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| WWE Velocity (February 12th, 2005) Review:; London v. Akio; a.k.a 2005 WWE MOTY | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Feb 12 2005, 10:26 PM (873 Views) | |
| Scrooge McSuck | Feb 12 2005, 10:26 PM Post #1 |
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I'll get you next time, toilet!
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WWE Velocity (February 12th, 2005) Taped from outside of Tokyo, Japan (according to WWE) First, I'm adding in participant records since I started doing these (a.k.a since 2005 started), to try and pretend the results actually mean something and to determine who are the top records of Velocity. Yeah it's lame, but I got nothing better to do with this show than pray for London vs. Akio every week. I'm new to this, so be patient, as I'm giving a long-winded introduction. Not much of a surprise that I am a big movie watcher, although I've rarely gone to the actual theaters. I have seen countless movies in my life, and have more than plenty on VHS and DVD. However, for every few good-great movies I've watched recently, nothing really explains my absolute HATRED for not only the two movies I'm going to make fun of, but insult myself for even watching. Those movies... The Cat in The Hat and Jaws The Revenge, two movies ranked in the Worst 100 Movies of All Time on IMDb. Now, why am I ranting about this? These movies are great examples of why some people denounce watching movies for enjoyment. The fact they go past the point of horrible makes you want to kill anyone who's ever seen these movies, and hope to God you never see something this bad again. Also, I recently submitted a review to IMDb about JTR, and it just pissed me off that they went from the great movie from 1975 (obviously the first), to this steaming pile of monkey shit. And for the Cat in the Hat, I hope Mike Myers dies a slow, horrible, gruesome death by watching this pro-argument for suicide. Oh, by the way, Velocity is hosted by Josh Matthews and Steve Cabrera. All this week, WWE has been on Japan, so a quick updates with my opinions... RAW: Good but sloppy opening match with Benoit/Jericho. Edge/HHH worked a smart main event that a Japanese crowd could get into despite the lame booking at the end. Regal/Tajiri winning the tag titles was cool, as it must be the first time the hometown baby face DIDN'T get screwed over. However, no appearances by Kane and Christian (in-ring for him) made me mad, as it upsets me that the fucking worthless divas are more important. Smackdown: Angle/Mysterio was pretty kick ass despite my hate for Angle (mainly because he's the most overrated shit in wrestling). Funkai/Chavo Jr. was pretty good considering the Cruiserweights are booked like shit, and JBL cutting a promo on AN INFLATED GODZILLA was the funniest shit ever. Everything else sucked. - Hardcore Holly (3-0) vs. Rene Dupree (2-1) (w/ Fifi): Holly definitely will win here, since Dupree can barely beat anyone these days. Oh shit... I just remembered why I was looking forward to seeing this match! For those who want to know, Dupree caused Holly a bit of trouble concerning an out-of-state speeding ticket, so Holly taught Dupree a lesson by beating the holy hell out of the guy in a Hardcore match, giving him a nice shiner as a reminder not to fuck him over like that again. Dupree tosses Holly off the ropes before the bell and punches weakly on the ground in the corner. Irish whip to the corner, and Holly avoids a charge and school boys Dupree for a two count. Chops by Holly and DAMN those sound nasty. Clothesline is ducked, and Holly with a full nelson slam, sending Dupree outside the ring. Dupree with another cheap shot, and he chokes away on Holly. Irish whip to the corner, and Holly sells it like death, and I just notice Dupree looks like he just ate a shit burger (judging by his goatee). Snapmare from out of the corner, and Dupree applies a reverse chinlock. Holly fights to his feet, and arm drags out of the move, only to run into a Dupree powerslam for a two count. Dupree continues choking and covers for two, then goes back to the rear chinlock with added pressure with his knee into the spine of Holly. Hardcore with a series of elbows to the midsection, and the two exchange blows. Irish whip, and a head collision knocks both men down. Both men get up ... and we go to an EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Holly with an Irish whip, and he connects with a dropkick for a close two count. Kick to the... "midsection" in the ropes, and Holly comes off the top, only to miss a clothesline. FRENCH TICKLER~! and the crowd still pops. Slam is reversed, and Holly catches Dupree with the Alabama Slam at 5:16. *1/2 I've seen worse from these two, although I wanted to see Holly stiff Dupree like the bitch he is. Definitely not something to look forward to watching, but not worth avoiding to miss either. [Commercial Break - I still can't believe I got passed up for doing TV Reviews for InsidePulse for some other shitty people ... whoops, did I say that?] - Flashback to Smackdown! Highlights from the Quarterfinals of the #1 Contenders Tournament. John Cena defeated Orlando Jordan to advance to