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Anita drama 1
Topic Started: Jan 14 2018, 03:57 AM (3 Views)
Bloody Death Bagel
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SPARTA!
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
NEXT "ADD MORE" DRAMA

ANITA
Hi, Yali.

YALI
Hi, Anita.

ANITA
How's your night been going?

YALI
Just got off from work. How's yours?

ANITA
Just getting out, meeting new people.

YALI
What do you look for here?

ANITA
I'm looking to meet new people and date around. If I meet someone who meets my standards, possibly a friend with benefits. But I refuse to hop into bed with a guy until at least five dates have happpened. If that's not for you, feel free to move on now.

YALI
It's not that, it's just cause I move around the USA until I'll leave to my country. So after Christmas, I'll probably not be in California, so I can't really have a serious relationship.

EVRYN
Well, you've already ruled yourself out, so you might as well leave now.

ANITA
Ah, I see. I mean, I'm not looking for anything long-term. Mainly because I've given up on finding someone who will love me and not abandon me. And that's just my policy on having sex with guys I meet here. It's how I deter the ones just looking for a piece of ass for one night.

YALI
I never had sex here though.

EVRYN
Well not right here where everyone can see you, I would hope.

MARIE
I think he means he's never had sex in California.

ANITA
I'm not saying you have, hun, it's just my policy on it with the general population here. I never implied you have.

YALI
Did you ever fuck anyone here?

EVRYN
Yes, I'm quite certain Anita has had sex within the state of California before.

CORRI
Isn't that more her business to tell, though?

EVRYN
Whoa, who's got their hand up your bum?

EPIPHANY
[Don't ask you that she'll start describing it in painstaking detail]

(The screen suddenly goes fuzzy. Fade to black, then fade in)

CORRI
I'm sorry, you guys, I'm just not feeling like myself lately.

ANITA
I'm not going to answer that question, Yali, as that's none of your business.

MARIE
Neither are your abandonment issues.

EVRYN
And yet, here we are.

ANITA
I told you what I'm seeking from here and that's all you need to know in that regard. If you wish to know anything about me aside from that stuff, feel free to ask away.

YALI
Told you there's no point in that, cause I'll be leaving anyways.

EVRYN
Then why are you still having that conversation? Looks to me like Yali might ought to sod off now.

ANITA
Then if you don't want to know anything about me as a person or date anyone since you're leaving after Christmas, why even join up, or even get to know anyone for that matter? Your words and actions don't line up, dear.

YALI
Look, I'm not gonna have sex with you even if you wanted. But a blow job would sound good. That's bottom line.

SERLEINA, holding a crooked dagger
DARK ONE, I SUMMON THEE! MAKE THIS ASSHOLE GET THE FUCK OUT!

[SUDDENLY, DREPANON!]

DREPANON
I have GOT to start hiding that dagger better.

DREPANON picks Yali up and starts carrying him off-stage as Anita continues berating him.

ANITA
So... you just want to get off? What would I get in return? Or are your needs all that concern you?

EVRYN
That's actually a very valid line of questioning.

MARIE
Well, you know, stopped clocks.

EPIPHANY, angry marks
[Could you NOT?]

MARIE
Ah, oops. Sorry.

YALI jumps down from Drepanon's hold.

YALI
No... I'm willing to get you off as well however you would like.

EVRYN
You just said you wouldn't sleep with her even if she wanted you to, what the fuck?

MARIE
Is he quibbling about what counts as sleeping with someone?

SIGYN
NOW can I make that Clinton joke?

TOKIOMI
Sigyn, NO.

DREPANON
Can I borrow your broom?

SIGYN
I don't know, CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN you?

DREPANON
...

DREPANON is now holding Sigyn's broom.
I guess so.

SIGYN
Well, there you go, then. Wash it when you're done, if you please. I don't want "fuckboy" gunking up my bristles.

DREPANON starts chasing Yali around the set with the broom.

SERLEINA
YES!!! SNUFF OUT THE UNCLEAN! SNUFF OUT THE UNNECESSARY! SNUFF OUT THE UNAWNTED!

