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| Anita drama 1 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2018, 03:57 AM (3 Views) | |
| Bloody Death Bagel | Jan 14 2018, 03:57 AM Post #1 |
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SPARTA!
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NEXT "ADD MORE" DRAMA ANITA Hi, Yali. YALI Hi, Anita. ANITA How's your night been going? YALI Just got off from work. How's yours? ANITA Just getting out, meeting new people. YALI What do you look for here? ANITA I'm looking to meet new people and date around. If I meet someone who meets my standards, possibly a friend with benefits. But I refuse to hop into bed with a guy until at least five dates have happpened. If that's not for you, feel free to move on now. YALI It's not that, it's just cause I move around the USA until I'll leave to my country. So after Christmas, I'll probably not be in California, so I can't really have a serious relationship. EVRYN Well, you've already ruled yourself out, so you might as well leave now. ANITA Ah, I see. I mean, I'm not looking for anything long-term. Mainly because I've given up on finding someone who will love me and not abandon me. And that's just my policy on having sex with guys I meet here. It's how I deter the ones just looking for a piece of ass for one night. YALI I never had sex here though. EVRYN Well not right here where everyone can see you, I would hope. MARIE I think he means he's never had sex in California. ANITA I'm not saying you have, hun, it's just my policy on it with the general population here. I never implied you have. YALI Did you ever fuck anyone here? EVRYN Yes, I'm quite certain Anita has had sex within the state of California before. CORRI Isn't that more her business to tell, though? EVRYN Whoa, who's got their hand up your bum? EPIPHANY [Don't ask you that she'll start describing it in painstaking detail] (The screen suddenly goes fuzzy. Fade to black, then fade in) CORRI I'm sorry, you guys, I'm just not feeling like myself lately. ANITA I'm not going to answer that question, Yali, as that's none of your business. MARIE Neither are your abandonment issues. EVRYN And yet, here we are. ANITA I told you what I'm seeking from here and that's all you need to know in that regard. If you wish to know anything about me aside from that stuff, feel free to ask away. YALI Told you there's no point in that, cause I'll be leaving anyways. EVRYN Then why are you still having that conversation? Looks to me like Yali might ought to sod off now. ANITA Then if you don't want to know anything about me as a person or date anyone since you're leaving after Christmas, why even join up, or even get to know anyone for that matter? Your words and actions don't line up, dear. YALI Look, I'm not gonna have sex with you even if you wanted. But a blow job would sound good. That's bottom line. SERLEINA, holding a crooked dagger DARK ONE, I SUMMON THEE! MAKE THIS ASSHOLE GET THE FUCK OUT! [SUDDENLY, DREPANON!] DREPANON I have GOT to start hiding that dagger better. DREPANON picks Yali up and starts carrying him off-stage as Anita continues berating him. ANITA So... you just want to get off? What would I get in return? Or are your needs all that concern you? EVRYN That's actually a very valid line of questioning. MARIE Well, you know, stopped clocks. EPIPHANY, angry marks [Could you NOT?] MARIE Ah, oops. Sorry. YALI jumps down from Drepanon's hold. YALI No... I'm willing to get you off as well however you would like. EVRYN You just said you wouldn't sleep with her even if she wanted you to, what the fuck? MARIE Is he quibbling about what counts as sleeping with someone? SIGYN NOW can I make that Clinton joke? TOKIOMI Sigyn, NO. DREPANON Can I borrow your broom? SIGYN I don't know, CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN you? DREPANON ... DREPANON is now holding Sigyn's broom. I guess so. SIGYN Well, there you go, then. Wash it when you're done, if you please. I don't want "fuckboy" gunking up my bristles. DREPANON starts chasing Yali around the set with the broom. SERLEINA YES!!! SNUFF OUT THE UNCLEAN! SNUFF OUT THE UNNECESSARY! SNUFF OUT THE UNAWNTED! ANITA I rather you buy me dinner before I consider that. YALI I can buy you dinner. At KFC. ANITA How about at Olive Garden? YALI Nah, I don't know you that much. EVRYN You don't know her well enough to buy her dinner at a mid-price sit-down restaurant, but you know her well enough to have sex with her? I'm sorry, what? ANITA Then tell me, dear, why should I give a random fuckboy a blow job who hasn't even done anything to deserve it? YALI Plus, I'm a feminist and don't believe men should be paying for women's desires. LENA That's not even what feminism entails. What a