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"Bionic" - a ranking
Topic Started: Mar 5 2011, 09:24 PM (322 Views)
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Refined Southern Gentleman
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So I was smoking pot like I normally do and realized its not a bad album, it just had shitty promotion.

It has been said Christina's mental breakdown as of late started with the shitty sales and release of this album.

1. Bionic
2. Not Myself Tonight
3. Woohoo feat. Nicki Minaj
4. Elastic Love
5. Desnudate
6. Love & Glamour (intro)
7. Glam
8. Prima Donna
9. Morning Dessert (intro)
10. Sex For Breakfast
11. Lift Me Up
12. My Heart (Intro)
13. All I Need
14. I Am
15. You Lost Me
16. I Hate Boys
17. My Girls feat. Peaches
18. Vanity

==========================

Let us rank thy songs.
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Refined Southern Gentleman
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18th:

My Heart (Intro) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z126pAa405E

I hate any kind of "intro" or "interludes" on pop albums because it disrupts the flow of the music. But this 20 second intro is truly heinous. It features Xtina's soon to be ex-husband pleading with their son to "say papa" and "show me how you sing like mommy" until finally the little fucker blurts out a "mama"...and that's it.

what the fuck.
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17th:

All I Need - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0gtpr9-0m8

It's no coincedence that "My Heart (intro)" is the lead-in to this song. It's basically a love letter to her fucking baby, yet again. On an album full of gay anthems and songs dedicated to Christina's pussy, somehow a heartfelt ballad about her baby feels out of place and somewhat creepy. And the lyrics suck.

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16th:

Elastic Love - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHdsotdBdTE

This song sucks, plain an simple. I don't know if she's trying to be some alternative electro-queen here or what but it doesn't work. She compares someone's love to a "rubber band" -- thus the Elastic Love. Also lyrics about rulers, pencil sharpeners, and staplers. A true work of art about office supplies. And there's too many blips and blops to the music to even make it danceable.

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15th:

I Am - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uuKNxPxHH8

Another ballad with pretty horrible lyrics. "I am timid, and I am over-sensitive, I am a lioness, I am tired and defensive..." When she hits the chorus it improves, but only slightly. I find it to be sort of like a boring church song. As I said before, on an album with sex songs it feels out of place.

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14th:

Morning Dessert (intro) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BqVdq26ZLE

Another goddamned intro. But this one is better than the previous songs because its basically her begging to be fucked in the early morning hours. "touch me here, touch me there...let me give you morning dessert. I'm not hungry for food all I want is yooooou"

It would work very well as background music in a porn scene.

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13th:

Sex For Breakfast - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGp622-k2ns

This is the full version of the song that "Morning Dessert" leads into. Much of the same, basically her telling her man that she's ready to be fucked. It's got a good groove, I just prefer alot of the other songs. "Won't let you sleep, want you deep inside of me" -- really such a classy young woman.
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Vanity ftw
<img src='http://i1193.photobucket.com/albums/aa351/foxyknoxy1/KORIKOEAnna Paquin is a gap-toothed bitch.R.gif' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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12th:

Glam - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGYjh1jybYQ

I had read somewhere that this was intended to be the first single, thank fucking god it wasn't. It's one of the gayest songs on the album, but not THE gayest. That is yet to come. This is basically all about wearing clothes and fierce makeup and owning the runway and all of that shit. Even has references to "post-op" which I'm assuming means trannies and drag queens. Something tells me this is a personal favorite of T18.

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11th:

Love & Glamour (intro) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwqoZStvlr8

The third and final fucking intro on the album. Also the lead-in to "Glam" -- and I much prefer the intro to the actual song just because its pretty hilarious. It's Christina reciting the following:

"Fashion is a lifestyle. It's a choice. It's a freedom of expression. You have to live it, you have to love it, you have to breathe it. Life's all about love and glamoooooour"

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10th:

Bionic - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPjoKCjrMjk

I actually like all of the songs from here on out. But with "Bionic" she's again doing that alternative electro bullshit that I can't quite understand. It has a nice beat and is a million times better than Elastic Love. Xtina is telling us she's so damn bionic and will hit us like a rocket. And get us with her electronic supersonic rocket, HEY! And she's got a sort of rap-singing style going on. I dunno, not my favorite but not totally horriffic.
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9th:

You Lost Me - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XjZ5KhBCrI

I'm not sure why she released this as a single. It's not mainstream or pop in any way. But a powerful ballad that shows off her singing nonetheless. All I can get from this is that someone lost her because they couldn't keep their hands to themselves. It's only this high because she's really singing on this one like the old school Xtina that everyone loves.