ANITA
I rather you buy me dinner before I consider that.

YALI
I can buy you dinner. At KFC.

ANITA
How about at Olive Garden?

YALI
Nah, I don't know you that much.

EVRYN
You don't know her well enough to buy her dinner at a mid-price sit-down restaurant, but you know her well enough to have sex with her? I'm sorry, what?

ANITA
Then tell me, dear, why should I give a random fuckboy a blow job who hasn't even done anything to deserve it?

YALI
Plus, I'm a feminist and don't believe men should be paying for women's desires.

LENA
That's not even what feminism entails. What a cheap cop-out.

MARIE
On the one hand, Anita is the kind of woman who uses men for money. On the other, if that's his price range, I see why he's not just seeking a prostitute.

EVRYN
I mean, he could probably find a cheaper prostitute on Craigslist...

SIGYN
He could find a cheaper prostitute at Job Corps.

EVRYN
Yeah, okay, but some of the girls there are underage.

SIGYN
That sounds like not my problem.

ANITA
HA! A feminist, you say?

YALI
I can go down on you in return. That's what friends-with-benefits are for, you smartass.

MARIE
If his threshold for feminism is "giving a woman oral sex", that...

MARIE waves her arms around in frustration.

MARIE
I apparently literally do not have words for that.

EVRYN
Well, as Lena said, it's basically just a copout. He doesn't want to pay for dinner, but he wants sexual favours from her and is willing to reciprocate them, but without regard to whether that's something SHE would want, when I think she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't. Whether or not she uses men for their money is... okay, not great, but--

MARIE
Not relevant to his being an asshole here.

EVRYN
Yes, because he's not aware of this behavior pattern from her.

MARIE
Yes. It's a "for all he knows" situation.

ANITA
I'm smart AND an ass!

AHRRY
... Um...

ANITA
Thanks for noticing. Listen here, honey. Since I don't think you're willing to take the time to get to know me, I'll just tell you now that I have a little something I like to call "standards".

EVRYN
If your standards are so high, ask for Red Lobster, not Olive Garden.

MARIGOLD
Gold-digging: You're doing it wrong!

DREPANON drops the broom and just stares.

SERLEINA
I think my dagger is defective. Drepanon hasn't made Yali go away yet.

MARIE
Clearly, he is unskilled in "broom-shoo."

DREPANON
I'd like a longer broom handle, actually. Like a ten-foot pole with bristles on the end.

SERLEINA
Jeez, do all Dark Ones whine this much or make this many excuses?

DREPANON
I'm a millennial, what do you expect?

SERLEINA
No you're not!

DREPANON
... I am for a demon.

SERLEINA and MARIE
That's not how it works!

DREPANON
... it is for demons.

MARIE
No, it's not.

DREPANON
Enjerus R Diffent?

EVRYN
You're not an Enzeru!

DREPANON
Oh, right.

OVD
Once again, please pick a characterization and stick with it.

DREPANON
AND ONCE AGAIN, I CAN'T COMMIT AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

MARIGOLD
Ain't that the truth...

CORRI
YOU get a lampshade! and YOU get a lampshade! EVERYBODY GETS A LAMP--

(The screen goes staticky and fades to black)
Fade in.

CORRI, holding a lampshade
Huh, I wonder where this came from.

ANITA
--and I'm not going to do anything remotely sexual with you without a proper first date.

EVRYN
And then a proper second, third, fourth, and fifth, as you said earlier.

ANITA
That "standards" thing I mentioned a second ago, you are not even close to meeting them and you want to know why?

DESMODA
Is it because he's foreign?

MARIE
What the fuck?

CORRI
What did she say? I can't hear her through her accent.

CINNAMON
She asked if Yali doesn't meet Anita's standards because Yali is foreign.

EVRYN
Maybe he's just the wrong kind of foreign?

LENA
YOU GUYS!

EVRYN
Well, it's true that some cultures do have a problematic view of American women, like, they'll automatically assume that because American women don't cover up as much as women in their locale, that American women MUST be easy.

