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| The Death Game (WIP) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 8 2017, 04:49 PM (15 Views) | |
| Bloody Death Bagel | Dec 8 2017, 04:49 PM Post #1 |
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SPARTA!
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(Puzzle: A woman who lives alone is impregnated by Zeus in the form of an olive tree, and dies five months later because the baby was too heavy and an old rope bridge she crossed every day gave out under her.) JEPH [A woman sleeps under a tree. Five months later, she dies on her way to town.] EPIPHANY [Now you need to guess how she died by asking yes-or-no questions.] DESMODA Does the tree contain an allergen? EPIPHANY [No.] TOKIOMI Am I going to lose custody of my niece by letting her learn the answer? OVD If you hadn't already, what makes you think you would NOW? EPIPHANY [That's between you and your social worker.] TOKIOMI I don't have a social worker anymore. Haven't needed one in years, until maybe now. SIGYN Is the scenario at all intuitive? EPIPHANY [Of course not.] CINNAMON Does the tree fall on her? DREPANON Is she a dendrophiliac? EVRYN Is it a tree she normally passes to and from town? EPIPHANY [No, no, and no.] CORRI Does she die from a splinter? EPIPHANY [No, this isn't Slee] [Well, actually... Metaphorically, yes?] CONNY Is the splinter a metaphor for tetanus? EPIPHANY [No.] SERLEINA Did she catch a disease from the area where she slept? EPIPHANY hesitates [No.] EVRYN Did she get something else from where she slept that caused her death? EPIPHANY grins [Yes!] SIGYN Was it a tapeworm? TOKIOMI, sim. Was it a parasite? EPIPHANY [Not a tapeworm. Define "parasite".] TOKIOMI ... Was it a living thing that feeds off another living thing, causes harm to it, and that a medical doctor would advise the removal of? EPIPHANY thinks [Then probably no.] EVRYN You hesitated again. Did it fit at least one criterion but not all of them? EPIPHANY [Yes.] CINNAMON Were any of the criteria debatable? I'm taking philosophy so I have to ask. EPIPHANY [There was at least one debatable criterion.] SIGYN Was it mistletoe? SERLEINA How the fuck would mistletoe kill her five months later? EPIPHANY [Not mistletoe.] META Was it marriage? SERLEINA WAS IT AN IMMATURE FREELOADING PIECE OF SHIT LIKE MY COUSIN? EPIPHANY [She did not marry.] [I don't know how to answer Serleina's question.] SERLEINA Heck yeck, I broke the game! AKUMA WAS IT A FUHTOOSIS?! META How the fuck would she get that from a TREE?! EPIPHANY [Yes, it was a foetus.] META Wait, WHAT? EPIPHANY [That's not a yes-or-no question.] CORRI Um, was there another person involved? DESMODA Of COURSE there-- ugh. EPIPHANY [A person who is not the woman or the foetus?] META Don't be silly, women and fetuses aren't people! CIN Why don't you fuck off? CORRI Yes. To Epiphany's question. EPIPHANY [Yes.] ORION So she didn't impregnate herself. META Was there a man under the tree? EPIPHANY [No.] META What the fuck? EPIPHANY [That's not a yes-or-no question.] USAGI Was the other person, um... Was the other person there when she woke up? EPIPHANY [Presumably yes?] USAGI Okay so at the beginning of the series, you said, uh, you said "person" included more than just humans, with your buzzer tool. Was the other person human? EPIPHANY [The other person was not human.] ROSEMARY Were they an orange? EPIPHANY [No.] ILLYBRIUS Was the nonhuman acquainted with the woman previously? EPIPHANY [Define "acquainted".] ILLYBRIUS Seriously? I don't know, had she ever come into contact with him before? LENA Was it even a "him"? EPIPHANY [Then no, and yes.] CIN AND SIGYN WAS HE STALKING HER?! EPIPHANY [... I'm gonna go with "not relevant to the outcome".] ORION Did someone kill her for her baby? EPIPHANY [No.] DREPANON Was the man hiding in the tree? EPIPHANY [... Define "hiding in the tree."] DREPANON Are you s-- Did he climb into the fucking tree and hide, is what that means. EPIPHANY [Then no.] DREPANON