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24 July 08; Pure Speculation
Topic Started: Jun 21 2017, 04:50 PM (33 Views)
Devilkitty McDeathydoom
Lottery
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
SOMETIME IN THE SUMMER OF 2008

AKUMA
Guys, I'm getting a phone call. It's... wow that's weird, it's from EPS.

OVD
What? Send it to voicemail, we've got a show to do! Why isn't the audience here yet?

AKUMA, still in her weird phone holding pose
Mushy mushy?

SIGYN'S VOICE
Um... Moist?

AKUMA
Oh. Hey, OVD, it's the Audience. Or half of it, anyway.

OVD
What. The fuck.

AKUMA
OVD says "What the fuck?"

SIGYN
Yes, I heard. Yeah, so, I'm in emergency psychiatric. It's a long story, but basically Drepanon sent me back to school and then my brain wouldn't work when I woke up this morning and now I'm... here.

SERLEINA
What even happened, was it like...?

Quote:
 
- in the car ride -
SIGYN
So would it bother you if I started masturbating?

DREPANON slams on the brakes
WHAT.


SIGYN
What? No! I mean, I can see why you'd think that, but no, Serleina, who would ever--!

SERLEINA
I'm just checking because that's what happened to me.

EPIPHANY
[And literally no-one was surprised.]

SERLEINA
Well, fine, then, Doc, what do YOU think happened?

Quote:
 
SIGYN
You... you're talking to Meta? HOW DARE YOU!
*stabbity stabbity stab stab stab*
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'LL SET YOU ON FIRE JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE!

STOKER RAE is now on fire.

SIGYN
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!


USAGI
No, that's silly. It must have gone more like this!

Quote:
 
SIGYN
Come on, boy! Come on! Who's a good boy?

META, wearing a collar and leash
Warf.


EPIPHANY zaps Usagi.

USAGI
Was that necessary?!

ILLYBRIUS
Yeah, Epiphany, she's not ME.

USAGI
Fine then. YOU tell us what happened.

ILLYBRIUS
Well....

Quote:
 
SIGYN, sitting in Drepanon's lap
So do we really need to order dinner, or will you just be eating--


CINNAMON
Whoa, no, I, uh, I doubt that happened. Ever at all. It was probably something more like...

Quote:
 
SIGYN is in a "Draw me like one of your French girls" pose in Drepanon's tent, naked, proffering a goblet.
Now that we've had dinner, I thought you might be up for a night cap. Won't you try my special potion?


EVRYN
Wait, wait, why is everyone assuming that she was just hitting on Drepanon or stabbing a twelve year old girl? Since she was there with her boyfriend, it probably went a little more like...

Quote:
 
SIGYN and META are making out by the gift shop.

DREPANON
People are staring.

SIGYN pushes Drepanon away
FUCK OFF, OLD MAN!


CORRI
No, that's something YOU would do. It was most likely...

SERLEINA
TRIGGER WARNING!

CORRI
Hey, you didn't let me--

REIYA
We all know what your guess is going to be about.

CORRI
Well if I'm so predictable then just go right ahead, Reiya.

REIYA
Okay!

Quote:
 
DREPANON and META are both bound and gagged, and SIGYN has one feather in each hand and is running a feather down each of their bare chests.

SIGYN
And now, there's nothing you can do to stop me from using the both of you for my pleasure.


CORRI
That's not at all what I was thinking, but go on! You have my undivided attention.

EPIPHANY
[Please don't.]

CORRI
What I was THINKING was...

Quote:
 
MARIGOLD and SIGYN run into each other. SIGYN knocks MARIGOLD over. They both fall, and then SIGYN "accidentally" grabs MARIGOLD'S breast as she lands.

MARIGOLD
NYAAAAAAAAAAAA, BAKA!

SIGYN, with a river of blood gushing out of her nose
*stares at her hand in disbelief and squeezes a little*

MARIGOLD slaps Sigyn
P-pervert, nya!


SIGYN
Um, Corri? Can I ask you something?

CORRI
Of course. Anything.

SIGYN
What show do YOU think you're on?

CORRI
We're on a harem anime, of course!

SIGYN
Um... that... no, not even a little bit-- well, okay, sort of a little bit. I mean, there was a boob involved.

ORION
Now, now, everyone, enough with your silly guesses. You may think you know our dear Audience very well. However, I can tell you with the utmost certainty what actually happened.

scene occurs with Orion singing "I'm Too Sexy" in the background.
 

SIGYN
Oh, no, there's jam on my top! Whatever shall I do?

SIGYN does a slow strip tease.


SIGYN
HOWEVER, shut the fuck up, it wasn't like that. It-- it was an accident.

VAAN
VELLO, MORTALS!

AKUMA
That's what this scene needed. *sniffle* More Vaan.

VAAN
Yes, I quite agree. If the girl says it was an accident, "voo" should believe her. I "vully" believe that it was not an intentional strip tease. VOWEVER--

CINNAMON
Oh, great, you've combined the two most annoying verbal tics on the show.

ORION
Hey, don't steal my word, vampire!

VAAN
I didn't. I merely GLORIFIED it! Now "vaz" I was saying...

CALEB
DOT! DOT! DOT!

VAAN
Silence, fool, it isn't your time yet!

CALEB
Awww.

VAAN
It "vent" a "vittle" something like "vis".

Quote:
 
A CETE OF BADGERS runs out of Meta's and Sigyn's tent with her clothes. SIGYN chases after them, not bothering to cover up.

SIGYN
Get back here with my clothes, you filthy pervert badgers!


