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[MBC] Tuesday Bloody Tuesday - June 30th, 2009
Topic Started: Jul 21 2009, 09:46 PM (1,308 Views)
MBCKyle
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[The screaming of birds is what welcomes us to this episode of Tuesday Bloody Tuesday. And in such, the camera fades from the sweet oblivion of darkness that we were left in. Sure, you could watch other things on television but we here like to think you only watch this show.

Only the MBC is in your life.

The MBC _is_ life.

And life takes us to strange places. New views, so new in fact that we may not have seen a mountain scene as tranquil as what you see now. The sun will soon set over the Rocky Mountains and the lush forest before us. Where are we?

Just outside the city limits of Styx, Wyoming. The sign says so.

And nature is then interupted by the blaring sounds of Boy George's "Karma Chameleon". The song just sort of echoes through the air, tearing a new one into this natural serenity. We finally see a long four lane road and in the distance, driving closer, is a yellow cab. Who could be inside?]

Skullhead: You think you could turn that down?

[We are then taken to the interior of the cab. Sitting in the back is Skullhead, looking over paperwork as he waits for the cabbie to arrive at his destination. The driver? Well, he's wearing the biggest mirror sunglasses you can possibly imagine and a trashy hat they probably stopped making in the 1970's.]

Cabbie: Hey man, it's all good. I know not everybody likes "The George." Not your fault.

[Skullhead gives the cabbie a sideways glance but the cabbie doesn't notice. He's still rocking out to "The George". Skullhead fips a few more sheets before noticing that the cabbie is slowing down and pulling over to the side of the road.]

Skullhead: We're not there yet are we?

[Looking outside, there's nothing but forest and mountains. The road to Styx still has quite far to go. But there, before the cab is the sign that reads "Styx City Limits."]

Cabbie: It's cool man, but we're at the end of the line.

Skullhead: Wait? What?

[The cabbie jumps out of the driver's seat and pops the trunk. He pulls out Skullhead's bag and sets it on the ground. Skullhead gets out to find out what's going on.]

Skullhead: This is only the city limits. We've still got ten more miles to go.

Cabbie: I'm not allowed to drive past the city limits.

Skullhead: What do you mean by that?

Cabbie: Company regulations. We're not allowed to drive into the city.

Skullhead: You're going to leave me on the side of the road like this. I paid good money to drive here because I didn't want to have to fly to Canada first to fly into Styx.

Cabbie: I'm sorry man. It's not because you're no fan of "The George"... I don't hold that against you... but Styx... it's crazy town man. They're the type to like... chain you to the wall and [MEEP]. And they go ape[MEEP] because they think you're looking at porn on their computer.

[The cabbie waves his hands.]

Cabbie: Crazy man. Crazy.

[Clearly spooked, the cabbie hops back into the driver side and puts the cab in motion. He hangs out the door as he turns it around.]

Cabbie: You'll be okay man. Stick to the road. And for the love of God, don't liter.

[Advice given, the cabbie hauls ass back down the road, leaving Skullhead stranded on the side of the road. Not to be detered, he hoists his bag up over his shoulder and starts to walk.

Time passes.

Skullhead has obviously been walking for quite a while but he's made great time. He turns a bend in the road and can see the city in the distance. But before him stand two great statues on either side of the road. Each holds out a mighty hand towards the other. They're clearly old but in pristine quality for statues that age and that size. One bears an eerie resemblance to Vengeance.

Ever see the first Lord of the Rings movie? Fellowship of the Ring? At the end, just before they're fighting orcs there are the two massive statues on either side of the river. Well... it's just like that.]

Skullhead: Where the [MEEP] am I?

[God help you Skullhead.

God help you.

Fade to intro.

"Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" by Bruce Dickenson with Godspeed quickly begins to play as the opening credits kick into motion. We're treated to various images of the MBC's most recent spectacular 2X4 2008...]

#You've seen life through distorted eyes#
#You know you had to learn#
#The execution of your mind#
#You really had to turn#

[The first image we see is the flashback to the mid 80's with Slush wearing Addidas... little people dressed just like him... the appearance of "The Devil's Mother"... the spectacle of the 2X4 Tournament Third Round match... Kathryn Elyson and Andrea Kristian taking on Susan Davis and Tesla St. James... Mike Reznor and TENMA Akamu going toe to toe... the preliminary wrestlers swarming in...]

#The race is run the book is read#
#The end begins to show#

[The insanity of Lights Camera Action beating the tar out of referees who think they're wrestlers... The Chromosomes appearing and taking the fight to LCA... Hands punching through a wall to grab Slush by the throat... Max Benson and Ryu Osawa taking The Omen down and both covering for the pin... Erik Grimsson and Jan Delgado getting the final word in on Holly Hotbody and Brawn Stevenson...]

#The truth is out, the lies are old#
#But you don’t want to know#

[Stan Crawford locked into a physical showdown with Chromosome Y... Dalbello Rage using every trick in her book in order to keep Jerry Titus down... Kiora Donavon and Amber Rogers winning the Psycho Driver Tag Team titles from Leanna and Lolita Love... The Omen delivering prophecy to Slush...]

#Nobody will ever let you know#
#When you ask the reasons why#
#They just tell you that you're on your own#
#Fill your head all full of lies...#

[The return of Tinkle... The Return of R.U.N.T... The Problem Solvers getting the win over Fury in a brutal Falls Count Anywhere Match... Tom Landis, One-Winged Angel, Myra Benedict, and Tara Marshall all brawling into the crowd... Jerry Titus and Stan Crawford beating one another bloody... Jerry Titus holding the SBC Title victorious... The return of the Hand of Doom...]

#...YOU BASTARD!!!#

[The image lingers before it gives way to the guitar solo and logo...]

______ __ ___ __ __
/_ __/_ _____ ______/ /__ ___ __/ _ )/ /__ ___ ___/ /_ __
/ / / // / -_|_-< _ / _ `/ // / _ / / _ Y _ Y _ / // /
/_/ \_,_/\__/___|_,_/\_,_/\_, /____/_/\___|___|_,_/\_, /
/_ __/_ ____/___/___/ /__ ___ __ /___/
/ / / // / -_|_-< _ / _ `/ // /
/_/ \_,_/\__/___|_,_/\_,_/\_, /
/___/



J u n e 3 0 t h , 2 0 0 9

P e p s i C e n t e r

D e n v e r , C o l o r a d o

H o u r O n e


[The logo fades and we are taken to the interior of the Pepsi Center, affectionately called "The Can" by many. It's one of the better nicknames for an arena I think. I mean, it's certainly better than "The [MEEP]hole" or something similar. The fans are happy for some wrestling action as they're out in full force with signs and low cut T-shirts. Looks like our perverted camera crew is at it again.]

Pinhead: Hello folks. This is Tuesday Bloody Tuesday!

[If our normal introduction sounds a bit off, it's for good reason. Skullhead, as you saw just seconds ago, is in Styx. So that leaves only two and three-eights at our commentator's table.]

Pinhead: We're down one but we'll try our best to keep this thing rolling.

[At center, though with some extra room to the right is Ian McAllister, the bald bastard named Pinhead.]

Slush: ...

[At left and strangely quiet is Anthony Wayneright Danza III. When the camera pans over, it doesn't take long to figure out why. With a proud smile on his face and a large gold chain around his neck holding an even larger gold "#1"... well... Slush is letting the scene talk for itself.]

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: That's right bitches. I AM NUMBER ONE!

[And what Slush braggadocio would be complete without pelvic thrusts.]

Slush: UNGH! UNGH! UNGH!

Pinhead: Everybody who voted for you should be ashamed of themselves.

Slush: I am the big middle finger to the industry! I am the ultimate voice!

Pinhead: Very ashamed.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: Getting voted number one only encourages this sort of behavior.

Slush: Face it! People love me! I'm the dude at the orgy with all the lube!

Pinhead: Dear God. Skullhead, I should kill you for leaving.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: Regardless, we have a show to do. And it's the last one before the massive three night festival that has become SplatterNad 2009.

Slush: Styx, Wyoming must be a strange town.

Pinhead: What makes you say that?

Slush: Any town that embraces an event named after testicular smashing has issues.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Sure, I guess you COULD say the same thing about Spokane.

Pinhead: On the docket we've got five very strong matches. Opening up the show, Ravage takes on "D-Day" Harley Sanders. Following that we've got one of Slush's favorites, Ami Tran versus Tara Marshall.

Slush: The treacherous whore versus the festering womb!

Pinhead: Such colorful language you have.

Slush: Better to offend you with.

Pinhead: In six man tag action, "The Big Nasty Bastard" Mike Reznor and the Dreams face Jonas "Dutch" Elm and the Neon Knights.

Slush: And there damn well better be some bar-b-que.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: In our second hour, it's mixed tag team action as Erik Grimsson and Susan Davis step into the ring against Crimson and Kathryn Elyson. With the bounty still on Grimsson's head, let’s hope he makes it to the ring. I've heard rumors of people getting pretty creative in how they try to claim that bounty.

Slush: Nothing a forklift wouldn't solve.

Pinhead: And in our main event...

Slush: I HATE TOM LANDIS!

Pinhead: That's right. In a non-title match, Tom Landis takes on Taylor MacKenzie in a preview of the SplatterNad 2009: Night Three Main Event.

Slush: I am astonished that my son wasn't included in this.

Pinhead: You mean the One-Winged Angel? The one who shall bring about your downfall?

Slush: Damn you and damn that prophecy! My son loves me like a son should his father!

Pinhead: Right. All of The Omen's other prophecies are hitting the mark. Sooner or later, so will this one.

Slush: I'll have something to say later this show to that masked freak. But not yet... I'm waiting on something very special.

Pinhead: I can smell how awful it will be already.

Slush: Just you wait. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

Pinhead: I just don't see that happening.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: And with that animalistic segue, we move into our first match of the evening. "D-Day" Harley Sanders, the man formerly known as the Doomsday Chicken will be taking on Industry of Hate member Ravage.

Slush: Ah... the glory days of the Doomsday Chicken.

Pinhead: There weren't many of them.

Slush: But I remember them fondly.

Pinhead: I don't see why.

Slush: They mostly involve him falling down the stairs after slipping on chicken feed.

Pinhead: Well ever since Sanders and his "Brotherhood of Bastards" have been mixing it up with the Hand of Doom, all those preliminary wrestlers have undergone some changes. They're meaner, tougher and I think possibly rabid.

Slush: Is there such a thing as rabid chicken? A foaming cock?

[Somewhere...]

Trice: BAWK?

Pinhead: For the love of God, let's just go to the match.

______________________________________________________
/_ __/ __ )_ __/
/ / / __ |/ / "D-DAY" HARLEY SANDERS versus
/ / / /_/ // / RAVAGE
/_/ /_____//_/
|____________________________________Writer: Kyle B. Lee


[Ravage's entrance was what you would expect. Cheesy music with cheesy moves from a cheesy guy in a cheesy suit. If you want the definition of "sleaze ball" lackey, don't bother looking in a dictionary, just look at Ravage. Despite his cheese and sleaze, he was ready to wrestle and seemed quite confident that he could easily overcome "D-Day" Harley Sanders.]

Slush: Why does my skin crawl around that guy?

Pinhead: It's DB radiation.

Slush: DB?

Pinhead: Douchebag.

[AC/DC's "Who Made Who" began to play but that quickly screeched to a halt. The fans sitting along the sides of the aisle were puzzled as they were anxious to toss chicken seed at the feet of Harley Sanders. It was a tradition after all. Suddenly through the entrance, ten hot women, dressed like a NBA dance team, walked down the aisle and handed out bottles of Mountain Dew to those who had chicken feed. Instructions were given and everybody seemed quite pleased with what was about to happen. The dance team then walked away and finally we could see that their uniforms read "Chicka D-Day Dance Team".]

Slush: The hell is this?

["Walk" by Pantera began to play and from the entrance came "D-Day" Harley Sanders escorted by Hand of Doom member Kiora Donavon. At the top of the ramp, Sanders stood and psyched himself up. The fans down the aisle then all shook their bottles and popped the top. What followed was a carbonated cascade of Mountain Dew, shooting across both sides of the aisle. Harley Sanders charged through this shower of Dew and screamed...]

HS: EXTREME BAPTISMAL ENTRANCE!!!

[While Sanders ran and became completely soaked in Mountain Dew, Kiora wisely hung back. Sanders slid into the ring and immediately went after Ravage. The bell rang as the two wrestlers started to brawl. And being careful of where she stepped, Kiora walked down to the ring to support the leader of the Brotherhood of Bastards. Sanders was a wild man and Ravage had quite a hard time getting a hold of Sanders. All that Mountain Dew either made him really slippery or too disgusting to touch. Though, the same could be said with Ravage, what being sleazy and all. Aggressive as Ravage was, he was somewhat overwhelmed. Sanders had never been this competent in the ring nor had he been this aggressive himself. Sanders had changed in his time with BOB Club and quite frankly it was downright scary. So scary in fact, that Ravage flinched as Sanders came charging with a massive clothesline. Instead of using a clothesline, Sanders nailed Ravage with a mean looking full nelson backbreaker. For the first time while not under hypnosis, Sanders covered and got the one, two, three. Kiora entered the ring after the match and raised Harley’s arm in victory.]

RING ANNOUNCER: The winner of this match by pinfall... "D-DAY" HARLEY SANDERS!!!

Slush: It's not quite as funny without the poultry hypnosis.

Pinhead: I always kind of figured that Sanders had SOME talent. And I'm somewhat glad to see it actually coming to the forefront... but this is almost... tainted somehow.

Slush: Too much exposure to Mountain Dew will do that.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: I don't think "Extreme Hamstering" exists.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: "Hamster Mainlining"... that I can see being possible.

Pinhead: If every member of the Brotherhood of Bastards have as good of a transformation as Harley, then the wrestlers of the MBC had better watch out.

Slush: And by the way, how the hell did he get his own dance team?

Pinhead: Beats me.

Slush: I need me one of those.

Pinhead: You have you're own personal cadre of little people.

Slush: True, but I can't ride any roller coasters with them. It sucks being the only dude going through the loops.

Pinhead: You're just a sad, sad man.

Slush: Sometimes, at night, I cry.

Pinhead: Oh yeah?

Slush: Then I realize things could be worse. I could be you! OH BURN!

Pinhead: Great.

[On screen appears a dark haired, bronze-skinned woman in a power-suit, stogie wedged between her teeth, her black hair covered by an equally dark fedora. Her ethnicity seems vague; she could be latina, or middle-eastern... or possibly just have some African ancestors.

She uncomfortably looks at the camera and speaks.]

Woman: So, what is this? Some kind of emotional blackmail, huh?

[The camera zooms out. She stands in the open doorway of an apartment, in front of a short, heavyset man we know as William Houlder.]

Woman: You thought that if you brought a camera crew along I wouldn't slam the door in your face, is that it?

WH: It... It's not like that, Penny... Th-they just asked if they could come along, is all...

Penny: Yeah, well tough luck, dad. I'm slamming the door in your face anyways.

WH: Wait!

Penny: What?

WH: It's been too long, Penny... We can't have a father-daughter relationship if we never talk.

[Wow. That woman is William Houlder's daughter? The Purse to the Wallet? She must have been adopted or something...]

Penny: You think I want a relationship with you? After what you did to mom? And now that you've started humiliating yourself on TV, you think you're bettering your odds? You're a [MEEP]ing pathetic sack of [MEEP].

[William Houlder painfully sighs.]

WH: Penny...

Penny: You are. All of my friends have a good laugh at your expense, you know. You make a fool of yourself on TV, groveling at a whore's feet. The [MEEP]ing skank is six years younger than I am, dad. I've been building myself up for years with connections, and you singlehandedly [MEEP] everything up for me every week.

WH: Penny-bear.

Penny: No. Just get the [MEEP] out. You're only here because you're in Denver for your show. Otherwise, I wouldn't hear from you. How many times have you called in the past decade, huh?

WH: I... I...

Penny: Once, I think. Maybe twice. You didn't even show up for my doctoral graduation.

WH: You... you graduated?

Penny: A year ago.

WH: Really? So... Doctor Penny Houlder? [He beams proudly.]

Penny: No. Doctor Penelope Zadian. I took mom's name. For [MEEP]'s sakes, you just don't know anything about me. What was my thesis about?

WH: Ehrr... B-business... stuff?

Penny: Not quite. Elite Athlete Management in the field of Combat Sports.

