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Crisis Point; a story I did for school
Topic Started: Aug 15 2007, 04:29 AM (445 Views)
Woo
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Queen of all! bow before my might!
Right, sorry but theres a lot of wrighting in this one. :rolleyes:
I did it for school a few days ago, and already its old news to me. I thought I'd see what you guys think, give me tips for improvement and let me know your oppinions! ^_^

Crisis Point.

It was a quiet, peaceful night. The wind was warm in a pleasant way and the sickly sweet scent of summer flowers was wafted through the streets on the gentle breeze. He was sat on and old garden wall, the crumbling bricks filled with moss, and he pulled his collar up, perhaps against the wind, perhaps against the lights of an approaching car.

The smell of mould rose up from his heavy, ankle length coat and the air around him was laced with the stench of tobacco smoke. One hand was raised to hold his hat on low over his face, the other was in his pocket, the thumb rubbing the small, flat piece of card. His whole body was tense and the glint of his eyes could just be seen behind the shadow of his clothing. He glanced nervously down the street as a stray cat leapt from a dustbin and ran down a dimly lit ally.

He let out a chesty cough and swiftly moved his hands to his mouth, gagging as he bent over. The tough life he had so far lived was catching up on him fast. He straitened up again and caught his breath, drawing deeply on the humid, oily city air. He looked down at his watch, it was late. Very late. But he had been sat there long enough, and he could wait a bit longer. He liked this city. It complimented him well, especially so as it was now. At night, the dark, hidden places and complex twisting streets reflecting his dark and complex mind.

Suddenly the front door of a house on the opposite side of the street from him clicked open. The warm, honey coloured light pored from the hallway and out into the night air. Three women and a young boy stood in the doorway talking and laughing happily over the background noise of a T.V set. One of the women, a teenage girl with dark brown hair, began to walk down the steps into the garden when another girl, of the same age, grabbed hold of her arm and hugged her. “Be careful, ok? Are you sure you don’t want to stay for the night?” the other girl looked at her with amusement. “I’ll be fine! You know I will, besides, if I don’t feed the rabbits then no-one will!” Her friend still looked concerned, but loosened her grip on her arms. “Ok then. But do be careful, you know it worries me when you go walking home on your own like this. I’ll see you tomorrow.” The brown haired girl laughed, waved and started walking down the garden path. “See Ya’!”

She set off down the street, waving her last farewell of the night to her friends. The door closed with a dull thunk, and the scene was darkened once more. After the girl had gotten half way down the road the man stood up. He did his best to steady himself as his stiff legs protested at this sudden change and attempted to make him sit back down again. He was sure that no-one had noticed him, and he wanted to keep it that way, it would no bode well if the police caught wind of him. He had been down to the station to many times, and loitering in a residential area was the least of his worries.

For her part, she had had a good night. It had been a beautiful day, the weather had stayed nice and she had been out shopping with her friends. She bought lots of new clothes, had had lunch in a little restaurant that had just opened and then caught a bus back to Samantha’s house to watch movies and play with her youngest brother Paul “while he was still little and innocent” as Samantha had said. “Because,” she recalled her friend saying, “Because they always grow up too fast these days, and soon he wont be a sweet little kid anymore. He’ll be just like his big brothers. Arrogant, rude and with only one thing on his mind. All guys are like that.”

Joanna wasn’t sure what all guys were like, but she knew Samantha’s big brothers and didn’t want little Paul to end up like them. He had been taking a nap when they got in so they spent the first few hours watching movies and eating sweets, it had started with the usual horror films they always watched, then they watched some comedy, and after a bit the sugar began to run out and by the time a sleepy eyed Paul wondered in wearing his pyjamas they were watching Disney films. It had been a good night.

But now Joanna was on her way home, the warm wind was turning cold and her footsteps made strange echoes in the thin, narrow alleyway. But it was ok, she would be home soon and she could just go to bed, get some sleep and everything would be fine. The day was almost over. By contrast the man’s night was just beginning. He had a large bottle of Jack Daniels clasped in his right hand, and the left hand was running along the wall beside him to help maintain his balance. He was staying as quiet as he could, trying not to draw the girl’s attention to his presence in the ally, and doing his best not to frighten her.

After ten minuets, Joanna was about two thirds of the way home. She was walking up a thin road, surrounded by trees and quite close to the local church. She wasn’t a religious person, but for some reason she felt safe by the church when walking home. It was around this time she became aware of something. She had noticed it earlier but thought nothing of it, she had been in an alleyway and just thought it was an echo or something of the sort, but no. it was there, and quite real. Footsteps. Heavy, faltering footsteps behind her. Her heart began to race and the hair at the back of her neck stood on end. She glanced swiftly behind her, and saw a man dressed in an ankle length coat, heavy boots and a wide rimmed hat, and clutching a bottle in one hand.

Her eyes widened, her face paled, and her heart and stomach leapt from her shoes to her mouth and over again like a yoyo. She faced forward again and increased pace. He was quite far behind her, and he might even be harmless, she thought, but I don’t want to have to find out what would happen if he caught up with me. He saw her glance at him, damn, he thought. She’s seen me. Stupid girl, is she going to run now? He noticed the marked increase in pace and knew he had to do something about it. This was not going to plan at all. He put his booze back into his pocket, and rummaged around until he found the thin, flat object he was looking for.

