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| banshee; a creepy story,takes place during night | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 28 2006, 04:14 PM (301 Views) | |
| NimNim | Jun 28 2006, 04:14 PM Post #1 |
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the rake has been slain
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A little boy ran as fast as he could,he was not being chased by anything,it was a game he made up.Then he heard a screech,he ignored it.''SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH",the noise was coming closer.The boy kept playing his game.Then behind him a figure emerged,it wore a cloak and had a disgusting corpse-like appearance,it let out a loud''SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH''. The boy turned around,he could no longer hear.He cried as the skin was ripped off his bones,blood dripping every where,The last thing he saw was a corpse's bloddy eyeless face face. please tell me if you liked it. |
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| spike | Jun 28 2006, 06:21 PM Post #2 |
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The shadow in the darkness...
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ummmmm well it's kinda short and "boy running, boy see's thing, thing kills boy" so yeh but it was written well u described it well but the banshee needs to have a stronger image all we know is that it looks like a corpse so a little more detail. try typing like this it adds feeling and really puts the reader in the story "it was a cold night, fresh rain blanketed the grass as the dull thudding of footsteps penatrated the silence..." well u get the idea and for the banshee chop the "ch" of screech it makes it sound better u try it SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE or SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH wateva u feel is best. but all in all keep writing and you'll eventually get the feel for it and everything will just flow. damn i've never typed so much in a reply before
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| Ekaru | Jun 30 2006, 06:55 AM Post #3 |
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Its not that I don't like you. I just condencend a little.
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huh well it's a start. We could hear on how the boy stsarted the game and if it annoyed people and because of that they didn't think he was being mutilated. it was pretty good. |
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4:52 AM Jul 12