MARIE
Okay, now I'm just getting flashbacks to my time in the Mormon church, where they basically say that women on TV who wear something a little bit revealing are asking for something terrible to happen to them.

AKUMA
Are they asking to be cast in this show, because that's probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

MARIE, dramatically!
"Alas! I just went out to have some sexual immorality and now this serial killer is making me feel so attacked!"

AKUMA, unironically
I hate it when that happens.

MARIE
"If only I had worn a shirt that covers my cleavage and shoulders, and then I wouldn't have deserved--"

SERLEINA
EXCUSE THE SHIT OUT OF MY GODDAMN FRENCH, BUT ARE YOU FUCKING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY THREATENING ME?

MARIE
No, I'm just paraphrasing what my mom REALLY means when she says that a female character "should have expected that".

SERLEINA
...

SERLEINA looks at Akuma

AKUMA
What?

SERLEINA
BEHOLD, IT IS *MY* FAULT THAT ALL THESE TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU, AKUMA! I MUST REPENT! REPENT FOR MY SINS! LORD JESUS, FORGIVE ME FOR MY WAYWARD SHOULDERS AND HAVE MERCY UPON THIS POOR UNFORTUNATE CREATURE BESIDE ME!

AN INTERCOM (that is not OVD)
Attention Earthlings: Those of you who were just praying to help heal the sick and downtrodden amongst yourselves, please start over from the beginning, because Jesus has lost track. THANKS, SERLEINA.

COLLECTIVE VOICES
THANKS, SERLEINA.

SERLEINA
Aww yiss, hijacking the world's prayers! HEY! CAN YOU GET THIS GUY OUT OF HERE? I TRIED ASKING DREPANON BUT HE'S USELESS!

DREPANON
--!

SERLEINA
GIVE HIM THE STRENGTH AND THE "BROOM-SHOO" COMPETENCE TO--

INTERCOM
Please, shut up.

EPIPHANY
[Who the fuck was that?]

OVD
Oh, that's Peter. We're golf buddies.

EPIPHANY
[That explains everything.]

YALI
Nah, I'm good.

ANITA
Well, I'll tell you anyways. You are a shit person and a self-entitled piece of shit--

EVRYN
You just used "shit" twice in the same sentence. You may want to work on that.

ANITA
--who should hop on the next flight back to whatever country you crawled out of.

MARIE
Um--

LENA
OH MY FUCKING GOD, ANITA.

MARIE
That.

YALI
Ha ha ha ha, you made me laugh so hard, thanks for the entertainment, honey.

ANITA
No problem! And yes, I HAVE had sex with men from meat markets. All were more polite and decent than your sorry ass--

AHRRY
Hey, don't drag me into this.

MARIE
You're your own sorry ass, Ahrry.

AHRRY
AHRRY NOT SORRY!

ANITA
--and they bought me a nice dinner beforehand, too. They actually earned it.

SERLEINA
NOW WAIT A MINUTE. Just because a guy buys you food don't mean you gotta put out for him.

DREPANON
What are you TALKING about?

MARIE
Drepanon, shut up. You're a rapist.

DREPANON
I don't see how my criminal record is relevant.

MARIE
You really are stupid, aren't you?

SIGYN
That's okay, he's pretty so he doesn't have to be smart.

DREPANON
Don't help me.

MARIE
He's a man, not a betta fish.

ORION
HOW DARE YOU! DREPANON IS *NOT* A BETA MALE!

CORRI
Orion, that's not-- Oh, forget it.

INTERCOM
A wise decision. Even my boss gave up on *that* man.

CINNAMON
OH, SNAP!

DREPANON
Whose side are you on?!

CINNAMON
Wait, so is that how you became a demon?

DREPANON
I-- I don't want to talk about it!

YALI
I never saw anyone taking Meat Markets seriously to the point of getting salty like you do.

EVRYN
Then you're clearly new around here.

DREPANON, still trying to push Yali off-screen with a broom
He's a one-shot wonder if I ever saw one.

SERLEINA
How are you so BAD at this?!