“Oi! Ay, Love! WAIT UP!” he shouted after her, as she ran towards the church. “OI!!! MISS! Wait!” he ran, despite his failing health he ran after her, pulling the object from his pocket. He got closer, reached his hand out and clamped down onto her shoulder. Her heart almost stopped as he grabbed her, how could this guy run so fast? What was going to happed? She stared at him with wide eyes as he caught his breath, still holding her in place. “I jus… I… I just wa…..” he panted, still breathless from the run, “I just… I think…… this… is yours?” he gasped at her, handing her a flat, laminated piece of card. “You dropped it on the bus today, I tried to get it back to you, but I just would have felt weird knocking on a stranger’s door. Sorry if I scared you.” He said with a lop-sided grin.

She laughed nervously, shivering from the shock and fright. “Ah well, I’d best be off love.” The strange man said, letting go of her arm and beginning his walk down the street again, “but you’d best be careful! It ‘aint non to safe for a pretty young lass like you to be wonderin’ the streets at this early hour!” she glanced around her and saw that she was by the church at last. She leant her back against the wrought iron bars of the fence and sighed in relief.


It was just a false alarm. Just some strange drunk trying to be helpful, she was stupid for being of mistrustful. But she wouldn’t walk home at night for a long time, she told herself that much. She decided, to be on the safe side, to wait for the man to get a bit further away before going again. She watched him stumble on, past the church and towards the bend in the road where he turned and disappeared from sight. With another quick look up and down the street she decided it safe to set off again. But before she had a chance to stand up two gloved hands shot out from between the bars of the church behind her.

She tried to scream, call to the man for help, but one heavy hand slammed itself down over her mouth. The other pulled a thick rope around her arms and waist and she was clamped in place. A thick piece of cloth emerged to cover her mouth and muffle her cries for help as she tried to wriggle free from the biting rope. “No-one ever tell you not to walk home on your own at night?” hissed a soft, threatening voice behind her. “That drunken old fool was quite right, perhaps for the first time in his life. You are quite a pretty one, aren’t you?” at this, Joanna started to cry. Burning tears flooding down her face. She could hardly breathe and she was shivering so much it was a wonder the iron bars she was tied to held. But, sadly, hold they did. And a think metal blade was drawn from behind her and rubbed against her cheek. The sharp blade left a crimson streak against her snow white skin and the blood welled at the corner of the cut, until it ran down her cheek in a flood.

With a swift deftness, the blade ran through her throat. The lights of life began to fade from her eyes, and the last sounds she heard in this world were his footsteps echo and melt into utter darkness as he walked around the fence to face her. The last sight, a butterfly. Drifting on the cooling wind, flying towards a sweet summer flower, a tender white rose, and gently landing on its clean, pure petals.

The next day Joanna’s mother was horrified to find that her daughter was not, as she had suspected, at her friends house and had in fact began to walk home. That was the last recorded sighting of Joanna for weeks. The police found what looked like blood stains near the church, but they were faded and barely visible, and there where no other clues. The last person to claim to have seen her was a rather scruffy looking man who vaguely recalled giving a teenage girl her bus pass back and telling her to be careful walking home at night. He was thoroughly investigated and was at one point a suspect, but it was soon clear that his story checked out. No-one is sure what happened to Joanna, but her mother keeps the rabbits well cared for now.


So, there we have it. wadda ya think?
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Turnip05
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Majestic Turnip
Interesting story, you’ve got some good writing skills :) . I liked it when the man was only trying to help her, it was quite sweet :lol: . Not sure about why the girl was killed, it seemed a little extreme. It might have been better if she had just been kidnapped, tied up then stuffed in a dark van maybe? But it’s your story, so do what you want.

I had a go at helping you with some minor errors that confused me as well, hope it helps.

Quote:
 
He was sat on an old garden wall, the crumbling bricks filled with moss, and he pulled his collar up, perhaps against the wind, perhaps against the lights of an approaching car.


There’s something about those lines that don’t quite fit, especially the ‘and’. You may want to describe it in another way or just leave it out.

Quote:
 
But he had been sat there long enough, and he could wait a bit longer.


Might be better if you said -

‘But he had sat there a long time and could wait a bit longer .’

The ‘long enough’ makes it seem as though he doesn’t want to wait any longer, it sort of contradicts itself.

Quote:
 
At night, the dark, hidden places and complex twisting streets reflected his dark and complex mind.


Quote:
 
One of the women, a teenage girl with dark brown hair


It might be less confusing if you don’t say they’re women if you’re going to call them teenage girls just a moment after. If you mean they’re quite old teenagers, 18 or 19, then just say they’re in their late teens, but if not I wouldn’t consider them women. Just a minor point that had me confused for a moment.

Quote:
 
he ran, despite his failing health he ran after her


I don’t think it’s necessary to have the first ‘he ran’.

That’s all I found, apart from a few spelling mistakes, hope it’s helped :) .
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Woo
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Queen of all! bow before my might!
well, at least I got a reply! thanks for the input, I'll see what happens. :D
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Turnip05
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Majestic Turnip
Good luck ;)
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Idiot
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Brackenwood Lightweight
WOW. Wowweeeeee... that was AMAZING. I love it!! I reckon that's the best piece you've put up so far - I love your description skills, you really give things character. And the way you build up the tension with one thing, then release us, then grab us back with something completely unexpected is a really sophisticated technique - you've got a really polished bit of writing there. You could maybe get it checked over a bit for grammar, but a lot of that just comes over as part of the writing style - the repetition of "he ran" almost works as an emphasis of the phrase, rather than a mistake.

PS: Here's something creepy for you: Joanna's MY name (people call me Jo though). I'm scared now :gasp:
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Woo
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Queen of all! bow before my might!
Oh, wow! thank you so much! wow, realy.... man. Im blushing so bad. Thank you! yea, I know my spelling sucks but, the story cant be THAT good! well, thanks! you made my day :D
and the name thing is kinda creepy :blink:
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