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| Witness; A short story I wrote | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 28 2007, 09:10 AM (324 Views) | |
| Thepassenger | Oct 28 2007, 09:10 AM Post #1 |
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Brackenwood Newbie
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I walked into the mall’s public toilet. I was listening to my ipod on my new headphones and was in my own little world. When I was washing my hands my song finished and the noises of the mall came back. But I also noticed another sound, coming from one of the cubicles. I turned the tap off and took off my headphones to listen more carefully. “Where’s the money, Mac?!” And to accompany the angry accusation there was a sickening thud. I could see under the door of the cubicle that there were two guys in there and the sound meant that one of them was definitely worse for wear. “I could kill you right now you little fucker!” Bother were now screaming, one in anger and the other in agony. The screams ended abrubtly and I heard the first man stand up while the second slumped on the ground. I was frozen like wildlife in the headlights. The door started to slowly swing open. I panicked and ducked inside the next cubicle. I heard the first man come out and blood streamed into my cubicle from underneath the separating barrier. That man was bleeding heavily. I lifted my legs up so that the man outside couldn’t see me and pondered my luck that day. He knocked on my cubicle door. I hesitated for two or three seconds before I realised that if I didn’t answer he would kick open the door anyway. “I’m in here...” the statement was intended to come out deep and gruff, instead I sounded like I was inviting him in. The door was pushed open and the man stared me down. The first things I noticed were his build and shaved head. He wore a large, blood splattered leather jacket and black sunnies. This guy was as scary as they come. I was actually shaking and must have been an amusing sight in any other circumstances, sitting up on a toilet seat, hugging my knees and shaking like mad. “Whatcha doin there mate?” the nasally high pitched tone of voice hit me like a brick. But why was his voice different before? I was too scared to think. “Sorry about putting you through listening to that guy threatening me. I don’t owe him a thing. I showed him though, huh?” I noticed the bruise on the man’s face and it sunk in. “Nice meeting you mate.” We shook hands and I walked away from one of the scariest situations of my life. I'd appreciate any criticisms or advice. Thanks for reading.
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| Turnip05 | Oct 28 2007, 09:39 PM Post #2 |
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Majestic Turnip
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Loved the little twist at the end
The only thing I have to say is your sentence structures are very basic and similar at the start, try varying them a little. Maybe instead of -
You could have - 'I was in my own world as I wandered into the mall's public toilet, the music from my new headphones and Ipod blocking all other sound.' Just something to think about if you want to improve it Apart from that, brilliant! EDIT: Did this actually happen to you or somene you know? If so, I'd have been terrified
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| Thepassenger | Oct 29 2007, 05:33 PM Post #3 |
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Brackenwood Newbie
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Yeah your right. Its so hard looking back at my own writing and judging it. Thanks. Nah I got the idea from something that happened to my dad. He walked in on a drug deal in a public toilet but the two guys just stared him down for a few seconds before leaving. |
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6:42 PM Jul 11