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| SWAT Backyard Complete Run | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 25 2010, 04:40 PM (4,394 Views) | |
| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:40 PM Post #1 |
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Keith
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Making sure these don't get lost on the SWAT board, I figured I'd archive my "fed" as it were. ![]() -Geoff *********************************** Squared Circle In Review I don’t know what the management at SWAT is smoking, but I wish they’d share it. For some bizarre, unfathomable reason, the governing body actually agreed to give wrestlecrap favourite, Vile “Vince” Viper, his own SWAT territory. Giving this guy THE book? This reeks of desperation. Anything to pimp their new website: http://z7.invisionfree.com/S_W_A_T/index.php?. Still, despite how absolutely horrible this show’s prospects are I couldn’t help picking up a DVD of their first show. It’s like a horrible car wreck, with bodies strewn all over the road. You know it’s wrong to watch wreckage, you’re disgusted with yourself for staring... but you can’t look away. S.W.A.T. BACKYARD 7/8/09 “Rumble in the Roses” Our tape opens with a vignette from SWAT headquarters, in which the owners and various management figures discuss the prospects of a new federation. The set gives a distinctly “Justice League of America” vibe, with the assorted characters seated around a table, wondering what new villain will threaten S.W.A.T.’s existence this week. Adrian Tanner runs into the room. Adrian Tanner: “YOU GAVE VILE VINCE VIPER HIS OWN REGION!?” There were some expletives in there. SWAT management admit that while they were never familiar with VVV’s work, that Adrian Tanner’s enthusiasm for their upcoming match, really sold them on what a “big star” Viper is. Poor delusional fools. They figured he’d “start a branch in his home country of Romania, drag some high profile friends in, and pump up their European market.” On paper it isn’t a bad idea. Adrian Tanner: “YOU GAVE VILE VINCE VIPER HIS OWN REGION!?!” Tanner weighs in with another very valid argument. A page runs in a tape of Viper’s first show. Turning to a large projector in their fortress of solitude, the SWAT board of directors start to watch the tape... we cut to the promo tape itself from their point of view. “Arizona. Rocky Mountains. The Caribbean. Springfield. Australia... now we boldly go where no SWAT has gone before... the backyard!” The Genesis version of “Land of Confusion” blasts under footage of poorly trained teenagers hitting each other improperly with sharp objects. The images of white trash are inter-spliced with the elderly albino Vile “Vince” Viper laughing at the camera. The rapid fire succession of images is almost hypnotic. I threw up. Most disturbing is the frequent appearance of American flags; this potential lawsuit is NOT on European soil but in SWAT’s own backyard if you will. The montage ends with the kid’s broken bodies sprawled across some grass making up the words: “S.W.A.T. BACKYARD.” How they got the dots is beyond me. Back at SWAT central intelligence, mouths gapping open, and eyes widen. An angry and embarrassed looking Tanner stomps off before anyone can blame him for bringing the old freakshow to the federation. One comment sums up the general mood of the room. Soutter: “He FUCKED us!” We then cut to footage of the event itself, which is handheld, and VERY shaky. There seems to only be the one camera, which somehow manages to make Cloverfield look steady. This is going to be rough to watch. The things I go through for my readers. A helpful graphic in the corner helpfully misinforms us that we are: LIVE! From Laura Rosenthal’s backyard! 190 Falcon Ave. Greensboro, N.C. The backyard is 90 feet deep, 20 across... which is barely enough room for the ring to fit. More than one fence post is sticking through the slack ropes. Closer to the house is an enclosed patio, where the wrestlers seem to be entering from, while the other side of the yard has the fans... mostly young men in their early teens chugging down beer. Despite a helpful graphic that says the event is sold out, I can’t see the attendance being more than 25... most of which are probably the show’s “wrestlers.” Human Guinea Pig vs. Spud Boy Thank god for match listings. I have no idea who either of these guys are, but at least with the names it’s an easy guess. The Human Guinea Pig is dressed in a giant Guinea pig costume. Spud Boy is not dressed as a potato... but it might help. The crowd seem to enjoy HGP’s outfit, and it’s hard to blame them. You need to focus on something to avoid the “action.” Spud Boy misses a closeline... so he tries it again. Ugh. HGP waits a few seconds before realizing he’s been hit, and then flies through the air at 360-degrees. Spud Boy runs back into the ropes, only to trip on a fence post that’s poking into the ring. Jumping back to his feet, Human Guinea Pig hits a snap dropick to the knee, then goes up top for an ugly looking splash which misses its mark. Spud Boy starts to work a headlock... only to have HGP’s mask/head pop off. The thirteen-year-old in the costume doesn’t know quite how to react, so sells the mask loss like death. Throwing the guinea pig head into the crowd, Spud Boy hooks the leg for an easy three count. Winner: Spud Boy Rating: Will be generous with a negative -**... this isn’t starting out well. Neither “wrester” involved looked like they had any business in the ring, the few moves they watched on TV and emulated were incredibly poorly executed. On the upside, no one was seriously hurt, and the Guinea Pig costume is cute. After the match, the kid dressed in the pig costume runs through the small crowd trying to get his “head” back while they play keep away. One of the audience members kicks the guinea pig head into another yard. Vicious. HGP shoves him. The kid (EDITOR’S NOTE: Bad Boy) looks like another personality so we might see this pay off on a future show. ...God I hope not. Another kid (EDITOR’S NOTE: Hardcore Hero) starts to jump the fence to get HGP’s mask, but an angry neighbour tells him to “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY YARD! Don’t you know that objects that fall into Old Man Jenkins’s yard belong to him! You whipersnappers’ll never get this back!” You can’t make up dialog that retarded. Old Man Jenkins looks about twenty years younger than Viper. This retarded exchanged leads the old man to hop the fence into the ring, where’s he met by the kid... HARDCORE HERO vs. Old Man Jenkins Jenkins has his rake with him. Hero stands there for a heavily choreographed shot to the stomach, doubling over; Hero waits for Jenkins to run the rake across his back. Hero just stands there while Jenkins runs it across his back again and again... almost expecting blood, but not getting any. A shot from the wooden handle knocks Hero to the canvas, giving Jenkins a chance to work up the crowd. The shaky camerawork doesn’t take a hint, and holds on Hero as the masochist blades his back. An awkward reach, Hero cuts way to deep, sending blood gushing all over the canvas. When the crowd sees the state of Hardcore’s back, they fear the rake even more. Turning, Jenkins breaks the rake across Hero’s head. Ignoring the blood, Hero just eggs the old man on... and gets stabbed in the forehead with the broken handle. Hero no sells it, asking Old Man Jenkins to do it again. The crowd is eating this shit up, but it really is disgusting to watch. A forth stabbing slashes a vein, which causes blood to spurt out all over the delighted crowd. Shaking it off, the Hardcore Hero kicks the old man in the stomach, and hits a DDT... for three? You’re joking, right? Winner: Hardcore Hero Rating: -* Ugh. Masochist gets cut up, and then hits one move to win it. More disturbing is the old man comedy routine doing the punishment. Just creepy. Post match, a celebrating Hardcore Hero reaches into an irate Jenkins yard, and hands the guinea pig mask back to a crying Human Guinea Pig. The two raise their arms in celebration, as I wish for my DVD player to break. Elephant’s HEAD vs. Illegal Alien Gardner One of these guys is wearing a giant Elephant’s head. I’m not sure which he is suppose to be, but I think I saw him in Wild Bill’ Season’s Beatings. The character not dressed as an elephant charges at the other with a garden hoe... only to get scooped into a bodyslam. The guy with the MASSIVE Elephant mask starts to climb up in the corner... only to buckle under the weight of his costume. It’s not very practical. The elephant wrestler falls out of the ring, landing in a bed of tulips. The guy with the garden sheers charges to the outside, also stomping on the flowers... Suddenly out of the crowd comes AUDREY 2. The villainous plant monster from the Little Shop of Horror movies seems upset by the trampling of the flower bed. It’s sort of like when W*NG used to use horror monsters as gimmicks... I don’t think Viper has the rights to Little Shop of Horrors either. The carnivorous plant monster is actually made up of five wrestlers. One dressed as the top half of the mouth, another dressed as the bottom half. One guy is dressed as the pot... but wearing a green sweater, his arms act as tentacles... then two others dressed as giant tentacles. It’s actually an inventive costume, even if it oozes of wrestle crap. AUDREY 2 attacks the two offending wrestlers leading too... AUDREY 2 vs. Elephant’s HEAD & Illegal Alien Gardner One of the tentacles kicks Gardner in the groin, while the two mouth wrestlers pretend to eat / splash the hell out of Elephant’s HEAD. JIP. We somehow got in the ring, where one tentacle chokes out Elephant’s HEAD, while the two mouths take turns stomping on the Gardner. JIP. One tentacle kneels on the ground, while the other tentacle pushes Elephant’s head, tripping him. JIP. With Gardner in a tree of woe, both mouth wrestlers pose in the corner, standing on his crotch. JIP. Left Tentacle giant swings Elephant’s HEAD over and over and over and over and over again. Could make a guy dizzy, just watching! JIP. The pot portion of the inane gimmick sits down on Gardner’s chest for the academic pin. Winner: AUDREY 2. Rating: ...This was far too edited to assign a rating. Don’t know if that’s the cover-up for potential problems with the gimmick, but it’s a hell of a gimmick anyway. Stupid but fun. Suddenly out of the patio comes S.W.A.T. ICON Adrian Tanner Jr. who looks out of place. Tanner enters the ring, encourages the young wrestling hopefuls that just worked, before stating that what they watch on television is done by trained professionals and shouldn’t be tried at home. That doesn’t go over well. Fortunately the SWAT Backyard crew are big fans of Tanner... otherwise he could be lynched for suggestions like that. Tanner continues to admonish that Backyard wrestling is wrong. This is an abomination of an organization he loves, and proceeds to call out Vile “Vince” Viper. VVV enters through the patio as well. Almost like their backstage grievance couldn’t been dealt with inside the house? As the trash talk ensues, the 20 kids in attendance are actually behind Viper, which is a great testament to NOT sniffing glue. Tanner lists off the MILLION REASONS why this “federation” is a bad idea, and INSULTING to S.W.A.T.’s great legacy. Viper tells Tanner that if he REALLY wants to dash the kid’s dreams, and put them out of business... he’ll give him a chance. Viper will close S.W.A.T. Backyard if Tanner can defeat Viper’s star pupil, “Sexy Cowboy” Barry Malone. Tanner agrees... leading us too... The Future of S.W.A.T. BACKYARD “Arizona Assassin” Adrian Tanner Jr. vs. “Sexy Cowboy” Barry Malone Well... never heard of Malone who looks fifteen, but could we finally see a match break out of negative star territory? Tanner goes for a lock-up, but Malone buries a boot in his midsection. As Tanner doubles over, Malone pulls him into a powerbomb. Malone looks like he weighs 90 pounds, and as he gets Tanner up in the air it’s no surprise when he falls over. Tanner is quickly up to his feet, and moves in for the kill, when he looks into Malone’s eyes and realizes that something is wrong. The bell rings. Winner: NO CONTEST Rating: ...what did we just see? Post-match Tanner looks gutted, as a half-dozen teens whip out their blackberries to call an ambulance. Entering the ring, Viper pushes Tanner away from Malone. Tanner is in shock, looking like he wants to curl up and die, as Viper screams for medical help. Why would they include THIS on the DVD? I realize that Tanner is the main draw for the show, but if Malone is seriously injured, this is inappropriate by the show’s standards. Out of the crowd of young teenage males, pushes “RSO” Frank Wilkes. Yelling at Viper to give the kid some room to breathe, “RSO” Frank Wilkes starts to massage the Sexy Cowboy’s heart, and give Malone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The crowd looks grim, as Wilkes goes to work. In the background, Tanner looks near tears. A siren is heard. Our shaky videographer starts to run down a laneway, up to the front of the house, where an ambulance waits. Throwing open the backdoors, two paramedics exit carrying a stretcher. The videographer almost falls over, as he runs back up the laneway after them. In the ring, another of the wrestlers I don’t know (EDITOR’S NOTE: Sirius Man) has started to question “RSO” Frank Wilkes on his medical training. While the two men start to argue, the paramedics brace Malone’s neck. The drunken crowd manage to maintain a respectful silence. Fastening Malone down, the paramedics run him down the laneway, a visibly upset Tanner runs alongside, with the shaky camera following behind. As the group goes out to the front, the ambulance takes off without them. Ambulance Brawl Vile “Vince” Viper vs. Six Demon Bag Yeah... the ambulance brought in for a serious injury, is now the prop stipulation of another contest. No longer a shaky camera, when Viper is wrestling, we actually have a camera mounted to the hood of a car following behind the ambulance. It says a lot that they have real production values when the booker shows up... almost like they could make a half-decent product, but are too lazy too. Stupid name aside, Six Demon Bag is actually a wrestler I recognize, which is always a plus. He has a decent reputation as a garbage wrestler. So when VVV decides to wrestle, he hires REAL wrestlers, instead of taking on kids. Might want to note that next time Tanner! The ambulance speeds along empty streets, while Viper and Six Demon take turns throwing each other into walls, throwing punches, and teasing falling out of the moving vehicle. I once saw a wrestling match on a moving flatbed truck... this is a little faster, but not much better. Six Demon starts to throw Viper out, but VVV puts the breaks on. Opening a medical kit, Six Demon starts to throw syringes at Viper. The old man dodges them; letting most of the medical equipment hit our camera. Grabbing a crutch, VVV breaks it across Six Demon’s back, sending the big man towards the edge of the ambulance. Six Demon teases it, but puts the breaks on. Another shot breaks Six Demon’s nose open... but a sharp turn keeps the larger monster from falling out. Grabbing a wheelchair, Six Demon wraps it around Viper’s head. A syringe goes straight through Viper’s cheek. Breaking another crutch over Triple V’s back, Six Demon Bag forces the old man into the wheelchair, then pushes it towards the open backdoors. Vile jumps out of the wheelchair, just before it rolls out of the truck. Picking up a stretcher, Six Demon Bag brings it down across 32theV’s back, over and over again... then starts using it to prod Viper towards the edge. Six Demon is keeping his distance, while pushing Viper inches away from the edge. Another sharp turn sees Six Demon lose his footing, while VVV rolls back away from the edge. Pulling out a bag of scalpels, Six Demon Bag steadies his footing, slashing down at the old man. Grabbing a defibrillator, Viper shocks Six Demon Bag into the wall... then charges up for another shot, which sends Demon out of the moving vehicle, crashing into the camera mounted on the car behind. Winner: Vile “Vince” Viper Rating: ** Not surprising that they managed to get out of negative country, the first pair of “professional” professional wrestlers on the show. The teases of elimination were well done and added a sense of tension that elevated this above the uninspired brawling it ultimately was. Post-match, the ambulance starts to slow down with Viper laughing from the exit, while Six Demon Bag groans from his cradle of broken glass in the car’s window. We go back to the shaky footage of the backyard event, to find “RSO” Frank Wilkes still arguing with a few of the wrestlers. A large portion of the fans have left the event, not caring for the tone set by the Sexy Cowboy’s accident. With only ten people still in attendance, the referee produces a gold championship belt. How easy are those to get? S.W.A.T. ULTIMATE TITLE match “Registered Sex Offender” Frank Wilkes vs. Sirius Man Okay... according to the match listing, the guy Wilkes is arguing with is called Sirius Man. He wears a mask that looks like a dog, covered in white and black stars. Not sure if he’s another one of the untrained kids that Viper is taking advantage of, but he has a professional looking outfit, which is always a plus. Wilkes pulls Sirius into a hard kneelift which sends the masked man into the ropes. A crossbody block knocks both men to the outside, where they land in a patch of roses. Plucking one of the roses, Wilkes poses with it in his mouth, while stomping on Sirius throat. A drop toehold sends Wilkes tumbling into the roses. Jumping into the wooden fence, Sirius comes off with a Asai moonsault, further grinding Wilkes into the thorny flowers. Dragging Wilkes further into the painful flowerbed, Sirius locks on a camel clutch. Wilkes reaches back trying to face rake out of it, but Sirius mask prevents it. Hey what do you know, the referee is actually making a 10 count... that gets Sirius to let go. Running along the apron, Sirius catches Wilkes with a somersault senton, before re-entering the ring. Pulling thorns out of his midsection, Wilkes re-enters at 8. Sirius goes for a spinning heel kick, but Wilkes ducks under it. Another spinning heel kick is caught by RSO who turns it into a Rolling Texas cloverleaf. Sirius manages to roll into an awkward, but effective, inside cradle for 2. Both men are quickly up to their feet, where Sirius ducks a big boot, and then pulls off a small package for 2. Both men up again, this time Wilkes nails a BRUTAL knee lift to the face. A jumping belly-to-back suplex gets a near fall. Choking Sirius against the ropes, Wilkes starts to undo the younger man’s mask. Pulling Sirius off the ropes, Wilkes is about to tear the mask off, when Sirius nails a neckbreaker. A spinning neckbreaker sends RSO back into the ropes... setting the veteran up for a handspring elbow. A slingshot legdrop gets 2. An Asai Moonsault gets 2 and a half. Then a Dog Star Driver almost wraps things up at 2.9 repeating. Going up top, Sirius goes for the Shooting Dog Star... only to have Wilkes catch him with a mule kick for 2. Over the head belly-to-belly suplex gets 2. Wilkes then starts to go for the Victimizer, only to have Sirius reverse into a Dog Star Driver... rather than go for the pin, Sirius starts to go up top. Taking too long, Wilkes starts to follow the young man up top... the two jockey for position, before Wilkes plants Sirius with a jumping belly-to-back superplex... the crowd dies for the 3 count. Winner: *NEW* S.W.A.T. Ultimate champion “Registered Sex Offender” Frank Wilkes Rating: *** ...surprisingly well done. The only downside is the Wilkes title win. Clearly Wilkes has paid his debt to society, but using that aspect of his life to score heat is appalling. Plus, one has to question: would Viper be handing RSO a championship if Wilkes didn’t have a bad reputation? I don’t think he would. More of an added insult to SWAT than anything else... still, competent wrestling is a welcome change, and I’d like to see more of Sirius Man, if not of Backyard. After the match Frank Wilkes poses with the title, offering to buy more beer for a few of the young fans, while Viper addresses the INCREDIBLY small crowd. Vile “Vince” Viper: Thanks for coming! Couldn’t this have been the best SWAT show ever? No VVV. No it couldn’t. In Conclusion: RECOMMENDATION TO AVOID. Its backyard wrestling so you know what you’re getting into... but this isn’t just bad wrestling, it’s BAD by the standards of Backyard wrestling. The main event is worth checking out if you can find an RSO compilation (they exist), and the brawl was good, if not by the standards of those involved... otherwise not a great start. TripleV has a reputation for losing interest in pet projects, and letting them go quickly, but here’s hoping SWAT manages to cancel this “region,” before anyone else gets hurt. |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:41 PM Post #2 |
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Keith
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Squared Circle in Review “There was a time when John Wayne made people swoon. We’d help Gary Cooper if he asked us. Gene Autry could serenade us anytime. Errol Flynn road in the high saddle, and Randolph Scott made Cary Grant question his sexuality. Henry Fonda was cruel, but fair. Senoritas would delight at being kidnapped by bandits, just to have Jimmy Stewart save them. The west got uglier, but we were just as excited to watch Clint Eastwood put down our local sheriff. Even as times changed, children still played cowboys and Indians, who would be Billy the Kid... and who would be Wyatt Earp? Not anymore, my friends. The sexy cowboy is dead.” ----------- Vile “Vince” Viper gives the worst eulogies in the business. So one of my bastard readers sent me a DVD copy of the second S.W.A.T. Backyard show... my reviewing it comes out of an agreement to review anything I’m sent, more than a morbid curiosity, as I genuinely dislike this region. You would to, if you actually watched their product. On the first S.W.A.T. show a ninety pound underage teenager named Barry Malone tried to hit Adrian Tanner with a powerbomb, only to break his own neck, and subsequently die. Whether this was aggravated by Vile “Vince” Viper hijacking the kid’s ambulance to run another match is anyone’s guess... but the “wrestler” was underage, and there is talk of a serious lawsuit. So rather than ignore the situation, and give the young man some dignity in death, VVV has decided to pay tribute to him on the second show. Leading us too... S.W.A.T. BACKYARD 7/10/9 “The Sexy Cowboy Memorial Cup” While Viper reads off an inanely self-indulgent eulogy in the center of the ring, a misleading graphic in the corner of the screen claims that this is... LIVE! From Mr. Granston’s backyard! 32 Hill Crescent Buffalo, NY ...The backyard is ninety feet deep like the last show; this one has the distinction of being on the back of an actual cemetery. Having climbed over the fence, our odious S.W.A.T. Backyard staff have set up the ring itself on the cemetery grounds behind the yard. There are tombstones five feet away from the ring. I can’t think of any cemetery that would agree to it, or any person in their right mind who would want a wrestling match happening on top of their loved one’s remains... so they’re clearly doing this without a permit. Classy. The two dozen S.W.A.T. works are in the ring, listening to Viper drown on, while the audience does stay in “Granston’s yard” to view it. I don’t know if you read my last review, but it was amongst the worst shows I’ve ever seen, yet somehow the audience grew, we’re looking at around 100 fans. Vile “Vince” Viper informs everyone that “Registered Sex Offender” Frank Wilkes, the S.W.A.T. Ultimate champion, has signed an exclusive contract with Shootfire Pro Wrestling, that will prevent him from defending the title or ever appear again. I doubt SPW will let that pervert win titles. I hope it was worth leaving the only federation that ever trusted him. As a result of the shake-up, tonight’s tournament will also be for the vacant S.W.A.T. Ultimate title... oh joy. After a ten bell salute, the wrestlers sprinkle “Sexy Cowboy” Barry Malone’s ashes. Given the potential lawsuits, and lack of family at the show, I doubt those are the real ashes. The wind blows the ashes into a neighbouring yard, which draws the wrath of resident psychotic bad neighbour Old Man Jenkins who claims the ashes as his own. The ring clears, as the S.W.A.T. roster runs for their lives, less Jenkins hit them with his rake. This is all an overly retarded set-up for our first tournament match. Sexy Cowboy Memorial Cup Round 1 Old Man Jenkins w/rake vs. Elephant’s HEAD Jenkins attacks as Elephant tries to enter, tying his giant head up in the ropes. The weight of Elephant’s HEAD keeps the masked wrestler dangling out of the ring, unable to move, less he fall over. Taking advantage, Jenkins works him over with his rake, running it across HEAD’s chest. JIP. A flying rake shot knocks HEAD into the ring. A rake shot from the second rope gets a 2 count. Jenkins starts to choke Elephant with the handle of his rake, breaking on a five count... then again for another five count. The referee starts to admonish the Old Man, when Jenkins turns back, Elephant’s HEAD TUSKS him out of the ring. JIP. As Jenkins re-enters, Elephant goes for another TUSK... only to have Jenkins throw Sexy Cowboy’s ashes in Elephant’s HEAD’s face! Rather than blinding him, the ashes seem to waft into Elephant’s HEAD’s trunk... Elephant’s HEAD becomes POSESSED WITH THE SPIRIT OF THE SEXY COWBOY! Old Man Jenkins can’t back peddle fast enough, as Elephant’s HEAD starts unloading with all of Sexy Cowboy’s patented moves. The Six Shooter. JIP. The Virginianizer. JIP. The Tumbleweed tussle! The crowd pops hard at the sight of every Cowboy move... rather than question the ethics of killing a child, and milking his memory for a cheap buck. A Super Six Shooter puts Old Man Jenkins down... but before Elephant’s HEAD can cover for the win, he sneezes. Whether it’s the spirit or the ashes, Elephant’s HEAD’s giant trunk stands up, as he sneezes a large stream of blood out of the ring, towards the fans. The unrealistic blood spray lasts four minutes. I counted. Recovering while the blood is shooting, Old Man Jenkins breaks character long enough to his a rolling thunder with his rake for the 3 count. Winner: Old Man Jenkins. Rating: I don’t rate clipped matches.... but from what we saw... this was offensively bad pandering. Post-match, Old Man Jenkins promises to “swallow your souls,” while Elephant’s HEAD continues to act like the Sexy Cowboy. Ugh. SEXY COWBOY MEMORIAL CUP ROUND 1 Sadako vs. Sirius Man ...Booker Vile “Vince” Viper has a questionable love of the old W*NG promotion, particularly their use of unlicensed movie monsters. While W*NG had classics like Leatherface and Jason, Viper prefers less adaptable source material like Little Shop of Horrors. So when the referee places a television in the ring, its little surprise when a four-year-old girl resembling the monster from RINGU decides to jump out of it. Most of the match is Sirius Man throwing himself around the canvas as a result of the small child’s “psychic powers.” We thankfully JIP forwards to Sirius NAILING a Dog Star Driver on the little girl, which picks up the three count. I did not expect that. Winner: Sirius Man Rating: Again, this was clipped to under a minute. I’m not sure I’d want to see more than a minute, and it was a good sight gag... but good wrestling? Blah. Post-Match: Sadako tells the camera that the Sexy Cowboy has 7 days to live. Cold. Ice cold. SEXY COWBOY MEMORIAL CUP ROUND 1 Six Demon Bag vs. “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson I figured garbage wrestling celebrity, Six Demon Bag, was just a guest star on the last show, but he appears to be making more regular appearances for S.W.A.T. Backyard. How bad is the state of wrestling? Six Demon is actually a big deal compared to the untrained teenagers that make up the bulk of the roster, even if he couldn’t wrestle his way out of a Six Demon Bag. Look for Six Demon to take the tournament as pay back for actually laying down for the egomaniacal booker on the last show. According to the match listing, Six Demon’s opponent’s named “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson... which might be the sickest gimmick I’ve ever heard of. Demon charges out of the corner with a sickle, that the haemophiliac clearly wants no part of. JIP. Haemophiliac runs around the ringside area, while Six Demon chases after him with an axe. JIP. In the ring, Johnson uses a series of feints, arm drags, and wristlocks to disarm the Demon, actually dragging the larger man through a nice chain wrestling sequence. JIP. Six Demon Bag empties a bag of tacks onto the canvas. JIP. Haemophiliac, teases falling into the tacks, then kicks them out of the way; he continues to wrestle circles around Six Demon, while pushing the potentially deadly tacks out of the ring. JIP. Haemophiliac backdrops Demon over, again, and again, then starts to pull him into his finisher when he stops short. Six Demon Bag has poked him in the arm with a pin. Horrified as the first drop of blood, Bill Johnson runs out of the ring, racing back towards the house for medical help. He is counted out, as Six Demon laps up the jeers. Winner: Six Demon Bag by Count Out Rating: Bill Johnson is the first of the rookies I’ve seen here that was genuinely impressive. The gimmick is odd, and played perfectly to Six Demon’s strengths, making the cult hero look even more villainous than usual. That said, just when the action was getting good, they chopped it out, and the ending was retarded. I’m not rating this, but it looked like around **. SEXY COWBOY MEMORIAL CUP ROUND 1 Brian Calypso vs. Audrey 2 I remember Calypso from my youth. He headlined a few PPVs with Viper back in the early days of the NWWA. He looks rusty, but can’t be as dangerous as some of the lesser known talent. Audrey 2 is modelled after the killer venus flytrap from the movies Little Shop of Horrors... with five different wrestlers manipulating different parts of the costume not unlike a pantomime horse. The five wrestlers making up one creature is an amazing visual, and lends itself to some marvellous double teams... but right from the start we see more of a gang beating. JIP. Calypso shoves the left tentacle off him, then headbutts the right, before charging forwards with a double closeline to take out both mouth pieces. A kneelift catches the pot right in the face, before Brian lands on it with a senton. Limbo Line follows on the guy playing the lower mouth, which leads to a pin attempt which is broken up by the Right Tentacle. Calypso takes down the Right Tentacle, then mounts it with rights and lefts, grounding and pounding the kid before the Left Tentacle takes him down with a bulldog. JIP. Right and Left Tentacles lock on half bostons, while the upper mouth puts Calypso in a full nelson... the lower mouth stands on Calypso’s back in a pose. JIP. Calypso is in the tree of woe, with all five members posing while standing on his crotch. JIP. Calypso takes the Upper Mouth’s head off with a leg lariat, and goes for another pin, before its broken by the pot. JIP. Each tentacle and mouth piece holds a limb, pulling Calypso in opposite directions, while POT comes off the top with a double stomp. With the tentacles still holding Calypso’s legs down, the pin is academic. Winner: Audrey 2 Rating: This is more of a clip show at this point. Might have been good, but in this form, we’ll never know. Hopefully Calypso comes back for the future, and the guys making up Audrey 2 are definitely worth keeping an eye on. As the first round of tournament matches ends, Vile “Vince” Viper stands atop a mausoleum looking over the backyard for another speech. A raffle wheel is next to him. S.W.A.T. Backyard is introducing some new tag team titles... the TWINSTAR championships. All the wrestlers names are in raffle wheel, and the participants will be picked out of it. The winners will defend against teams of randomly picked wrestlers in the future. So Twinstar is the random singles pairing belts. At least they’re upfront about it. Spinning the wheel, the first name Viper selects for the first championship match is Adrian Tanner Jr. The crowd seem stunned. Tanner doesn’t look pleased. Viper looks less than happy as well. The wheel is spun again, and Tanner’s partner will be... Vile “Vince” Viper. This was the problem with battle bowl, and all seemingly “random” rumble orders. The guys who were feuding would always wind up on the same team, despite being statistically impossible... just like how the tag partners would somehow get stuck in the rumble against one another, even when it made NO SENSE. So one team is Vile “Vince” Viper and Adrian Tanner. ...And the other team sees: “Handsome” Henry. I didn’t know he was on the roster. ...And his partner will be "The Perfect Gentleman" Edgar Caspian. Who is his regular partner. So Tanner is stuck tagging with Viper against two ringers, who used to be sidekicks of the old man. Suddenly the lottery seems even more rigged, and VVV isn’t as upset about working with Tanner. Oh, and Viper decides since they’re already in a cemetery, they might as well make it a double buried alive match. Will you people stop sending me these tapes? SEXY COWBOY MEMORIAL CUP ROUND 2 Old Man Jenkins vs. Sirius Man JIP right off the back, to Sirius Man leap frogging over a rake shot, running into the ropes, rebounding, and rolling under another rake shot. The crowd eats it up, as Sirius is easily their top baby face... not that that’s saying much. A slingshot headbutt takes Jenkins down for a 2 count. A standing Shooting Dog Star almost finishes things off with a 2.9. JIP. Jenkins breaks the rake across Sirius back. JIP. Jenkins rams the broken stick into Sirius’ face, trying to tear open the mask. JIP. Dog Star Driver onto the end of the rake finishes Jenkins off. Winner: Sirius Man Rating: ...The cutting of this one was even more disjointed than the others. Drive through. Post-match, Sirius Man dips into Jenkins’ bag of stolen objects and starts throwing them out to the crowd, baseballs, Frisbees, Sexy Cowboy ashes... the crowd eat it up, cheering Sirius on... and a few of them swaggering like cowboys. SEXY COWBOY MEMORIAL CUP ROUND 2 Six Demon Bag vs. Audrey 2 As the bell rings, Six Demon Bag pulls out a scythe, chopping the upper mouth portion in half. A fistful of salt takes out the RIGHT Tentacle, while Six Demon Bag starts to go to work on Audrey 2’s lower mouth, hacking the poor guy up. The one thing about gangs of monsters is... they don’t look well screaming for mercy, being picked apart by more monstrous characters. The best gimmick they had, booked into oblivion as Six Demon Bag starts chasing the POT around ringside with a butcher knife. Not trying to take away from Audrey 2 which is a great costume, or Six Demon Bag who is a legit scary bastard, but Viper is the WORST BOOKER EVER. A referee tries to intervene, only to take a chain to the throat... and THAT draws a DQ? WTF!? Winner: Audrey 2 by DQ... Rating: This wasn’t clipped, so I can give it -*** stars for the shitty booking. Post-match. The horrific beatdown continues, with Audrey 2 getting massacred by the mass murderer of the Indy Wrestling scene. It’s mostly clips, and sadistic at that... but the crowd actually starts getting behind Audrey 2 by the end of the beating. Not what you want in a gang warfare enforcer type... Hardcore Hero & Human Guinea Pig vs. Bad Boy & Spud Boy Okay. So on the last show, Spud Boy beat Guinea Pig, then picked on him with Bad Boy, which brought Hardcore Hero to his aid. Simple storytelling yes, but if Viper could stick to it, these shows would be a lot more bearable. The downside is, these aren’t the best wrestlers in the world. Guinea Pig tries to emulate a few moves, but mostly is there to land on his head. Hero does sadistic brawling, the only move in his arsenal being a DDT... and the less said about Spud Boy the better. I haven’t seen Bad Boy yet... but can one man carry this whole ordeal? Why would anyone put these four together? At least it kept them out of the tournament, not that that helped much. Human Guinea Pig has his neck duct taped up, which is a nice touch considering he lost it last show. Cute. Bad Boy and Pig start... with Bad Boy trying to hit an eye gouge, finding it won’t work because of the mask... so ripping off the mask to hit an eye gouge. He does unpleasant well. Putting the mask back on, a series of low blows follow, before tossing it into the corner. Heels double team Pig with a spike piledriver, before stomping the crap out of him. Bad Boy tags out, then chokes HGP while Spud Boy takes his time coming in. Snap mare, followed by a knee strike. Spud Boy Irish whips Human Guinea Pig into the corner, then goes for a closeline, but misses. So he does it again. And misses. So he does it again. And misses. So he tries to repeat the move. And misses. So he reaches down deep, and busts out another closeline and misses. Not sure if he can remember what to do next if he doesn’t hit this spot, so tries again, and misses. So he tries to repeat the move and fails. Then he tries it again, just to show he’s growing as a wrestler, he isn’t. Growing frustrated, Spud Boy tries to hit the move faster and more aggressively... it doesn’t help. Human Guinea Pig looks like mush as a result of all the Irish whips, but Spud Boy won’t be happy until he nails that closeline. He misses. This is good comedy, no? No, he misses. It isn’t being played for laughs. He misses. That’s just sad. He misses. Finally, Hardcore Hero enters the ring as Spud Boy sets up the closeline one more time... before Spud Boy can try, Hero brings up a staple gun to the kids forehead. I dislike Hero, and even _I_ marked for that. Bad Boy charges into the ring, but Hero backdrops him out. In the ring, Spud Boy pulls out the staple, then tries for the move again, this time Human Guinea Pig leaps into the ropes, and dives off with a senton that hits its mark. Outside in the cemetery, Hardcore Hero throws Bad Boy into tombstone after tombstone. Human Guinea Pig drags Spud Boy to the top rope for a... flying inside cradle. Which seems like an odd move to use up top... but he hits it for 3. Your Winners: Hardcore Hero & Human Guinea Pig Rating: ...On a tape where EVERY OTHER MATCH IS CLIPPED... _WHY_ on _EARTH_ did we have to see seven minutes of a guy blowing the same spot? Negative -**** stars... I’d give it negative five... but we still have matches to go, and I don’t want to dare them to redefine my conceptions of badness. While Hero and Human Guinea Pig celebrate with the crowd, our shaky camera moves backstage where some fake look paramedics look in on the heavily bandaged parts of Audrey 2. There seems to be some disagreements on who should be cleared to wrestle. This is a tribute to a guy they killed in the ring, nice to see someone took note of that. SEXY COWBOY MEMORIAL CUP FINALS Sirius Man vs. Audrey 2 I like Sirius Man... and based on Frank Wilkes behaviour, and subsequent actions, they should have given Sirius the ultimate title last show. Still, it’s better late than never. The only one coming out for Audrey 2 is LEFT Tentacle, who looks like a deer caught in the headlights. At least this’ll be a real match, instead of the gang beatings Audrey is used to. The bell rings, and LEFT Tentacle starts to go for a lock-up only to get caught with a hip attack. Sirius runs into the ropes and comes off with another hip attack that takes LEFT Tentacle down. A standing moonsault gets 1. While Sirius is getting up, LEFT Tentacle pulls him down into a dragon sleeper... but Sirius has the presence of mind to roll out of it, getting to his feet just in time to hit tentacle with a dropkick to the “face.” A diving headbutt gets Sirius a 2 count. An Asai moonsault picks up 2.5. Going up top, Sirius breaks out a flying legdrop... only to have LEFT Tentacle slither out of the way. A throat thrust knocks Sirius to the canvas. An elbowdrop gets Tentacle a 1 count. A running elbowdrop gets a 2 count. Yanking Sirius up, Tentacle whips the masked man into the corner hard, pulling him into an abdominal stretch as Sirius staggers out. I believe this is Tentacle’s finisher, “the constrictor,” not that it will do much good. S.W.A.T. BACKYARD might not be much, but the belt is important to Sirius, who isn’t about to submit. Sirius breaks the move, hip tossing Tentacle into the corner, before firing in with a splash. Before Tentacle can fall out, Sirius doubles back, going for a spear, but Tentacle sidesteps it, once again locking on his “constrictor.” He doesn’t have the biggest arsenal at his disposal. Again Sirius breaks the hold, this time stomping Tentacle’s “foot,” before dropping down with a bulldog. This isn’t making Tentacle’s finisher look good. A standing moonsault gets 1. Grabbing Tentacle by the “arm,” Sirius drags him into the far corner, before locking on the Star Crossed Armbreaker. Pushing forwards, Tentacle rolls Sirius into a half-assed inside cradle for a 1 count. Letting go of the armbreaker, Sirius keeps Tentacle grounded with a thrust kick to the head. Jumping up into the corner, Sirius sucks the crowd in with his triple moonsault... getting a 2.5. A flying double stomp also gets 2.5. Lifting Tentacle up, Sirius drills him with a Dog Star Driver... for 2.9 repeating. Tentacle doesn’t have the moves to put Sirius away, and Sirius is using everything he has to put Tentacle away. The audience appreciate the monster sidekick’s heart. Growing frustrated, Sirius starts to go for a Shooting Dog Star... but Tentacle seems to be moving, so Sirius comes back down, jumping off the middle ropes with a kneedrop to ground the kid. Sirius starts to run up top for a Shooting Dog Star... only to get caught up top, LEFT Tentacle drags him back with a super armdrag, spiking Sirius’ head. As the masked man looks completely out of it, LEFT Tentacle locks on his constrictor... the referee raises Sirius’ arm three times, but S.W.A.T. Backyard’s favourite son is out cold. Not sure if that was the planned finish, as Tentacle looks as shocked as the referee looks hesitant, but there you have it. Sexy Cowboy Memorial Cup Winner and *NEW* S.W.A.T. Ultimate Champion, LEFT Tentacle. Rating: ***1/2 ...of all the wrestlers in Audrey 2, Left Tentacle has the weakest offense prevented this from being a “classic” but by BACKYARD standards, this is probably the best match they’ve put on. The upset at the end seemed really fresh, though you have to feel for Sirius... when it comes to the strap, he just can’t catch a break. They announce LEFT Tentacle as the winner, rather than the collective title Audrey 2... It’ll be interesting to see how the rest of the gang / entity react. Post-match, the heavily bandaged members of Audrey 2 come out to show their support, while the drunken teenage audience body surfs LEFT Tentacle around. The referee checks on Sirius who probably has a concussion. Security tries to get Sirius out of the ring to check on him, not out of concern, but to get the show on the road for our main event. DOUBLE BURIED ALIVE MATCH For the Vacant S.W.A.T. TWINSTAR TITLES Vile “Vince” Viper & Adrian Tanner vs. The Dirty Rotten Gentlemen Caspian is one of the best technical wrestlers in the game, Henry is known for the wrestling school he runs these days which was responsible for such stars as DEATHKNELL and Jean Pierre Celine. As a team they’ve won at least a half-dozen world tag titles. Their opponents are both RSPWF / EWRT wrestlers of the year. If S.W.A.T. Backyard had a sure fire five star classic... the talent in this can pull it off. If the sleazy gimmick or stupid booking doesn’t kill it... there are a number of open graves around the ring. This is a real cemetery. They should be ashamed. Tanner and Viper exchange dirty looks before the match. There’s the bell and... Viper, Henry, and Caspian beat the shit out of Tanner. There is nothing pretty or clever about the moves they use. Break a shovel across his back, then kick him while he’s down until he’s black and blue. Viper kicks Tanner into an open grave, before Henry and Caspian proceed to shovel dirt down on him. When Tanner has about three feet of top soil covering his body, Viper starts to act like “how did that happen?” Viper actually leans down over the grave... Vile “Vince” Viper: ADRIAN MY FRIEND, DON’T WORRY, I’LL SAVE YOU! ...At this point Viper hits the weakest double axe bomber to knock the gentlemen down. Henry and Caspian sell like madmen, stumbling over themselves, running away on their knees, and regrouping on the other side of the ring, where they hug each other sympathetically. The classic cowardly heel duo act like their afraid for their lives, while Viper poses like a hero. The crowd eats this up. Keep in mind that Viper encourages teenagers to disregard safety warnings and hit piledrivers on siblings, while Tanner speaks out against it... so Vile is kind of the good guy here. While the ludicrous posturing continues, Tanner has been buried alive for at least four minutes. Viper starts to chase the Gentlemen around with a shovel, trying to distract the audience from his attempted murder. Adrian Tanner’s head pops out of his grave, as he tries to fight up, spitting up dirt and gasping for air. While chasing the Gentlemen, Viper goes out of his way to step on Tanner’s head... putting all his weight down on his foot to force Adrian’s mud covered face a good two feet under the ground again. Now both men do need to get buried for this match to finish, and Vile sells for no man... so Tanner will probably be in the grave long after this match is done. Henry jumps into an open grave to avoid a shovel being thrown at his head. Popping back out of the grave, Henry throws a skull at Viper. Seeing that there are “prop” bones in the “fake” open graves of this “pretend cemetery,” Caspian reaches into a grave of his own, pulling out a ribcage. The dirty rotten gentlemen start hurling bones at the old man, who wanting to face unstoppable odds starts to sell like the bastards have killed him. Henry hits Viper over the head with a leg bone. Caspian stabs Viper with the ribs, cutting the elderly albino open. Wide eyed, Caspian immediately apologizes for the mistake... Vile nods that it isn’t a problem... but the odds of us ever seeing Caspian again are slim to nil. Tanner has been buried for FAR too long. Another legshot sends Vile falling backwards into another grave. The impact causes bones to fly up into the air. Grabbing a shovel, Henry starts to throw dirt down... only to have Vile pop up with a skeletal arm, shoving the boney outstretched fingers into Henry’s eyes for a gouge. As Henry falls backwards into a grave, Vile fights his way out, bringing the shovel down on Caspian again and again... pretty stiff... looks like he’s taking liberties. Viper is a bit of an asshole. An upward swing catches the “Perfect Gentleman” on the chin, sending Caspian flying through the air at 360 degrees, before flair flopping into another grave. Vile “Vince” Viper slowly takes his time, throwing a little light dirt on top of his former sidekicks... not much; he doesn’t want to hurt them. Still, eventually the bell rings, ending this torture. Winner: *NEW* S.W.A.T. Twinstar champions Vile “Vince” Viper and Adrian Tanner Jr. Rating: -*** This could have been good, instead of what we got. This was offensive on a couple of levels, not the least of which the fact they COULD put on a good match, but chose not to. What a pathetic ego trip. Did Viper not have enough material for his wrestlecrap video? Oh, and I think I just watched an attempted murder. Ugh. UGH. Post-match: Journey starts to blast over a radio, as all the fans and wrestlers put on lays. Drinks magically appear in everyone’s hands, as there isn’t a person by the cemetery not knocking back tequila. The elaborate part celebration seems to last another ten minutes, before the referee hands Viper the tag titles. Oh, that’s right, Triple V remembers he has a partner. Slowly walking back to the covered grave, Vile is “delighted” to find Adrian Tanner pulling himself out of the grave, coughing up blood and mud. Viper hands Tanner one of the Tag titles. Vile “Vince” Viper: I picked up the slack partner! The shit eating grin on 32theV’s face is soon wiped off as Tanner punches the old man out. Tanner looks down at his tag title, and then slumps forwards, passing out from lack of oxygen. The party continues around the two men. Conclusion: RECOMMENDATION TO AVOID. Better than the last show, there were a few matches worth watching, but unfortunately they were cut to hell. Time will tell if the Memorial finals made a new star, but it was a well done encounter where both men rose above their flaws. If you can find it by itself great, otherwise, I won’t lose any sleep if you people NEVER SEND ME ANOTHER S.W.A.T. BACKYARD show. |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:42 PM Post #3 |
