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- Overly_Critical_Jue,Mar 5 2010
- 01:25 PM
There was that "two guys on a rp deadline" rp that completely broke the 4th wall, right? I forget who was involved...COB and uhhh...Mike?
Anyhow, that's the first thing that always comes to mind whenever someone asks me about MBC.
House of Bastards July 6th, 2000
- Quote:
-
(Fade from those pixel thingies in your screen.)
[We then go to "THIS FLASH WAS WRITTEN IN HASTE...BY TWO GUYS DRINKING TONS OF COFFEE, TRYING TO MEET A DEADLINE"
The camera fades in to two men sitting in front of a pair of computers, typing and drinking coffee like mad. It's Chris O'Brien and Mike Sonby. Yep, the MBC has broken down the fourth wall... again]
COB: OK- this week, they're in a strip club!
MS: YES! NO! We did that last week! They're in....their in... um....
COB: A movie thaeter!
MS: Perfect! And the usher is one of Simon's ex-wives!
COB: Another one? Dude, he has too many of them!
MS: OK then- Brian's ex-girlfrien!
COB: He doesn't have one.
MS: He doesn't? That explains a lot...
COB: Hey! Enough talk and back to the flash!
[Cut to the movie theater]
CO: Man, I can't wait for this movie to start.
PW: Where's the popcoorn?
[movie starts]
SO: What movie is this?
PW: "Bambi"
CO: Oh, go...
SO: "Bambi goes to Miami"! Great! Which volume?
[Back out to reality]
COB: Dude, this flash sucks!
MS: Yeah, well we only have ten minutes to send it in, or Lord Kyle is gonna job our asses to the the Doomsday Chicken
COB: Or worse, Slush & Pinhead
MS: Let's hurry!
[Back to the movie...]
[...]
[...]
[Movie ends]
BM: Let's get a beer!
COB, SO & PW: Ohh-Kay! [Back to reality]
COB: I am not sending this to him!
MS: Oops... too late
COB: For God's sake, bring it back! Bring it back! Is he on IRC?
MS: Let me check... Nope... Nope... Nope... DAMMIT, STEVE, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO SUBMIT SOMETHING FOR KICKING AIR!
COB: Man, I got Jarmusch asking me to join his fed...again... Dude, you saved it before we sent it, right?
MS: Er...
COB: RIGHT?
MS: Not really... but I can remember most of it...
COB: Ok, let's redo one. I'll throw on another pot of coffee.
MS: I thought you just...
[Sonby is stopped as O'Brien chugs an entire pot]
MS: OK. But make it strong this time
COB: I put in five damn scoops!
MS: Why don't you replace the coffe with Folger's Crack, and see if I notice the difference?
COB: I DO NOT SMOKE CRACK~!
MS: Yeah, yeah... like I haven't heard THAT line 1,000 times before...Dude, the line between you and your character is blurring...
COB: Hey- your ex-wife called...
MS: Tell her I'm not here! Tell her... hold on, I've never been married!
COB: Gotcha. Ok, I'll make the coffee, you start the flash. Put them...in a car.
MS: No... on a boat!
COB: Boat? Dude, what the hell would they be doing on a boat?
MS: Say it with me... IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE DOING ON A BOAT!
COB: On a boat...screw that. Why not put them...IN ASIA CARERRA'S PENTHOUSE! Yeah, that's not too weird...
[Sonby looks at O'Brien]
MS: Why the hell do I work with you?
COB: This is what Asia Carerra looks like
[Chris shows Mike a JPEG.]
MS: OK, so they're in the penthouse...
COB: You do it, I'll make the coffee.
MS: OK, they're in Asia Carerra's apartment... and her sister Tia Carrera shows up...
COB: Um, Mike... Tia isn't related to As...
MS: Our flash, our reality. You be quiet
COB: If they're sisters, no lesbo scene.
MS: [hitting a DELETE key] Well, there goes that idea.
COB: Why does it always have to be about lesbians, dammit? Who are you, Harry Caray?
[Mike points to his fantasy baseball team, the Harry Caray Poet's Society]
COB: Oh, yeah...ok, seven minutes.
MS: Genuflect when you speak the name of the master.
[pause]
MS: Gotta get this flash done! OK, so they're on a boat...
COB: WHAT ABOUT ASIA CARRERRA?!?!
MS: What, and interrupt her massage with Tia?
COB: Man, I should have taken Kyle up and done this drunken thing with the Mattress Kittens...HEY! You want lesbos? We can use them!
MS: Yeah, but Simon's done with them, and your namesake is tired. Paul has Neve, so that leaves Brian
COB: I'm tired? Says who?
MS: Dude... you should have seen what you wrote after your encounter with the TMK.
