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| 22 July 08 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 4 2017, 12:11 AM (8 Views) | |
| Bloody Death Bagel | Nov 4 2017, 12:11 AM Post #1 |
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SPARTA!
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22 July 2008 | Tuesday | Cinnamon My Love I can't remember what I did Friday. Saturday Roger visited me and we took the CalTrain to San Francisco. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to go to Chinatown. Oh yes, now I remember Friday. I went to Know Knew Books in Palo Alto and bought the figurines I'd been coveting. Then I got a SlimFast and water at the Corner Store, gave the rest of my money to a demon-plagued homeless woman with two children to raise, and went home. Well, I'd been on my way home when I met Rene on the bus. Sunday I had Bastion over-- we traded hats and discovered a nightclub by Lee's Sandwiches, watched the Cruel Intentions movies, and I spoiled him with food. We also fought, but that's not new. Yesterday I almost dumped him over a phone call, but came to my senses soon enough. I'd rather not be the same fool I was two years ago, thank you, the girl whose insecurity led her to push away the woman she loved then settled (however passionately) for the first person thereafter to make her an offer. On the subject, Ash called Saturday. Next time I'll request that he not speak of love to me, especially of me, or of us. It was difficult enough telling him that I am now engaged to Bastion, and plan to stay married to him. Somehow Ash seemed surprised that I prefer-- will prefer?-- to stay married to Bastion. Being mated to Ash under his religion is more than sufficient for me. "But how do you plan to be with Bliu if you're married to Bastion?" EVRYN Wait, ASH asked that? Mr. "Monogamy is Unrealistic"? CIN Oh yes, and marrying Ash would be so much better. Lenore cut contact with Ash as well, and I know that Bliu is fully aware of Ash's situation, though Lenore undoubtedly warped the tale to give Ash a more villainous role. Talented girl. EVRYN Erm, no, I don't think that's what happened. I think Ash is plenty villainous on his own, and Lenore didn't exaggerate shit. CIN Either way, both Bastion and I must marry to fill out certain parts of FAFSA request forms, and 'twould be illogical to marry any but each other. EVRYN ERM, no, no, I think that's a bloody awful reason to get married. I think Bastion should stay unmarried for the rest of his life. CIN 'Twas also difficult to inform Ash that we'd be going directly to MA. "Well, you can stay in MO with my mom until you can afford--" While money is an issue, it is not the only issue. I'll get to the others later, but now… SIGYN Ha, yeah, you REALLY want to stay with your handfast's PARENTS. That could never go wrong ever. CIN It doesn't matter what the issues at hand are because he'll try to poke holes in all of them, even though he has no idea what is going on. Foolish, desperate man who has mistaken enduring company for love. He speaks as if he knows life, but how can a man who cannot love possibly understand the true meaning of life? Perhaps it differs from person to person. To me, its two basest elements are experience and love, one of which is almost useless without the other and the other of which is supplemented and enriched by the one. Ash has told me himself that he is incapable of unconditional love. It seems to me that if one's "love" is conditional, 'tis not love at all, but they are merely using the person. Besides which, any person who must be in a master/slave relationship to be in one at all… EVRYN And he can't even do *that* right, really. CIN At times I thought he may be healed by love, but 'tis not mine that can heal him. My distaste, sadly, has overpowered the love I once had, or thought I had. Perhaps it was merely passion. Either way, if I don't let him call me every so often, he'll think I've abandoned him. I will not allow myself to become another excuse for a bitter man's hatefulness. Cowardice it may be, but I'd rather not become a target. He may say that I think I'm too good for him, which is quite possibly how I feel (I do not know my own heart), but whether it is or not, I am simply not the right person for him. Besides which, his gross neediness and petulant cockiness are off-putting. Bastion is a gentle soul, understanding and supportive of my quest to find Bliu. EVRYN You're not a very good judge of character, are you? CIN He's a better person than I am and I wonder if I deserve him, but he does love me for whatever reason and I'd be a fool to turn my back on that. EVRYN Really, really not a good judge of character. CIN It is only necessary for Bliu to see nouveau me, who I am Becoming, who I will have Become. Bliu has expressed that he would like to join the Peace Corps after he gets his BA in webpage design. This would be his junior or senior year of college, so I don't have time to dawdle in MO. I need to see him, for him to see me, while we are still young, while he is still innocent. Besides, it might be easier to get a record deal on the East Coast. … I resent that people under the age of legal "adulthood" are referred to as minors (vs. majors) and legally as "infants." Age is a number and does not necessarily relate to experience. EVRYN Did Ash convince you of that? CIN Merely because of a number, certain of us are not afforded the rights we would have if our age was a few numbers higher, or even just one or two. An 18th birthday did not magically transform anyone I know into a Mature Being… the law should consider this, but will not because it is blind and loves to stereotype. EVRYN This is painful to listen to. CIN My heart.. why should it pain me during Formation of Contracts? I remembered Bliu, but why? Savor… savor the pain for a moment. Remember, then 'tis business as usual. And before I become even more corrupt. |
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11:01 AM Jul 11