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Keith
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Squared Circle In Review “We’re two shows in... and already a few of you are starting to get stagnant. A few of you are looking like clear winners... that’s good. More of you are setting yourselves up to be losers. Do you want to be remembered as losers? Tonight is REINVENTION. Where those of you who just aren’t clicking with the audience will get another shot to remind people why they should watch you. Change or die gentlemen... because doing this after two shows is ABSOLUTELY RETARDED! Is it my fault? Is it my fault because I came up with the stupid gimmicks for you? Fuck you! Probably. Fuck you! This is the last chance many of you will get. So change... or fuck off.”----------------Vile “Vince” Viper gives the worst pep talks in the business State of the Union -Our show starts with Vile “Vince” Viper giving a state of the union to his bored, angry looking roster. Adrian Tanner is still here. Wow. Talk about death wishes. The lack of oxygen last week much have given him brain damage to put it on the line again. -Viper tells us that some places actually take bets on professional wrestling, and with the money he won on LEFT Tentacle’s upset, he invested in a lot of C4. The next show will be a king of the death match tournament. To get everyone in the mood, tonight’s TWINSTAR match will be a ten minute time bomb match. Rolling the lottery wheel we discover that tonight’s challengers will be... Human Guinea Pig... and “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson. -Viper says he was impressed with the “hardcore edge” the Dirty Rotten Gentlemen displayed on the last show, so will let one of them into the KOTDM. They will wrestle in a qualifying match. “Handsome” Henry and Edgar Caspian exchange uncomfortable looks... like they’re being punished. Lastly, to prove LEFT Tentacle was not a fluke win for the purposes of gambling he’ll defend against Sirius Man in a 2 out of 3 falls match. S.W.A.T. BACKYARD 13/08/09 “Reinvention” LIVE! (again, DVDR, so not really) From Jerry Kessel’s backyard @ 98 Soudan Ave San Diego, CA Elephant’s HEAD inhaled the ashes of “Sexy Cowboy” Barry Malone by accident last show, and is now “possessed” by the spirit of the Sexy Cowboy. As a result he’s on the warpath, looking for Adrian Tanner... the man who killed him. Why do you people send this shit to me? On his way to the ring to call out Tanner, HEAD is attacked by RIGHT Tentacle... apparently looking for an easy win. Elephant’s HEAD vs. RIGHT Tentacle Trying to become a singles star in his own right, RT whips Elephant’s HEAD into the ring post... then tosses the larger luchador into the ring. Elephant turns, but RT catches him with a short-arm closeline. A running powerslam gets 2. A crucifix powerbomb gets 2.5. RT starts to pull Elephant into an elevated Boston crab... only to have Elephant break it. RTentacle charges forwards with a spear, only to have Elephant’s HEAD matrix under it. RTentacle hits a European uppercut only to have Elephant no sell it. Suddenly Elephant hits Malone’s old finisher the Six Shooter. The crowd pops hard realizing Elephant IS Barry Malone. Blah. The Virginianizer almost takes RTentacle’s head off. A delayed Tumbleweed Tussle almost knocks RTentacle out of the ring... before a High Noon Bomb finishes it at 3. Winner: “Sexy Cowboy” Elephant’s HEAD Rating. 1/2* for a glorified squash with an offensive gimmick... Post-Match: RIGHT Tentacle slithers off, looking like he wants to swallow a bullet. Coming to his senses Elephant’s HEAD realizes he’s the victim of demonic possession and freaks out, running off. The Dirty Rotten Gentlemen apologize to Viper for accidentally hitting him last week, VVV says he didn’t even notice, then wishes them luck on the qualifier. Neither character is really suited for death matches; both look ready to throw-up. Hardcore Hero vs. Sadako Hero comes out and empties two packs of cigarettes into his mouth, then proceeds to light them with a blow torch. The crowd eats it up, but I don’t think Hero gets the whole “reinvention” theme. The referee brings out a television set... placing it in the middle of the ring, where Sadako (RINGU) pops out. No sooner is Sadako out then she starts using her psychic powers. Not selling for them, perhaps unaware of what’s suppose to go on, Hardcore Hero picks up the television set and breaks it over the little girl’s head. !!!!!!!!!!!!!! The referee seems taken aback when Hero makes the cover. No kidding. Eventually Hero gets the three count. Winner: Hardcore Hero Rating: -**... these two did what they always do... just in a more annoying way. I really hope they’re using a little person instead of a little girl... not that it would make it any less wrong. Post-match: Hardcore Hero tries to get one of the teenagers in the crowd to do his two pack of smokes in the mouth blow torch trick. It doesn’t go well. Backstage Patio, Audrey 2 consoles RIGHT Tentacle. LEFT Tentacle enters with the S.W.A.T. ULTIMATE title much to the forced enthusiasm of his stable. LEFT Tentacle asks his friends if they can show him a few moves to boost his small offense against Sirius Man. Audrey 2 reassures him that he doesn’t need to worry, as they’ll be there as well. LEFT Tentacle thanks them, but would rather wrestle himself. Getting the hint that LEFT Tentacle might not be sharing his title, Audrey 2 tell him to train himself, and walk off giving Tentacle the cold shoulder. Treasure Hunter Bob vs. “No Gimmicks Needed” Jonathan Smith THB wanders through the crowd looking at a treasure map. I’m sure I’ve seen Jonathan Smith before, but he’s about the blandest character I’ve ever come across. I could have reviewed a show with him last week, and wouldn’t remember. Smith gets in some generic offense, wristlocks, waist locks, shoulder blocks, arm drags, before falling to a super atomic drop. Winner: Treasure Hunter Bob Rating: DUD. Why would they bother putting this match on? For a double debut, neither character looked good at all. Post-match: Treasure Hunter Bob is celebrating his first victory with the company, when a gust of wind blows his treasure map into the next yard ---- drawing a predictably lame appearance by SWATB’s cantankerous next-door neighbour, Old Man Jenkins. Jenkins looks at the map for a second, realizes it leads to the fabled “Fountain of Youth,” and sets off to find it. Visibly upset, Treasure Hunter Bob chases after him. Taking some pity on the kid, Adrian Tanner Jr. is showing LEFT Tentacle how to execute a snap suplex. No sooner does he hit LEFT Tentacle with the suplex then... HE BREAKS LEFT TENTACLE’S NECK!!!!! ...LEFT Tentacle jumps up. He was just kidding. Enraged, Adrian Tanner Jr. stomps off. LEFT Tentacle chases after him, apologizing for the joke, and really needing his help. Heading towards the showers, generic jobber guy Jonathan Smith offers to help Tentacle. Talk about the blind leading the blind. “Sexy Cowboy” Elephant’s HEAD asks VVV if they have any priest characters to exorcise the spirit of Barry Malone from him. Viper says he’ll get to work on some religious characters right away, but in the mean time he might want to check out the camp of Gypsies living in the backyard next door. “They’re always good for curses.” ... A few doors over, Old Man Jenkins and Treasure Hunter Bob roll around in the grass - fighting over the map, while an angry middle aged man runs his hose on them trying to break it up. Sirius Man prays. This is the third show in a row he’s challenged for the Ultimate title, and could be his last title shot. Jesus tells him the mellow out. It’s his time. 10 minutes to live (time bomb, C4, steel cage match) S.W.A.T. TWINSTAR TAG TEAM TITLES Adrian Tanner SUCKS BALLS so hard that we opened our own BALL company called BALLS for Adrian Tanner to SUCK Express <champions> vs. “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson & Human Guinea Pig When we get back from the various Backyard shenanigans, we find a small cage erected in the middle of the yard. Tanner seems upset about his team name, but is more concerned with getting this match over with. An Irish whip sends Johnson towards the corner, where he quickly puts the breaks on, not wanting to touch the C4. Johnson springboards off the ropes taking Tanner down with a cross body block, which Tanner rolls through for a T-bone suplex. VVV stands in the corner, leaving Tanner to do all the work. Human Guinea Pig charges in to help, but gets thrown into some C4 for his trouble. Tanner is decent about keeping the haemophiliac away from the explosives, the two going back and forth with a nice technical exchange in the middle of the ring. Experience soon trumps youth, as Tanner muscles out of a armbar and hits The Sureshot. A three count is broken up by Viper, who hip tosses the Human Guinea Pig into the pin. VVV then pulls Guinea Pig off of Tanner, acting like he has his partner’s back; Vile body presses HGP into some C4. Tanner starts to go for a The Revolver, but Johnson has it scouted, and turns it into a snap suplex. Another move for move technical exchange follows before Tanner nails the “Welcome to the Desert.” A three count is broken, as VVV Samoan drops the smoking Human Guinea Pig into the cover. Tanner jumps up, getting in Viper’s face... before he can come to blows with the old man; Johnson catches him from behind with a small package... for 2. Johnson shifts into an inside cradle for 2. Johnson pulls Tanner into a German suplex, then rolls through for another, and another, before finally bridging on the forth. A three count is broken by Viper, who gorilla presses Guinea pig into the pin. Viper then falls back as Tanner against starts technically wrestling Johnson, this time while avoiding shots from Guinea Pig as it turns into a handicap match. Tanner eventually hits Johnson with a Daytripper meant for HGP, then pulls Pig into a windmill suplex... but as he lifts Pig up, Viper shoulder blocks both of them into some C4. Trying to shrug off the explosion, Tanner lurches up, attempting to strangle his partner. Viper sidesteps, then whips Bill Johnson into Tanner, knocking the Arizona Assassin into headfirst into more C4. 2 minutes remaining. Bill Johnson falls on top of Tanner for a cover... but at 2, Viper breaks it up. Turning to the exit, VVV unlocks the cage and exits, and then locks it behind him. The clock counts down the last minute to get a pin before the remaining C4 explodes automatically. Viper keeps his distance, before watching the last of his title defence. Human Guinea Pig nails a standing senton, then a knee drop, building up confidence; Guinea Pig starts to go for a flying senton, but Tanner rolls out of the way. Tanner hits a standing moonsault, then goes for a cover, but Johnson breaks it up at 1. A running kneedrop knocks Tanner down. Johnson starts to go for the Last Drop when Tanner turns it into a jawbreaker. Holding onto the neck, Tanner nails a DVD, then goes for the cover... 2. Human Guinea Pig charges at Tanner with a double axe-handle, only to get nailed with another Daytripper... for 2.9 before Johnson breaks it up. Ten seconds remaining, a desperate Tanner reaches up and nails the Revolver... 1... 2... 3. With only three seconds remaining, Tanner stops the clock. Winner: Adrian Tanner SUCKS BALLS so hard that we opened our own BALL company called BALLS for Adrian Tanner to SUCK Express Rating: *1/2 ...for the Tanner / Johnson exchanges, otherwise Guinea Pig was out of his element, and the storyline trumped the wrestling. With _TWO_ wrestlers of the year involved, this was the best they could give us? Post-Match: Viper sets off the bomb anyway. (!) When the smoke clears, Human Guinea Pig has once again had his mask blown off... stuffing covers the ring. Adrian Tanner holds Bill Johnson in his arms, reminded of Barry Malone, Tanner tries to stop his unconscious opponent massive bleeding... but can’t. Laughing, Viper opens the cage... a visibly upset Tanner carries Johnson out, more concerned with getting the young man help then murdering Vile. Though as Viper laughs away, that’s bound to happen too... The gypsy camp tries to exorcise the spirit of “Sexy Cowboy” from Elephant’s HEAD... with leaches. Not trusting the gypsies... who look MIGHTY hungry, Elephant’s HEAD starts to run away... only to be chased by the unwashed nomads. Jonathan Smith teaches LEFT Tentacle how to execute an airplane spin... but LEFT’s costume is too slippery and he lets go of Smith in midair. Watching the buffoonery, Jesus tells Sirius Man that he has nothing to worry about. There is a commotion in the crowd, on closer inspection we find a character running around acting like a wild animal. Bad Boy and Spud Boy emerge from the drunken teenagers... christening the wild one: “Feral Boy.” A few moments later Feral Boy runs towards the ring, attacking a handyman who was repairing the ring. Handy Andy vs. Feral Boy Andy crawls into the ring, while Feral Boy bites away at his leg. Andy kicks away at Feral Boy trying to knock him off. Feral Boy yanks off Andy’s boot. Andy nails a big boot to the head. Retrieving his boot, Andy hits Feral Boy over the head with it ---- but it only pisses the kid off! Feral Boy claws Handy Andy’s midsection, then his back, before biting his leg again. Handy Andy lifts Feral Boy off him with a gutwrench suplex. Handy Andy starts to go for a leg lariat... only to have Feral Boy bite his thigh! Gross. Handy Andy pulls Feral Boy off, into a powerbomb... for 2. Feral boy gouges Andy in the eye, and then climbs up on his back... biting the repairman’s head. Reaching up, Andy grabs Feral Boy by the neck, then falls forwards with the LIGHT REPAIRS for a two count. Feral Boy continues to scratch and spit. Handy Andy drops an elbow, then lifts the beast up for a MINOR PLUMING which gets 2. Feral Boy kicks Handy Andy in the groin... incensed, Handy Andy NAILS his OFF THE CLOCK DOUBLE OVER TIME... which puts the animal child down for three. Winner: Handy Andy Rating: *1/2 ...they worked through their limitations. Andy could have a future if he gets out of this god awful league. Post-Match: No sooner has the referee counted three, than Bad Boy and Spud Boy hit the ring, and Andy. The backyard’s resident bullies go to town on the handyman... kicking the crap out of him. Out of the back races the Illegal Alien Gardner with a lawnmower. The Boys laugh at the thought of Gardner doing anything to them as he’s the WORST CHARACTER in the whole lousy fed. The boys beat the crap out of Gardener as well, turning his lawnmower on him. Leaving the working class characters in ruins, the bullies wander off laughing. Crawling over to his working class friend, Illegal Alien vows revenge and rips his own face off... becoming HERBICIDE. Adrian Tanner rides in the ambulance with “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson. If he’d ended that time bomb match sooner, Johnson might not be bleeding to death. How many stars can Tanner kill? Jonathan Smith shows LEFT Tentacle how to execute a giant swing... they go higher, and faster, and faster... until both men start throwing up. Violently. Elephant’s HEAD hides under the ring, fearful of the roaming gypsies now brandishing torches. S.W.A.T. King of the Deathmatch Qualifier “Handsome” Henry vs. “The Perfect Gentleman” Edgar Caspian Apparently Viper’s sidekicks accidentally hit him on the last show, and are now paying the price for it. The winner advances to the upcoming king of the death match tournament... non-garbage workers, that doesn’t appeal to either of these long term tag partners. Lock-up to start, which Caspian muscles into a wristlock... so Henry submits. The referee isn’t falling for it. Henry pulls Caspian’s hair to bring him down to the canvas, then hits a legdrop... which gets 2 before Henry jumps off him. Caspian is just laying there... like he’s dead. Henry complains about his partner taking a dive... then starts recounting personal stories as he cusses Caspian into fighting. It doesn’t work... as Caspian continues to play dead. Henry invites one of his fans the “Love Sick Dummies” out of the audience... and slaps her. Caspian jumps up striking a pose. “That’s no way to treat a lady!” No sooner has Edgar shot out his notorious catch phrase, then he realizes his mistake, and feints a heart attack, dropping dead once more to the canvas. Swearing, Henry throws himself down to the canvas, and pulls Caspian’s arm over him. 1... 2... Caspian pulls his own arm back. The two lay there for awhile. Dead Henry pulls Caspian’s arm over him again... 1.. 2... Caspian retracts his arm. Dead Henry tries to grab Caspian’s hand again, but Edgar pulls it away. Henry goes again, and Caspian swats the arm away. The two men start to sissy slap their hands away while playing dead. Getting frustrated, Henry turns back to his female fan... ready to beat the hell out of her until the so called “gentleman” mans up. The love struck fan starts to crawl away from the sexiest person she’s ever laid eyes on. Henry gives chase... but Caspian grabs his leg... pulling him back into a small package... and reversing it! 1... 2... Henry kicks out before he gets the win. Henry pulls Caspian into an inside cradle... then reverses it to pin himself... 1... 2... Caspian forces Henry into the ropes for the break. Henry kicks Caspian in the face, grapevines him, then falls backwards putting himself in a backslide... 1... 2... Edgar lets go. Henry rolls to his feet, where Caspian takes his head off with a lariat. Grabbing Henry, Caspian starts to go for a bodyslam, then falls backwards pinning himself... 1... 2... Henry gets up. Falling forwards, Henry drives his knee into Caspian’s stomach... then pulls him into a reverse la majestral! 1... 2... Caspian reverses the reverse la majestral... 1... 2... Henry jumps away. The two men pace around trying to think of a way around this... rock paper scissors. Caspian does paper to Henry’s rock. Since Caspian won, Henry feels he should win the match. No, the loser wins the match. No. Okay, now they’re doing the game over again... Caspian goes with rock to Henry’s scissors. Realizing he’s lost again, Henry uses his hand scissors to poke Caspian in the eyes. Henry calls on the referee to disqualify him. “For what?” Henry blatantly gouges Caspian in the eyes again. Two can play at this game. Caspian low blows Henry! The referee was looking elsewhere. Sighing, Caspian low blows Henry again. Henry takes his hand off his nuts long enough to gouge Caspian in the eyes again. Low blow, low blow, eye gouge, low blow, choke, choke, choke, low blow, low blow, eye gouge, low blow, eye gouge, eye gouge, low blow, fish hook, nose hook, low blow, eye gouge, eye gouge, eye gouge, hair pull, closed fist, eye gouge, low blow, low blow, eye gouge, foreign weapon, fireball, weapon, weapon, weapon, weapon, weapon, weapon, weapon, low blow, weapon, low blow with weapon, eye gouge with weapon, over the top rope... when did they make that legal!?! Low blow!!! Both men rile around on the canvas in agony. As thrashing slowly stops... the Dirty Rotten Gentlemen apologize to each other. They seem to make up. ...Then Henry lightly places his leg on top of Caspian’s... 1... 2... Caspian pulls away and kicks Henry in the face. Not in the face! Mounting Caspian, Henry starts to pummel away at him... only to notice the referee making a count... 1... 2... Henry rolls off. After making sure his beautiful face is in one piece, Henry calls for another female fan he can beat up. Trisha enters. Grabbing a fistful of his own tights, Caspian pulls Henry over into pinning himself with a schoolboy...1...2...Henry rolls through into a schoolboy on himself...1. Caspian grabs a waistlock, so Henry elbows out of it, and puts on a waistlock of his own. Caspian jumps into the ropes, and rebounds off... putting himself into a backslide, 1... Henry drags Caspian back up, and goes for a Handsome driver... but Caspian slips out. Henry shoots forwards with his H-Kick... only to have Caspian pull Trisha into the way. Caspian throws a fistful of salt into Henry’s face... then pulls him into a victory roll, which he purposely reverses... 1... 2... Henry tries to kick, but Caspian holds fast for 3! Winner: “Handsome” Henry Rating: **** Dirty Rotten Gentlemen explode! Misogyny aside, this was really well executed... the comedy was well played, and it brought both men’s characters to the forefront. At the end of the day, Caspian is the better technical wrestler, which for all the cheating, is what made the difference. Interesting storytelling makes this THE only reason to watch S.W.A.T. Backyard... ever. Post-match: Caspian tries to wipe the salt out of his friend’s eyes, while Henry cries about having to appear in the upcoming king of the death match tournament. PLEASE _DON’T_ send me that show. Old Man Jenkins and Treasure Hunter Bob find the “Fountain of Youth” outlined in the treasure map. It’s a kiddie pool. The two shove each other on the way to the pool which they dive into. Lights flash as the water rumbles with “change.” Old Man Jenkins comes out of the pool much younger... becoming... KID Old Man Jenkins. While the significantly younger Treasure Hunter Bob, comes out as a baby... an ugly baby... Junior the mutant baby from the It’s Alive films. Another questionable movie monster! Damn. 2 out of 3 falls ULTIMATE TITLE MATCH LEFT Tentacle <c> (w/Jonathan Smith) vs. Sirius Man (w/Jesus) Was it just a fluke, or can LEFT Tentacle wrestle? Will Sirius Man finally take advantage of a title match? Here we go. FIRST FALL The bell rings, and LEFT Tentacle starts to go for a lock-up only to get caught with a hip attack. Sirius runs into the ropes and comes off with another hip attack that takes LEFT Tentacle down. A standing moonsault gets 1. A diving headbutt gets Sirius 2. An Asai moonsault picks up 2.5. Going up top, Sirius breaks out a flying legdrop for 2.9. Sirius hip tosses Tentacle into the corner, before firing in with a splash. Before Tentacle can fall out, Sirius doubles back, going for a spear, but Tentacle sidesteps it, locking on his “constrictor.” LEFT Tentacle’s finisher is an abdominal stretch variation. LEFT Tentacle hits a thumb to the throat, the locks on the constrictor again... only to have Sirius NO SELL IT. Breaking the abdominal stretch, Sirius pulls Tentacle into a Dog Star Driver... holds it on... and hits a second Dog Star Driver. The crowd cheer as Sirius goes up top and lands a Shooting Dog Star for 1... 2... 3!!! Wow... Sirius kind of dominated him there. SECOND FALL LEFT Tentacle is stood back up by the referee... he still looks groggy, but the bell is rung. Sirius runs into him with a hip attack, then leans it, turning it into a jawbreaker. Hanging onto the neck, Sirius hits a second jawbreaker. Jonathan Smith seems to yell advice from ringside, but he’s so bland, no one really pays attention. Jesus is quite supportive as well. Tentacle punches through his outfit with a “sucker punch,” which seems to catch Sirius off guard. Tentacle starts to go for a chokeslam, but Sirius chops down on his arm, breaking it, then pulls Tentacle into a jumping DDT. 2. Dog Star Driver! 2... Tentacle manages to get into the ropes. An Asai moonsault gets 2.9. Sirius knees away at tentacle for awhile, then stomps away at him. A slingshot legdrop gets 2. Dragging Tentacle into the corner, Sirius Man hits a tombstone piledriver... 2.9999999999! Sirius goes up top again... Tentacle slowly gets up to his feet, but seems out of it. Jonathan Smith is yelling something that he doesn’t understand. Sirius flies off with his FALLING DOG STAR... only to land on Tentacle’s shoulders. Caught off guard, Tentacle starts to stumble around with an airplane spin... only to lose his grip... Sirius lands the mat hard on his head as Tentacle accidentally hits the Slimy Clutch. Dizzy, Tentacle slumps forwards on top of Sirius. 1... 2... 3? Wow. THIRD FALL Didn’t expect to see this. Since Sirius is still unconscious, the confused Tentacle tries to lock on his constrictor only to have a pissed off Sirius break it on his way to shaking off the cobwebs. LEFT Tentacle shoots in again... only to have Sirius catch him with a dropkick to the head. Sirius immediately hits a jumping hip attack, then a running elbowdrop. 1. Grabbing Tentacle by the “head,” Sirius starts to slam it into the mat again and again. A swinging neckbreaker gets 2. Dog Star Driver II gets a 2.9. Grabbing Tentacle by the “arm,” Sirius drags him into the far corner, before locking on the Star Crossed Legbreaker (Editor’s note: Texas Cloverleaf). Pushing forwards, Tentacle manages to push out of it... turning it into a sharpshooter of his own. Sirius kicks right out of it... but Tentacle holds onto the legs. Sirius continues to kick away, while Tentacle holds on for dear life. As long as he holds onto those legs, Sirius can’t REALLY hurt him. Sirius mule kicks him in the head. Tentacle hangs on. Another kick to the head... Tentacle rolls through... into another kick... and another. Tentacle is bleeding profusely... which is impressive given how bulky his costume is. Jonathan Smith yells advice from the apron... but as Tentacle takes another stiff kick to the head, he can’t hear anything. Much like before, LEFT starts spinning... and spinning... until he drags Sirius off the mat, up into the air for a giant swing. Around and around and around... LEFT closes his eyes to prevent him from passing out, and keeps spinning, and spinning... the giant swing sees Sirius catch his head on the ring post. Shit. Sirius has blood gushing out the right eye hole of his mask. LEFT Tentacle seems slightly phased, but then starts spinning again. With each rotation his victim gets higher and higher... almost getting Sirius 90-degrees in the air, before snapping the challenger down. Hitting the back of his head, Sirius bounces off the canvas. A dizzy LEFT Tentacle blacks out; slumping backwards against the ropes. Reaching up, Jonathan Smith nudges Tentacles back... pushing the young man forwards... he falls on top of Sirius. 1... 2... 3!!! Winner: LEFT Tentacle Rating: *** Not quite as good as their last encounter, as they were given twice as much time to work with which they weren't ready for... still it told a good story, and helped cement Last Tentacle as more than a fluke... or twice the fluke. I haven’t decided yet. Post-Match: Where to begin. -Jesus calls Sirius Man a loser and abandons him. Sirius collapses to the canvas in tears. -Jonathan Smith starts to celebrate with the unconscious LEFT Tentacle... though when he spots the first camera on him, starts acting low profile. -The Gypsies find Elephant’s HEAD under the ring, and sprinkle him with some foul looking water. “Sexy Cowboy” Elephant’s HEAD goes into convulsions... during which the sexy cowboy hat he was wearing falls off. Elephant’s HEAD jumps up, and starts hugging the dirty gypsies, thanking them for saving him. -Sirius Man suddenly has seizure... as he becomes possessed by the spirit of the Sexy Cowboy! Swaggering up, Sirius doesn’t look pleased to be Barry Malone’s new home. His night couldn’t get any worse. Elephant’s HEAD starts to run away, while “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man chases after him. -Audrey 2 comes out, and doesn’t care for Jonathan Smith celebrating with LEFT Tentacle. Audrey 2 then proceeds to MURDER the bland non-character. -LEFT Tentacle starts to stand-up for his mentor when Audrey 2 turns on him as well. The mouth portions start to chew the LEFT Tentacle up, sharp teeth tearing Tentacles costume and flesh. The audience jeer and throw shit, as Audrey 2 spits LEFT Tentacle out into the crowd. As Audrey 2 poses with the ULTIMATE title our DVD comes to an end. In conclusion: Recommended to avoid. A few of the young talent are really worth watching, as the main event is quite well done. And the Henry/Caspian encounter, while not for everyone, is one of my favourite matches of the year... but not enough to justify the first half of this, which are rather dull squashes. Still, definitely track down the Henry/Caspian match... if you can find it on youtube, you owe it to yourself to watch. Otherwise, this was light years ahead of the previous shows... just a lot of filler. I hope I never watch S.W.A.T. Backyard again... but at least it seems to be getting less worse. |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:43 PM Post #4 |
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Keith
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“It’s free. What the fuck do you want? Stop looking at me. ...Fags.”----------Vile “Vince” Viper gives the worst sales pitches in the business On the last S.W.A.T. B show they announced a king of the death match tournament. On a show entitled “Blood Drive,” they broke the tournament up over two nights. The DVD of the first night, is currently being given away free with any purchase at High Spots. Now despite NEVER WANTING TO SEE ANOTHER SWAT BACKYARD SHOW IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT... I did receive a copy when I bought my blue-ray of the S.W.A.T.’s Nemesis show. Now I _HATE_ S.W.A.T. Backyard... but I am going to watch this. The KOTDM qualifying match featuring Henry & Caspian on “REINVENTION” was the highlight of this awful promotion, I want to see if the KOTDM can deliver... _AND_ they’re using it as a promotional disc. How does this fed present itself when it’s TRYING to encourage new viewers? S.W.A.T. BACKYARD Presents BLOOD DRIVE --- NIGHT ONE LIVE! (ugh) From Piper High School Sunrise, Florida Wow. We’ve moved out of a backyard, into a high school gym. Kind of betrays the name of the fed, but I guess backyard is a state of mind. With an audience of around 200 teenagers... coaxed in with promises of a keg party, this is the largest SWATB show to date. They’ve cleaned up their act to trick people, but can they mask the wrestling? Or the angles? KING OF THE DEATH MATCH ROUND 1 Electrified Light Bulb Chandelier, Lights Out Death Match Six Demon Bag vs. “Fucker” Chris Templeton Wow. Viper is paying top dollar for the outside talent. Both these guys are big names in the garbage wrestling world, and this pairing has been the finals of more Jisatsu tournaments then I have seen. Noted veterans; whoever wins this has to be the favourite to take the tournament. The only reason this isn’t the finals... Viper probably couldn’t afford them for the whole tournament. Long entrances denote both the seniority and borderline “Legend” status these men have for this style of fighting. Despite the fact that they’re biggest accomplishments happened while most of the crowd were in diapers, the audience is really behind it. It’s a nice energy. Then the lights go out. The power isn’t running through half the light bulbs, and we realize that elaborate visual matches like this should be in arenas... not gyms. The action is fast and furious, not that you can make out the bulk of it. Both men hit their signature spots... not that you can see half of them. This problem gets worse, when Templeton runs 6DB’s throat along the working lights... shattering half of them. Templeton goes up top, but 6DB pulls his leg out from under him... crotching Templeton on the top rope. (!) Six Demon then grabs a leg, pulling Templeton along the top rope so that EVERY light bulb shatters in his crotch. I stopped this dvd for a few hours... and had a hard time coming back. Six Demon then does a giant swing, twisting Templeton through rows after row of the non-working light bulbs. They may not shoot off sparks, but that glass still cuts. The bumping knocks out the electricity in another row... leaving the bottom rope to the far left as the only source of light. Three minutes of the match aren’t seen. Eventually a blood Six Demon Bag drags Chris Templeton to the source of light... yanking out a bulb... and forcing it into Templeton’s mouth. Templeton spits glass in Six Demon Bag’s face... so Six Demon forces in another bulb, and another, and another. The seventh shattered glass bulb, finally has Templeton submit in between coughing up glass and blood. Winner: Six Demon Bag Rating: ...Wow... the main draws didn’t fail to die for us, but what could have been a five star classic (by the standards of death matches) only had a third of it visible. The effort was more than there, but an ill suited stipulation created by shoddy promoting really detracted. After Templeton sacrificed his testicles and mouth, I wish I could give this more than **1/2. Advertisement: From High Spots Video, Vile “Vince” Viper SHOOTS on SWAT. He books THIS fed, and is going to dish dirt on other people? No thanks. KING OF THE DEATH MATCH ROUND 1 Thumbtacks & Thumbtack Wiffle Bat Death Match Feral Boy vs. HERBICIDE Illegal Alien Gardner was reborn as insectoid-goodguy-monster Herbicide on the last show, after being beaten down by The Boys. Feral Boy is the newest member of “The Boys” and a Casper Hauser gimmick... which really shouldn’t be in a sadistic tournament like this. I like that they’re continuing their storylines into the tournament, but I’m supposed to cheer against a wild child in something with gross violence? Feral Boy tries to eat the wiffle bat, only to cut himself. JIP. Feral Boy jumping around trying to avoid the tacks in his bare feet, hits Herbicide over the head repeatedly with the bat. JIP. Herbicide spits green... uh... “Herbicide” in Feral Boy’s face? Implant DDT finishes Feral Boy in the tacks. Winner: Herbicide Rating: ...This was mercifully clipped to hell. I don’t want to see Feral Boy being tortured, so the minute of “high lights” was appreciated. I still don’t rate clip shows. Post-match: Herbicide tells Bad Boy he’s coming for him. A tack covered Feral Boy bites the hell out of EMTs that are just trying to help him. Advertisement: S.W.A.T. BACKYARD “I shot Bambi’s Mother” Tickets are still available. KING OF THE DEATH MATCH ROUND 1 Four Corners of Pain Death Match Handy Andy vs. Spud Boy Handy Andy is part of the ring crew properly securing the boards to the corners. Not sure if he’s suppose to be in the match, but Spud Boy comes in, and splashes him from behind. Andy gets stuck in the barbwire board, so Spud Boy repeatedly punches him in the back of the head. Spud Boy whips Andy into the opposite corner, where the board explodes. Spud Boy uses a sharp piece of smoking board to jab Andy into the middle of the ring, where he Irish whips the working class hero into the board covered in tacks. Spud Boy charges in with a spear, where Andy jumps up... leaving Spud Boy to charge shoulder first through the board. Coming out of the corner, Spud Boy is caught by Andy with a “How’s your Missus,” which is followed by a reverse “Quitting Time!” Andy rubs the thumbtack board into Spud Boy’s face, while making the pin for the 3 count. Winner: Handy Andy Rating: * --- it was a short squash; the star is for Andy’s bumps, and Spud Boy surprisingly not stinking up the joint. Advertisement: Handy Andy does a little bit of everything, available now. KING OF THE DEATH MATCH ROUND 1 Panes of Glass Death Match Brian Calypso vs. Kid Old Man Jenkins I had a Brian Calypso plush doll as a child, and it’s hard to see a former great like him slumming it up in S.W.A.T. Backyard. Kid Old Man Jenkins is the same guy who played Old Man Jenkins with a backwards baseball hat. Ugh. Calypso’s forearm is bigger than Jenkins’ head. Brian plays to the crowd, but most of them weren’t alive during his world champion days. JIP. Brian Calypso super bombs Kid OMJ through a ringside table. JIP. In the crowd, Brian Calypso super bombs Kid OMJ off the balconies through some stacked up tables! JIP. Kid Old Man Jenkins nails a flying tombstone piledriver through the panes of glass. 1. 2. 