WH: Really?

Penny: Yes. Maybe you should read it. You might learn how to do your own job properly.

WH: B-b...

Penny: Here's a free tip. Always make sure your client needs you, not the other way around.

WH: Penny-bear...

Penny: Call me that again and I'll stuff that tie down your throat.

WH: You... you wrote a thesis on wrestling management and you didn't ask me for advice?

Penny: I interviewed managers who knew what they were talking about. That should give you a clue of some kind.

WH: B...but I managed champions...

Penny: In the 80's. Then you left your wife and child and fled to Europe. That's a heck of a resume.

WH: I... I already-

Penny: I don't give a [MEEP]. Just... just take your camera crew and get the [MEEP] off my porch.

WH: Penny...

Penny: [MEEP] off!

[She slams the door.

The pug-faced William Houlder meekly looks over his shoulder at the camera.]

WH: Well... Br-bringing a camera didn't work. Thanks anyways...

[The paunchy, balding man dejectedly shuffles away as the image fades.]

Pinhead: Man, I really feel for him.

Slush: You shouldn't. He's got Eveline Eriksen to go home too.

Pinhead: That just makes me feel for him even more.

Slush: Hey, when you're rich, you can buy all the happiness you want. Who needs family?

Pinhead: Says the man who claims his son won't be his downfall.

Slush: Don't confuse the issue. I'm saying that money heals all wounds.

Pinhead: Except of the heart.

Slush: Bah. The heart is like the liver. Drink it away and get a new one. Just like Mickey Mantle and Larry Hagman.

[Snap's "The Power" plays, signaling the arrival of Jerry "Pure Power" Titus. He is dressed in a black polo shirt and khakis and walks to the ring with purpose.]

Pinhead: This man will meet with Stan Crawford one final time at SplatterNad. The Death Cycle has been one for the ages. One can only wonder what will happen in the deciding match.

Slush: Somebody will get hurt. Or explode. Has spontaneous human combustion been proven yet?

[Titus retrieves a mic from the ringside table and enters the ring.]

JT: Much of what I have to say, I have to say directly to Stan Crawford... so I'd ask that he come out to the ring and here what I have to say.

["Hey Man, Nice Shot" by Filter plays, as Stan Crawford walks down the aisle. He's wearing a black "MBC" T-Shirt and a pair of track pants. Crawford walks with a noticeable limp, and his SBC title is on his shoulder.]

JT: All right, before you say anything, Stan, I just want to say... it has been an honor to be matched up against one of the all-time greats in MBC. You've taken me to hell and back multiple times and I won't deny you've made me a better man for it.

[Appreciative applause from the fans follows.]

JT: But that being said, Stan, I want you to understand something... when I got the first taste of that gold in your possession, it was a great feeling... admittedly, one I might not have been properly prepared for, as you showed me the second time we faced off.

But I think you've noticed, each time we've been in that ring... as much as you've kept hitting me harder, I've only gotten hungrier for that taste again... and when I got that belt back at 2x4, any worries about me being properly prepared, from that point on, weren't an issue.

Even if you did manage to snatch the belt away from me in that tables match.

But understand this, Stan... I'm the hungriest I've been in this Death Cycle yet... not just because I want to win... not just because I want to be a champion again... but because, for all the talk that goes around about the greats in MBC, and you being one of the first on that list... I intend to put myself on that list as well.

And at SplatterNad, I promise you, Stan, I'm going to do that.

SC: Despite how I look right now, and certainly despite how I FEEL right now, it's been an absolute pleasure to be in this ring with you, Jerry. I think the fans here all appreciate what we've been doing over the past few weeks. My doctor is not a fan of what we're doing, but I stopped listening to him the moment I started wrestling here in the MBC.

I think you're well on your way to being one of the greats here. You've proven yourself in the ring. There are men who have left this company after facing me just once. You keep coming back. I'm getting a bit old for this, as everybody has seen. But this belt means everything to me. I've held it so many times, for so long, that it's become a part of me. It's up for grabs at SplatterNad again. You're going to try to take it from me. It's my job to stop you.

Jerry, you've got a shot at my title at SplatterNad. You also have a shot at the world title in your back pocket. A shot at a belt I've had. A belt that at one time spent an awful lot of time with me. I'd love that belt back. I'm putting my belt up at SplatterNad. How about you put your title shot on the line?

[Titus pauses for a moment... but then he slowly nods his head.]

JT: You know, Stan, I would figure someone who has had that top title in MBC would love nothing more than to get it back... and after I got that title shot at 2x4, I figured you, deep down inside, believe you should have claimed that shot yourself.

So now, you want me to put up that shot in the final match of our Death Cycle?

[Beat.]

JT: I only have three words to say in response to your request...

...consider it done.

[POP! Titus extends the hand to Crawford. Crawford shakes it, and pulls Jerry close. The two men jaw at each other for a few seconds until they are separated by security. Crawford and Titus continue to yell to each other as they are escorted back to the locker room.]

Slush: Oh my god. All the mutual respect and love! Shoot me now!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: You're right! I so want to David Carradine myself.

Pinhead: I didn't think the stakes could be any higher... wait... did you say "David Carradine" yourself?

Slush: Yeah. I'll need a bag of lemons though.

Pinhead: Never mind... the stakes are now higher for the Death Cycle Grand Finale. SBC Title versus a World Title shot. Most importantly, the winner walks away as the winner of the most grueling series of matches ever. That's a huge piece of history.

Slush: So is the Grand Canyon. But I wouldn't care if it was on my resume.

Pinhead: That'd be quite impossible.

Slush: You're right. My awesomeness would knock that hole in the ground off the list.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Not every punch line is a home run! Sue me!

[The words "Following Last TBT" flash on the screen.]

[The scene opens at the hospital room currently housing Jan Delgado. The young woman is laying on a bed, staring forlornly out of the window. She's clad in a tank top and jeans, her arm in a sling and black hair falling straight down her back. She lets out a deep sigh, tears in her eyes, when there's a knock at the door. She turns, wiping her eyes with her good hand.]

Jan: Come in.

[The door opens and Erik Grimsson enters.... Jan immediately sits up, a weak smile crossing her lips. Erik, wearing a pair of ripped and faded blue jeans, black Nike amateur wrestling shoes, and a black "Slayer- Hell Awaits" longsleeve t-shirt, carries candy in one hand flowers in the other. Limping into the room with his left knee still in a brace, Erik nontheless smiles at his friend.]

Erik: Hey Jan. I came as soon as I heard about what happened.

[Erik pauses for a moment, thinking this statement over.]

Erik: Well, actually, I guess I kinda made a stop to get you some stuff first. But after that, I came right over.

Jan: Hey, Erik.

[Erik sets his gifts for Jan on a nearby table.]

Jan: [smiles] And thanks.

[He then takes a seat in the chair near Jan's bed.]

Erik: So, what's the word? How bad is it? I mean, I'm sure Holly and Kiora totally have some nasty payback coming their way from you.

[She looks down at her arm and shakes her head.]

Jan: They say it's dislocated and I could be on the shelf for almost three months. So, it looks like my skank cousin got her wish. She finally ended my MBC career.

[She lets out a bitter laugh.]

Jan: I guess Holly always gets what Holly wants.

[Erik is clearly caught off guard by Jan's statements. However, surprise quickly turns to disappointment.]

Erik: Well...I mean...are you sure that's what you want? You'd totally be throwing away all that hard work and effort you put in to finally get to where you are. Dude, don't get me wrong, I know you're injured and all right now, but it'll get better.

Jan: [sighs] I don't know, Erik. Maybe she was right and I should just give up on all of this. I mean, I've had nothing but trouble since I joined the MBC. Other than the friendship I have with you and Lolita, what else have I done? Be someone's glorified slave? Get myself busted up and injured?

[She shakes her head.]

Jan: I hate to give my cousin her due, but maybe I'm just not cut out for wrestling, after all.

[She shakes her head again. The disappointment on Erik's face becomes more apparent.]

Erik: Unless you're counting your time under Holly, you've barely been in the MBC long enough to do anything. And I mean, come on! Scared of getting hurt? When did you start taking pages out of the Tesla St. James playbook? I mean, dude, if you're going to be in pro wrestling, getting busted up and injured is just something you have to deal with.

Jan: [smiles] I guess you're speaking from experience, huh?

Erik: Look, I'm not trying to push you one way or the other. If you're not really that interested in wrestling, you shouldn't come back. But if you're making this choice simply because of what happened...I mean...I'd just hate to see you quit on yourself so easily. It's a bad habit to get into, you know?

[She sighs, her expression serious.]

Jan: I hear you, Erik, and I appreciate it. You've really given me a lot to think about. And I want to thank you again for everything.

[She reaches over and places a hand on his arm.]

Jan: You've probably been one of the best and most honest people I've ever known.

[Erik nods his head and smiles.]

Erik: Look, I talked to Nina about what happened to you, and if and when you come back, she's going to help you even things out with those two hags. What happened to you out there tonight totally wasn't fair.

[Erik now stands up and starts to walk towards the door.]

Erik: But until then, you just get yourself better, okay? And think about what I said.

Jan: Thanks, Erik. I will.

[Fade]

Pinhead: You know, Erik may want to get his own house in order before helping with others. I hear he's still getting attacked by bounty hunters.

Slush: Heavy is the head that headbangs... or something like that.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: Moving on... really? We're doing these?

Slush: Doing what?

Pinhead: Apparently, the Styx Historical Institute Tabernacle... really? That's what they're called?

Slush: You can never call me out for stupidity ever again.

Pinhead: Not likely.

Slush: Just a suggestion.

Pinhead: Anyways, the Institute wanted to get MBC viewers better acquainted with Styx and it's history. So here is the first of a few "Get to Know You Better" segments.

==================================
STYX, WYOMING: A MOMENT IN HISTORY
==================================

Styx, Wyoming was founded by settlers who were originally members of the infamous Donner Party. Not liking most of the party on the caravan, city founder Jorge La Venganza gathered members of his party and decided that they would turn north. It has long been rumored that Jorge La Venganza hated George Donner with quite a passion and once told Donner to "eat me." After separating, the Styx party eventually found themselves in what would later become the State of Wyoming. The settlers opted to build a settlement because the land they found "hated all the land around it."

==================================

Pinhead: ...

Slush: ...

Tinkle: ...

Pinhead: I'm not going to like this pay per view one bit.

Slush: I hope to God they have liquor stores.

Pinhead: Can we transition to something please?

[From the commentator's table to the interviewing area we go. Standing in front of a large MBC backdrop is on the scene reporter Tawni Northern.]

TN: Thanks guys. Joining me right now is one of tonight's competitor's "Superfly" Susan Davis.

[And just like that, in walks Susan Davis. She's wearing her ring attire, red leather hot pants, red top and black boots, knee and elbow pads. She brushes her hair out of her face, revealing a serious expression.]

TN: Thanks for joining me Susan. I'm told that you had a special challenge to make tonight?

SSD: I did.

[Susan turns to look straight on at the camera.]

SSD: Kathryn. For months... well years, you and the Cordovas have hounded me and my friends. You want me to come back to under your wing but why? I'm not the same Susan you knew all those years ago. Things have changed and I know I have. But you're persisting with this obsession of yours.

You can't help it. That's how you are.

[Susan takes a moment and places her hands on her hips.]

SSD: Thinking about it Kathryn, I know you just as well as you think you know me. And I know for you to leave me alone, outside of my just giving into what you want, I have to show you that I mean business. I have to make a bold move that proves that what I want is what will happen. And that’s just like what you preach in the teachings of the Core. I want you to go away and leave me alone. So to do that, I'm going to be bold. I want a one on one fight at SplatterNad.

In a retirement match.

If I win there like I plan to do both then and tonight, you'll have to crawl back under the rock you came out from and maybe if I'm lucky, you'll take the twins with you. You're a multiheaded snake so maybe if I cut off the head, the body will die.

If I'm lucky.

But it's not about luck Kathryn. It's about showing you the one thing you'll understand.

Dominance.

[Fade back to the announcers.]

Pinhead: A retirement match? That's not just being bold, that's going for the throat.

Slush: Retirement is overrated. You end up finding a new job anyways because you realize you spent your 401K on WNBA stock.

Pinhead: Seriously?

Slush: Umm... theoretically. Yeah...

Pinhead: Still, challenging someone to a retirement match is risky, especially when your would-be opponent is as cutthroat as Kathryn Elyson.

Slush: Just good business.

Pinhead: Hopefully, Susan knows what she's doing.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: And now we head into our second match of the evening.

Slush: Time to gouge out my eyes!

Pinhead; "Supervixen" Ami Tran recently returned from a long sabbatical and immediately sided with "Everyman's Fantasy" Brianna Landis, who was already a thorn in the side of Tara "Sunburst" Marshall.

Slush: Which in itself is super. But Tran turned traitor! She stabbed my son in the back! That's not to be forgiven!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: NEVER FORGET! DON'T TREAD ON ME! VIVA LA ZAPATA!

Pinhead: Viva the shoe?

Slush: No, you fool! Emiliano Zapata Salazar was a leading figure in the Mexican Revolution, which began in 1910. He was a founder and commander of the Liberation Army of the South. Christ Pinhead. Didn't they teach you anything in kindergarten?

Pinhead; Apparently not.

Tinkle: MEEP!

______________________________________________________
/_ __/ __ )_ __/
/ / / __ |/ / "SUPERVIXEN" AMI TRAN versus
/ / / /_/ // / TARA "SUNBURST" MARSHALL
/_/ /_____//_/
|____________________________________Writer: Kyle B. Lee

[All things considered, few people ever consider the temperature inside an arena during a wrestling event. Most places, the air conditioning is carefully monitored to the point where only the few and truly sensitive have a complaint. Now sure, if you sat near where all the pyrotechnics go off, you'd feel that heat. But on normal days during normal times, it simply is not an issue. "Supervixen" Ami Tran had no complaints. The fans did, but those were directed at her, not the degree of warmth in the arena. Slush wanted to vomit but that's more of a personal issue. Things changed however when Tara Marshall made her way down the ring. The fans loved it but things were getting colder. The looks between Tran and Marshall were so cold that the arena felt as if it had dropped twenty degrees. You could feel it in your bones if you were so inclined. And those who looked at T-shirts as a gauge... they had no tact...]

Slush: Man, my nipples are hard. Who cranked the air conditioning?

[Like I said, no tact.]

Slush: [MEEP] you voice in my head!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: Marshall and Tran are keeping their distance from one another. Not unusual given how these women fight. Brawling is neither one's strong suit so running in and attacking would do them no good.

Slush: Makes them different from everyone else. There for, they are to be shunned.

[Feeling the ice begin to form in his own veins, the referee gave a stiff warning to both women about their conduct. They nodded in acknowledgement but it would remain to be seen if they actually held to that. When the bell rang, the violence began. Violence oozed from both women because let’s face it, violence does not freeze. They attacked one another in their respective styles, mixing martial arts and technical wrestling. There was no caution or hesitation. Simply scientific violence. There could be no better explanation for it.]

Pinhead: I may be wrong but I think these two are being extra violent with every maneuver they use.

Slush: Tran isn't much of a brawler so she's got to give it where she can.

Pinhead: Wow, that's actually a very astute observation.

Slush: I did not fart!

Pinhead: Astute. Not "toot". You know what... never mind.

Slush: Enunciate damn you!

[As the match wore on, it became painfully obvious that these two women were concentrating on taking out the other's legs and knees. There's something funny about two people mimicking each other's style. Not quite slapstick... but odd to say the least. Tran used her martial arts more to her advantage but Marshall came at Ami strong with bouts of brawling. Like Slush said, Tran wasn't much of a brawler, so the Vixen was quickly overwhelmed. In these instances, Tran would try and gain distance from her opponent before resuming her attack. It proved to be effective on more than one occasion, including one time where Tran managed to get Tara's leg trapped in the ropes. The resulting assault was quite ruthless. Tara managed to free herself and somehow pulled Tran to the outside of the ring. There the two fiercely fought before Tara knocked Tran right off the apron and to the floor. Tran landed flat on her back, knocking the wind out of her. Seeing an opportunity to do some major damage, Tara dared try an Asai moonsault to the outside of the ring. Tran put up her knees and Tara couldn't protect herself. She crashed hard and there on the cold arena floor, the two women writhed in pain.]

Pinhead: Tara Marshall has tried some risky moves in her time...

Slush: Like procreation with a Landis!

