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From The Pages of WWF Magazine: January 1993
Topic Started: May 7 2014, 10:19 PM (527 Views)
Scrooge McSuck
I'll get you next time, toilet!
[ *  *  * ]
FROM THE PAGES OF WWF MAGAZINE...

I'm officially bored, and going through the random crap that clutters my closet. Shitty board games on the top shelf, a giant plastic container of toys from my childhood, random boxes of old VHS wrestling tapes (mostly masters purchased off eBay).... Ninja Turtles, WWF Hasbro Action Figures, comic books, baseball cards (oh, so many baseball cards), and of course, some random issues of WWF Magazine (among other publications). Who didn't enjoy reading all the kayfabed nonsense that was inside WWF Magazine? Where everything was treated as real, and low-blows were taken at those who worked for the competition. Randomly pulling out a few issues, I figure why not thumb through the issue labeled as "January 1993", considering I'm working on television compilations starting with that months and year?



COVER STORY: The Undertaker vs. Nailz Program that was teased and ended abruptly thanks to Nailz (Kevin Wacholz) being terminated for physically assaulting Vince McMahon before the television tapings on December 14th (allegedly over being underpaid for his squash of Virgil at SummerSlam). The 5-page spread feature sillouetes of an electric chair, which plays into the rumor of the two having some kind of "Final Judgment" Match featuring such a contraption. The article actually makes it sound like a great angle: The Undertaker, who usually spooks opponents with visual mind games, and Nailz, an ex-con who doesn't know what fear is anymore. The matches would've been dog shit (correction: the one I've seen via Fan-Cam WAS dog shit), but the writer of the article (no name is listed, but Lou Gianfriddo and Keith Elliot Greenberg penned most of the stuff) does a great job getting it over.



BATTLE OF THE TITANS!
The Natural Disasters & High Energy (w/ Frankie) vs. Money Inc. (w/ Jimmy Hart) & The Beverly Brothers (w/ The Genius):

Weird they would choose a random match taped for Coliseum Video to be the feature of the month. Typically, if PPV Results weren't covered, the match would be from television and usually from a match worth recapping to advance a storyline. Taped on July 21st, 1992, from the Civic Center in Portland, ME. The Natural Disasters are into their second day as reigning Tag Team Champions, and wound up defending the titles against the Beverly Brothers a month later at SummerSlam. High Energy were fairly new as a team, but never did much, and Money Inc. just kind of did stuff until regaining the titles a few months later. Courtesy of Coliseum Video, let's go to the ring...

(From Wrestling Grudge Matches '93, and a "Fan Favorite" chosen by a fake fan from Melbourne, Australia. Because someone wanted to see THIS match?) Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes are on commentary. Everyone brawls to kick things off, with Money Inc/Disasters and Beverlys/High Energy breaking off into different pairs. Quake and Typhoon crush Money Inc., then along with High Energy, work over the Beverly Brothers. Dibiase and I.R.S. try coming back in, only to be sent back to the floor with a pair of dropkicks from Koko and Owen. Things calm down, with Dibiase and Owen starting officially. Koko tags in and instantly starts getting worked over. Beau with a decent double-underhook suplex. They set up too quickly for the leap frog/splash, getting zero reaction. I.R.S. tags in, puts the boots to Koko, and slaps on the abdominal stretch... you know the joke by now. The crowd is pretty lifeless, so who knows when during this marathon TV taping this match took place. Koko surprises Dibiase with a swinging neck breaker, but can't get to his corner. Koko takes more punishment, because 4 white guys beating on 1 black guy has to be some kind of symbolism from the twisted mind of Vince McMahon. Koko lays out Beau with a clothesline, and (finally) makes the hot tag to Typhoon. He cleans house of everyone walking, and then it's another wild brawl to wake the crowd up. The Disasters an High Energy clear the ring of everyone but Beau. High Energy double dropkick, Typhoon Splash, Earthquake Splash, and finally Koko, after pulling up his baggy pants, lands on top for the three count at 9:37. *1/2 The opening brawl was some fun stuff, but this instantly dropped into the ho-hum territory and the crowd was clearly burned out from what had to be a long day/night of taping (and it was a WRESTLING CHALLENGE taping, where even less happens).


- Brainstorms, an article penned by "Bobby Heenan", is used to run down Mr. Perfect, who recently turned on Heenan and Flair to set up his teaming with Randy Savage at the Survivor Series. Usually Brainstorms would feature a lot of one-liners, along the lines of what Heenan might say in character. Also, remember, the magazine is "January '93", but probably hit news stands and mail boxes sometime in the first half of December.


- Personality Profile features the recently debuted Headshrinkers, Samu and Fatu, as well as their manager, Afa, a former co-holder of the Tag Team Championships as a member of the Wild Samoans (yes, the article actually makes reference to this). They are violent and uncivilized, and enjoy eating Raw Fish. I'm SO scared.


- The monthly Interview is used to hype the upcoming Royal Rumble Match, and "talks" with previous Rumble Match participants Ric Flair (1992 Winner), Randy Savage (Never Winner), Ted Dibiase ('89 Runner Up), and El Matador Tito Santana (REALLY?!). These interviews were obviously made up and entirely kayfabed, and even as a kid, I never bothered reading them.


- A short 3 page article on Bret Hart about him bouncing back from losing the Intercontinental Championship at SummerSlam and winning the WWF Championship from Ric Flair a couple of months later. They also list his previous championship accomplishments, because it's Bret Hart. Total fluff article to pad out the issue. Bret's reign was already a few months deep at this point, and only a short paragraph actually mentions the victory.