3?! What just happened? Winner: Kid Old Man Jenkins Rating: ...We got a glimpse at three big spots... but with both men covered in blood, what the hell happened? The clipping is infuriating as I _REALLY_ wanted to see this. How did Kid Old Man Jenkins manage to BEAT Brian Calypso? Post-match: Calypso needs to be stretchered out, but gets a standing ovation from the crowd (!). What happened between the clips? Advertisement: High Spots presents “How Low Can You Go: The Best of Brian Calypso.” Clips show the rare Six Demon Bag Hyper Fight matches, along with the classic DAO promos. I’m all about this. KING OF THE DEATH MATCH ROUND 1 Barbed Wire Ropes Match “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson (!) vs. Sadako (!) After last shows scare, you’d think Johnson would call in sick for more death match action. He doesn’t look happy about being in it. Sadako is the little girl from the ring movies... are you KIDDING ME? They have a five year old girl skipping around barbwire? JIP Sadako sits in the middle of the ring using her “psychic powers” to make Johnson run into corners. JIP Johnson throwing himself around the ring, trying to avoid the potentially lethal cut that barbwire would make. The kid playing Sadako has given up on the story, and is checking to see how sharp the barbwire is. Johnson doesn’t notice, and is still bumping hard for the “psychic offense” and teasing barbwire spills. Sadako continues to poke her finger against the barbwire. JIP. Bill Johnson runs down the aisle holding Sadako in his arms. The little girl is crying her head off as blood streams down her hand. Winner: ...The announcer informs us Johnson won. Rating: Again, thankfully clipped to nothing so I can’t rate it... but WHAT KIND OF MIND BOOKS A MATCH WITH BARBWIRE, A SMALL CHILD, AND A MAN WHOSE BLOOD CAN’T CLOT? FORGET SHUTTING THIS FED DOWN, SOMEONE NEEDS TO STOP VILE VINCE VIPER BEFORE HE BOOKS AGAIN. I HOPE THE EVIL OLD BASTARD DIES. Hell, even though this was clipped, let’s give it negative -*****. The standard has been set. Advertisement: High Spots presents a shoot interview with the ENTIRE S.W.A.T. Backyard roster... they can speak? KING OF THE DEATH MATCH ROUND 1 7 Tables of Death “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man vs. Bad Boy The winner puts his opponent through 4 tables. Well, no ULTIMATE title challenge for Sirius this week who has been possessed by the spirit of deceased star Barry Malone. JIP. Sirius Dog Star Drives Bad Boy through a table. JIP. Bad Boy comes off the top, breaking a table over Sirius’ head. JIP. Sirius comes off the top with a Shooting Dog Star which presses Bad Boy through a table. JIP. Sirius running hip attacks Bad Boy through a third table that splinters into Bad Boy’s back. JIP. Bad Boy is bleeding like a stuck pig, set up on a table, Sirius starts to go for another shooting dog star, when Feral Boy & Spud Boy push him off the top. Feral Boy & Spud Boy hold Sirius down while Bad Boy sentons him through a table. JIP. Spud Boy sets a table on fire, while Feral Boy chokes Sirius Man out. Bad Boy kicks him a few times then jackknife powerbombs Sirius through the table. JIP. The Boys set up the last table, when Elephant’s HEAD runs in for the save. Elephant’s HEAD pissed off Sirius last show when he passed the ghost of Barry Malone to him, and is trying to make amends. Elephant’s HEAD swings his trunk wrapped in barbed wire (!) which gets a huge reaction from the blood hungry crowd, and clears out the ring. Sirius Man starts to unload on Bad Boy, as the roof comes off the school. When Sirius is about to go for the Virginianizer, Bad Boy shoves him back into the last table. Elephant’s HEAD then charges forwards with the TUSK... only to have Bad Boy side steps it. Elephant’s HEAD gores Sirius Man through the last table. Winner: Bad Boy Rating: Clipped to hell, but there was enough to give the spots *. Post-match: Elephant’s HEAD looks apologetic, but Sirius Man is PISSED OFF. ...From challenging for the belt to losing to “The Boys.” The giant pachyderm starts to run away, as the “Sexy Cowboy” chases after him. The Boys celebrate in the ring, to the annoyance of all. Advertisement: Highspots has Elephant’s HEAD masks in stock! Own the mask of your favourite luchador today! I’ll pass. KING OF THE DEATH MATCH ROUND 1 200 Light Tubes Death Match Hardcore Hero vs. Junior (It’s ALIVE!) Hero has forty lit cigarettes in his mouth... trying to make smoking look cool to the children. I think Hardcore is the only face in SWATb. I might be wrong. An ugly plastic baby is thrown at Hero from the crowd. Coughing on the smokes, Hero starts to roll around the canvas holding the baby to his throat. Manipulating the inanimate object, Hero throws himself into light tube... picking up light tubes to stab the baby with, and light bulbs to break over his own head. The audience count along as Hero breaks 99 light bulbs over his own head. The any excuse to abuse his body. I prayed for clipping, but was unanswered. After Hero breaks the last light tube across his back, he bitch slaps the plastic baby, mounting a “comeback” hits a DDT. I think that’s the only move he knows. The DDT finishes the toy doll off for a three count. Winner: Hardcore Hero Rating: -** just awful. He’s one of the favourites to win this, but the way he treats his body in “comedy” matches like this... he won’t be able to make it to the finals. Hell, he’ll be lucky to be wrestling a year from now. Advertisement: Junior the mutant babeis are available through the SWAT website. How could you SWAT? KING OF THE DEATH MATCH ROUND 1 The Killing Box “Handsome” Henry vs. The Human Guinea Pig EMWC’s classic death match gimmick is resurrected for its least deserving recipients. Human Guinea Pig has duct tape as make-shift bandages over all the parts of his costume that got blown up on the last show. It’s a cute touch. Little things like that make up for his complete lack of wrestling moves. “Handsome” Henry is forced out of the back... walked to the box by security. He _REALLY_ doesn’t want to be in this match. I was wondering why they’d give away a gimmick like that on the first round, especially with characters who really don’t stand a chance. The box is too keep Henry from running away for the count out. Every wall has a different painful gimmick. No sooner has Henry entered it then HGP charges him with a double axe handle... a drop toehold sends Pig into some C4. Lifting him up, Henry tosses Pig into a wall of barbwire... then into a flaming wall. Guinea Pig’s costume sets on fire, and Henry shows no sign of helping him, not wanting to get burnt. Outside, the crowd is dead... not able to see in. Human Guinea Pig starts to run around in a panic over the flames, so Henry throws him into the barbwire... and again... and again... and again... it’s out! Guinea Pig starts to thank him, only to get thrown into more C4... then into glass. We go outside again were the crowd is dead. Back inside, Henry throws Pig into nails before making the cover. The door to the box opens, with Henry racing out, jumping for joy. Some paramedics help Guinea Pig out. Henry does an elaborate happy dance before the announcer reminds him that he’s moving on to the next round. Henry starts crying again. Winner: “Handsome” Henry Rating: **...one for Guinea Pig’s ability to take punishment, and one for Henry’s victory dance. The stars might not be together. Advertisement: The Crimson Emperor tournament still has tickets available! The place where guys like Six Demon Bag, Chris Templeton and VVV got their starts. That’s a much better death tournament... why are we even watching this, when we could get tickets for that? S.W.A.T. TWINSTAR TITLE MATCH Adrian Tanner Sucks Balls So Hard That We Started A Company Called Balls for Adrian Tanner To Suck Express <c> vs. ??? & ??? VVV stands next to his raffle wheel. A dozen of those awful G.I. Joes stand between Viper and Tanner... but Tanner’s bodyguards don’t seem to be aware they’re supposed to hurt the old man. Vile “Vince” Viper spins his lottery wheel to find out which “lucky” SWAT stars get to challenge for the titles. Vile looks confused... “what’s a duke?” Discarding the result, Vile spins again... and pulls up Snake Eyes? Tanner laughs at the uncomfortable looking G.I. Joes for making his life miserable, Tanner put the Joes names into the wheel. Now he’s going to get sweet revenge on his body guards... with Viper’s help, while giving Viper a small taste of what HE can look forwards too. Annoyed that his wheel has been tampered with, VVV announces a surprise of his own... a special stipulation! S.W.A.T. TWINSTAR TITLE MATCH Sky Diving Death Match (!) ATSBSHTWSACCBFATTSE <phew> vs. The G. I. Joes We jump cut to a plane circling over the school. All the men are going sky diving, and the first team to pull their parachutes lose. WTF? Tanner complains that this isn’t the “wrestling” revenge he had in mind for the Joes, before Viper pushes him out of the plane. Viper then dives. Followed by Duke. Followed by Snake Eyes. Followed by... Hawk, Flint, Scarlet, Shipwreck, Breaker, and Wetsuit. Notable absent is Airborne... the only character that wouldn’t be retarded jumping out of a plane. Viper accidentally kicks Tanner while they’re soaring through the clouds. Most of the Joes form a circle with their hands, which Snake Eyes flies through. Tanner flies over, and bitch slaps Duke. Duke start to throw a punch only to fly backwards into wetsuit. Tanner then flies over and kicks Flint in the nuts. Oh, they’re getting surprisingly close to the ground. Shipwreck pulls his chute. A few of the other Joes pull their chutes. Getting a nasty feeling, Adrian Tanner pulls his... it doesn’t open. ...Tanner then pulls the emergency cord... it opens up into a tire. Rather than marking out for my Roger Rabbit reference... a visibly upset Tanner glides over to a relatively amused Vile. Vile starts to glide away, but Tanner glides after him. Tanner isn’t as fast since he gave Vile his kidney. Most of the Joes have opened their chutes. Tanner grabs Viper’s leg... VVV goes for the ripcord... only to have Tanner wrap himself around in a bear hug. A cursing VVV pulls the cord... the extra weight causes them to fall faster. The two men land hard... then skid across for awhile. Unable to open their chutes, Duke, Hawk, and Wetsuit leave large indents in the ground. Vile rubs his scraped knee... then looks over at Hawk... who can’t feel his legs! The referees have no idea what happened with this match, but as ambulances pull up, they review the tape to see which Joes were legal and who landed where. Winners: Adrian Tanner Jr. & Vile “Vince” Viper Post-Match. Shipwreck seems to be the only Joe not in bad shape... since he was the only one I liked as a child. Adrian Tanner should be pressing criminal charges for the attempted murder, or beating Vile up for how funny he finds it. VVV is laughing by the way. VVV is also hitting on a sobbing Scarlet. Rather, Tanner looks through the remains of his dead bodyguards... more lives lost. All on his hands! Adrian Tanner Jr. is a serial killer... and a broken man. Advertisement: Highspots has LEFT Tentacle T-shirts. “My girlfriend’s into tentacle porn, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” ...erm. S.W.A.T. ULTIMATE TITLE MATCH GRUDGE MATCH LEFT Tentacle <c> (w/Jonathan Smith) vs. Audrey 2 LEFT Tentacle used to be 1 of 5 members of Audrey 2. They gang up on people and handicap them until victory is assured. On the last show Audrey 2 jealous of Tentacle singles success, turned on him, and brutally attacked him. Now LEFT Tentacle has jobber guru Jonathan Smith feeding him advice and new moves... but how can the weakest part of a unit, hope to stand up to the beast? It was impressive LEFT Tentacle kept the title as long as he did. Entering the ring, LEFT Tentacle starts to hand the title belt to the referee... when RIGHT Tentacle grabs it and poses with it... LEFT starts to pull it back... and the two men start having a tug of war over the title. Upper Mouth kicks LEFT’s hands away, and RIGHT Tentacle plasters LEFT Tentacle with the title.... drawing a disqualification. (!!!) Winner: LEFT Tentacle by DQ Rating: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME... a show designed to show everyone how hardcore you are, and you end it with a DQ? God I hate Viper’s booking. He’s like a training course on how not to book. Post-match: An upset Audrey 2 pounces on LEFT Tentacle... Jonathan Smith tries to stop them, and gets beat down for his trouble. The gang wind up crucifying the two men... well that’s extreme. Audrey 2 steals the ULTIMATE title, posing with it while a bloody LEFT Tentacle watches from his cross. Wanting to end on a happy note, VVV bursts into the arena and yells “Duke has come out of his coma!” Everyone celebrates... but the two guys who are still up on crosses. In conclusion: STRONGEST RECOMMENDATION TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS. All the shows suck, but if you don’t pay, they suck more. This has ten matches... but the bulk of them, including the few decent ones, are clipped to hell. It’s a clip show. What’s left over afterwards is some of the most offensive, stupid, depraved garbage you’ll ever have the misfortune of sitting through. Don’t waste your life like me. Avoid at all costs. If anyone sends me the second night of this show... I’ll kill them. |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:44 PM Post #5 |
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Keith
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“Thanks to our *new* organized crime investors, we can now afford to hire FEMALE managers and more explosives.” ------------Vile “Vince” Viper the worst business man in the industry. ...I get feedback. Apparently it was inherently evil of me to get you all sucked into the SWAT King of the Death match, then abandon you halfway through. I can actually see that argument... so will amend my previous statement to make THIS the last SWAT Backyard show I ever review. My grandmother sent it to me, so you got lucky. I can’t kill her, and I actually have the show to review. This is the second night of a two night king of the death match tournament... so at least we’ll have a sense of finality. S.W.A.T. BACKYARD Presents BLOOD DRIVE --- NIGHT TWO LIVE! (this is a DVD!) 17/7/09 From Piper High School’s Football Field Sunrise, Florida Adrian Tanner is almost despondent. VVV addresses the boys. Apparently half the roster was seriously injured in the first round, so the random draw for the TWINSTAR title shot will include the names of anyone he sees. Spins the wheel... and the first lucky winner is... Brandon – Adrian Tanner’s interviewer / sidekick / retarded ward. Tanner suddenly jumps up, not liking that news at all. VVV rolls the wheel again... and the second participant is... Soundy the robot. Vile seems concerned at the last choice, apparently only half fixing it... but now dealing with too many of Tanner’s friends. S.W.A.T. TWINSTAR TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH Adrian Tanner Jr. Is the Ball Suckingest Guy I Know, He Sucks Balls So Hard That I Decided To Start A Small Business Called Balls for Adrian Tanner Jr. The Ball Sucker To Suck On EXPRESS <c> vs. Brandon & Soundy No sooner does the bell ring than Adrian Tanner and his friends beat the crap out of Vile. The three men just kick away at the old monster. The referee eventually forces Tanner to his corner, while Brandon and Soundy continue to kick away. Brandon is sent to his corner, since the kid could get hurt... and we’re left with Soundy the robot stomping away at Viper. Vile eventually flips Soundy’s self-destruction switch. Tanner comes in, kicks Vile in the face... drags him to the corner, tags himself in, then turns off Soundy’s self-destruction button. Tagging out, Tanner drags Vile back in the ring, where Soundy kicks the old man in the crotch. VVV starts to back peddle... begging for mercy from the evil robot. Soundy turns to the audience for advice... when his back is turned, Vile switches the self-destruction switch. Tanner jumps in and turns the switch off... so VVV turns the switch on, so Tanner turns back and turns it off, so Vile waits... then turns it on. Tanner comes in, nails Vile with the revolver... drags him to the corner, tags himself in, then turns off Soundy’s self-destruction button. Tagging out, Tanner drags Vile back in the ring, where Soundy pins the old man for 2. Vile starts to crawl away... when Soundy grabs his foot and drags him back... turning Vile flips Soundy’s switch. Coming in, Tanner knees Vile in the head, then flips Soundy’s switch back... as Tanner exits the ring... Soundy explodes. (!) VVV laughs; he didn’t flip the switch that last time. Realizing that he’s murder yet another of his closest friends, Tanner grabs Soundy’s smoking carcass... he can probably rebuild it. While Tanner screams “Noooooo” up in the air for no reason, VVV pulls Brandon into the ring and snaps off a DOUBLE Crescent Moon Killer... into a ganso bomb. How is that even possible? VVV makes the cover for a three count. Winner: Vile “Vince” Viper & “Arizona Assassin” Adrian Tanner Jr. Rating: * Not for the wrestlecrap comedy, but for the three on one beating at the beginning. After the previous show, I really needed to see that. Post-Match: The referee checks on Brandon, then calls for some paramedics. VVV takes a powder with the tag belts before Tanner can notice. Seeing the EMPs putting a brace around Brandon’s neck, Tanner pulls himself away from Soundy in time to look up in the air and yell: “Noooooo!” Tanner lies in a broken heap between his support team, as Vile poses with the titles on the stage. An ambulance takes Brandon away; riding in it is Tanner fighting a losing battle with model glue. Vacant S.W.A.T. North by North West Title Match Running with Scissors Death Match “Perfect Gentleman” Edgar Caspian vs. Goliath vs. Jake Harris vs. Junior (It’s Alive) vs. Monte Kingsley vs. Uncle Son of Sam vs. Timothy Little vs. Frank Scalpel vs. Regan MacNeil (Exorcist) vs. Farmer Vincent (Motel Hell) vs. Tree (Poltergeist) vs. LEGEND vs. Karl Simmons vs. “Exploder” Richard Givens All the participants have sharp scissors taped to their hands... and the first person to run around ringside four times wins. Edgar Caspian has no intention of participating in this violent crap... then realizes he’s in front of everyone else... as the rag tag mob runs forwards, Caspian races ahead just to keep from getting skewered. Old rivals, Frank Scalpel and Monte Kingsley start slashing at each other with scissors. They seem to be adding a lot more questionable horror monsters. The little girl from the exorcist starts puking on people. Karl Simmons slips in sick and lands on his scissors. The Tree from the poltergeist slips backwards into the crowd, where it is body surfed. Caspian starts to run along the apron, trying not to touch the foul garbage. Uncle Son of Sam has a strong lead. Farmer Vincent runs into legend... and can’t pull his scissors out.... Karl Simmons trips over Regan and lands on Vincent, who in turn pins down LEGEND. Uncle Son of Sam is close to the finish... when he trips on Junior (It’s Alive) and lands on his scissors. Jake Harris is neck and neck with Edgar Caspian... lapping Goliath, when the big man slips back onto him. Edgar Caspian finishes first place! Winner and NEW North X Northwest champion: “The Perfect Gentleman” Edgar Caspian Rating: ** ...This was absurd to watch, but manically fun. I know Viper has run two others... his only good stipulation. Not a good match, but fun. Post-Match: Edgar Caspian celebrates with his title, when Goliath trips in the sick and crushes Regan. Caspian turns to the camera and striking a pose states “That’s NO WAY to treat a lady!” Some brackets show us how the quarter finals were set-up, for those that didn’t watch the previous night’s abortion. It should be noted that no gimmick is being repeated in this tournament... which is a shame, since all the best death match stipulations have already been used. KING OF THE DEATHMATCH ROUND 2 Barbed wire & Glass Spidernet Double Hell Deathmatch Six Demon Bag vs.Herbicide Herbicide spews herbicide in Six Demon Bag’s face, blinding the Jisatsu legend and sending him staggering into the net. JIP. Six Demon powerbombs Herbicide into the spidernet. JIP. Six Demon moonsaults back into the barbwire taking Herbicide out. Winner: Six Demon Bag KING OF THE DEATHMATCH ROUND 2 High Incident Scaffold Match Kid Old Man Jenkins vs. Handy Andy JIP. Handy Andy backdrops KOMJ dangerously close to the edge. JIP. Jenkins stabs Andy with a barbwire rake. JIP. Andy starts duelling back with his trusty hammer. JIP. Andy hits an “Off the Clock” which almost knocks Jenkins off. JIP. Jenkins throws a fistful of salt in Andy’s face... blinded, Andy starts to wander towards the edge. Jenkins tries to push him, but Andy turns it into an “In a Jiffy,” which sends Jenkins falling face first through a flaming table. Winner: Handy Andy KING OF THE DEATHMATCH ROUND 2 Taipai death match Bad Boy vs. “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson Johnson refuses to have glass taped to his hands. Probably wise. JIP. Bad Boy chases Johnson around the ring, trying to punch him with those sharp object laced hands. JIP. Johnson pulls a matrix under a closeline, and rolls away from a fistdrop. JIP. Bad Boy brings his hands up to avoid a dropkick to the face, only to have his “gloves” catch. Bad Boy rips the gloves out, bleeding all over. JIP. Bad Boy goes for a roundhouse right, but its pulled into La Majestral... 1... 2...3. Winner: “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson KING OF THE DEATHMATCH ROUND 2 99 Luft Balloons death match Hardcore Hero vs. “Handsome” Henry The ring is covered in balloons filled with weapons. JIP. Henry wraps a balloon string around Hero’s throat choking, then hides as the balloon explodes in thumbtacks. JIP. Henry is chased around the ring by Hero with a fistful of balloons. JIP. Henry continues to flee from the prospect of extreme action. JIP. Henry bodyslams Hero into some balloons full of glass, that break. JIP. Henry stomps up and down, driving Hero into glass. JIP. Hero chases Henry around the arena with a fistful of balloons. JIP. Henry hits Hero over the head with balloons... one had a horse shoe in it. JIP. Hero throws fistfuls of tacks up in the air, setting off dozens off other balloons... Henry hides under the ring, while Hero is showered in sharp objects. JIP. Hero starts to go for his patented DDT... when Henry turns it into a Beautiful Driver for the win. Henry doesn’t have a scratch on him, while Hero looks like Swiss cheese. Henry’s victory antics are starting to turn the crowd. Winner: “Handsome” Henry KING OF THE DEATHMATCH SEMI-FINALS Barbed Wire Exploding Cactus Death Match Handy Andy vs. Six Demon Bag JIP. Six Demon brings a cactus down on Andy’s head... it explodes. JIP. Andy sends Six Demon into a bed of cacti with “It’s Quitting Time!” JIP. Six Demon jumps off the top with a cactus... which explodes before it hits Andy, covering Six Demon in thorns! JIP. Andy gorilla presses Six Demon into another cactus, which explodes. JIP. Six Demon pulls the barbwire from a plant, hog tying Handy Andy with it. JIP. Six Demon forces a cactus into Handy Andy’s mouth... and another... and another cactus... until Handy Andy finally taps out. Winner: Six Demon Bag KING OF THE DEATHMATCH SEMI-FINALS Bed of Nails Death Match “Handsome” Henry vs. “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson Henry thinks his body is a shrine that shouldn’t take bumps, while Johnson could DIE if he touches one of those nails. JIP. The two jockey over an armdrag, with Johnson sending Henry towards the nails... before he puts the breaks on. JIP. They take turn reversing waistlocks, and wristlocks, until Henry suplexes Johnson over... dangerously close to the bed of nails. JIP. Henry tries to Beautiful Suplex Johnson into the bed, but Johnson pushes the bed out of the way first. JIP. Henry tries to rana Johnson into the bed, but Johnson floats over. JIP. Johnson tries to DVD Henry into the bed, but Henry holds onto the top rope. JIP. Henry throws the bed of nails at Johnson----------but he slides under. JIP. The two jockey over a belly-to-belly suplex... with Henry finally getting bored and kicking Johnson in the nuts. Henry uses his index finger to push Johnson backwards onto the nails. Winner: “Handsome” Henry Rating / Thoughts: Well... some of the first round was shown in full... but the ENTIRE quarter and semis finals were more of a clip show. There were some really interesting looking encounters there... especially Henry/Johnson... but there looked like a lot of strong performances. When these eight men are taking the kind of violent bumps they’re being asked... you’d think the least they could do would be record them. This is a DVD... and unlike the first night, this isn’t a promo sampler. People paid for this. And in the world of digital technology there is no excuse for the clipping. -** for the sour taste this whole tournament left in my mouth. “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man finally tracks down Elephant’s HEAD... the man he blames for his demonic possession. The two have a mean spirited war of words, ending with an agreement to a mask versus mask match. Mask vs. Mask Match “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man vs. Elephant’s HEAD Elephant starts with a gore, which Sirius leap frogs over. Sirius charges after him with an avalanche, but Elephant catches him with a backdrop. Sirius lands on the top rope, and knocks Elephant back with a thrust kick to the head. Sirius dives off with a flying hip attack, but Elephant pulls it into an atomic drop. Short arm closeline knocks Sirius down for a 2 count. Running kneedrop gets a 2 count. Sirius locks on a Star Crossed Armbreaker... but Elephant’s HEAD turns it into an inside cradle for 2, before Sirius lets the hold go. Elephant’s HEAD starts to go for a powerbomb, but Sirius ranas him over... then bridges for a pin... 1...2. Sirius with a triple double stomp... 1... 2... big kickout. Sirius starts to go for a flying hip attack, but Elephant’s runs through it with the TUSK! Slow pin gets 1... 2.9999999.... kickout. A short fuse powerbomb gets 2.9999999999999... before Sirius gets into the ropes. Elephant’s HEAD starts to go up for a Super TUSK... but Sirius turns it into a Dog Star Driver 2.5. Shooting Dog Star gets 2.9. Dog Star Driver 2 gets 2.999999999999. Sirius starts to go for the Virgianianizer, when Elephant’s HEAD counters with his Stampede... for 2.9. Elephant’s Head with a Raging Stampede for 2.9999999. Elephant’s HEAD once again goes for a Super TUSK... but Sirius turns it into the Six Shooter... for 3. Winner: “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man Rating: *** ...nice story, which ultimate had Sirius throw all his offense at Elephant’s HEAD before resorting to the Sexy Cowboy moves that Elephant’s HEAD forsook to actually get the victory. Did more to make both men look credible than anything else they’ve done since SWATB started. Post-Match: Elephant’s HEAD unmasks to reveal... that as a result of the Gypsy Curse... under the mask... he has... the HEAD of an Elephant?!? Elephant’s HEAD is now a WERE-Elephant! WereElephant looks at his reflection and SNAPS... brutalizing a sympathetic Sexy Cowboy. WereElephant hits six consecutive Rampaging Stampedes before security pulls him off of Sirius. WereElephant stomps off with a dozen security guards holding onto him. Ultimate Title Match No Disqualifications LEFT Tentacle <c> (w/Jonathan Smith) vs. Audrey 2 Last night’s show seemed like a step back just to set up this title fight with a specialty stipulation. Off the back POT throws dust in LEFT Tentacle’s eyes, while Upper & Lower Mouth fish hooks him. Jonathan Smith enters the ring, hitting RIGHT Tentacle with a Chair. Upper & Lower Mouth hit a double closeline, followed by a double headbutt. RIGHT Tentacle pulls Jonathan Smith’s legs out, and starts to go for a sharpshooter, only to get another chairshot to the head. Upper & Lower Mouth lock in armbars, while POT sits on LEFT Tentacle for the cover... 1... 2... Jonathan Smith breaks the pin. Upper Mouth puts Jonathan Smith in a torture rack, while Lower Mouth SPIKES POT onto LEFT Tentacle for another cover... 1... 2... into the ropes. With POT Pinning him down, RIGHT Tentacle comes off the top with a flying legdrop... POT stomps Tentacle’s chest, before covering... 2.5. Lower Mouth dives off the top with a shoulder block onto Jonathan Smith, so both mouths crush Smith into the canvas. POT starts to repeatedly bring the chair down on LEFT Tentacle’s “head,” then makes a cover... 1... 2... shoulder up. Pot wraps the chair around LEFT Tentacle’s “head” then RIGHT Tentacle lifts him up in the air... Upper & Lower Mouth come off the top with a double bulldog. POT then hits a springboard double stomp to the head, before falling on top for the cover... Jonathan Smith manages to break the pin at 2.9. Pulling a wooden cross out from under the ring, RIGHT Tentacle breaks it across Jonathan Smith’s back... then pulls out some barbwire. Upper & Lower Mouth start to tie Jonathan Smith to the cross again. Crucifying Jonathan Smith... Audrey 2 starts to parade around with the sacrificial jobber. Nothing like a martyr for failed wrestlers. Audrey 2 stabs LEFT Tentacle with the cross... bringing Martyr Smith down on LEFT Tentacle repeatedly until the champ is coughing up blood. Audrey 2 take the cross up to the top rope... posing for the fans, then dive off with a super spiked jackknife powerbomb... LEFT Tentacle starts to run up the cross in midair, taking RIGHT Tentacle’s head off with a shining wizard. The impact sends RIGHT Tentacle into the audience, while LEFT Tentacle lands on the top rope. Turning, LEFT Tentacle comes off the top with a flying crossbody block... taking all three Audrey 2 members down, and covering POT for 2. LEFT Tentacle starts to untie Jonathan Smith when Upper Mouth brings a chair across his back... staggering, LEFT Tentacle spins around, and throws some strains of barbwire into Upper’s eyes. LEFT Tentacle then turns back to smith, cutting up his hands to save his friend... coming up from behind him, POT starts to choke the champion out with a piece of barbwire. Coughing up blood, LEFT Tentacle muscles POT over his shoulders and starts to spin... Slippery Clutch! Now trying to free himself, Jonathan Smith encourages LEFT Tentacle to focus on the match. LEFT Tentacle covers POT... almost getting 3 before Lower Mouth breaks the pin. Lower Mouth starts to bring a chair down on LEFT Tentacle again... and again... and again... until the struggling rookie pulls Lower Mouth’s legs out from under him. Getting up, LEFT Tentacle starts spinning... RIGHT Tentacle comes out of the audience with some fans dressed as vines. LEFT Tentacle continues to go for the “Everyone Dies Giant Swing.” RIGHT Tentacle enters the ring, only to get hit by Lower Mouth and get sent flying. Vines 1, 2 & 3 jump in, only to get sent into the ropes, again, and again... it starts looking like pinball, and the spinning continues. Upper and Lower mouth hit heads, as the crowd goes nuts. POT slowly starts crawling towards LEFT Tentacle, under the swinging Lower Mouth. POT starts to jump LEFT Tentacle, when Jonathan Smith frees himself from the cross, taking POT down with a STIFF rolling kuppo kick. Getting dizzy, LEFT Tentacle finally lets go of Lower Mouth who falls into the vines... before LEFT falls back on top of Upper Mouth... 1... 2... 3. Wow. Winner: LEFT Tentacle Rating: ***1/4 ...None of these guys are the greatest wrestlers ever, and Tentacle is still incredibly green to be holding the belt... but the over booking masked it nicely. These men have a history, and that translated into a smooth flow with the action. Well done. Post Match: Jonathan Smith retrieves LEFT Tentacle’s title, hoisting the rookie up on his shoulders. Audrey 2 regroup on the outside, being joined by a few more audience members dressed as vines. The collective Audrey 2 give the ultimate champion a dirty look, but before trouble can start again, Six Demon Bag comes out of the back. Most of Audrey 2 going to hospital as a result of the monster, Audrey 2 get out of Six Demon Bag’s way. Jonathan Smith is quick to carry LEFT Tentacle out... not wanting to get crucified again. Six Demon Bag demands we get this show on the road. “#1 Love Six Dummy” Jake Harris tries to console his hero in the back. “Handsome” Henry doesn’t want to leave his dressing room... but Vile “Vince” Viper explains that it’ll be worse for him if the action gets out of the ring. Henry asks the North by Northwest champion, Edgar Caspian to join him at ringside. Caspian laughs at him. Jake Harris offers to join Henry. Caspian continues to laugh. KING OF THE DEATHMATCH FINALS S.W.A.T. Jisatsu Heavyweight Championship Burning Barb Wired Exploding Glass Coffin Death Match Six DEMON Bag vs. “Handsome” Henry <w/Jake Harris> Henry goes weak in the knees at the sight of the coffin... so Jake Harris decides to man up. Six Demon Bag goes to work on Harris with a staple gun, then drives a spike through Harris head. As “Handsome” Henry gets his second breathe, Six Demon Bag throws the mangled corpse of Jake Harris towards Henry at ringside. Grabbing a chair, Henry starts to make his way up... feeling confident... so Six Demon Bag pulls out his sickle. Six Demon Bag knocks the chair out of Henry’s hands with the sickle. Six Demon then encourages Henry to pick up the chair again... only to knock it out of his hands again with the sickle. Henry starts to run away, the larger Six Demon Bag chasing after him. Henry goes to ringside, where fans happily hand over weapons... running around the ring like a chicken with its head cut off, Henry grabs everything he can get his hands on... throwing it behind him at the monster known as Six Demon Bag. Henry ducks a sickle strike, which catches the ring post... then rolls under another sickle blow. Henry slides into the ring, with the sickle barely missing his feet. Six Demon slides in after him, charging after... Henry then blindsides Six Demon, stabbing away at him with an international object. When Six Demon shakes off the weapon shots, Henry starts working in a few knee shots... then runs Six Demon towards the coffin... throwing him through the ropes. Six Demon Bag puts his hand out, stopping himself short of falling into the coffin... the fire rises over his outfit. “Handsome” Henry springboards out of the ring, landing on Six Demon’s back. With Demon in an awkward position, Henry starts to jump up and down... only to have Six Demon roll away. Henry stands on the edge of the casket, almost falling in. Getting his footing, Six Demon Bag turns with another sickle shot... but Henry dives backwards out of the way. Henry leap frogs over one sickle shot... almost into the casket. Grabbing a bowling ball, Henry breaks it over Six Demon Bag’s head... not phasing him. Henry backsteps another sickle shot, and another, pulling out a nail gun... Henry starts to pump Six Demon Bag full of nails... but they don’t phase him. Running away, Henry narrowly avoids another sickle shot... putting some distance between himself and Six Demon, Henry feels safe... then Demon throws the sickle... it flies through the air almost taking off Henry’s head. Two hairs drift through the air. Realizing his gorgeous hair has been cut... Henry faints. Picking up the unconscious coward, Six Demon Bag carries “Handsome” Henry over to the horrific casket. Six Demon tosses Henry towards it... only to have Henry slide behind, as Demon turns, Henry throws a fireball in his face. Four more fire balls finally get Six Demon’s back to the casket, where the “Handsome One” pulls his legs out from under him... Six Demon falling back into the casket. Henry ducks just as the contraption explodes into a shower of flaming glass. Winner & *NEW* S.W.A.T. Jisatsu Champoin: “Handsome” Henry Rating: *** ...Could have been a classic, but Henry’s complete refusal to work the style kind of handicapped Six Demon Bag. With that in mind, better than it had any right to be. Post-match: As paramedics take Six Demon Bag away, “Handsome” Henry starts to cut a promo about being the most EXTREME wrestler in the promotion. As Henry talks about how hardcore he is, the smart marks, then the audience start to turn on him... “Handsome” Henry is the ONLY MAN not to take a single bump in the tournament, so his king of the deathmatch claim is highly questionable. The crowds jeers just push the new champion to higher levels of bragging about his extreme exploits. At this point Henry is probably the most hated man in the fed. More hated then even Tanner. Out of the back, Big Garbage Japan champion ARSENAL steps forwards with his title. Henry swallows hard as we fade to black. In Conclusion: Mild Recommendation to Avoid. Two thirds of this DVD are clip show crap, and the angles are as offensive and stupid as ever. What is good, isn’t good traditional wrestling, but this has more decent matches than the past four shows combined. I only slightly hate it. |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:45 PM Post #6 |
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Keith
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With its roster ravaged by the King of the DEATH MATCH tournament, an injured... S.W.A.T. BACKYARD Invades Australia MAIN EVENT S.W.A.T. Twinstar Tag Team Title Match Vile Vince Viper & Adrian Tanner Jr. vs. ??? & ??? KOTDM Finals Rematch S.W.A.T. Jisatsu Title Match "Handsome" Henry <c> vs. Six Demon Bag S.W.A.T. Six Man Tag title match YEAH Boyz vs. The Kelly Gang "Sexy Cowboy" Sirius Man vs. Death Adder Baby Eating Dingos vs. Spooky Squade KOMJGWHTBA vs. Crocodile Hunter Bob vs. Jake Harris WereElephant & Edgar Caspian vs. Blue Ringed Octopus & Kid Koala *Card subject to Change ************** ************** ************** -------------------------------------- S.W.A.T. BACKYARD Presents The Great OutBACK Yard Fight LIVE! (never) From Kevin Bryce’s backyard @ 158 Manor Cross road Sydney, Australia Of all the S.W.A.T. regions, BACKYARD feels MOST like the owner is embezzling all the funds. I mean they can’t spring for a full roster, so you have tired old friends of the boss - who were never A-list - taking on untrained rookies. They don’t even rent arenas! So it is slightly puzzling that they decided to travel across the world to put on this show. Since day one, this federation has been putting on shows across the states, crossing into NorthEast, MidSouth, and the soon to be announced MidWest... just to mock the promoters, but going international? This is a new low. After the king of the death match tournament, 90% of the roster was injured... so Vile took the 10% that weren’t, along with some costumes of those that were, and moved to Australia for this evening’s festitivities. Hiring local Aussie workers to bulk up the card, some as themselves, some wearing the costumes of S.W.A.T. locals. It promises to be awful. ...And I’ve been signed up for a S.W.A.T. B. tape of the month club, so unless Adrian Tanner stops this promotion.... I’m screwed. Vacant S.W.A.T. World Six-Man Tag titles YEAH Boyz (Bad Boy, Spud Boy & Feral Boy) vs. The Kelly Gang (Joesph “Kangeroo Killer” Shaw, “Wannabe Aboriginal” James Flinders, & Mouse Spider Mask) This is apparently the finals of a tournament they didn’t release. I catch them in their lie, when I realize Viper releases EVERYTHING. Mouse Spider has an easy costume to pick out, but Shaw & Flinders are completely interchangeable. While Bad & Feral are the real ones, Spud Boy has been replaced by a five-hundred pound local worker... which is probably an improvement. Pier Six starts us off, with Spud Boy & Mouse Spider taking center stage... as the two Australian workers probably know each other well. Bad Boy belly-to-belly suplexes Shaw (?) out of the ring, before Flinders (?) takes both Bad & Feral over with a double closeline. In the ring, Spud Boy & Mouse Spider actually go through some competent looking chain wrestling, with all sorts of whips and reversals, before Bad Boy reaches in and trips Spider, leading to a tombstone piledriver... for 2.5. The guy I’m calling Shaw comes off the top with a flying double stomp, then covers Spud for 2.9. We apparently aren’t tagging. Feral Boy dives on Shaw, biting his face, as both spill out of the ring, before Bad Boy hits Mouse with a standing senton for 2. Flinders comes off the top hitting a variation of a flying dropkick on Spud Boy, and a flying elbow on Bad Boy for 2.9. Springboard splash from Shaw gets 2. Mouse goes up top... but Feral Boy bites his ankle, causing him to fall into the audience. Feral runs in, and starts clawing at Flinders... while a recovering Spud Boy attacks Shaw from behind with a kneestrike. Bad Boy & Spud Boy kick the crap out of Shaw, then nail him with a spiked piledriver. With Feral boy keeping Flinders down, and Mouse body surfing around the audience... a super spiked piledriver gets 3. Winners: And *NEW* Six man tag champions YEAH Boyz Rating: ** it was a disjointed mess, and the spots weren’t spotty, but it was a real treat to watch a Spud Boy match without Spud Boy in it. The local workers had a good chemistry, and remind me to bust out my old S.W.A.T. Australia tapes. I really wish they’d start that region back up. Post-match: The heels kick the locals around for good measure, REALLY pissing off the crowd. James Splinders moans that he just wants to be an aboriginal, and then goes walk about. OH, I should note, that unlike usual Backyard shows, there is a crowd of around 500 people. No doubt fans of the old Australia region, hoping fan favourite Tanner will show up with this traveling freakshow. BACKSTAGE, Vile “Vince” Viper and his lovely assistant Cher Nobyl spin the wheel to decide tonight’s TWINSTAR challengers... first up is... Ultimate champion LEFT Tentacle! That could actually lead to some interesting pairings... and his partner will be... RIGHT Tentacle! Whoa. For a random wheel, it always picks people who hate each other. Herbicide (not actually Herbicide but an Aussie pretending to be him) storms into Vile’s “office” (bench), with Handy Andy following after him. Herbicide is an alien gardener, so the clicking sounds he makes have to be interpreted by Vile. Hilarity ensues. Apparently the gardener is upset that Handy Andy is infringing on his turf. Handy Andy doesn’t even deny it, the cocky prick. Drawing images of King David, Vile “Vince” Viper decides to cut the arena in half. Everyone looks at him like he’s retarded. ...And both men can give VVV 30% of their profits! Herbicide complains that he isn’t a handyman... Vile suddenly remembers the alien gardener fixing his chair last week... the screeching ant-man suddenly gets quiet. A flashback shows Vile sitting down, only to have the chair break... enraged, the king of snakes starts pummelling the shit out of Herbicide with a fly swatter. Back to the present, Vile reaches for his bug spray... then decides to let Andy do it for him. A match is set up for later tonight. Jimmy the Page tells Vile that RIGHT Tentacle was injured in the deathmatch... and they didn’t bring his costume. Scowling, Vile tells them to spin again for the tag match tonight. LEFT Tentacle’s partner will now be... UPPER MOUTH! More Audrey 2 goodness. Vile makes his way down to the ring, where he is greeted by local worker Death Adder. Vile “Vince” Viper addresses the crowd... he was a big fan of S.W.A.T. Australia back in the day. Admired its traditions, its champions, and its fans. The crowd is eating it up. He doesn’t know why they closed, or why they didn’t reopen such a magnificent fed... but he’s going to take the FIRST STEP towards remembering its legacy, by REACTIVATING the S.W.A.T. Australia World Heavyweight Title... right here, tonight, in a vacant contest against the reigning EWF Australia heavyweight champion, Death Adder! VACANT S.W.A.T. Australian Heavyweight Championship match Vile “Vince” Viper vs. Death Adder ...Before the match can start, Adrian Tanner Jr. comes out BLOWING THE ROOF off the joint... if it had one. Tanner is so angry he’s shaking. Grabbing a microphone, Adrian Tanner Jr. tells the crowd that he was never more proud than when he was the Australian champion... that the federation, and the title, meant a lot to him. And of all the malicious shit Vile has done to him, this would be the worst. Adrian Tanner Jr. is NOT GOING TO LET THIS ATROCITY HAPPEN! He won’t let Vile SHIT ON ADRIAN’S LEGACY! Vile looks at Tanner... he really means it... then looks at Death Adder. Death Adder lays down for Vile to put a foot on his chest. Adrian Tanner starts barrelling down the makeshift aisle. 