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The Death Game (WIP)
Topic Started: Dec 8 2017, 04:49 PM (15 Views)
Bloody Death Bagel
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SPARTA!
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
(Puzzle: A woman who lives alone is impregnated by Zeus in the form of an olive tree, and dies five months later because the baby was too heavy and an old rope bridge she crossed every day gave out under her.)

JEPH
[A woman sleeps under a tree. Five months later, she dies on her way to town.]

EPIPHANY
[Now you need to guess how she died by asking yes-or-no questions.]

DESMODA
Does the tree contain an allergen?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

TOKIOMI
Am I going to lose custody of my niece by letting her learn the answer?

OVD
If you hadn't already, what makes you think you would NOW?

EPIPHANY
[That's between you and your social worker.]

TOKIOMI
I don't have a social worker anymore. Haven't needed one in years, until maybe now.

SIGYN
Is the scenario at all intuitive?

EPIPHANY
[Of course not.]

CINNAMON
Does the tree fall on her?

DREPANON
Is she a dendrophiliac?

EVRYN
Is it a tree she normally passes to and from town?

EPIPHANY
[No, no, and no.]

CORRI
Does she die from a splinter?

EPIPHANY
[No, this isn't Slee]
[Well, actually... Metaphorically, yes?]

CONNY
Is the splinter a metaphor for tetanus?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

SERLEINA
Did she catch a disease from the area where she slept?

EPIPHANY hesitates
[No.]

EVRYN
Did she get something else from where she slept that caused her death?

EPIPHANY grins
[Yes!]

SIGYN
Was it a tapeworm?

TOKIOMI, sim.
Was it a parasite?

EPIPHANY
[Not a tapeworm. Define "parasite".]

TOKIOMI
... Was it a living thing that feeds off another living thing, causes harm to it, and that a medical doctor would advise the removal of?

EPIPHANY thinks
[Then probably no.]

EVRYN
You hesitated again. Did it fit at least one criterion but not all of them?

EPIPHANY
[Yes.]

CINNAMON
Were any of the criteria debatable? I'm taking philosophy so I have to ask.

EPIPHANY
[There was at least one debatable criterion.]

SIGYN
Was it mistletoe?

SERLEINA
How the fuck would mistletoe kill her five months later?

EPIPHANY
[Not mistletoe.]

META
Was it marriage?

SERLEINA
WAS IT AN IMMATURE FREELOADING PIECE OF SHIT LIKE MY COUSIN?

EPIPHANY
[She did not marry.]
[I don't know how to answer Serleina's question.]

SERLEINA
Heck yeck, I broke the game!

AKUMA
WAS IT A FUHTOOSIS?!

META
How the fuck would she get that from a TREE?!

EPIPHANY
[Yes, it was a foetus.]

META
Wait, WHAT?

EPIPHANY
[That's not a yes-or-no question.]

CORRI
Um, was there another person involved?

DESMODA
Of COURSE there-- ugh.

EPIPHANY
[A person who is not the woman or the foetus?]

META
Don't be silly, women and fetuses aren't people!

CIN
Why don't you fuck off?

CORRI
Yes. To Epiphany's question.

EPIPHANY
[Yes.]

ORION
So she didn't impregnate herself.

META
Was there a man under the tree?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

META
What the fuck?

EPIPHANY
[That's not a yes-or-no question.]

USAGI
Was the other person, um... Was the other person there when she woke up?

EPIPHANY
[Presumably yes?]

USAGI
Okay so at the beginning of the series, you said, uh, you said "person" included more than just humans, with your buzzer tool. Was the other person human?

EPIPHANY
[The other person was not human.]

ROSEMARY
Were they an orange?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

ILLYBRIUS
Was the nonhuman acquainted with the woman previously?

EPIPHANY
[Define "acquainted".]

ILLYBRIUS
Seriously? I don't know, had she ever come into contact with him before?

LENA
Was it even a "him"?

EPIPHANY
[Then no, and yes.]

CIN AND SIGYN
WAS HE STALKING HER?!

EPIPHANY
[... I'm gonna go with "not relevant to the outcome".]

ORION
Did someone kill her for her baby?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

DREPANON
Was the man hiding in the tree?

EPIPHANY
[... Define "hiding in the tree."]

DREPANON
Are you s-- Did he climb into the fucking tree and hide, is what that means.

EPIPHANY
[Then no.]

DREPANON
What else could it--

SERLEINA
THAT'S NOT A YES OR NO QUESTION!!!