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8th:

Prima Donna - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApP3wdFhGbg

This song has a really really good beat and groove to it. Almost like an R&B strut. It's just a song about Christina being hella hotshit and how she rules the world. And it sounds like Lil Jon in the background doing his signature "whaaaaat" and "okaaaays" so she gets points for that. "This is your private party, VIP up in this bitch" is the key lyric.


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7th:

My Girls - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYZ59MLweKU

I think this is supposed to be some female empowerment jam about her "girls", clearly.
The opening line is "my girls wear lipstick while they're making my beats, they got guitar picks in their purses, Louboutins on their feet" Um, no Christina. Just no.

The best part of the song is the guest rap from Peaches, who has a cult following for her nasty sex raps. "I rock a mullet or two, yeah below the waist" <3

Xtina's singing is shit here, its that high whisper bullshit instead of her belting it out. Fuck that.
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6th:

Lift Me Up - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_PKY6Lvi6E

Highest ranked ballad on the album. I wish she would have released this instead of You Lost Me. I first heard this when she sang it on the Haiti telethon. But the album version has much more music to it. Very mid-tempo and groovy. I don't know, this just sounds like more of the current sound that she should have stuck with overall for the album. And she's belting out for a good portion of it.
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5th:

Desnudate - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNuEqQ9E5E

A signature Christina sex jam. Her pleas of "get naked for me" and the sex moans make it a joyful experience. I would have liked this released as a single. She tries to play up her faux-Latina roots with some Spanglish lyrics and some latin sounding music, but its a good song. Very dancey.

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4th:

Vanity - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjfA9TzjALs

Lord have mercy. This is not only the gayest song on the album but one of the gayest songs I've ever heard in my life. This is Christina's tribute to herself and how "fucking pretty" she is and how wet she gets herself. "Thank you mom and daddy cause I turn myself on" until ultimately she marries herself because she's so hot.

Then it delves into a portion where she begs her queens who reign supreme to scream, and "if the shoe fits, wear it bitch"

A major plus to this song is that she hits the highest note I've ever heard her sing. It's very impressive.

The final nail in the coffin of this song is where she sings:

"Let us not forget who owns the throne" and we are subjected to her baby YET AGAIN who pops in to say "you do mommy"

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3rd:

I Hate Boys - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HogVLFopuAY

Why oh why didn't she release this as a single. It reminds me so much of "Hollaback Girl" with the marching band drums. It could have been a good hit for her I think. Except its fucking feminist about how she hates boys. Nothing really beats the groove of this song, and she's belting for alot of it. "Boys suck, make me sick, inflated egos little dicks" wouldn't go over so well on pop radio maybe.

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2nd:

Woohoo - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JXx9zIafrw

The ode to Christina's pussy. What a JOY. A pretty disgusting song but the music is really fantastic and you can't beat a guest rap from Nicki Minaj these days. I'm not really sure why it wasn't a bigger hit. I rather enjoy it every time I hear it. It was great when she sang this at the MTV awards with a big flashing read heart over her cooter. With the material that she had to work with, I think she did everything that she could with this song. Maybe in time it will be more celebrated. But for ME its the second best on the album.
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#1

Not Myself Tonight - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZWmFCkjnjQ

Ok so she got alot of shit for this song for sounding like Gaga and the ridiculously over the top video but its a great song. And for the direction of the album and the sub-par material its the best choice she could have made for a first single. I think its produced great and is a fucking excellent pop song. Whenever I am in a "Bionic" mood on itunes its always the first song I click, and its why its #1. Had the ~entire~ album been like this with maybe less pussy songs I think it would have done much better.

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This concludes UD's ranking of "Bionic"

Upon second thought maybe it is a pretty shitty album but it has its moments.

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