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| WWE Velocity (January 22nd, 2005) Review:; London & Funaki vs. Nunzio & Moore | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 22 2005, 10:06 PM (808 Views) | |
| Scrooge McSuck | Jan 22 2005, 10:06 PM Post #1 |
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I'll get you next time, toilet!
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- Week #3 for me, and this week I will be GIMMICKING UP! Starting on the next sentence, I will speak ONLY in Yoda language. Like Velocity, I do. Reviewing it every week, I enjoy. OK, that's getting annoying already. In my introduction of a new idea, here are the results of Velocity from the last two years... 1 Year Ago This Week... January 24th, 2004: The Worlds Greatest Tag Team def. Rikishi & Scotty Too Hotty, The Basham Brothers def. Ultimo Dragon & Funaki, Orlando Jordan def. Matt Wolftime 2 Years Ago This Week... January 25th, 2003: Chavo Guerrero def. Funaki, Jamie Noble def. Jeff Starr, Chuck Palumbo def. River Rat (Spanky), Billy Kidman def. Matt Hardy As usual (sadly), the broadcast team for Velocity consists of "I'm #1" Josh Matthews and Steve "How Did I Get This Gig?" Alberto ... or is it Sombrero? Oh, who the hell cares. Tomorrow (or by the time this is posted, today), it's time for the NFC Conference Championships. I don't care who wins, since my teams (New York Jets & Giants) didn't make the playoffs or got screwed over already. Anyway, we got all that red tape out of the way, so let's go to ringside for the first match of the night... (gets a bottle of Vodka) God I hate WWE ... whoops! Wait... I said this LAST WEEK. Three weeks in and I'm already getting lazy by C&P stuff I've mentioned in other reviews. Match #1: Paul London & Funaki vs. Nunzio & Shannon Moore: This has a chance to be pretty good, unless Moore and London stink up the ring again like on December 18th, 2004. Moore looks super lame, as I've dubbed him the Can Stay Lost Road Warrior. London is also nicknamed The Dragon for his incredible resemblance to Ricky Steamboat. Funaki is the Cruiserweight Champion, for those who no longer watch Smackdown. London and Nunzio start the match for their respective teams. Nunzio with a shove, so London slaps. Single-leg takedown by Nunzio into a front facelock. London reverses into a hammerlock and a standing side headlock. Nunzio reverses to an overhead hammerlock, which is quickly reversed into a go behind into the corner. London with a NASTY series of chops, and whips Nunzio to the corner, which is reversed. London with a boot to the face followed by the double stomp. Deep arm drag followed by a series of kicks to the leg. Wristlock applied, and Funaki thankfully tags in to slow it up with a double sledge from the second turnbuckle. Nunzio with a back elbow to Funaki, and tags in Moore, who runs into an arm drag. Moore with a boot to the midsection, but runs into another arm drag, and Funaki turns it into an armbar. Wristlock by Funaki, and London tags in with a leg frog splash across the arm. Irish whip to the corner, and London blocks the hurricanrana. To the second rope, but Nunzio yanks him down backwards, and London lands on the floor. Nunzio stomps away at the fallen London and rams his back into the security wall. Back into the ring, and Moore covers for two. Moore goes to the first boring resthold with a reverse chinlock. London with a series of elbows to the midsection, but Moore returns the favor and connects with a swinging beck breaker for a 2.999 count. Moore stomps at the spine of London, and tags Nunzio in. Double Irish whip leads to a flap jack for a two count. Nunzio talks smack while making London his bitch with brutal forearms across the neck, and applies a reverse chinlock. London fights back, and catches Nunzio with a small package for two. Nunzio with a forearm across the face, and Moore tags in so London could comeback. Moore cheap shots Funaki, and connects with a back breaker. Nunzio misses a guillotine leg drop, and London makes the hot tag to Funaki. Funaki connects with a diving forearm and clothesline to Moore. Irish whip, and Funaki with a back body drop and a running bulldog for a two count. London catches Nunzio with the drop-sault, and Moore takes out London with a running side kick. Nunzio catches Moore with the Tornado DDT off the second rope for an abrupt finish at 6:53. **1/2 Good match overall, with the first half being too fast paced to the point I was 3 or 4 moves behind in commentary, but the second half seemed to have died down with an out of nowhere finish. I won't complain though, because it means we get to see Paul London on a televised match every week (usually). [Commercial Break] - Last Week on Smackdown ... we get highlights of The Bashams vs. Booker T & Eddie Guerrero. Guerrero seems to forget how to cheat as he gets caught AGAIN and disqualified. Dear God, please get the Tag Titles off of the Basham Brothers. I don't care how good they were in OVW (to some), in WWE they have sucked anal grease nonstop for over 18 months now. This is probably leading to an Eddie vs. Booker feud at Wrestlemania XXI, which is a huge problem with me, because Eddie is above a midcard, meaningless match. Maybe Booker T too, but he's past it and doesn't know if he wants to retire or not. [Commercial Break] - More from Last Week on Smackdown ... and it's a Heidenreich/Undertaker build up segment for the Royal Rumble Casket Match. Heidenreich hates Caskets (as well as everyone else Undertaker fought in them), Undertaker can exploit his fears, blah blah blah, yata yata yata, the match will suck and will be booked even worse than the match quality. Undertaker looks scary ... and old ... mainly old. Also cuts a pretty boring promo. Undertaker pulls a 1996 and has a "fake Heidenreich" in the casket with him, except it's OBVIOUSLY Heindenreich since the emotion in his lips changes several times. [Commercial Break. WWE Slam Of The Week: Mysterio's 619 and Springboard Splash on Chavo Guerrero] Match #2: Hardcore Holly vs. Robby McAlister: This could be good if Holly tries stiffing him. Holly