1. Almost there. 2. Slides into the ring. 3!!!! Winner and *NEW* S.W.A.T. Australian Heavyweight Champion: Vile “Vince” Viper Rating: DUD Post-match: The bell hasn’t stopped ringing, when Tanner SPEARS Viper off of Adder. Mounting the old man, Tanner starts pummelling the shit out of him. Death Adder runs over trying to pull Tanner off, but Tanner fires off a forearm shot that BREAKS ADDER’S NOSE. Viper slides out of the ring trying to pick up his championship, but Tanner suicide dives after him. The two men start trading shots, as they brawl into the crowd. The single handheld cameraman can’t keep up with the two, who disappear into the mob of drunken fans. Backstage at head office (bench), Jimmy the Page informs Cher Nobyl that none of Audrey 2’s costumes came over, and the workers are all injured. She spins the TWINSTAR wheel again... Lower Mouth... then spins it again, “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson. He had some great exchanges with Tanner last time, and outside of a deathmatch, with a better partner... this could be a real classic. King of Remedial Labour HERBICIDE vs. HANDY ANDY Before the bell can start, HERBICIDE spews his bug spray in Handy Andy’s eyes... blinding the strapping young man. While Andy feels around the ring, HERBICIDE holds up a pair of garden shears... Andy reaches out, cutting his hand on the shears. They’ve gotten a lot more violent since the deathmatch tourney. Using the shears, HERBICIDE cuts off the straps on Andy’s overalls... further revealing his chest for a series of knife edge chops. Each stiff chop draws a woot from the crowd for some reason. The hooting annoying him, HERBICIDE then starts stomping Handy Andy down in the corner. Putting a little distance between him and the corner, HERBICIDE runs over with an Illegal Alien Lawn Mower Rider (Bronco Buster), but Handy Andy brings up his boot at the last second for a “How’s Your Missus?” As HERBICIDE falls to the ground clutching his whatnots, Handy Andy pulls out his trusty rag... wiping the bug spray out of his eyes. Handy Andy cheers to the crowd that he can see... yay... just in time to spot some hedge clippers pointed at his head. Andy matrixes under the Giant Ant Man’s hedge clippers, then sidesteps another swipe. Pulling out his trusty screwdriver, Handy Andy treats the crowd to a duel, screwdriver vs. hedge clippers. The two run all over the ring, trading shot for shot, parry for thrust... eventually Handy throws the screwdriver at HERBICIDE’s shin. Dropping his hedge clippers, HERBICIDE doubles over in agony... who hits a man in the shin? Handy Andy dives into the ropes, then bounces off with a little bit of “Overtime,” which gets 2.9... HERBICIDE starts to muscle out of the cover. I hate that. Who does a show of strength with their shoulders clearly pinned to the canvas? Freeing his hands, Handy Andy tries to double stomp.... but HERBICIDE grabs his feet, still trying to muscle up. Reaching into his pocket, Handy Andy pulls out some nails and a hammer... proceeding to NAIL HERBICIDE’S antennae to the canvas! (!) HERBICIDE throws Handy Andy off of him, only to find he can’t move his head! Handy Andy feels pleased with himself... before the large ant monster starts spewing up venom. Shocked, Handy Andy starts to run around the ring, narrowly avoiding bug spit after bug spit. It’s kind of gross. Slipping in some bug spew Handy Andy falls backwards into a makeshift senton, right onto HERBICIDE. Whether it was the nails in the trampoline, weight of the guy playing HERBICIDE this week, or divine intervention, we’ll never know... but both men fall through the canvas. Hrm. Handy Andy eventually comes out, then drags HERBICIDE up... before draping an arm across the ant monster for... 1... 2... 3!!! Winner: Handy Andy Rating: **3/4 it was more gimmicks than wrestling, but that’s what they do well. Any match with a bug monster fighting an unskilled odd jobber that isn’t painful to watch is a MOTYC in my book. Post-Match: Getting to his feet, HERBICIDE gives Handy Andy a dirty look. They’re going to come to blows again. Vile “Vince” Viper Irish whips Adrian Tanner into the ring post... Tanner bounces off with a fistdrop. While the two wrestlers of the year brawl around ringside, Viper yells at the lazy assholes in the ring to “FIX IT!” before the brawl disappears back into the crowd. HERBICIDE and Handy Andy exchanged a pained nod, before shaking hands... united in their slave labour. As the two men set about fixing the ring, we cut back to the office (bench). Jimmy the Page informs Cher Nobyl that “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson is in intensive care back in the states, where he is STILL BLEEDING from his match with “Handsome” Henry, and can’t make tonight’s TWINSTAR title fight. Cursing, Cher Nobyl spins the wheel again... drawing... Human Guinea Pig! He’s out of action too. Damn. Hardcore Hero? On a no fly list. Fuck! Cher Nobyl spins the wheel again... “Perfect Gentleman” Edgar Caspian! He’s here tonight. Sweet! Also... Jimmy the Page informs her that the ring is broken, and no action is taking place... outside of Viper and Tanner’s brawl. Nobyl tells Page to rush the Death match, as it doesn’t take place in the ring. S.W.A.T. Jisatsu World Heavyweight Championship Shrimp on the Barbie Death Match “Handsome” Henry (w/Jake Harris & Edgar Caspian) vs. Six Demon Bag A rematch of the king of the deathmatch finals! A frighten looking Henry drags his entourage kicking and screaming out with him, to a separate clearing where a flames shoot out of a gigantic barbeque. Holding the Jisatsu title up in the air for all to see, Henry takes the time to remind everyone that he IS the most hardcore wrestler in the world today. These claims piss off the crowd, and draw the Six Demon Bag... who immediately pushes Jake Harris into the barbeque. At the sight of Six Demon Bag, “Handsome” Henry faints. Catching fire, Jake Harris starts to run around like a mad man... only to be put down by SDB with his Headless Demon Chop. The ring crew cover a burnt Harris in blankets, snuffing the blaze, as Six Demon Bag grabs a roast off the barbeque, and starts beating Edgar Caspian over the head with it. “Handsome” Henry comes from behind with a chain... choking Six Demon, while Caspian works over the big man’s ribs. Grabbing a shish kabob off the barbeque, Six Demon STABS Caspian in the forehead, before turning around and stabbing at Henry. The champion ducks down, still choking away with the chain, but having no intention of selling a sharp stick. Eventually Six Demon pulls forwards, flipping Henry towards the barbeque... Henry manages to put the breaks on right before touching the barbeque. Henry doesn’t sell fire. Grabbing a shish kabob of his own, Henry starts to stab at Six Demon... before the two are duelling shish kabobs... a lot of random object duels on this show. Six Demon disarms Henry, then grabbing another shish kabob, starts to chase the cowardly champion around the barbeque. Edgar Caspian pops up with a low blow... but Six Demon ignores it, STABBING Caspian again. Grabbing Caspian by the throat, Six Demon Bag starts to lift him up in the air... when Henry dropkicks him in the face... Caspian turns it into a body press... sending him and Six Demon back into the barbeque. As both men go up, Henry is shocked to find he retained. Winner: “Handsome” Henry Rating: Not many moves... but the spots were ugly... **... nothing like their KOTDM finals. Post-Match: “Handsome” Henry kicks Jake Harris out of the way, as he races over to check on his flaming tag team partner. Suddenly a flaming Six Demon Bag sits up... “Horrified” Henry starts to run away, being chased by the engulfed Six Demon Bag! Paramedics check on Caspian and Harris. Vile “Vince” Viper and Adrian Tanner Jr. are trading chairshots on top of the office (bench). In between chairshots, Cher Nobyl informs Viper about the various difficulties around LEFT Tentacle’s tag partner, but they’ve settled on Edgar Caspian. North by Northwest champion Edgar Caspian is pushed past the scene in a gurney. Sighing, Cher Nobyl spins the TWINSTAR Wheel again... for Sadako! Nope. Jake Harris! ...also gets wheeled past in a stretcher. Elephant’s HEAD? No longer exists. WereElephant vs. Blue Ringed Octopus On the last show Elephant’s HEAD lost a mask vs. mask match, only to find out that thanks to a Gypsy curse, under his mask was an actual elephant’s head. So reinvented as WereElephant, the artist formerly known as Elephant’s HEAD charges down to the ring. A masked local called Blue Ringed Octopus looks for a handshake, only to be immediately TUSKED. WereElephant then hits a second TUSK, and starts stomping on the young kid. The referee tries to stop him, only to get pushed out of the way... drawing a DQ. Winner: Blue Ringed Octopus by DQ. Post-Match: A few more locals run out, trying to stop the WereElephant’s rampage... leading us too. WereElephant vs. Samuel Wilson, Art Jackson, and Blue Ringed Octopus WereElephant no sells the two on one beating, throwing both Wilson & Jackson off of him. A running double stomp keeps Blue Ringed Octopus out of it. WereElephant hits Art Jackson with the RAMPAGE. Then stomps over to Samuel Wilson with a TUSK, before turning back to Art Jackson for a second RAMPAGE! All three of the local stars are bloody messes, as the big monster stomps from one to the next hitting STAMPEDE after RAGING STAMPEDE! WereElephant stacks the three men on top of each other before nailing a SUPER RAGING STAMPEDE... a hush falls over the crowd. They expect Adrian Tanner to murder wrestlers, but not Elephant’s HEAD! WereElephant drops forwards with a cover... 1... 2... 3. Winner: WereElephant Rating: DUD Post-Match: WereElephant continues to stomp on the jobbers... drawing “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man out of the back. Seeing red, WereElephant stomps out of the ring, charging down towards Sirius Man... the two start a wild brawl. Vile “Vince” Viper and Adrian Tanner Jr. are seen brawling around various Sydney monuments. The Taronga Zoo. Star City Casino. King’s Cross. Luna Park. Sydney Tower. Powerhouse Museum. Australian National Maritime Museum. The Royal Botanical Gardens. The two men throw eachother off of one monument into another... if you didn’t know better; you’d think the Sydney Tourist board paid for this whole trip. (!) Kid Old Man Jenkins Grandson who happens to be Australian vs. Crocodile Hunter Bob Crocodile Hunter Bob looks a lot like Treasure Hunter Bob before he became a mutant baby. I despise S.W.A.T. Backyard. After all that Vile / Tanner brawling, this is JOINED IN PROGRESS... we JIP to KOMJGWHTBA (phew) hitting Bob with a rake! Another rake shot is enough to put the Crocodile Hunter down for a quick pin... 1...2...3. Winner: Kid Old Man Jenkins Grandson Who Happens To Be Australian Rating: Clip show. Post-Match: EWF Australia light heavyweight champion “Mad” Max Nolan enters the ring with a flying bulldog. Fosters Beer Man checks on Crocodile Hunter Bob, while “Mad” Max clears Jenkins out of the ring. “Mad” Max calls on S.W.A.T. to come up with a challenge, worthy of this fine Australian talent! Kid Koala wonders why there are no Australian names being picked out of the wheel... and gets sent home for his troubles. Cher Nobyl tries the wheel one last time... LEFT Tentacle’s tag partner is going to be “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man! After the two epic encounters, the two men had over the ULTIMATE title, perhaps they’ve built up a report to seriously challenge for the titles? The TWINSTAR champions are brawling around the Sydney Opera House. Baby Eating Dingos (“Mad” Max Nolan & Fosters Beer Man <w/GIANT BOOT>) vs. SPOOKY Squad (TREE <Poltergeist> & Regan MacNeil <Exorcist>) Regan MacNeil starts, throwing up violently all over “Mad” Max Nolan. Nolan tries to lariat her, but slips in sick. Nolan tries to get up, but keeps sliding around in the vomit, as Regan continues to get sick all over him. It looks like Nolan is going to drown, when Fosters Beer Man comes in with his GIANT BOOT and kicks Regan right in the head. TREE enters the ring; only to get hit with a double dropkick... then a double closeline... another double closeline knocks TREE back into the ropes, where he falls out to the floor. Regan MacNeil starts throwing up on Fosters Beer Man... who tries to use his boot, but gets pushed back by all the vomit. He throws the boot, but Regan switches targets, and projectile vomits the boot out into the crowd. Regan then turns to the crowd, cheering on the local favourites... and throws up on them too. “Mad” Max comes off the top with a flying bulldog on the little girl... she’s still throwing up, but unconscious... a cover gets 1.... 2... before he can get 3... JUNIOR (it’s Alive) the mutant baby flies through the air, biting “Mad” Max’s throat. Foster’s Beer Man tries to pull the baby off, only to have his hand bitten... TREE comes back in, nailing Foster’s over the back with a branch... then branches the hell out of “Mad” Max... putting Regan on top of him for the three count. Winner: SPOOKY Squad Rating: ...The bulk of the action was a little girl throwing up... call it negative -*** Post-Match: JUNIOR, TREE & Regan take turns beating up “Mad” Max and Fosters... the crowd really start booing, when out of the back is thrown Sirius Man. WereElephant accompanied by Farmer Vincent (Motel Hell) and Franken Berry (FRANKEN BERRY Cereal) follow the Sexy Cowboy out, beating him with canes. Throwing Sirius into the ring, WereElephant address the crowd, telling them about a man possessed by a ghost that doesn’t want to join the Monster Army. TREE, JUNIOR, Regan, Franken, Vincent and WereElephant all start beating the living hell out of Sirius Man. With very few names remaining, Cher Nobyl spins the wheel one last time... “No Gimmicks Needed” Jonathan Smith! Over hearing this news, LEFT Tentacle is overjoyed... turning to his mentor to relay that THE BLANDEST MAN ON THE ROSTER IS GETTING A TITLE SHOT. Now, normally I’d call bullshit on the two randomly being thrown together, I mean, they are the only guys who act like a team... so it’s kind of a coincidence. But they did effectively show, that Smith is only in the match, because a dozen other people couldn’t be. Still brawling, a bloody and beaten Vile “Vince” Viper is informed of the match... so he starts leading the brawl with Adrian Tanner back towards ringside. S.W.A.T. TWINSTAR TAG TEAM TITLES Adrian Tanner Sucks Balls So Hard That We Decided To Start Our Own Ball Company Called Balls For Adrian Tanner to Suck On Express <c> vs. The Panar Leopard Express Don’t know where the team name comes from. Viper can barely move, as Tanner throws the old man into the ring. LEFT Tentacle tries to capitalize by putting on his shitty Constrictor hold, but Viper breaks it... and hits LEFT Tentacle with the Satan’s strut for even trying it. Jonathan Smith runs in trying to help out, and gets hit with a Satan’s Strut for his trouble. Viper starts to go for the pin, when Tanner pulls him off, and starts pummelling the old man again. Viper throws Tanner off of him, then hits him with a crescent moon killer. With Tanner out, Viper turns back to the Panar Leopards... hitting Jonathan Smith with a Metal Skull Breaker II. Viper starts to go for the pin, when he’s informed that Smith isn’t the legal man. Turning to LEFT Tentacle, Viper grabs another bottle... looking for another Metal Skull Breaker. LEFT Tentacle braces himself for the impact, stopping to congratulate Viper on winning the Australian Heavyweight title. Viper thanks Tentacle before hitting the Metal Skull Destroyer. The Australian congratulations is all it takes to spring the vengeful Tanner to his feet... who NAILS Viper with THE REVOLVER, before slumping backwards. Coming too, Jonathan Smith sees Viper down... and drags an unconscious LEFT Tentacle over him. 1... 2... 3?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Winner: *NEW* TWINSTAR CHAMPIONS LEFT Tentacle & Jonathan Smith!? Rating: -* it would have been more negative, but I like to see Viper lose. Post-Match: Jonathan Smith starts to hold his young protégé’s hand up in victory... when he notices some cameras on him. Turning away, Smith tries to hide his face. A bloody and beaten Adrian Tanner Jr. laughs at Viper’s loss to a ROOKIE before slipping into a coma. Vile “Vince” Viper slowly wakes up... just in time to hear the announcement of the new champions. That can’t happen. Vile can’t lose. Especially in his OWN FED. Something wrong is going on here... something strange. The concept of Viper losing or rather Viper's loss causes reality to collapse in on itself... a series of star wipes causes the universe to be destroyed, leaving a black screen. The end of S.W.A.T. Backyard? We can only hope. |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:47 PM Post #7 |
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Keith
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S.W.A.T. TOP OF THE WORLD MAIN EVENT: WAR GAMES "Backyard vs. Outback" TEAM Backyard: LEFT Tentacle, "No Gimmicks Needed" Jonathan Smith, Hardcore Hero, HERBICIDE & Handy Andy vs. TEAM Outback: DEATH Adder, Koala Kid, BASTARD Razorback, "Mad" Max Nolan & Fosters Beer Man <w/Big BOOT> HELL in a CELL Tables match SWAT Australia Heavyweight Championship Vile "Vince" Viper <c> vs. "Arrizona Assassin" Adrian Tanner Jr. SWAT SIX MAN TAG MATCH YEAH Boyz (Bad Boy, Feral Boy, Spud Boy) vs. The Kelly Gang (Kid Old Man Jenkins' Grandson, "Wannabe Aboriginal" James Flinders, and Mouse Spider mask) SWAT Jisatsu Title Match GREAT WHITE SHARK Death Match "Handsome" Henry vs. ARSENAL Barbwire Battle Royal for Jisatsu Title shot Six Demon Bag vs. Jake Harris vs. "Fucker" Chris Templeton vs. Monte Kingsley vs. Frank Scalpel vs. Uncle Son of Sam vs. "Haemophiliac" Bill Johnson vs. Goliath vs. "Genocidal" Jack Straights vs. HOBO Fighter BOB vs. Tyrant Slim LUMBER JACK The Ripper "Sexy Cowboy" Sirius Man vs. WereElephant Lumberjacks: Audrey 2, SADAKO, Franken Berry, Farmer Vincent, Regan MacNeil, Junior, and TREE. SWAT North by Northwest title match "The Perfect Gentleman" Edgar Caspian vs. Brian Calypso REALITY COLLAPSED ON THE LAST SHOW, SO CARD IS HIGHLY SUBJECT TO CHANGE **************** **************** **************** When we last watched a S.W.A.T. Backyard show, VVV awarded himself the SWAT Australia championship, pissing off Tanner who promptly cost Viper the TWINSTAR titles to rookie sensation LEFT Tentacle and his mysteriously bland mentor Jonathan Smith. As a result of Vile’s loss, reality collapsed, and the universe ended. Keeping that in mind, why the HELL did I receive another SWAT show in the mail today? No longer in a backyard, this S.W.A.T. Backyard show is taking place inside the staples center. With a packed house of a legit 20,000 people in attendance... reality really must have collapsed in on itself. How did this happen? How does a backyard fed, sell out a major arena? Backstage, the same ragtag troupe of Backyard “stars” play cards, eat diner, and shoot the shit, trying not to let their nerves get to them. There are more fans in attendance tonight, than many of them have seen in their entire careers. Vile “Vince” Viper: Good luck tonight. The king of snakes exits through the stage curtains, out into the arena. Fireworks can be heard. Handy Andy and HERBICIDE are having arguments with some teamsters over whether they can ply their trade in the staples center. Handy Andy & HERBICIDE feel they should, while the Teamsters are of the opposite opinion. The Hardcore Hero helps the Human Guinea Pig duct tape up a few more massive wounds on his costume. YEAH Boyz are putting dog shit in a few of the other stars travel bags. Fucking YEAH Boyz. Jonathan Smith is teaching LEFT Tentacle a few more moves, while Audrey 2 watches their former member with jealous eyes. Six Demon Bag compares war wounds with “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson, and Brian Calypso entertains the kids with road stories. “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man pokes his head out through the curtain. “Handsome” Henry: I wouldn’t do that. Sirius Man: You’re telling me you don’t want to watch this? “Handsome” Henry: I know how it ends. I’d cut it out, if Vile sees you, heads will roll. WereElephant: There sure are a lot of assholes trying to slap hands, only to cough on you. Lot of sick looking people in the crowd. Kind of disgusting. Jonathan Smith: Get used to it. The camera pushes through the curtains, to find what’s drawing the massive crowd. An enclosed cage surrounds the ring; in it “Arizona Assassin” Adrian Tanner Jr. and Vile “Vince” Viper slowly circle each other. HELL IN A CELL TABLES MATCH S.W.A.T. Australia Heavyweight Title Vile “Vince” Viper <c> vs. “Arizona Assassin” Adrian Tanner Jr. The final insult. Vile was thrust upon SWAT Northeast with the promise of the first one on one encounter with Adrian Tanner... then runs it in his own shitty region, to fuck them over? S.W.A.T. management must be pissed! I know I’d be. What an asshole. The two men lock-up, when S.W.A.T. Northeast’s show is suddenly saved... or destroyed... your call... as Adrian Tanner BITES Vile “Vince” Viper. Vile wails in agony. The crowd is a little taken aback. That’s out of character. Tanner continues biting... drawing blood! Realizing something is wrong, the referee opens the cage... the referee reaches down, trying to pull Adrian Tanner off... only to have Tanner pounce on the referee. The boys come through the curtain, running towards the ring. Adrian Tanner rips the referee’s throat out. S.W.A.T. BACKYARD Presents S.W.A.T. Z O M B I E S ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Zombie Adrian Tanner Jr. turns from the quivering referee Dandy Johnson to the heavily bleeding Vile “Vince” Viper. “Handsome” Henry is the first through the cage, showing uncharacteristic heroics in yanking Adrian Tanner off his mentor. A dozen guys follow Henry’s blind charge into the cage, but are taken aback as Tanner bites Henry’s hand. Fighting through the shock and pain, Henry shoves Zombie Adrian Tanner back into the cage... then forces him out through the cage. A few of the coughing asshole fans stumble over the guardrail, cutting half the roster off as it makes its way down the aisle. The unlucky stragglers start to back peddle but find themselves cut off by another group of stumbling sickly asshole fans. Bumping into one sickly assholes, Uncle Son of Sam loses his giant hat. Reaching down to pick it up, Uncle Son of Sam leaves himself open to having his brains eaten. What the fuck!? Not good in stress situations, Edgar Caspian and Jake Harris dive out of the way, as “Handsome” Henry drags Zombie Adrian Tanner out of the cage. Zombie Referee Dandy Johnson jumps on WereElephant’s back, biting the pachyderm’s neck. WereElephant falls backwards into the cage, stampeding around the ring, knocking over tables as he tries to shake Zombie Dandy off of him. “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man tries to yank Dandy Johnson off, only to get dragged out of the cage by the stampeding WereElephant. Sickly asshole fans (probably zombies) tear Franken Berry apart. Revenge for turning one’s urine pink? That’s between you and General Mills. Towards the back of the pack, Kid Old Man Jenkins and Upper Mouth (Audrey 2) try to race around some asshole fans, when they’re confronted by some of their own. Kid Old Man Jenkins & Upper Mouth vs. ZOMBIE Uncle Son of Sam & ZOMBIE Bad Boy KOMJ’s brings his rake down on Zombie Bad Boy’s head... again... and again... not having much luck destroying the brain. ZOMBIE Uncle Son of Sam yanks Old Man Jenkin’s eyes out. Holding his brains in place, Zombie Bad Boy staggers back into the guardrail, then dives forwards, biting Upper Mouth. Upper Mouth tries to kick ZOMBIE Bad Boy off, only to get swarmed by some more asshole fans. A blinded Kid Old Man Jenkins staggers into another asshole fan looking for help, only to have his fingers bitten off. Jenkins and Upper Mouth are torn to pieces. “Handsome” Henry throws ZOMBIE Adrian Tanner Jr. over the guardrail, then turns to enter the cage. ZOMBIE Tanner dives off the guardrail, jumping on top of Henry... Caspian reaches out to help his friend, just in time to be splashed with gore as Tanner feasts on the Jisatsu champion’s brains. ZOMBIE WereElephant throws ZOMBIE Dandy Johnson into the cage, before tearing Sirius Man in half. Reaching through the cage, Brian Calypso grabs some keys out of Dandy Johnson’s pocket, then heads over to the door. A blood drenched zombie Adrian Tanner Jr. starts to crawl towards the cage. Calypso fumbles around with the keys, trying to find the right one for the padlock. Six Demon Bag rises... his head torn half off... if he looked intimidating before, the big man is twice as scary now. Calypso looks around... is there NO ONE LEFT? HERBICIDE & Hardcore Hero vs. Zombie Goliath, Zombie Upper Mouth, Zombie RIGHT Tentacle, Zombie Tree, Zombie Chris Templeton and Zombie Regan McNeil Pulling out two nail guns, Hardcore Hero shoots ZOMBIE Tree through the head. Zombie Chris Templeton lunges at him, so HERO nails Templeton’s feet to the floor. More nails following, knocking back Zombie Goliath. Then the motor starts. HERBICIDE runs down the aisle with an upturned lawnmower, hacking up zombies, zombie fans, and zombie wrestlers alike. This actually manages to make a nice path down the aisle for Hardcore Hero and himself. The Giant Zombie Goliath grabs HERBICIDE by the throat, so the alien gardener leans on the mower... chopping Zombie Goliath to pieces. Climbing on top of the giant, HERBICIDE places the lawnmower on Goliath’s head... gore splashing everywhere. It takes awhile to cut through the big man, allowing the rest of the zombies to move in for the kill. Hardcore Hero stands next to the gardener... shooting nails to keep the zombies at bay. Zombie Regan McNeil takes one right through the eye... doesn’t stop her vomiting. Zombie Kid Uncle Son of Sam starts to claw at Hardcore Hero’s leg... Hero shoots down... and is out of nails. The horde of zombies moves in... HERBICIDE brings the lawnmower up just in time to hack RIGHT Tentacle’s arm off... but it’s too late. Swarmed, the two men are ripped limb from limb. From safety, Handy Andy lets out a scream as he sees his new found friend disappear into the mob. As the last screams fade away, Brian Calypso pad locks the cage door shut... seconds before Zombie Adrian Tanner Jr. dives at him. Lower Mouth pulls Brian Calypso back, just as Tanner goes for his arm. A dozen men stand around the ring... a flimsy steel cage standing between them and 20,000 zombies. Some close friends mixed in with the asshole fans. ZOMBIE WereElephant joins ZOMBIE Adrian Tanner in hammering the cage door, trying to force themselves in. Pulling a crowbar out from under the mat, Brian Calypso starts to knock their hands away, swinging again and again... breaking off a few fingers in the processes. WereElephant looks up then starts SPEWING BLOOD out of his long trunk. Grabbing a table, Brian Calypso holds it up, trying to block the flow of blood. Joining him, Edgar Caspian pulls out another table, propping it up between Calypso’s table, and the ringpost... trying to wedge them in place. Handy Andy comes over with another table and his tools, hammering away at it. In the ring Cher Nobyl checks on a blood drenched Viper, trying to apply pressure to his wound. Also seated in the ring, “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson desperate applies pressure to a scratch on his hand. Lifting up the mat cover, Jonathan Smith pulls a few more tables out from under the ring, handing them to LEFT Tentacle as he grabs more. Jonathan Smith is startled by movement... then angered. Jonathan Smith: What the!? ...We could use a little help out here. Spud Boy: FUCK YOU! This is our hiding spot! Finding the zombies drawn to movement, Spud Boy pulls the flap back down to obscure his presence. Hiding under the ring with the always unpleasant Farmer Vincent (MOTEL HELL), and unusually docile Human Guinea Pig. Jonathan Smith: You learn a lot about people in high pressure situations. Lower Mouth: Spud Boy was always an asshole. Reuniting with the former Audrey 2 member, Lower Mouth holds up another table for LEFT Tentacle to hammer into place. Edgar Caspian starts to slide tables into the ring, where Brian Calypso has started propping them up against the ropes, using duct tape to make a makeshift fort in the middle of the ring. Zombie Six Demon Bag joins Zombie WereElephant, Zombie Tanner, and the majority of ZOMBIE Audrey 2 in hammering against the cage. More and more audience members are rising from their seats, and graves, dragging entrails along with them... as they move towards the cage. As secure as its going to get, Handy Andy and Edgar Caspian join the others inside the ring, covering their tracks with tables as to not further agitate the army of zombies. Handy Andy: ...well. Edgar Caspian: ... Brian Calypso: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? Vile “Vince” Viper <coughing up blood>: I... i... always warned tanner to hit the showers after matches... damned... <cough> biohazard. Now you’re stuck with the <cough> undead. “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson: You’re not saying those people are zombies! “BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!” “BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!” “BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!” “BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!” “BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!” “BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!”“BR-AINS!” Cher Nobyl: Nothing to worry about. If you have 20,000 people acting like that, you wind up with press coverage... and the army. The army will come! We just have to wait it out... “No Gimmicks Needed” Jonathan Smith seems visibly upset at talk of media covering this event. LEFT Tentacle: What’s with you John? Whenever someone takes a picture, or cameras are around, you get all sky... like you don’t want to be seen. Jonathan Smith: I have my reasons. Brian Calypso: Yeah... you’re a good wrestler, moving on in years... you’ve probably been wrestling for a decade. But I can’t remember you for the life of me. You’re like just like a few hundred other wrestlers, that appear on all these shows... and no one can remember. No offense. Jonathan Smith: None taken. Brian Calypso: But you have the skills necessary to break out... you just need to draw attention. So why don’t you? Why are you vicariously living through LEFT Tentacle, when you should be in the spotlight? Jonathan Smith: ...I...really don’t want the attention. I make a nice living being just like everyone else. I don’t like rocking the boat. I can work a few more shows without any fan service if no one remembers who I am. My name doesn’t get out there... make a decent living or two... support my family... or two... you see, I’m a Bigamist. It pays to blend into the crowd. Don’t want one of my wives finding out about one of my dozen other names. The S.W.A.T. Backyard survivors get quiet, a few shifting away from Smith. LEFT Tentacle wonders if he’d taken advice from Smith if he’d known about his sleazy personal life. Jonathan Smith: Once Louise saw a picture of me in the paper, under the name Jeremy Burton... I had to explain that was just my wrestling name. That can be stressful. And I can’t use the wrestling excuse with Martha; she thinks I sell vacuum cleaners. LEFT Tentacle: How many wives do you have? “Bigamist” Jonathan Smith starts to pull out his wallet to show off all his children then stops, taking in all the disgusted gazes. Cringing, Smith puts the wallet away, and turns his back to the rest of them. Screw them. He loves all his families equally. Edgar Caspian <catch phrase>: ...That’s no way to treat a lady. Lower Mouth <muttering>: Some guys have all the luck. I don’t even have a girlfriend... shit. LEFT Tentacle <sneering at Lower mouth>: Why the _FUCK_ do you always act like that? Why do you always have to act so jealous? Lower Mouth: What the hell are you on about? LEFT Tentacle: Like the way you guys turned on me when I won the title... Lower Mouth: HEY, we got you to the finals... you didn’t win that belt on your own. And the moment you do win it, you’re too good to defend with us? We were... we ARE happy for you, but straight up, go fuck yourself. You turned on US, asshole. LEFT Tentacle: ...I...didn’t...I didn’t mean to. Bill Johnson stares out through a crack in the tables. “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson: HEY... there’s someone still... Feral Boy is still alive! Brian Calypso: What... he’s eating people too! Spud Boy <under canvas>: He always eats people. He’ll eat anything. He’s a Feral child. Brian Calypso: Well, we need to get him in here! Edgar Caspian: The kid seems to be doing alright out there in the open... if anything; us drawing attention to him could put the creature’s life in danger. Brain Calypso: Damn it. Oblivious to army of the undead amassed throughout the arena; Cecil Kennedy walks around ghoul after ghoul... eventually reaching Zombie Adrian Tanner Jr. Cecil pats his NEXTWAVE partner on the shoulder... only to have ZOMBIE Tanner turn on him, ripping Cecil’s throat out. Handy Andy: Herbicide was apprenticing under me... we had plans to build a tree house. I’m going to miss him. That tree house was going to be fucking sweet. Edgar Caspian <trying to raise his spirits>: ...Maybe we can all go there when we get out of here. Handy Andy: No. The Perfect Gentleman starts to whimper. Lurching forwards Lower Mouth starts to strangle Handy Andy, Brian Calypso tries to pull him off, but the tables overhead make it awkward to move. Handy Andy turns blue, not for want of milfs which he gets all the time, but the lack of oxygen. Lower Mouth: THAT WOMAN IN YOUR LAST VIDEO... Handy Andy: Quite the <cough> looker... Lower Mouth: WAS MY MOTHER!!! The two men roll around, as they jockey for the top position. As Handy Andy shoves Lower Mouth off of him, the mouth pushes up through one of their tables. Looking outside the fort, we now see zombies crawling around the top of the cage... pulling each other apart. At the sight of Lower Mouth, the zombies start pushing their arms through holes in the cage, desperately trying to get in for more brains. There are a lot of them. Lower Mouth ducks down just in time to get kicked in the jaw by Handy Andy. Under the ring, the crazed eyes of Farmer Vincent (movie monster from Motel Hell) start darting around. Farmer Vincent: There’s too many people in the world and not enough food. This takes care of both problems at the same time. Spud Boy: Yeah... are you sure you wouldn’t rather hang out in the bunker above us? I have enough problems with the undead, without your creepy old ass goin’ crazy on me. Farmer Vincent: Look at those shuffling hypocrites! ...And... and I’m the biggest hypocrite of them all, My meats... I used preservatives! Spud Boy: ...Why do I always get stuck with the losers? I don’t like your chances of survival. Same goes for you! Spud Boy turns to the quiet Human Guinea Pig. God that kid is quiet. It’s kind of annoying. Getting frustrated Spud Boy reaches over, and slaps Human Guinea Pig across the back of his mask. The head of the furry costume falls off. Underneath the wrestler who plays Human Guinea Pig looks awfully pale... his eyes are glazed over... blood drips from his mouth. How long has he been a zombie? How did they NOT noticed that? ZOMBIE Human Guinea Pig lunges forwards, biting Spud Boy’s throat. Spud Boy: JESUS CHRIST... HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! Farmer Vincent: Meat’s meat... and a man’s gotta eat! As Spud Boy’s legs stop jerking, The ZOMBIE Human Guinea Pig turns on Farmer Vincent, digging into the old cannibal’s gut. Vincent starts screaming, but as the zombie keeps chewing through his lower intestine, it turns into a laugh. Farmer Vincent: It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters! Most of the wrestlers in the ring, ignore the screams coming from under the ring, as they pry Lower Mouth off of Handy Andy. Lower Mouth continues to kick like a rabid dog, but the stronger Brian Calypso holds him back. Brian Calypso: It’s not worth it! Handy Andy: SHE REALLY WASN’T!!! Cher Nobyl: Oh shit... hang on Vile! The SWAT Backyard promoter starts to cough up blood. Lower Mouth kicks Handy Andy a few more times, before Brian Calypso can drags him back. Mouth finally goes slack, just as Calypso pulls hard... causing both men to fall through one of the tables, out to ringside. Brian Calypso: Now I mean it... the only way we’re going to get through this is if we-----ARGH! Back landing against the cage, a dozen zombie wrestling arms reach through the steel rungs to grab Calypso. Handy Andy pulls away from a few of the zombies grasps... turning to see ZOMBIE Six Demon Bag push his bulbous head through the cage, biting Calypso’s head. The arms then start to pull Calypso apart, disembowelling him. Handy Andy reaches out to pull Calypso away... but it’s too late. Edgar Caspian: You’re getting them excited... get back here! Handy Andy dives back into the ring... trying to put pieces of the table he just broke up, to obscure their vision. It’s hard to piece together. Just as Handy Andy feels happy with the makeshift construct, ZOMBIE Human Guinea Pig bursts through the canvas. Handy Andy tries to pull back, but the costumed zombie wastes little time reaching up... and gutting the SWAT Handyman. Grabbing Handy Andy’s hammer, “Bigamist” Jonathan Smith brings it down on Human Guinea Pig’s head... again and again... knocking out teeth before they can break skin. Knocking out an glazed eye looking for an easy meal. Knocking out brains... and more brains. Until Human Guinea Pig falls back into the hole in the canvas he came out of. Jonathan Smith: ...phew. Zombie Human Guinea Pig jumps back up again... Jonathan Smith again brings the hammer down on Guinea Pig’s head... this knocks out enough brains to kill the wrestling rodent for a second time. Bill Johnson is almost passing out from lack of blood. Edgar Caspian: ...Is it that bad? Bill Johnson <hacking cough>: I’ve had worse. Edgar Caspian: Why do you do it? Given your condition... this isn’t a smart sport to be in. Bill Johnson <deathly pale>: ...I’ve spent too much of my life playing it safe. I can do anything. If I’m better than the other guy, I’m not going to get cut... I’m not going to bleed. Edgar Caspian: Fair enough. ...Oh... Bill Johnson: What? Edgar Caspian <striking pose>: ...Now that... THAT... The camera pans over to find Zombie Vile “Vince” Viper feasting on Cher Nobyl. It then pans back to a horrified Perfect Gentleman, who still has enough wits about him, to fire off that infamous catchphrase. Edgar Caspian: THAT is NO WAY to treat a lady! Table based fort explodes, as Zombie VVV stands up through half of them, the other half fall over, as the remaining wrestling run from the ring. Edgar Caspian walks backwards into the cage, jumping off RIGHT BEFORE Zombie “Handsome” Henry can claw him to pieces. Lower Mouth is running around the ring, trying to get away from Viper, when he’s suddenly pulled over. Zombie Farmer Vincent yanks a screaming Lower Mouth under the ring. LEFT Tentacle reaches out, trying to help his former friend... but it’s too late, as Lower Mouth disappears beneath the ring. LEFT Tentacle looks shaken. He’s more shaken, when a tidal wave of blood splashes out, washing over him. Zombie Spud Boy charges out the other side towards Edgar Caspian, who is quick to sidestep the half-eaten man. Grabbing Spud Boy’s Larger intestine... Edgar Caspian starts to run away, dragging the intestine behind him. Zombie Farmer Vincent dives out from under the ring towards LEFT Tentacle, but “Bigamist” Jonathan Smith pulls him to the side. Zombie Farmer Vincent slashes out, but Smith matrixes under the claw. Jonathan Smith kicks Vincent in the stomach... but the zombie farmer no sells it! Fuck! The Panar Leopard Express start to run away from the zombie monster Vincent. Finished eating Cher Nobyl, the zombie VVV reaches out... slicing “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson’s head off. There is a surprising lack of blood. Edgar Caspian slides into the ring, narrowly avoiding Spud Boy, and dragging the large intestine around the ring post... Spud Boy doubles back trying to rip Edgar Caspian asunder. Dropping down, Caspian pulls the intestine tight... Zombie Spud Boy trips on his own intestines... falling forwards into the steel steps. Zombie Spud Boy hits his head hard... hard enough to stop moving. Spotting the little girl Sadako, Zombie Vile “Vince” Viper starts to chase the small child around. Zombie Farmer Vincent throws Jonathan Smith back into the wall, but LEFT Tentacle pulls him off before the zombies can rip him up. Farmer Vincent slashes LEFT Tentacle across the chest, only to be knocked off with a closeline from Jonathan Smith. Sadako runs under the ring, with Zombie Vile “Vince” Viper hot on her heels. Zombie Farmer Vincent runs into LEFT Tentacle, only to have Jonathan Smith lift Vincent’s feet up... the Panar Leopard Express force Zombie Farmer Vincent into a spiked piledriver... the impact causes Zombie Farmer Vincent’s head to EXPLODE! Panar Leopard Express give each other a high five... stopping their celebration only when Sadako runs past in terror. Their gaze follows the little girl... not noticing Zombie VVV as he rips through them. Gushing blood, the two men slump down to the ground. VVV doesn’t even stop to eat them, as he’s hot on the little girl’s trail. Trapped. It was going so well too. Making a lasso out of the large intestine, Edgar Caspian throws his “rope” up in the air, hooking it on the top of the cage. Not liking his chances of staying on the ground with his mentor, Edgar Caspian starts to climb up the intestine... towards the top. Sadako jumps into her television set, where she proceeds to hide. Zombie VVV charges after her... running headfirst into the television. This changes the channel to “Annie” just as the title character starts singing tomorrow. #The Sun’ll Come Out# Shaking the pieces of glass out of his rotting face, Zombie VVV sniffs around for a moment, before his gaze catches Edgar Caspian dangling in the middle of the ring. #Tomorrow# Frantic, Edgar Caspian starts to pull up the large intestine, trying not to leave a trail behind him to climb up. #Bet your bottom dollar# The Zombie VVV jumps... catching the intestine just before its out of reach, and starts climbing. #That tomorrow# “The Perfect Gentleman” kicks down, trying to knock Viper form the intestine... again... and again... until he finally catches the old man on the chin. Viper bites into the boot, yanking it off Celine’s foot. Celine kicks down with his other boot, knocking Viper off. #There'll be sun!# Pulling up the slack, Edgar Caspian puts a few feet between him and the angry Viper Zombie. He doesn’t know how long he can hang on, but for now Caspian breathes a sigh of relief. #Just thinkin' about# On top of the cage, Feral Boy starts to chew through the intestine knot. Scanning this, Caspian can’t help but curse every god he knows of. #Tomorrow# What remains of Cher Nobyl starts to twitch back to life. #Clears away the cobwebs,# Bill Johnson’s arms try to push his head back onto his body. #And the sorrow# LEFT Tentacle breathing gets more and more shallow... then stops... and starts again. #'Til there's none!# “Bigamist” Jonathan Smith snarls, as his glazed eyes turn upwards towards Caspian. #When I'm stuck a day# One of Brian Calypso’s severed arms climbs up the cage... using a key to open the padlock on the cage. Caspian starts to cry. #That's gray,# Zombie Handy Andy crawls out from under the ring, yanking off pieces of board, tearing apart his craftsmanship. #And lonely,# Zombie Adrian Tanner is the first to enter the cage... he’s half-eaten through Cecil Kennedy, whose corpse dangles around his neck like some absolutely retarded bling. #I just stick out my chin# Zombie Six Demon Bag’s stomach has been wrenched off... he stumbles in, chewing on a piece of HERBICIDE. Everything he eats just falls through the hole in his abdomen. #And Grin,# Zombie Hardcore Hero has managed to get a pipe wrench lodged through his jaw... he tries to twist it, but the sadistic pleasure he got hurting himself is gone. He eyes Caspian’s brain hungrily. #And Say,# What’s left of Zombie RIGHT Tentacle has Upper Mouth draped over his shoulder... Zombie Lower Mouth crawls out from under the ring, trying to merge with his stablemates. The three of them might be tall enough to reach the helpless Perfect Gentleman. #Oh!# The rumbling of a plane can be heard circling over the arena... Caspian still has a prayer! If that awful Feral Boy - the only other person in the arena who isn’t a zombie - doesn’t chew through the intestine beforehand. #The sun'll come out# Zombie “Handsome” Henry looks at his reflection in a pool of blood... and plays with his hair, trying to come it over the hole where his brains used to be. #Tomorrow# Zombie Vile “Vince” Viper continues to jump up and down, feet away from dragging Caspian down. The old man is now joined by zombie Uncle Son of Sam, and zombie Bad Boy. Other prominent mob members are slowly starting to fill up the ring. #So ya gotta hang on# Caspian looks down at the hungry mouths of Zombie WereElephant, Zombie Kid Old Man Jenkins, and Zombie Sirius Man. Each looking a little uglier than the last... Caspian hopes they choke on him. #'Til tomorrow# The Zombie TREE from Poltergeist ducks down to enter into the cell... yeah, he can reach Celine. Zombie Franken Berry has already climbed him for first crack. God damn it. #Come what may# Feral Boy finally finishes chewing through the large intestine. #Tomorrow! Tomorrow!# Edgar Caspian seems almost serene, as he curses, falling backwards into the sea of angry zombies. #I love ya Tomorrow!# Feral Boy looks up from his meal of intestines to see a bomb fall through the ceiling. #You're always# The horde of zombies rip “The Perfect Gentleman” Edgar Caspian into a million pieces. The gore splashes up in the air, almost hitting Feral Boy on top of the cage. #A day# The bomb hits the cage. A bright flash vaporizes the arena, and every SWAT Backyard wrestler, living or dead in the processes. #A way!# Is this the end of SWAT: Backyard? God I hope so. ...But VVV lost a match. Reality no longer exists. You can never tell. Unless you like bad zombie films, this show gets my STRONGEST recommendation to avoid. Till next time, unfortunately. |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:48 PM Post #8 |
