff, but it's nothing you won't get told about when you submit this to a publisher and make millions of dollars anyway, so why bother. |
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| Ignia | Dec 31 2005, 08:28 AM Post #4 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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Whoa.. who are you and what did you do with Kithas!? jk! Thanks K-boy. But even little stuff is helpful. Don't hold back anyone! I need cratiques! Specially you Spiky! |
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| Shrike | Jan 1 2006, 07:37 PM Post #5 |
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The Spikeadelic One
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Ok, ok, I'm coming. (You know, I didn't want to admit it when she said she was the life of the stories section, but she really is XD) Very nice description of the waterfall and the pool. You managed to be very detailed without seeming like you're overloading with details, and that can interrupt the flow of the writing, make it seem slow and plodding. This is one of my main problems, and why I usually leave descriptions of places up to the imagination of my reader. But you pulled it off nicely. Fiords are spelled fjords, I think that's what you mean, and are those little valley-river things all over the coast of Scandinavia. Generally refers to something a bit bigger than a mountain waterfall pool, and I think it's pretty specific to those kind of river canyon thingies, so that wouldn't have been my first choice of words if I had written it.
Mock is an adjective, it needs a noun to go with it, like, mock outrage? Dismay? Something along those lines. And I thought Ave and Ignia were an item in that other snippit you posted, the scene from the Erinyes temple? He almost died and she was like "I'm not leaving you again," or something like that. And now Draca's moving in on that sexy beast?? That critiquey enough for ya? |
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| Ignia | Jan 3 2006, 02:55 AM Post #6 |
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Lady of Roman Fire
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Damnit! You're right! Though fiord is a secondary spelling of fjord (I love linguistics!), you're right about the definition. Webster's says, "a long narrow arm of the sea bordered by steep cliffs." I was using it as a synonym for waters. I hate echoes! English sucks! I knew I gave you that section too early! By that point, they are supposed to be extreamly connected with each other. Ignia is very fraternal with all three of them, and it is at that point that Ave starts to get feelings for Draca. Two chapters later he's avoiding her gaze which is a good sign that he likes her but doesn't want anyone to know. It's all a very subliminal thing, and hard to catch if you're not reading it straight through. In the section before they get attacked by demon vines that induce stress dreams of the WORST variety! A lot is explained in that part. I'll send it to you in a PM if you want. Thanks for your help Spiky! ...But what am I going to replace fiords with now...
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