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Show Ten; The Last Episode, Really!
Topic Started: May 27 2010, 09:53 PM (397 Views)
ratrangerm
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Aging veteran
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Fade in: We do not zoom in on Randy Grant... instead, we get... Raymond Elbert?

What's going on here? Maybe we can find out.

Or maybe not... Raymond is gonna take you through the usual introduction with all those clips from shows past.]

RE: Finally, we've come to the end of the road... whole thing's been kind of a trainwreck if you ask me.

But who did we end up with our final two?

First, we ended up with the Samoan chick who can't get those damn brass knuckles off her hand... meaning she's got a hard hand to match her hard head.

Second, we've got the guy who thought he was the host, until he was put into his proper place in the pecking order... and somehow, he managed to stumble his way into being a finalist.

Meanwhile, we got the rest of the fools who got drafted into doing this thing, set to make the decision as to who they think should be the winner.

If it were up to me, I'd send both of them home and keep that money and title belt for myself.

But, the rules say we gotta have a winner... so tonight, you'll find out who that winner is, here on...

TOTAL...

DRAMA...

WRESTLING!

[And we immediately cut to what appears to be the library. The seven participants who previously were eliminated are all seated at individual tables. Evidently, putting them all at the same table would be too risky.

And we still don't know where Randy Grant is... because it's Raymond Elbert standing in front of them, giving his spiel.]

RE: I suppose you all want to know what happened to Randy... what happened to him is not your concern.

I've just been tired of doing nothing but being a referee, which is really a boring job because all you do is look the other way every time someone wants to bring a foreign object in the ring or let someone else get involved.

So now I get to do the important job... telling you what it is all going to come down to, and that is, those seven of you who could only wish you reached this point are going to decide the fate of the final two.

First, we'll let any of you who has a few things to get off your chest, do so before we get to the business at hand... watching the final two beg, grovel, whine, pout and suck up their way to get your votes.

In other words, act like a typical politician.

Then it will be up to all of you to cast your votes by secret ballot... the one you pick gets to take home the million bucks and the Total Drama Wrestling World title.

In other words, you have to figure out who gets those prizes you'd rather keep for yourself.

So... let's hear from the peanut gallery... tell everyone what's on your mind!

[The camera fades in to see Simon O’Neal. Simon’s seated in a chair wearing his grey fedora and ray-ban sunglasses, along with slacks and a buttoned-up shirt. He motions for the camera to zoom in, which it does.]

SO: I’m going to give some advice. I suggest some of you take notes.

[Simon leans back in his chair]

SO: People have asked me, “Why was I so passive?” I made my initial alliance, then never shook the boat. People expected me to make double turns, triple turns, backstab everyone and their mother. And I’ll admit- I did reach out to another person not in my alliance of myself, Keisha, and Jack. Ironically, it was Gabby. She never replied, and I was voted out.

But I have a reputation for being sneaky- so people wonder why I wasn’t more… sneaky. Well, start writing this down.

[Simon clears his throat before continuing]

SO: You see, being sneaky for the sake of being sneaky is a great way- to finish in second place. At the end, the very people you threw out of TDW will decide if you were the final winner- or the second place schmuck.

Now, I formed an alliance- but I was loyal to them. I wanted the final three to be us- because when I faced those voters, I wanted them to see all three of us as equally responsible. I didn’t want anyone especially mad at me.

My goal wasn’t to be sneaky- it was to win the game.

You see, that’s Jack Keening’s problem. He’s trying so hard to be sneaky, to be crafty- and I can’t blame him; if I was part of that family I’d want to show how different I was, too. But he’s trying to be sneaky, so he double crossed me, double-crossed Keisha. And in the end, he’s in front of the final jury-full of people that really are mad at him, and can’t wait to vote against him. My mistake with Jack was thinking he’d realize this.

[Simon pauses]

SO: But here’s the thing- voting against Jack means voting for Gabby. Now, Gabby’s played a great ‘under the radar’ game. But really- all she’s done is not tick people off. Does she really deserve the prize for that?

Do I vote for the person who didn’t really play the game- or the one who played it badly?

Something for me to think about.

[Simon smirks as the camera fades out]

[The camera lands on Keisha Love, clad in a floral-print dress and sandals. Her long black hair is draped over her shoulder and there's a scowl on her pretty face.]

Keisha: I thought it was wack! And I was quite obviously cheated! It should be me, standing as one of the final two. Instead, you've got Jack and that fatty!?! Ugh!

[She rolls her eyes and folds her arms across her chest.]

