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WWE Velocity (February 26th, 2005):; Who the fuck is the Warrior/Jannetty guy
Topic Started: Feb 26 2005, 10:08 PM (687 Views)
Scrooge McSuck
I'll get you next time, toilet!
[ *  *  * ]
WWE Velocity (February 26th, 2005):

On last weeks abomination of an episode of Velocity (February 19th, 2005), Hardcore Holly pinned Kenzo Suzuki to keep up his undefeated streak on Velocity, Charlie Haas became 1/2 of the Worlds Greatest Tag Team again and pinned Rene Dupree, and finally, John Heidenreich pinned some Jobber-Bitch in a brutally boring squash that made a Giant Gonzalez match from Wrestling Challenge look like a 5-Star Classic.

When help is needed, I am not slow... it's hip hip hip and away I go... whoops. Wrong show. Uh... Velocity STILL has the image of the nWo ramming a semi into an ambulance in 2002, despite everyone who was part of the angle being out of the WWE... Anyway, Josh Mathews (who's about 69484 times better than Michael Cole) and Steve Romero (who's about 1/2 times worse than Jerry Lawler) are back... again... the hell with it.

This past sunday, WWE might've put on one of their worst PPV's ever (which is gettinb boring to say, since that comment comes up almost every month now for the single "brand" PPV's. Chavo... OH MY GOD...

- Paul London (1-2) vs. Spike Dudley (0-3):
Oh My God... Paul London looks like the fucking love child of a coked out Marty Jannetty and Tatanka, while wearing the Godfathers furr coat... Jesus Christ... also he's wearing those fruity tassles left over from the Ultimate Warrior, and... God Damn, he looks awful. At least he got rid of the faggot colors... but he doesn't look much better. Spike with a snapmare to start and a series of blows, while Josh Mathews makes fun of Londons outfit by calling it a mixture of the Berzerker and Ultimate Warrior. London fights back momentarily, but gets whipped to the corner. London with a back elbow, followed by the double stomp to the back of the head. Spike takes over though, and rams Marty Warrior's leg into the ring post. Snapmare again, and Spike with a double stomp to the chest. Londons outfit is seriously distracting me from actually doing play by play... God Damn. Spike pounds away on London, and rams him into the corner. Ultimatanka continues getting worked over, but he starts fighting back before getting kicked in the face. London gets pissed off and 'tards up like the Berzerker, and... more forearms. Irish whip, and an elbow to the face. Irish whip, and Spike gets taken down with a back body drop and a headbutt for a two count. Irish whip and a criss cross leads to the Drop-Sault from London. Pescado is teased, but London comes off the apron with a diving clothesline instead. Back inside we go, and London comes goes to the top, but gets thrown off. Spike tries the Dudley Dog, but London blocks and nails a Dragon Suplex (Full Nelson-German) and that ends this at 4:33... God damn, who designed Londons outfit? RD Reynolds on a crack fit? 1/2* Just for the sure comedy of psycho London Warrior. Right now, that outfit makes me want to become a raging alcoholic, but instead it just makes me go to the corner drug store to meet up with a man called "Martinez". Speaking of Martinez, Tino better play when the Yankees face the Pirates in an Exhibition Game on Thursday, 1.pm. on ESPN.

[Commercial Break]

Last Week on Smackdown: New Tag Team Champions Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio (Holy Depushing Batman!) defend the titles against the Basham Brothers, and well... you should know the result. The Mexicans beat the Vanilla Non-Midgets to retain the Titles. Thank You, Drive Through.

[Commercial Break: We get the stupid movie parody where Sharon Stone shows off her pussy when she uncrosses her legs. Big deal, the only good thing was Christians reactions to everything, and I've covered that already. Please make a new video of these...]