Pinhead: But that move, in such a confined space, that may take the cake.

Slush: So she's a thief of food now too! YOU BITCH!

Pinhead: The referee is counting both women out. I don't really think either is in a condition to move.

[Up to a count of three, the referee waited for any indication that the wrestlers would move. They stirred but it was mostly just a twitch of a neuron, firing off from pain. At five, both women started to turn over. Desperately they crawled from the floor trying to get to the safety of the ring. The ref looked down from above, shouting "SIX" at them both. Tara got to her feet first and placed a hand on the bottom rope. Perhaps she could do it. At the shout of "SEVEN" Tran was up as well. She looked at her opponent and then to the other side of the ring...

...and smiled.]

Pinhead: Brianna Landis just popped out of the crowd!

Slush: Probably lining up tricks!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: She's sneaking around the side of the ring. Neither Marshall nor the referee can see her.

Slush: And wouldn't you know that Tran does! It must be a form of radar! LANDAR!

[Looking forward to play the wildly popular "[MEEP] Over Tara Marshall" game, Tran made quite a boisterous showing for the referee. The count still rolling forward but his attention diverted, Brianna Landis slipped around the corner and swept Marahall's legs out from under her. Tara tumbled backwards as Tran slid into the ring. Brianna scrambled away as Sunburst tried to get back to her feet but it was too late. The referee had reached ten.]

Slush: HA! NOW THAT'S FUNNY!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: It's the lesser of two evils damn you!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: FINE! I won't laugh!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Humorless [MEEP]ing rodent.

Pinhead: Marshall is mad as hell and she's going right after Landis!

Slush: I would so like three birds hit with one incredibly large stone.

[Alas, there would be no payback as the Wrecking Crew was quick to come down. Tran and Landis backed away as the security team members surrounded Marshall, keeping her from her targets. Marshall continued to struggle in order to get at them, alas...]

Pinhead: How much you want to bet that Brianna called in the Wrecking Crew just as she came to the ring. Perfect timing.

Slush :I don't know... the Wrecking Crew may have her on speed dial... 1-800-CAN-SLUT

RING ANNOUNCER: The winner of this match by countout... "SUPERVIXEN" AMU TRAN!

Pinhead: If anything, this just makes things worse between Tara Marshall and her sister-in-law.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: True. You ARE supposed to hate your in-laws.

Pinhead: You're not supposed to.

Slush: Sure you are. It's a fine American tradition. Like belching in church

Pinhead: Umm... right.

Tinkle: BURP!

Slush; See?

Pinhead: Classy.

[Denver, Colorado. Backstage. The Pepsi Center. Here, we find "Mockingbird" Nina Grimsson heading down the hallway, moving with haste. Given the night off, Nina wears a loose black and white camouflage miniskirt, black fishnet stockings with the left knee ripped out, a black "Deicide- Amon: Feasting the Beast" longsleeve t-shirt, and black canvas maryjanes. Wearing her long, black hair down and straight, she appears to be looking for someone.]

Nina: Hmm...now where could she be?

[That someone could very well be "Superfly" Susan Davis who, as it turns out, isn't that far away. Dressed in her red leather wrestling attire, Davis is with a group of reporters who are likely getting the scoop on Susan's earlier challenge to Kathryn Elyson.]

SSD: With her, you have to show you mean business. Otherwise, you won't get through to her.

[Seeing Susan, Nina stops, letting her finish her interviews. Once she has finished and the reporters have dispersed, Nina then makes her way to Susan.]

Nina: Hey, what's up? I've been looking for you. You ready for your match tonight?

[Susan smiles as Nina approaches and stretches out her arms in preparation for that very match.]

SSD: Been looking forward to it for two weeks. I'm tired of getting [MEEP]ed on

[Nina smiles, nodding her head.]

Nina: I'll bet you have. But don't worry about Elyson and the twins [MEEP]ing on you. You'll show them a thing or two out there tonight.

[Susan gives Nina a look, wondering if she's serious in what she says. But it’s only a moment. Susan takes comfort in the fact that she can take Nina for her word.]

SSD: Glad to hear somebody thinks I can. Not a lot of people have much faith in my ability anymore.

[Nina thinks this over a bit, then half shrugs/half nods.]

Nina: Well, in fairness, for a long time, you haven't shown your ability much for a long while. Think of this as the beginning of letting them know that you haven't lost a step.

SSD: I'm a former UWF and MBC Women's Champion. That should count for something.

[Susan stretches forward, curving her back.]

SSD: Maybe your brother will see me in a different light after this match too. I think I want to prove him wrong more than anybody else.

[Nina giggles a bit at this, knowing what Susan is referring to.]

Nina: Look, I know your upset, and that's understandable. But I've got news for you, Susan. What you've done in the past doesn't get you any special treatment. You have to keep showing you belong at the top. And take it easy on poor Erik, okay? He's been going through a lot, and he's hard enough on himself as it is without us adding to it. He wants to believe you, he just hasn't seen it yet. So this would be a great chance to show him.

SSD: He brings a lot of it on himself you realize right?

[Nina seems a bit perplexed by this response from Susan.]

Nina: Um...no, I don't realize it. Care to explain?

[Susan lets out a breath and shakes her head.]

SSD: Don't worry about it. Not worth the trouble. I've got to stay focused on Kathryn anyways. Erik will be Erik as always.

[Nina clearly wants to discuss this more, but decides not to really press Susan on this at the moment.]

Nina: Well, I'll just say this. If you're referring to what happened with Tesla, that was ninety percent her fault. And I'll be happy to tell her that and give her the reasons why if she has a problem with me saying that.

[Nina now sighs, letting it go.]

Nina: But you're right. Stay focused on Kathryn. Erik will make sure to keep Crimson occupied. He's really pissed about what's been happening to you at the hands of Elyson and the twins as well as what Holly and Kiora did to Jan.

[Now its Susan's turn to show some doubt. But she lets it go.]

SSD: As long as he avoids any more bounty hunters on the way to the ring, we should be fine. It'll be a good warm up for our respective matches at SplatterNad.

[Nina shakes her head chuckling.]

Nina: After last week, Erik will probably decide to take a few scalps of his own. As far as your matches at SplatterNad, tonight should be a good indicator of what to expect.

SSD: I hear you got signed to a match too. Against Dalbello?

[Nina nods.]

Nina: I do. Way too long overdue, as well. She and I have been at each other's throats since we were both back in Japan. Let's just say, our matches can get very ugly. But I've also got another ass to kick up between a pair of shoulder blades.

SSD: I don't think I've heard anybody talk more trash than her. And I'm sure you'll do well, as always. Anyways, I think I need to find Erik so we can get ready for our match.

Nina: You do that. Meanwhile, I hope that stupid [MEEP], Eveline Eriksen crosses my path. I've a bit of a bone to pick with her.

SSD: I think a few people do. You may have to get in line.

Nina: What I have to say to her is brief, so I'm sure a cut in the line can be forgiven. I'd just like to clarify to that piece of Eurotrash that my brothers and me are proud, red-blooded AMERICANS. NOT Swedes. Regardless, good luck out there. I'm sure you and Erik will do great.

SSD: Don’t worry. We will.

[Fade.]

Pinhead: Hear that? We've got another match signed for SplatterNad 2009! Long time rivals Dalbello Rage and "Mockingbird" Nina Grimsson will be locking it up inside our ring.

Slush: Wow! Did not see this coming!

Pinhead: You don't care do you.

Slush: Not really.

Pinhead: Despite that, this really is no surprise. These two women despise one another, not just here in the MBC but everywhere else they go. They've locked horns a few times in the MBC as a part of a tag team match but this will be the first time they'll get to go one on one.

Slush: So... the lady with the perfect ass versus the lady who's brother is an ass?

Pinhead: However you want to put it.

Slush: There are plenty of ways I could put it. That's just the first.

Pinhead: Great. Really. I assure you.

Tinkle: MEEP!

[The backstage corridors and passageways of the Pepsi Center all look alike to the uninitiated eye, so it's hard to pinpoint with any accuracy exactly where we've cut to. What is clear, however, is that the cameraman is traveling through these corridors with great haste, trying to keep up with the pair speed-walking away in front of him. One is a short, portly quinquagenarian known to most as William Houlder, the other is a tall, shapely, and beautiful Norwegian recognized as the "Viking Vixen" Eveline Eriksen.

She's wearing white sweatpants, today, the kind that hides everything while simultaneously leaving nothing to the imagination. This means the MBC's male demographic won't notice her facial expressions as quickly as they'd notice her mammarian or gluteal expressions. They are subtle, but they're there. They are if you look long enough, justifying the need to stare longingly.]

EE: Where is she?

WH: Huh-Huh-Honey. She doesn't have a match, so I... I ass, ass-assume she's not here.

[Eriksen is angry.

It makes her look hot.]

EE: With all the men around here, I doubt Ginger Slut could stay away.

[Very few women can look that hot when angered. Holly Hotbody can pull it off as well, though.]

EE: She couldn't even keep her hands off you.

WH: W-Well, s-see... It wasn't what it looked like, Leena...

EE: Save your spit for someone who cares, Wallet. You know I never forgive.

[Hmmm... Wonder if Eveline and Holly have ever met.

If they did, was it at the beach?]

WH: N-no, but see... I-I...I said I was sorry... and the necklace... the d..., the diamond...

EE: What? Did you really think I couldn't tell the difference between a diamond and cubic zirconium?

[Maybe Eveline and Holly would apply solar cream on each other. That'd be pretty hot. But would it be hotter if they were angry, too?

Maybe they could lather each other up angrily... in the name of science or something.]

WH: Oh. ... B-but I was hoping to put a real diamond once... once the next-

EE: You gave me a FAKE necklace? How dare you give me a fake necklace!

WH: What? ... But you said you could tell...

EE: I can make you tell me, and you did. From now on, everything you give me goes straight to the appraiser's, Wallet.

[Houlder turns as white as Eveline's blouse. 'Course, the blouse looks infinitely better on account of what it barely manages to keep contained... There's a staffer, nearby, who also seems to be hypnotized by the captivating charisma of camisole cantaloupes.

He does not escape the Viking Vixen's notice.]

EE: Hey, you. Where is Ginger Slut?

Staffer, drooling: Yes... right away...

EE: I asked you a question.

Staffer: Hmm?

EE: Up here. Where's Ginger Slut?

Staffer: Who's Gin-

WH: Its It's it's Tesla St. James, sir.

Staffer: You guys are looking for her too?

EE: Who else is looking for her?

[Ooh, please say Holly Hotbody and a bottle of solar cream!]

Staffer: You know, that girl that got injured the other time.

[Aww, too bad.]

EE: Akeyla Ruiz?

Staffer: Right, yeah. Her.

[You know... if Akeyla has a bottle of solar cream, this still might turn out well...]

EE: Where is she?

Staffer: Again, I don't know where St. James is. I ain't seen her.

EE: Where is Akeyla Ruiz, idiot.

Staffer: Oh. Right. Yeah. Um... She, like, went over there.

EE: How long ago?

Staffer: A minute or two, maybe?

EE: That's nice. Now get out of my way.

Staffer: Hmm?

[Before he can comply, the staffer is shoved aside, and Eveline is on the move at a brisk pace, which is good since it makes the jiggly parts jiggle.]

WH: Hun-honey? Wh-what are you doing?

EE: I want to hurt Ginger Slut, Wallet.

WH: Yes, but I-I've already asked for a match, Leena. They-they'll make it happen. Eriksen VS St. James, honey... they, they said it would happen.

EE: I want to hurt Ginger Slut _right_ _now_. Your match would be too far away in the future- Ah!

[That last exclamation is justified by Akeyla Ruiz's presence near the catering tables. Her arm is in a sling, but otherwise she looks much better. Unfortunately, she does not seem to be wearing a skimpy bikini, nor is she holding a bottle of solar cream. Sucks, right?

Ruiz is frowning as well, though probably not for the same reason.]

AK: What do you want? Come to give me another teddy bear?

EE: What teddy bear.

AK: I knew it. I knew you weren't really apologizing.

EE: Apologizing for what? The referee gave you the chance to forfeit. The injury is your fault.

AK: Our rematch can't come soon enough. Just as soon as I'm done rehabbing this shoulder...

EE: Should I wait for you to be trained by a competent trainer, too?

AK: Tesla is the best trainer to be found.

EE: Sad. Too poor to afford a proper trainer, huh? But speaking of the Ginger Slut, where is she?

AK: I don't know. I haven't seen her. But if I had, I'm pretty sure she'd have a message for you.

EE: Oh yeah, what?

[With her good arm, Akeyla forcefully slaps Eveline's beautiful face. The Viking Vixen's face goes from shocked, to blank, to fuming. For those who might have been wondering, her breasts remained their glorious selves the whole way. ]

EE: I see.

WH: Kuh... k-calm down, Leena...

[Ruiz boasts a defiant "what are you gonna do about it" attitude.]

EE: Many have been wondering if I intentionally injured you or not, Akeyla. So let me just take a moment to clear the air.

WH: Hunny... don't!

[Eriksen grabs one of the steel chairs next to the catering tables, then winds up for a mighty shot. However, she hits the camera on the back swing, and the screen suddenly goes black.]

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Now THAT is how you stand up for yourself!

Pinhead: I'm glad to see Akeyla stood...

Slush: Not her! Eveline!

Pinhead: What?

Slush: Eveline is a precious angel that is constantly bad mouthed. I'm glad she can take it all in stride and swing it right back at people.

Pinhead: You really pick the worse people to support.

Slush: If nobody cheers on the underdog, then what does that say about us as human beings?

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: "Underhamster" just sounds wrong. Or German. Not sure...

Pinhead: Let's not overlook another issue here. Another match has been signed for SplatterNad 2009. Tesla St. James versus Eveline Eriksen. These two women have tried to tear each other apart but something keeps them separated. That won't be the case in Styx.

Slush: Nothing some baby oil won't fix.

Pinhead: Whatever. Let's just... oh come on! Really? Another one?

Slush: What now?

Pinhead: We've got another historical segment about Styx.

Slush: Let me shut down my brain...

Pinhead: Such an easy opening...

==================================
STYX, WYOMING: A MOMENT IN HISTORY
==================================

When Wyoming became a state in 1890, Styx was one of the few townships who voted against statehood. The resentment would grow for generations and would later resurface when Quebec tried to secede from Canada in 1995. Styx thought it was a great idea and tried to secede from the United States. The federal government denied Styx secession and told them to "sit down and shut the hell up!"

==================================

Pinhead: I'm really starting to question the accuracy of these historical segments.

Slush: I can totally buy that one. I mean, Japanese and British Parliaments have fist fights all the time.

Pinhead: True, but still... I'd hope the U.S. would have more decorum.

Slush: The United States is loud and abrasive. We're all about rock n'roll and defending freedom. It's why we're loved in the Middle East you know.

Pinhead: I don't know if "love" is the right word.

Slush: Trust Slush on this one.

Pinhead: I don't know if "trust" is the right word...

"It's Holly, [Meep]!"

[Suddenly, "Gimme More" by Britney Spears begins to play and the curtains part, revealing Holly Hotbody. Holly is clad in a black, string bikini and heels, her auburn hair falling down her back. Immediately, she is showered with boos, although her bikini-clad figure draws more than it's fair share of catcalls too. Perverts! There is a forlorn expression on her face as she descends the ramp and listlessly makes her way down the aisle, oblivious to the outstretched hands of the fans. She makes her way up the ringside stairs and makes a show of entering the ring through the top and middle ropes. She gestures for a microphone and is handed one by a ringside attendant as the music dies. She takes a deep breath and sighs before speaking.]

Holly: Ladies and gentleman, I'm here to relay very sad news. It is about something that only about two of you in the audience probably even care about. See, I have come to announce the end of the career of my cousin, Jan Delgado.

[The crowd jeers as Holly suddenly smirks.]

Holly: Honestly, it wasn't much of a career to begin with anyway. You would have to agree with me. A fluke win here, constant beatdowns there.

[She waves her free hand.]

Holly: So, many could say that I actually did her a favor. See, I tried to warn the poor, little idiot. But she just wouldn't listen. She continued to test my patience and resolve with her foolishness. So, I did what anyone in my situation would do. I had to teach her a lesson. I put her through my gauntlet and, when she wouldn't just give it up, I made sure that she was taken care of permanently.

[The crowd boos and Holly shrugs her shoulders.]

