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| (HoW) Pro-Wrestling Classics #!.; Two fogies argue over old matches. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 5 2010, 11:00 PM (270 Views) | |
| Mozeart | Jun 5 2010, 11:00 PM Post #1 |
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Sheik-ee, Sheik-ee, give me your answer do...
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[A portion of Wagner's “Flight of the Valkyries” plays as a title belt logo appears onscreen-- ____________________________________ | Pro-Wrestling Classics | | __________on__________ | | /________SSN__2________\ | |-----//__ _ ___ ___ ___\\-----| | ||| \| |/ _ \ / __/ / _ \|| | | ||| \ | |_| | / _| / \/|| | |o o ||| \ | _ | \_\ | \_/\|| o o| | |||_|\__|_| |_|\____|\___/|| | | North American Grappling Council | |-----\\______________________//-----| |______\______________________/______| --then this fades away, a studio setting where two older gentlemen sit behind a large desk.] JB: Hello wrestling fans and welcome to Pro-Wrestling Classics on SSN2. Jack Britain here alongside my old friend Bart Batterson. BB: Hey. Yeah, I'm Bart Batterson alright. You might know me as the old man who butted heads with Tony Cameron in UEW. JB: Ah yes, UEW again. BB: Hey, a guy hit me with a car door soaked in maple syrup! You know how hard it is to get maple syrup out of a hirsute man's back hair? JB: Nooo...? BB: Pretty damned hard! JB: Fans, this program is a throwback to a simpler time. Before Wrestling was a worldwide phenomenon controlled by the very few. Ironically, this “old-school style” is being demonstrated by a multinational conglomerate who has bought up dozens of closed regional promotions' old tape libraries. BB: Coming soon; SSN 5 presents UEW Classic. JB: Although some might argue that it was more UWF that killed the NAGC in the middle part of the 1990's, I'm sure that UEW played some hand. BB: Damned straight. JB: Tonight folks, we're bringing you some of the classic action from January 1979 in the Graceland Grappling Organization out of Memphis, Tennessee. Four great matches. BB: We worked all over the North American Grappling Council ourselves back in the day, so don't be surprised to see younger versions of us running around. JB: But for now the focus is on the old GGO. First up we have “Beautiful” Beaurigard taking on The Animal. BB: Yeah, I remember these guys. Beaurigard was a fake fruit and the Animal was biting on John Belushi in that movie. [Cut to show an old, grainy graphic laid over the video of a wrestling arena. “Beautiful” Beaurigard” -vs- The Animal. A man in a black suit goes on to announce the same before a lanky, powerful individual in ladies makeup casts aside his feather boa to collide with a tubby beast in the center of the ring.] JB: The Animal was a real beast back in his day. BB: And Beaurigard trained with Chuck Norris. So this should be interesting. [Animal tosses Beaurigard around the ring, into the turnbuckles, slammed on the mat and etcetera for the first few minutes of the contest. An eye rake and savate kick reverses the momentum, and Beaurigard takes control with a variety of martial arts maneuvers.] BB: Beau was a tough guy, it's just too bad that he had to go for shock value with his gear. JB: Fans, remember that this is 1979, and so crossdressing is still shocking. Not like today when half the men on the street look like ... well, like Beaurigard here. [Animal looks helpless for several minutes, barely kicking out from the abuse handed him, but mounts a comeback after catching a kick, and press-slamming Beau down in the center of the ring. Going to the corner, he prepares to charge!] BB: See here, he's going for the Animal Pounce, a big cross-body. JB: Considered deadly in it's-- [And the Animal misses, horribly, as Beau drops back down after standing.] JB: --day when he doesn't miss! Animal up, SUPERKICK, and Beau goes for the cover! [1, 2, 3 and the referee raises Beaurigard's hand. The crowd boos, angrily, some throwing drinks. Beau just blows kisses and waves his feather boa at them in friendly greeting. Back to the studio.] BB: Did I mention Animal was stupid? He based his gimmick on the movie Animal House, and, well, drank himself into the role, then to an early death in 1988. JB: Sad. BB: And stupid. JB: Okay, moving on. Here we have a staple of GGO, the Holiday Fantom. BB: Oh geez, that idiot? JB: Bart, the Fantom embodies the creepy side of all our holidays. Halloween, uhm, the history of Thanksgiving we all want to ignore, Christmas Future-- BB: He was a seven-foot-tall doofus in a