- Scotty Too Hotty (2-0) vs. Rene Dupree (2-3) (w/ Fifi):
Scotty is STILL employed? Jesus fuck, someone release him. I guess he's back on the active list for the rankings, with an impressive (HA!) 2-0 record, while Dupree is sucking ass lately. Lockup, and Dupree takes over Scotty with a hip toss, then plays to the crowd. Dupree repeats the spot and bad mouths Scotty, which means he's calling something out or asking him to have dinner. Lockup into the corner, and Dupree misses a sucker punch. Scotty with a series of arm drags, and he applies an armbar. IRish whip to the corner is reversed, and Scotty does the SCOTTY TICKLER~! then takes Dupree over with an arm drag. Irish whip, and Dupree kicks Scotty in the nads before tossing him shoulder first into the post. Scotty gets rammed into the buckle, allowing Dupree to pound on him like Holly did to Dupree a little while back. Dupree applies an armbar while I vomit at the thought of JBL/Cena and HHH/Batista being the main events of Wrestle-fuckin-mania. The RAW Match should be OK, but God Damn, I hate Triple H, and the Smackdown match looks like horse shit. If you didn't notice, I'm just rambling while Dupree does an incredibly boring rest period two minutes into the match. Scotty fights free, but runs into a sleeper hold, but part II: he takes Dupree down with a back suplex. Scotty with an inverted atomic drop followed by a diving forearm. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, but Dupree meets an elbow, and Scotty goes for the bulldog, but Dupree knees him in the chest and does the FRENCH TICKLER~! Scotty reverses a slam with a roll up for a two count. Dupree eats a super kick to the face, but gets up at a two count. Dupree uses the pants leverage to send Scotty out, but S2H holds on and comes back in, before getting planted with a powerslam into a sit down position for the victory at 5:38. * Eh... I've seen much worse from Dupree, but I really wasn't feeling this match. I'm amazed both men are still on the active roster... oh fuck it, I already said that.

[Commercial Break: Slam of the Week - Undertaker does a choke out on Mark Jindrak, which results in Jindrak and Reigns brawling... wow, I can't WAIT for that on Wrestlemania.]

- Charlie Haas & Hardcore Holly (0-2) vs. Fred Sampson & Mike Kruel:
SQUASH TIME! Haas and Kruel start the match. Haas with a hammerlock, but Kruel bitch slaps Haas, before getting knocked on his ass. Haas stomps away on Kruel in the corner, and charges hard into the corner. Butterfly suplex by Haas gets a two count, and he drops Kruel across the top rope. Holly tags in, and kicks Kruel... south of the waist. Kruel gets kicked in the head, and Sampson gets the tag in. Holly kicks him in the chest and chops away at Sampson. Holly with a full nelson slam (ouch) gets a two count, but gets taken into the Jobber corner to get punched and kicked. Holly fights back on Kruel, and takes him over with a suplex for a two count. Irish whip to the corner, but Kruel fights off both men (wha?!) and clotheslines Haas. Irish whip, and Sampson kicks Holly in the back of the head. Sampson tags back in and hammers on Holly in the corner. Kruel with a snapmare, and he applies a reverse chinlock. Holly fights out with rights, and kinda messes up on his signature dropkick. Haas gets the not-so-hot tag and drops Kruel with a back elbow, followed by several clotheslines. Back body drop by Haas, and a dropkick to Sampson. THE STRAPS COME OFF, and Haas connects with the Exploder suplex on Kruel. Holly clotheslines Sampson out of the ring as Haas makes Kruel tap out to then Haas of Pain at 5:23. 1/2* Too punchy and kicky, plus the Jobbers got in WAY too much offense. However, glad to see the Haas of Pain make its return, but Holly really wasn't into this match at all.

[Commercial Break]

Last Week on Smackdown: JBL has a special celebration for retaining the Champoionship, he just had the ring set up special wiyh white ropes, red carpets... and of course, BIG SHOW (no Cena) comes out, beats the shit out of some plants, tosses shit around, and out comes Cena to help save Big Show. Of course, the painting is destroyed... like ANYONE expected otherwise. Later on Cena/Show fought Jordan/JBL. Guess what the result is... cause I don't care enough to comment. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate John Cena.

[Commercial Break: Wrestlemania Recall - Steve Allen's "Russian National Anthems" with the Bolsheviks ends with someone flushing the toilet. Hilarious, and from Wrestlemania VI.]