the Semifinals against Booker T this coming week, and Kurt Angle defeated Rey Mysterio, and thanks to an Undertaker/Dupree NC, Angle receives a bye into the Finals at No Way Out. I hate tournaments, and this is why ... Cena sucks, doesn't deserve a main event spot, but still is going to challenge for the World Title at Wrestlemania and the tournament result is as obvious as the Titanic sinks in the end of the movie. I'm glad I'm not wasting $50 and the piece of crap this year. [Commercial Break - WWE Rewind: The Undertaker running in ... or stalking in during the Bashams v. Jindrak/Reigns match from Smackdown] - Charlie Haas (1-1) vs. Spike Dudley (0-2): Haas barely has the advantage here, as the only win came off of Rene Dupree. Haas has some REALLY awful tights on, bright orange (1990-91 Shane Douglas) and weird black boots. What is this, Halloween?! At least this means Akio vs. London goes on last this week. Now Spike Dudley ... thank God he's back to being a Jobber. Him being pushed was just so fucking wrong on so many fucking levels. One guess who wins this match... Spike tries a go-behind takedown, but Haas no-sells, reverses, and takes Spike down three times, forcing him out of the ring. Spike back in the ring and tries a slam ... you can guess the spot I hope. Haas applies a Full Nelson and makes Spike his bitch ... and the crowd applauds, Wooo! Spike gets the ropes with his legs, so Haas drops him on his head. Spike with a BITCH SLAP, so Haas takes him down, and suplexes Spike across the top rope. A running knee left sends Spike to the floor, and we better not get anymore interruptions by my fucking cable. Spike rakes the eyes and connects with a headbutt to the midsection. Spike posts Haas in the corner, and poses to basically no reaction. Josh Matthews declares his love for bread and butter, while fatboy Steve Casablanca says he likes garlic on it. In the mean time, Spike works the arm of Haas until he eats an elbow in the face and falls victim to a modified Fame-Asser/Rocker Dropper. Haas with a Captain Crunch Shot (a.k.a a clothesline) followed by a one-man flapjack. Spike takes a hike, but Haas drags him back in a firemans carry. Spike tries something, but Haas catches him with the Exploder Suplex (still using his old partners move) for the win at 5:01. DUD Just couldn't get into this one, as Haas continues to be misused, although his lack of personality makes it all right I guess. [Commercial Break - Wrestlemania XXI Commercial with Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Christian (who is fucking FUNNY here), and Stacy Keibler in a horrible rip off of Basic Instinct. Stacy is just too damn butter-faced, and the scene just doesn't work when.. You know what isn't shown. Also using MOOLAH AND MAE YOUNG makes me vomit ... but Christian is still too damn funny. Christian: .... I love you. When Young shows her ... yeah, Christian: My eyes!] - Flashback from Smackdown! JBL accidentally gets shot with a tranquilizer, but they clip everything out, so they just show JBL was lying, and Big Show making the entire cabinet (JBL, The Bashams, and Orlando Jordan) his bitches. Way to go in booking the World Champion good. Fucking stupid WWE, I could book better than this when I was 11. [Commercial Break - Super marks in Japan dressed as various WWE Wrestlers kinda creeps me out, like a 1993 picture with whacks dressed like Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Tatanka, Doink, The Undertaker, and GIANT GONZALES of all people. The fact someone made something an airbrushed copy of his outfit pisses me off. John Cena wearing a New York Yankees jersey takes him off my shit list until the next time I see him on T.V. without one.] - Paul London (0-2) vs. Akio (2-0): Akio has an undefeated streak going for 2005 Velocity, beating Paul London on 1/15/05, and Nunzio on 1/29/05, while London is off losses to Suzuki on 1/1/05 and to Akio. This definitely has a chance to be good, as were the last three meetings between these two that I can remember. London leads the series 2-1, so look for Akio to try and tie it up at two apiece. Holy shit ... this match is getting 16:00!? London has his whacky turquoise tights, and slides from one side of the ring to the other (gets lubrication devices). Akio (Jimmy Yang) is pretty over for the obvious reasons... (cough he doesn't suck and is from Japan). The duo circle each other and the crowd is already into this one. Lockup, and Akio with a deep arm drag a la Ricky Steamboat. Lockup #2, and they go into the corner and onto the ground until they break clean to a good response. Lockup, and Akio with a standing side headlock. London reverses into his own, which Akio turns into an overhead wristlock into a go behind takedown. Hammerlocks exchanged and Akio with a head scissors (which Romero doesn't call properly). London kips up free for a stand off, and we get a fake hand shake. Akio with a side headlock followed by a stiff shoulder block. Akio misses an elbow, and London applies a front facelock and he turns it into a side headlock. Akio fights free into an overhead wristlock, taking London down to the canvas, but he bridges free, only to be taken down into a headlock. London kicks away at the ankle of Akio, and turns it into a wristlock. Irish whip, and a criss cross leads to a knee lift into the midsection of Akio. Forearm to the side of the head by London. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, and London catches Akio with an elbow to the face followed by a stomp to the top of the head. London is back dropped to the apron, and he follows with a head scissors takedown, sending Akio outside. London bounces off the ropes, but Akio dodges the bullet. Greco Roman Knucklelock is teased, and they actually go for it, with Akio turning it into a modified camel clutch, until London reverses it back in quite a weird spot. Irish whip to the corner, and Akio with the run-up Tiger Mask back flip. A charge misses, and Akio lands outside as we go to a commercial. NOOOOOO! [Commercial Break] We come back, and I guarantee we miss something awesome, since we left with Akio in the perfect spot for an awesome move. London with mounted punches in the corner, but Akio dumps him out and he lands on the fucking steel steps! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! That had to hurt... Akio jumps off the apron with a kick into the neck, and covers inside the ring for a two count. God damn... Akio to the top rope with a modified hurricanrana in a position of the Tarantula. Akio back into the ring and he applies a squatting sleeper hold. London fights free, but Akio nails him with an enziguri from hell for a two count. Akio with a nasty-ass chop, and a whip to the corner, followed by a diving forearm. Akio to the top rope, and he misses a diving elbow drop, and now both men are down and out. London with a series of blows to the midsection and the two exchange some stiff chops with London taking control. Jawbreaker by London, followed by a cartwheel kick. London with a series of clotheslines, followed by a back body drop. London snaps and connects with the Drop-sault for a two count! Irish whip to the corner, and London eats an elbow, but catches Akio coming in with a jumping side kick for another two count! Akio with a knee lift, and he dumps London out, but he skins the cat and back drops Akio out of the ring. London calls for it... SOMERSAULT PLANCHA!! Back inside the ring, and London goes to the top rope with an axehandle attempt, but Akio catches him mid move with a heel kick to the chest for a two count! Both men are exhausted, but Akio sets London on the top rope... London blocks the hurricanrana, dropping Akio on his head, and connects with the 450 splash for the victory at 14:05!! **** I'll just copy and paste my opinion from the last match, except pump up the rating... just kidding! Honestly, the best match I have ever seen from Velocity since it debuted on May 25th, 2002. Both men busted there asses in a stiff, nail biting match, and London once again risking injury to please the audience deserves some credit. Also, glad to see they actually were given almost fifteen minutes on Velocity! That has to be the longest match ever on this show. Final Thoughts: If you didn't watch or tape this show, I strongly recommend getting it from someone who does, as the main event is kick ass and should be watched to answer the question why you still watch WWE. Everything else of course is pretty much passable junk, but still, a great match! Until next week ... psyche! psyche! First, the rankings of the Velocity Records... (All Records are compiled for anyone who has competed on Velocity in the year 2005) Singles Records Ratings: 1. Hardcore Holly (4-0) 2. Kenzo Suzuki (2-0; 1 MB) 2. Scotty Too Hotty (2-0; 1 MB) 4. Booker T (1-0; 1.5 MB) 4. Orlando Jordan (1-0; 1.5 MB) 4. Akio (2-1; 1.5 MB) 4. Charlie Haas (2-1; 1.5 MB) 8. Rene Dupree (2-2; 2 MB) 9. Paul London (1-2; 2.5 MB) 9. Chavo Guerrero (1-2; 2.5 MB) 9. Billy Kidman (0-1; 2.5 MB) 12. Nunzio (0-2; 3 MB) 13. Spike Dudley (0-3; 3.5 MB) NR. Luther Reigns (0-0) NR. Mark Jindrak (0-0) NR: Funaki (0-0) NR: Shannon Moore (0-0) NR: Doug Basham (0-0) NR: Danny Basham (0-0) Tag Team Records Rankings: 1. The Basham Brothers (1-0) 1. Luther Reigns & Mark Jindrak (1-0) 1. Paul London & Funaki (1-0) 4. Nunzio & Shannon Moore (0-1) 5. Hardcore Holly & Charlie Haas (0-2) Jobber Records Rankings: 1. John Walters (0-1) 1. Chet Jablowski (0-1) 1. Bobby McAlister (0-1) 1. Biohazard (0-1) |
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| Real F'n Show | Feb 13 2005, 12:44 PM Post #2 |
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dWb Superstar
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AHAHAHA. Nice review. I like the ranking system a lot. Hopefully my VCR worked this time (it didn't for Akio/Nunzio). I'm off to watch me some London vs. Akio. |
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| Scrooge McSuck | Feb 13 2005, 01:31 PM Post #3 |
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I'll get you next time, toilet!
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I think I put in the Jobbers just for kicks, and to see how many repeat offenders Velocity gets over a certain span of time. Hardcore Holly's record is very inflated, as only 2 of those wins came off of non-jobbers (or none, if you count Spike and Rene as Jobbers too) |
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