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| the lost Comrades - Lost Souls; The origons of my name. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 13 2007, 02:45 AM (386 Views) | |
| Captain Kowle | Oct 13 2007, 02:45 AM Post #1 |
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Brackenwood Member
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The origins of my name. A story that I have been planning for many years, hoping to one day turn it into a film (a new starswars or something). It is set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe. For those of you who haven't heard of it here's a quick description. It is the 41st millenium, mankind has spread among the strars, forming an empire called the imperium. But there is no peace amongst the stars. mankind fights a never ending war against the mutant, heretic, alien and worse. Guided by the immortal Emperor mankind fights for survival. Against the horrors there are the space marines, super human warriors ("give me a hundred marines, or failing that a thousand other men."), also the Imperial guard, much like the modern day army, but better equipped and with a shorter life expectency. They fight for the emperor with faith and pious fanatacism. For anyone who shows signs of heresy must answer to the inquisition. :angry: You won't need any of that really for this installement. I hope you enjoy it and please comment and give any tips for the future. The Lost Comrades Lost Souls Pius Kowle. Do you know him? No. Then let me enlighten you. Pius Kowle. A man lost to the consequences of his own actions. He was a nobleman, on the planet Belial III, son of a wealthy merchant. The planet, famed for its trading was a divided world. High in the clouds reigned the wealthy merchants with their banquet halls and hanging gardens. While on the ground, there lived their Mutant slaves, forced to scavenge and fight for survival. The Kowle family, as noble as they were, or once were, had built their wealth on the backs of the mutant slaves. Business was always a little risky; Mutants are notorious for their regular rebellions. Pius Kowle was not a cruel man, though he did treat his slaves like objects, he was just naïve, he did not know any better. He was not greedy, just spoiled by a family that revelled in having more wealth than was ever needed or even desired. In the end, it was not his fault. He could not have saved them. The mutants rebelled, after a period of rapid population growth. The Mutants had always outnumbered the wealthy, but their numbers were now several tenfold the number of wealthy. The social system was turned upside down. Mutants besieged the towering palaces, burning and killing everything in their path. Some merchants escaped, most were not so lucky. Kowle was woken by the screams of his family, the wail of his mother and the roar of his father. He did not understand, aged 24 and he still had the mind of a child. His father had taken him and told him to get dressed for travel. When he had done so, a sword was thrust into his arms, the family heirloom, Valdor’s Bane. His father had told him to get on a man’s ship and live with him. Kowle did not understand but did not argue, he at least had respect for his father. However Kowle did not get away unscarred. Just as he was leaving the mutants burst into the room. Kowle watched in horror as his mother was dragged to the ground by dirty hands, his father ran to her rescue, armed with an antique las-pistol. A mutant lunched at him with a crude knife, stabbing into his father’s gut. Kowle could not move. He wanted to through his sword to his father; he wanted to scream, to fight, to die with his family, with honour. He made no move, until a pilot grabbed him from behind and tossed him into a small spacecraft. Kowle escaped the Belial III Rebellion with his life, but he had lost everything else. I still think about it, that day. Years have gone by and Kowle has changed, no more the noble he once was, but always the gentleman I say. Does it matter that his black hair has grown long and untidy, does it matter that his combed moustache has become unclean and that his once pure clothes are torn and filthy? No is the answer I think you’ll find. His looks have certainly changed for the worse, but his life has changed for the better… or is it his mind. Anyway, he has grown up, found a pair and set off on the road to glory. I just wish glory wasn’t so hard tae find. I mean what would I guy like me expect to find in a place like this. A bar and the underground, a perfect match. This place is dead, not many “entrepreneurs” here today. “Another” I say, sliding my glass half-heartedly. The barman looks at me with suspicion. Just fill the glass. I know my limits. I… I get my drink a swig it down in one. Look at you cleaning that glass; with a stance that would fool others into thinking you had some importance, but not me. Like me, there is no hope for you. Not here, in this grave-like bar, in this rotting city, on this corrupted planet, in this doomed system, in the middle of this galaxy spanning empire, which flame has begun to burn out. “Another” I say, drinking the foul substance before marching with flaw, up the steps. Leaving my signature, ten credits short payment. Then light. Blinding light. A few moments later and I am able to see Sardis in all its rotting glory. I am one more soul, lost in a tide of lost souls. I am a dead man, cursed to walk amogst the living. To see all that I have lost and find nothing that I desire. I am lost indeed, but I have strength yet. I have soul, though nothing else. For I am the lost soul of Pius Kowle. Next part coming soon. Or not... depends if anyone likes it really... |
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| Idiot | Oct 17 2007, 08:30 AM Post #2 |
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Brackenwood Lightweight
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Fwoooo..... wow. The last part's fantastic. That big paragraph could do with breaking up a bit, though, it gets a bit hard to read - maybe more like
It just works better if you start a new paragraph when you switch topics or jump around in time. You might want to watch your tenses a bit, too, it's sometimes not clear whether he's talking about himself in the third person or whether it's somebody else talking about him - that switching effect near the end could work really well, you just have to make it a bit clearer. It's good, though, there's definitely a great storyline going on in there. Keep it up! |
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6:43 PM Jul 11