- Booker T (1-0) vs. Kenzo Suzuki (2-1) (w/ Hiroko):
I don't care... and how come Suzuki keeps getting the final matches on Velocity? Oh well, at least it's going to be (considerably) shorter than the usual finale match of Velocity. At No Way Out, Heidenreich used a chair on Booker to get disqualified... LAME. First Heidenreich, now Suzuki... what a bad week for Booker T. Lockup goes into the corner, and Suzuki misses a sucker punch. Booker pounds away with chops, and connects with a back elbow off of an Irish whip. Booker with a snap suplex for a quick two count. Booker with more chopping in the ropes. Irish whip is reversed, and Suzuki kinda fucks up dropping Booker across the top rope. Into the corner, and now Suzuki chops down Booker like Tatanka London chops down a tree. Snapmare by Suzuki, and he applies the VULCAN NECK PINCH~! I wish television had the ability to skip crap... of course that means ridding the world of 99 unwanted reality shows. Booker fights out and tries for the Scissors Kick, but Suzuki boots him in the face for a two count. Suzuki with a jumping knee drop, and that gets another two count, then he goes to the rear chinlock. A LOT of ugly ass kids in the crowd... where are they in, Mississippi? Suzuki goes to a side headlock, but Booker takes him down with a back suplex. Booker now gets in a series of rights and chops, followed by a clothesline. Booker with another clothesline, followed by the side kick for a two count. Irish whip and Booker with a spinebuster... and we get the SPINAROONI! Suzuki ducks the side kick again, but gets kneed to the midsection, and Booker with the Scissors kick finishes him at 5:12. 3/4* Another boring ass match, but not so bad it requires me to use the letters "D" "U" and "D" again. Thankfully, this ends the show.

Final Thoughts: What the hell was up with Londons new look? I understand the fact that he's getting pushed, but every time he is pushed, it needs a wardrobe change? Tonight he looked like the Berzerker, Ultimate Warrior, Godfather, Marty Jannetty, and Tatanka all fucked each other in the ass and somehow had a baby. Oh, Velocity sucked this week (sadly), thus makingf the streak 2 weeks of bad Velocity. Until next time... but first, TO THE RANKINGS!

Booker T moves up into a tie for second place with Charlie Haas, who along with Hardcore Holly, competed in Tag Team action and finally got a win, but are still in the cellar for actual teams. Scotty returns to the board and drops into a tie for 4th place, while everyone else stays the same, except for Suzuki, who has fallen from 2nd to a tie for 8th.

Singles Records Ratings:
(As of February 26th, 2005)
1. Hardcore Holly (5-0)
2. Charlie Haas (3-1; 1.5 MB)
2. Booker T (2-0; 1.5 MB)
4. Scotty Too Hotty (2-1; 2 MB)
4. Orlando Jordan (1-0; 2 MB)
4. John Heidenreich (1-0; 2 MB)
4. Akio (2-1; 2 MB)
8. Rene Dupree (3-3; 2.5 MB)
8. Paul London (2-2; 2.5 MB)
8. Kenzo Suzuki (2-2; 2.5 MB)
11. Chavo Guerrero (1-2; 3 MB)
12. Nunzio (0-2; 3.5 MB)
13. Spike Dudley (0-4; 4.5 MB)
IA: Billy Kidman (0-1)
NR. Luther Reigns (0-0)
NR. Mark Jindrak (0-0)
NR: Funaki (0-0)
NR: Shannon Moore (0-0)
NR: Doug Basham (0-0)
NR: Danny Basham (0-0)

Tag Team Records Rankings:
1. The Basham Brothers (1-0)
1. Luther Reigns & Mark Jindrak (1-0)
3. Paul London & Funaki (1-0)
4. Nunzio & Shannon Moore (0-1)
5. Hardcore Holly & Charlie Haas (1-2)
LAST. Fred Sampson & Mike Kruel (0-1)

Jobber Records Rankings:
Last. John Walters (0-1)
Last. Chet Jablowski (0-1)
Last. Bobby McAlister (0-1)
Last. Biohazard (0-1)
Last. Mike Mundo (0-1)
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whitemilesdavis
Tha Nu Me
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Yeah, the only thing of note on that episode was what the heck was up with Paul London? I didn't find it humorous or entertaining or anything. Looks like Vince will have him in a gay wedding before long.
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Scrooge McSuck
I'll get you next time, toilet!
[ *  *  * ]
Paul London and Shannon Moore can form the Legion of Queer with their looks. Queer Warrior Shannon, Queer Warrior Paula.
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whitemilesdavis
Tha Nu Me
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Don't put it past the sick bastard Vince.
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