- Sgt. Slaughter has retired from the ring and become Head WWF Official to make sure that rules are followed and justice prevails. One of the most notable such moments featured Bret Hart doing the job to Blake Beverly, only to be awarded the match by reverse decision because of Beau Beverly interfering. Yes, BRET HART WAS PINNED BY A BEVERLY. CRY.


- In an article that should've been featured as Battle of the Titans, we recap Shawn Michaels winning the Intercontinental Championship from The British Bulldog at the last episode of Saturday Night's Main Event (featured on FOX. Ugh).


- Jimmy Hart betrayed the Nasty Boys to help Money Inc. regain the Tag Team Championships from the Natural Disasters, so that's the Tag Title Program that never had a proper blowoff. Imagine how much better WrestleMania IX would've been with an undercard featuring Money Inc. vs. The Nasty Boys for the straps?


- Newsbeat! Marty Jannetty is back in the WWF after spending months on the shelf with career ending injuries (more like arrested for possession and getting into a scuffle with the Police)! He wants some of Shawn Michaels. "Terrific" Terry Taylor is back in the WWF, and did you know he did a good job in the '89 Rumble Match? The article says so. No mention of the Red Rooster, but the Manhattan Center crowd would remind him every time he made an appearance.


- World Wrestling Federation Lowdown is an article that does quick little notes on various things that aren't big enough of a deal to devote entire articles to (but sometimes should have). Bam Bam Bigelow is back in the WWF (and actually referenced as returning and not some guy they never heard of), Tatanka and Sgt. Slaughter were at Planet Hollywood, Kona Crush is doing stuff, Randy Savage was in Germany to promote WWF Magazine, and some crap about IcoPro. You've got to want it!




WWF TRIVIA! (Answers can be found in back issues of WWF Magazine!)

TOUGH AS YOU KNOW WHAT...
1. Nailz reportedly spent half his life in prison under what kind of confinement?
2. Nailz likes to compare Big Boss Man to what barnyard animal?
3. OK, what number is imprinted on his red overalls? (it's ORANGE!)

JUNGLE GIANT
1. From what jungles does Kamala hail?
2. How many stars does Kamala have painted on his massive chest?
3. According to Kamala's manager, Dr. Harvey Wippleman, those who become Kamala's "property" are likely to suffer what fate?

ALL IN THE FAMILY
1. Bret "Hitman" Hart's older brother also wrestled in the Calgary, Alberta, Canada area. Do you know what his name is? (Pretty sure he had more than one)
2. Currently, one of the Hit Man's brothers teams with Birdman Koko B. Ware. Who is he?
3. What are the first names of Bret's mother and father?


BRAVE NEW WORLD
1. What does the red streak in Tatanka's hair symbolize?
2. Tatanka has spoken out against the use of what bulk-building drugs?
3. Tatanka recently proved his mettle by winning a battle royal involving a record number of WWF Superstars. How many?


ODDS & ENDS
1. What two words has Macho Man Randy Savage used so often that he has made them famous?
2. At one time, he teamed with Shawn Michaels until Michaels turned on him. Can you name Shawn Michaels' former partner?
3. What kind of car does Razor Ramon drive?

WWF Magazine also (at the time) featured a WWF Crossword in the back pages. Mostly mark stuff, like "The Model Rick Martel is French _____ (8)" or ""What wrestler did Mr. Perfect meet at SummerSlam '91? (4, 4)"




ADVERTISEMENTS!
(I'm not going to bother listing every page that advertises back issues, WWF Spotlight, WWF Posters, or any of the Ico-Pro products. That's almost a minimum of 5 pages per issue wasted for me.)

Inside Cover: Coliseum Video presents 6 new titles for your Wrestling Video Library, at only $9.95 each (but you have to by all six to get that deal). They don't even offer the option of buying just one of them. Titles are: The Immortal Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior (92 Edition), Fan Favorite Matches, Hottest Matches (92 version), WrestleMania's Greatest Matches, and Wrestling World Tour. Fans with a decent knowledge of previous releases will find out all of these titles are mostly recycle-jobs. Example: half of the Warrior tape is the Mania VI Main Event and a handful of his TV matches from 1992 against the likes of Brian Knobbs and Skinner.

Pages 29-31: Contra III: The Alien Wars for the Super-NES. Contra, Super C, Contra III, Contra IV (DS)... all of them rock the world and are worth owning in any retro-gaming collection.

Page 39: Chuck Rock for the SNES. Only played this for the first time a few months ago, and while it looks good with detailed sprites and backgrounds, it plays very sluggish. That seems to be my major complaint about a lot of the 16-bit era: Good graphics, poor gameplay.

Inside Back Cover: WWF Superstars Video Gamemania! Super WrestleMania for the SNES and Sega Genesis (with two different rosters!), WWF Steel Cage Challenge for the NES (it stinks!), and WWF Superstars 2 for the GameBoy (95% of GameBoy games stunk, so take a hint).

Back Cover: Hook: The Video Game, for the Super NES (Also Available on the NES and GameBoy)! Based on the film of the same name, starring Robin Williams and (I think) Dustin Hoffman. I've only played the NES version, and like the majority of video games based on movies, it sucked. I wouldn't be surprised if the SNES version is the same with just slightly improved graphics.


Uh... that's all. Not the best issue to thumb through, as there's a lot of filler. Obviously I found great enjoyment looking at all the old advertisements, mostly of WWF products and random video games. If anyone really wants to answer the trivia questions, then you will know you wasted a few minutes of your time, but a lot less than I've wasted.
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