Holly: I know. I know. Harsh, right? Just consider it my version of tough love. Jan had to learn that you just don't screw with your obvious superiors. Now, since me and Kiora beat some sense into her at the last show, Jan effectively won the match and gauntlet by disqualification. Unfortunately, she's now suffered a dislocated elbow for her troubles.

[The smirk widens.]

Holly: I guess another lesson she learned is being careful what she wishes for!

[Holly lets out a cackle.]

Holly: So, I guess it's a foregone conclusion that my dance card is officially free at SplatterNad. As a result, I have pu...

[Suddenly, "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne plays and the crowd cheers. Holly frowns and eyes the ramp, where Jan Delgado steps. The young woman wears a white tank top and pleated, plaid mini skirt, completing the look with black boots. Her black hair falls straight down her back and her arm in a sling, a microphone in her good hand. There's a look of pure hatred in her eyes as she glares at her cousin.]

Holly: Just what in...

Jan: Shut it, [Meep]!

[The crowd cheers as Holly scowls.]

Jan: I've got some unfortunate news of my own for you, Holly. Your dance card's not free, 'cause we're on at SplatterNad.

[Holly's mouth opens in shock as the crowd erupts.]

Holly: What...but...your arm...

Jan: Yeah, has been dislocated, thanks to you and your equally skanktastic friend. But I went to Kyle Lee and told him that it didn't matter. See, I bet him that I could beat a cheap hooker like you with one arm tied behind my back. And he agreed to let me prove it at SplatterNad. So, whatever else you had planned, cancel it. Cause me and you? Are going to fight. And I can't wait to [MEEP] [MEEP] your [MEEP] [MEEP] in a [MEEP]in' [MEEP], [MEEP]!

Holly: But...the gauntlet...

Jan: I won that, remember? Isn't that what you just admitted? So, there are no more excuses. You made my life a living Hell since I came here. Now, it's your turn to burn.

[Holly sniffs.]

Holly: Fine! You want me at Splatternad? You got me! But I won't take it easy on you. Because, this time, I won't just dislocate your arm. I'm going to freakin' break it off! And then we'll see if you can bounce back from that!

Jan: You're more than welcome to try. In fact, it should be your number one strategy. But if it doesn't work, if you can't beat me down like you think you can, may Go
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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[Camera cut to the interior of a large dressing room -- Crimson's dressing room, if the bank of monitors directly in our line of sight is any indication. Each monitor is playing some different match of either Erik Grimsson's or Susan Davis's... and sure enough, the camera turns and there's Crimson in full wrestling regalia--red shirt, black pants, black fingerless gloves, boots and elbow pads--studying the monitors closely. He's not alone.

Standing nearby is Kathryn Elyson, dressed head to toe in her deep red leather. She too watches the monitors closely but her hands directs to various moments of Susan Davis action.]

KE: And you see there? And there? She has much more hesitation now than she did then. It's a small hole but it's exploitable. Her aggression is gone... her fire... her desire... all wiped away...

Crimson: Maybe. Let's not underestimate her. This is, after all, her chance to get a real shot at you. Can you take her down even if she's filled with rage?

KE: I know her like the back of my hand. Her being enraged won't make a bit of difference. She is a kitten. Hardly a tiger.

[At this point Kiora Donavon enters the scene, dressed in jean shorts, Hand of Doom t-shirt and sandals. Arriving just in time to hear Kathryn's last statement, Kiora arches an eyebrow as though surprised by Kathryn's overconfidence. Not that she's one to talk of course.]

Kiora: Is it wise to be so overconfident? Susan Davis has proven to be troublesome in the past and who knows what she's picked up from St. James.

[Surprisingly Kiora sounds quite reasonable. Though she seems to have no great affection for Kathryn Elyson, nor does she seem to hold any animosity toward her either. Indeed, this seems to be a rare moment of Kiora trying to be genuinely helpful if only because it might help the Hand of Doom for her to be so.]

KE: I'd imagine the only thing Susan has picked up from St. James is rash. While Susan is brighter than most people think, her talents do not lie in wrestling.

[Kathryn smirks and points to a televised image of the other wrestler in this equation...]

KE: Susan has become a bleeding heart. And her heart bleeds for that man...

[Erik Grimsson.]

KE: She'll be more concerned for him than for herself. Yet another hole to exploit.

Crimson: You'd best listen to Kiora, Kathryn. Susan's protective to a fault, yes. And her faith in her friends is her weakness. But you've threatened her career...

[Kathryn starts to speak, but Crimson interrupts her.]

Crimson: ...And she threatens yours. The Hand of Doom is doing you a favor, Kathryn, but that cuts both ways. I would be very upset if we lost you... and even more upset if we lost you due to hubris. Understand?

KE: I understand completely. And I shall carry the Hand of Doom banner high and proud entering this "retirement match" at SplatterNad.

[Kathryn then nods back to an image of Susan Davis on the screen.]

KE: I assure you. I will not disappoint. I am confident for good reason. But do not mistake that for me being lackluster in effort. I will bring all that I have to this match. And in doing so, I will make good on my word.

Kiora: Just so long as you're not overconfident Kathryn. It would be a horrible thing if Susan Davis came out of this match unmangled, I've been looking forward to seeing the look on St. James' face once Davis is retired.

[Kiora grins wickedly, always happy to take enjoyment from the misfortunes suffered by the enemies of the Hand of Doom.]

Crimson: We're all in agreement, then. One last thing...

[Crimson brings his full attention to the bank of monitors showing Grimmson's wrestling.]

Crimson: Bend him, Kathryn, but don't break him. I want him able to wrestle at SplatterNad... but not after it.

KE: That I can do. There are things that can be done that hurt worse than they truly are.

[Kiora arches an eyebrow at that comment.]

Kiora: I'll be sure to take notes then. Perhaps I can learn something to use against Leanna.

[No, she's not being sarcastic. Kiora Donavon is behaving herself, at least for the moment.]

[Kathryn seems to brighten at the prospect.]

KE: Then my dear Kiora, you and I should talk. There are many things I'd enjoy showing you.

Crimson: Elsewhere, ladies. I've got a little more studying to do.

[As Kathryn and Kiora depart, the camera fades out.]

Pinhead: And it appears that Kathryn Elyson has in fact accepted Susan Davis' challenge of a retirement match. And she's all kinds of confident to boot.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Wearing leather makes you confident?

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: So what you're saying is that PETA is over compensating for a lack of self image and self love?

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: That explains so much.

Pinhead: Sure... and we also have more insight into the match teaming Elyson and Crimson to face Davis and Grimsson.

Slush: Fur isn't murder. Fur is wrapping yourself in self confidence!

[The scene begins with a chest. not the wooden variety sadly. There is no treasure to be found within. No, this is a chest of flesh. Smooth as can be. And sorry guys, this isn't a segment with Eveline Eriksen. This is more of a segment for the ladies out there. This wide muscular chest belongs to the massive Jonas "Dutch" Elm.

Elm stands there, simmering with rage and silent. The camera pans back and we see two additional people, both standing in front of the tree like behemoth.

One is Deanna Orlofski, manager to the Neon Knights and Elm. She wears a tight fitting business suit but if you get caught looking, Elm is likely to eat you.

The other person standing here is Billy "Scud" McKenzie. He holds a microphone out to Orlofski but Elm's imposing size obviously has him jittery... well more so than usual.]

DO: I think this is the point where you ask a question Mr. McKenzie.

Scud: Umm...

[Elm doesn't wait for the question to come. Instead he lifts Scud into the air by his shoulders. Quite easily too. Orlofski reaches off screen and produces a chair. Elm sets Scud down so that the two face one another eye to eye.

Scud's presence however is just a formality. Elm wrenches the microphone from Scud's tiny hand and speaks.]

Elm: Reznor! I've waited months for this. Finally I will be able to wrap my hands around your neck and squeeze till it pops. You have the look of the kind of man I detest.

Your history disgusts me.

Your looks disgust me.

Your very existence is vile. And it very well may be my mission on this planet to rid the Earth of you. A blight is what you are and it will be I who will cut you down. I could smell your foulness that first night in Stampede and it has lingered in my nose like sulfur.

I will be rid of you.

Tonight, I will soften you up. And then, at SplatterNad, I will put you to a merciless end. You cannot stop it. You can only brace yourself for what is to come. Speak no more about ambitions for the World Title. Speak no more of who is next on your list. Anything beyond my name on your list is meaningless as you won't get past me. Not tonight. Not ever.

[Elm hands the microphone back to Scud...

...and just shoves him off the chair.]

Elm: Let us find the Knights. We have meaningless creatures to cull.

[Elm walks away, stomping the ground with each step. Deanna smirks, realizing she made a wise investment in signing the big man. She follows Elm, leaving Scud in a crumpled pile on the ground.

Fade.]

______________________________________________________
/_ __/ __ )_ __/
/ / / __ |/ / MIKE REZNOR and THE DREAMS versus
/ / / /_/ // / JONAS ELM and THE NEON KNIGHTS
/_/ /_____//_/
|____________________________________Writer: Kyle B. Lee


[Cat calls for the most part dominated the boo's when Deanna Orlofski lead her men down to the ring. Ronald and Jim Purcell followed closely behind Deanna, mostly to stay away from the monstrous Elm. Ronald was calm and focused while the overly hyper Jim was a ball of energy. With as much energy as this dude burns, it's no wonder his hair is so thin and falling out. There may not be a proven link between the two but I dare you to prove me wrong! And of course, there was Jonas Elm. If Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster mated, they’d have a daughter who would go to prom with this dude.]

Slush: Such a horrible image!

Pinhead: From the man who has blinded many with images of his own.

Slush: I blind people with greatness!

Tinkle: MEEP!

[With the three wrestlers in the ring and Deanna standing on the outside, the stage was set for their opponents to come down. Mike Reznor wasted no time, wanting a piece of Elm. The big man ran surprisingly quick to the ring and went right after "Dutch" once there. Vic Parker and Brandon Young were close behind him and got right at it with the Neon Knights. The ref signaled for the bell, not that it did a lot of good. It was a wild six man brawl from the very onset and it seemed like it would remain that way for the entirety of the match.]

Pinhead: Both the Knight and Dreams are limited in a wild brawl like this. They don't have the room to fly like they normally do. Elm and Reznor take up too much space.

Slush: Probably all that BBQ Reznor eats.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: I'm not sure what Elm eats...

[Slush gazes at Elm.]

Slush: Cannibal?

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: No doubt.

[Cannibal or not, Elm was a force to be reckoned with. After a brief moment of having Reznor stalled in the corner, Elm stepped away to give Parker a big boot over the top rope and a scoop slam to Young. Both Purcells then went to the outside to focus their attack on Vic. Young came around and exited the ring to help out his brother, leaving the ring to the two bigger men. Reznor came alive from the corner, colliding with Elm like two planets falling into one another's orbit. The match itself was more manageable for the referee but the official had to stay aware as an errant fist or arm would surely knock him out. And wouldn't you know? It did! Reznor reached back for a mighty haymaker but in the process he clocked the ref in the face with an elbow. ]
Slush: Watch for limbs! HA!

Pinhead: ...

Slush: Get it? Get it?

Tinkle: ...

Slush: [MEEP] you guys for not recognizing my genius.

[The zebra shirt down, Deanna Orlofski took this moment in time to interfere. She grabbed a nearby chair and swung it right into Parker’s back. It was a loud clang, however, there just wasn't enough force to prove effective. Parker turned to face Orlofski who quickly ran for her life from a pursuing Parker. While Reznor checked on the official, Elm slipped to the outside and greeted Parker with a boot as Orlofski passed. The back of Vic's skull hit the arena floor, nearly knocking him out. It was enough however for Elm to lift the Dream up and slide him into the ring. Reznor joined Elm on the outside, leaving Parker as the only wrestler in the ring. Being the smart one, Ronald Purcell left Brandon Young to his brother and slipped into the ring. Ronald pulled Parker up and executed the Angry Machine. Orlofski managed to wake the referee just in time for him to count to three for the pinfall.]

RING ANNOUNCER: The winners of this match by pinfall... JONAS ELM AND THE NEON KNIGHTS!!!

Pinhead: Things have completely broken down at ringside!

Slush: SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE IS NO BAR-B-QUE?

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: The Wrecking Crew is on its way but folks... the first hour is done. Let us get this mess cleared and we'll be back shortly!

Slush: With a special segment from me!

Pinhead: God help us all.

[Sweet, merciful black. We spend several seconds bathing it before words that can only serve to trouble MBC officials and lawyers hit the screen:

"THE FOLLOWING PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY"

and as those bold white words fade out, fading in a blue Amity logo. That fades and the image of One-Winged Angel sitting in the Amity locker-room table comes into view. He wears a leather jacket, a "Free Amity" t-shirt, black jean shorts, shades and has his trusty cane in tow.]

1WA: We here at Amity and the Mighty Bastard Championship are heavy advocates of social activism. Coming up on our great nation's birthday, it's important for us to get out and make our voices heard. To move for change. To make our world a better place.

[The "Bastard Legend" stand and sets his cane aside.]

1WA: However, there's a time and a place for that. None of which include outside the club, when I'm coming off a jet, or on the driveway of my house. I'm talking to you animals in PETA.

[Now that the MBC lawyers know which speed dial number to press.]

1WA: You ask me what did that furry little forest animal ever do to me? It looked great as a chinchilla doormat and wouldn't last more than three weeks before I had to buy another one. You ask me what did that cow ever do to me. It nourished me, gave me nutrients, tasted great on a sesame seed bun with a dash of that damn pig from Charlotte's Web! Oh, and it looks damn good on me right now, don't it?

[Angel smirks and he shows off his leather to the world.]

1WA: I understand you little bleeding heart liberals claim to be value life. But do you really? Do you value that poor innocent head of lettuce or those non-threaten tomatoes in your little wussy salads? Does it bother you to massacre our amber wheys of grain, you unAmerican pansies? How about those innocent plankton you purify out of your precious bottled water? If you valued life the way you claimed, you'd stop eating and drinking altogether.

"But that's inhumane," you say. Hey, I never said I valued the lives of others, especially not yours.

[Angel glares for a quick moment before flashing another smile. He walks a bit to right and stops in front of a dry erase board.]

1WA: But being the instrument of redemption and forgiveness that I am, I'm going to offer you solutions and better causes to get behind. Hell, I'll even assure you don't even have to change your acronym while you move up to acting respectable for once. For starters, you can be People for the Ethical Treatment of...

[He grabs a Sharpie and writes down the word "ACCOUNTANTS."]

1WA: ...Accountants. The poor innocent people are the backbone of the American economy. There are plenty of your bitter, poor, worthless bastards out there sitting in unemployment lines claiming they ruined the country and cost you everything. You idiots don't even know loss. They lost summer homes, yachts, imported sports cars and Portuguese mistresses. You just so happened to lose your little crappy two bedroom apartment, your fat wife and your used car. And for what? Doing their jobs in taking advantage of the fact you people are dumber than Helen Keller's vocal chords?

HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THE TRULY SUFFERING!!

[1WA shakes his head into the camera.]

1WA: PETA, you could finally educate the masses to the plight of these unfairly demonized heroes of our society.

[1WA writes another word on the board. This one is...]

1WA: [MEEP]holes. [MEEP]holes are wrongly discriminated against in every culture. And for what crime? Telling you the truth's the rest of you are too scared to face. People always claim to value honesty, but never appreciate a truly honest person. A person that will tell you if that dress makes you look fat.

[He quickly scribbles "Susan Davis".]

1WA: Tell you that was dumbest idea you've ever had in your life.

[He quickly scribbles "MBC Jobbers."]

1WA: To tell you that you can't keep your crappy-assed wrestling promotion open for more than two years at time, even when you've had the greatest talents in the industry passing through for some strange act of God.

[He quickly scribbles "Lee."]

1WA: PETA can bring back American values by teaching people to support the [MEEP]holes they see everyday. Finally, I suggest the most noble cause you can get behind.

[He wipes off the dry erase board and in large letters writes out "AMITY."]

1WA: Amity. No more noble nor valuable creation on this planet has suffered the needless injustice that plagued Amity. Ungrateful, underachieving whores selling us out. Ungrateful, underachieving management disrespected the fact we account for over a quarter of MBC profits on our own. Ungrateful, irrelevant broads moving in on MY SplatterNad main event. Ungrateful, unworthy World Champions not acknowledging we're the only people keeping his sorry ass relevant. An ungrateful, incompetent owner that wrongfully suspends my homeboys and fires the one woman on the entire roster with any vision. Again wrongfully and what our lawyers shall make financially crippling.