EVRYN
What, God literally giving up on him wasn't a clue?

SERLEINA
Ha, no, I knew that, I was just trying to get someone to reiterate it. Man, I can't believe it. How bad of a person do you have to be that GOD ACTUALLY GIVES UP ON YOU?

OVD
Please don't send the entire production team to Hell, Serleina.

SERLEINA
I DO WHAT I WANT!

MARIE
Already boycotting Heaven to protest the institution of Hell.

OVD
Aaaand cue the concern-trolling evangelist letters...

LENA
Hey, if there's any concern-trolling to be done around here, I think I've got a pretty good handle on it!

MARIE
We've noticed.

ANITA
By the way, I think I know why you have yet to have sex here with anyone.

EVRYN
Besides the fact that he's a tourist? I mean, I don't fuck someone in every new place I visit.

DREPANON
Really? Why NOT?

EVRYN
I'm glad you asked. Okay so, firstly, I'm FIFTEEN.

DREPANON
...and?

EVRYN
... I'm going to stand on *this* side of the room.

EPIPHANY
[Do you want me to get an Adult for you?]

EVRYN
No, I've got Serleina, thanks.

ANITA
No woman wants to put up with your incessant thinking.

EVRYN
Actually, it seems thinking is the opposite of what Yali is doing. Or if he is thinking, he's not doing a very good job of it.

ANITA
Why do you think I only see men here as meal tickets?

CINNAMON
Jeez, you don't have to just outright admit it like that and ruin it for the rest of us...

ANITA
I'll let them treat me to a nice meal, then bail if I don't want to sleep with them. Simple as that.

CINNAMON
...never mind, that doesn't paint you in the best light and I don't really want to get lumped in with you, so... yeah, forget I said anything.

ANITA
I would have done the same with you too, dear.

MARIE
But you're just too cheap to shell out to Olive Garden.

SIGYN
You know, I'm really grateful that the friends who take me out to eat don't expect me to fuck them afterwards. Just saying.

TOKIOMI
I'm sure you wouldn't need the prompting.

SIGYN
Epiphany, do you think I could put in a request for a new Adult? I think mine's broken.

EPIPHANY
[Can you wait until we're on the Lexaeuses?]

SIGYN
Why?

EPIPHANY
[Because if the Adults file a sexual harassment claim against you, I will get in trouble.]

TOKIOMI
Point proven, thank you, Doctor.

YALI
So basically, you're calling yourself a meal whore.

SERLEINA
Hey, what's wrong with that? Some of the best sex I've ever had was gratitude sex for free food. But that's just my personal style, you know, not everyone's gotta go and COPY ME!

ANITA
Better than a man whore!

[enter META]

META
DIIIIIIIIIIIID SOMEBODY SAY "MAN WHORE"?

SERLEINA
Why didn't you show up earlier when somebody said "gold digger"?

META
Well, Marigold was already here, so..

YALI
You're freaking lame.

META
Can you wait more than ten seconds after I enter to start insulting me, please?

MARIE
No. Please leave.

LENA
Can you at least use less ableist insults?

SERLEINA
WELL YOU SEE, HE WOULD, EXCEPT THAT HE'S RIGHT. Meta and his arguments really don't have a LEG TO STAND ON!

OVD
Serleina, once again, I must ask you to refrain from sending the entire production team to Hell.

SERLEINA
Well jeez, it sounds like most of them are going there voluntarily anyway!

SIGYN
I can't go.

SERLEINA
Why?

SIGYN
Because I'm pretty sure by the time I'm dead, the paperwork for the restraining order Drepanon has PROBABLY filed against me will have been accepted by the court.

DREPANON
No, you're good. I'm too cheap to file a restraining order. I just cause them to file one against me, instead!

SIGYN
You... know that's not going to work with me... right?

SIGYN and CINNAMON high-five.

MARIE
Can we get back to the two shitty people fighting because they don't want to fuck each other?

CORRI
WE'RE GOING TO DO ONE OF *MY* SCRIPTS? YAY!