starts out with a standing side headlock, followed by a shoulder block. Arm drags by McAlister, and Holly has a look of shock on his face. I would be too ... he didn't kill the guy yet. Lockup, and McAlister with a standing side headlock. Criss cross, and Holly with a hip toss followed by a shoulder block. Stomps in the corner, and he doesn't pull a Tough Enough 3... yet. Stiff chops in the corner, and damn do they sound nasty. Holly with a blow to the back of the neck followed by a snapmare into a reverse chinlock. Vertical suplex into a float over gets a two count for Holly. Holly with a nasty looking punch to the nose of McAlister, so Robby M. pokes him in the eyes and chokes Holly across the top rope. Irish whip to the corner, and Holly catches him coming in with a boot to the face followed by a clothesline. Irish whip, and Holly connects with a dropkick to the face. Holly with the kick in between the legs of McAlister, and follows up with a top rope clothesline. Alabama Slam ends Robby Mcalisters night at 4:05. Somebody call Robby's Momma. DUD Boring Squash, and Holly didn't look to be very much into it. I could've sworn I've seen McAlister before in another Squash. Maybe a few weeks ago, or possibly in NWA-TNA? [Commercial Break. Wrestlemania Recall: Steve Austin beating Shawn Michaels for the WWF Title at Wrestlemania XIV.] - Last Week on Smackdown ... Kurt Angle is forced to give an apology to Big Show's Ho bag, who looks like a ho. Angle reads his apology off some index cards, so we are expected to boo him for that... I don't care about Angle, personally. Anyway, Big Show and JBL bonded for one night only to take out Angle after he got the apology done with, but in a twist of fate that shocked maybe 2 people in Thailand, JBL's Cabinet and Angle's Asses come together to form the Assinet. I guess the forming of a super stable worked for the Corporate Ministry too. Sarcasm people, Sarcasm. Anyway, Show actually fights all 7 men off for a while, but that doesn't last too long. Also, Show's blade job is mighty bad looking, and actually looks kinda fake. [Commercial Break. WWE Rewind: Cena pins Rene Dupree for a spot in the Royal Rumble Match, so Suzuki flattens him like a bug] Match #3: Charlie Haas vs. Kenzo Suzuki (w/ Hiroko): For those who don't know, it's Charlie H-A-A-S, not H-A-S-S. Jesus, is it THAT hard to fucking spell the guys name? It's written on TV every motherfucking week. Oh, this match also has a chance (good chance at that) to suck, so excuse me for not really caring too much. Have I mentioned that Suzuki is awesome in everything but wrestling? I just did now, so make a note of it. I SAID NOTE IT! Haas teases a lockup and takes a shot at the kidney of Suzuki. Repeat the same spot and he does Brock's Happy-Dance. Haas with a scoop slam, followed by some trash talking. Lockup, and Suzuki with a knee to the chest, followed by some chops. Haas hammers on Suzuki in the corner, and connects with another forearm to the back. Suzuki drags Haas out of the ring and chops his head into the 58th row. Brawling goes on and Haas returns the favor. Back inside and Haas with a drop toe hold into the Haas of Pain!! However, Suzuki makes the rope with the help of Hiroko. Suzuki does ... something, and rams Haas' shoulder into the steel post, then applies a sort of chinlock. More nothing happens and Suzuki does some funky poses. Vulcan Nerve Pinch (yeah, it's a tired joke of mine) by Suzuki makes this match even more boring. Haas comes back with a diving cross body press for a two count. Suzuki keeps Haas down, however, and reapplies the fucking hold. Haas with an arm drag followed by a clothesline. Irish whip, and Haas with a back elbow followed by a scoop slam. Jaw breaker by Haas followed by a series of clothesline and a dropkick. Haas is snapping ... and eats Suzuki's STO, giving Kenzo the victory at 6:08. -* Sorry, but this match was quite shitty, and incredibly boring. That combination is a bad thing for those who didn't realize it. I expected better from Haas here. Shameful... Final Thoughts: Wow ... the first match was quite entertaining, and after that, the entire show just kept getting worse and worse. The angle recaps from Smackdown weren't too bad, but considering I rarely jump for joy about ANYTHING on Smackdown shows how much I care. Dear God, how boring... Holly's squash was what it was, but there's no excuse for such a horrible match that contained Charlie Haas. Thumbs Down for this week, and now I'm going to watch my DVD of The Critic: the Complete Series. Good for me. |
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| SamoaRowe | Feb 2 2005, 09:03 AM Post #2 |
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dWb Superstar
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I can't believe that I forgot Nunzio was still on the roster! Perhaps firing Stamboli and Palumbo was really stupid... Another great review, keep 'em coming :) |
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| Scrooge McSuck | Feb 2 2005, 11:41 AM Post #3 |
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I'll get you next time, toilet!
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I accidentally taped over this weeks Velocity with Raw (:(), so no review until next saturday thanks to no Velocity taping this week. Commi-Bastards! |
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| SamoaRowe | Feb 3 2005, 08:11 AM Post #4 |
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dWb Superstar
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That's alright, not your fault :) It's not as if I'm going to chain you to your computer until you write a review for an imaginary episode of Velocity :lol: |
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| Scrooge McSuck | Feb 3 2005, 01:34 PM Post #5 |
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I'll get you next time, toilet!
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Try me... I could probably do it using Bastion Booger, Max Moon, and the guy from downmypants, Outback Jack. |
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5:37 PM Jul 10