Keisha: Whatever! Call me bitter, I don't care. But even Stevie Wonder could see that I quite obviously ran this show. Look at how boring it got, once I left. Anyway, I just hope that they've got their speeches nice and polished up. Because they're going to have to be awfully convincing to get my vote! Even though Jack and I worked together, I still think he's a cheap backstabber and can't be trusted. So, he's not guaranteed a damned thing!

[She sniffs and turns up her nose.]

[The camera next lands on “Tokyo Badboy” Ikuto Nagashima, clad in a chain metal shirt and kilt, his hair dyed platinum.]

Ikuto: Do not talk to me! My agent has already been fired for putting on this travesty! Be gone!

[He waves his hand, shooing the camera away.]

RE: So... what about the rest of you? Godzilla? Captain Caveman? Chick on speed? Hannibal Lecter?

No? None of you?

Well, what can I say... I know all of you were sore losers and all that, but if you had actually learned how to play the damn game, you wouldn't be sitting at these tables feeling sorry for yourselves!

Since obviously none of you have anything else to say, we're gonna find out what Gabby and Jack have had to say. We're gonna run these clips of them kissing your fannies... no, not literally, although that it is an image that is both funny and disturbing at the same time... and you then will get to decide who it is that deserves your vote.

And no, "none of the above" is not an option!

[A beat.]

RE: Of course, I certainly do wish I had my name as an option. I still haven't received a paycheck yet for working this show!

[A large empty black cavernous space, illuminated by a single spotlight. Gabby RioPaah waddles in with a wooden box helpfully labelled "SOAP" under her arm. She puts the box in the center of the spotlight and stands on top of it.]

"In conclusion, I would like to suggest that it is 'igh time for a revolution in the sports-entertainment-slash-rasslin' industry. And the combination of myself, Gabrielle RioPaah and Total Drama Wrestling can bring this to the world."

[Gently, in the background, Brendan Small's "Victory" theme begins to play in the background. It sounds a lot like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1qLy3y67RU]

"Yes, Cheap-Ass Productions have been honing the art of professional graps and what do we have? Total Drama Wrestling! A production that has wrought an explosion of ratings into every Neilsen home in the country! And who am I that stands before you as one of the finalists? A scruffy muffin-topped pseudo-intellectual ironic commentary on stereotypes with dubious personal 'ygiene, tribal tattoos and a sarcastic sense of 'umor."

[Slowly zoom out from her soapbox to reveal the DCWL's Annoyed Samoans are backing her up on Flying V guitars.]

"In short, friends, I *am* everything the typical American wrestling fan is, except with smaller boobs. I provide small children with a cute and cuddly role model to look up to. Young people appreciate my fresh and innovative comedic stylings. College kids and intellectual eggheads love my postmodern ironic approach to bloody well everything. Freaky long-haired hairy-forearmed cynical feminists love my freaky long-haired hairy-forearmed cynical feminism! Because that's what America is, right!?"

[Huge banners unfurl behind her with the faces of the other TDW competitors. A giant American flag illuminates behind her.]

"And when I win TDW, the careers of the people who made the decision will SKYROCKET! People like Yano Masoyoshi, Suzie Machina, American Freebear, and Kevin McCabe will be looked upon as icons in the making for the 2010s! The names of Ikuto Nagashima, Simon O'Neal,and Keisha Love will become household words like... stove or... sink. Toilet. I dunno. Do you Yanks have toilets yet? Anyway..."

[She continues with her exhortations.]

"So you should vote for me as winner. I mean, there's nothing subtle about this promo, eh, but then again, when has wrestling ever been about subtlety?"

[She picks up a cantaloupe and headbutts it, shattering it into a million pieces.]

"What matters is I'll be famous, and everyone in TDW will be famous, and then I'll get tempermental and hard to work with and start complaining about how I'm booked and I'll start holding people down but no one will really care because we'll all be making so much money! And God will smile down upon us!"

[A brilliant white light shines down from above.]

"And He will say, 'let them have a main event push!'

[Gabby is out and out punching her fist into the air.]

"For wrestling!"

"For America!"

"For science!"

[Abruptly cut to Timothy Dalton.]

"For Gallifrey! For Victory! For THE END OF TIME ITSELF!"

[In the background...]

"Bloody 'eck, Tim. How many times you gotta take the piss out of me speech, eh?"

[Walking out into view, Jack Keening has his hands jammed into the pockets of his half-destroyed suit jacket. He looks down, eyes squeezed to slits, clenches his jaw and tries very hard to maintain his composure.]

JK: A-hem...

[Clearly uncomfortable, Jack rubs his throat which, by now, must be clenching rather tightly.]