SERLEINA
Badgers. In the Redwoods. Vaan, there's no point asking this as a yes or no question, but precisely how-- shut up Lena-- mentally deficient ARE you?

VAAN
... Ves. VOWEVER, I was bitten by a badger in the Redwoods. On the arm.

EVERYONE looks at Illybrius.

ILLYBRIUS
What?

CORRI
Well, you are Mr. Arm Eating God Thingy.

ILLYBRIUS
Have I ever told you how much I hate that title?

CALEB
ANYWAY guys, you're all being ridiculous. It was probably something very simple. More like...

Quote:
 
SIGYN, one boob out of her shirt, as the camera pans up her "sparkling" body (basically as dramatic as possible)
Oh no, my nipple has slipped! What a horrible, unforeseen circumstance!

DREPANON
*staaaaaaare*

META
So are you going to put your strap back on, or...?


SIGYN
Ugh, it-- Wait. Actually, close enough. That did happen. But that's not why I'm here. At least, I hope that's not why I'm here.

CALEB
So he didn't kick you out from seeing your nipple? I would have. Girl nipples are gross.

SIGYN
YOUR FACE IS GROSS!

DURAL
I return triumphantly from polishing Charon's foot armor to tell you all what I think happened!

AKUMA
NYAAAH, HE'S GOING TO EEEAAAT MEEEEE

SERLEINA
There's no need to announce it right now.

DURAL
SHUT UP, WHORE!

REIYA
Rude.

DURAL
THIS is what ACTUALLY happened to get her kicked out!

Quote:
 
SIGYN walks in on Drepanon and Meta doing the do in one of the tents.
Oh my effing Tree.


CORRI
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

SIGYN
NO! IT DOESN'T! What is WRONG with you... uh... Male Corri!

DURAL
It's Dural! You don't remember me?

SIGYN
You were a one-shot filler villain! Why would I remember you?

DURAL
Because I was the FIRST one-shot filler villain! I originated the grand tradition of threadbare Corri Sock villains!

SIGYN
TRUST me, that-- what you came up with-- wouldn't be an issue. You'd know that if you'd watched the show after you were written out!

AHRRY THE RANDOM TALKING DONKEY
You know what WOULD be an issue?

Quote:
 
SIGYN
I have stolen the last crack-dusted Pop Tart! Now no one can stop me! Muahahahaha!

STOKER RAE
But what will I eat for breakfast?

SIGYN
EAT MY DUST! THE COCAINE DUST!!! GEDDIT? GEDDIT? MUAHAHAHAHA!


SIGYN
I don't even do cocaine!

AHRRY
Sure. We know. Wink, wink. Geddit? I said wink, because you can't see me winking, because we're on the phone!

OVD
It was obviously something much more mundane.

Quote:
 
SIGYN, with a shopping cart full of gold and treasure
Will you buy this for me?


SIGYN
Um... yeah, I just really don't think Meta and I would have ever gotten together if I was interested in money and material crap.

OVD
And where is Meta now? You know, in relation to where you are?

SIGYN
...

OVD
Exactly.

SEI-SEI
You're all being stupid, and you should feel stupid. Clearly, she had to do something completely monstrous, closer to what Ahrry suggested, but a little more like...

Quote:
 
SIGYN
MUAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE WASTED ALL THE FOOD!!!! NOW STARVE, PEASANTS!


SIGYN
If I was going to do that, I would done it at Job Corps. Honestly...

SEI-SEI
Ohkayyyy.

FENNEL
She's right, we need to be more realistic.

Quote:
 
SIGYN
ARISE, MY MINIONS!

An army of small forest critters with red eyes appears.

SIGYN
WE ATTACK AT DUSK!

SMALL FOREST CRITTERS leap at the camera

SIGYN
No, wait, I said DUSK.

SMALL FOREST CRITTERS don't give a fuuuck

SIGYN
Shit. DREPANON! SOMETHING TERRIBLE AND UNFORESEEN HAS HAPPENED!


ENON
That was terrifying.

FENNEL
Teehee~

ENON
... No. Just, no.

DESMODA
Well, I was going to make a guess, but since you're here, what do you think happened?

ENON
It's like everyone's been saying, it must have been an extreme breach of etiquette.

Quote:
 
SIGYN
I peed in all the sleeping bags, so now they all belong to me.


CORRI
Are we all entirely sure Drepanon's not into that?

CINNAMON
Um. YOU would know, Corri.

CORRI
What makes you say that?

DESMODA
This is all unnecessarily overwrought. I can tell you, easily, what happened. There were five people in that group, correct? Drepanon, Metacirn, Marigold, Stoker Rae, and Sigyn. Assuming they didn't plan to camp out the entire time, Drepanon would have wanted to get a motel room. Motel rooms that will accommodate five people are not exactly inexpensive, and then there's the question of who would sleep two to a bed. It would have been far too complicated with her there, so Drepanon probably had her sent back to school for practicality purposes.

OVD
Come to think of it, that DOES make the most sense.

ILLYBRIUS
And it's not like she would let Meta get much time with his family. She would want him all to herself.

CIN
But on the other hand, she wouldn't want charges brought against her for attempting to kill one or more of them with that many witnesses.

FENNEL
And a twelve-year-old girl who would probably be traumatized by such an event.

SIGYN
Oh... I thought I had just been too much of a burden.

ORION
You probably were that, too.

SIGYN
Anyway, I've already spent too long on the phone and I need to obsessively call Stoker Rae and see if I can get ahold of Meta.
*hangs up*
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