What else could it-- SERLEINA THAT'S NOT A YES OR NO QUESTION!!! AKUMA Did she die from a process relevant to removing the fuhtoosis? EPIPHANY [No.] AKUMA Did she die from miscarriage? EPIPHANY [No.] DESMODA, frowning Is the man a shape-shifter? EPIPHANY, grinning [Yes!] AKUMA Did the fuhtoosis shape-shift inside her and then she died? EPIPHANY [No.] META Wait so-- did the *tree* get her pregnant? CORRI Don't be stupid, Meta. EPIPHANY [Wow you got one right for once. Yes.] CORRI Oh. AKUMA Did she die from any kind of internal complication regarding the fuhtoosis? CIN Did the baby, like, burst out of her stomach like the rabbits in Pet Shop of Horrors and then just like instantly kill her? DREPANON Wow, Cin. No, she probably died because of something on her way to town. EPIPHANY [No internal complications from having a foetus killed her, not even chestburster style.] DREPANON Did she live far from town? ORION Did people coming the other way see her big belly and start throwing stuff at it that caused her to die? CORRI Did she trip, fall on her stomach, and die? TOKIOMI Did she get hit by a vehicle on her way to town? EPIPHANY [Yes, she lived far from town. No for the rest.] CIN Did she take public transport? EPIPHANY [No.] DREPANON Did she get in a car accident? SIGYN Did she even DRIVE? EPIPHANY [No and no.] CONNY Did she take a moped? EVRYN Pregnant girls don't ride mopeds. CONNY But Epiphany said it would be non-intuitive. EPIPHANY [Okay, you're on the wrong track with the vehicles.] META Did she get side-tracked and fall off a cliff? EPIPHANY [No, she did not wander off a cliff, you knucklehead.] SIGYN Was she shot? EPIPHANY [No.] DESMODA Did she drown? CORRI We don't even know if she has to cross water. CIN Good point. Does she have to cross water to get to town? EPIPHANY [She has to cross water to get to town. It doesn't specify a precise cause of death, but drowning is highly plausible.] CIN Okay so we know vehicles aren't involved. Does she, like, swim into town? EPIPHANY [She does not swim to town.] CORRI Well I'm beat. DREPANON I give up as well. CONNY Yeah, too hard. DESMODA WAIT. Was the tree Zeus? EPIPHANY [The tree was Zeus.] DESMODA Okay, I think I got it. So, Zeus disguised himself as a tree and then impregnated the woman, and so five months later, on her way into town, Hera finds out about the pregnancy and kills her. EPIPHANY [Yeah, it was probably Hera. The way she died is pretty stupid otherwise.] [Care to guess the MO?] DESMODA Tried to kidnap her but dropped her while passing water? EPIPHANY [Nope.] EVRYN No, she said PROBABLY Hera and PROBABLY drowning, not explicitly those things. TOKIOMI She crosses water on her way to town, but not by vehicle or swimming... Does she wade? EPIPHANY [She does not wade.] CIN Does, like, an alligator come out of the water and swallow her, killing her instantly? EPIPHANY [That would have been cool, but no.] DREPANON How would her pregnancy factor into that? EVRYN Was it a totetsu? They like foetuses. DESMODA Was it a vampire attack? EPIPHANY [It was neither of those.] TOKIOMI ... The only other way I can think of is for her to cross a bridge. Is that right? EPIPHANY, grinning [Yes!] SIGYN You're shitting us. EPIPHANY [I told you it's stupid.] SIGYN So yoiu really expect us to believe that this woman sleeps under a tree that JUST HAPPENS to be Zeus and then he impregnates her-- CORRI That's hot. SIGYN And FIVE MONTHS LATER, she dies from, what, failing to cross a fucking BRIDGE properly on her way to town? EPIPHANY [It's specifically an old rope bridge that collapses out from under her due to the extra weight from the pregnancy.] SIGYN ... [ragequit SIGYN] CORRI flips a table. [ragequit CORRI] EPIPHANY [... I guess we're skipping Corri's turn, then!] TOKIOMI I need a break from this shit, too. [stagequit TOKIOMI] (followed by a stream of people leaving one by one until it's just Epiphany, Evryn, and Cinnamon.) EPIPHANY [Maybe this wasn't the best game to bring...] CIN Oh no, I love