[1WA's smirks leaves and he becomes serious.]

1WA: If you people really want to get behind something, get behind Amity. Or prepared to be run over by a cause more worthy than you.

[With that, 1WA walk to the camera and writes an "A" on the lens before walking off. The camera fades back to the Amity logo...then to black.]
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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[Returning from commercial break, we're back to within the city limits of Styx, Wyoming. The sun is almost down, the twilight making things hard to see. But thanks to modern camera technology, we can see just fine. And what we see... or rather who we see is Skullhead, still making his way up the long road to Styx.]

Skullhead: This is the last time I trust William Shatner to book my trips.

[So much for ever getting Priceline.com as a sponsor.

Regardless, Skullhead walks. It's a dark and lonely road until we hear the roar of an engine. From the direction of the city comes an old beat up truck. He's obviously speeding and heading right for Skullhead. Before Skullhead can even think to dive out of the way, the truck comes to a screeching halt, just feet away from where our favorite commentator stands.]

Skullhead: Hey! Watch where you're going!

[The door to the truck opens and out comes a one-armed man. He's a bit cockeyed and maybe he has the right to be, having one arm and all. He babbles incomprehensibly while looking at Skullhead and walks to the back of his truck. He reaches into the bed with his mighty one arm and yanks out a black trash bag. He tosses it on the side of the road where it busts wide open. But he does it not just once.

Not just twice.

But three times.

Skullhead looks at this one armed man, perhaps about to give a speech concerning being green and proper waste disposal. But the cockeyed man shoots back a gaze that would freeze your very soul. He reaches back for one more bag and tosses it right at Skullhead.

Much like the rest of the bags, they bust wide open, covering Skullhead in trash. Coffee grounds, banana peels and a massive quantity of... DVD's?]

Skullhead: "Porn Your Way to Better Abs"? The hell?

[The one armed man cackles as he lifts up his shirt to reveal the six pack abs that the video provided for him. He then hops back into his truck. He guns the engine and takes off back to Styx, leaving Skullhead in a pile of trash.]

Skullhead: I hate this town already.

[Fade to intro.]

______ __ ___ __ __
/_ __/_ _____ ______/ /__ ___ __/ _ )/ /__ ___ ___/ /_ __
/ / / // / -_|_-< _ / _ `/ // / _ / / _ Y _ Y _ / // /
/_/ \_,_/\__/___|_,_/\_,_/\_, /____/_/\___|___|_,_/\_, /
/_ __/_ ____/___/___/ /__ ___ __ /___/
/ / / // / -_|_-< _ / _ `/ // /
/_/ \_,_/\__/___|_,_/\_,_/\_, /
/___/



J u n e 3 0 t h , 2 0 0 9

P e p s i C e n t e r

D e n v e r , C o l o r a d o

H o u r T w o


[The logo fades and we're taken right back to the remaining Unholy Three. Pinhead looks perplexed, obviously trying to figure out what he just saw transpire with Skullhead. Slush on the other hand is talking to one of his agents of R.U.N.T., Snowflake.]

Slush: Do you have a status update or not?

Snowflake: It's almost done boss.

Slush: What's the hold up?

Snowflake: We're trying to get to the last shot. Snowcone wants to do a star wipe while Eskimo Raul wants to do a fade. I thought...

Slush: Just go with whatever. This thing will sell like crazy no matter how you edit it.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: The hamster has a point. Do you have his guest commentary track put in?

Snowflake: Yes boss.

Slush: Then go knock it out. I want to make sure we can start selling before the end of the show.

Snowflake: Yes boss.

[With that, Snowflake scuttles away, disappearing underneath the ring...]

Pinhead: What the hell was that?

Slush: My boys in R.U.N.T. are taking care of a surprise I have for everyone.

Pinhead: And they're doing that under the ring?

Slush: You ever see "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe"?

Pinhead: Yeah...

Slush: That dude got the concept from a wrestling ring. There's a whole other dimension under there...

Pinhead: ...

Slush: Tinkle's been there. He knows.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: See?

[The lights in the arena go dim... and then several spotlights of varying colors swirl around the arena as "Thunder and Blazes," the famous circus song, plays. A ringmaster walks down the ramp followed by a long procession of some very odd-looking men and women.

The Ringmaster -- complete with a deep red coat with tails, tuxedo shirt and bow tie, black pants, white gloves, and tall black top hat, produces his own microphone as his companions stand behind in a line. The Ringmaster strokes his spit-curled black mustache and, finally, as "Thunder and Blazes" reaches its climax, he bows as all the spotlights center on him and his retinue.]

Ringmaster: LADIES.. AND... GENTLEMEEEEEEEEEEEN! I call myself Mister Sullivan, but you may call me the Ringmaster... and as the Ringmaster, it is my deepest, sincerest honor to introduce you to the new batch of preliminary fighters for this fine, fine league. They are Sullivan's Circus of Abnormal Bastardry!

[Confused pop. The Ringmaster smiles.]

Ringmaster: FIRST! A man who some of you have already met, for he certainly leaves an impression... AMISH SHAFT!

[And sure enough, Amish Shaft steps from the line... dressed in fine Amish gear done in leather, and sporting a large 'fro. He looks, stiffly, around at the crowd, and steps back into line again.]

Ringmaster: Amish Shaft is a tougher customer than he appears to be, ladies and gentlemen, but Sullivan's Circus has need for a more refined approach... which is why we have hired on our master of disguise, JED SNEDLEY, MAN OF A THOUSAND FACES!

[Jed steps forward, dressed exactly the same as Sullivan. He then steps back.]

Ringmaster: Our final solo men's competitor and a SMASHING technical wrestler with an eye for showmanship and sleight of hand, THRIFTO THE AFFORDABLE!

[A man in classic magician's attire steps forward, shows nothing is up either tuxedo sleeve... and then with a wave of his wand and a magic word, "MEEP," a dove bursts from Amish Shaft's afro. Amish Shaft is not amused. Thrifto steps back into line.]

Ringmaster: Ah, but the Mighty Bastard Championship doesn't have just male wrestlers, does it? Oh no! A robust women's roster requires a robust response! And so with great pleasure, I introduce you to the mysterious gypsy fortune teller, MADAME ZARTA!

[A curvy woman in wispy gypsy clothes steps forward, her face partially obscured by a veil. She does a quick spinning swirl of a dance, bows deeply, and steps back.. hypnotically jingling the bells on her wrists and ankles. Sullivan turns to the crowd and waggles his eyebrows at Zarta's obvious sex appeal.]

Ringmaster: But for someone with a bit more brawn, we have BERTHA SCHLITZ, THE BEARDED LADY!

[What steps forward is only a woman in the strictest medical sense. She is tall, she is thick, she has a beard, and she looks like she could level Mike Tyson with a glance. She flexes her arms -- she seems to be a body builder as well as a bearded lady -- and steps back.]

Ringmaster: Ah, but what challenge for our tag team wrestlers? We have just the thing, dear MBC fans! First... the CLOWNS OF TERROR, Giggles the Clown and Mr. Mime!

[The two step forth and there are actual screams of disgust and fright from the crowd. Giggles looks like a clown in the John Wayne Gacy school of clowning -- frayed costume, smeared make-up, horrible smile -- and Mr. Mime is all the more horrifying for seeming so... happy and jolly. And quiet. Oh so quiet. Giggles, the massive bruiser, just stands there and breathes while wiry little Mr. Mime does a little dance. Both step back.]

Ringmaster: Terrifying! But no more so than the SCAB Army, Sergeant Rad and Colonel Awesome!

[They step forward and... if that's not Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley in KISS-ified military regalia, I'll eat my fourth-wall-breaking hat. The two step back.]

Ringmaster: And, finally, of course.. for our female tag wrestlers... I bring to you SELINA AND MATILDA!

[The final two step forward -- Selina a dusky brunette contortionist, Matilda a lithe blonde trapeze artist and acrobat -- and bow deeply. The men in the crowd pop loudly. The two then step back.]

Ringmaster: We here at Sullivan's Circus of Abnormal Bastardry hope you enjoy what entertainment we have to offer as we challenge the league's newest wrestlers and deal with the...

[He pauses dramatically, leans toward the audience, and stage-whispers.]

Ringmaster: ...little problem they call the Brotherhood of Bastards.

[As if in response, "Cowboys from Hell" by Pantera blasts onto the PA system as "Doomsday" Harley Sanders, still pumped from what his victory over Ravage, appears at the top of the ramp, with his own microphone in hand.

Sullivan the Ringmaster, for his part, pantomimes fear and panic... openly mocking Sanders. Sanders seems not to notice. The music cuts out.]

Sanders: Did I hear you call the Brotherhood of Bastards... a LITTLE PROBLEM?

[Sullivan sticks his thumbs in his ears and sticks his tongue out at Sanders.]

Sanders: Let me tell you and your circus clowns something, Sully. The Brotherhood ain't no little thing. You saw what I did to Ravage earlier, and you saw what Johanna did in the tournament... so you know what you've got in store for you. I talked to Becks... you know, Becky? And I made a little arrangement. A test, if you will.

[General pop.]

Sanders: Because you see, the Brotherhood of Bastards is no more. We are now the HAND OF DOOM HITMEN!

[Another, louder, booing pop.]

Sanders: And at SplatterNad 2009 in Styx, the HOD Hitmen will be wrestling you and SCAB in a BATTLE ROYALE!

[Huge pop, and this time Sullivan the Ringmaster seems to be taking Sanders seriously. Sanders, for his part, walks back and forth at the top of the ramp like a proud peacock. Sullivan brandishes his mic.]

Ringmaster: Sir, after some consideration, I graciously accept your most tantalizing challenge. Sullivan's Circus of Abnormal Bastardry would be honored to smear the Hand of Doom Hitmen all over Styx, Wyoming like so much red paste.

[Sullivan makes a big show of bowing deeply, drawing a mocking pop from the crowd. Sanders, frustrated, storms back stage and, to the jaunty tune of "Thunder and Blazes," Sullivan and his SCAB exits the ring, walks up the ramp, and departs.]

Slush: So we have one group of losers challenging another group of losers to see who the biggest loser is and in the process, the winner wouldn't be the biggest loser because the biggest loser would be the loser?

Pinhead: Seems like it?

Slush: What’s the word for that?

Pinhead: Ironic?

Slush: I was thinking "moronic".

Pinhead: Not sure why you had trouble with the word then.

Slush: [MEEP] you!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: We'll just move on to our next match. How about that?

Slush: How about you go [MEEP] yourself!

Pinhead: Next match it is.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Don't encourage him!

Pinhead: Up next we have Hand of Doom members Crimson and Kathryn Elyson facing Erik Grimsson and Susan Davis. You could almost say this match was years in the making but there's more to it than just that.

Slush: Be creative Pinhead. Go ahead.

Pinhead: Elyson has been hounding Susan Davis pretty much since 1996 and as we saw earlier tonight, Davis finally resorted to challenging Kathryn Elyson to a retirement match at SplatterNad.

Slush: Somebody will get to say "Goodbye slut cakes!"

Pinhead: Now as a part of Elyson trying to get at Davis, Elyson used her membership in the Hand of Doom to target Erik Grimsson, who is a close friend to Susan Davis.

Slush: Who isn't?

Pinhead: As a result, Crimson placed a bounty on Erik Grimsson, which has garnered a few attempted attacks on his injured knee.

Slush: I'm thinking of sending R.U.N.T. after Grimsson. I could use that cash.

Pinhead: I'm surprised you haven't sent them already.

Slush: Little buggers wanted health insurance. I'm not paying for that out of my pocket.

Pinhead: That somehow does not surprise me.

______________________________________________________
/_ __/ __ )_ __/
/ / / __ |/ / CRIMSON and KATHRYN ELYSON versus
/ / / /_/ // / ERIK GRIMSSON and SUSAN DAVIS
/_/ /_____//_/
|____________________________________Writer: Kyle B. Lee


["The Warning (Stefan Goodchild Remix)" by Nine in Nails creepily played as the arena lights went to a deep hue of red. From the entrance came Crimson flanked on either side my Kathryn Elyson and Kiora Donavon. Donavon was in street clothes and Elyson was in her usual leather. Elyson and Crimson climbed into the ring and awaited their opposition while Kiora walked around the ring and took a seat at the commentator's table.]

Pinhead: Joining us for this match I guess is Kiora Donavon.

KD: Yes, it _is_ your pleasure to have me here.

Slush: Ooh, I like her.

KD: I can change that.

Pinhead: Now _I_ like her.

[Crimson and Elyson waited in the ring, looking up the ramp for their opponents. Instead of them coming out, the large display above the entrance we call the Bastardtron came alive to show the backstage area. There was Susan Davis coming down the hall and knocking on a door that read "Erik Grimsson," The door swung open almost instantaneously but it was not Erik Grimsson who came out.

It was Oppie Tyler.

Flying out the door and across the hall into the wall.

THEN came a very perturbed Erik Grimsson who apparently had to deal with another bounty hunter. No longer wishing to be delayed, Davis and Grimsson set out to the arena proper. But along the way, a man in a brown uniform with a large cardboard box flagged Erik down. Apparently he had a delivery. Erik, weary of this, signed the form anyways. But as soon as he did that, the box burst open and DJ Pez burst out to attack. The man in uniform turned out to be Dead Boy Jones. With the help of Susan, Erik dispatched the would-be bounty collectors and headed to the ring without further distraction.]

Pinhead: Bounty hunters are coming out of the woodwork.

KD: One does not take a favor from the Hand of Doom lightly.

Slush: Can I ask a favor right now?

KD: No.

Slush: Okay.

[Pause]

Slush: How about now?

[Distractions seemingly over, Davis and Grimsson finally made it to the entranceway. Now, anybody could have attacked while they walked down the ring but it was highly likely that anyone who pondered that felt they would incur the wrath of Crimson. The Hand of Doom leader did want his own piece of Grimsson and now was his first solid chance to get it. The referee made sure to back everyone to their corners first, not wanting a wild brawl to start the match. Being the gentlemen he was, Erik allowed Susan to go first since she wanted it quite badly. Crimson didn't appreciate it but stepped aside to allow his fellow HODer the chance to duel with her former student. Duel they did. Susan came out very strong and aggressive but pretty much every maneuver Susan tried, Kathryn would eventually overcome or reverse it. Elyson was a picture of calm despite Susan's aggression. Knowing her opponent well had its advantages.]

Pinhead: Elyson isn't even breaking a sweat.

KD: Why should she? Susan is hardly a great wrestler.

Slush: How about now? Can I have that favor?

KD: How about I make sure you never walk again.

Slush: ...

Pinhead: Do you have a going rate for that?

[Susan continued to press on but Elyson simply could not be moved. Wanting into the match, Crimson called for a tag. Elyson obliged, giving everyone a brief exchange of Crimson and Susan Davis. Crimson quickly overpowered Superfly, but the former TMK was quick on her feet and could hold the two time former World Champion at bay. Eager to get in, Erik Grimsson reached out for the tag. Susan jumped to her corner and the "Heavy Metal Hero" charged straight towards his opponent. Crimson waited... and waited... and once Grimsson was close, Crimson dropkicked Erik right into the bad knee. Crimson was quickly up and began an assault on Erik's knee without even thought for other methods of attack. Grimsson was in obvious pain but he fought through it just as he always had. The two brawled wildly but Crimson's onslaught against the joint was quickly taking a toll. On and on the two battled until eventually Crimson tagged out to bring Elyson back in. Kathryn continued the assault on Erik's knee but with holds and pressure points. The appearance wasn't much the pain was excruciating.]

Pinhead: I really don't understand how Erik Grimsson doesn't think his knee is that bad off. Tough is tough but still.

KD: Erik Grimsson is a fairly talented wrestler, fairly decent looking if you like metalheads. Above all else he is very foolish for getting in the way of the Hand of Doom.

Pinhead: He didn't exactly have a say in the matter.

KD: Does not matter. At SplatterNad, Crimson will put him down like a dog much like how I will do to Leanna Love.