MARIE
I need to go lie down.

[stagequit MARIE]

ANITA
And your face is generic.

EPIPHANY
[Did she just imply that all people of a particular ethnicity look the same?]

DREPANON
Cry more, Epiphany. It's not as bad as on Halloween when NONE OF YOU FUCKERS COULD TELL ME APART FROM SIGYN, USAGI, CIN, OR *FUCKING SERLEINA*.

SERLEINA
Hey, Meta not being able to tell you and me apart was plausible.

CINNAMON
And Marie confused Drepanon and Usagi, too, so Meta wasn't even the first one to do that, that day.

EVRYN
Yes, but Marie has prosopagnosia.

DREPANON
So do I! That's no excuse! I can tell myself apart from Usagi!

SERLEINA
I mean, of course YOU can.

MARIGOLD
If it makes you feel any better, some people mistook me for Meta.

CINNAMON
Wait, who was Meta dressed as, again?

EPIPHANY
[Himself.]

EVRYN
He's Guvna!

CINNAMON
Who?

EVRYN
... Governor Ratcliffe, from the animated Pocahontas? We did that song?

EPIPHANY
[As I said.]

ANITA
If you have a legitimate point, I would just love to hear it.

YALI
K, dinner, slut, are you gonna blow me or keep wasting my time?

DREPANON swings the broom around and finally catches Yali, impaling his ass on it and then carrying him around triumphantly!

SERLEINA
Jeez, took you long enough.

EPIPHANY, eyes closed
[I'm not legally allowed to see this.]

ANITA
I mean, what's to stop you from just walking away if I'm supposedly "wasting your time"?

DREPANON
...the fact that I'm carrying him away on a pike, maybe?

ANITA
U mad, bro? U MAD?

YALI, with blood trickling down his mouth
Well, what's stopping YOU from walking away?

EPIPHANY, eyes still closed
[Last wordism?]

ANITA
Because it's fun to try and annoy the shit out of you before you finally get sick of it and LEAVE ME, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!

AKUMA, unironically
You are so pathetic.

ANITA
I mean, I need more content for--

(The screen goes all staticky and fades out again.)

[LIGHTS OUT]

MARIE, hopefully
Is that the end of the episode?

YALI
No--

MARIE
Awww.

[LIGHTS ON]

BILL THE CAMERA GUY
I have got to replace that seventeen-year-old camera... Warranty's out and everything.

TOKIOMI
It seems like rubbish to me. I've got cameras that are older than I am that are still working perfectly.

BILL
... I have the feeling I can't ask you to bring them--

OVD
NO.

YALI, from the ceiling.
Can I talk now?

EPIPHANY
[We would prefer you didn't.]

OVD
Let him finish.

YALI, to Anita
No wonder you're unemployed.

EVRYN
What? You don't think she talks that way to prospective employers, do you?

EPIPHANY
[How does that follow?]

ANITA
Actually, I just got hired today. So as of next week, that won't be the case! but you're looking at the new sales associate of Gap Outlet!

YALI
Hired for what? Low class street prostitute?

EVRYN
That's not-- Erm...

SUDDENLY, PIMP KING DADDY CLAUS!

PIMP KING DADDY CLAUS
That's not really something you get "hired" for so much as something you just "do". I mean, there are ways you COULD apply for it, or get recruited into it, but either way, that comment doesn't stand up well under scrutiny.

EVRYN
Also, she literally just said "sales associate of Gap Outlet."

ANITA
Bless your heart, sweet pea.

YALI
K, night.

ANITA
BYYYYYEEEEEEEEE

YALI
Can someone call the ambulance now?

OVD
No need, you'll be dead in like two minutes, and as neither you nor Anita have contracts with us, that's not my problem.

DREPANON
Come with me, Yali. You're to be my new plaything, little pet.

EPIPHANY zaps Drepanon.

EPIPHANY
[You disgust me.]

DREPANON
Why thank you.

DREPANON drags Yali off-stage.

SERLEINA
I think we need to replace his dagger. It's working at, like, AOL dialup speed.
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