AKUMA
Did she die from a process relevant to removing the fuhtoosis?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

AKUMA
Did she die from miscarriage?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

DESMODA, frowning
Is the man a shape-shifter?

EPIPHANY, grinning
[Yes!]

AKUMA
Did the fuhtoosis shape-shift inside her and then she died?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

META
Wait so-- did the *tree* get her pregnant?

CORRI
Don't be stupid, Meta.

EPIPHANY
[Wow you got one right for once. Yes.]

CORRI
Oh.

AKUMA
Did she die from any kind of internal complication regarding the fuhtoosis?

CIN
Did the baby, like, burst out of her stomach like the rabbits in Pet Shop of Horrors and then just like instantly kill her?

DREPANON
Wow, Cin. No, she probably died because of something on her way to town.

EPIPHANY
[No internal complications from having a foetus killed her, not even chestburster style.]

DREPANON
Did she live far from town?

ORION
Did people coming the other way see her big belly and start throwing stuff at it that caused her to die?

CORRI
Did she trip, fall on her stomach, and die?

TOKIOMI
Did she get hit by a vehicle on her way to town?

EPIPHANY
[Yes, she lived far from town. No for the rest.]

CIN
Did she take public transport?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

DREPANON
Did she get in a car accident?

SIGYN
Did she even DRIVE?

EPIPHANY
[No and no.]

CONNY
Did she take a moped?

EVRYN
Pregnant girls don't ride mopeds.

CONNY
But Epiphany said it would be non-intuitive.

EPIPHANY
[Okay, you're on the wrong track with the vehicles.]

META
Did she get side-tracked and fall off a cliff?

EPIPHANY
[No, she did not wander off a cliff, you knucklehead.]

SIGYN
Was she shot?

EPIPHANY
[No.]

DESMODA
Did she drown?

CORRI
We don't even know if she has to cross water.

CIN
Good point. Does she have to cross water to get to town?

EPIPHANY
[She has to cross water to get to town. It doesn't specify a precise cause of death, but drowning is highly plausible.]

CIN
Okay so we know vehicles aren't involved. Does she, like, swim into town?

EPIPHANY
[She does not swim to town.]

CORRI
Well I'm beat.

DREPANON
I give up as well.

CONNY
Yeah, too hard.

DESMODA
WAIT. Was the tree Zeus?

EPIPHANY
[The tree was Zeus.]

DESMODA
Okay, I think I got it. So, Zeus disguised himself as a tree and then impregnated the woman, and so five months later, on her way into town, Hera finds out about the pregnancy and kills her.

EPIPHANY
[Yeah, it was probably Hera. The way she died is pretty stupid otherwise.]
[Care to guess the MO?]

DESMODA
Tried to kidnap her but dropped her while passing water?

EPIPHANY
[Nope.]

EVRYN
No, she said PROBABLY Hera and PROBABLY drowning, not explicitly those things.

TOKIOMI
She crosses water on her way to town, but not by vehicle or swimming... Does she wade?

EPIPHANY
[She does not wade.]

CIN
Does, like, an alligator come out of the water and swallow her, killing her instantly?

EPIPHANY
[That would have been cool, but no.]

DREPANON
How would her pregnancy factor into that?

EVRYN
Was it a totetsu? They like foetuses.

DESMODA
Was it a vampire attack?

EPIPHANY
[It was neither of those.]

TOKIOMI
... The only other way I can think of is for her to cross a bridge. Is that right?

EPIPHANY, grinning
[Yes!]

SIGYN
You're shitting us.

EPIPHANY
[I told you it's stupid.]

SIGYN
So yoiu really expect us to believe that this woman sleeps under a tree that JUST HAPPENS to be Zeus and then he impregnates her--

CORRI
That's hot.

SIGYN
And FIVE MONTHS LATER, she dies from, what, failing to cross a fucking BRIDGE properly on her way to town?

EPIPHANY
[It's specifically an old rope bridge that collapses out from under her due to the extra weight from the pregnancy.]

SIGYN
...

[ragequit SIGYN]

CORRI flips a table.

[ragequit CORRI]

EPIPHANY
[... I guess we're skipping Corri's turn, then!]

TOKIOMI
I need a break from this shit, too.

[stagequit TOKIOMI]

(followed by a stream of people leaving one by one until it's just Epiphany, Evryn, and Cinnamon.)

EPIPHANY
[Maybe this wasn't the best game to bring...]

CIN
Oh no, I love it. It's a refreshing change.

EVRYN
Drepanon, specifically, is probably just hangry.