[Grimsson managed to break out of Kathryn Elyson's holds and kept her at bay afterwards. With every attempt she made to latch herself back on, he did well to push or toss her away. His knee in sever pain, Erik used his better judgment to get out of the ring for a break, tagging Susan Davis back in. Susan was very eager to get right back at Elyson and finally, Superfly was overwhelming Elyson. Susan found her groove and it was proving that Davis had indeed learned a thing or two under the wings of Tesla St. James and Nina Grimsson. Elyson buckled down and before long she had adjusted enough to even things out with Susan. In time, despite Davis' new found vigor, Elyson once again gained control. Much like what she did to Erik, Elyson put on holds that inflicted sever physical pain to Susan. Erik screamed for Susan to let him in and in hearing that, Elyson held Susan light from behind and forced Davis to look at the screaming Erik. There Kathryn whispered into Susan's ear. With the wonders of modern technology and new fangled microphones we could hear exactly what was said...]

KE: What is he to you? He ignores you. Treats you like trash. He doesn't see the glimmer in your eye. You see Susan? He only wants you to come to him because he has a need. You can give him what he needs... what he wants.

[Kathryn wrenches in the hold extra tight.]

KE: Go to him. Bring him to us so we can break him. And when we have broken his knee and spirit, you can forget this nonsense of a retirement match. All you have to do is make the tag and I will leave you alone.

[Again, she pulls tighter.]

KE: One tag and you'll be free from my pursuits. If you don't... I will visit Hell upon you like never before. The Hand of Doom in its entirety will hound you until the end of days.

[Kathryn then shoved Susan forward towards where Erik waited and called for the tag. Elyson simply smiled as the offer was rolling through Susan's mind. Davis looked at Kathryn and then back to Erik. Her decision didn't take long. She turned back to Elyson...

...and super kicked her square in the jaw.]

KD: Good. I was hoping she'd turn down the offer.

Pinhead: Susan Davis could have taken the easy road by selling out Erik Grimsson. But she took the high road.

KD: The higher the road, the higher the distance to fall.

[Erik screamed for Susan to make the tag but Susan instead jumped right on top of Elyson and started wailing away. Crimson slid through the ropes but it was only to draw Erik out. As Grimsson tried to enter the ring, the referee dashed across to his corner and held him back. With the official distracted, nothing could stop Crimson from entering the ring and driving a boot into Davis' face. Susan toppled over but wasn't there long as Crimson yanked her up by the hair and Irish whipped her to the corner so hard the turnbuckles shook. Crimson put another boot to Superfly's belly and left the ring in time for the ref to turn back around. Elyson was back up and wasted no time in moving to the corner where she started bringing stiff shots across Susan's brow. The referee was quick to warn but Crimson inserted himself. With yet another distraction at hand, Elyson reached into her leathers and pulled something rather shiny out.]

Pinhead: Are those brass knuckles?

KD: Davis was warned. Now punishment is up ten fold.

Slush: You don't see this everyday in a TMK video.

[With one shot of the brass knuckles to the head, Susan looked like she was nearly out cold. Elyson put a finger her former student's chin and propped it up.]

KE: You were given due warning kitten, Now you suffer. And with this, I take all the pleasure in the world.

[Hidden from the referee and even from Grimsson, Elyson brought her brass knuckles across Susan's forehead one more time. Blood began to flow seconds later. Susan fell forward but somehow was not completely out. She crawled away from the corner as Elyson tucked away her brass knuckles. Erik reached out, desperately wanting the tag. Crimson finished with the ref and tagged himself in. He walked right up behind Susan and watched. Susan looked at Erik, seeing that would be the easy way out. Instead she refused to tag and turned to charge at Crimson. Crimson then took her up and over for Sledgehammer DDT, making a nice big red spot in the ring. Crimson made the tag back out to Elyson but Grimsson had enough. Erik entered the ring and went right after Crimson. The Hand of Doom leader took the challenge and met him mid ring. Meanwhile, the referee counted as Elyson pinned Davis for the three count.]

RING ANNOUNCER: The winners of this match by pinfall... CRIMSON and KATHRYN ELYSON!!!

Pinhead: Crimson and Grimsson are brawling wildly in the ring!

KD: Erik won't have anyone to hide behind at SplatterNad. He'll realize just how outmatched he is against Crimson.

Slush: How is he in checkers I wonder...

Tinkle: MEEP?

Slush: It's a valid question.

Pinhead: Susan Davis needs medical attention and I really doubt she's going to get it with these two fighting so wildly!

Slush: And here comes the Wrecking Crew to spoil the action.

KD: You actually said something I can agree with.

Slush: So does that mean we can make out?

[Kiora looks over and kicks Slush and his chair over.]

KD: Don't make me laugh.

[Kiora gives Slush one good kick for the road and departs, rejoining Elyson and Crimson as the wrecking Crew separates the various parties. While all that settles, we are taken again to the backstage corridors. The location is unknown because if you remember, they all look the same. That's the style of these new arenas: clean, generic and perfectly unpristine. Alas, this matters not to a crowd of onlookers who have gathered near once was the catering area.

Ah yes, now we know where we are.

There is food scattered all around as this place is a war zone. Once noble spires of coffee brew mastery stood next to buckets of Gatorade. No more. In the center of all this is a downed Akeyla Ruiz. She lays on the ground in pain as paramedics attend to her. Blood trickles from her nose and mouth... though to be fair... that could be from a jelly donut.]

Female Voice in the Background: MAKE WAY!

[Pushing her way through the crowd is Akeyla's mentor, Tesla St. James. She's dressed in black and red sweats and her hair is pulled back into a ponytail. The sweat on her brow and would indicate she's coming from either a long jog or intense workout. She sees her pupil on the ground and quickly moves to her side.]

TSJ: What the hell happened?

Paramedic: Please stand back ma'am. We don't have her stabilized yet.

AR: [Weak voiced] I'm fine.. I'm fine... aack!

[Akeyla winces as one of the paramedics examines her arm.]

TSJ: Who did this to you? I just heard you were attacked but nobody gave me any details.

AR: Eriksen...

TSJ: Eveline Eriksen?

[The pain being too much for her to speak, Akeyla simply nods her head.]

TSJ: I see.

[Tesla's expression quickly fades from concern to murderous rage.]

Paramedic: Ma'am, I really need you to back away. We need to get the stretcher.

[Tesla nods and backs away. But her mind is in another place. Akeyla finally manages to relax and looks to her mentor.]

AR: You... going after her?

[Tesla says nothing. Instead she walks away, her focus now on her new target. Seeing this, Akeyla smiles and laughs, albeit a cough interrupted laugh.]

AR: Eriksen is so [MEEP]ed!

[Fade.]

Pinhead: I didn't think things between Tesla St. James and Eveline Eriksen could get anymore personal.

Slush: Maybe some flowers and chocolates... some Barry White music...

Pinhead: Not how I meant it.

Slush: That's how you SHOULD mean it. Because my way is super.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: You're right. MEEP-tacular.

Pinhead: Well speaking of all things [MEEP], we have some more history about the venue for SplatterNad 2009.

Slush: I'm all ecstatic about what little bit of information we learn this time.

==================================
STYX, WYOMING: A MOMENT IN HISTORY
==================================

At the height of the Great Depression, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt visited Styx as a part of a nation wide tour to help promote the New Deal. While giving a speech to the assembled citizens of the township, then Mayor Carl Borgenschneider interrupted the speech, calling FDR out for not hating the Depression. Eventually, the speech broke out into a heated verbal debate and finally, Borgenschneider challenged Roosevelt to a good old fashioned wrestling match. Despite being confined to a wheelchair, Roosevelt accepted. Five minutes later, Roosevelt was declared the winner after making the Mayor submit to an abdominal stretch. It was on this day that the fabled Handicap Match was born.

==================================

Pinhead: There is no way in Hell that can be accurate.

Slush: Of course it can. That was pulled off the internet I bet.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: And it's like they say. If it's on the internet, it's got to be true.

Pinhead: And it's sentiments like that which show just how far our society has crashed.

Slush: Society will do well with visionaries like me at the head.

Pinhead: Right.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: Oh, great. We have more Styx related stuff.

[Pinhead twirls his finger of sarcasm.]

Pinhead: How the Hell did Vengeance get on Larry King?

[We enter with the Larry King opening. Not sure if anyone cares what it looks like since it’s just an opening.]

King: Welcome to the show. Tonight we feature an enduring pop icon in the sports entertainment business. He’s an accomplished wrester, entrepreneur and human rights activist. He is the Reverend John Vengeance, the High Pope of HATE, currently of the Mighty Bastard Championship.

JV: Good to be here, Larry.

King: Thank you for coming. We invited some other personalities from the MBC but they all cancelled last minute when they found out you were going to be on.

JV: I’m able to speak on behalf of the company.

King: We did receive this memo from your company preventing you from speaking, though.

JV: Ha! Their lawyers don’t hold a zebra to my jackal. Lawyers are the foot soldiers of HATE. I claim speaking as a religious liberty.

King: Excellent. John, let me start out by saying I saw your match with Mr. Skullhead at Quarter Beer Night VII all those years ago. In all my years I have never seen a crowd become that involved in any sporting event. I’m not just talking about when you made your way into the crowd and fought the audience. There was a certain air of honesty in the building that night. It was legendary.

JV: It was, it was. I’m surprised we don’t let the crowd get that involved in today’s events. I like to think of it as giving back when we work our way into the crowd and pummel the fans. I saw some Tom Landis sweat being sold on E-Bay for about $30 bucks. Very easy to get a hold of our sweat when we are in your face.

King: Lets start off by asking a question of how did you become the, and I quote, "High Pope of HATE"?

JV: Themonastery.org. The Universal Life Church thing. Once I paid some money, God was ok for me to do as I pleased. Which was really what he wanted. To spread the true word of HATE. How it’s the juicy buffalo meat of the world.

King: Fascinating as it is strange. What I really wanted to talk about was how your hometown of Styx, Wyoming has purchased the rights to the latest Pay Per View event. The event and all festivities will be held around the town. How does this make you feel?

JV: I don’t want to talk about it. That’s not why I agreed to come on.

King: Actually, that’s why we called you and why you agreed to come on.

JV: Really? I don’t know why I would have done that. I try to keep as much distance between my hometown and me as possible. I was probably hopped up on raw eel. Anyways, it’s horrible there. The commoners treat me like royalty. It’s disgusting. I’m not a big fan of all the people in robes and the statues either. Did you know there’s only one road into town? There’s a moat. They like to call it a river but it’s really a moat. People abandon their pet sharks in there and it’s considered cute. Don’t like it Larry. Don’t’ like it one bit. Although, Free Funnel Cake Tuesday is a brig draw.

King: That’s interesting as there are very little records about the town and its history. We know Franklin Roosevelt visited once. We know they have a small airport and the town mayor tried to copyright soft core pornography.

JV: That really would have bolstered the economy.

King: Can’t say I’d argue. I’m into more hardcore and dress up, though. What else can you tell us about this mystery place? Is there an arena big enough to handle the crowds you draw?

JV: The arena might be a bit small but it can handle the crowds.

King: What’s the capacity?

JV: 80 thousand or something. Everyone in the town can fit in it.

King: Is it true residents of the town can get in for free?

JV: If you bring a canned good or donation to the Red Cross. Wait a second what are you drinking?

[Vengeance grabs Larry’s drink and sniffs it]

JV: Hey! You’re drinking schnapps? How come I get crappy tap water?

King: Don’t worry, it’s just a starter to warm me up to the sweet, sweet taste of scotch or whiskey. Or both. In your semi-autobiographic children’s book "Big John and the 10 Building Blocks of HATE" you claim alcohol is counter-productive to maintaining a HATE based lifestyle. We figured you wouldn’t want us to spike your water.

JV: Larry, I appreciate you thinking of me and reading my book. I just want to make it clear that drugs and alcoholism are the enemy. An occasional drinky drink is fine. You just forget a lot when your drunk. Wouldn’t want anyone forgetting the 10 building blocks during a binge.

King: You haven’t been promoting the book. Why is that?

JV: After sending out the media copies we got sued. The building blocks were originally Legos. They didn’t like that. Then we switched to Mega-Blocks. They didn’t like that. We were going to try Lincoln Logs but decided to work on a proprietary system before publishing to the masses.

King: Let’s take some calls now. We have Kyle from Dallas. Caller you’re on the air.

Lee (on phone): I just wanted to make sure that everyone understands that Vengeance’s comments and opinions do not reflect that of the MBC or any of its sponsors.

King: Don’t you mean to say "do not necessarily reflect"?

Lee (on phone): No, we want to be as far away from anything he says as we can possibly be.

Vengeance: That is so unfair! I’ve done the majority of great things in the MBC!

Lee: The only great thing you’ve managed was that spontaneous Bowflex fire that had no flammable parts. I dislike admitting it, but that was impressive.

King: Moving along our next caller is from the frozen tundra to the north where the Vikings roamed. Canada. Caller you’re on the air.

CB: CANADIAN BACON IS SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS FROM 2 TO 4 PM AT VISTA DE NADA MALL IN -- *click*

King: Have that man killed.

Vengeance: You can do that?

King: Son, it may be the Welch’s grape juice, scotch or cocaine talking. But I can.

Vengeance: Can I have your show when you die?

King: Do we have any legitimate questions or comments? These suspenders don’t pay for themselves. Except for my suspenders made of money. They could easily pay for themselves.

[Dead silence]

King: We’ll be calling it a night then. Be sure to spay and neuter your pets.

Vengeance: Isn’t that Bob Barkers thing?

King: Bastard started using it to promote animal rights. I think it’s a spectacular thing to do to a living being. Prevent it from procreating. You hear that-

[Static]

Slush: I think this brings up an important question.

Pinhead: Why does Vengeance get so much press?

Slush: No.

Pinhead: Then what?

Slush: Who's scarier? John Vengeance or Larry King?

Pinhead: That's... a good question.

Slush: Would you want to run into either one of them in a dark alley?

Pinhead: Not really.

[For probably the millionth time this evening, we cut to the backstage area. Instead of a crowd or one of our wrestlers, we find a normal looking dude. Though... he does seem kind of old. And he does wear latex gloves. I suppose it takes all kinds.]

Man: Just a few more to go.

[The camera backs away a bit and we find that this is the arena's first aid station. And this man is seemingly a paramedic. The "few more" he's referring to would be stitches that he's applying to the forehead of "Superfly" Susan Davis.]

Man: Brass knuckles. Terrible things.

SSD: Tell me about it.

[At this point, rushing into the scene, is Susan's tag team partner from earlier in the evening, Erik Grimsson. Still in his ring gear; ripped white jeans with skull designs printed on them, a black "Overkill- Hello From the Gutter" longsleeve t-shirt, black Nike amateur wrestling shoes, and his trademark leather leggings, Erik's face is a mask of concern. Rounding things out with a large brace on his left knee, he leans in to get a good look at Susan's forehead.]

Erik: How bad is it? Are you going to be okay?

[Susan looks up at Erik, and though she looks pretty woozy, a warm smile lets him know she'll be okay.]

SSD: I've had stitches before. I'll be okay.

Paramedic: Thankfully she didn't get a concussion.

SSD: Pfft, they'd have to bring more than that weakness to keep me down.

[Erik now looks a bit uncomfortable, but decides to say what's on his mind.]

Erik: You know, you really should have tagged me. I mean, the whole point of having tag partners is to use them.

SSD: I know... but... I couldn't..

[Susan flinches from a particularly rough stitch.]

SSD: Oww...

[Erik now seems a bit confused.]

Erik: Um...you couldn't what?

SSD: I couldn't tag you in. They were going to go after you knee and...

[Susan flinches again with the stitching.]

SSD: I didn't want to sell you out.

[Erik now shakes his head in frustration.]

Erik: Susan...of course they were going to go after my knee. But so what? You know I can defend myself, right? And you were getting killed out there.

SSD: I didn't want to do that to you. There weren't just going to attack it. They were going to break it. And worse.

[The paramedic finishes his stitching and silently moves away.]

SSD: I didn't want to do that to you.

[Erik is now clearly annoyed.]

Erik: Dude, what makes you think I couldn't have stopped them? And dammit, will you people stop trying to shield me? I'm not made of [MEEP]ing glass!

[Susan looks at him and shakes her head. He obviously doesn't know what she'll have to go through because she didn't make the tag. But she decides not to tell him. Instead, she hops off the table she’s sitting on and turn to look Erik straight in the eye...

...before kissing him softly on the lips.]

SSD: I'll miss you most of all scarecrow.

[She then turns and walks away. Erik's annoyed demeanor now dissipates completely, as Susan's statements leave him utterly confused.]

Erik: Huh?