COB: I had an encounter??? What did I write?!
MS: I'm not sure... it was in some language I've never read before
COB: Maybe it was gibberish? [Waves his hands] DUDE! Flash, gotta do flash, lest we lose to Andre Dec...again...
MS: Oh, no! Not again! If Quinn Brown beats Reed one more time, I swear I'm jumping to some AOL fed...
COB: The EMWC?
MS: What, so I can lose to EVG again? No way! I'll go to the BWFE, find that F'N impostor...
COB: You mean the guy with talent?
MS: At least I have a serious character!
COB: I have one too! Augustine.
MS: HAH!
COB: [MEEP] you, and let's write.
MS: "Never said I was Innocent..." Bah! What are you, OJ Simpson?
[Fade out- ain't no way this flash is being sent out on time]
And, while I've yet to find the 21 "OH MY GROIN" Salute, I did find COB's "Apollo 13 1/2"... (House of Bastards August 10th, 2000)
- Quote:
-
COB: Ok, ok, folks, now, this is the 4th anniversay of the MBC. Hell, I'm just as shocked as you it's lasted this long. You realized what this means? The MBC has been around for as long as I've been in college.
Slush: It's only been around four years, dude.
Skullhead: That's the point.
Slush: But this is Chris O'Brien. Does he even remember what the heck the inside of a classroom looks like?
COB: And as your MBC World champion...
...
...
...STOP DOING THAT, DAMMIT!
Anyway, as your leader, role model, and champion of virtue...which is to say, my moral standing is lying down...I took it upon myself to come up with a present for the MBC which would reflect my love and dedication for the federation.
Unfortunately, Bruce Campbell could not be with us tonight.
[And we hear...from the back...]
KL: DAMMIT!
COB: However, I sat down and thought to myself "What the MBC needs is something eternal." Something that will outlast time. Something that, a thousand years from now, will still make members of the Religious Right go "JESUS CHRIST!"
However, I couldn't get the permits to have Tom Landis buried alive with an air hose and an IV tube.
Slush: I HATE TOM LANDIS!
COB: So I did the next best thing...
...I made a movie!
Pinhead: HE WHAT?
Skullhead: MOVIE?
Slush: POPCORN?
Tinkle: MEEP?
COB: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I actually went out and financed a movie. And not just any movie...a movie with a big marquee name! This isn't some cheap fly by night production, oh no. I went out and I sank a good bit of my MBC salary into this film.
Skullhead: Ed Wood, prepare to be vinidicated.
COB: So ladies and gentlemen, if you would be so kind as to turn your attention to the Bastardtron...
[And from somewhere up in Toronto...]
MB: HEY! THAT'S MY TV, YOU BASTARD!
[The lights of the House of Bastard go dark...and we see, up on the Bastardtron...
...my God, it's full of stars!
And the voice begins...a deep, deep voice, that sounds like...none other than "Matrix" star Laurence Fishburne!]
LF: He's Apollo Johnson, America's leading astronaut...and a well endowed ladies man.
[Cut to a shot of two people lying on a white couch, with a white wall with a black window in the background. One is a lovely young blonde hair woman in a tight, tight white outfit...while the other is a strong, well muscled black man]
Blonde: Oh, Apollo!
AJ: Hang on, baby, it's time for re-entry.
LF: Monumental Pictures, in association with Bastard Films, present "Apollo 13...and a 1/2!"
[Cut back to the couch, where just the head of the blonde can be seen, shaking back and forth]
Blonde: Ooooooooooooooh, Apollo!
LF: Porn legend Dick Mahogoney stars as Apollo Johnson, a charter member of the 1,000 Mile High Club!
[Back to the couch again, this time with the blonde and Apollo cuddling]
Blonde: Apollo, it must be tough being an astronaut. Tell me, what's your next mission going to be?
Apollo: Well, baby, if all goes as planned, tonight, I'll be visiting...Uranus.
Blonde: Oh, Apollo!
LF: Apollo Johnson, he's king of the cockpit! And he's got more tail than Halley's Comet.
[Back to the couch...where Apollo stands, back to the camera...
*ZIP*
*THUMP!*]
Blonde: Oh, Apollo! Now I know why they call it the...JOHNSON Space Center!
LF: There's nothing small about Apollo 13 and a 1/2! Just look at that load!
[Back to Apollo...a...strained look on his face...]
AJ: Five...Four...Three...Two...One...Blastoff!
[Stock footage of oil gushing]
LF: Apollo Johnson! Boldly going where no man has gone before!
[Now cut to a lovely, stunning raven-haired lady, lying on the couch, looking at Apollo's rocket]
SR: Apollo, you must be some kind of super patriot to have a tattoo on your manhood that says "U.S.A."