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Keith
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ONE YEAR LATER On the last S.W.A.T. Backyard show, following the collapse of reality, the bulk of the roster turned into zombies. The show ended with everyone on the roster dead, either torn to pieces by the undead or blown to pieces by an atomic bomb. Where do you go from there? How do you explain it? If you’re head writer Vile “Vince” Viper you don’t. Having put himself in a corner, Viper has decided to ignore the aftermath of his bad horror film... how does he do it? ONE YEAR LATER. A while back DC comics did a storyline in which all their comics jumped forwards a year... many with confused results. How did Two-face become Batman? Stuff like that. So how did we survive the zombie massacre? Who knows. ONE YEAR LATER! The date is 25/07/10.... even though it was shot on 25/07/09. To my knowledge Viper does NOT have a time machine, so this isn’t ACTUALLY the future... but the roster is pretending it is. So now we take a look into the future with S.W.A.T. in the year 2010. Our show is set in the middle of a carnival. Despite the cries of carnival barkers, the flashing lights of rides, and merriment of the crowd, a solemn FUTURE Vile “Vince” Viper stands in the ring. The rest of the S.W.A.T. Backyard roster stands behind him. A ten bell salute for a fallen star... FUTURE VVV: When Adrian Tanner Jr. ran over and killed 71 people on the highway... mostly nuns and orphans... I’d like to think it was the syphilis that forced him into that high speed pursuit. It was no shock to those that knew him, those that remembered all the young wrestlers he murdered in the early days of this promotion, will remember his mean streak. I think it was his career ending injury to me at S.W.A.T. Northeast’s Great Outdoor Fight... that finally pushed him over the edge, towards the cocaine, and diseased shemale hookers. Still, while the rest of the world, spits on his name... I remember the promising young star... not the mass murdering pervert. So it’s with pride, that tonight we hold the first annual, Adrian Tanner Jr. Memorial Cup! At the announcement of the Memorial Cup, Adrian Tanner Jr. (who is apparently not dead) rushes through the crowd and attacks VVV. The loyal Backyard roster, pull the drug addled killer off Vile. Adrian Tanner Jr.: Memorial Cup?! REALLY, VILE? YOU _REALLY_ needed to pull this!? FUTURE VVV <trying to think on his feet>: Um... hey... it’s... the GHOST of ADRIAN TANNER JR! Ghost of Adrian Tanner Jr.: I’m going to shove that Memorial Cup up your ass! FUTURE VVV: You can’t compete for your own memorial cup! Ghost of Adrian Tanner Jr.: Just watch me! Pulling himself away the mob, Adrian Tanner Jr. stomps off into the carnival crowd. A list has been posted of all the “current” champions here in the “future.” LEFT Tentacle is shocked to find that Jonathan Smith is now the ULTIMATE champion. How the hell did that happen? LEFT Tentacle reluctantly hands the ULTIMATE title over to Jonathan Smith, who apologizes... hoping he won the belt from someone else. There are a number of grumblings as other champions relinquish their belts. So, are all future shows set in the future, or will LEFT Tentacle once again be the ultimate champ? This seems like a lame way to bolster their title history, just in case the fed shuts down in a few days. S.W.A.T. Six Man Tag Title match Audrey 3 <c> vs. The Super Friends (Hardcore Hero, “Sexy Cowboy” Feral Boy, Ben “Sirius Man” Gibbons) Despite being a trios title, Audrey 2 is now made up of at least 20 wrestlers. Upper Mouth, Lower Mouth, and POT have been joined by BIG Tentacle, GIANT Tentacle, Two guys dressed as ROOTS, and a few dozen VINES. In between sniffing the ring for food, Feral Boy starts to saunter around like the “Sexy Cowboy” apparently having inherited the gimmick curse from Sirius Man. Sirius has lost his mask, but still uses the name --- attached to his real name. Hardcore Hero has a few dozen new scars in the last year. Since the jump in time is fake, Hero probably did those to himself the night before. Gross. As the bell rings, Sirius Man starts against Upper Mouth. BIG Tentacle pulls Hardcore Hero off the apron, where a dozen Vines pile on him. Upper Mouth takes Sirius over, so POT can jump in the ring with a double stomp, Lower Mouth then dives in with a dropkick to the face. Feral Boy snaps off his first “Sexy Cowboy” move, diving off the apron with a Lone Star Press that takes out a dozen VINES. ROOT #1 throws Hardcore Hero into a nearby bingo parlour. The joys of the carnival. The referee has all but given up on maintaining order, as Upper & Lower Mouth hold Sirius Man out for a SENTON from GIANT Tentacle. Hardcore Hero forces ROOT #1’s head into the bingo wheel, and starts spinning it. Upper & Lower Mouth hit Sirius with the “CHOMPENING,” before POT nails a double stomp for the cover... and 2 count. BIG Tentacle gorilla presses Feral Boy into the army of vines, who start to pull at his limbs, trying to draw and quarter the animal child. POT somehow manages to his a springboard STOMP... getting 2. The VINES toss Feral Boy up in the air, as GIANT Tentacle hits double axe-handle after double axe-handler trying to break the kid’s ribs. Grabbing a MASSIVE Mallet from a “Test your strength” game, Hardcore Hero brings the Mallet DOWN on GIANT Tentacle... causing him to explode like those creatures from tremors. The Vines look shocked. Hardcore Hero swings the mallet again, taking out five of the annoying bastards. The crowd go nuts, as Hero blindly swings the mallet around in the air... almost hitting many of his marks in the process. ...The blunt weapon is kind of heavy... and it doesn’t take Hero long to realize he’ll be overwhelmed by the VINES. Hardcore Hero runs... being chased by the VINES, who leave Feral Boy in a heap on the ground. ROOT # 2 continues to stomp away at the boy, while the actually three man team decimates his partner. Feral Boy suddenly reaches up... biting ROOT 2’s hand... ROOT #2 tries to knock Feral Boy off... but he can’t. Panicking, ROOT #2 starts to run around ringside trying to shake off the boy... as he nears Audrey 3’s corner... FERAL BOY puts the breaks on, pulling ROOT #2 into a Spinning Six Shooter. BIG Tentacle races forwards with a closeline, only to get pulled into “The Virginianizer!” Reaching through the ropes, Lower Mouth starts to choke Feral Boy... only to have the wild man start biting him too. Hiding in a shooting gallery, HARDCORE HERO uses a pellet gun to keep the angry mob at bay. Pellets don’t hurt much... so he aims for the eyes and crotches, much to everyone’s amusement. Upper Mouth turns to Lower Mouth, trying to help him get Feral Boy to stop biting. Left in a one on one setting, Sirius Man rolls out of the way of a POT senton... then takes POT’s head off with a lariat. Rebounding against the ropes, the blood covered Sirius Man dives into Upper & Lower Mouth with a hip attack. The force knocks Lower Mouth through the ropes, to Feral Boy’s sharp teeth. Upper Mouth spins around, only to get caught in Dog Star Driver. Sirius Man turns catching POT with a leg lariat... following through to run up the ropes... diving off with a Shooting Dog Star. The VINES start to notice what’s happening, and being to charge back to the ring... but it’s too late, as Sirius covers for the three count. Winner & *NEW* Champions: The Super Friends (HARDCORE HERO, “Sexy Cowboy” Feral Boy, and Ben “Sirius Man” Gibbons) Rating: ** ...it was a disjointed overbooked mess, but the 30 people involved somehow covered up one another’s shortcomings. Post-Match: The Vines look ready for blood, when HERO rejoins his colleagues with that massive mallet. The faces celebrate in the ring, while the Audrey 3 holds a funeral for GIANT Tentacle. Wandering the fair grounds, we come across Stefan Slain playing a game of ring toss for a bong shaped like a woman’s leg. I didn’t realize Slain was under contract... things are picking up for FUTURE Backyard. “Mad” Max Nolan wanders over... wishing him luck. The distraction causes Slain to miss the last toss. The Carney gives him a pocket knife as a runner up prize. If Slain wasn’t pissed off before with his little knife, he’s more livid when Nolan states... “Mad” Max Nolan: ...Call that a knife? This is a knife. The Aussie stereotype whips out a machete. This is about all the insult Slain can take, as he attacks Nolan with his little pocket knife. Stefan Slain vs. “Mad” MAX Nolan The two push through the crowd, as they have a knife fight. Slain ducks under machete swipe after machete swipe, stabbing away with his little pocket knife. Slashing Nolan’s hand, Slain forces the Aussie to drop the his machete, before dropkicking him into the ring toss game. Jumping up to his feet, Nolan throws a ring that catches Slain square in the face. Blood starts gushing out of the prince of pipe’s nose. Nolan throws another ring to distract Slain, before diving out of the game parlour with a “Attack Force Z” that takes Nolan off his feet. Both men bleeding heavily, “Mad” Max grabs a fistful of hair, dragging Slain towards the ring. Coming too, Slain slowly regains his footing, driving a series of forearms to Nolan’s back... then shoulder blocks him headfirst into a cotton candy vendor. Helping Nolan out of the machine, Slain immediately throws him back into it... sending Nolan’s face through the glass container. Cotton Candy starts streaming through the air. Grabbing a candy apple, Slain stabs Nolan in the forehead... the gooey Carmel trail looks like gore. Another stab gets the post into Nolan’s forehead. Grabbing a bag of popcorn, Nolan swings blindly, but Slain doesn’t sell popcorn. A fistful of glass gets a slightly better reaction, as Slain staggers back. Nolan starts to charge forwards with a Wallaby Wallop --- but Slain catches him, powerbombing Nolan through the cart! Getting up, Slain starts to kick the crap out of Nolan, grinding him into the glass. Feeling all the eyes on him, Slain looks around... shit... he has an audience. Realizing he’s now in the middle of a wrestling match, Slain drags Nolan’s bloody corpse to the ring. A snap suplex sends Nolan head first into the ring post, before Slain tosses him in. Entering, Slain starts to go for a tornado DDT... but Nolan turns it into his “Green Ants Dream” locking in the devastating sleeper. Slain struggles... looking to be on the verge of passing out... when he rolls backwards, into a makeshift school boy... for 3! Winner: Stefan Slain Rating: **1/2 Hiring REAL wrestlers? Never saw that twist coming. Post-Match: Slain feels Nolan held the sleeper on longer than he needed to, and sets about beating the crap out of him. Foster’s Beer Man suddenly runs in from the crowd with the BIG BOOT... Slain hits the crowd, as the Aussies give him dirty looks from the ring. “Handsome” Henry discovers at some point in the last year, he lost the belt to Six Demon Bag. That’s good. Then he discovers he’s being billed as “Hideous” Henry... that’s bad. Appalled, “Handsome” Henry asks VVV what the big idea is. Apparently a year of wrestling Six Demon Bag has made Henry horribly disfigured. No he isn’t. Yes he is. Henry gets visibly upset with Viper, threatening to leave the territory before the last year could happen. ...It gets confused. On a monitor Six Demon Bag watches footage from S.W.A.T. Backyard’s previous show “Yes Virginia, there is a Vile!” On it we see the Killer Elite make their triumphant return tarring and feathering the Six Demon Bag. ...Now shows that occurred between ZOMBIES and THIS, don’t actually exist... so they now have pretend shows to hype the current one. Yikes. ROLLER COASTER DEATH MATCH For the S.W.A.T. Jisatsu Title Six Demon Bag <c> vs. The Killer Elite (“Fucker” Chris Templeton & Monte Kingsley) So this is a revenge match, for an incident that didn’t happen (just staged for hype purposes). The match sees all three men on a roller coaster, with the last man on it, being declared a winner. Killer Elite are sitting in the back, while Six Demon is at the front. The rollercoaster slowly starts moving up... as the men start climbing from car to car towards each other. Monte Kingsley goes for a spinning heel kick, only to get shoved back into his seat. Chris Templeton fires off a forearm smash, and another, before Six Demon stabs him with a fork. Climbing further down, Six Demon kneels on Kingsley’s throat, while firing off Headless Demon Chops on Templeton. Not backing down, Templeton starts punching away... the two men brawling while Kingsley turns red. Templeton snaps off a Volcano Kneestrike which finally knocks Six Demon off Kingsley, then a double Volcano kneestrike to push him back. Six Demon stabs with his fork... only to have Kingsley knock it out of his hands. A Kingsley-CROSS almost knocks Six Demon off the rollercoaster. Their almost at the top of the coaster... Killer Elite start beating Six Demon to the front... trying to push him IN FRONT of the rollercoast, crush him. Kingsley has Six Demon’s head close to the track... then they reach the top. As the coaster goes barrelling down, all men are thrown backwards. Six Demon grabs a chair, Templeton lands a few compartments behind, while Kingsley almost falls out... hanging on for dear life off one side. Six Demon Bag stomps Kingsley’s hand, sending the younger Elite falling off the roller coaster. One Eliminated. Reaching the bottom of the ramp, the roller coaster slows down, moving towards another ascent. Six Demon bag hits the crooked walk... before him and Templeton are exchanging left after right. As they reach the top, both men sit down tight... that shit is dangerous. The roller coaster goes down... Templeton raises his arms, to fly with the rush, Six Demon Bag fires off another knife edge chop. Both men are jockeying over a headlock to push the other out, as they continue their descent... before slowing down again. Another ascent, and Templeton kicks Six Demon square in the face. Then Templeton throws a fireball into it. Slapping his mask, trying to put out the blaze, Six Demon gets dangerously close to falling out. Templeton tries to assist, using his stiff kneestrikes to try to knock Six Demon off. Pulling himself back in, Six Demon shrugs off a Tornado Bomb to hiptoss Templeton over... onto the track. With the rollercoaster slowly moving towards him, Templeton starts to push off against it, staying a few feet away from getting run over. Templeton tries to get back on, only to be Headless Demon Chopped off. Again... no. Templeton starts getting nervous as they reach the top... the rollercoaster starts barrelling forwards... Templeton tries to jump on, but undershoots... getting knocked off. Winner: Six Demon Bag Rating: ** ...awful wrestling, but good psychology built on a truly zany stipulation. Post-Match: Paramedics check on the Killer Elite, while fans climb on the rollercoaster to take a ride with the celebrating Six Demon Bag. A small child cries, accusing Carnival Worker Bob of ripping him off. Carnival Worker Bob laughs at the child, not even pretending he isn’t a cheat. Seeing this, all around nice-guy, Brian Calypso challenges the Carney to a wrestling match... even putting his North by Northwest championship on the line. North by Northwest Title Match Brian Calypso <c> vs. Sleazy Carnival Worker Bob Calypso hits the Carnival Worker with a lariat. Then pulls the sketchy Carney over with a Gutwrench suplex! A standing senton gets a 2 count. Calypso throws Bob into the corner with a belly-to-belly suplex... then charges into the corner with a twisting splash. Bob staggers out of the corner into the “How Low Can You Go” Neckbreaker for 3. Winner: Brian Calypso Rating: DUD Post-Match: Calypso takes the money away from Carnival Worker Bob, handing it back to the crying child. Calypso then wanders the crowd, posing with the little boy, while Bob contemplates new job gimmicks to add to his name. Vile “Vince” Viper rolls a his lottery wheel to discover tonight’s TWINSTAR tag challengers. Marduk the Magnificent seems delighted, when his name is called. He didn’t even know he wrestled for SWAT. His enthusiasm drops slightly, when his partner is announced as “The Perfect Gentleman” Edgar Caspian. S.W.A.T. TWINSTAR TAG TITLES CREEPS (The TREE from Poltergeist & Old Kid Old Man Jenkins) vs. Gentle Men (Marduk The Magnificent & “The Perfect Gentleman” Edgar Caspian Before the bell rings, OKOMJ hits Marduk in the face with his RAKE... drawing blood. Another rake shot knocks Marduk into the opposite corner, as TREE reaches in, choking the Magnificent One, and bringing those limbs down across his chest. A running RAKE shot, knocks marduk down for a 2 count. OKOMJ tags out to TREE, who stomps on Marduk, then drops a limb for 2. A double limb shot gets a near fall before Caspian breaks it up. JIP. Caspian runs around the ring with TREE chasing after him. JIP. Caspian ducks down, just as TREE goes for a running limb... knocking OKOMJ off the apron. Caspian starts to pull TREE over for a belly-to-back but can’t get him over... Marduk jumps into the ropes then dives off with a flying cross bodyblock... which helps Caspian hit his suplex. Marduk hangs on for a 3 count before Tree knows what hit him. Winners And *NEW* TWINSTAR CHAMPIONS: The Gentle Men Ratings: I don’t rate clip shows. This wouldn’t have been decent though, as the editing was clearly to protect TREE... the most choreographed wrestler I’ve ever seen. Post-Match: Edgar Caspian starts putting the boots to TREE, much to Marduk’s dismay. In the back of the bungee jump, the stars of SWAT-B are holding a wake for Adrian Tanner Jr. Adrian Tanner stomps around it, not caring for this charade or the entire roster playing along with it. Tanner gets more upset when every individual member takes turns badmouthing the “deceased.” “Bigamist” Jonathan Smith is taking one of his children for a ride on the tea cups, when he’s informed they need to be repaired. Handy Andy walks over looking for some work... when he recognizes Smith as brother-in-law Fred Baines. Jonathan Smith has no idea what Andy is talking about. Andy pulls out his wallet, showing Smith a picture of him posing with one of his wives and Andy. Not wanting his kid to hear... or to confirm Andy’s friendly disposition, Smith attacks the friendly handyman. S.W.A.T. ULTIMATE TITLE MATCH “The Bigamist” Jonathan Smith <c> vs. Handy Andy Smith throws Andy into the ringpost, then tosses him into the ring. Grabbing Andy’s hammer, Smith hits him in the head... over and over again... trying to make the handyman forget about him. Pulling off Handy Andy’s belt, Jonathan Smith starts to choke the handyman out with it. Grabbing a wrench from his belt, Andy starts swinging backwards, catching Smith in the jaw, and forcing him to let go. Jonathan Smith dives onto Andy with the “Long Business Trip” for 2.5. Then locks in the “On the Road” but Andy manages to struggle to the ropes for a break. Smith starts to go for the Family Man Buster, but Andy turns it into a “Off the clock,” for 2. Smith is the first up, hitting another “Long Business Trip” for 2. Then puts on a spinning STF... but Andy again gets to the ropes. Smith pulls Andy up for a miracle ecstasy bomb... which gets 2. A T-bone suplex also gets 2. A wheelbarrow suplex gets 2.9. Smith then tries to hit a belly-to-back suplex... but the back of his head lands on the wrench. With Smith completely out of it, Handy Andy rolls on a “Double Over Time,” holding on to nail the “Quitting Time” for 2.5. A “How’s Your Missus” gets 2.9. Smith counters with a lowblow, and starts to lift Andy up with the “On the Road,” only to have Andy reverse out of nowhere into a “Screw Job” for 3. (!) Winner and *NEW* Ultimate Champion <at least in the future>: Handy Andy Rating: ** ...nice spots, but this definitely didn’t have the fun factor that the LEFT Tentacle defences had. Post-match: Handy Andy helps Smith up, asking if he’s joining the family for dinner this week. Smith kicks Handy Andy in the crotch, before rejoining his child in the crowd. A video montage shows highlights in the career of the late Adrian Tanner Jr. We start off with images of him murdering SWATB wrestlers, before cutting to footage of world atrocities. Children starving in Africa, Nazis marching, piles of dead bodies in the killing fields... anything unpleasant that can be linked to Tanner. The S.W.A.T. 2010 Adrian Tanner Jr. Memorial Cup Future Vile “Vince” Viper vs. “Hideous” Henry vs. “La Blue Girl” LEFT Tentacle vs. WERElephant vs. Depression Era Farmer Vincent vs. Super HERBICIDE vs. Haemophiliac Masque vs. Human Replacement Guinea Pig vs. Bader Boy vs. Ghost of Adrian Tanner Jr. All the characters have been retooled to show the passage of “time.” It doesn’t work. Tanner gives Triple V the evil eye, planning on destroying the elderly albino in this match. With Viper acting as ring-general, all the wrestlers mob Tanner, kicking the crap out of the wrestler of the year. The one exception is “Hideous” Henry who confronts Viper about being stuck in the Jisatsu division. Whatever Viper jokes back, Henry doesn’t appreciate, as the long time sidekick bitch slaps the old man. Seconds later, the two are trading shot after shot. Bader Boy shoves SUPER HERBICIDE out of the way, so he can get better shots in, stomping Tanner to death... SUPER HERBICIDE doesn’t like this, as the alien gardener spits bug spray in Bader Boy’s face. Haemophiliac Masque is a masked wrestler who seems to be a haemophiliac, but doesn’t want you to guess his identity... because there are a lot of wrestlers with that particular condition. Masque suddenly sees blood on his arm, and unsure if it’s his or Tanner’s FREAKS OUT. “Hideous” Henry runs into Viper with lariat, with such force that both men fly over the top rope to the outside. Getting excited WERElephant TRAMPLES Tanner... then keeps TRAMPLING... ACCIDENTALLY HITTING Human Replacement Guinea Pig with the RAMPAGE. His heart not really in beating Tanner, “La Blue Girl” LEFT Tentacle turns his attention to Depression Era Farmer Vincent, pulling the monster from MOTEL HELL into a sizzling small package for 2. Viper and HENRY throw chairs at each other on the outside. LEFT Tentacle then yanks Vincent into his spinning abdominal stretch, only to have it broken up by WERElephant with the RAMPAGE. The numbers no longer against him, the bloody carcass of Adrian Tanner fires off a Revolver on Human Replacement Guinea Pig... for 1... 2... Haemophiliac Masque breaks up the pin. WERElephant TUSKS Haemophiliac Masque out of the ring. Tanner pulls WERElephant into La Majestral for 2. Viper and HENRY hit a double Satan’s strut on eachother. Bader Boy jack knife powerbombs Super HERBICIDE onto DEFVincent... HERBICIDE almost gets 2, before Bader Boy yanks him off. Adrian Tanner Jr. Leap frogs over a TUSK, right into a dropkick to the nuts by Guinea Pig. LEFT Tentacle drop toeholds the charging WERElephant into Farmer Vincent. Bader Boy handsprings off of WERElephant, nailing Tentacle in the face with an eye gouge. Getting up, WERElephant teardrop suplexes Farmer Vincent backwards into Bader Boy. Getting up Super HERBICIDE spits bug spray into WERElephant’s face. Super HERBICIDE ducks under a blind WERELephant forearm, then charges forwards pulling Human Guinea Pig into a victory roll for 2. HENRY backdrops Viper through a table! Covered in blood Haemophiliac Masque runs to the back. Grabbing Bader boy by the feet, LEFT Tentacle lifts him up... for the EVERYONE DIES GIANT SWING! Much to the crowd’s delight, HENRY starts to pull Viper into the Beautiful Dreamer. The swinging Bader Boy knocks SUPER Herbicide out of the ring, right into Henry knocking both out. Depression Era Farmer Vincent is the next to be knocked from the ring like a pinball. A hard Bader Boy shot knocks Human Guinea Pig’s head clean off. A Blind WERElephant charges forwards... LEFT Tentacle swings Bader into the beast, but it doesn’t stop the charge... WERElephant TUSKING LEFT Tentacle out of the ring. As the giant swing is interrupted, Bader Boy is also sent flying. WERElephant wipes his eyes clean, trying to regain his vision... just in time to see Adrian Tanner Jr. Nail the revolver. Outside the ring, VVV starts to crawl in to break it up... 1... 2... 3! ...Viper looks gutted. Winner: Your 2010 Adrian Tanner Memorial Cup winner, Adrian Tanner Jr.!!! Rating: A giant mess but fun none-the-less gets ***. Post-Match: Viper has a hissy fit on the outside, as Tanner destroys the Memorial Cup. Leaving the scrap of tin in the middle of the ring, Tanner exits, showboating for the crowd. What kind of monster wins his own memorial cup? In Conclusion: ...Despite the stupid future theme, this show has a lot more wrestlers than the usual groupings. It showed. None of the matches were stellar, but the few that sucked weren’t offensive... and this would be an easy recommendation... if the tape ended here. Included as a “bonus” on the DVD, is a second show. It’s not really a second show, it looks like it happened after Tanner and Henry left the carnival grounds... but regardless, Viper called a few audience members back to hold the following “show.” S.W.A.T. BACKYARD PRESENTS TWO YEARS LATER Set in 2011, Vile “Vince” Viper immediately announces the second annual Adrian Tanner Jr. Memorial Cup! This time without Tanner around to ruin it! Viper has invited twice as many wrestlers to take part, so this will be a real “event” unlike that shitty one from “last year.” The S.W.A.T. 2011 ADRIAN TANNER JR. MEMORIAL CUP Vile “Vince” Viper vs. Human Replacement Guinea Pig vs. “La Blue Girl” LEFT Tentacle vs. “The Bigamist” Jonathan Smith vs. “The Perfect Gentleman” Edgar Caspian vs. TREE (Poltergeist) vs. Older Regan O’Neil (Exorcist 2) vs. Farmer Vincent (Motel Hell) vs. Franken Berry (General Mills Cereal) vs. Uncle Son of Sam vs. Old Kid Old Man Jenkins vs. Goliath vs. Othello vs. Frank Scalpel vs. WERElephant vs. Older Junior (It’s Alive 2) vs. Audrey 3 (Little Shop of Horrors) vs. Bader Boy vs. Zombie Spud Boy vs. “Sexy Cowboy” Feral Boy vs. Ben “Sirius Man” Gibbons vs. Hardcore Hero vs. Handy Andy vs. DEATH Adder vs. “MAD” Max Nolan vs. Foster’s Beer Man vs. BIG BOOT vs. Arsenal vs. Six Demon Bag vs. “Fucker” Chris Templeton vs. Monte Kingsley vs. Haemophiliac Masque vs. Stefan Slain ...before half the entrant have come out, Vile “Vince” Viper cheap shots Human Guinea Pig with a Satan’s Strut The SWAT 2011 Adrian Tanner Jr. Memorial Cup Winner: Vile “Vince” Viper Rating: Negative -*** Post-match: Viper gives a long acceptance speech about how proud he is of the cup, and what a good friend Tanner was, despite what an embarrassment he’d become. ...The speech lasts a full 2 hours... but I don’t feel like transcribing it. Rest assured that it’s enough to take this promising show, and render it unwatchable. In Conclusion: AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Fuck Swat Backyard. The talent is promising, but certain people should never be given the book. |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:49 PM Post #9 |
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Keith
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We had reality collapse, then the apocalypse, and then traveled into the future. Will any of that be referenced on this show? Probably not. Continuity isn’t a strong point of this fed. Offensive angles, and mastrobatorial promos are the real strength. So with a questionable title, the masochist in me, puts in the next exciting episode of S.W.A.T. BACKYARD. S.W.A.T. BACKYARD Presents “THE WILD HUNT” Live! (not really) 08/02/?? (Possibly 2011... even though it was clearly taped 2009) From Jerry Calloway’s Backyard @ 55 Don Mills road Toronto, ON The ring has been set up in the backyard of a large apartment building, looking out over a forest. The larger lot allows for a significantly larger audience... a good 200 people standing around waiting for the show to start. Large families loiter around on their balconies looking down into the court. It gives the show a much larger feel than previous ones (including the never to be spoken of again ZOMBIES) and a good energy. LEFT Tentacle appears to be the S.W.A.T. Ultimate Champion, so we’re once again set in the present. The double crown champion seems to be working the crowd, when the S.W.A.T. Backyard promoter comes out. S.W.A.T. ULTIMATE TITLE MATCH “La Blue Girl” LEFT Tentacle <c> vs. Vile “Vince” Viper Viper goes for a Satan’s strut... only to have Tentacle duck under it, hooking on his patented Constrictor. Pulling an international object out of his tights, Viper stabs Tentacle in the forehead to force a break. Referee Dandy Johnson sees this obvious cheating and starts to call for the bell, looking to DQ Viper... so Viper stabs Johnson in the forehead as well. Turning back Viper is caught with the Slimy Clutch... which HITS! Tentacle pins Viper for what feels like a 20 count, before Dandy Johnson crawls over to make the count... 1... 2... Viper stabs Johnson again, then stabs Tentacle on his way back up. Tentacle starts to go for his sucker punch, only to have Viper throw a fireball in the kid’s face. As Tentacle starts to squirm around in pain, Viper busts him wide open with a CRESCENT MOON KILLER. Viper manipulates the unconscious Johnson’s arm for a three count. Winner and *NEW* Ultimate Champion: Vile “Vince” Viper Rating: _NEGATIVE_ -***** ...I was wondering how long before Viper HANDED himself that title. For all his shitty booking, I gave Viper credit for not handing himself EVERY title, and actually building younger talent like Tentacle. ...But LEFT Tentacle beat Viper for the tag titles... so I guess the old man needed revenge. Still, did he have to bury his only home grown draw? ...After the match, Viper kicks LEFT Tentacle out of the ring, before addressing the hostile crowd. Viper calls out his fellow WRESTLER OF THE YEAR, and current Arch nemesis, “The Arizona Assassin” Adrian Tanner Jr. ...then calls out the rest of the boys. The entire roster follows them out. “Bigamist” Jonathan Smith checking on his bloodied tag partner; gives Viper a dirty look. VVV: “I swear to be the BEST ULTIMATE CHAMPION in the history of SWAT! ...But I just realized we haven’t awarded _THE_ S.W.A.T.B. Heavyweight championship yet. Over the past month, many of you have turned heads... but no more than me... and no more than my tag partner, Adrian Tanner. So if we were going to have a match for the HEAVYWEIGHT title... Tanner would have to be in it. ...But who would his opponent be? Who here DESERVES that spot? If Adrian has his way at Northeast’s GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT... you’ll all be out of jobs. A title might help you get work elsewhere... who wants that? ...And who wants to show Tanner that for all the jokes, you WANT your jobs? ...So tonight, we’re going to have ourselves a WILD HUNT... track down your prey, make your own opportunities, take your own revenge, get your own kill. If you get pinned, knocked out, or just can’t continue, you’re eliminated... but a championship title to THE MAN WHO CAN PIN ADRIAN TANNER JR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...Adrian, we’ll give you a two minute head start.” Tanner gives a “what is this shit” look, and turns to leave... only to find a few dozen irritated looking wrestlers blocking his way. Wide eyed... Tanner slowly appreciates his situation. 24 hours before his big match with Viper... and he’s been put in a 30 to 1 handicap match. This could weaken him. Finding no way through the crowd, Tanner doubles back, running past the ring, towards the forest / valley. THE WILD HUNT Adrian Tanner vs. The Entire S.W.A.T. Backyard Roster Tanner frantically slides down a steep slope, down into the wooded valley. Maybe he can V-line to a highway... hitchhike out of this obscene federation. A man can dream. What sounds like blood hounds howl behind him. Not even waiting the second minute, Viper waves on his angry roster. Some of them seem uncomfortable with the situation, but others let out blood curdling screams ready for the hunt. All men race forwards, some faster than others, hoping to reach the target before the rest. ...Essentially leaving the ring, as they charge into the valley, abandoning the best audience this awful federation ever had. Half-way down the hill, leader of the pack, BADER Boy baseball slides into a running Tanner’s left leg! Adrian Tanner Jr. vs. BADER BOY The “Arizona Assassin” crumples to the ground in agony, allowing BADER to catch his footing on the side of the hill... not liking the balancing act, BADER mounts Tanner, peppering him with hard right hands. Reaching up, Tanner grabs the fist, twisting it into an armbar, which he uses to push BADER off. First to his feet, BADER spins around, going for a downhill dropkick, which Tanner easily sidesteps. Tanner catches BADER with a roaring elbow, which sets up THE SURESHOT... which looks awkward at that angle, but Referee Dandy Johnson pops up anyway... 1... 2... 3. BADER BOY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Tanner continues to walk along the steep slope trying to get away from his attackers, now with a noticeable limp. Sadly, due to the limp, Referee Dandy Johnson is able to run alongside him. A perpetual sour loser, when Bader Boy finally comes to he hollers out Tanner’s location. Charging down the hill at breakneck speeds, “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson overshoots Tanner and runs face first into a tree. “HAEMOPHILIAC” BILL JOHNSON HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Compassion his biggest weakness, Adrian Tanner checks on the bleeding haemophiliac, trying to apply a light dressing to the potentially fatally injured wrestler’s face. The thirty seconds it takes to try and save a man’s life, is all the time Farmer Vincent and Spud Boy need to catch up. Adrian Tanner Jr. vs. Farmer Vincent, & Spud Boy The Arizona Assassin sidesteps a lariat from Vincent, only to take a running elbow to the knee by Spud Boy. Spud Boy starts to go for The Potato Peeler, but Tanner shakes him off with a backbreaker. Farmer Vincent tries to run in with a kick, but Tanner slides under, letting the old movie monster kick Spud Boy. Behind Vincent, Adrian Tanner pulls the monstrous farmer into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker... 1... 2... Spud boy breaks it up. Spud Boy stomps away at Tanner’s injured left leg, before snapping off The Potato Peeler... for 1... before Vincent breaks it up. Vincent and Spud Boy get into a shoving fight, before Tanner buries a knee in SPUD’s back... sending the rookie into Vincent. The force knocks the old monster further down the hill, while leaving Spud in a daze... and perfect set-up for the Daytripper! Which seals the three count. SPUD BOY IS ELIMINATED! Farmer Vincent starts crawling up the hill, when Adrian Tanner jumps down on him with The Wake Up Call for another three count! FARMER VINCENT IS ELIMINATED! Wandering through the forest, Marduk the Magnificent almost stumbles to his death. A massive hole! Looking down, Marduk finds that the group known as AUDREY 3 along with Regan O’Neil (Exorcist) and Franken Berry are setting a trap for Tanner. Adrian Tanner WAS the wrestler of the year... it would be foolish to think that a couple of Indies without any formal training could beat him. Not relying on wrestling skills, these “three” have decided to dig a Tiger Pit. Not approving of this massive handicap match, and certainly not condoning foul play, Marduk removes the sinister trio’s ladder. AUDREY 3 screams up in anger, as Marduk puts the ladder away, trapping the devious wrestlers’ in their own giant tiger pit. AUDREY 3, REGAL O’NEIL, AND FRANKEN BERRY HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED. JIP! A belly-to-belly suplex sends Uncle Son of Sam headfirst into a tree, crushing his stove pipe hat! Rolling the broken old demonic visage of Uncle Sam over, Adrian Tanner hooks a leg for the three count! UNCLE SON OF SAM HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Pissed that his hat was destroyed, Uncle Son of Sam throws a fireball at Tanner... who ducks... only to have it set a tree on fire! Not again! Adrian Tanner Jr. starts to put out the fire, when something jumps out of the bushes. Adrian Tanner Jr. vs. Feral Boy Feral Boy immediately starts to bite Tanner’s injured left leg, drawing blood. Tanner resists the urge to scream, not wanting to alter other enemies, but does his damnest to shake Feral Boy loose. As Tanner hops around on one foot, pulling with all his might; Feral Boy bites harder, shredding muscles! Just when it looks like things are going Feral’s way, Tanner makes one more tug... sending them both falling backwards into a river. The water caries both men down it... At this point my DVD starts breaking up. Perhaps they raced the DVD production to make sure this show came out before the GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT finished? Who’s to say. Adrian Tanner Jr. ducks under WERElephant as the big man TUSKS Tree. WERElephant starts to trample various Australian characters like Mad Max Nolan. Dozens of images are shown, but they’re too choppy to properly call. The image finally comes clear as a blood soaked Adrian Tanner Jr. climbs back up onto a highway. A car starts to approach. Freedom! Tanner is overjoyed at the prospect of escape... only to dive out of the way as the car narrowly misses him. Pulling to a side, the doors open on the dodge viper to reveal more S.W.A.T. Backyard personal. Adrian Tanner Jr. vs. Vile “Vince” Viper, Junior (It’s ALIVE), Six Demon Bag, Edgar Caspian & Arsenal Tanner catches Arsenal with the Revolver... but before he can get the pin, Six Demon Bag breaks it up. The heels take turns stomping a hole in Tanner, working over his left leg. Six Demon Bag lifts Tanner up, as Vile starts to charge forwards for the Satan’s STRUT. Marduk the Magnificent jumps out of some shrubs, pulling Tanner out of the way. Vile “Vince” Viper NAILS Six Demon Bag with the STRUT. A barely conscious Tanner falls atop Six Demon for the 3 count. SIX DEMON BAG IS ELIMINATED. Annoyed at the gang beating interruption, VVV attacks Marduk with a crescent moon killer--- but Marduk grabs him, body slamming the old man into his car. Lifting the old man up, Marduk tombstone piledrives Vile through the sunroof of the car! Edgar Caspian hits Tanner with his Turtle Press... for 2. A Blackpool Driver gets 2, before Junior breaks up the pin. Edgar Caspian starts to roll around the ground, trying to strangle the mutant baby. Arsenal hits the T-BOMB on Tanner for a 2 count. Marduk snap suplexes Viper onto the hood of his car. Arsenal starts to go for the A-BOMB but Tanner reverses into the Sure Shot...1...2..3! ARSENAL HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! JUNIOR almost tears Edgar Caspian’s throat out. Taking a running start, Adrian Tanner punts the baby off the road back into the forest. He gets a lot of mileage. JUNIOR HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Tanner then standing frog splashes Caspian for a 2 count. Marduk the Magnificent lifts Viper high up... then gorilla presses him down the side of a cliff! VILE VINCE VIPER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Tanner lifts Caspian up for THE BEST DAMN SECONDARY FINISHER... only to have Caspian low-blow him. Edgar starts to go for the “Gentleman’s Purgative” only to have Tanner reverse it into a victory roll...1...2..3! EDGAR CASPIAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Marduk the Magnificent puts a hand on Tanner’s shoulder trying to help the SWAT ICON up to his feet... Tanner misinterprets the help as another attack... Adrian Tanner Jr. vs. Marduk the Magnificent The Arizona Assassin grabs the hand, pulling Marduk into a wristlock, then shoulderblocks up. Catching Marduk by surprise, Tanner pushes upwards, lifting the Good Samaritan up with a fireman’s carry... only to have his leg give out on him. Tanner slumps backwards, the large from of Marduk crashing down on top of him. Marduk hits his head on the pavement on the way down. Tanner struggles but can’t move the larger man. It’s anyone’s guess if the unconscious Marduk set out to win the Backyard heavyweight title... but with blood gushing out of his forehead, he’s in no position to break-up the makeshift pin. 1...2..3! ADRIAN TANNER JR. HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Your WINNER and *NEW* S.W.A.T. Backyard Champion: My Man Marduk!!! Rating: The match had heart, but DVD errors kept me from enjoying myself. Post-match: Vile pulls himself up the cliff, to see a referee handing Marduk the heavyweight championship. Marduk looks confused. Tanner looks pained. Vile looks livid! A few dozen guys that Marduk helped eliminate climb up the hill, looking for blood. The Wild Hunt never ends. In conclusion: The first match was foul. The secondary might have been good, but we’ll never know. Screw S.W.A.T. Screw it. |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:51 PM Post #10 |