(After a few minutes, everyone enters, plus some new folks.)

SERLEINA
HEY HEY EVERYBODY, I BROUGHT VERN!

EPIPHANY, smiling
[Hi Averna! No peeking.]

AVERNA, IN SERLEINA
That was one time and no-one would have guessed it in a million years.

CIN
Most people won't guess most of these in a million years. I'm pretty sure it's jsut a fluke that the audience worked this one out.

CORRI
If I'm not much mistaken, it's my turn next. "A man takes a bite of soup and then dies." Hold on...
-
No WAY! This one's great.

AVERNA
Okay it's not gonna be poison, so to get it out of the way: Was he poisoned?

CORRI
Nope!

AVERNA
Homicide?

CORRI
No.

EPIPHANY
[Was it an accident?]

CORRI
Uhh, no.

TOKIOMI
That leaves suicide or natural causes.

AKUMA
Was it suicide?

CIN
Was there something sharp in the soup?

CORRI
Yes, Akuma. No, Cin.

TOKIOMI, voice wavering
Was it assisted suicide?

CORRI
I... don't know.

EPIPHANY
[Was there something wrong with the soup?]

CORRI
I don't think so.

TOKIOMI, quietly
I'm not sure I can play this round.

CIN, impatiently
Can you maybe not be a killjoy?

SIGYN
BACK OFF.

EVRYN
Right, well, we'll let them sort that. Averna, is there anyone else you could borrow? I think Tokiomi might need Serleina.

TOKIOMI
No. I'd like to be alone.

[exit TOKIOMI, with no unsound.]

CORRI
ANYWAY,

CIN
Right! Okay so, was the man already dying?

CORRI
Doesn't say.

AVERNA
Was he already suicidal?

CORRI
Not that I can tell.

EPIPHANY
[Does how he died matter to the puzzle?]

CORRI
That's a matter of perspective.

CIN
Was he triggered like that weakling that just--

SIGYN
I TOLD YOU TO BACK THE FUCK OFF!

CIN
Dude--

SIGYN, armored up and holding crossbow
Last warning.

CORRI
You *could* say that.

SIGYN
Don't start with me, Corri.

CORRI
I was only answering, "Was he triggered?"

META
Was the soup made by a former lover?

DREPANON
Does it even matter who made the soup?

CORRI
No, and no!

EVRYN
So, Epi already said there's nothing wrong with the soup, so it wasn't so bad he just killed himself, right?

CORRI
Not the way you're phrasing it, no.

AVERNA
In these puzzles, people off themselves at the drop of a hat, and if there's nothing wrong with the soup, then what's wrong is with him. Is there any curse or other magical element to the story?

CORRI
No, it's mundane as far as I can see.

DREPANON
Does the soup remind him of someone he hated?

CORRI
I can see why you would think that, if I tilt my head and squint, but I doubt it. Not EVERYONE is like-- Never mind.

SIGYN
Was it something his son used to make for him?

CORRI
In a manner of speaking.

AVERNA
So it reminded him of someone?

CORRI
Yes, Serleina.

EVRYN
Actually, that's Averna.

CORRI
Bzuh?

EVRYN
... Right. Erm, think of Serleina as Averna's temporary golem right now.

AVERNA
Yes, hi, I'm a ghost and Serleina's letting me borrow her voice.

CORRI
Out of everyone on the show, you wanted to borrow SERLEINA'S voice?

AVERNA
I'm not riding in Lil Doc's braincase. Out of everyone else here, I know Serleina the best, and Serleina's really fun!

CORRI
And we AREN'T?

CIN
Let's get back to the game! Um... Wuh- no, that's stupid. Um... Did... no... uh... shit.

EPIPHANY
Did he have relevant food allergies?

CORRI
No.

CIN
Look, it's really hard for me to think with a crossbow pointed at me!

DREPANON
That's okay, you're a woman. No one expects you to think.

SIGYN shoots Drepanon.

ORION
He has a son?

CORRI
Define "has".

META
Like how my dad HAS an arrow in him at this present moment.

CORRI
Then no.

EPIPHANY
[Did he ever previously have a son?]

CORRI
Does the gender of his child REALLY matter?

AVERNA
You are NOT dodging the questions by answering them with more questions, Corri!

CORRI
Fine. Then yes.

CIN
Okay cause earlier I was gonna ask if the soup was made out of his son, but that's way too dumb to be plausible.

CORRI
The soup he ate right before killing himself did not have his son in it, no.

AVERNA
You just fucking gave it away!

CIN
I like Corri like this, though!