bodystocking that the brass slapped a costume on. JB: He would've done just fine without the costume. They just felt he needed some snazzing up. BB: Okay, so he's boring? Just let the man fight! JB: And you wonder why you never got to be world champion in this business. BB: Held back. My whole life. Definitely. JB: Here we go folks. The Fantom worked this match as a fan favorite, which is unusual, but his opponent was the vile Jesse Presley. Presley claimed to be the stillborn twin of Elvis Presley which was very bad mostly because ... well, Elvis really did have a stillborn identical twin brother. BB: You don't know that wasn't him! JB: I saw the guy's driver's license, Bart. BB: You really are a killjoy, you know that? [Graphic. The Holiday Fantom -vs- Jesse Presley Presley comes out first, wearing Vegas-era solid black Elvis duds with his blond hair done up in a pompadour.] JB: You can't hear him very well because he's not mic'ed, folks, but I believe that Jesse is singing "Blue Christmas", a holiday song performed, famously, by Elvis himself. [Suddenly, from the back comes a pumpkin-masked giant in a green Christmas tree outfit and Pilgrim's hat.] BB: Oh God it's that version of the costume? JB: Here comes the Fantom! And Presley is terrified! [Entering the ring, the Fantom has to wait as Presley circles the ring, trying to leave. Security stops him, informing him that he has to wrestle. There's an argument as GGO president Jeffrey Rockford comes out from the back. The middle-aged man threatens to fire Presley if he doesn't get in the ring. He invokes the fans and they cheer, many shouting "get in there!" at Jesse. Finally screwing up his nerve, Jesse dives into the ring, and is immediately set upon by the Fantom. The bell rings, and he's getting kicked, stomped, and repeatedly punched down to the mat.] JB: Presley not starting out too well. BB: Of course not. Any time you have a guy that big it's an uphill battle. He has to make up for being 70 pounds lighter than that freak. [In the ring, Presley begs for his life in the corner as the Fantom beats him in the abdomen without mercy.] JB: The Fantom isn't _that_ big. Just 6'9" and 270. BB: Oh, sure you'd say that, you were Mr. Olympia back in the day! JB: I never entered that competition. BB: Who said anything about a competition!? [The beating continues, and it's bad. Jesse begs for his life. Finally, however, he falls to his stomach as the Fantom clocks the Ref with a clothesline. Stunned by this turn of events, the Fantom never sees the kick to his groin coming (from behind no less). In the meantime, Jesse's found his guitar and proceeds to EXPLODE it over the Fantom's head. The ref, naturally, is perfectly recovered as Jesse covers. The crowd, rabid for Jesse's blood, turn furious, and it's all security can do to keep the fans back from him as he flees for his life, cups of beer pelting him the whole way.] JB: Disgusting display. BB: Hey, that goof got what was coming to him. JB: Moving on... [Cut back to the studio.] JB: And now it's time for a classic tag team contest between the Deep South Avalanche and the Headmen. BB: You might remember the DSA's hippy music from that '70s show or a high-school dance where the theme was “Before You Were Born”. JB: For God's sake, Bart, not all wrestling fans are teenagers! BB: But a lot of 'em are under 30, and this *BLEEP* is 31 years old. JB: Oh, well, still, stop mocking them. BB: No promises. JB: The Headmen were dangerous in-ring combatants who could be considered precursors to the Killing Machines, Prophets of Rage and other rough-and-tumble teams. BB: They were generic masked men. JB: You are so _negative_! [Graphic. GGO Tag Team Championship bout Deep South Avalanche © (“Rockin'” Bobby Hunt and “Rollin'” Jimmy Gallows) -vs- The Headmen (Headman I and Headman II). As the match begins, Headman I starts off against Hunt.] [Prior to the match, the DSA cut a backroom promo against the GGO backdrop. The grainy video does them no favors as they rant and rave about how they'll take the Headmen's heads off with their “axes” while gesturing as if to chop with their electric and base guitars respectively. Two “rock and roll gestures later and the view immediately cuts down to the ring.] JB: Look at that Headman. For the time, he was considered to be a big man, 6 and a half feet and 250, and Hunt here is much more typical at under 6 feet and 200 pounds. BB: Which one is that? One or two? JB: I'd really have to see them shoulder-to-shoulder to tell... [Hunt and the Headman circle one another, looking to lock up. Hunt is immediately pressed