cheap cop-out. MARIE On the one hand, Anita is the kind of woman who uses men for money. On the other, if that's his price range, I see why he's not just seeking a prostitute. EVRYN I mean, he could probably find a cheaper prostitute on Craigslist... SIGYN He could find a cheaper prostitute at Job Corps. EVRYN Yeah, okay, but some of the girls there are underage. SIGYN That sounds like not my problem. ANITA HA! A feminist, you say? YALI I can go down on you in return. That's what friends-with-benefits are for, you smartass. MARIE If his threshold for feminism is "giving a woman oral sex", that... MARIE waves her arms around in frustration. MARIE I apparently literally do not have words for that. EVRYN Well, as Lena said, it's basically just a copout. He doesn't want to pay for dinner, but he wants sexual favours from her and is willing to reciprocate them, but without regard to whether that's something SHE would want, when I think she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't. Whether or not she uses men for their money is... okay, not great, but-- MARIE Not relevant to his being an asshole here. EVRYN Yes, because he's not aware of this behavior pattern from her. MARIE Yes. It's a "for all he knows" situation. ANITA I'm smart AND an ass! AHRRY ... Um... ANITA Thanks for noticing. Listen here, honey. Since I don't think you're willing to take the time to get to know me, I'll just tell you now that I have a little something I like to call "standards". EVRYN If your standards are so high, ask for Red Lobster, not Olive Garden. MARIGOLD Gold-digging: You're doing it wrong! DREPANON drops the broom and just stares. SERLEINA I think my dagger is defective. Drepanon hasn't made Yali go away yet. MARIE Clearly, he is unskilled in "broom-shoo." DREPANON I'd like a longer broom handle, actually. Like a ten-foot pole with bristles on the end. SERLEINA Jeez, do all Dark Ones whine this much or make this many excuses? DREPANON I'm a millennial, what do you expect? SERLEINA No you're not! DREPANON ... I am for a demon. SERLEINA and MARIE That's not how it works! DREPANON ... it is for demons. MARIE No, it's not. DREPANON Enjerus R Diffent? EVRYN You're not an Enzeru! DREPANON Oh, right. OVD Once again, please pick a characterization and stick with it. DREPANON AND ONCE AGAIN, I CAN'T COMMIT AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! MARIGOLD Ain't that the truth... CORRI YOU get a lampshade! and YOU get a lampshade! EVERYBODY GETS A LAMP-- (The screen goes staticky and fades to black) Fade in. CORRI, holding a lampshade Huh, I wonder where this came from. ANITA --and I'm not going to do anything remotely sexual with you without a proper first date. EVRYN And then a proper second, third, fourth, and fifth, as you said earlier. ANITA That "standards" thing I mentioned a second ago, you are not even close to meeting them and you want to know why? DESMODA Is it because he's foreign? MARIE What the fuck? CORRI What did she say? I can't hear her through her accent. CINNAMON She asked if Yali doesn't meet Anita's standards because Yali is foreign. EVRYN Maybe he's just the wrong kind of foreign? LENA YOU GUYS! EVRYN Well, it's true that some cultures do have a problematic view of American women, like, they'll automatically assume that because American women don't cover up as much as women in their locale, that American women MUST be easy. MARIE Okay, now I'm just getting flashbacks to my time in the Mormon church, where they basically say that women on TV who wear something a little bit revealing are asking for something terrible to happen to them. AKUMA Are they asking to be cast in this show, because that's probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me. MARIE, dramatically! "Alas! I just went out to have some sexual immorality and now this serial killer is making me feel so attacked!" AKUMA, unironically I hate it when that happens. MARIE "If only I had worn a shirt that covers my cleavage and shoulders, and then I wouldn't have deserved--" SERLEINA EXCUSE THE SHIT OUT OF MY GODDAMN FRENCH, BUT ARE YOU FUCKING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY THREATENING ME? MARIE No, I'm just paraphrasing what my mom REALLY means when she says that a female character "should have expected that". SERLEINA ... SERLEINA looks at Akuma AKUMA What? SERLEINA BEHOLD, IT IS *MY* FAULT THAT ALL THESE TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU, AKUMA! I MUST REPENT! REPENT FOR MY SINS! LORD JESUS, FORGIVE ME FOR MY WAYWARD SHOULDERS AND HAVE MERCY UPON THIS POOR UNFORTUNATE CREATURE BESIDE ME! AN INTERCOM (that is not OVD) Attention Earthlings: Those of you who were just praying to help heal the sick and downtrodden amongst yourselves, please start over from the