it. It's a refreshing change. EVRYN Drepanon, specifically, is probably just hangry. (After a few minutes, everyone enters, plus some new folks.) SERLEINA HEY HEY EVERYBODY, I BROUGHT VERN! EPIPHANY, smiling [Hi Averna! No peeking.] AVERNA, IN SERLEINA That was one time and no-one would have guessed it in a million years. CIN Most people won't guess most of these in a million years. I'm pretty sure it's jsut a fluke that the audience worked this one out. CORRI If I'm not much mistaken, it's my turn next. "A man takes a bite of soup and then dies." Hold on... - No WAY! This one's great. AVERNA Okay it's not gonna be poison, so to get it out of the way: Was he poisoned? CORRI Nope! AVERNA Homicide? CORRI No. EPIPHANY [Was it an accident?] CORRI Uhh, no. TOKIOMI That leaves suicide or natural causes. AKUMA Was it suicide? CIN Was there something sharp in the soup? CORRI Yes, Akuma. No, Cin. TOKIOMI, voice wavering Was it assisted suicide? CORRI I... don't know. EPIPHANY [Was there something wrong with the soup?] CORRI I don't think so. TOKIOMI, quietly I'm not sure I can play this round. CIN, impatiently Can you maybe not be a killjoy? SIGYN BACK OFF. EVRYN Right, well, we'll let them sort that. Averna, is there anyone else you could borrow? I think Tokiomi might need Serleina. TOKIOMI No. I'd like to be alone. [exit TOKIOMI, with no unsound.] CORRI ANYWAY, CIN Right! Okay so, was the man already dying? CORRI Doesn't say. AVERNA Was he already suicidal? CORRI Not that I can tell. EPIPHANY [Does how he died matter to the puzzle?] CORRI That's a matter of perspective. CIN Was he triggered like that weakling that just-- SIGYN I TOLD YOU TO BACK THE FUCK OFF! CIN Dude-- SIGYN, armored up and holding crossbow Last warning. CORRI You *could* say that. SIGYN Don't start with me, Corri. CORRI I was only answering, "Was he triggered?" META Was the soup made by a former lover? DREPANON Does it even matter who made the soup? CORRI No, and no! EVRYN So, Epi already said there's nothing wrong with the soup, so it wasn't so bad he just killed himself, right? CORRI Not the way you're phrasing it, no. AVERNA In these puzzles, people off themselves at the drop of a hat, and if there's nothing wrong with the soup, then what's wrong is with him. Is there any curse or other magical element to the story? CORRI No, it's mundane as far as I can see. DREPANON Does the soup remind him of someone he hated? CORRI I can see why you would think that, if I tilt my head and squint, but I doubt it. Not EVERYONE is like-- Never mind. SIGYN Was it something his son used to make for him? CORRI In a manner of speaking. AVERNA So it reminded him of someone? CORRI Yes, Serleina. EVRYN Actually, that's Averna. CORRI Bzuh? EVRYN ... Right. Erm, think of Serleina as Averna's temporary golem right now. AVERNA Yes, hi, I'm a ghost and Serleina's letting me borrow her voice. CORRI Out of everyone on the show, you wanted to borrow SERLEINA'S voice? AVERNA I'm not riding in Lil Doc's braincase. Out of everyone else here, I know Serleina the best, and Serleina's really fun! CORRI And we AREN'T? CIN Let's get back to the game! Um... Wuh- no, that's stupid. Um... Did... no... uh... shit. EPIPHANY Did he have relevant food allergies? CORRI No. CIN Look, it's really hard for me to think with a crossbow pointed at me! DREPANON That's okay, you're a woman. No one expects you to think. SIGYN shoots Drepanon. ORION He has a son? CORRI Define "has". META Like how my dad HAS an arrow in him at this present moment. CORRI Then no. EPIPHANY [Did he ever previously have a son?] CORRI Does the gender of his child REALLY matter? AVERNA You are NOT dodging the questions by answering them with more questions, Corri! CORRI Fine. Then yes. CIN Okay cause earlier I was gonna ask if the soup was made out of his son, but that's way too dumb to be plausible. CORRI The soup he ate right before killing himself did not have his son in it, no. AVERNA You just fucking gave it away! CIN I like Corri like this, though! OVD