[Fade.]

Pinhead: I don't understand how he can go from show to show without knowing these things. Does he not pay attention?

Slush: Pay attention to what?

Pinhead: No, I refuse to believe he's as bad as you.

Slush: Who is bad as what now?

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: I'm the baddest man on the planet! And I don't have to grab my crotch repeatedly to do it. It feels good but still...

Pinhead: Too much information...

[Suddenly, from beneath the ring, a small cadre of little people appear. All are dressed like 1920's style Hollywood directors, complete with monocle. The effect is quite disturbing really.]

Slush: Ah! My boys! Come to me my children!

[And they do. The team approaches Slush and bow in subservience. All but the lead member of R.U.N.T.]

Snowflake: We've got it done boss. Good stuff right there.

Slush: Of course. I'm in it.

Pinhead: In what?

Slush: Watch and learn. I'd get Billy Mays to do this, but the dude is a quitter.

Pinhead: Somebody call the Good Taste Police.

[Slush stands and walks to the ring steps. Pinhead is immediately concerned with what Slush is about to do, but like with most things, there is that small hope that Slush will crash and burn with whatever it is. This is one of the many perks of Pinhead's job.]

Pinhead: This should be good.

[Slush enters the ring, followed by each member of R.U.N.T. They surround Slush like an aura of protection. Snowflake reaches into his pocket and pulls out a DVD sized case. He hands it over and Slush nods his thanks.]

Pinhead: That's a first. Slush showing gratitude.

[One of the other R.U.N.T.s hands Slush a wireless microphone.]

Slush: People of Earth! I bring you the good news!

[Yep, we can add another reason for religious types to complain.]

Slush: As you all may know, I am the greatest commentator ever. An unscientific poll of willing voters says so! You can read all about it on the flyers R.U.N.T. distributed on all your cars in the parking lot.

[And the crowd BOO'S!!!]

Slush: Don't worry. The glue will come off eventually.

[And they boo louder.]

Slush: Now being number one, there are certain niceties that come with it. Like being marketable. Sure, I was marketable before. Me being beautiful and all, it's a no brainer. But I'm here to strike while the iron is hot. So I'm going to offer to you all a piece of merchandise that became ready for me to sell just minutes ago. All you Denver omelets have the privilege to be the first to get to purchase it.

[More boo's.]

Slush: That's right ladies and germs, you all can buy your very own copy of...

[Wait for it...]

Slush: MY SEX TAPE!

[And the crowd goes silent.]

Slush: If you thought Paris Hilton was a slut, just you wait till you see what I do on this tape! It's got everything!

[Somewhere, small third world countries vomit.]

Slush: See, there was this chick I met a long time ago named Katherine Williams.

Snowflake: La Madre Del Diablo!

Snowglobe: Super MILF!

Snowflake: Hells yeah!

Slush: That's right! And I totally got it on tape. And now that I'm officially number one, I'm going to sell these tapes and milk it for all its worth. I'm on the top of the world. And you know, there's no idiotic prophecy that the Omen can tell me that's going to bring me down!

[Slush smiles... but then the smiles fades...

"Prophecy" by Judas Priest begins to play.

And out comes The Omen straight to the ring. R.U.N.T. forms a defensive formation around their boss which doesn’t exactly have The Omen a bit concerned. He takes a house mic from Shawni McKenzie.]

The Omen: This is a new low, even for you. You willingly take the name and image of a good woman and smear it in smut just because you think you can make an extra dollar.

Slush: Hey, don't rain on my parade because Taylor shoots you down on a regular basis. I'm the kind of man she needs.

The Omen: Even on your best day, you're hardly a man at all. You're a pathetic degenerate grasping at the straws of depravity. You are...

Slush: Blah, blah, blah. All I ever hear come out of your mouth is the same boring crap. You tell a few so called prophecies and because some of them come true, people think you're hot [MEEP]. It's not really hard to predict that Vengeance is going to set something on fire. That's like predicting the slow kid in gym is going to get pushed down.

[Slush scratches his chin.]

Slush: You were the slow kid in gym class weren't you? Did Big Billy the Bully treat you badly? Did he make you cry because he made fun of your dumb face? I bet you wear that mask because you're a mongoloid underneath there. Don't you think boys?

Snowflake: You tell him boss!

Snowglobe: Hells yeah! You is owning him!

The Omen: You know nothing about me old man. You're the most ignorant...

Slush: AGAIN you go on with the boring crap! How about you say or do something worth my time and..

[SLAP~!

Right across Slush's face. The crowd goes wild and every member of R.U.N.T. is stunned. Slush himself can't believe what just happened.]

Slush: Oh. No. You. Didn't.

The Omen: I did. And it's been a long time coming.

Slush: GET'EM BOYS!

[At once, the members of R.U.N.T. rush the Omen, each one taking a different limb. The Omen slings them off but it's hard considering the sheer numbers. Slush exits the ring and grabs a steel chair. He slips back into the ring and prepares to take a wild swing. But he's stopped...

"crushcrushcrush" by Paramore starts up and Becky Carlisle-Skullhead appears with the Wrecking Crew right behind her. She takes her sweet time to get to the ring but the Crew hit the ring quick and start handling midgets like it's Santa's workshop.]

Pinhead: Better call the Good Taste Police again.

[Suffice it to say, the crew separate Slush, his helpers and the Omen by the time the Commish gets to the ring.]

BCS: This is ridiculous. You're both grown men, acting like idiots. Slush... a sex tape? Really? And Omen... you should be worrying about other things and not a commentator and his big mouth.

[Both the Omen and Slush start to talk but she cuts them off.]

BCS: I don't want to hear it. You're both being children.

Slush: He started it! He's came after me first! He called me a bad name.

The Omen: You deserve all that you get.

BCS: QUIET!

[And they are... kinda.]

BCS: It's bad enough I have to settle this kind of thing between the members of the roster. It's not like I can sign a match between you to in order to settle this.

Slush: I could so beat his ass!

The Omen: Not on your best day.

[Becky shakes her head.]

Slush: Your father obviously didn't beat you enough when you were young! Give me the match! I'll play catchup!

[The crowd goes wild for the idea of a match. Becky doesn't want to do it but the Omen isn't opposed to the idea.]

BCS: It hardly seems fair. Slush you're...

The Omen: Let him bring R.U.N.T.

R.U.N.T.: YEAH!

BCS: You're willing to face Slush and all of R.U.N.T.?

The Omen: If that's what it takes.

BCS: And you'd be fine with it?

Slush: Me and the boys ain't scared!

BCS: What a [MEEP]ing sideshow this is...

[Becky pauses, first looking at Slush and then the Omen.]

BCS: Fine. We'll do it at SplatterNad.

[And the crowd goes ballistic. Both Slush and the Omen are thrilled with the terms. R.U.N.T. looks like they could bite more than a few ankles. Becky can't believe what she just did but alas, these are the things that people in power must accept.]

BCS: So we're done. Now, Omen get to the back while I talk to Slush.

[The Omen forces himself free from the grip of the Wrecking Crew and makes his way out of the ring under his own power. Clearly satisfied that he'll get the chance to beat on Slush, tonight is definitely a win. Meanwhile back in the ring, Becky turns to Slush.]

BCS: Legally Slush, I have no power in saying that you can't sell that... sex tape. However, I can keep you from selling it on MBC time. You are not allowed to try and sell that on any MBC telecast. The MBC wants nothing to do with that. So when Katherine Williams sues you...

Slush: She won't.

BCS: She will. I can almost guarantee it.

Slush: I rocked her world too hard.

BCS: One way or the other, the hammer is going to come smashing down on you. And we don't want to be anywhere close to you when it does. Now, you've got a certain "something" to prepare for. So get out of my sight.

Slush: Score!

[Slush leaves the ring, with R.U.N.T. right behind him. Pinhead is left wondering just what the hell is going on. But Becky is still in the ring. Perhaps she'll shed some light on the situation.]

BCS: My apologies ladies and gentlemen. The MBC does not endorse anything Slush does. That would be insane. So... how about we get to something more important?

[The crowd gives a polite pop.]

BCS: I have a few announcements concerning SplatterNad 2009. First, I'd like to officially announce the stipulation for the Grand Finale of the Death Cycle between Stan Crawford and Jerry Titus. It just wouldn't be SplatterNad without...

...a Ballbreaker Cage match.

[The crowd goes wild because, at it's heart, they're all quite bloodthirsty.]

BCS: Over the last several months, the Chromosomes have involved themselves with the referee's union and in such, they've rubbed many people the wrong way. But there are few who have a larger complaint with X and Y than Lights Camera Action. So at SplatterNad, these two teams will step into the ring against each other.

[The crowd is loving that too.]

BCS: Now, several weeks ago the MBC Women's Championship was vacated after Myra Benedict was dismissed from the company. After much debate, it has been decided that to crown a new champion, we will hold an eight woman tournament over the three days of SplatterNad.

Pinhead: An old classic!

BCS: What we are going to do is take four of the matches already signed for SplatterNad and make them tournament matches. Therefor the first round will consist of the following matches:

Dalbello Rage versus Nina Grimsson

Amber Rogers versus Lolita Love

Eveline Eriksen versus Tesla St. James

Holly Hotbody versus Jan Delgado

Pinhead: What a lineup!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: I'm sorry you stupid hamster! It's hard to be a three man team by yourself!

BCS: The winners will move on to the second night and the championship final will take place on the final night of SplatterNad.

[The crowd cheers enthusiastically with this announcement and pay per view buy rates will hopefully be through the roof. Hopefully.]

BCS: Thank you ladies and gentlemen for all your support in these troubled times and the MBC will continue to try and bring you the best the industry has to offer.

[With a cavalcade of fanfare, Becky exits the ring. But she doesn't head to the back. Instead, she takes up a spot at the commentator's table.]

BCS: I figured I wouldn't leave you hanging here Pinhead.

Pinhead: Is Slush not coming back?

BCS: Not tonight. Not really. You'll see.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: Couldn't you have told him to take the hamster?

BCS: The hamster sells T-shirts. It's out of my hands.
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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MBCKyle
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
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[We open first not on a sight, but rather a sound. A sound that should serve as a distant early warning to the faint of heart that trouble is on the horizon.]

VO: o/~ I believe in miracles
Where you from
You sexy thing
I believe in miracles
Since you came along
You sexy thing o/~

[Yes, true believers, Slush...is singing. Compare and contrast the original of what he's butchering over here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWSOM5Wy5mw And savor the image of the fluffy haired Scotsman in that fanvid for as long you can because the improbable #1 Best Announcer of the JTF Mid-Years is about to turn the corner...



...



...



...and he's in his skivvies. Tighty-whities, folks.

And he's wearing a bow-tie.

And tassels.



...



...




...yeah, you may now blow chunks. Oblivious to the cries of all that is decent and the fact that several Geneva Conventions are being shattered, Slush enters the locker room.]

Slush: Ah [MEEP], what the hell are YOU doing here?!

[The "YOU" would be in reference to a rather disgusted Kyle Lee, currently aghast at the state of Slush -- well, more aghast than usual. To the owner of the MBC's credit, he composes himself rather quickly.]

KL: [shaking his head] ...I don't even want to know...

Slush: What, a man can't engage in quality nudity time anymore?

KL: Do you even know why you're here?

Slush: I've been a bad boy. A _very_ bad boy. [Slush rubs his hands eagerly.] And Taylor gets to punish me. Is whipped cream involved? Tell me whipped cream is involved!

[Kyle winces, then shakes his head again.]

KL: Not quite.

Slush: Maybe for the best, I'm lactose intolerant this week. Man, I am lovin' this breeze! I gotta do this more often!

[Kyle suddenly blanches]

KL: NO!

Slush: Where is my sweet love anyway? This booty can't spank itself!

[Fortunately, before Slush can make with the butt wiggling, he receives an answer to his question as the Grandmaster Typo Champion enters the locker room.

And Taylor MacKenzie is smiling. It's not a friendly one by any stretch of the imagination. This isn't just any old cat and the canary smile...this is a cat and the blind, gimpy canary already covered in steak sauce smile. As usual, Slush remains oblivious to the fact at just how [MEEP]ing screwed he is.]

Taylor: Oh good, you're here.

KL: You really want to go through with this?

Taylor: Considering all that's happened now, [MEEP] yeah.

Slush: Any chance you'll dress up like a nun for this? I think I remember Simon O'Neal saying something about nuns and fun once. Or was that nuns with guns?

[MacKenzie shoots Slush a black glare, then looks around the room.]

Taylor: Something is still missing...

[And if on glorious cue, this is when the current MBC World Champion decides to walk into the locker room. With a duffel bag slung over his shoulder and dressed in jeans and a "PVW Tradition" t-shirt, he stops dead in his tracks when he sees Taylor and Kyle.

And then Slush.]

Taylor: ...and there it is.

TL: What Fraternity Boys prank from hell did I walk into?

Slush: Stop eying me like a piece of meat, Landis or I'll sue you for sexual harassment! I know all about your deviancies! Everyone knows [MEEP]ing a Canadian is just like bestiality! Only, there's more snow involved.

TL: I'm not going to stand here and argue with a guy who's only got a thin layer of cotton between me and his boys.

[Kyle quickly interrupts.]

KL: Moving right along...Slush, thanks to your asinine antics, you could have left the MBC open to numerous lawsuits. As it stands, I would have had no problem if Taylor wanted to pound the ever-living crap out of you. But fortunately -- or unfortunately, depending on your point of view -- she's choosing a different approach. And Tom, well, sorry to say, you're a part of that approach.

TL: Me? Okay, if she'd rather have Slush's worst nightmare come true and have me stomp him all over this locker room, so be it. I have ten seconds.

[Suddenly, the GMT Champ pulls out a pair of handcuffs. Before Tom or Slush can react, she's slapped them on their opposite wrists with a harsh click.]

Slush: AIIEE!! Ceiling Landis will NOT watch me masticate!

TL: WHAT THE HELL?

[He tries to back away in horror, tassels disturbingly swishing to the left and to the right as he does so, but finds he's stuck firm to Landis.]

Taylor: [chuckling] Beating you up...that would be too easy. Too quick. And I don't think you'd actually learn your lesson. No, what's needed here is aversion therapy. As for you... [she turns to the MBC World Heavyweight Champion, eyes narrowing sharply.] ...YOU decided to stick your nose in a match you weren't a part of! On behalf of that ingrate you call a sister no less!

TL: Oh come on, you're really going to play that card? I know you're all about equality and the warrior woman spirit and all, but I wasn't about to let the Omen tear my sister apart. Even if she is a royal pain in the ass.

Taylor: This ain't the damn playground anymore, Landis. Little sister's got to learn to fight her own battles and not have you bail her out of her own mess! So, consider this aversion therapy for you too. Mind you, it means tonight's match is now a handicap match. Me against the World Champ AND a former Psycho Driver Champ!

[A feral grin spreads across Taylor's face.]

Taylor: What can I say...I like the challenge. [Pause.] Have fun, boys!

[And MacKenzie exits, with what can be described as a skip in her step. Landis calls after her.]

TL: This is really how you want this to go down, Taylor? [turns to Lee] I can't be held responsible if he doesn't survive until match time, you know.

Slush: I gotta pee.

KL: Just as long as he puts on some pants before he hits the ring, I don't really care what happens to him.

[Fade.]

______________________________________________________
/_ __/ __ )_ __/
/ / / __ |/ / "HELLRAISER" TOM LANDIS versus
/ / / /_/ // / TAYLOR MACKENZIE
/_/ /_____//_/
|____________________________________Writer: Kyle B. Lee


[It wasn't hard to see the satisfied smirk across the face of Taylor MacKenzie. Sure, she was proud to be the Grandmaster Typo Champion. And sure, she was one of the challengers for the World Title at SplatterNad 2009. But tonight, her pride was all about torturing Slush and Tom Landis. And the fans, they loved her as they too like a good torturing of Slush. Her biggest fan may just have been Pinhead.]

Pinhead: I'm such a huge fan of her right now.

[See? There you go.]

BCS: I can't say I agree with this match. But Slush has to pay a penalty for his actions at some point.

Pinhead: And what a satisfying penalty this is.

BCS: Perhaps Tom Landis will get a better understanding of Taylor. Or a better respect.

Pinhead: I think he respects her. He may not have expected this sort of bastardism though.