JK: This is going to be long folks, we have a lot of wrapping up to do and no big final showdown _match_ to help fill the time. Sorry in advance and I hope nobody nods off as a result of my rambling.

[Another clearing of the throat and Jack seems to find his place, mentally.]

JK: When they told me what the final challenge was, well, I knew it would be an uphill battle from the get-go. So, I'll keep it as civil and humble as I can and, in turn, I hope you all will keep an open mind.

You know me as the hapless announcer character who “didn't know” that he was actually competing. I took pratfalls and used that low profile to my advantage. The funny thing about my initial role as announcer is that I've actually done that quite a bit in the past. I'm really an announcer! But that's neither here nor there...

My point is that, why would you, any of you, vote to get rid of a man who couldn't possibly beat you? Dishonest? Yes. But, you see, this isn't a locker room. This isn't some wrestling fraternity or sorority. This is a reality TV show.

[Jack pulls a flask from the lining of his jacket, takes a swig, then continues, his nerves, seemingly, steadied by it's contents.]

JK: Reality TV is all about the backstabbing antics of poorly-behaved bitches and bastards, pardon my language, acting in un-intellectual and illogical ways. In order to win one has to behave as badly as and as sneakily as possible, and, in general, be pretty freakin' mean.

[Grimacing slightly, Jack throws up his hands, turning around as he paces.]

JK: So, while it would have made total sense for me to treat a man who is, ostensibly, my family's greatest foil with disdain, that would simply have made me a target. Why be a target? There's no benefit in it. Also ... I'm pretty sure he could've kicked my ass.

Simon, honestly, you know you were going to screw me over. I just did it first. Don't fault me for being quicker to the draw. Applaud it. I would if our positions were reversed. Hey, if I don't benefit from this I might wind up just like my cousin Jason! I know you don't want that, now do you? Also, well, I am the one who kicked you to the curb, no offense, and if I lose then you lost ... to a loser. Isn't it better to lose to a winner? If I take number 1, well, a case could be made for you being number 2.

If I lose, well, number 3 at best, buddy. Better to lose to a winner than to a loser.

[His eyes darting around, obviously nervous, Jack takes another swig of liquid courage.]

JK: And then there's Keisha Love. K-Love, you did really good. If I didn't think it'd get me slapped I'd say I was proud of you. I just want to let you know that I always told the truth about our alliance. Simon would've eliminated me if I hadn't eliminated him first, with nothing to gain, I'm sure he'll admit it now. I honestly thought that I could keep you while bringing McCabe into the fold. Probably the most idealistic thought I've had in awhile.

If we both could've won the competition, well, I would've certainly tried for that, but only one person gets to win. We shared something special, honey, and I genuinely hope one of my five daughters grows up to be just like you.

[Growing increasingly confident (possibly as the result of his contraband liquor) Jack's movements become looser and more fluid.]

JK: Which, of course, brings me to Kevin McCabe. Kevin, I don't know what to say other than “If I lose, you lose”. We have a verbal contract that binds us, financially, but is null and void if I don't have a prize to split. Keep that in mind...

Heck, you might even want to think about bending everyone else's ear; maybe convince them to vote for me. I'm just saying.

[Continuing to pace, Jack shakes his head.]

JK: And let's not forget the American Freebear. Such an ... interesting guy. To be truthful I talked more trash about you than anyone and made our differences all about food. If you didn't know we had a problem, well, now you do. It was manufactured, however and, if anything, I was jealous of your ability to fly. As a 20-year veteran journeyman grappler in his midding years, as you might imagine, I don't jump around too much.

So there it is. I don't expect you'll vote for me but if you do ... I'll be your friend.

[Chuckle. Chuckle chuckle. Another sip of liquid courage.]

JK: Let's see here. Who's next? Susie Machina! You're ... pretty sneaky. Yes, sneaky. While a lot of people didn't really get into the spirit of the competition, I really felt that you and I were playing the same game. You can bet that I saw you as a threat out there.

[Sigh. Oh yes, he's relaxed now.]

JK: Ikuto Nagashima, hey, you weren't around very long so I don't have much to say. Uhm ... hey buddy, I never voted against you. Can Gabby Riopaah say the same? Honestly, I don't know. Just for the sake of argument, let's say “no”. Uhm ... that's all.

Other Asian guy; Yummo or something, I think, to my knowledge you never said anything before, not even to avoid being the first elimination in TDW. I don't imagine you'll be breaking that streak now.

Well hey, I think I've covered everyone. There you have it. There is my well-considered argument for why I should win the big TDW prize. Now ... for my promo. That's right, everything up to now has been merely prelude!

