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| lucky Monkeys; Part of the Odd Tales Collection | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 13 2007, 12:42 AM (289 Views) | |
| Captain Kowle | Oct 13 2007, 12:42 AM Post #1 |
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Brackenwood Member
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I had to write an imaginative piece for English. I could not think of what to write, having ideas about detectives etc when I realised. I could write anything. So I took a character i created radomly one day and let my imagination run wild. One day I will collect all my work together and they shall become the odd Tales Collection. This is the story I will probably hand in to my teacher. this is the beginning, it is not very good or imaginative. It will get better though. I hope. :rolleyes: Lucky Monkeys The sun was low in the sky, casting blood-streaked rays of light across the sea of bamboo trees. The mountains to the West, overcome by the green tide, acted as a barrier against the world. This place was old, yet untouched, a holy place not yet defiled by the great evil. That great evil had a name; it had been translated into many languages and had spread across the known world. Its name was Man. Yet against this threat there was peace. Birds glided across the sky, a thousand species of animals witnessed them and the forest stirred, breathed like some kind of living juggernaut. At the peak of the oceans tide, two figures could be barely seen, trekking down into the basin of the forest. The figures marched with purpose, holding onto each other for comfort. A giant Panda treaded carefully, considering its charge, snapping twigs with massive paws. The Panda’s charge yawned atop the beast. The little girl stretched across the panda’s large back tired for more reason than simple youth. The girl prolonged her stretch, closing her eyes tightly. She snapped out of her practice and looked around anxiously. Seeing nothing of interest she sighed, she looked down at her companion. Her words betrayed her wild image, loud and incoherent. “Fat Panda!! Are we there yet?” The panda turned his head to acknowledge her waking. His words were deep like the earth yet he showed little evidence of speech. “We are almost there child. The Faun resides in the heart of the forest; he already knows we are close. He will see us. But first we must rest.” “But I just slept and I don’t like sleep… I have nightmares. And I don’t like the dark, why can’t the sun just stay out! Fat Panda, why does the sun go away?” “The sun never leaves child. It is all about balance. When the sun sets the moon dawns, when this land grows dark another is blessed by light. Now sleep and when you wake you will be at our destination.” The girl lied down and closed her eyes once more. The Panda continued onwards, disappearing into the dark as the sun disappeared behind the mountains. “Are we there yet!!?” The crude bellow sent birds flying into the air as the pack made its way down the hillside. The Humans, about a dozen strong, made their way through the forest on their slavering mounts; the giant hounds left a slimy trail, which corrupted the soil with is impurity. “Shut your mouth you fat ape!!” The figure at the packs head grumbled to himself, how many times did those numbskulls have to ask that fucking question. He reached for a lighter in his pocket, made of pure silver and laced with gold vines. A cigar stuck out of the monkey’s wide mouth, he lit it and took in deep, soothing puffs. How many fucking more times, he thought to himself. Smoke wafted from underneath his hat, his eyes gleamed a dark crimson in its shadow. The dark furred monkey grinned with yellow teeth, playing with his cigar. He looked round, disgusted, at the forest's beauty. Once the monkey had lived in a forest like this one. he had been caught by hunters himself, crated off to some shithole zoo. There he discovered a natural ability for causing pain, he wouldn't be suprised if his keepers still had their scars. He had escaped captivity and made a new life for himself, enjoying all the activities of the humans. He couldn't understand what went wrong. He had kept his coat clean, well maybe not spotless, but who does? Now, however, he had a debt to pay, he had several actually. He was doing a "favour" for some big shot. He had hoped that this "favour" would include Fiji and a lot of women. Instead, he was being forced to lead this band of apes to the Root. “Hey boss! When we’z gonna get into a fight!?” The party concurred with grunts and nods. “When you’ll all dead, then we’ll be in a fight!” The Monkey shufled in his cowboy-like outfit, recovering his cherished revolver, affectionately named Sheila. He stroked its cold metal and whispered soothingly. “Soon baby… soon.” Lucky Monkey held the gun close to himself, leading the group to wage war on the source of all peace. Post any comments and tips. I'll try to make the next one better.
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| supersonic97 | Oct 13 2007, 02:28 AM Post #2 |
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Brackenwood Newbie
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I liked it, but when you got to the hunting character, I was a little annoyed with your description of him. It was contrived, so I suggest you revise that portion just a little bit. Everything leading up to that was really good. |
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| Captain Kowle | Oct 13 2007, 03:39 AM Post #3 |
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Brackenwood Member
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How's that. Any better? :rolleyes: I completely agree with you, I wasn't very sure of how to express the character. I tried to get more of his appearance in and make his background a little tidier this time. He is basically nature corrupted, the product of nature and technology trying to become one. It just doesn't work, Man will corrupt nature unless they can live side by side. I'll revise it again if there's any problems... there isn't is there?
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| supersonic97 | Oct 13 2007, 07:35 AM Post #4 |
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Brackenwood Newbie
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That is a HUGE improvement, I didn't see any real problems this time around, and the Lucky Monkey is suddenly interesting. Keep up the great work. Oh, just one thing: "Now, however he had a debt to pay, he had several actually." I'm not an english major, and I might be wrong, but there is something weird about this sentence. I don't know, it might be missing a comma.
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| Captain Kowle | Oct 13 2007, 07:45 AM Post #5 |
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Brackenwood Member
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I think you were right. I didn't notice that, thanks.
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| Idiot | Oct 17 2007, 08:16 AM Post #6 |
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Brackenwood Lightweight
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Nice, I like it a lot. That's often the best way to write, I find - just scrawl down whatever comes into your head and don't worry too much about how it comes out. It's weird, the way this stuff works - you can plan something for ages and spend forever agonising over every word and it still won't be as good as something you just jotted down when you had the inspiration. Loving the description, by the way, the way you personified the forest is beautiful
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