beginning, because Jesus has lost track. THANKS, SERLEINA. COLLECTIVE VOICES THANKS, SERLEINA. SERLEINA Aww yiss, hijacking the world's prayers! HEY! CAN YOU GET THIS GUY OUT OF HERE? I TRIED ASKING DREPANON BUT HE'S USELESS! DREPANON --! SERLEINA GIVE HIM THE STRENGTH AND THE "BROOM-SHOO" COMPETENCE TO-- INTERCOM Please, shut up. EPIPHANY [Who the fuck was that?] OVD Oh, that's Peter. We're golf buddies. EPIPHANY [That explains everything.] YALI Nah, I'm good. ANITA Well, I'll tell you anyways. You are a shit person and a self-entitled piece of shit-- EVRYN You just used "shit" twice in the same sentence. You may want to work on that. ANITA --who should hop on the next flight back to whatever country you crawled out of. MARIE Um-- LENA OH MY FUCKING GOD, ANITA. MARIE That. YALI Ha ha ha ha, you made me laugh so hard, thanks for the entertainment, honey. ANITA No problem! And yes, I HAVE had sex with men from meat markets. All were more polite and decent than your sorry ass-- AHRRY Hey, don't drag me into this. MARIE You're your own sorry ass, Ahrry. AHRRY AHRRY NOT SORRY! ANITA --and they bought me a nice dinner beforehand, too. They actually earned it. SERLEINA NOW WAIT A MINUTE. Just because a guy buys you food don't mean you gotta put out for him. DREPANON What are you TALKING about? MARIE Drepanon, shut up. You're a rapist. DREPANON I don't see how my criminal record is relevant. MARIE You really are stupid, aren't you? SIGYN That's okay, he's pretty so he doesn't have to be smart. DREPANON Don't help me. MARIE He's a man, not a betta fish. ORION HOW DARE YOU! DREPANON IS *NOT* A BETA MALE! CORRI Orion, that's not-- Oh, forget it. INTERCOM A wise decision. Even my boss gave up on *that* man. CINNAMON OH, SNAP! DREPANON Whose side are you on?! CINNAMON Wait, so is that how you became a demon? DREPANON I-- I don't want to talk about it! YALI I never saw anyone taking Meat Markets seriously to the point of getting salty like you do. EVRYN Then you're clearly new around here. DREPANON, still trying to push Yali off-screen with a broom He's a one-shot wonder if I ever saw one. SERLEINA How are you so BAD at this?! EVRYN What, God literally giving up on him wasn't a clue? SERLEINA Ha, no, I knew that, I was just trying to get someone to reiterate it. Man, I can't believe it. How bad of a person do you have to be that GOD ACTUALLY GIVES UP ON YOU? OVD Please don't send the entire production team to Hell, Serleina. SERLEINA I DO WHAT I WANT! MARIE Already boycotting Heaven to protest the institution of Hell. OVD Aaaand cue the concern-trolling evangelist letters... LENA Hey, if there's any concern-trolling to be done around here, I think I've got a pretty good handle on it! MARIE We've noticed. ANITA By the way, I think I know why you have yet to have sex here with anyone. EVRYN Besides the fact that he's a tourist? I mean, I don't fuck someone in every new place I visit. DREPANON Really? Why NOT? EVRYN I'm glad you asked. Okay so, firstly, I'm FIFTEEN. DREPANON ...and? EVRYN ... I'm going to stand on *this* side of the room. EPIPHANY [Do you want me to get an Adult for you?] EVRYN No, I've got Serleina, thanks. ANITA No woman wants to put up with your incessant thinking. EVRYN Actually, it seems thinking is the opposite of what Yali is doing. Or if he is thinking, he's not doing a very good job of it. ANITA Why do you think I only see men here as meal tickets? CINNAMON Jeez, you don't have to just outright admit it like that and ruin it for the rest of us... ANITA I'll let them treat me to a nice meal, then bail if I don't want to sleep with them. Simple as that. CINNAMON ...never mind, that doesn't paint you in the best light and I don't really want to get lumped in with you, so... yeah, forget I said anything. ANITA I would have done the same with you too, dear. MARIE But you're just too cheap to shell out to Olive Garden. SIGYN You know, I'm really grateful that the friends who take me out to eat don't expect me to fuck them afterwards. Just saying. TOKIOMI I'm sure you wouldn't need the prompting. SIGYN Epiphany, do you think I could put in a request for a new Adult? I think mine's broken. EPIPHANY [Can you wait until we're on the Lexaeuses?] SIGYN Why? EPIPHANY [Because if the Adults file a sexual harassment claim against you, I will get in trouble.] TOKIOMI Point proven, thank you, Doctor. YALI So basically, you're calling yourself a meal whore. SERLEINA Hey, what's wrong with that? Some of the best sex I've ever had was gratitude sex for free food. But that's just my personal style, you know, not everyone's gotta go and COPY ME! ANITA Better than a man whore! [enter META] META DIIIIIIIIIIIID SOMEBODY SAY "MAN WHORE"? SERLEINA Why didn't you show up earlier when somebody said "gold