OVD
Actually, I believe YOU just gave it away with your reaction, Averna.

SERLEINA AND/OR AVERNA
YOU WOULD KNOW~

OVD
But I wouldn't worry about it too much. This cast and crew is pretty slow when the plot demands it.

ORION
Wait so, he ate soup that reminded him of his son and then killed himself?

OVD
See?

ORION
Was he really that bad of a father? I mean, is that even possible?

DREPANON
I don't wanna play anymore.

EPIPHANY
[Is this one of those "stranded on a desert island years ago and turned to cannibalism" ones? There's a lot of variations on that theme out there.]

CORRI
Yes.

AVERNA
So he had son soup but is only realizing this now. Unwitting cannibalism is an urban legend trope.

DESMODA
I know if I ever eat someone, it's entirely deliberate.

DREPANON
I find this implausible. How does he not know what his own species tastes like?

AVERNA
Not everyone is a freak like you, clearly.

DREPANON, flattered
Thank you.

AKUMA pulls the arrow out of Drepanon and licks it.

AKUMA
Apparently, Pyric demons taste like Peking duck.

ILLYBRIUS
I could have told you that.

AVERNA
Right, so, my turn!

[enter TOKIOMI, no Unsound.]

TOKIOMI looks as though he's been crying.

CIN
Show us the card!

SIGYN
Tokiomi!

SIGYN runs over to Tokiomi and hugs him.

TOKIOMI
Hey. I'm okay.

SIGYN
I would have followed you but you said you wanted to be alone and I was so scared--

TOKIOMI
I'm okay.

SIGYN
I shot Drepanon when you were gone.

AKUMA
The arrow tastes like Peking duck!

AVERNA
Hi Songman.

TOKIOMI
Hi, Averna.

AVERNA, reading card
I'm not doing this one; it's too stupid. No-one smuggles drugs in a hollowed-out baby.

AVERNA tosses the card on the table and picks another.

DREPANON
Speak for yourself.

AVERNA gives Drepanon a Look.
That's an urban legend out of Miami and pure propaganda, Edgelord Duck.

DREPANON
I'm thousands of years old, my pet.

EPIPHANY zaps Drepanon.

AVERNA bristles
Go die in a trash fire, Duck.

CIN, helpfully
I usually call those 'incinerators". I like "trash fire", though!

DREPANON
And whatever charming little human intel is telling you it's fully untrue has never met the likes of me.

CIN, to Averna
He's kind of cute, though. I mean, I can totally see why he bothers you, but I would probably rather kill him in one piece and just fuck the corpse.

OVD
SPOI--

SIGYN
Ooh, me too!

AVERNA
Oh cool, necrophilia buddies!

SIGYN
DIBS!

AVERNA
I said necrophilia buddies, not demonfucker buddies. It's only good ol' muggley human guys for me.

TOKIOMI
Maybe I SHOULDN'T let (Serleina/Mona) waterboard me as foreplay if my ward is turned on by necrophilia.

AVERNA finishes reading the back of the card.

AVERNA, smirking
This one's a classic, so if you know it already, hush up for this round. A girl drops dead after dancing with her boyfriend at prom.

CIN
Did he stab her?

DESMODA
Was her corset too tight?

AVERNA
No and no.

EVRYN
Did he murder her at all?

AVERNA
No.

CORRI
Was the punch poisoned?

AVERNA
No.

META
Did she drop dead from shitty prom music?

AVERNA
Stop being such a tryhard; you're embarrassing yourself.

CIN
Actually, I thought that question was legit. Anyway, was there anyone else involved?

AVERNA
... Yes.

EVRYN
Did the third person cause the girl's death?

AVERNA
Yes.

EVRYN
On purpose?

AVERNA
No.

CIN
Did the girl trip?

AVERNA
No. You're gonna need to get weirder than that.

META
Did a chandelier fall on her?

AVERNA
*laughs* Good guess, but no.

DREPANON
Did someone push her in front of a car for being too chatty?

CORRI
Did SOMEONE strangle her with a tablecloth for being a total ASSHOLE?

AVERNA
No, you dumbasses, I JUST SAID Person Three didn't intend to kill her.

TOKIOMI
Did she choke on a food served by the third person?

AVERNA
Nope.

CIN
Hey, to be entirely fair, I've pushed someone in front of a car without intendint to kill them, just you know hurt them a whole bunch.

META
Yeah, cool story, bro.

CIN
Would you like to be next?

SIGYN
HEY. Is the prom setting relevant to how the third person caused her death?
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