back into the corner, the Headman feigning to make a clean break before landing a cheap shot to the jaw. An irish whip into the corner followed by a clothesline attempt results in Hunt dodging and hitting a number of knife-edge chops before being shoved to the mat.] JB: Lockup again, Hunt pressed into the Headmen's corner, and a tag in to the other Headman. [Quickly both Headmen beat Hunt down, hitting left and right hammer blows to bring him to his knees. Dominance begins as Hunt is tossed, slammed, clotheslined, elbowdropped and finally hit with a heavy powerslam. BB: There's a 2-count. Couple of big, rough bears in there. Hunt needs to get Gallows into that ring. [Hunt takes a chinlock that lasts a few minutes, with the crowd rooting for him the entire way. Gallows pumps his fist, getting the crowd behind his partner. Finally, Hunt fights free, but the Headman grabs him by the hair. The referee counts to 5 as Hunt grabs onto the top rope, grabs the Headman's wrist with his other hand, and backflips! Face pop!] BB: It's a little too fancy for my tastes, but great escape. The Headman's wrist is goosenecked and here comes Gallows! [What follows is a clinic on how to perform the armwringer. Gallows takes it forward, back, double-over to flip the man, pulls him up, then hits a back trip to get the Headman down with a top wristlock. He's screaming in pain, and goes for Gallows' hair when the ref gets down to ask if he wants to submit. This happens two more times, the ref threatening a DQ both times, and finally Gallows switches to a headlock and starts ripping away at the Headsman's mask! Shockingly, the mask comes off! Gallows waves it around for the crowd to see, then tosses it to the fans. The other Headsman comes in fresh off the hot tag, gets hit with a drop toehold and Hunt, already on the top, leaps off with a legdrop! The count is elementary as the other Headsman is concealing his face with an arm and begging for his mask back from the fan that caught it.] JB: A little bit of the Headsmen's own medicine and the Deep South Avalanche gets the Duke! BB: You can't deny DSA's mastery of the fundamentals. That Gallows character, in particular, had his act together. JB: The Avalanche retain their belts, which brings us to our Main Event! If one group of men terrorized Memphis in the late 1970's, early '80s it would have to be Don Weissmüller and his cronies; Furnas and von Tripp. BB: Hey, you may not like them-- JB: Weissmüller ran my mother down on live TV then distracted the ref while his crew triple teamed me on the outside during our match. BB: Way to interrupt. They got the job done, Jack. Weissmüller was a world class talent who not only held the GGO Heavyweight Championship 5 times but he even took the Council's World Title and held it for almost a year in 1985-86. That's damned impressive. JB: No denying that, but the guy took shortcuts. BB: Didn't we all? JB: Not me. BB: And that's why you're here. JB: What's your excuse? BB: Held back all my life by the Man. JB: Moving on. Folks, here it is, our Main Event, the European Union taking on the HillJacks. [Graphic. European Union ("Lord" Donald Alexander Weissmüller and "Blitzkrieg" Hans von Tripp with Daughtreve) -vs- The Hilljacks (Uncle Cousin and "Clubfoot" Jenkins). As we cut to the classic footage, Weissmüller, a statuesque figure exuding class looks resplendant in his robes. Dressed as a circus strongman, von Tripp looks like he could rip a phonebook, or a wrestling fan, in half.] JB: Interesting fact; Weissmüller used the name "European Union" many years before that was actually a multinational organization. [On the other side of the ring Uncle Cousin, a 500-pound with a significant height advantage stands in tattered overalls stands beside an average, if scruffy, individual with a horribly deformed foot made of knobby lumps.] BB: And Uncle Cousin was among the biggest men in the ring. Six-eight and 420. I fought the guy one time Jack, and I'll tell you, I never want to do that again. JB: Cousin, sadly, passed away almost five years ago. BB: Guess I won the long game, huh? JB: Bart! BB: Ah, pipe down. How about that "Clubfoot" Jenkins? The guy had a 20-plus-year career based on having a deformed foot. That kick of his hurt like a bitch though. [In the ring, brushing off the referee and his opponents, Weissmüller decried the west's lack of culture, calling it the "New World" and the "Savage Frontier". Giving his robe to his manservant, Daughtreve, Weissmüller angrily shouted at Uncle Cousin for his "barbaric" attack on his protege, young Cecil Furnas, which necessitated