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Dave Barry Column; Hilarity Ensues
Topic Started: Oct 8 2005, 01:19 PM (891 Views)
The Swigg Lebowski
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Current Two Time DWB Champion
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Let's grapple with wrestlers' ethics-Dave Barry

If there's one question that troubles every thinking person, it's this: Does cheating go on in professional wrestling? In an effort to find an answer, I recently attended a tournament sanctioned by Florida Championship Wrestling. I chose FCW for two solid journalistic reasons:

1.) It is a venerable circuit in the "minor leagues" of professional wrestling, where the potential stars of tomorrow learn the ground rules.

2.) It is near my house.

The FCW tournament I attended was held at the Miccosukee Indian Gaming Center, located west of Miami on the edge of the Everglades. This is one of the few gaming facilities where you can gamble on bingo, slot machines, poker, etc., and then ... merely by walking a short distance ... get eaten by alligators.

I watched the wrestling matches from a seat right next to the commissioner of FCW, Bernie Siegel. It is Siegel's job to monitor the sport closely for cheating and impose stiff punishments on wrongdoers.

"I haven't had an eye exam in years," he told me.

In the first match, a wrestler who had been losing suddenly gained the upper hand (so to speak) by kicking his opponent in a very sensitive masculine region.

"Did you see that?" I asked Siegel.

"See what?" he answered.

The referee didn't see it either, even though he was standing about 2 feet from the wrestlers. It takes a special type of person to be a professional-wrestling referee, the type of person who, if he had been present when the Hindenburg was being consumed by a giant ball of flame, would have been looking at the ground.

In the next match, a wrestler thumbed his opponent in the eye, yanked on his hair and then choked him for approximately five minutes while the referee hovered alertly nearby, looking for violations.

"These are world-class athletes," observed Siegel.

Next, in one of the featured matches, a wrestler named Larry Lane fought (Playboy) Bobby Davis, who is 350 pounds of highly disciplined, superbly trained, expertly conditioned fat. Lane was winning, but then Davis' "manager," a woman named Ebony, distracted the referee while a third wrestler, Tony Apollo, who was supposed to be injured and who was not, technically, even in this match, climbed into the ring and whacked Lane over the head with his crutch.

"I didn't see anything there," said Siegel, before I even asked him.

In another featured match, a wrestler named Anthony (The South Beach Stud) Adonis distracted the referee by asking him about the rules ("Our referees are trained to be instructive at all times," said Siegel). For several minutes, while the referee patiently explained the rules, directly behind his back, Adonis' opponent, Billy Viper, was writhing on the mat in agony while being repeatedly kicked in the masculine region and clawed in the eyeball region by Adonis' manager, a woman named Babe.

"We've had people get their eyes gouged out," observed Siegel, adding, "They become referees."

In subsequent matches, a wrestler beat his opponent in the face with a cowbell (yes, a cowbell); a manager named Abudadein (The Master of Darkness) used his staff (The Staff of Darkness) to knock out a security guard; and Duke (The Dumpster) Droese appeared to be about to win his match when his opponent, the Cuban Assassin, clubbed him senseless with a flagpole holding a Cuban flag.

All in all, it was an exciting evening of athletic competition. And although at times it appeared, to my untrained eye, that some of the contestants might possibly have been taking liberties with the rules of fair play, I realize that this could hardly be possible, if the commissioner of Florida Championship Wrestling, who happens to be a licensed attorney and whose whole job is to keep an eye on things, did not see any violations.

So rest easy, America: The popular sport of professional wrestling is definitely on the up and up.

Its integrity is protected by safeguards every bit as stringent as the ones used to protect America's most vital nuclear secrets.

You think I'm joking.

This is a classic Dave Barry column.

Originally published on October 8, 2005
Scrooge McSuck
 
I'm too hefty for my slacks. The zippers off it's tracks. I've stretched it to the maa-a-a-a-x.
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TheGreatWhiteChoate
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Dave Barry is pretty funny, though not as much now as he used to be.


That's a great column, tho.
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The Ultimate Warrior dancing with Phil Collins. My life, at last, complete.
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Scrooge McSuck
I'll get you next time, toilet!
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DUKE THE DUMPSTER DROESE?!?! Oh man, I wish I saw this!~!
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Viceroy Virus
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The Return of Andre "The Fucking" Giant!
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Sounds like a good main event. :P

That's weird about Droese though. He's been with FCW since he left the WWF back in '96/'97; And then he left the wrestling business and Florida all together a few years back. To think, he wrestled with FCW that entire time and held the FCW Heavyweight title once back in 2000.
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