[Deep breath. Jack smirks a little and puts his hands on his hips.]

JK: You wanna know why Jack Keening made it to the top? Twenty years, TWENTY YEARS I clawed my way up the rungs of professional wrestling. I didn't learn this trade from my uncle Ken Keening, my many wrestling cousins, nobody. I learned wrestling the way Catch Wrestlers learned back in the Carnival days; by doing!

[Roughing up his hair and shifting his weight from foot to foot Jack tries his best to look like a boxer in spite of his ragged appearance.]

JK: When I came into this competition I did so to win by any means necessary. To do anything else would be foolish. I didn't do it for money but rather to deeper etch the name “Keening” on the great stone wall that is wrestling's history!

That being said; if you vote for Gabby you get nothing but anyone voting for me gets an equal share of the prize after McCabe takes his half. I don't need it! I'm majority stockholder in a publicly-traded corporation! Insert catchphrase here. I'm out.

[His abrupt blurting of his true method of winning the competition done, Jack walks briskly away.]

{And then we cut back to Raymond Elbert and the voting panel.]

RE: Well, there you have it... Gabby and Jack spending their time blubbering about whatever, all in the hopes of being that lucky person who doesn't deserve a damn dollar they are getting. The way I see it...

[Raymond stops because now, entering the library, would be Randy Grant. He looks unshaven, hair mussed up and like he hasn't showered, and his clothes have been quickly thrown on. Behind him are Jack Keening and Gabby RioPaah, both looking somewhat amused.]

RG: What the hell is going on here?!

RE: I'm doing what I should have been doing all along... running the show! You never show any appreciation for my duties!

RG: Hey, if it wasn't for me, you still be sitting on your couch at home feeling sorry for yourself! Besides, you know I'm the one with more charisma.

RE: Charisma? Right now, you have about as much charisma as drying paint!

RG: Well, if somebody hadn't unplugged my alarm clock, I might be able to do my job and do it with the commanding presence I always have!

RE: Alarm clock? Not my fault, pal.

RG: And these people... you know they were all supposed to gather in the cafeteria for this, not the library!

RE: Well, I thought it would be nice to shake things up and...

RG: Yeah, shake things up so you have our final two contestants waiting around, wondering what the heck is going on, while I oversleep and can't run the show!

RE: And that's where I come in... to show everyone how well I can run this operation.

RG: Well, I'm back in charge and it's gonna stay that way... as for you... you're fired.

RE: WHAT?!

RG: You heard me... hit the road! We didn't really need a referee to begin with... all you are good for is to look the other way while somebody does something behind your back!

RE: You know what... fine! I haven't gotten paid a day I've worked! Have a ball... just don't expect me to bail you out if you get into trouble!

[With that, he storms out of the room. Evidently this relationship wasn't all it was cracked up to be.]

RG: Trouble... I've got this whole situation under control.

[He clears his throat.]

RG: Anyway... I guess you all have had the particulars set forward for how this is going to go down.

You heard these two and their pleas... now the time comes to let us all know who you believe should get the nod, and do so via secret ballot.

You can see you've got your little boxes put in front of you... although Raymond took everything apart in the cafeteria and put it here in the library instead, so who knows how well everything is working.

[He then motions over to a big box that was set up near the front of the room.]

RG: And right there, I will tally up the votes and reveal the winner of these prizes.

[Did we mention Randy was carrying a pair of briefcases? Well, he is.]

RG: The first of these cases holds one million dollars... the other case holds the coveted Total Drama Wrestling World championship belt!

[After which, he sets those cases up on the table near the front... both are opened, and sure enough, the contents can be seen. He pulls the belt out of its case, while closing up the case with the money.]

RG: So, Gabby and Jack... have a seat... time to decide your fate!

[And time to cue... DRAMATIC MUSIC!

As the camera focuses on each of the eliminated contestants, mulling their decision.

Some, such as Kevin McCabe, are quick to make their selection.

Others, like Keisha Love, spending a little more time mulling it over.

None of them, though, are playing it up for the cameras.

Well, maybe Simon O'Neal is... actually, that's just the icy glare he's sending Jack Keening's way.

To which Jack just shrugs.

And all the while, that cheesy dramatic music plays.

Randy monitors the voting... and then, makes his announcement.]

RG: And now, to announce the winner of Total Drama Wrestling.

[But before any more dramatic music can play.]

"Hold up."

[It's Simon O'Neal, who stands up from his seat.]

RG: Hey now.. you are ruining the moment!

[Simon ignores that remark.]