[Pride certainly wasn't something that Tom Landis felt as he made his entrance to the ring. He lurched through the entranceway. It looked odd at first but once we saw the reason for his lurching, it was instantly understood. Slush had gone completely limp, forcing Landis to drag his dead weight behind him. The camera caught Slush's pouting face and well, Slush was going to be a problem. Becky Carlisle-Skullhead signaled to the referee, who then climbed out of the ring and walked up the aisle. He gave a few warnings but Slush would not cooperate. The referee then signaled to the back. Out came a large member of the Wrecking Crew with a cattle prod. Suffice it to say, Slush was quickly on his feet.]

BCS: Never underestimate the power of the cattle prod.

Pinhead: Why is it the MBC doesn't buy more of those?

BCS: The temptation for cattle prod fights is too high. It's the same reason we ban MBC employees from buying Roman candles.

[Eventually, all parties were in the ring. But in all the time it took to get that way, Slush would not stop complaining. He bitched to the referee, insulted Tom Landis and even cried that his beloved Taylor hurt him so. Pretty much it was the normal everyday life we've come to expect. Once the bell rang, Landis did his best to wrestle with Slush handcuffed to his arm. With the opening lockup, Slush launched into a tirade about Landis' crappy style of wrestling. When Slush thought that Landis wasn't listening, he yanked Landis back and away from Taylor. MacKenzie couldn't help but laugh.]

Pinhead: Thank God this is being recorded.

BCS: I'm getting reports that the odds are 2-1 that Slush won't make the end of the match without getting hit.

Pinhead: Haliburton?

BCS: Naturally.

[It was a safe bet that Landis would have enough of Slush's yapping. He had to be given credit though as he lasted a whole five minutes without smacking him. That could have been his upper limit though. The way things were going Taylor was about ready to smack him herself. Things got especially heated with another tie up collar to elbow. In the midst of Taylor and Tom trying to press their advantage, Slush took it upon himself to reach around and pat Taylor on he rear end. Taylor broke the hold and took a wide swing at Slush. Landis saw an opening and swung Slush around behind him and then forward again like a hammer toss in the Olympics. Slush and Taylor collided, leaving Slush on top of MacKenzie in the ring. Landis got a good laugh. Slush got a cheap thrill and Taylor pretty much popped a blood vessel. He gave Slush a quick knee to the groin and pushed the commentator off. She kicked the handcuff hard enough to force Landis to the mat where she then proceeded to punch away in retaliation for the cheap feel Slush got. Things were not pretty from this point on.]

Pinhead: Is this backfiring on her a bit?

BCS: I don't know how she could expect Slush not to try something like that.

Pinhead: Maybe she figured on Slush and Landis self destructing.

[The referee backed Taylor away, warning her of illegal tactics. While this was happening, Landis tried to get to his feet but Slush was again dead weight, still in bliss from his brief encounter with Taylor. Thank God he was wearing pants. Taylor brushed the ref aside and went right after Landis. The punches weren't being pulled anymore and Landis and Taylor went at it hard and fast. Slush was a mere bystander but when he tried to interject himself into the match, both Taylor and Tom punched him square in the nose. It was an obscenity heard around the world.]

Pinhead: Is it broken? Please say it's broken!

BCS: Maybe his pride.

Pinhead: He has no pride.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Pinhead: Oh you're right. He has no dignity.

BCS: But he does have allies...

[As if on cue, out came the One-Winged Angel. Maybe it was to be protective of his "father" or perhaps he just wanted to get a piece of his SplatterNad opponent. But he ran down the aisle and slid into the ring like a snake. He clipped Taylor in the back of the knee and took Landis over with a Lou Thesz Press. The referee immediately called for an end to the match and tried to regain some order. Angel grabbed the ref by the shirt and threw him over the top rope. Angel reached into his pocket and pulled out a handcuff key. Cheap handcuffs... well the keys are pretty much all the same. One has to question why Angel has a key.]

RING ANNOUNCER: This match has been ruled a NO CONTEST!!!

Pinhead: Angel has set Slush free.

BCS: Making his dad proud I'm sure.

Pinhead: And now Angel is going right back to attacking Taylor and Landis...

BCS: HERE COMES THE OMEN!

Pinhead: The Omen with the save for Taylor! And Landis too since Slush decided to start kicking Tom while he was down!

BCS: Good God, can't we have a normal main event without needing the Wrecking Crew?

Pinhead: Ladies and gentlemen, we are out of time. We'll see you at SplatterNad!

[Before we leave for the evening, we have to check in one last time to our play by play man who is still walking that lonely road to Styx, Wyoming. His bag is at his side, fatigue from this long walk is showing as Skullhead looks absolutely whipped.

The sun went down long ago and there is only the moonlight to guide his path. It may be a major highway but the people of Styx apparently don't believe in street lights.]

Skullhead: Sooner I get there... the sooner I can leave... just got to keep telling myself that.

[Suddenly, nature goes quiet. And if horror movies tell us anything, that's not good. Skullhead doesn't notice as he's too busy counting his steps into oblivion. There is a light ruffling of the trees. Still, Skullhead does not notice.]

Cha Cha Cha Cha...

Ki Ki Ki Ki...

Cha Cha Cha Cha...

Ki Ki Ki Ki...

[The faint chanting finally catches Skullhead's attention. He stops, looks around but can see nothing. The forest is silent again...

until...]

Cha Cha Cha Cha...

Ki Ki Ki Ki...

Cha Cha Cha Cha...

Ki Ki Ki Ki...

[Skullhead, rather than stopping, picks up his pace while heading down the highway. This apparently, has angered the Styx Gods...

For they have sent Agents!]

Unseen Voice in the Trees: GET HIM!

[Large flood lights come on from nowhere, all centered on Skullhead's location. Fifteen men and women, all dressed what we can only describe as Canadian Mounted Police uniforms surround the former professional wrestler, fire arms drawn and pointed at Skullhead.

Being the law abiding citizen he is, Skullhead drops his bag and raises his hands. He's probably too tired to really comprehend what’s going on.]

Mountie #1: Keep those hands where we can see 'em scumbag!

Mountie #2: Damn outsiders! Trashing our town!

Skullhead: Can I uh... help you officers?

Mountie #3: Son of a bitch! I'll teach you to mock us!

[Just as the third, fiery tempered Mountie raises his billy club to strike Skullhead for his "smart mouth", a powerful voice calls out.]

Powerful Voice: Lower your weapon Officer.

[The Mountie wants so bad to break off some billy club across Skullhead's uh... skull. But this booming voice carries weight. And bass. He could be a Darth or something. The sounds of hooves are heard and the silhouette of a mighty rider on a mighty steed comes before the flood light.

Closer he comes into the light.]

Mounted Officer: You're out awfully late.

Skullhead: I had to walk into town. The cab dropped me off at the city limits.

Mounted Officer: Likely story.

[The officer with the booming voice dismounts and walks straight up to Skullhead.]

Mounted Officer: All I see is a no good polluter.

[The officer goes all squinty eyed while looking into Skullhead's very soul.]

Skullhead: Listen... Officer... I didn't catch your name...

Mounted Officer: Roy Beam. _Sheriff_ Roy Beam. My friends call me "Laser".

Skullhead: Okay... Laser...

RB: You're not my friend outsider. You're accused of a very serious crime. What do you have to say for yourself?

Skullhead: Crime? I didn't do anything.

[Roy Beam looks over his shoulder and snaps his finger. Suddenly, a scrawny man wearing a jacket that reads "CSI: STYX" shows up with a small box. He takes Skullhead's hand and places his fingers on the side of the box. There's a whirring and finally a beep.]

CSI: The fingerprints match Sheriff.

RB: You disgust me outsider. Polluting our pristine town.

Skullhead: What? Polluting? What are you talking about?

[The sheriff snaps his finger and a second CSI shows up with an evidence bag. In it is a DVD... a DVD that reads "Porn Your Way to Better Abs".]

RB: Four point six kilometers south of here on the side of the highway, four bags of trash were found dumped. On this DVD, your fingerprints were found.

Skullhead: That wasn't me! This guy stopped in his truck and threw his trash at me.

[Sheriff Roy Beam snaps his fingers and one of the CSI's steps forward to rip open Skullhead's shirt. When Skullhead was an active wrestler, he was in fantastic shape. Even though he's retired, he still looks to exercise regularly.]

CSI: Those are "porn abs" if I've ever seen them Sheriff.

Skullhead: I had these before! I don't watch porn! I'm married.

RB: You tell lies before God and Country? For shame. Conviction is had.

Skullhead: Conviction? I haven't even had a trial! I demand to see a judge!

[Roy Beam snaps his fingers yet again. This time one of the other Mounties pulls off Beam's hat and replaces it with a powdered wig.]

Mounted Officer: Roy Beam. _Styx High Court Judge_ Roy Beam. My friends call me "Laser".

Skullhead: Oh come on!

RB: Tried and convicted. Sentence to be carried out within the month. Load him into the covered wagon boys and ladies. This one's got a date with the catapult.

Skullhead: Damnit! Why aren't you listening? I didn't do it!

[Several of the uniformed officers take Skullhead and escort him to the back of a horse drawn covered wagon. I kid you not. An honest to God covered wagon. As they struggle to get Skullhead in, he screams out his last defiant words...]

Skullhead: It wasn't me! It was the one armed man!

[And we fade to sweet, merciful, convicted darkness...]
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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Flouzemaker
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I was disappointed with the utter lack of feedback & reactions for the June 16th show, so I'll provide my own inarticulately inane thoughts for this edition.
Except that I'm gonna do them like there's sand stuck in my crack, because of all the disappointment and all.

HOUR ONE

Welcome to Styx:
The road to Styx looks beautiful.
And what's wrong with going ape[MEEP] because of people looking at porn on my computer?
That collection is the sum of years of efforts. What if they accidentally deleted some of it?
Some people take out their sawed-off shotguns for smaller offenses, you know.

Guitar solo and logo:
The logo never comes out right, whether it's on the boards or in my email.
It's just a jumble of symbols in the wrong font and format.
Otherwise, you can't go wrong with pelvic thrusts.
Unless there's sand in your crack.

Ravage vs Sanders
Now I'm just sad I missed the Doomsday Chicken era.
Makes me wanna cry. Or it's because of all that sand... it's the kind with chunkier pebbles, not the fine kind...

By now, I've stumbled across what could be the show's fiftieth typo/spelling/grammar mistake.
Didn't anyone volunteer to be the MBC proofreader?

Houlder & Daughter:
I actually forgot I wrote this, and should have asked Kyle not to include it in the show, in the end. It serves no purpose whatsoever in terms of feuds or match hyping. I often write stuff like that for various characters, purely for development, but I typically keep it to myself.
Additionally, Penny Houlder won't be seen again. At least, not in the MBC since she'd try to kill Eriksen. What's more pointless than a feud between your own characters?
If a league, somewhere, showed some kind of interest for Dr. Penelope Zadian, I might do something more with the character. Otherwise, this, and the drawing recently added to the Character Art thread is all there will be.

Crawford & Titus:
To quote Slush... "All the mutual respect and love! Shoot me now!"
Heh! Heh!
Although, of course, a feud such as this one (which isn't even a feud because of all the love and mutual respect... people who love each other that much usually get married before they fight like that...) never fails to put the metronome at a different tempo. It's never good when feuds looks alike.

Delgado & Grimsson
All I've been thinking is that this:
Quote:
 
Jan: You've probably been one of the best and most honest people I've ever known.

Said in the past tense like that... I see Jan saying that over Grimsson's coffin. It just sounds like it's an eulogy or something.
Is Crimson that fearsome? I don't know cuz I wasn't there.

Susan's Challenge:
First... Tawni's presence was weird to me. Basically, she introduces a monologue. Thus, she's completely useless. Why even include her?
Then...
A retirement match? You people do realize that a retirement match has a slight drawback, don't you?
Unless retiring one of 'em two girls would actually be a good thing. I don't kwow, I wasn't there, and there's sand in my crack.

Tran vs Marshall
Pinhead doesn't know who Zapata is? Tisk, tisk.

Quote:
 
Pinhead: Tara Marshall has tried some risky moves in her time...
Slush: Like procreation with a Landis!

Yes.

Quote:
 
Looking forward to play the wildly popular "[MEEP] Over Tara Marshall" game

Now available in compact-format for convenient travel. Play on the plane, car trips... or the throne*!
* Not a substitute for toilet paper.

1-800-CAN-SLUT is St.-James' number (1-800-RED-SLUT for her cell). Brianna's must be 1-800-CHI-SLUT or something.

Susan & Nina
First, I love fishnets. Fishnets give the illusion of volume and curves to what would otherwise be a bony, 100lbs twig. Should look good, even when the twig is a closet Swede.
:whistle:
Second... there are reporters that follow wrestling? Let alone MBC wrestling? It's a worthy question to ponder. MBC has, at the very least, a national status, big enough to appear in the US's biggest venues in spite of John Vengeance.
But does that mean reporters cover it? It all depends on whether e-w is "fake" or not, I suppose.
Then again, even in the golden age of kayfabe, only a handful of territories, like Montreal, got legit news coverage... and that was because the promoter used to double the salary of sports journalists if they covered and shilled his territory - So when you had a Vachon vs Kowalski at the Forum, it had coverage that rivaled that of the Canadiens... but as for real reporters not bought by a promoter?...
In any case, one could argue that a national-level league or higher would have news coverage comparable to the UFC if that wrestling fed was "100% legit."
I'm thinking about this too much, aren't I?
Must be all that humid, grainy sand stuck in my crack.

Eriksen segment
Skippity-skip.
Obviously, you can tell that the show was late because of me, the flash is hastily written as all hell because I entirely forgot about the whole deadline thing.
So yeah, the delay is because of my tardiness. I'm rarely late, but I've missed every MBC deadline by one or two days on every damn show, couldn't explain why.
Maybe it's because of the way Kyle formats his updates.
Or it might be all that sand in my crack.
Where did it even come from? And why is it in my crack?

Hotbody & Delgado
I'll be frank... there was one piece missing for me.
We went from Delgado pretty much wanting to quit in the first segment, then ready to kick Hotbody butt no matter the circumstances in the second.
It's certainly fitting for Erik the Swede to convince Jan to keep fighting, but I'm sort of left with the impression that, if left to her own devices, Jan would have quit.
What was missing, I think, was a segment similar to Erik & Jan's, except with someone begging Jan to quit and stop all that insanity, maybe settle down and start a family, all that kind of wholesome crap.
That way, you would've had a defender of fighting on (the Swede) and a pro-retirement person... and in the end, after hearing the counsel of both parties, we'd all have know that the decision to keep fighting on was all Jan's.
Now, it sorta looks like Jan Delgado could be prone to quitting easily if she doesn't have one or more cheerleaders egging her on...
Am I wrong?
Do I think too much?
Is there too much sand in my crack?

Crimson, Donavon & Elyson:
Quote:
 
I've been looking forward to seeing the look on St. James' face once Davis is retired.

For a preview, buy a ginger-haired wig and place it over a big ball of ground beef.
There ya go.
That'll be Tesla's face post-SplatterNad.
:D

Otherwise, that flash has something that's missing, and I don't know what it is. It puts character elements on the table that will come into play in the later match, gives a little nudge to a few feuds, yet...
There's something somewhere that leaves me on my appetite (sorry for literally translating a French expression that might be meaningless in English). Could simply be that it's has a complete lack of silliness.

Elm:
What's the point of having Scud there if... nah, I'm just kidding :D
That said... poor Scud.
He barely ever gets TV time these days, and when he does... Murphy's Law makes it TV time with Jonas Elm.

6-man tag... writing all of the names is too long.
Quote:
 
The zebra shirt down, Deanna Orlofski took this moment in time to interfere.
You know, for a moment, there, my male brain thought Orlofski was wearing a zebra-print shirt before taking it off.

1WA:
Susan Davis looks fat in that dress?
Hey, some of us like a little meat 'round 'em bones, buddy!


Whew.

Alright.
I better go rinse all that sand outta my crack, it's getting uncomfortable. I made the mistake of scratching, and now I think some grains are deeply embedded between my cheeks...
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Sure, "pretend" there's sand in your crack. Right. I got'cha. :bye:
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Flouzemaker
The Luther Burger
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Guest,Aug 20 2009
05:18 PM
Sure, "pretend" there's sand in your crack. Right. I got'cha. :bye:

Alright, fine. 
It's crabs. Didn't want to publicly say it, but there. It's not sand, it's crabs.


Now hand me my topical cream.
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