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Keith
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THE ROAD TO THE MAIN EVENT Part 1 ********** “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” [...Adrian Tanner wakes up screaming. His TMNT sheets are drenched in sweat. The smell of mothballs. Tanner is still living at his Grandmothers, while fire inspectors clear him of arson charges on his own home. Living with his grandmother kind of ruins Tanner’s style; not to mention the horrible dreams he’s been having since he got here.] Adrian Tanner: ...S.W.A.T. Zombies... was it all a dream? [Yes. Yes it was. Or was it? Sure. No, that shit happened!] [JUMP CUT: Adrian Tanner has changed out of his pyjamas, and stomps downstairs. Breakfast smells good. Wandering into the kitchen, Tanner picks up some pop tarts and a glass of chocolate milk. He loves chilling at Grandmas...] Grandma May: Did you have a bad dream poopiekins? Adrian Tanner <wandering into living room>: Nah Grandma I just... #CRASH# [Adrian Tanner drops his glass of milk.] Grandma May: Adrian, what’s gotten into you? Adrian Tanner <pointing>: What’s HE doing here!? [Sitting next to Grandma May on the couch, is the wrinkled face of Vile “Vince” Viper. The king of snakes flashes his pearly yellows at Adrian, even as he wraps an arm around the back of the couch... the first move towards wrapping it around May.] Grandma May: Oh, your friend Vincent stopped in... concerned about you. Adrian Tanner: Grandma he’s... Vile “Vince” Viper: I was just telling your sister here <May giggles girlishly> how worried we were about you. [Reaching into his sleeve, Vile slowly pulls out a knife. Is he actually saying that he’d MURDER Adrian Tanner’s grandmother if Tanner ruined the charade? This is just like that issue of Amazing Spiderman where Venom brings Aunt May flowers... and Peter Parker can’t do shit about it. But... this isn’t a comic book... this is professional wrestling. Murder is too wrestlecrap, even by Viper’s standards! ...Then again, he _DID_ eat Tanner’s kidney. Deciding to err on the side of caution, Tanner decides to play along.] Adrian Tanner: ...Oh... that was nice of you... “Vince.” Vile “Vince” Viper <big fake smile>: Well, we know how hard you were taking it after the fire... I know I speak for all your friends, when I say if there’s anything I can do for you... Grandma May: Adrian honey, let me get that... [Viper hides the knife as May gets up, going to the kitchen to grab a broom. Stomping into the room, Adrian Tanner reaches down, grabbing Viper by the throat.] Adrian Tanner: What the hell are you doing here old man? Vile “Vince” Viper: ...Isss that any way to treat a guessst? You could throw me out... but what’sss to ssstop me from coming back here, and burning down THISSS houssse while the two of you are sssleeping? Adrian Tanner <practically choking Vile>: The fact that this is probably on camera... and highly illegal. Vile “Vince” Viper: HA! I’d just tell the copsss it wasss a wressstling angle. You think they’d believe you? [Tanner thinks about this for a moment... then grunting angrily, let’s go of Viper’s throat. Chuckling, Vile slowly straightens his tie. Grandma May enters with a broom, sweeping up the glass...] Grandma May: You boys playing nice? Vile “Vince” Viper <fiendish grin>: You know what we wrestlers are like. So much testosterone. It’s such a violent sport. I keep telling Adrian he should be doing something substantial with his life... like becoming a doctor or lawyer... he’s too good to be wrestling. Grandma May: I keep telling him the same thing! Vile “Vince” Viper: No! Grandma May: Just the other day... doctor or lawyer... my exact words! Vile “Vince” Viper: Great minds think alike! [Blushing, Grandma May takes the glass into the kitchen, Adrian Tanner IS GOING TO KILL VILE!] Adrian Tanner: ... what the _hell_ are you up to. Vile “Vince” Viper <deadpan>: ...Well, our little wager. I have over thirty wressstlersss currently in my employ. In thessse harsssh economic timesss, it’sss going to be hard for them to get work. Plusss, we’ve been putting out the bessst wressstling product in the hissstory of SSSWAT. I think it wasss frivolousss of me to agree to our wager ssso quickly. I mean, putting all their jobsss on the line. I don’t want SSS.W.A.T. Backyard to clossse... even if you hate me... it isssn’t fair to the LEFT Tentaclesss or Feral Boysss of the world. Adrian Tanner: ...So you want out of the bet? Vile “Vince” Viper: What are you crazy? I want the bet. I just want to IMPROVE my chancesss of winning. [Grandma May re-enters the room... Viper rises to greet her.] Grandma May: Ready to go? Vile “Vince” Viper: Whenever you are mademoiselle! Adrian Tanner <panicked>: wait... what’s going on here... Grandma May: Vincent is taking me jitterbugging! Adrian Tanner: You can’t... Vile “Vince” Viper: She seems pretty spry to me! [Grandma May continues to giggle and blush, as she goes through the closest for her coat.] Vile “Vince” Viper <flashing knife>: You’re welcome to join us Adrian. Adrian Tanner <staring at knife>: ...No... you have a great time. [As Grandma May wanders further from the dubious duo, the two lean in and whisper...] Adrian Tanner: What’s going on here? Vile “Vince” Viper: I’m dating your grandmother. Ssshe likesss me. Ssso we’re going on a date. The firssst of many between now and our match! I’m looking for victory... not to break old women’sss heartsss. You let me win, I let her down easssy... everyone livesss happily ever after. You sssomehow manage to DEFEAT ME... and I’ll ssshow her the night of her life. Adrian Tanner <looks like he’s going to throw up>: ... Vile “Vince” Viper: ...How long do you think her old ticker can lasssssssssst with my 24” python? I’m thinking a minute. What a great way to die. Ssso Adrian the choice isss yoursss... take a dive... or treat your Grandmother to the greatessst thirty sssecondsss of her life. A little bit of heaven... massssssive heart attack... then a lot of heaven. What do you think? Adrian Tanner: ...I’m... going... to... kill... you. [Grandma May re-enters the room...] Grandma May: Ready to go Vincent? Vile “Vince” Viper: Try and stop me! [The geriatric couple head towards the door... Adrian Tanner can’t move... he’s THAT pissed off. Before they step out the door Vile turns back...] Vile “Vince” Viper: Don’t wait up sport. [Grandma May continues to giggle. The door closes. Adrian Tanner contemplates suicide. That nightmare about S.W.A.T. Zombies... yeah... this is worse.] *********************** The ROAD to the MAIN EVENT part 2 *********** [Over the last two weeks, Adrian Tanner Jr. has bought more super glue than Psycho Goth buys lube in a day. ...That’s a lot of super glue. Still, 10,729 pieces later, Adrian Tanner Jr. skips down the street, holding a complete Soundy in his arms. He tanked his SATs, ruined a lot of good friendships, and turned down an opportunity to score with Megan Fox... not to mention allowing a sociopath to spend copious amounts of time with his grandmother... but it was worth it, Soundy is almost alive again. The sun is smiling, the birds are singing, and life is good. This dark chapter is almost over, and it all starts with the rebirth of Soundy. It worked for Optimus Prime...why the hell can’t it work for Soundy?] [...Adrian Tanner notices the flashing lights...] [Soundy drops to the ground, shattering into 13,815 pieces...] [The camera follows a frantic Adrian Tanner Jr. running up to his grandmother’s house. Fire engines, police cars, and ambulances are present... one of the officers tries to stop Tanner.] Adrian Tanner: My Grandmother... [The police officer eases his grip. EMTs push a gurney past Tanner, with a body bag on it.] Adrian Tanner: ...G...grandma... what... what happened? Firefighter: ...It was a heart attack. Adrian Tanner <fighting back tears>: Oh... no... NO... why... <snort> Did she suffer? Vile “Vince” Viper: Far from it. [A half-naked king of snakes steps out from behind the police cruiser... he’s wearing Grandma May’s robe... unable to find his pants. For what it’s worth Vile looks generally apologetic...] Adrian Tanner: ... Vile “Vince” Viper <pale as a ghost>: I tried to control myssself... but your grandmother was a hell of a woman. <starts to turn away, then stops> ...I guess you won’t want to take a dive now? [Running forwards, Adrian Tanner grabs Viper by the throat, pushing the old man into the hood of the cruiser while choking him out...] Vile “Vince” Viper: GAAAAAAK----------* [The firefighters and police men, rip the emotionally distraught Tanner off of Viper... it isn’t easy. Tanner is biting, and kicking, and screaming, at the geriatric Casanova. In the struggle, Grandma May’s body gets knocked off the stretcher. Tanner falls to his knees, broken. Vile rubs his sore throat...] Vile “Vince” Viper: ...would it help if I apologized? [Tanner lunges at the laughing monster again, this time knocking over the cameraman...] *CRASH* |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:57 PM Post #11 |
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Keith
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FROM THE SWAT NORTH EARTH "GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT" *************** LH: Well fans... it’s finally time for our main event. MY: The historic first, and no doubt last, encounter between two wrestlers of the year! LH: Not to mention a blood feud to end all blood feuds. MY: Vile “Vince” Viper tricked Adrian Tanner into donating a kidney, and then ate it! He burned down Tanner’s house; he created a region designed to mock Tanner’s love of SWAT! Viper reactivated Tanner’s prestigious Australian heavyweight title, and awarded it to himself! He orchestrated several accidents, then blamed the resulting deaths on our Arizona Assassin. He’s sent a number of Tanner’s closest friends into comas, and recently MURDERED Tanner’s grandmother. ...Through sex. LH: ...And perhaps worst of all, Viper SOLD Adrian Tanner’s cell phone number so Adrian had to speak to dozens of asshole fans. MY: ...The monster. LH: When you have to wrestlers of this calibre, you expect to see an unparallel technical classic... in this case; I expect nothing short of an execution. MY: Adrian Tanner is going to KILL TripleV! LH: ...And if he doesn’t, we have S.W.A.T. Backyard to deal with for the remainder of SWAT’s days. MY: ...good god. [We cut to the ring, where SWAT Backyard referee Dandy Johnson, straightens his tie. SWAT Backyard Announcer, Lucerio Villaini has decided to take over announcing duties... straightening his cheap pink tie, Villaini turns to the nearest camera...] Lucerio Villaini: LADIES... AND... GENTLEMEN... THIS... IS YOUR MAIN EVENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [MONSTER POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] Lucerio Villaini: WITH A ONE HOUR TIME LIMIT, IT IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL... AND IS FOR THE S.W.A.T. AUSTRALIA HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Conflicted pop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] Lucerio Villaini: Entering first... the challenger... Revolver Ocelot: Hold it right there, traitor. Let's find out just how lucky you are. [The SWAT-Tron lights up as spliced footage from Metal Gear Solid 3 plays on the screen. And those in attendance who know exactly what this means (And there are a lot of them) go insane with LOUD cheers.] (Ocelot reveals a bullet for his revolver. He loads the bullet) Ocelot: Watch closely. (takes out three revolvers) Ocelot: One of these three guns has a single bullet in it. I'm going to pull the trigger six times in a row. Are you ready? (Ocelot juggles the three guns. Each time he pulls a trigger, Sokolov winces. The fifth time a trigger is pulled, Sokolov pisses his pants) Ocelot: Looks like your luck hasn't run out yet. (The sixth time, the gun fires and the screen shatters into a million pieces as two words appears through the broken-ness. ....And then all the lights go out again.) Nancy Sinatra: “I shot you down, bang bang...” “You hit the ground... Bang, bang...” [Wait for it.] “I used to... shoot you down...” *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!* [A deafening explosion of pyro and flames explodes from all corners of the SWAT Northeast entrance area as “Die with your boots on” by Sonata Arctica” booms through the P.A. And out steps...] Lucerio Villaini: ...A D R I A N T A N N E R J R ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [Blow the roof off, if this wasn’t outdoor pop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] #Another prophet of disaster who says the ship is lost Another prophet of disaster leaving you to count the cost Taunting us with visions, afflicting us with fear Predicting war for millions in the hope that one appears# [SWAT Icon Adrian Tanner Jr steps through the fire and smoke, grinning as he looks around the cheering crowd. He is decked out in black denim pants and a black “SWAT - Tradition since ‘02' t-shirt. He starts walking down the ramp, slapping hands on both sides of the ecstatic crowd.] LH: I think it’s very telling that Viper insisted on coming out last. Having the SWAT ICON come out first... showing contempt to the bitter end. #No point asking when it is, no point asking who's to go No point asking what's the game, no point asking who's to blame# [Adrian makes his way down the ramp. He stops at the edge, in front of the ring, and grins again. He then lowers his head] #'Cos if you're gonna die...# #If you're gonna die....# #IF YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!# *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!* [Adrian throws his arms and head back, and another blinding explosion goes off from the stage behind him.] #If you're gonna die, die with your boots on, If you're gonna try, well stick around Gonna cry, just move along If you're gonna die, you're gonna die!# #13 the beast is rising, the Frenchman did surmise Through earthquakes and starvation, the warlord will arise Terror death destruction pour from the eastern sands But the truth of all predictions is always in your hands# [Adrian runs and slides into the ring. He pops up and runs up the opposite turnbuckle, giving his usual ‘gun salute.] Crowd: YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! #No point asking when it is, no point asking who's to go No point asking what's the game# [He runs to the opposing turnbuckle and does the same.] #If you're gonna die...# #Die with your boots on!# [With that, the song fades out. Adrian starts to work out against the ropes, waiting for his NEMESIS. Yeah, it would have fit the name of this past event. If only this had gone down on the last show. I wouldn’t have had to write all those backyard summary shows...] Lucerio Villaini: ...And the CHAMPION... coming to us from VASTLY SUPERIOR WRESTLING FEDERATIONS, HE IS NOT ONLY THE GREATEST STAR TO EVER GRACE SWAT’S RING, BUT ALSO THE PROMOTER OF THE GREATEST SWAT REGION... YOU GUESSED IT... V I L E V V I N C E V V V I I I P E R ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! #Die for the cause (*whispering*)# #Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!# #Yeaaaah.. motherfuuuucker!# [Adam F & M.O.P.’s “STAND CLEAR” starts to pump over the PA, at a volume designed to drown out the deafening heel pop your Australian champion receives.] [ Lil' Fame ] #Feel the First Family energy, alright# #Remember me? Lil' Fame raps niggas to tunes of Kenny G# #I compose the rugged, I woulda written yo' shit too# #But you ain't got enough money in your budget, dude fuck it# #Step up and get your whole band slaughtered# [The lights go out as a couple of red spot lights start searching through the crowd. Black confetti falls from the ceiling...] [Lil’ Fame] #You ain't got the raw plus you twenty gram shorter# #M.O.P. ban orders, I show you niggaz Faces Of Death# #manslaughter, liver than camcorder# #My salutants polluting this, quick to shoot a bitch# #I'm bugged like the Y2K computer glitch# #I bring the hardcore for soldiers that got war# #And the thugs in the crowd screaming 'YEAH WE LIKE IT RAW'# #All wacks'll get the best of it (right), give 'em the rest of it# #Saluting on tour, autographing bitches' breasteses# #It's the legendary M.O.P., we put it down everywhere we go# #But you don't hear me though!# [The red spotlights suddenly merge on the entrance, just as some white fireworks go off. Razor sharp finger nails tear through the backstage curtains, as Vile “Vince” MOTHER FUCKING Viper walks out into the arena. On a musical high note, Vile steps out into the red light, flashing his pearly yellows at the crowd.] [ Chorus ] #Stand clear.. notice ain't nothing but soldiers up in here# #Rhyme for the cause.. heavy metal shit, quick, grip settle it# #BITCH! Die for the cause..# [The crowd isn’t as seething negative towards the Panar Leopard Express, both “The Bigamist” Jonathan Smith, and LEFT Tentacle step out through the tattered curtains, having Viper’s back. The crowd want to cheer on the SWAT Backyard stars... enjoying their heart, but don’t care for the DAGGERS the two men are staring at Tanner in the ring. As Vile starts to march forwards, the Panar Leopards follow, soon joined by the rest of Audrey 2, then Six Demon bag, Edgar Caspian, Sirius Man, Hardcore Hero, YEAH BoyZ... with only a few exceptions, the entire SWAT Backyard roster wanders out. If this turns into a lumberjack match... all these misfit gimmicks HATE Adrian Tanner... the man who threatens their jobs.] LH: ...We seem to be joined by the entire Backyard roster. MY: Well, they have a lot riding on this match. [ Billy Danze ] #It's elementary, for a quarter of a century# #In and outta penitentiaries# #I survive, I am a survivor G# #Got more slick shit with me than MacGyver see# #I'm your rivalry, cousin ride with me# #I'm the international cat that you tryna be# #I am (REAL) {REAL} (REAL) {REAL} (REAL), yes awh# #When I'm in the G-men stanze, it's impossible to touch Danze# #I got a deranged temper, with a short fuse# #I don't know what you thought, but you gon' lose# #I'm bad news.. saying turn me loose# #Since Tupac got popped, who the fuck you think got the Juice?# #Bill Danze, [DO IT FOR YOUR PEOPLE]# #I got automatics [RACK] will fuck up your ego, in fact# #Claim turf, whenever the lama's quat# #We hold down Brownsville like the motherfucking Tomahawks# [The Backyarders are then joined by little people. Midgets dressed angels start to race down the aisle, some throwing out a red carpet, while others throw rose petals at the ground. Marks decked out in Triple V merchandise force their way past PAYING fans to be seen on camera with all that GREAT Vile Vince Viper merchandise. 3-V glasses? Can I get those through the website? As more fireworks go off, 32theV starts to saunter down, high fiving the occasional fan.] [ Chorus ] #Stand clear.. notice ain't nothing but soldiers up in here# #Rhyme for the cause.. heavy metal shit, quick, grip settle it# #BITCH! Die for the cause..# [More midgets, these dressed as SWAT legends start making their way out. Or at least what PASSES for “stars” in SWAT. See what I did there? A little person dressed as Sly Fondell, Jay St. Clair, Nick Collier, Jack Kross, Cornelius Marsh, Alice, The American Freebear, Stan Wilson, Dan Stein, Marty Donovan – though that’s a bit of a stretch – Syberius – worse still – hell, even Adrian Tanner is covered by a pint sized replica. SWATS more like SQUATS... these little person representations start to walk down the aisle in front of Vile...] [ Lil' Fame ] #Smack a moose upside ya head, like Kobe when he mack in his broads# #[IT'S] your maveranage# #Watch who you approach nigga, 'fore you get smoked nigga# #I'm O.G. in this game, coach nigga# [Suddenly the little SWAT figures throw themselves down on the red carpet, with Vile WALKING on top of them. You’re not sure how you feel about that... but you empathize with Lil’ Cornelius Marsh as TripleV steps square on his crotch marching along.] [Lil’ Fame] #Straight loc' nigga, what the fuck you thought?# #You get caught in the middle, tryna dribble on my court# #When niggas [ACT SWEET] this nigga [CLAP HEAT]# #Jack you when you wouldn't put your brains in the backseat# [It’s actually worse than the last time Vile decided to stomp on the SWAT Heroes, as he has his entire roster walking on them as well. Goliath is a big man. And Audrey 2 is like a dozen people. That isn’t fair. A few of the little people look dead.] [ Billy Danze ] #I'm a give you twenty-two seconds to explain to me# #Why the fuck you playing games with me# #Make a nigga dust off his automatic and bang what you thought kids# #[ IS IT REALLY BILLY DANZE? ] Who the fuck you think it is?# [A doc martin planted firmly on Pint Sized Nick Collier makes you want the wrestling LEGEND’s autograph a little less. Fortunately, there are DOZENS of fake fans with VVV merchandise to be signed. Vile walks back and forth over the mock tributes, as he signs one piece of merchandise after another.] [ Billy Danze ] #By the law of the street, the best way to track his ass# #Is to catch his ass [ ??? his ass ] and to jack his ass# #You ain't untouchable nigga for what it's worth# #I'm the greatest, grimiest, slimiest nigga on earth# [The SWAT Backyard roster starts to surround the ring. If Tanner wins this match, he’ll be torn to pieces. And his grandmother will be fucked to death. ...oh wait... one of those already happened.] [ Chorus ] #Stand clear.. notice ain't nothing but soldiers up in here# #Rhyme for the cause.. heavy metal shit, quick, grip settle it# #BITCH! Die for the cause..# [Running back to step on the midget Jay St. Claire a few more times, Vile realizes he runs the risk of ruining his OWN dramatic appearance, so quickly makes his way back to ringside. Hoping up the steel steps in sync with the music, Vile FINALLY climbs into the ring next to Adrian Tanner... setting off another barrage of fireworks. As if on cue, a few dozen marks in the audience SHOWER the ring in white and red streamers...] MY: Did he HAVE to wait the length of the song to get in the ring? I didn’t need to hear all those lyrics. LH: At least he didn’t have random videogames play out before reaching the “music.” MY: ...He thinks he does. I hear Viper gave the production crew a speed run of him beating Castlevania Symphony of the Night in four hours, that he THINKS was played before that entrance. But we pulled a fast one over on him. LH: Really? MY: That part only went out on our Spanish broadcast. LH: Dios mio... MY: Referee Dandy Johnson trying to pat Viper down for weapons, and VVV explaining that if this ends in a disqualification or countout... Johnson won’t leave the arena alive. I believe him. LH: Tanner waiting pensively against the ropes... wait, Viper pushing Johnson out of the way, and trying to attack before the bell------------------ ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MY: REVOLVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! DING! DING!!! DING!!!!!!!!!!!!! LH: OVER BEFORE IT STARTS? ADRIAN TANNER HOOKS THE LEG................. ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE?????????????????????????????????????????? MY: Kickout! But the message is clear, Tanner can pull off victory at any point, but he’s looking forwards to making Viper suffer. This is the payback. LH: A sore looking Vile fighting back up to his feet. That was a little too close for comfort... and more than one of the BACKYARD guys look nervous. Tanner moves in again------SATAN’S STRUT!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MY: Viper out of nowhere, and now with a fistful of tights... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE------------------------------------------------------- LH: Tanner with the big kickout! Viper pleased with the turnaround, but a little upset that didn’t finish our SWAT ICON off. Vile kneeling on Tanner’s left leg as he tries to pull himself up. Viper had the entire BACKYARD locker room work over Tanner’s notoriously bad legs on the last show. MY: Adrian shoves Viper off, cursing him out. An irate Viper, offering another free shot... telling Adrian to give it all he----- really no need to prompt the Arizona Assassin---- DAYTRIPPER!!! And there’s the cover... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE?????????????????????????????????????? LH: NO! Viper manages to get into the ropes. Spitting up blood, that superkick might have loosened a few teeth. Happy to indulge Viper in this psychotic game of Roshambo, Tanner kicks the old man, prompting him to hurry up for his turn! MY: ...They’re rather odd. LH: We knew it was going to be differe---------VILE DRIVER ’97!!!!!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MY: The cover is academic... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE--------------------------------------------------------- LH: Tanner gets a foot into the ropes. Both men still have too much steam in their engines to be put away, but at this rate that won’t last long. Viper bleeding from the mouth, and Tanner’s left eye really swelling up. MY: At this rate, they CAN’T last long... Tanner now with THE SURE SHOT, bridged into the pin... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE-------------------BIG KICKOUT! LH: The level of one-upmanship really coming to the forefront. These men REALLY HATE each other... Viper despising Tanner’s youth and success, Tanner not being a fan of Viper’s killing his grandmother through sex. ...You’d expect a bloody brawl, instead they go shot for shot. MY: Two wrestlers of the year, each wants to put the other down in convincing fashion. Now it’s Viper’s turn... boot to the midsection, sets up------------------- THE UWA SPECIAL!!! Tanner’s neck just BOUNCED off the canvas... and Viper with a hook of the legs... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE----------------------------------Tanner gets a shoulder up! LH: Viper cursing as he gets up... almost dreading taking that next finisher. As Tanner slowly gets up, he seems to be relishing Vile’s discomfort. [Vile spits black venom at Tanner’s feet, “GET ON WITH IT!” Without missing a beat, Tanner jumps into the ropes, and then dives off...] ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MY: ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT, AND THE COVER................ ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE------------------------------------------------------------------- THREE????????????????????????????????????????????????????? LH: The old man still has some kick left in him. Tanner now waiting patiently against the ropes, as Viper SLOWLY pulls himself upright... [Tanner awaits the hit, cursing, Vile waves him off for a second, as he catches his breath...] LH: ...Okay... and... here we go, Vile now charging in... METAL SKULL BREAKER III!!! MY: And here’s the pin... no wait... Viper going up top... I thought it was move for move? What a dick. Viper going up top... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! LH: There’s the... AIR VIPER!!!! And a fistful of tights... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE---------------------------------------------------- THREE??????????????????????????????????????????? [MONSTER POP!] MY: Tanner defiantly reaches out, grabbing the referee’s hand from making the three count. Viper slow to get off our ICON, and a frustrated and annoyed Adrian pushing the old man off the last of the way. [Jumping up to his feet, Tanner wonders “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” apparently not caring for Viper hitting two moves in a row. Viper claims senility, but it doesn’t look like Tanner’s buying it. The crowd are on their feet, hoping this is FINALLY going to turn wild brawl ugly. Trying to keep things friendly – despite murdering Tanner’s grandmother, through sex – Viper lays down in the corner, perfectly setting himself up for some high flying move. Shaking his head, Tanner takes this olive branch, climbing the rungs as flashbulbs go off throughout the arena, breathless anticipation for this high risk move.] LH: Viper laying down, setting himself up for something up top, and Tanner more than happy to oblige... here we go... here it is... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! LH: HI, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #THUD# LH: ... MY: ... LH: That son of a bitch rolled out of the way! [Cowardice taking hold, not wanting to be hit by the press, Vile rolls to one side, letting Tanner hit the canvas hard. Landing on his nose, Tanner starts to bleed profusely. Realizing that their gentlemanly roshambo has come to an end, Viper pulls Adrian around into a sharp shooter, leaning back on Adrian’s injured left leg.] MY: Viper now cranking on a sharp shooter... referee Dandy Johnson asks if Adrian submits... of course not. And while Johnson is distracted ---- VIPER REACHING OUT OF THE RING, GRABBING EDGAR CASPIAN’S HAND FOR ADDED LEVERAGE! LH: Come on ref, he’s blatantly cheating! MY: Where did they find this guy? LH: The head backyard official is about as professional as the wrestlers that make up that dive. [For some reason Tanner seems to be in more pain, whenever Dandy asks him how he’s doing. Realizing that something might be up, Johnson turns back to Viper... Vile lets go of Caspian and pleads innocence. Tanner reaches out; grabbing the ropes... but “Bigamist” Jonathan Smith quickly knocks his hand off. Sitting up, Viper pulls Tanner a little further away from the ropes before sitting back again. Johnson goes back to checking on Tanner, and Vile again grabs Caspian’s hands for leverage. These retarded Memphis heel tactics whip the crowd up to a fever pitch.] LH: Tanner fighting forwards... again grabs the ropes, only to have The Bigamist knock his hands off. ARE YOU BLIND REF? MY: I’ve enjoyed Tanner’s return, I really have... but it did introduce us to gimmicks like the Bigamist. I think he should have to answer for that. [Johnson starts to warn Smith to step back, while he does Vile reaches sideways, again yanking Caspian’s hand for leverage. This time Johnson sees it, and kicks their hands apart for the break. Vile turns to his idiot official, threatening the man’s job. While Viper is distracted, Tanner fights forwards... grabbing the bottom rope for all he’s worth. Smith tries to pull him off... even fires off a few forearm shots, to no avail. Tanner hangs on, and Johnson sees it... finally calling for the break.] LH: Tanner getting out of that sharp shooter, but the damage is done. MY: His knees were already in bad shape going into this match, thanks to his trials and tribulations over at Backyard. LH: The old cripple Viper definitely cutting down Tanner’s speed advantage. Now ripping the Arizona Assassin off the ropes... going for a Texas Cloverleaf---------- no, Tanner pushes through for a RANA... and hangs onto the legs... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY: BIG KICKOUT by Viper who looks less than pleased at that turn of events. LH: Both men up to their feet, and finally locking up... [Tanner steps out of the hold, placing Viper into a standing wristlock; Vile taps his arm, then spins it around into a wristlock of his own. Using his advantage, Triple V uses the wristlock to send Tanner into the ropes, then when he comes back, Vile grabs him around the midsection, into a waistlock. Tanner tries to go for an elbowsmash, but Viper ducks his head down sideways. Using the waistlock, Vile drags Tanner backwards towards the ropes. Then feeling that he has the proper ring positioning begins to attempt a waistlock suplex... trying to plant Tanner in the center of the ring. Just as Vile starts to hoist him up, Tanner connects with an elbowsmash breaking it...] LH: Chain wrestling? Well, I can’t think of anything that would hurt Tanner more than Viper out wrestling him... MY: That’s a pretty depressing prospect for anyone. Tanner breaking the suplex attempt with a strike. ... Now turning around, wait, Viper with a closeline... but Tanner ducks under it. [As Tanner gets behind the Aussie champ, he fires off a forearm to Vile’s back. Hitting a sore-spot from the previous BACKYARD show, the move causes Viper to tense his back muscles, exposing his arms. Hooking under the arms, Tanner pulls Vile over with a RELEASE full nelson suplex. The fans pop hard for the messed up looking throw. Vile somehow lands on his feet. As Tanner spins around, Triple V charges over with a kneelift, Tanner falls back, ducking under the BRUTAL looking strike.] MY: Viper with a kneelift, but finding nothing. DAMN. He could have taken his head off with that thing. LH: These men would like nothing more than to kill each other. It’s the shortest most intense feud in the history of wrestling. MY: Viper turning, and Tanner now in with a shining wizard~! [Vile touches his lip. Blood. A few flashbulbs go off expecting one of Tanner’s patented moves... but Vile just fires forwards with a STIFF forearm smash, catching Tanner on the shin as he fires in. Before the move can fully hit Vile, Tanner hits the ground, holding his leg in pain. Vile staggers back, but wasn’t hit hard enough knock him down, not wanting to give an INCH, he tries to put on a brave face.] MY: ELBOWSMASH... that’s one way to counter the wizard. Really nailing Tanner’s left leg... LH: Wanting to turn the SWAT ICON into a cripple like him... Viper with a running elbow, Tanner rolls out of the way, now both men back to their feet... and circling. [Reaching out, Vile starts to put Tanner in a wristlock, but the “Arizona Assassin” turns it around. Grimacing, Viper falls back, armdragging Tanner over. Tanner lands on his feet, dropping backwards as he starts to armdrag Viper in the opposite direction. Landing on his feet, and refusing to release the arm, Vile pulls Tanner into a hiptoss... but as he starts to throw him over, Tanner shoots his legs up, locking on a VICIOUS cross armbreaker...] LH: Tanner with the... JUJIGATAME!!!!! MY: ...He’s going to rip the old man’s arm off, a fraction of the retribution Viper deserves. LH: It’s over! MY: ...Where’s the damn bell? [Cringing, Vile starts to look around for his bearings. Centre of the ring. FUCK! Tanner twists back, further locking it in. Vile’s eyes roll back in agony, before a few flashbulbs to the eyes bring him back to earth. Gritting his teeth, the king of snakes slowly starts to muscle his way up to his feet. Tanner chooses the passive aggressive route, going slack, putting all his weight on Vile’s arm. Forcing a half-smirk through the punishment, Vile slowly gets up to his feet, using his weight to pin Tanner’s shoulders against the canvas...] LH: ...Viper fighting up for all he’s worth... Tanner’s shoulder’s against the mat... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO-----------------------Tanner rolls through. [Rather than let go of the hold, Tanner rolls over, dragging Viper with him. Hitting his back against the canvas hard, Vile looks around for a moment. Finding the armlock still applied, and his carcass once again against the ground, he can’t help but curse. ...Then fights his way up again.] LH: Again Viper up... shifting his weight... shoulders down... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO--------------------------------Tanner rolling through once again! MY: You have to believe that everytime he rolls; he’s tearing something in Viper’s shoulder. [As Tanner gets close to the ropes, HERBICIDE tries to reach into the ring to grab him. Tanner rolls away to another side. RIGHT Tentacle also reaches under the ropes, but referee Dandy Johnson kicks his hands away, warning the BACKYARD roster to stay the hell out of the ring. While Johnson berates the Audrey 2 crowd, Bad Boy slides in, and starts to choke Tanner out. Tanner bites Bad Boy’s arm, forcing the break, then rolls away again, to the center of the ring...] LH: Just outrageous! MY: Adrian Tanner being forced to take on the entire roster. Doing his best to keep away from the waiting grasps of Backyard wrestlers... LH: Still, Tanner managing to hold his own. Viper shifting his weight again... and forcing the shoulders down... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T-Tanner with the roll... and Viper manages to get to the ropes! [As Vile retracts his arm, trying to rub some feeling back into it, Tanner is quickly up to his feet. Holding his arm in pain, Vile starts to lean back against the ropes, but the breather is short lived. Moving in, the “Arizona Assassin” grabs Viper’s wrist... Irish whipping him into the far corner while charging into the direct opposite one. Flashbulbs start to go off, and chants start up, as Tanner jumps onto the top rope] MY: Viper sent into the corner HARD... and there’s Tanner off the top... LH: FALL FROM GRACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *FLASH BULBS* *FLASH BULBS* *FLASH BULBS* “S W A T !” “S W A T !” “S W A T !” “S W A T !” *FLASH BULBS* *FLASH BULBS* *FLASH BULBS* “S W A T !” “S W A T !” “S W A T !” “S W A T !” MY: THAT’S GOING TO LEAVE A MARK!!! [...] [Damn.] LH: VIPER SIDE STEPPING THE INSANE SHOOT STAR, CATCHING TANNER’S LEGS FOR A... ROLLING KNEEBREAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Cringing against the canvas, Tanner holds his left leg in agony, while Viper rubs his sore right arm against his aching back. Trying to capitalize, Vile reaches down, grabbing Tanner’s legs, then rolling him over for a Texas cloverleaf.] LH: Now Viper AGAIN going for that cloverleaf, working over that injured leg... MY: Tanner starting to crawl over to the ropes... but he’s too far away... no chance! Even if he does get out of that, the way Viper’s targeting that leg, Tanner will be moving like a senior citizen the rest of the match! LH: ...Wait... what is Viper doing... MY: ...this can’t be good. [Walking back, Vile lifts Tanner’s legs slightly, so he can reverse the hold, Tanner facing the lights at the expense of his spine. Still keeping the cloverleaf quasi-locked despite the new positioning, Vile starts to raise his arms even higher. Slowly, Tanner’s body, then his shoulders, then his head, are lifted up off the canvas with the strange leglock. Flashbulbs go off like crazy, as Vile switches to full-blown Japanese mode with some good old fashion head dropping...] LH: GANSO BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!! MY: No it wasn’t! LH: That’s what Vile calls it. He doesn’t know how to hit a ganso bomb, he doesn’t know what it is, but he sure likes trying to hit it! [As Tanner’s neck folds up like an accordion, his arms go limp. Laughing fiendishly, Vile gestures that he’s going to finish this. Lifting Tanner up, Vile leans the half-unconscious man against the ropes, then comes charging over...] MY: Vile running out of finishers to hit, busting out some 80’s offense, here comes the... COBRA STRIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [COBRA STRIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] LH: WAIT... Tanner catching Viper’s hand... [My COBRA... RETREAT!!!!!!] MY: WELCOME TO THE DESERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [GO JOE!] LH: Drive through~! MY: Tanner slumping forwards... there’s the hook, and the pin... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO POINT FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ISN’T AS DRAMATIC WHEN YOU WRITE OUT POINT FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE------------------------------------------------------ LH: 2.9 repeating... MY: I think I broke my calculator. [Hoisting Vile up on his shoulders, Tanner makes another gesture with his hands, then starts to back-up into the corner. As he starts to slowly climb the turnbuckles, rope after rope, he seems to suggest something else. I don’t like where this is going. Reaching the top, Tanner gestures for a...] LH: If there was any doubt that Tanner wanted to end Vile’s career, this will put it to rest... MY: Tanner calling for a SUPER REVOLVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [THE CONCEPT OF SUPER REVOLVER POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [Tanner starts to turn Viper around, when the old man fires off another elbowshot... and another... a light shove sends Tanner falling to the outside of the ring. Viper swoons forwards, into the ring. On the outside, the stars of S.W.A.T. Backyard start stomping the hell out of Adrian Tanner...] LH: Tanner on the outside, and the Backyard talent just sticking it to the SWAT ICON. They aren’t bad people, just bad wrestlers... and they’re desperate. There jobs on the line in this contest... MY: The fans throwing garbage at the Backyard workers. Viper has put them in an impossible situation. [As Feral Boy bites away at Tanner’s forehead, and WERElephant stomps a hole into him, ROSIE – Tanner’s GIANT ROBOT starts to move through the outdoor stadium closer to the ring. The few stars with any scruples, Marduk the Magnificent and Brian Calypso, shove the few wrestlers back, tossing Tanner back into the ring.] LH: Tanner is a bloody mess! MY: Tanner back in, and Vile going for his Constrictor... no, Tanner sidesteps it, whips Viper into the ropes... Vile comes back, Tanner leapfrogs over, Viper rebounds, sidesteps Tanner... Tanner now into the ropes----- TRIPPED BY HANDY ANDY! [Referee Dandy Johnson warns Handy A, who claims he’s just tightening the bottom rope. Turning Tanner kicks Andy away from the ropes. As Tanner turns back, Viper goes for the Satan’s strut, only to have Tanner twist it around into a wristlock...] MY: The king of snakes once again having that arm worked over, looks like he’s getting sick of all this counter wrestling... good, finally some blood. LH: Tanner working an armbar, as Viper reaches into his coat pocket... MY: HANDFUL OF SALT! [Tanner ducks under the salt... which catches Dandy Johnson square in the face. As the referee goes down blinded, the audience applaud Tanner’s ninja skillz. Silly fools! If the referee can’t see anything, Viper can get away with murder.] LH: BLACK VENOM! MY: Viper spitting that tar like substance in Tanner’s eyes! Low blow... another low blow! LH: Tanner staggering around blind, and Viper-----VIPER HAS A MORNING STAR?! MY: Who uses a morning star?! LH: I knew he was old, but did Viper really have to get medieval? #TWACK# ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! LH: Morning star shot sends the blinded Tanner to the outside, where vicious Backyard wrestlers wait. [No sooner has Tanner fallen out, than the BACKYARD Crew pull out various weapons of their own, chairs, tables, pitchforks, maces, short swords, +2 staffs, even a BIG BOOT and a RAKE... all going to town on the S.W.A.T. ICON. The cameras cut away to a long shot so you don’t get traumatized by the massive beating. Viper laughs his ass off in the ring. Less than amused is Rosie.] LH: JESUS! MY: WHAT A MASSACRE! #THUNK# #THUNK# #THUNK# [Could this GIANT ROBOT have appeared if this wasn’t an outdoor event? Hard to say... but Rosie bears down on the blood hungry S.W.A.T.B. gang. A giant metal kick sends HERBICIDE into orbit. Kneeling down the GIANT ROBOT almost crushes “Haemophiliac” Ben Johnson to death. Swiping his hand, the GIANT ROBOT knocks Audrey 2, the Panar Leopard Express, and YEAH Boyz into the crowd. Trying to get in as many shots as he can while the ROBOT is decimating the rest of the roster; Caspian brings his flail down on Tanner’s back again, and again, ripping open flesh. Caspian is so pleased with the brutal effects of his weapon, that he doesn’t notice ROSIE run off the last of the S.W.A.T. Backyardians. Turning up, Caspian almost feints, as he finds the GIANT ROBOT staring down at him.] #THUNK# LH: Rosie to the rescue. [Caspian starts to run around ringside, while the GIANT ROBOT effortlessly chases after him.] #THUNK#THUNK#THUNK#THUNK#THUNK#THUNK#THUNK# [Caspian almost trips over the bloody corpse of Adrian Tanner... getting upset; the “Perfect Gentleman” tosses Tanner into the ring. The wasted seconds cost Edgar, as Rosie boots him into the rafters.] MY: ...what did we just see? LH: I find it best not to think about it. [Who needs help? With the bloody carcus of Tanner making for easy prey, Vile starts to swing his morning star... over... and over... delighting at the sound it makes, metal whirling through the air, screams of S.W.A.T. fans in the crowd. Keep crying girls. Vile moves in for the deathblow...] LH: I can’t watch. MY: Here comes the deathblow... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! #SMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH# #CLINK# ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! LH: ...Is he dead? MY: ...He wishes he was. [Even for an albino, Vile is pale as a ghost. His morning star didn’t have the head crushing effect he’d hoped, bouncing off metal. Between him and his prey is a massive barrier. ROSIE has put its giant metal fish down into the ring, between Vile and his target. Stammering, the old man looks up at the pissed off GIANT ROBOT...] LH: ... MY: ... [Vile drops the morning star, gesturing that he’s going to play nice. Rosie slowly removes its hand, getting up to leave. As the fist is removed from the ring, the trampoline bounces... the impact causes a second morning star to fall out of Vile’s coat. ...And a knife. And a magnum. ...And a grenade. ...And a bazooka. Rosie turns around. Vile smiles, trying to ignore the deadly weapons falling out of his coat. A shotgun. An AK47. ...A snake. ...A crocodile. ...Some TNT. ...Fistful of black widow spiders. The vengeful ghost of Christmas past. ...and An Atomic bomb. ...It’s that last one that really get to Rosie.] LH: ...I don’t think the GIANT ROBOT trusts him. MY: ...So like people. [Grimacing, the GIANT ROBOT reaches down... Vile screams as the GIANT ROBOT eats him.] ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [Vile “Vince” Viper has been eaten by a giant robot.] ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [...YAY!] [All the crowd put on party hats, and start throwing confetti at one another, as the drinks get broken out. What a great time to be alive.] LH: Well, it looks like everything is wrapped up in a neat little package. [A blind Adrian Tanner staggers against the ropes...] Adrian Tanner: Adrian! [Tanner’s childhood sweetheart pushes through the ropes. Rather odd that they share the same name. What a narcissistic prick. With the money they got, they can finally get married... and move out of shitty Arizona! Question: Why did you ever leave Arizona? Answer: I found the bus. What a fairytale ending.] MY: Everyone deserves a happy ending I guess... even a S.W.A.T. ICON. [Tanner wipes the black tar out of his eyes, hugging the woman he loves, and staring up to the heavens. In the stars we see images of all Tanner’s dead loved ones: Grandma May, Soundy, That plant he didn’t water, All those SWAT wrestlers he killed, Brandon who never woke from his coma, Obi-wan, Cecil Kennedy --- who apparently died of aids, but he might not sell it in the future... all his dead friends are there wishing him well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IN62wqBdbxA] LH: What a great show... well fans I guess that’s it for the----- [The GIANT ROBOT suddenly doubles over... coughing up motor oil all over the crowd.] [...Tanner has a sinking feeling that all is not right with the force.] LH: ...Something wrong with the GIANT ROBOT? MY: A bad case of indigestion. [CUT TO: Inside the GIANT ROBOT.] [...This is a pretty complex robot. Adrian Tanner forgot just one thing... Vile “Vince” Viper (like batman) thinks of everything. Expecting the robotics expert to have his stupid, fucking, giant robot to help him, Vile came prepared. What’s the only thing that can protect you from a GIANT FUCKING ROBOT?] [Vile “Vince” Viper has the autobot matrix of power!] [Outside, Adrian Tanner charges up the spastic robot’s leg... diving down Rosie’s gullet. The cameraman follows after Tanner, sliding all the way. Tanner finds himself in a large room. Yup. Vile stands in the middle of it with that god damned matrix. As my ability to break character for the sake of comedic purposes takes over, Adrian Tanner dives on top of the old man... choking him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8vvbRovPO4] Adrian Tanner: ...First Sexy Cowboy... Then “Haemophiliac” Ben Johnson... and now you. It’s a pity you S.W.A.T. Backyard wrestlers die so easily... or I might have a sense of satisfaction now! [OH! I totally destroyed your character for the sake of a movie montage. How does that make you feel? As Vile pulls open the matrix of power, the purifying blue light knocks Adrian Tanner off of him.] #YOU’VE GOT THE TOUCH!# #YOU’VE GOT THE POOOOOOOOOOOOWER!!!!!!!# [The old man slowly gets up to his feet...] Optimus Prime: Arise... Vile “Vince” Viper! Vile “Vince” Viper <having a profound born again psychotic break>: ...optimussssss... #YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!# Adrian Tanner: No! [Pulling out his laser gun [!], Tanner blasts off a few shots... that bounce off Viper’s chest! One of the shots finally knocks the matrix out of the old man’s clawed hands.] Vile “Vince” Viper: Thisss isss the end of the road, Tanner! #AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE# #You’ve never walked, you’ve never run# #You’re a winner!!!!!# [Viper charges into Tanner, the two fighting over a waistlock, before Tanner finally decks the ancient cripple. Vile ducks another right hand, picking up Tanner with a gorilla press before throwing the Arizona Assassin through a wall!] #You got the moves, you know the streets# #Break the rules, take the heat# #You're nobody's fool# Vile “Vince” Viper: ...now... light... our... darkessst hour! #You're at your best when when the goin' gets rough# #You've been put to the test, but it's never enough# [Picking up the matrix, Vile poses in the middle of the room, before opening it... the blinding blue light cutting through this GIANT ROBOT’s insides.] #You got the touch# #You got the power# [Metal box things start to explode. And circular pillars that look oddly like bones...] #When all hell's breakin' loose# #You'll be riding the eye of the storm# [The central cortex grows green, then bursts apart!] #You got the heart# #You got the motion# [Outside, green light starts shooting out of Rosie’s breasts... or chest cavity if you prefer. Kind of an odd place to start the green light shooting out, but I’m just paying tribute to my childhood here.] #You know that when things get too tough# #You got the touch# [The GIANT Robot seems to be holding onto its left leg... green light is shooting out... then rips it off for some reason. Straight up, it looks like the leg is being ripped off, not kept on...] #You never bend, you never break# #You seem to know just what it takes# #You're a fighter# [Some of the other S.W.A.T. Backyard wrestlers: Max Nolan, Sirius Man, Human Guinea Pig, and Hardcore Hero are inside for some reason, using chairs to bat off screwy tentacle monsters. Not the good LEFT TENTACLE kind, but the bad ones with pincers. Your S.W.A.T. heroes knock back a few on their way out...] #It's in the blood, it's in the will# #It's in the mighty hands of steel# #When you're standin' your ground# “Handsome” Henry: Edgar, Six Demon! [A few of the S.W.A.T. heels roam around inside the Giant ROBOT’s feet, run up to the beautiful one.] Six Demon Bag: Henry! What’s going on? “Handsome” Henry: No time to answer that now... let’s get out of here! Edgar Caspian: LOOK! [The S.W.A.T. Backyard PLAYERS turn to find a heroic looking Vile “Vince” Viper running a few feet ahead of an explosion.] #And you never get hit when your back's to the wall# #Gonna fight to the end and you're takin' it all# Vile “Vince” Viper: SSS.W.A.T. Backyard... transssform and roll out! [The S.W.A.T. character exchange irritated looks, “transform?” Before Vile can lead them to freedom, an explosion sends him flying upwards...] #You got the touch# #You got the power# #When all hell's breakin' loose# #You'll be riding the eye of the storm# #You got the heart# #You got the motion# #You know that when things get too tough# #You got the touch# #You're fightin' fire with fire# #You know you got the touch# #You're at your best when when the road gets rough# #You've been put to the test, but it's never enough# [As the last of the S.W.A.T. Backyard guys make their escape... the GIANT ROBOT doubles over again, spilling more motor oil out on the crowd.] Giant Robot: ...Destiny... you cannot destroy... my... DESTINY!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [...The Giant Robot EXPLODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] #You got the touch# #You got the power# #You got the touch# #You got the power# [The S.W.A.T. Backyard guys start chanting “Till all are one!” ...Apparently hoping to be adopted by another region. The chant doesn’t catch on, as the crowd are beside themselves... what happened to Adrian Tanner? ...Did he die with his faithful robotic companion?] LH: ...Let’s never mention this again. MY: ...Mention what? [The head of Rosie floats around space...] [CUT TO: Interior Rosie’s head.] [A smoking Vile “Vince” Viper wipes soot off his snakeskin suit. Groaning in the corner is Adrian Tanner...] Adrian Tanner: ...ugh... Vile “Vince” Viper: ...Well... I guesssssss it’s up to usss to repopulate whatever planet we land on... [Vile drops his pants. Pulling himself out of the wall, Adrian Tanner grabs the largest, sharpest piece of metal he can find, intent on finally murdering the old man. Taken aback, Vile pulls up his trousers...] Vile “Vince” Viper <eyes narrow>: ...Let’sss do thisss. [The two men start charging towards each other... when the giant robot head shakes. Rosie’s disembodied head having crashed into a space ship. Viper and Tanner exchange concerned looks, before slowly walking over to one of the GIANT ROBOT’s eyes... staring through for a better look.] RULER: ...How goes our conquest of earth? [The cameraman looks over our hiding stars to find a large room... the aliens don’t seem to have noticed the giant robot’s head that crashed into their ship. Sitting behind a desk is their leader, interrogating two of his underlings...] Eros: We have started implementing Plan 9. Ruler: Plan 9? Ah, yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long distance electrodes shot into the pineal and pituitary gland of the recently dead. [A door slides open, as another alien marches in two of the subjects... ZOMBIE Adrian Tanner, and ZOMBIE Handsome Henry, who you might remember from that great S.W.A.T. Backyard show, S.W.A.T. Zombies... almost like I managed to tie everything together! The camera pulls back out to a nervous looking Adrian Tanner and Vile “Vince” Viper...] -------------LOST PART OF IT... blah. VVV & Tanner kill the aliens, and land back on earth where there's a show down, with both men running at each other with their finishers......... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 04:59 PM Post #12 |
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Keith
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From the RIck Owen Memorial Cup... The VVV MEMORIAL RUMBLE ************************************* Tucker: Well fans, I hear we’re seeing a lot of activity outside, which can only mean one thing... Fulton: The garbage that IS SWAT Backyard has converged on Kyle Field to bring down the quality of the product, disgracing the good name of Rick Owens, with the ill conceived Vile “Vince” Viper memorial cup! Tucker: Of course, even when SWAT organized an outdoor venue, they couldn’t coax the backyard contingent into the stadium, so we’re going to head out to the parking lot. Fulton: We are? Tucker: Well, a camera crew is... did you want to head outside to call it? Fulton: You couldn’t pay me... [Out in the parking lot, some SWAT fans have organized a tail gating party. Fans of North East and South West having drinking contests, while Midwest fans look out of place, and Texas fans mingle with all of them. Mixing in with the fans, are every low end, potentially dangerous INDY worker in North America. Not just the SWAT Backyard roster, but every low life who’s just itching for a Northeast contract. In between stealing the fans beer, the workers pull numbers out of a box... entrant order... there’s a ring in the middle of the parking lot. Looks like it might fall over. ...They know there order, but there is zero structure... who’s running this thing? A small shrine has been set up next to the ring for Vile “Vince” Viper. Oh right, the promoter died...] Voice: Excuse me... [All eyes turn to the Winnebago at ringside. Standing on top of the motor home is current SWAT BACKYARD heavyweight champion, and all around nice guy, Marduk the Magnificent. Next to him, Adrian Tanner’s sidekick Brandon is setting up a VCR to a flat screen television. Brandon hits play on the VHS tape, to show a countdown screen... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... yeah, that’ll work. Brandon gives Marduk the thumbs up, who proceeds to address the crowd with a bullhorn.] Marduk <sad smile>: Thank you all for coming... as you know my brother Vince passed away on the last Northeast show <lowering voice> ...saving the world from aliens, but losing backyard in the process... <boisterous again> his LAST wish was for us to run a royal rumble in his memory. He wanted to give the young men he’d come to love like children, ONE more chance to shine on a world stage. So tonight... for the Vile “Vince” Viper memorial cup, VACANT SWAT ultimate title, a cheque for ALL the money he owed the winner, and a contract with SWAT Northeast... we are going to RUMBLE! <yay!> ...And since no SWAT official wants to touch this with a ten foot pole, we might as well start without them... [Marduk sits down in a lawn chair, perfect view of the ring from the top of his motor home, the SWAT B heavyweight champion hangs onto his bullhorn so he can run commentary. Pulling out a blow horn, Brandon hits play on the VCR...] Marduk: Here we go... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] ![]() Marduk: ...and our first entrant is... AUDREY 2!!! [The wrestlers forming the upper and lower mouths jump up on the pot’s shoulders to stand above the crowd. GIANT Tentacle, RIGHT tentacle, and BIG tentacle, then proceed to hoist POT up in the air... forming a pyramid that stands a good twenty feet over the crowd. A dozen guys dressed as vines follow this hulking performance art tribute to the musical Little Shop of Horrors, shoving drunken fans out of the way. The eighteen man movie monster hops into the ring, which creeks under their weight.] Marduk: Not quite sure how Audrey 2 justifies entering as one person, instead of eighteen... wait... here come the roots... twenty men. We aren’t started yet, and already the ring is full to capacity. Still, not trying to take away, they’re all VERY TALENTED young men. I wouldn’t want to be their opponent... [Brandon hits the rewind button, waits a second, then hits play again...] 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [Moderately decent pop!] ![]() ![]() Marduk: Oh ho... Now there is a man with a lot of sordid history with Audrey 2, drawing the number 2, LEFT TENTACLE!!! [Also dressed as a giant slimy tentacle, the former SWAT Twinstar champion uses his suckers to slap a few hands on his way down to the ring.] Marduk: The former SWAT Ultimate champion was one of the breakout stars of the Backyard organization, and this TALENTED YOUNG MAN had to be considered a STRONG favourite, but drawing such an early number, against his arch nemesis no less? What are the odds! LEFT Tentacle started out his career as a member of the Audrey 2 collective, but won the Barry Malone memorial... standing out as a singles star while leaving his partners to wallow in mediocrity... RIGHT Tentacle: Will you shut up? [All the wrestlers, and large crowd, turn to the Winnebago... right... Marduk is using a bullhorn to call this, they can hear EVERYTHING. Before the audience can turn on your favourite announcer, Marduk pulls out a cowbell, ringing it frantically.] DING!DING!!DING!!! Marduk: And there’s the bell... LEFT Tentacle being surrounded by the vines, trash talking with the Upper and Lower mouth. Upper Mouth: Resistance is futile---------! [One of his fists shooting out of a sucker on the outfit, LEFT Tentacle SUCKER PUNCHES the Upper mouth, knocking one of the costume’s teeth out. Lower Mouth swings with a hard right, but LEFT Tentacle catches the fist, and falls back, pulling Lower Mouth forwards into the Roots. Jumping up to his feet, LEFT Tentacle turns to the camera with a cocky smile... it’s short lived as a dozen VINES jump on top of him, kicking the shit out of the Backyard rising star.] Marduk: Some valiant offense by Tentacle, but the numbers just weren’t with him... *BUMP* Marduk: What are you doing here? [The camera pans over to the Winnebago to find SWAT Midwest Superstar “Handsome” Henry setting up a lawn chair of his own. Sitting his perfect body down in it, Henry slowly pulls out a bull horn of his own, almost modelling it, before turning the obtrusively loud device towards Marduk – answering the question for all to hear.] Henry: Can you BELIEVE that Midwest didn’t send any representation for this show? How is it supposed to be a SUPERCARD if SWAT’s top draw isn’t working it? Marduk: Well... Midwest isn’t here for a reason... Henry <evidently unaware of the closure>: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Midwest should be here... well... not the rest of those losers... not Copycat... but a talent of my calibre deserves to be here. I don’t know who Rick Owen is, but I’d DARE SWAT to find a wrestler that could make the memorial cup look good holding it. Marduk: Why don’t you try to go for Vile’s Memorial Cup? Henry: And win a contract with Northeast... I’m loyal to destroying Midwest, thank you. Why aren’t you trying for Vile’s Memorial Cup? Marduk: Well, I already have a job. I’m enjoying my time over at Notorious wrestling... since I’m happily employed; I’m not going to steal the opportunity from one of these fine, good, talented young men. [LEFT Tentacle crawls out of the pile of ravenous Vines, who don’t seem to notice he’s gone. The vines continue to pile on top of one another, and pummel... someone. Taking a breather against the ropes, LEFT Tentacle hopes they fight amongst themselves for awhile before noticing him...] 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!] ![]() #3 - BIG BOOT [At the make-shift entranceway, one of the production assistants – Jimmy the Page – places BIG BOOT at the edge of the flimsy curtains. The inanimate object having drawn the third spot in this rumble, watches vacantly from the entrance.] Marduk: It looks like BIG BOOT is coming in at number three and LEFT Tentacle could use the help... Henry: Not that any of Audrey 2 have noticed him. Marduk: No. Here I thought BIG BOOT was just an inanimate object that happened to manage the DINGO EATING BABIES... but he’s trying to make it as a singles wrestler, and giving it his all. What a talented, ambitious piece of foot apparel... his never say die attitude can inspire us all! Henry: Get a room. Marduk: Hmm... Big Boot showing no signs of rushing down to the ring, perhaps my praise was too soon. LEFT Tentacle clearing that pile-up... reminds of a Japanese cartoon... never mind. Henry: Upper mouth barking orders at the Vines... also unaware of LEFT Tentacle BEING IN THE NORTHERN CORNER OF THE RING. [Paying attention to the bullhorn commentary, Upper Mouth nods to Henry for the assistance, while BIG Tentacle charges over at an annoyed looking LEFT Tentacle. Speaking forwards, LEFT Tentacle knocks BIG off his feet... grabbing the legs, LEFT Tentacle starts spinning...] Marduk: EVERYONE DIES GIANT SWING!!! Henry: So Left Tentacle only knows like... two wrestling holds? Marduk: But he does them well! The rest of Audrey 2 trying to rush LEFT Tentacle, but he bats them aside... using BIG Tentacle like a weapon! One of the ROOTS sent flying... and there’s the other! Henry: Now does LEFT Tentacle have to eliminate every member... or do the lesser parts even count as eliminations? Marduk: Well we have security walking them to the back------ and 2 VINES get sent flying! Security doing a good job of keeping the eliminated players out of the ring, impressively so given the questionable state of our “ringside.” Henry: I’m getting nauseous just watching them... Marduk: LEFT Tentacle does spin around with that Giant Swing more than any other wrestler... Henry: Yeah, I was talking about the spinning. Marduk: Another Vine knocked out... and LEFT Tentacle finally letting go... OUT GOES BIG TENTACLE, KNOCKING ANOTHER VINE WITH HIM!!! Henry: The former ULTIMATE champion whittling down the members of Audrey 2... but he still has a LONG way to go. [LEFT Tentacle looks dizzy from all the spinning...] [LEFT Tentacle starts to stagger over towards the ropes....] [LEFT Tentacle tries to support his weight against the top rope... but misses his step and starts to fall over!!!!!!] [...LEFT Tentacle falls back in!] Marduk: LEFT Tentacle almost falling out of the ring, that was a close one! No longer cowering away from the giant swing, the rest of Audrey 2 go back to their gang beating! BIG BOOT shows no signs of helping. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!! [BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [img] #4 - "Chief" John Razorback [The crowd jeer for the first Freelance worker, as offensive Native American gimmick, “Chief” John Razorback stalks out through the back...] Marduk: Well, he wasn’t a part of Backyard, but we should still give our Native American friend the warm welcome he deserves. Chances are coming out here at number 4, he’s not having the night he wanted. Still, a very talented young man who deserves our respect... Henry: Thank god for freelance wrestlers... do you have any idea how bad this match would be if we left it up to the Backyardians? Marduk: LARGE Tentacle has LEFT up in a torture rack, while Upper mouth kneels on top of LEFT’s lower regions. Things aren’t looking good for LEFT---------------JESUS! [.............] Henry: I did not expect that. Marduk: OOOHTHEHUMANITY!!!!!!!!! [Blood splatters into the crowd, as “Chief” John Razorback chops off Lower Mouth’s hair with a tomahawk. The rest of Audrey 2 look HORRIFIED, as Razorback holds the “scalp” high in the air for all to see. The psychotic monster gives the camera a disgustingly proud smile, before turning his evil eye to Lower mouth’s partners. Upper Mouth jumps off of LEFT Tentacle, that LARGE Tentacle quickly throws to the canvas...] Marduk: WHAT ON EARTH ARE WE SEEING? Henry: You know these bullhorns are pretty loud without you shouting into them. Marduk: The rest of Audrey 2 now turning their attention to the sadistic Razorback... charging him and... [Razorback tosses the shocked Lower Mouth over the rope, before greeting the charging Upper Mouth with a spinning elbow. A slash of the tomahawk keeps the remaining Vines at bay, before Razorback turns the blade on LARGE Tentacle. A back kick knocks Lower Mouth to the canvas, before Razorback reaches forwards, grabbing a tough of LARGE Tentacle’s costume/hair... in a single fluid motion the “Chief” scalps LARGE tentacle as well. Blood drenches the monstrous Native American.] Marduk: This is horrific! Henry: Forearm smash knocks a SHOCKED LARGE Tentacle out of the ring. The vines trying to sneak up from behind, but Razorback too fast! Marduk: Razorback taking out one of the Vines with a closeline, and jumping on top of Upper Mouth, ready to go to work. One of the Vines coming to his aid... eye gouge knocked them off, and another, swatted aside with a headbutt! [LEFT Tentacle slowly wakes up... man... he feels like he’s been hit by a bus. Wonder who won the match... wait... it’s still going on... and if LEFT isn’t mistaken, he’s still in it. Wow... that was a spot of luck. LEFT Tentacle looks up just as “Chief” John Razorback chops off the top of Upper Mouth’s costume/hair... blood shoots forwards, covering a scared LEFT Tentacle.] Henry: I’m really glad I’m not involved in this match. Marduk: A belly-to-back suplex eliminates Upper Mouth in short order, can we get some medics out here?! 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!! [BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!] [url]#5 - She Ra Princess of Power's KOWL [The crowd wants to disappear as the second freelancer shows up out of the makeshift “backstage.” It’s nothing against KOWL but the fans didn’t like She Ra Princess of Power in the first place...] Marduk: The Vines running away as “Chief” John Razorback chases them around the ring with his tomahawk. What a beast! Drawing number five is KOWL... who may look like a reject from an eighties children’s cartoon, but don’t let that fool you... he’s a very talented young man... Henry: You said the same thing about Razorback! Marduk: ...I mean well. [Kowl has barely entered the ring, when Razorback scalps the Hasbro Hero... to a thunderous ovation from the jaded crowd. Grabbing the bloody pink thing, Razorback heaves it out of the ring into the audience, who tear the critter apart.] Henry: Kowl getting eliminated in record time! [Razorback charges towards some Vines who quickly jump out over the top rope to avoid mutilation. One Vine remains. LEFT Tentacle tries to stay as far away from Razorback as possible, but notices how empty the ring is feeling. Back peddling, LEFT Tentacle staggers into a cowering RIGHT Tentacle... his former partner. The two men look at each other for a moment, then exchange a nod...] Marduk: A chokeslam sends the last VINE flying... and... what’s this? It looks like LEFT Tentacle is reuniting with RIGHT Tentacle... these two were the best of friends before LEFT’s singles success. Could they put aside their bitter rivalry to get the job done? Henry: HA! Not likely. Marduk: Could even Razorback stand up to their combined might?! NO! Together they can do anything... and there they are, charging forwards, growing as people... DOUBLE CLOSELINE!!! [...] Henry: No sold! [Well, the audience was behind it for half a second.] RIGHT Tentacle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Marduk: ...Right Tentacle SCALPED by the Chief. [LEFT Tentacle tries to pull Razorback off his friend, only to get knocked down vicious headbutt. “Chief” John Razorback goes to work, hacking off the last of the costume/hair, before using his free arm to hoist RIGHT Tentacle out of the ring.] Marduk: The last of Audrey 2 has been eliminated! LEFT Tentacle bleeding from the nose, and worse still, left in the ring ALONE with that brute. [Razorback flashes Marduk a dirty look, not caring for his descriptive, before turning his attention towards LEFT Tentacle. Tentacle tears up, looking at the state of his former friend on the floor... balling up a sucker, LEFT gets back up on his feet. As Razorback moves in for the kill, the VCR starts its countdown once more...] 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!] [url]#6 - "Bigamist" Jonathan Smith [A loud mixed reaction accompanies the other half of the Panar Leopard Express, “Bigamist” Jonathan Smith. The bigamist reaches down, picking up BIG BOOT, before racing down the aisle. In the ring, “Chief” John Razorback breaks LEFT Tentacle’s nose with a knife edge chop, before pulling him into a headlock... Razorback slowly raises his tomahawk.] Marduk: I can’t watch-----------JONATHAN SMITH SWINGING BIG BOOT KNOCKS THE TOMAHAWK OUT OF RAZORBACK’S HAND!!!!!! Even if you don’t like his life choices, and find them reprehensible, you have to give it up for the Bigamist, a talented man putting Razorback in his place! Henry: Smith? This is BIG BOOT’s show. [The Bigamist brings the boot down into Razorback’s face, forcing the monster to let go of Tentacle. Another BOOT SMASH is no sold, as Razorback knocks Smith off with a headbutt. Diving backwards, Razorback reaches out for his tomahawk... falling just short, as LEFT Tentacle hangs onto his leg.] Marduk: Razorback scrambling for his weapon, but Tentacle keeping him at bay... stiff kick knocks Tentacle off, as the Chief again goes for his deadly weapon. Henry: Razorback has it--------no, Smith with that BIG BOOT knocking it out of Razorback’s hand, this time sending it out into the crowd! What a great souvenir for some lucky fan... Marduk: Smith charging forwards with BIG BOOT, but Razorback rolls under... TAKES TENTACLE’s head off with a closeline... jumps into the ropes... rebounds off... springboard kneedrop-----NO! Smith catches him with a dropkick! Razorback sent flying... no... caught his balance! [The Panar Leopard Express join hands, running forwards with a double closeline... which is no sold! Left Tentacle tries to get under Razorback, only to get knocked off with a kneelift. Smith tries to go for a hiptoss, only to get battered back with a elbowsmash. Another elbowsmash keeps Tentacle off... and another for Smith... Tentacle... Smith...] Marduk: Razorback fighting away from the ropes, batting off his competition... Henry: Smith tosses BIG BOOT at him! Marduk: Razorback CATCHES Big Boot-------------DOUBLE DROPKICK!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [The crowd explodes as Smith and Tentacle double dropkick the boot straight into Razorback’s face, the force sending the racist character falling backwards over the top rope.] Marduk: CHIEF JOHN RAZORBACK HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!! Henry: ...and he took Big Boot with him. Marduk: Heroic sacrifice by Boot helped SWAT Backyard’s favourite tag team take the monster out! [Incensed, Razorback RIPS Big Boot in half... can I get a Big Boot Memorial royal rumble?! Jumping up on the apron, The Chief tries to re-enter, only to be dragged down by security. Razorback punches a few, but is finally overwhelmed by the numbers, security escorting him away from the ring. Rather than wrestle, Smith and Tentacle just watch the outside talent being led away...] Marduk: Ever the poor sport, we can only hope that the other freelance talent conduct themselves in a more professional manner. Henry: <snort> VCR: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [url]#7 - Bad Boy [The crowd jeer as Bad Boy steps out of the back. The leader of YEAH Boyz sneers, evidently livid at his early number... why do bad things happen to good people? Someone throws a bottle at the contemptuous heel, who catches it and promptly throws it back. The bottle shatters as it hits the little girl’s face. Bad Boy seems pleased with himself... then looks in the ring... two against one... and they don’t seem as amused at the girl being assaulted. Damn.] Marduk: BAD BOY is out next... alone in the ring with the former tag champions, you can’t like his odds. ...But if anyone can do it, it’s this FINE, TALENTED, YOUNG MAN! Henry: Oh sure, against these two morons, Bad Boy won’t break a sweat! Marduk: ...But taking his sweet time making it down the aisle... wait... what is RAZORBACK doing? [Up on the makeshift ramp, “Chief” John Razorback starts to do a RAIN DANCE!] Marduk: What a sore sport! He doesn’t win, so he tries to make it rain... wait... we’re in an outdoor venue! SOMEBODY STOP HIM! [...] Henry: I think Big Boot’s on it. [ZOOM IN: BIG BOOT lying in pieces...] Marduk: Do you think he can make it in time? [THUNDERCLAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [LIGHTNING FLASHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [...here comes the rain.] Marduk: No! ...We need to cover up the camera equipment, we aren’t set-up for this... we’ll send it back inside, and be back shortly fans... [Our last shot sees Bad Boy finally enter the ring, tossing salt in Jonathan Smith’s face, before charging at Tentacle...] |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 05:00 PM Post #13 |
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Keith
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[Meanwhile... outside... it’s still raining.] [The tree from Poltergeist has caught fire! Flaming branches swing blindly, trying to murder the men in the ring. Jonathan Smith leapfrogs over one branch, while LEFT Tentacle rolls under the other. The other flaming branch sweeps across the ring, LEFT Tentacle matrixes under it, while Jonathan Smith jumps into the ropes... rebounding with a dropkick to the trunk.] Marduk: The Panar Leopard Express have made short work out of the bulk of the participants, the former SWAT Twinstar champions utilizing impressive tag work to keep on top of the numbers... but the Tree from Poltergeist is just too big! Henry: Would you say he’s ROOTED in the ring? Marduk: That’s awful. Henry: The Tree even more dangerous since being set on fire by “Obscene Octopus” Taka Kitano, currently cowering the corner. Can’t go wrong with that game plan... [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!] BULL HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ![]() #45 – Foster’s Beer Man Marduk: And here comes our twenty second entry, everyone’s favourite Aussie, Foster’s Beer Man! I don’t care for his promoting alcohol in this family entertainment format, but you can’t take away from his amazing talent. Henry: Wanting no part of the giant flaming tree... <aside> It’s on fire, not gay... <back> Foster’s Beer man immediately goes after Taka Kitano. Marduk: The Obscene Octopus using ALL of his eight arms to hang onto the top rope. Henry: If you got ‘em, flaunt ‘em. Marduk: TREE using some overhand Mongolian chops, bringing that flaming branch to the mat, but the Panar Leopards are on a mission! Amazing that LEFT Tentacle is still in this... Henry: Foster’s Beer Man can’t pry Kitano off the ropes... now asking the audience for... beer, of course. [Audience members throw Foster’s Beers to FBM, who happily opens the cans with his teeth before pouring the contents down into Kitano’s face. One. Two. Three. Four. As some beer pours up Kitano’s nose, he finally starts gasping for breathe... but he’s not letting go of those ropes. Still, mouth open, FBM starts pouring more beers down...] Marduk: The Panar Leopard Express duck under a double FLAMING CLOSELINE!!! Into the ropes, springboard crossbody by Jonathan Smith, and the Bigamist knocks Tree back into the ropes... Tree leaning back... [As Smith falls back into the ring, LEFT Tentacle grabs one of TREE’s roots... lifting... the tree flails its arms, leaning further out of the ring, but trying to stay in. Climbing up to the top rope, Jonathan Smith dives to the outside with a legdrop-----------------] Marduk: Jonathan Smith to the outside.... legdrop... CATCHES TREE... Smith lands on the apron, and TREE SENT CRASHING TO THE--------------------- [The giant flaming tree falls into Marduk’s production Winnebago.] Henry: MOTHERF*********** [The audio cuts out for a few seconds, before the flaming tree falls off the Winnebago to the ground. The rain is doing little to dampen the blaze. A few fires remain around the vehicle, a few dangerously close to cables, and generators...] Marduk: We may have a few technical problems folks... Henry: Jesus! Marduk: Still, the Panar Leopard Express managing to eliminate the Tree from Poltergeist... still, a talented movie monster like that isn’t going to be hurting for work. ![]() [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BULL HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #46 – WereELEPHANT [The audience start throwing trash, as the beast formerly known as Elephant’s HEAD charges out of the back. Trunk swinging from side to side, WereELEPHANT bats the garbage away with his tusks as he stomps down towards the ring.] Marduk: ...A seventh beer gets Taka Kitano intoxicated enough to let go of those ropes, and the Panar Leopard Express trying to help Foster’s Beer Man to dump him... NO. Foster’s Beer Man knocking Jonathan Smith off of Kitano with a hard right. Henry: Who can blame him? Once they get rid of Taka, who do you think the Panar Leopard Express are going after next? Marduk: Flames rising, can we get a fire extinguisher or something? ...Maybe a paramedic for Tree? [No sooner has Smith been knocked down; then LEFT Tentacle pounces on Foster’s Beer Man, the two trading shots. Taka Kitano slumps to the canvas, hiccupping in a drunken stupor. The two men are too wrapped up in brawling to notice the massive WereELEPHANT climb over the top rope...] Marduk: LEFT Tentacle knocking Foster’s Beer Man down with a SUCKER punch. HERE COMES WERELEPHANT-------LOOK OUT TENTACLE! [Werelephant comes barrelling forwards with the TUSK... when Jonathan Smith pushes his partner out of the way.] Henry: TUSK! TUSK! TUSK!!!!!!!!!!!!! [MONSTER HEEL POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] Marduk: The Bigamist pushing his protégé out of the ring, but taking the full impact of that tusk, is sent FLYING out of the ring! Jonathan Smith HAS been eliminated! Henry: There goes the Panar Leopard Express’s reign of terror. Good riddance. [Without missing a beat, WereELPHANT stomps over to Taka Kitano, stomping the hell out of the inebriated star. The flames continue to crawl up the production home camper. A camera out in the crowd, finds Jonathan Smith a good thirty feet from the ring, clutching his bloody abdomen, punctured by that stupid TUSK. Having been pushed into Foster’s Beer Man, LEFT Tentacle now finds FBM choking him against the canvas...] [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] ![]() #47 – “Mad” MAX Nolan! Marduk: ...And here comes the third member of the Dingo Eating Babies! That Aussie sensation, Max Nolan, whose been setting the land down under on fire for years... if anyone from another country can win it, it’s this extremely talented, young man! Henry: Having his partner in there is going to be a help as well... Marduk: It didn’t hurt the Panar Leopards. It’ll definitely be an advantage... [Foster’s Beer Man starts to pull LEFT Tentacle up to the feet, looking to toss the kid out... suddenly WereELEPHANT rams into him with another TUSK!] Henry: Would have been... Marduk: FOSTER’S BEER MAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Another vicious TUSK racks up another elimination for WereELEPHANT! [LEFT Tentacle comes back to reality, just as WereELPHANT charges at him... wild eyed, LEFT Tentacle starts to run around in circles, the larger monster following close behind. Seeing his partner lying in a clump on the floor, “Mad” MAX Nolan runs down the makeshift aisle, checking on Foster’s Beer Man out on the floor. Fosters spits up some blood, much like the Bigamist, holding his blood covered midsection in agony.] Marduk: Having been in the ring since the start, I don’t know where LEFT Tentacle is finding the energy from... but somehow managing to stay a few feet ahead of Elephant, as he runs away in terror. Henry: Well his long night is almost over; WereELPHANT just needs to catch up. [Reaching into his bloody costume, Foster’s Beer Man pulls out the autobot matrix... no... a bottle of Foster’s Beer. Taking it from his long suffering tag partner, “Mad” MAX opens the giant beer, before chugging it down. The crowd go nuts as “Mad” Max HULKS UP!!!!!!!!!] Marduk: MAX not letting his drinking problem get the better of him, vowing revenge! Here he comes... “Mad MAX”“Mad MAX”“Mad MAX”“Mad MAX”“Mad MAX” “Mad MAX”“Mad MAX”“Mad MAX”“Mad MAX”“Mad MAX” “Mad MAX”“Mad MAX”“Mad MAX”“Mad MAX”“Mad MAX” [Leaping into the ring, the Aussie smashes the bottle over the giant Elephant’s HEAD--------] #SMASH# [Crowd: Oh no he didn’t POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] Marduk: LEFT Tentacle saved by the bottle... but WereELEPHANT... just no sell the broken bottle! Henry: Wait for it.... TUSK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [...crowd dies.] Marduk: And “Mad” MAX Nolan sent tumbling out for elimination! Henry: LEFT Tentacle looks like he’s going to cry... [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BULL HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ![]() #48 – “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man [WereELEPHANT has LEFT Tentacle lifted up with a gorilla press, when his eyes lock on Sirius Man.] Henry: Elephant’s have a long memory... Marduk: No love loss between WereELEPHANT and our next participant. Ever since Backyard started, these two have been at each other’s throats... Sirius Man blaming Elephant for being possessed by the spirit of the Sexy Cowboy, while Elephant holds Sirius responsible for his transformation. This might get ugly. [Dropping LEFT Tentacle in the ring, WereELEPHANT pushes through the ropes, stepping out to the floor. Sirius Man grabs a chair from the crowd, before continuing down the ramp... WereELEPHANT starts to charge forwards looking to meet him halfway.] Marduk: WereELEPHANT and Sirius Man brawling in the aisle, while a tired LEFT Tentacle and drunken Obscene Octopus leave little action in the ring. Henry: TUSK!!! Sirius blocks with a chair... check out the dent on that thing. Marduk: Another TUSK----blocked... Sirius bouncing the chair off of Elephant’s head... and Elephant going for a closeline, but Sirius ducks under... BOTH MEN falling into the crowd. [Finally getting a fire extinguisher, Marduk starts to go to work on the little flames springing up around the camper. Members of the audience run for their lives, as WereELEPHANT stomps after Sirius Man trying to trample him. Barely able to move, an exhausted LEFT Tentacle pulls the Obscene Octopus into a sharpshooter. Worried about a fire slowly moving towards the VCR, Marduk nods towards Brandon who hits PLAY again...] [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BULL HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ![]() #49 – “Scarlet Bullet” Shinji Murakami Henry: ...And here comes the other half of the Grave Diggers. A lot of tag wrestlers coming in here... I’m a singles star myself. Marduk: ...very talented young man... <back to fire fighting> Henry: ...God, I knew the roster was weak... especially without me... but so many tag wrestlers... [Spotting the Scarlet Bullet, LEFT Tentacle lets go of the sharp shooter, dropping an elbow to Kitano, before scooping him up. LEFT Tentacle tries to take the delirious Kitano towards the ropes, looking to eliminate him before his partner arrives. Going to instincts the barely conscious Kitano grabs the top rope, smiling as he plays with it. Sliding into the ring, Shinji runs into LEFT Tentacle with an axe-handle chop, causing him to drop the Octopus.] Henry: Jumping DDT drives LEFT Tentacle into the canvas... Brandon: ...the Scarlet Bullet calling on his partner Kitano to help him with a double suplex... Kitano slowly getting up, hiccupping along his way... Double snap suplex... Kitano was pretty sloppy with it. Henry: What are you doing here? Brandon: I thought I’d give you a hand with the commentating while Marduk puts out the van... Henry: A voice this perfect doesn’t commentate with just ANYONE, get your lackey ass back to the VCR! Brandon: Sorry... Henry: You should be. I’m surrounded by retards. I’m a professional god damn it... Sirius Man brawling with Elephant in the crowd, while the Grave Robbers double team LEFT Tentacle in the ring. We’ve almost reached our fiftieth entrant! Thank god our night is almost over. [Calling for a doomsday device variation, Shinji places LEFT Tentacle on his shoulders, lifting the exhausted punk up in the air. The drunken Kitano stares at all this blankly. Scowling, Shinji curses at Kitano in Japanese, gesturing towards the corner post. Kitano slowly makes his way to the corner; this doesn’t seem like a good idea, smiling at nothing in particular, Kitano slowly climbs the corner post...] Henry: Kitano going up top------------- ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Henry: ...and falls off. The Obscene Octopus has eliminated himself! [Shinji Murakami looks appalled... then LEFT Tentacle falls forwards, Murakami tries to hang onto the legs, accidentally getting pulled over into a spike RANA. Holding his ribs in pain, LEFT Tentacle slowly gets up to his feet, dragging Murakami after him. The Scarlet Bullet starts to pull Tentacle into the BLOOD SHOT, only to have LEFT Tentacle turn it into an overhead belly-to-belly suplex... out to the floor!] MONSTER POP!!!!!!!!!!! Henry: ...Ugh. Left Tentacle accidentally eliminates the Grave Robbers, well on his way to being the luckiest jerk on the roster. [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BULL HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [The crowd go nuts, as an exhausted LEFT Tentacle stares up at the makeshift entrance... then slumps back against the ropes in horror.] Henry: You’ve got to be shitting me. ![]() # 50 – Zombie Adrian Tanner Jr. [Suddenly the production van goes up in flames like a shrub in a biblical story!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [MASSIVE FIREBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [...the signal cuts out.] |