digger"? META Well, Marigold was already here, so.. YALI You're freaking lame. META Can you wait more than ten seconds after I enter to start insulting me, please? MARIE No. Please leave. LENA Can you at least use less ableist insults? SERLEINA WELL YOU SEE, HE WOULD, EXCEPT THAT HE'S RIGHT. Meta and his arguments really don't have a LEG TO STAND ON! OVD Serleina, once again, I must ask you to refrain from sending the entire production team to Hell. SERLEINA Well jeez, it sounds like most of them are going there voluntarily anyway! SIGYN I can't go. SERLEINA Why? SIGYN Because I'm pretty sure by the time I'm dead, the paperwork for the restraining order Drepanon has PROBABLY filed against me will have been accepted by the court. DREPANON No, you're good. I'm too cheap to file a restraining order. I just cause them to file one against me, instead! SIGYN You... know that's not going to work with me... right? SIGYN and CINNAMON high-five. MARIE Can we get back to the two shitty people fighting because they don't want to fuck each other? CORRI WE'RE GOING TO DO ONE OF *MY* SCRIPTS? YAY! MARIE I need to go lie down. [stagequit MARIE] ANITA And your face is generic. EPIPHANY [Did she just imply that all people of a particular ethnicity look the same?] DREPANON Cry more, Epiphany. It's not as bad as on Halloween when NONE OF YOU FUCKERS COULD TELL ME APART FROM SIGYN, USAGI, CIN, OR *FUCKING SERLEINA*. SERLEINA Hey, Meta not being able to tell you and me apart was plausible. CINNAMON And Marie confused Drepanon and Usagi, too, so Meta wasn't even the first one to do that, that day. EVRYN Yes, but Marie has prosopagnosia. DREPANON So do I! That's no excuse! I can tell myself apart from Usagi! SERLEINA I mean, of course YOU can. MARIGOLD If it makes you feel any better, some people mistook me for Meta. CINNAMON Wait, who was Meta dressed as, again? EPIPHANY [Himself.] EVRYN He's Guvna! CINNAMON Who? EVRYN ... Governor Ratcliffe, from the animated Pocahontas? We did that song? EPIPHANY [As I said.] ANITA If you have a legitimate point, I would just love to hear it. YALI K, dinner, slut, are you gonna blow me or keep wasting my time? DREPANON swings the broom around and finally catches Yali, impaling his ass on it and then carrying him around triumphantly! SERLEINA Jeez, took you long enough. EPIPHANY, eyes closed [I'm not legally allowed to see this.] ANITA I mean, what's to stop you from just walking away if I'm supposedly "wasting your time"? DREPANON ...the fact that I'm carrying him away on a pike, maybe? ANITA U mad, bro? U MAD? YALI, with blood trickling down his mouth Well, what's stopping YOU from walking away? EPIPHANY, eyes still closed [Last wordism?] ANITA Because it's fun to try and annoy the shit out of you before you finally get sick of it and LEAVE ME, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE! AKUMA, unironically You are so pathetic. ANITA I mean, I need more content for-- (The screen goes all staticky and fades out again.) [LIGHTS OUT] MARIE, hopefully Is that the end of the episode? YALI No-- MARIE Awww. [LIGHTS ON] BILL THE CAMERA GUY I have got to replace that seventeen-year-old camera... Warranty's out and everything. TOKIOMI It seems like rubbish to me. I've got cameras that are older than I am that are still working perfectly. BILL ... I have the feeling I can't ask you to bring them-- OVD NO. YALI, from the ceiling. Can I talk now? EPIPHANY [We would prefer you didn't.] OVD Let him finish. YALI, to Anita No wonder you're unemployed. EVRYN What? You don't think she talks that way to prospective employers, do you? EPIPHANY [How does that follow?] ANITA Actually, I just got hired today. So as of next week, that won't be the case! but you're looking at the new sales associate of Gap Outlet! YALI Hired for what? Low class street prostitute? EVRYN That's not-- Erm... SUDDENLY, PIMP KING DADDY CLAUS! PIMP KING DADDY CLAUS That's not really something you get "hired" for so much as something you just "do". I mean, there are ways you COULD apply for it, or get recruited into it, but either way, that comment doesn't stand up well under scrutiny. EVRYN Also, she literally just said "sales associate of Gap Outlet." ANITA Bless your heart, sweet pea. YALI K, night. ANITA BYYYYYEEEEEEEEE YALI Can someone call the ambulance now? OVD No need, you'll be dead in like two minutes, and as neither you nor Anita have contracts with us, that's not my problem. DREPANON Come with me, Yali. You're to be my new plaything, little pet. EPIPHANY zaps Drepanon. EPIPHANY [You disgust me.] DREPANON Why thank you. DREPANON drags Yali off-stage. SERLEINA I think we need to replace his dagger. It's working at, like, AOL dialup speed. |
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11:30 AM Jul 11