SO: You know, Gabby... nice speech. Humorous- I laughed. But it wasn't a real good pitch. Really, that's how you've played the game- never trying too hard, letting everyone else take each other out. Give you credit, it worked. But I'm still wondering if I should reward you for staying out of the line of fire.

[Simon then turns to Jack]

SO: Jack, Jack, Jack... also a good speech. You appealed to my pride and vanity. Smart move. You also appealed to my financial well-being. Also smart... though really, half to McCabe? Poor choice of partners there. But then you said something that really got to me. You mentioned that you weren't in it for the money. That you were in for the sake of the Keening family name. And you reminded me of something very, very important.

[Simon stares right at Jack]

SO: I don't like the Keenings. They're annoying, and obnoxious, and you're just as bad as they are. You- and the rest of your mongrel clan- can go to hell.

[Simon then looks over at RioPaah.]

SO: Congratulations on the prize.

[We cut to Randy, who looks none too happy.]

RG: Dude, you are ruining everything! Why did you have to reveal your...

[Randy never gets to finish that sentence as, apparently, Kevin McCabe has heard enough from Simon. He jumps after O'Neal and the fight is on. American Freebear is then next to rise.. one can only guess he just wants the chance at some action, although he may not like McCabe, either. Certainly he's not doing this to help O'Neal.]

RG: We need security! Security! Se... wait a minute, we don't have security!

[And now Yano has gotten up, trying to restore order, as the quartert now end up making their way over to where Jack and Gabby are standing. Gabby apparently decides it's time to get to brawling, despite a winner not yet having been announced. That's enough to get Keisha to rise up from her seat. Meanwhile, Jack scrambles away...

...right into Randy Grant, who gets knocked over the tables and onto the floor.

And in all the confusion, the brawling wrestlers bump into a bookshelf, causing it to toppple right onto the TDW host. We can only hear muffled grunts from underneath the pile of books.

Meanwhile, we now take you to the security room, where Raymond Elbert happens to be. Looks like he's been watching this all on the monitor. He can only chuckle.]

RE: So... who needs a referee, huh? Hey, we could have been reasonable... I finish the hosting job, Randy breaks out the tasers to keep 'em under control and none of that ever happens.

[A snicker.

And then a pause... and yes, we are waiting for some important information.]

RE: Oh yeah.... the winner. Well, you are all lucky as I happen to have the backup to the voting machine right up here.

And the votes were in favor of...

[Cue...

the...

final...

roll...

of...

dramatic...

music!]

RE: Jack Keening is your winner!

Of course, it doesn't look like he's going to get enjoy the benefits of victory... then again, knowing how sneaky is, he probably hightailed it out with the goods in the middle of everything. At least he won the damn thing, so he can't say he's stealing anything.

As for what's happening down there now?

[Let's look at the security camera shot... and yep, the wrestlers are still going at it. Although we can now hear the shouting of Randy, evidently still trapped underneath the books.]

RG: Where the hell is Raymond Elbert?!

[Well, let's go back to Raymond.]

RE: Hey, I got fired... not my problem any more.

Hell, I shouldn't have to do this job of calling the action, but hey, we gotta wrap the show up somehow.

So I'll just say that we've come to the end of the road, right here on Total Drama Wrestling!

[He then walks off camera, but the shot does not fade. Instead, we hear Raymond off camera.]

RE: The door's jammed... what the hell? I can't get out! What's going on...

[Whoever is operating the camera doesn't appear to care, as the shot just simply zooms toward the security camera shot of everyone brawling in the library...

...and we fade out.]
"Just as I discovered the meaning of life, it changed." -- George Carlin
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crimsonjoe
The Luther Burger
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Great job to everyone... Bob for running it, and both Jack Keening and Gabby were a deserving final two!

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Mozeart
Member Avatar
Sheik-ee, Sheik-ee, give me your answer do...
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
crimsonjoe,May 30 2010
12:06 PM
Great job to everyone... Bob for running it, and both Jack Keening and Gabby were a deserving final two!

JK: Simon O'Neal can suck it!
And it was at this moment that the entire world realized, in unison, that tandem bicycles were AWESOME~!
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Amor
Vannesa
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Shit, I was just about to vote for this! Really!

Anyway, congrats to Jack Keening, and thanks to Bob for a fun ride.
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Smartypants101
Merle
[ *  *  * ]
Yes, a shout out to Bob for a great ride and really fun experience. And congrats to our winner and runner-up.

Also, a HUGE thanks to Moze and Mike for being awesome "partners in crime"

And a thanks to all of the other handlers too!
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