his teaming with his man von Tripp instead of taking the night off.] BB: For the kids at home; Weissmüller's the leader of this stable and doesn't really do tag matches. The tagteam is von Tripp and Furnas. JB: I think the fans can figure that out by what Weissmüller is saying, Bart. BB: You have more faith in 'em than I do, Jack. [Finally, Weissmüller drops the microphone into the ring announcer's grasp and is handed a damp cloth to wash his hands with. The mic, apparently, is dirty. The bell rings and von Tripp starts out against Uncle Cousin. The pair lock up and, although his rippling muscles allow him to push Cousin back momentarily, Hans is spun into the corner. One overhand slap on von Tripp and Cousin stalks after the now staggering German. This process repeats itself twice before Von Tripp slips out under Cousin's swinging arm and hits a single leg takedown that staggers Cousin into the turnbuckle. Dragging the stunned fat man out to the center of the ring, von Tripp drops several elbows on the big guy's knee before tagging out to Weissmüller. Weissmüller does repeated spinning toe holds, running laps around Cousin's torque'd leg before stopping to bend down and berate him. This gives Cousin the chance to hit a jab that floors the "European Chairman". Staggering to his feet, Cousin buffets Weissmüller around the ring for several minutes using rough brawling maneuvers before tagging Clubfoot in. Using the same tactics, Clubfoot fails to be as devastating against Weissmüller who, after absorbing some punishment, hits a German Suplex that turns Jenkins inside out. A big deal at the time, and Weissmüller's finisher, Weissmüller struts for a moment before stepping on Jenkins' chest for the pin. Clearly done in by that single maneuver, Jenkins is clearly not getting up, but Uncle Cousin, who started getting in right after the suplex, hits and Avalanche on the obnoxious man from the entire continent of Europe.] JB: It's mass chaos in the ring as Uncle Cousin is forced back to his corner by the referee. [Clapping his hands, Weissmüller dives to the apron and von Tripp enters. Applying a Stepover Toehold, he then pulls back on both Jenkins' wrists, causing the young Hilljack to scream in agony.] BB: Brutal catch hold, and listen to him squeal. JB: Seems to me that von Tripp could end this match Bart. BB: Yeah, Jenkins was never the strong link in his team, and when the 'Union butted heads with the Hilljacks, it was Jenkins against Furnas and von Tripp against Cousin, otherwise the match would end too quickly. [Letting him up, von Tripp hit a number of European Uppercuts on the hick before hurling him through the air with a gutwrench suplex.] JB: Von Tripp with the cover, and--almost! I can't believe Jenkins kicked out! BB: Neither can anybody else. [Gutwrenching him up again, von Tripp tries for the Gotterdammarung, his gutwrench/gutbuster finisher, but Jenkins is caught by Cousin. Dropping down with the maneuver, with nothing to counterbalance his weight, von Tripp falls on his back as Jenkins is powerslammed on top of him! Face pop!] JB: UNBELIEVABLE maneuver! BB: Uncle Cousin going after Weissmüller, and the referee's counting! 1! 2! 3!? JB: No, wait, it's Weissmüller's man Daughtreve! He's pulled the referee out of the ring! The ref's ordering him away from the ringside area, but the action's still going on inside! [Stunned on the apron, Jenkins never sees Cecil Furnas until it's too late. Pulling him down by the ankles, Furnas then jumps on Jenkins with a Double Stomp before ducking down behind the apron. Meanwhile, in the ring, von Tripp has Uncle Cousin around the waist, but can't quite pick him up. That is until Weissmüller grabs him too, and Cousin is dropped across von Tripp's knee!] JB: GOTTERDAMMARUNG! Weissmüller covers! He's not the legal man! [Daughtreve has left, so the ref turns his attention back to the action. He counts three without ever realizing what's going on.] BB: That's the end. European Union take the duke. This was payback for Cousin smooshing Furnas. JB: Who is clearly fine in spite of his supposed injury. BB: Hey, any excuse to weigh the odds in your favor. JB: Fans, that's our show. BB: That's it? JB: We only get an hour, Bart. Until next time, this has been Pro-Wrestling Classics and for Bart Batterson this is Jack Britain. Goodnight! --- A Strickland Sports Company, © 2010 RTN International. All rights reserved. |
| And it was at this moment that the entire world realized, in unison, that tandem bicycles were AWESOME~! | |
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7:23 PM Jul 10