AJ: Nah, baby, it don't say that. When I'm excited, it says "Us astronauts are dedicated to the aeronautics field, and the exploration of space. The Final Fronteir!" Now on the other side it says...
LF: Apollo 13 and a 1/2! Special cameo appearance by Tom Yanks! As astronaut Jim Lovesit! Also starring Ron Jeremy as the Assteroid!
[Cut to the one, the only, the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy]
RJ: This thing will never get off the ground, get my butt thrusters in action!
LF: Also starring Susan Davis and Jennifer Hardi in the totally pointless lesbian scene!
[Cut to...well...yeah, you get the idea. What, you need me to describe it to you?
Perv.]
LF: Also starring Ophelia Balsac! As the first woman in space, Sally Ridemee!
[Cut to the scene again...and a shot of the upper body of the raven haired lady we saw before]
Houston: Sally, this is Houston! Is Apollo ok? It sounds like he's running out of oxygen!
SR: Oh, don't worry, Apollo's just enjoying a little...tang...if you know what I mean.
[And from far away, we hear...]
AJ: Hey, baby? Can you turn up the stereo?
LF: Apollo Johnson! This summer, catch the movie everyone will be talking about!
[Back to the couch...]
SR: Apollo, I have something to tell you, I'm pregnant.
AJ: Well it's been nice knowing you baby...
SR: Um, Houston, we have a problem.
AJ: No, no, YOU, have a problem. I bet you'd make one bad mother...
SR: Shut yo mouth!
LF: Apollo 13 and a 1/2! From Monumental Pictures and Bastard Films, rated PG-13.
[*ZIP*
*THUMP!*]
AJ: And a half.
[We got back to the HoB, where O'Brien is in the ring, grinning...
...and the place is silent.
Dead silent.
As silent as if they'd just been told Ronnie D has been let back into the EMWC]
COB: And? What did you think?
(Crickets.)
(Tumbleweeds.)
Slush: Where do we get those tumbleweeds?
Pinhead: We've got extra from Rook's old segments.
("Selling My Soul" by Black Sabbath begins to play suddenly and a very pissed off "Doomsayer" Kyle Lee rolls out, portable mic in hand.)
LEE: O'Brien! What the [MEEP] was that?
COB: That was my birthday present! Happy Birthday, boss!
Lee: We're already getting phonecalls about lawsuits! What the hell were you thinking?
COB: Lawsuits? Phone calls?
[COB scratches his head]
COB: What...what was wrong with that?
Lee: ITS [HOSEBEAT]ING PORN! YOU CAN'T PUT THAT ON TV! NOT EVEN IN THE MBC!
(Lee thinks a moment)
Lee: How the hell did you get that on there? What did you do to my production guys?
COB: Nothing, I swear! I just gave them some alcohol...wait...
[COB checks his back pocket]
COB: [MEEP]. I gave them the ether to drink. My bad, Mr. Lee.
Lee: Do you know how long it took me to find sober college students? Damnit O'Brien! What the hell are you trying to do to me!
[O'Brien is quiet...]
COB: Wait...are you mad at me?
Lee: Damn straight I am! I haven't been this pissed since you started the whole football thing!
(Turns to the crowd)
Lee: And the next one of you [MEEP]ers who tosses a football at me is going to get banned from the arena!
[Lee turns back just as O'Brien is seen hiding a football behind his back]
Lee: Whats that behind your back?
COB: Umm...I'm confused. So it's porn. And? Your point?
Lee: DAMNIT! Are you not listening!?
COB: Nope!
[O'Brien rears back...and fires a perfect spiral pass!]
Skullhead: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[And since this is a football...and this is Kyle Lee...*THWACK!*]
<Doomsayer> LEE: OH MY [MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]ING GROIN!
COB: OOOOOOOOOOOH YEAH, RIGHTEOUS!
Slush: Only Lee would be made an ass of on his own show. Sad, sad, sad.
[Feeling the hurt, Lee takes the microphone and puts out some words]
Lee: O'Brien.... you're..... suspended.....
[O'Brien celebrates in the ring...until he sees Lee holding himself, in pain]
COB: Um...you WERE joking, right?
Lee: Hell.... no.... get the hell.... out of.... my building....
COB: Sus...suspended? Why?
Lee: Football.... broadcasted porn.... corruption of interns.... get out...
COB: Ok, fine by me. I was going to give you the home phone number of Angie Everheart, but since you're being so [MEEP]in' mean tonight...
Lee: Get... out!
(O'Brien, looking dejected, leaves as Lee is downed with pain. As "The Drunken One" heads out, his loyal Pittsburgh Tappers pelt Lee with trash.)
Slush: That Lee. What a [MEEP]ing loser.
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