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| Vile Side | Jan 25 2010, 05:05 PM Post #14 |
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Keith
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[5.... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BULL HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #297 Regan McNeil!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Returning outside the backyard memorial ring has really filled up. We find the little girl from the exorcist slowly walking down the aisle, projectile vomiting at people in the ring. In the ring, the rest of the MONSTER ARMY – WereELEPHANT, Frankenberry, Farmer Vincent, are taking turns beating the crap out of their mortal enemy, “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius Man. HERBICIDE and Handy Andy take turns beating the undead crap out of Zombie Spud Boy. Death match veterans ARSENAL and SIX DEMON BAG take turns stabbing each other with exacto blades by the ropes. “The Perfect Gentleman” Edgar Caspian sits patiently in the far corner, looking for an opportunity, but enjoying a breather. Surprisingly LEFT Tentacle is still in it, lying in a slimy, bloody mess on the apron. “Handsome” Henry and Marduk the Magnificent stand in the burnt remains of a Winnebago still trying to do commentary on this awful match...] Marduk: Not that the monster army needed anymore help, but here comes another. ...Regan McNeil... I hope one day she overcomes the spirit of Pazazu that has demonically possessed her... but until that day happens, she’s a very talented performer. If any small child can win this encounter, it’s that extraordinarily talented little girl! Henry: Get a room! Marduk: The worker class team of Herbicide and Handy Andy working over nemesis Spud Boy – double hiptoss – but Spud manages to hang onto the top rope... still, with two men shoving him it’s only a matter of time. Henry: ARSENAL almost cutting Six Demon Bag’s mask off. I’m conflicted... I hate Six Demon and want to see him suffer, but the thought of what he looks like? I’d be puking harder than Regan! Marduk: HERBICIDE AND HANDY ANDY FINALLY THROWING SPUD BOY OUT! Spud Boy has been eliminated! [Standing up on the ropes to throw Zombie Spud Boy out, Herbicide becomes a perfect target for Regan.] Marduk: REGAN catching Herbicide with projectile vomit, that’s degusting, knocking him off balance----- HERBICIDE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Henry: With his lower class sidekick gone, Handy Andy’s chances suddenly take a nose dive... [Andy ducks behind the gang beating in the middle of the ring, trying to avoid vomit... but can’t help but turn to the commentators in irritation. Marduk & Henry are using bull horns five feet away... every comment is heard in the ring.] Handy Andy: Dude, what’s your problem? Henry: I paid you twenty bucks to paint my house! Handy Andy: The cheque bounced. [Distracted, Handy Andy becomes a perfect victim for a low blow from Edgar Caspian. Throwing Andy into the corner, Caspian starts to work him over with European uppercuts and kneelifts. Regan MacNeil finally enters the ring, joining the rest of the Monster Army in MURDERING “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius man.] Marduk: Sirius Man in a bad way... this is just horrific. WereELEPHANT with another TUSK... and now Regan puking on him. Enough is enough... [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] Marduk: Finally another entrant... hopefully someone who can help Sirius! BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #298 – Sadako [The little girl from Ringu suddenly jumps out of the TV, giving Brandon a dirty look before ghost walking towards the ring. The audience boo, absolutely hating the wealth of lame Movie Monsters horrifically beating a man in the ring. Joining the circle of monsters, the little girl starts using her AMAZING psychic powers to throw the blood drenched Sirius Man all over the ring.] Marduk: This is just repulsive! I didn’t sign up to commentate a beating like that... this is disgusting! Henry: You just have to focus on the positive... my fellow Dirty Rotten Gentleman, Edgar Caspian is going to TOWN on that unreliable Handy Andy. I’m just saying, don’t give the man work. Marduk: LEFT Tentacle still in the ring... though he might be in a coma. Henry: If this is a success, we can hold another Memorial Cup in his honour. Wouldn’t that be great... a series of memorial cups, each one honouring the memory of someone who passed away in the last one? Marduk: Well there are enough candidates. LEFT Tentacle and Sirius Man are complete write offs at this point, and the way ARSENAL and SIX DEMON BAG are going at each other... it won’t last long. On the Brightside, at least the rain has finally let up... [“Chief’ John Razorback jumps out of the “backstage” curtains to do another rain dance.] #THUNDERCLAP# Marduk: ...damn it. [As the rains start pelting the ring again, Caspian wraps Handy Andy in a cobra clutch, before suplexing Andy over the ropes. Feet landing on the apron, Andy drops down... pulling Caspian’s arms down on the ropes, forcing a break of the clutch. By the time Caspian has recovered, Andy has rolled back in. An unconscious Sirius Man is thrown into cheap shots by the various MONSTER ARMY members.] Henry: Damn it. Marduk: Caspian with a spinning elbow... no, Handy Andy brings up a big boot! Handy Andy pulls Caspian up into a-----OVERTIME! [Six Demon Bag runs a sickle across ARSENAL’s back, doubling the death match legend over. Six Demon is sorry he did, as ARSENAL stabs him in the crotch with an exacto blade. The ring shakes as Handy Andy PLANTS Caspian with a HARD DAY’S WORK!] Marduk: Handy Andy has Caspian on the ropes... and what are you doing? [...Handy Andy THROWS Caspian out of the ring!!!!!!!!!!!] MASSIVE FACE POP------------silence. [Henry catches Caspian before he hits the ground, tossing his tag partner back into the ring. The crowd boos the announcer’s participation; Handy Andy doesn’t look too pleased either. Andy starts to talk smack, when Henry throws a fistful of salt up in the oddjobber’s eyes.] Marduk: You can’t get involved! Henry: What? Everyone knows Caspian is going to win anyway... [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! # 299 – HARDCORE HERO [Racing down the aisle with a barbwire laced chair, Hero slides into the ring, immediately bringing the chair down over the head of Regan MacNeil. The violent attack on the little girl gets a surprisingly loud face pop from the crowd. Frankenberry then charges at Hero, swinging his arms like a windmill, only to take a chairshot to the gut for making General Mills cereal a laughing stock.] Marduk: HARDCORE HERO coming down to Sirius rescue! [Hardcore Hero starts to beat down Farmer Vincent. Regaining consciousness, LEFT Tentacle starts to crawl over to a safe corner, away from the action. Blinded, Handy Andy swings wild... an easy target for a recovering Edgar Caspian. Six Demon Bag runs a sickle across ARSENAL’s mask, the two men still trading SHARP shots against the ropes. Edgar Caspian starts to rise, looking to hook on a Gentleman Driver when Andy hiptosses him over the top rope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] Marduk: Hardcore Hero really going to town on the Movie Monster Army! [...Henry catches Caspian before his fellow Englishman’s feet can touch the ground, again tossing Caspian back in the ring.] Henry <grunt>: Kind of busy here! Marduk: Hero turning, about to go after WereELEPHANT with that chair... wait... no! [“Sexy Cowboy” Sirius man jumps in the way, taking the chairshot for WereELEPHANT! Sadako continues to sulk with her hair in her face, like some annoying emo kid... but moves her hands around, seemingly controlling the unconscious Sirius Man.] Marduk: Those monsters! Sirius Man doesn’t know what he’s doing... he’s unconscious... Sadako using her ESP to manipulate his body! Friend against Friend... Hardcore Hero doesn’t want to... but no choice, as The Sexy Cowboy is forced to throw a Sirius Shot! [Handy Andy reaches through the ropes, trying to stop Henry from putting Caspian back in the ring... but eats an eye gouge for his troubles. As Andy recoils in pain, Caspian is once again saved from elimination.] Marduk: Hardcore Hero ducks under a Sirius Shot... and another... Hero trying his best not to hurt his friend... [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #300 – Junior, the mutant Baby from the Its Alive movies! [One of the audience members throws a plastic baby into the ring, the toy representing the last member of the Monster Army.] Marduk: Here comes Junior... now there’s face that only a mother could love, but if any murderous infants can win this rumble, it’s that talented, mutant baby! [Hardcore Hero catches the baby doll in mid-air... ducks under a Sirius Man closeline, and then throws the baby as hard as he can at Sadako. The doll catches the little girl square in the head, knocking her out... someone didn’t think about the logistics of a small child falling out over the top rope, so when she climbs the ropes, to throw herself out, like it was the force of it... well... the visual looks kind of weird.] MASSIVE FACE POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Marduk: JUNIOR and SADAKO have been eliminated! What a blow to the Movie Monster Army... and... with Sadako unconscious... YES... Sirius Man has come back to normal! [The crowd start chanting as Hardcore Hero and Sirius Man unite in the centre of the ring. The cheers are dampened, when WereELEPHANT, Vincent, Regan, and Frankenberry start beating the crap out of them again.] Marduk: Six Demon Bag has ARSENAL on the ropes... now swinging that sickle... ARSENAL sidesteps, leaving nothing but rope. Watch the ropes! Those rings aren’t cheap. Henry <turning away from Caspian, now stomping the hell out of Andy>: Don’t worry, with a target Bag’s size, ARSENAL isn’t going to miss. Marduk: ARSENAL with a scalpel to Bag’s gut... and the TROUND... that’d do it! Arsenal has Six Demon Bag on the rope... elbow to the throat... trying to get the big man over... [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #301 – Kid Old Man Jenkins [The old man stomps out of the back to a chorus of boos, slowly making his way to the ring, Jenkins doesn’t like the Monster’s numbers... and rather than get brave, joins them in kicking the crap out of the Hardcore Hero.] Marduk: Jenkins playing the numbers game... no surprise there. ARENSAL with a napalm strike to the throat, still trying to shove Six Demon over the top... can he get him? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! #SNAP# [OMG POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] Marduk: The top rope on the far left corner snapped... ARSENAL and Six Demon Bag BOTH falling out to the floor! ...Referee racing over to check it out... Arsenal arguing his case. Well, technically they did go over the top rope... ARSENAL seems to be winning the referee over... NO! Six Demon Bag back up, and ramming ARSENAL into the corner. The two continuing their brawl outside the ring... Henry: Good riddance. Marduk: Two of the most decorated wrestlers in this; they had to be favourites to win this... Henry: Let’s focus on the REAL talent, Edgar, who is just about to finish that loutish odd jobber. Marduk: Well, Caspian is taking Andy apart... trying to lock on the Gentleman’s Prerogative... Henry: Here we go! Marduk: NO! Handy Andy reverses into the JOB WELL DONE! Henry: ...shit. Marduk: There’s the QUITTING TIME... and now Andy trying to throw Caspian over the top... not again. [Racing back to the ring, Henry jumps up on the apron. Before Handy Andy can react, Henry fires off a STIFF European uppercut, catching Andy in the throat. Grabbing Andy’s neck, “Handsome” Henry falls backwards... dragging both Andy and Caspian over the top rope. Caspian lands on the apron, while Andy is sent crashing to the floor with a text-book suplex.] Marduk: WILL YOU STOP THAT! [Jumping back up to his feet, Henry shoves Caspian back under the bottom rope to save him from elimination, before turning back to the downed Handy Andy, kicking the crap out of him.] Henry: Never! [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #302 – Feral Boy Marduk: He was raised by wolves in the wild... but if anyone who acts like an animal can win this rumble, it’s that talented young man! [No sooner has Edgar Caspian stood up, shaking off the effects of Handy Andy’s offense, then the feral boy starts biting his ankle! Leaning back against the ropes, Caspian starts to kick violently, trying to get the annoying creep off his boot! A particularly stiff kick knocks Caspian’s boot clean off, sending Edgar flying backwards over the top rope...] Marduk: ... [“Handsome” Henry is too caught up in beating up Handy Andy to catch his tag team partner. Caspian lands on top of Henry, knocking the announcer over, before his feet officially touch the floor.] Marduk: FERAL BOY HAS ELIMINATED EDGAR CASPIAN!!! “Handsome” Henry: God damn it! Edgar Caspian: If anything, I eliminated myself! “Handsome” Henry: What happened!?! Edgar Caspian: God I hate this fed! “Handsome” Henry: Don’t worry... I’ll put in a good world over at Midwest, I’m sure they’ll be happy to pick up your contract. [Henry consoles his distraught tag team partner... while in the ring, the Movie Monster Army are finished toying with their broken victims. Farmer Vincent and Kid Old Man Jenkins lifts a battered Sirius Man to his feet, setting him up for a...] Marduk: MEGA TUSK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Driving his tusks through Sirius’s midsection, the massive WereElephant throws his head back, tossing the Sexy Cowboy up in the air... as Sirius ragdoll body falls back down, WereELEPHANT puts out a knee, catching him in a backbreaker! The impact makes everyone cringe. “Sexy Cowboy” Sirius man starts to shake violently as a hush falls over the crowd...] Marduk: Can we get the paramedics back out here? [“Handsome” Henry rejoins Marduk in the announcers... burnt Winnebago headquarters. All eyes are on the Sirius as he has a seizure... then WereELEPHANT starts to shake... and Frankenberry... soon everyone in the ring is have a seizure...] Marduk: What are we seeing? Henry: This is embarrassing to watch. [...] ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [Out of thin air, EVERYONE in the ring is suddenly wearing a white cowboy hat... like those Arby commericials, only less gay, but gay.] Marduk: Are you seeing what I’m seeing... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Marduk: Everyone in the ring has been POSSESSED by the spirit of the Sexy Cowboy! [“Sexy Cowboy” LEFT Tentacle tries desperately to pull the cowboy hat off his head. “Sexy Cowboy” Feral Boy gives “Sexy Cowboy” WereELEPHANT a dirty look. The sexy cowboys that aren’t freaking out, are involved in an old fashioned showdown... what with their cowboy roots.] Marduk: ...Everyone... BUT... Sirius Man!!!! MEGA FACE POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Jumping up, Sirius Man turns to “Sexy Cowboy” WereELEPHANT... the only man not wearing a stupid cowboy hat.] Marduk: Sirius Man has FINALLY gotten rid of the Sexy Cowboy curse... at the expense of everyone else... but he’s back to normal, and the fans are loving it! Henry: ...idiots. Marduk: Sirius Man charging into “Sexy Cowboy” WereELEPHANT with a spinning forearm! [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MASSIVE HEEL POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Henry: Did we need another cowboy? I feel like I’m at a fucking Rodeo. Why don’t I just sign up for SWAT Texas! Ha. #303 – TYRANT Slim [The ten foot cosmic cowboy starts to saunter towards the ring. Fans throw garbage at the tall stranger; he bats it aside with his tree trunk arm, not even phased by the jerks. The “Sexy Cowboys” in the ring all turn towards this outsider...] Marduk: A number of non-SWAT ringers have been involved in this event; this has to be one of the last big names in it. Unlike the rest of them, Tyrant Slim is facing a half-dozen hostile locals. Henry: All wearing retarded cowboy hats. ...God damned Texas. Marduk: Well, all six men are focused on the massive invader in their midst. ...And I’d lay off the Texas bashing, considering what happened with Midwest... Henry: What happened to Midwest? Aside from me becoming their world champion... [Sirius Man jumps on WereELEPHANT with a dog star strike, then pushes the massive Elephant into the ropes with a headbutt. WereELEPHANT comes off with a TUSK, but Sirius sidesteps, locking on the Dog Star Locke. TYRANT Slim shows no emotions as he climbs up onto the apron, though all the participants stare at him in contempt...] Marduk: Slim stepping over the top rope into the ring, and here charges “Sexy Cowboy” Frankenberry... eating a BIG BOOT to the face! Henry: LEFT Tentacle shooting in, but Slim knocks him down with a kneelift. I forgot LEFT Tentacle was in this... Marduk: Not as active now, but he has been in this match for... SEVEN HOURS! [“Sexy Cowboy” Farmer Vincent hits TYRANT Slim with a short-arm closeline, only to see it no sold. Grabbing Vincent by his overalls, TYRANT Slim throws him into “Sexy Cowboy” Frankenberry. A palm strike knocks “Sexy Cowboy” Feral Boy to the canvas, which Slim then drops down with an elbow onto LEFT Tentacle, simultaneously ducking a dropkick attempt from “Sexy Cowboy” Hardcore Hero.] Marduk: TYRANT Slim just taking the backyard crew apart... if the message of this rumble was that these brave stars were just as good as the rest of SWAT... well, that feel good sentiment is kind of being squashed right now. Henry: Wait... was that the point? HAHAHAHAHahahahaha... I have to tell Edgar... he’ll be so happy he didn’t win. Marduk: Sirius Man running into the ropes, and pulls WereELEPHANT with him... DOG STAR DRIVER! The rest of the Movie Monster army to busy getting destroyed by Slim to help Elephant! [Henry pulls out his blackberry, calling the recently eliminated Edgar Caspian.] Marduk: ...And a SECOND DOG STAR DRIVER!!! WereELEPHANT is out on his feet... and here comes Sirius... SHOOTING DOG STAR!!!!!!!! [The force knocks WereELEPHANT over the second rope of the broken side of the ring, knocking the large beast out into the audience.] MEGA POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Marduk: SIRIUS MAN HAS ELIMINATED WEREELEPHANT... FINALLY TAKING OUT HIS GENERATION RIVAL! Henry: Hey Edgar, cheer up... you’re going to love this... apparently this rumble was to show the rest of SWAT how good the Backyard roster was... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaa... I know... don’t you love it? HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahaaaaaaaa... really dodged a bullet there buddy. Marduk: Do you mind? Henry: Gotta go buddy... the walls have ears. [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MEGA POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #304 – “Haemophiliac” Bill Johnson! Marduk: Bill Johnson... after his last brush with death, he swore he wouldn’t participate... now coming out here, risking life and limb, to help his fellow Backyarders! If anyone can do it, it’s that brave, young, talented man with the haemoglobin disorder! [The crowd cheer hard as Bill Johnson races down the aisle... in the ring, “Sexy Cowboy” Hardcore Hero charges at TYRANT Slim with his barbwire wrapped chair. A BIG BOOT knocks the chair back into Hardcore Hero’s face... the Haemophiliac arrives at ringside just in time to see his friend HERO bleeding heavily from the face.] Marduk: Nasty shot to the Hardcore Hero... that barbwire is really stuck in his face... [Johnson gives Hero one look before saying: “Fuck this.” Life is too short. Not even entering the ring, Johnson turns around, making his exit...] Marduk: Round of applause for Bill Johnson, no one could blame him for not fighting given his medical condition. I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did. [TYRANT Slim lifts “Sexy Cowboy” Hardcore Hero up in the air... “Sexy Cowboy” Regan O’Neill looks up, projectile vomiting at Slim... lowering Hero, Slim blocks the puke Hero’s body. Scowling, Slim throws Hero like a lawn dart, knocking O’Neill over...] Marduk: Slim grabbing O’Neill by the ankle... just throws her out of the ring like a ragdoll! Regan O’Neill has been eliminated! Henry: Did you see the way he manhandled her? I’m not going to lie; I’m becoming a fan... Marduk: “Sexy Cowboy” Kid Old Man Jenkins using RAKE across the back of Slim---IT BROKE! Old Man Jenkins is beside himself... Henry: Well, his only friend is dead... what are the odds of him making another? He’s going to die alone. [Dropping to the canvas, SCKOMJenkins holds his broken rake, stifling back some tears. Reaching down the cosmic cowboy puts a hand on Jenkin’s back... he understands. Jenkins stares up and nods appreciatively, only to be grabbed by the throat...] Marduk: CHOKESLAM to the outside of the ring, and TYRANT Slim has eliminated Old Man Jenkins... now kicking the remains of rake out of the ring. What a dick. [Coming too on the outside, WereELEPHANT is livid about his elimination. Some referees tell WereELEPHANT to go to the back... or.... arena, but there is no talking to the pissed off pachyderm. Two referees eat TUSKS...] Marduk: Sirius Man catching TYRANT Slim with a dropkick to the knee... no sold... and another... no sold... TYRANT Slim stalking after him... another dropkick... not slowing the giant down. Henry: He doesn’t stand a chance. Marduk: Sirius Man into the ropes, and... leap frogs over a BIG BOOT... still running... SHOOTING DOG STAR to the outside!!! Sirius just took out WereELEPHANT, but has eliminated himself in the processes! Henry: What an idiot. Marduk: He did save those referees... Henry: What an idiot. [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #305 – “Genocide” Jack Barton MASSIVE BOOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Marduk: The last of our prominent ringers has arrived... [No sooner has Barton walked out into the parking lot, than a masked man hits him across the back of the legs with a baseball bat. A second shot sends Barton kneeling forwards, setting him up for a headshot. The boos stifle as the masked man – wearing a snakeskin suit – continues to pummel the invader to a bloody pulp.] Marduk: Barton being violently assaulted! What’s going on here? [Outside the ring, Sirius Man and WereELEPHANT once again brawl in the crowd, their never ending feud reaching no satisfying conclusion in this, the last Backyard match.] Marduk: TYRANT Slim with a Quasar Bomb on LEFT Tentacle! The kid is broken in half... now looking to throw him out of the ring... NO... Slim stops, as “Sexy Cowboy” Feral Boy bits at his heel! Henry: I hope he’s had all his shots... Marduk: Slim letting go of Tentacle to yank Feral Boy off of him... GORILLA PRESS INTO THE CROWD! Henry: Feral Boy eliminated! Serves the little beast right, Edgar will be lucky if he doesn’t have rabies. [The Snakeskin clad masked man finishes beating Barton down... there’s no way he’ll compete. Pleased with his work, the mystery man is about to leave, when TYRANT Slim sidewalk slams Farmer Vincent out of the ring. The Masked man stops to watch Slim boot Frankenberry in the gut, then powerbomb him over the top rope, on top of Farmer Vincent.] Marduk: Frankenberry and Farmer Vincent sent spilling to the floor, as TYRANT Slim makes it look easy! Henry: Serves them right, pretending to be REAL wrestlers... Marduk: Jumping Piledriver----and LEFT Tentacle is DEAD! Tyrant Slim now lifting Tentacle up, NO! Hardcore Hero from behind with a knee to the back! Now going for a reverse DDT... but Slim puts the breaks on... hoisting Hero up for... fireman’s carry... Henry: Hardcore Hero eliminated, fortunately his face broke his fall. Marduk: ...And now Slim going after the unconscious LEFT Tentacle, and you have to believe---wait... here comes the Masked man! SATAN’S STRUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [The crowd is delighted to see TYANT Slim taken down a peg, but less than enthusiastic at the masked mans appearance...] Henry: Satan’s strut? CHRIST! Are you kidding me? Marduk: ...rapid fire punches... Henry: I mean, here we are over 300 hundreds competitors to HONOR his memory, and Vile “Vince” mother fucking Viper can’t even pretend to be dead for the whole rumble? Marduk: It could be anyone under that mask. [Vile Driver ’98! A hard irish whip sends TYRANT Slim crashing into the corner, where the Masked Man proceeds to handspring after him, before hitting another Satan’s Strut.] Henry: I mean those moves... that snakeskin... Vile isn’t even pretending to be someone else. Why the hell would he compete in his own memorial? Marduk: Well... I can probably cast some light on it, TYRANT Slim firing back with some forearm smashes of his own...see along with the contract, the winner of the rumble gets ALL the money that Vile owes them. Now for the few Backyard shows, a guy like LEFT Tentacle might be looking at a few hundred bucks... but old hands? Slim has worked for Viper before, as has Barton, he REALLY burned them... now if Slim were to win this rumble the money Vile owes him? Forget Death, my brother could NEVER retire. Henry: Big kneelift takes the masked man down... still, for all the weapons the mystery man has on him; Slim is still beating him senseless. Good. [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #306 – Uncle Son of Sam [The elderly man runs down the aisle, as TYRANT Slim stomps the masked man into a bloody hole. A kneelift almost takes the masked man’s head off. Turning, Slim turns his attention back to LEFT Tentacle, grabbing the kid by the sucker...] Marduk: Uncle Sam and the Masked Man with a double low-blow causing Slim to drop Tentacle. Henry: God I hate Sam... one of Viper’s sidekicks... a little convenient, no? Marduk: The masked man and Sam with a double exploder suplex... rolling through... and again! Surprising team work from the two... Henry: Please! Marduk: Double leg lariat... no sold... and TYRANT Slim knocks the masked man off with an elbow... now grabbing Sam by the horns... and... big neckswing... UNCLE SON OF SAM HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! [Reaching down, TYRANT Slim grabs LEFT Tentacle by the legs... the masked man runs over, trying to “protect” the kid, only to take a big boot to the face. Falling backwards, TYRANT Slim yanks LEFT Tentacle up in the air for a hotshot...] Marduk: LEFT Tentacle over the top rope---------------!!! Henry: Took them long enough... Marduk: NO! LEFT Tentacle in the audience... the crowd HOLDING HIM UP... body surfing him! Henry: Oh come on, he’s eliminated... and I think we’re all out of wrestlers... Marduk: NO, he isn’t out of this until his feet touch the floor. [Pulling out an international object, The Masked Man stabs TYRANT Slim in the back... turning to greet his attacker, Slim takes another dozen sharp shots to the gut. No selling everything but the bleeding, Slim knocks the masked man back with a clubbing forearm shot.] Marduk: Slim and Vip---the masked man going shot for shot! [Another shot sends the mystery man into the broken ropes. Grabbing one of the ropes, the Masked attacker ducks under a kneelift, rolling under Slim’s legs. Sidestepping an elbow shot, The Masked Man yanks the rope up, tying up Slim’s legs while low blowing him...] Marduk: Vile... the mystery man using the ropes to cheap shot Slim... and springboard Satan’s strut!!! TYRANT SLIM AND THE MASKED MAN FALLING OUT OVER THE “TOP” ROPE!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MEGA POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [The cheering crowd start to bodysurf LEFT Tentacle back towards the ring, throwing him back in over the top rope. TYRANT Slim and the masked man continue to brawl around the sheep. As the chants start to go up, LEFT Tentacle slowly starts to come to, barely conscious but pleased that he’s still somehow in the ring...] Marduk: Has he done it? After almost seven and a half hours... and over 300 wrestlers, has LEFT Tentacle won this thing? Henry: I don’t see anyone else on roll call. Marduk: Can we make this official? <to Brandon> Run the tape one last time... [5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [...] Marduk: I guess that’s it. Henry: Well, I’d like to say this has been pleasant. Marduk: Yeah, good luck with wherever you end up. Henry: Oh, I’m suffering in SWAT Midwest, when I’m not suffering here. Marduk: You know they closed, right? Henry: They should close... they’ll close when I’m through with them. Haven’t run them out of business yet... sadly. But give me time. Marduk: No, I mean they are actually closed. When was the last time SWAT Midwest ran a show? Henry: “Ha.” Good one. When was the last time Notorious ran a show, smart guy? [...] [...something unpleasant has just dawned on the announce position.] BLOW HORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Marduk: Huh? ![]() #307 – “Registered Sex Offender” Frank Wilkes [The former SWAT ULTIMATE champion steps out of the backstage to a tsunami of bad vibrations. Wilkes shutters, then makes his way down the aisle... it doesn’t matter how many times he repays his debt to society. There is no forgiveness in his future...] Marduk: Talk about a surprise last minute entrant... Wilkes vacated the SWAT Ultimate title to sign a lucrative deal with Shootfire Pro Wrestling. The fans aren’t quick to forget the betrayal... though it looks like Shootfire was quick to let him out of his contract. Am I right, or am I... hey... what are you doing? [In the ring, “Handsome” Henry breaks a steel chair over LEFT Tentacle’s head.] Henry: I’m not about to get transferred to Texas! ![]() SURPRISE Entrant # 308 – “Handsome” Henry Marduk: Well fans... looks like my announce partner has decided to participate in the contest. While I question appearing at this last stage, when LEFT Tentacle is battered and can’t defend himself, you have to appreciate where he’s coming from. It’s a tough economy, and a contract with a steady wrestling federation would be nice... who am I kidding? ![]() SURPRISE Entrant #309 – Marduk the Magnificent [Marduk slides into the ring, just in time to get stomped on by “RSO” Frank Wilkes. “Handsome” Henry tries to shove LEFT Tentacle over the top rope... but his costume sticks, which is gross.] Henry: ...I’ve actually been wanting to beat him up all night, can we switch? [Dropping a knee to Marduk, Henry starts to pepper him with forearm shots. The larger Marduk shoves Henry off, only to have the Englishman immediately fall back down with another knee, this time to the crotch. Opposite, “RSO” Frank Wilkes stretches LEFT Tentacle with the “50 foot restraining order.” With the announcers joining the brawl, the professionals finally chirp in...] Fulton: Is this crap over yet? Tucker: Apparently not... but how many more people could they have join in? [Marduk rolls away from a forearm shot, grabbing Henry’s arm, twists it into the scolding. Face down on the canvas; Henry taps out, wanting the agony to end. Out of the back runs a tired looking Edgar Caspian...] Tucker: Oh, here comes another... no... Apparently this one not participating, just helping from outside. [Caspian throws a handful of white powder in Marduk’s eyes. As Marduk recoils, Henry yanks his arm out of the hold. Holding it close, Henry tries to rub some feeling back in, while violently kicking the blinded Marduk. Brandon the master of the VHS player suddenly enters the ring...] Brandon: I just realized Notorious... [Before Brandon can realize his new job aspirations, Henry gouges his eyes, then grabbing a fistful of hair, tosses Brandon out of the ring. Caspian puts the boots to the technician, while Henry turns back to Marduk, greeted with a shoulder to the gut.] Fulton: Frank Wilkes trying to throw LEFT Tentacle over the top rope... but the costumed clown hanging on for dear life. Tucker: Wilkes with some headbutts trying to knock Tentacle off... the two former SWAT ultimate champions really going at it. Fulton: Wilkes now choking Tentacle... I guess that’s his throat. Gouging the eyes, trying to do anything to get Tentacle to let go. Tucker: Tentacle with a SUCKER PUNCH knocks Wilkes off of him. [Tentacle falls off the ropes back into the ring, as Wilkes staggers off. Holding his jaw in pain, Wilkes charges forwards with a superkick, only to have Tentacle duck under it, jumping forwards into an improvised spinebuster.] Tucker: Henry going for a belly-to-back suplex... reversed by Marduk... and SENDS Henry flying over the top rope... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Tucker: Henry caught by Caspian before he could be eliminated, and tossed back into the ring. Doesn’t seem quite fair... Fulton: At this rate, it’ll NEVER end. [LEFT Tentacle starts to go for a hiptoss, only to eat a knee, followed by a RSO Driver. Marduk starts to lift Henry up again, but takes a low blow for his efforts. A European uppercut knocks Marduk down, where Henry hooks the legs for a sunset flip...] Tucker: Henry with a sunset flip----------Marduk headed out------------ ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Tucker: NO! Marduk grabs the top rope... managing to avoid elimination... here comes Caspian on the outside, grabbing Marduk’s foot... but the Magnificent One knocks him off! Fulton: Wilkes dragging... Tentacle... into a RegiSTARED... [Marduk uses the ropes to slingshot back in with a shoulderblock, catching Henry in the chest; Marduk knocks the Handsome One backwards into Wilkes, knocking him over.] Tucker: Big collision... and Wilkes shoving Henry off of him... Fulton: Henry and Wilkes quickly up to their feet, and shoving a little... throwing punches... Tucker: ...And...Marduk and LEFT Tentacle from behind... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Tucker: Marduk with the ReEntry Planet X sends HENRY flying... again caught by Caspian! Fulton: UGH... can’t we force him out of here? Tucker: ...AND LEFT Tentacle catches Frank Wilkes... SLIMEY CLUTCH!!!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Tucker: And Frank Wilkes is eliminated!!! Fulton: We’re down to our final three... #TWACK# Tucker: Caspian tossing Henry a chair... and Henry LEVELS Marduk with it. Now taking out LEFT Tentacle... and another shot... and another... just beating Marduk to a bloody pulp... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Tucker: LEFT Tentacle grabbing Henry’s legs... EVERYONE DIES GIANT SWING!!!!!!!!!! Fulton: Here comes Caspian, actually entering the ring... no... knocked out with Henry’s body, and Tentacle showing no signs of stopping. [Picking his chair back up in between swinging around the ring, Henry shifts his weight, nailing Tentacle across the head with the chair.] Tucker: Henry breaks it with that chair... and another BIG chairshot sends LEFT TENTACLE TO THE FLOOR! MASSIVE HEEL HEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tucker: LEFT Tentacle going from start, to almost finish, but no match for Henry’s chair... and the audience giving him a standing ovation. I suspect a bright career in that young man’s future. Fulton: Marduk finally back to his feet, staggering over to Henry... Tucker: ANOTHER chairshot knocks Marduk back... and another... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [Marduk stumbles backwards into the broken ropes... tripping back over the middle rope...] Tucker: Marduk falling... [Grabbing the broken top rope, Marduk pushes off against the apron, not touching the ground, Marduk swings along ringside, knocking Caspian down with a kick to the face.] Tucker: NO! Marduk hangs on... SWINGING back onto the apron... [Henry celebrates in the middle of the ring... completely unaware as Marduk re-enters the ring...] Tucker: ...Here we go... Fulton: HENRY behind you! Tucker: Henry spins... BELLY-TO-BELLY RELEASE OVERHEAD SUPLEX!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Tucker: Marduk just sent Henry flying out of the ring, and Caspian is out... no one to catch him! “HANDSOME” HENRY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!! DING!DING!!DING!!! “MAR-DUK!”“MAR-DUK!”“MAR-DUK!”“MAR-DUK!” “MAR-DUK!”“MAR-DUK!”“MAR-DUK!”“MAR-DUK!” “MAR-DUK!”“MAR-DUK!”“MAR-DUK!”“MAR-DUK!” Fulton: Just disgusting, he showed up at the very end, why would anyone be happy for him? Tucker: Marduk has been here, calling the match since the start! I for one can’t think of a better person to win the VVV memorial cup than his long suffering half brother. [In the ring, some orphans hand the muscular character some flowers. Backyard officials enter the ring with the SWAT Ultimate title, and giant novelty cheque for all the money Vile owed the Magnificent One. Marduk wipes away a few tears, as the crowd continue to chant his name. One of the officials straps the Ultimate title around his waist, while another raises his arm in the air... fireworks go off. Outside the ring, LEFT Tentacle smiles, signing autographs for a few fans, feeling like a real wrestler. “Handsome” Henry and Edgar Caspian argue and shove each other in the aisle...] Tucker: And the golden lining? Fulton: SWAT Backyard is finally over... Tucker: SWAT Backyard will never be over. Fulton: No. It touched us all... in worse places than Frank Wilkes, still, I’m sure there is enough alcohol in the world to kill whatever brain cells remember this. Tucker: Or model glue. [No one can rain on Marduk's parade. ..."Chief' John Razorback steps out of the back, doing a raindance. Motherfucker.] |
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| themightyblot | Jan 25 2010, 09:52 PM Post #15 |
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Filing Cabinet
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You're fucked up. But what does that make me for READING all of that?! Brian J. Blottie -Now my head hurts. |
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7:13 PM Jul 10