Actually, I believe YOU just gave it away with your reaction, Averna. SERLEINA AND/OR AVERNA YOU WOULD KNOW~ OVD But I wouldn't worry about it too much. This cast and crew is pretty slow when the plot demands it. ORION Wait so, he ate soup that reminded him of his son and then killed himself? OVD See? ORION Was he really that bad of a father? I mean, is that even possible? DREPANON I don't wanna play anymore. EPIPHANY [Is this one of those "stranded on a desert island years ago and turned to cannibalism" ones? There's a lot of variations on that theme out there.] CORRI Yes. AVERNA So he had son soup but is only realizing this now. Unwitting cannibalism is an urban legend trope. DESMODA I know if I ever eat someone, it's entirely deliberate. DREPANON I find this implausible. How does he not know what his own species tastes like? AVERNA Not everyone is a freak like you, clearly. DREPANON, flattered Thank you. AKUMA pulls the arrow out of Drepanon and licks it. AKUMA Apparently, Pyric demons taste like Peking duck. ILLYBRIUS I could have told you that. AVERNA Right, so, my turn! [enter TOKIOMI, no Unsound.] TOKIOMI looks as though he's been crying. CIN Show us the card! SIGYN Tokiomi! SIGYN runs over to Tokiomi and hugs him. TOKIOMI Hey. I'm okay. SIGYN I would have followed you but you said you wanted to be alone and I was so scared-- TOKIOMI I'm okay. SIGYN I shot Drepanon when you were gone. AKUMA The arrow tastes like Peking duck! AVERNA Hi Songman. TOKIOMI Hi, Averna. AVERNA, reading card I'm not doing this one; it's too stupid. No-one smuggles drugs in a hollowed-out baby. AVERNA tosses the card on the table and picks another. DREPANON Speak for yourself. AVERNA gives Drepanon a Look. That's an urban legend out of Miami and pure propaganda, Edgelord Duck. DREPANON I'm thousands of years old, my pet. EPIPHANY zaps Drepanon. AVERNA bristles Go die in a trash fire, Duck. CIN, helpfully I usually call those 'incinerators". I like "trash fire", though! DREPANON And whatever charming little human intel is telling you it's fully untrue has never met the likes of me. CIN, to Averna He's kind of cute, though. I mean, I can totally see why he bothers you, but I would probably rather kill him in one piece and just fuck the corpse. OVD SPOI-- SIGYN Ooh, me too! AVERNA Oh cool, necrophilia buddies! SIGYN DIBS! AVERNA I said necrophilia buddies, not demonfucker buddies. It's only good ol' muggley human guys for me. TOKIOMI Maybe I SHOULDN'T let (Serleina/Mona) waterboard me as foreplay if my ward is turned on by necrophilia. AVERNA finishes reading the back of the card. AVERNA, smirking This one's a classic, so if you know it already, hush up for this round. A girl drops dead after dancing with her boyfriend at prom. CIN Did he stab her? DESMODA Was her corset too tight? AVERNA No and no. EVRYN Did he murder her at all? AVERNA No. CORRI Was the punch poisoned? AVERNA No. META Did she drop dead from shitty prom music? AVERNA Stop being such a tryhard; you're embarrassing yourself. CIN Actually, I thought that question was legit. Anyway, was there anyone else involved? AVERNA ... Yes. EVRYN Did the third person cause the girl's death? AVERNA Yes. EVRYN On purpose? AVERNA No. CIN Did the girl trip? AVERNA No. You're gonna need to get weirder than that. META Did a chandelier fall on her? AVERNA *laughs* Good guess, but no. DREPANON Did someone push her in front of a car for being too chatty? CORRI Did SOMEONE strangle her with a tablecloth for being a total ASSHOLE? AVERNA No, you dumbasses, I JUST SAID Person Three didn't intend to kill her. TOKIOMI Did she choke on a food served by the third person? AVERNA Nope. CIN Hey, to be entirely fair, I've pushed someone in front of a car without intendint to kill them, just you know hurt them a whole bunch. META Yeah, cool story, bro. CIN Would you like to be next? SIGYN HEY. Is the prom setting relevant to how the third person caused her death? |
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