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| HUGELive~! 11/30/2010.; Leadup to Tournament Finals! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 30 2010, 09:59 PM (275 Views) | |
| Mozeart | Nov 30 2010, 09:59 PM Post #1 |
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Sheik-ee, Sheik-ee, give me your answer do...
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[It's 8:30pm. Chatterbox ended prematurely with a HUGE signature rough cut. The screen is still black as the rapid, militaristic pounding of a snare drum sounds out the instrumental openings of "Rise" by Bobaflex. Standing in silhouette, a single, muscular figure slowly lifts his head towards a spotlight shining in the ceiling. Pan to his side; it's Antonio Morientes.] #Rise,# #fight or die.# #Rise,# [Cut. Tre Jordan flees the Spectre's wrath.] #it's my battle-cry.# #Rise,# #fight or die...# [Cut. The gigantic Kobus de Vries powerslams the also large Kerry Ryan, shaking the ring so hard the referee falls over.] #Make you, break you,# #what's that sound?# #Another little Hitler tries to bring me down.# [Preston Mayfield as Tracy Hudson Mask pummels HUGE GM Barney Johnson with a censored and oversized sex toy.] #He speaks a lot like me,# #play by the rules or we'll break your knees.# ["Mad Dog" Valentine lands a nasty brainbuster DDT on jobber Tony Blake.] #I CAN'T TAKE IT!# [Back to Morientes, who stares up at the light, enraptured.] #In the back of my head try to tell me what to do again.# #I CAN'T FAKE IT!# #Finger on the trigger try to make me play the fool again.# [Gigantically fat, "Twinkletoes" Tiwilliger drops a fat leg across the throat of some hapless victim.] #NO!# [Morientes thrusts a fist into the air.] #NO!# [Valentine has his hand raised in victory.# #NO!# [Leering at the camera through his plastic mask, Preston Mayfield waggles his blurred rubber thing at HUGE's fans.] #I GOTTA RISE!# [Miguel Quesada strides confidently down the entrance ramp, the fans lose their minds.] #FIGHT OR DIE!# #RISE!# #IT'S MY BATTLE-CRY!# [Tre Jordan, bloodied, trades punches with a larger man in an oversized rubber muscle suit (Vince Viper).] #RISE!# #FIGHT OR DIE!# #You can't break me.# #RISE!# [Logan Foley smashes a guitar through a drumset then starts kicking pieces of musical equipment out of the HUGE ring.] #FIGHT OR DIE!# #RISE!# #IT'S MY BATTLE-CRY!# [Antonio Morientes bounces off the ropes, hitting St. Amuro on jobber "Private" Glen Peeps.] #RISE!# #FIGHT OR DIE!# #I won't fall in line I'm not your kind...# [A gunmetal grey, white and blue logo is violently stamped onto the screen and we fade to the HUGE studio.] .____________________________________________. | _ _ _ _ ___________ | | / / / / | | | / __ \ ____\ | | / / / /| | | || | \_\ \ | | / /_/ / | | | || | __ \ \___ | | / __ / | | | || | | | \ __\ | | / / / / | |_| || | | | \ \ | | / / / / | || |__| | \ \____ | | /_/ /_/ O \___/O \____/O _\_____\_O | | /_ | / \ | | Hellfire's Ultimate Grappling < < | O | | | \\Excitement Version 3.0.// /___\O \___/ | |--------------------------------------------| | Now in glorious on-line 720p, 16X9 HD! | '--------------------------------------------' *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [The clean cut Barney Johnson sits with the long-haired hipster "DJ Har-V" Harvey Jenkins.] BJ: Welcome back fans. For those of you just joining us-- DJHV: You missed Chatterbox, the most awesome TV show HUGE has! BJ: You're just saying that because you host it solo. DJHV: Hey man, I got the heavy burden, I deserve the hype. BJ: Burden? You know, I thought you wanted to go solo. I could host the show with you... DJHV: Whoa, uh, not necessary Barn. BJ: Or replace you! I bet any of the FORGE instructors would be happy to step in. DJHV: Okay, you win, just drop it. [Looking back to camera, smugly, Barney continues.] BJ: For those of you just joining us, welcome to HUGELive~!, the most ... unique hour of professional wrestling on television today. As Harvey just said, Chatterbox, HUGE's sounding board has just ended, and now it's time for some real action on HUGE's flagship program. As you may know, HUGE is in the midst of a Heavyweight Title Tournament. Here are the brackets. [Graphic on screen!] ___________________________________________________ Tiwilliger | | | ----vs------|Tiwilliger | | Jordan |-----------| | ------------ | | vs |-----------| | Foley | | | | ----vs------| Valentine | | | Valentine |-----------| | | ------------ | | vs |------------| | Quesada | | | ----vs------| Quesada | | Mayfield |-----------| | | ----------- | | | vs |-----------| | Morientes | | | ----vs------| Morientes | | de Vries |-----------| | ------------ | _________________________________________________ | Quarterfinal| semifinal | final | WINNER! | | --------------------------------------------------- [Back to the boys in the studio.] DJHV: How many times you used that bracket now? BJ: At least six. As we can see here, in the Semifinal round, upcoming, we have Miguel Quesada taking on Antonio Morientes. DJHV: I gotta go with Miggy on this one. Both guys kinda suck up to folks which I don't dig but y'know what? I see Quesada as someone willing to do whatever it takes. Tony? He gets guilt sweats when he uses a closed fist. BJ: Since we opened the doors here at HUGE I don't think we've seen anybody with more heart than Antonio Morientes. He's tough, he's strong and he's skilled. I don't think there's any way you could count him out of any contest. DJHV: Then there's Twinkletoes takin' on Valentine again. BJ: I know that "Mad Dog" has been clamoring for this rematch since Tiwilliger slipped one by him back in spring. I'm guessing you're going with Tiwilliger? DJHV: Uh, I ain't sure. I mean, Christ, Valentine slammed Twinkletoes, man! The reason nobody's been able to beat him yet is 'cause nobody can move him! I guess I gotta give the 'Dog the edge here. BJ: Really? That's a surprise. Well, I guess I'll play Devil's advocate here. Tiwilliger has the size, yes, definitely not the strength but he certainly has an easier time moving Mad Dog than vice versa. We've seen that much. I think what really swings it in Tiwilliger's favor, however, is Clean Living. I'm a little fuzzy on who the members of this group are but, in addition to Tiwilliger himself, we have Preston Mayfield and that ... chef guy. At least! DJHV: That's somethin' yeah, but that ain't yet. BJ: True enough, Harvey. First on the docket we have Logan Foley meeting Tre Jordan in an exhibition match. *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* ["Surrender" by the Dropkick Murphys hits the PA as the surly Irishman stalks and sneers his way down the aisle to the ring. The fans boo slightly for this rough and sneaky fighter.] =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= Tre Jordan -vs- "Celtic Gentleman" Logan Foley =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= [Foley rolls into the ring, leans out over the top rope, and talks some trash while pointing at the camera.] DJHV: Yo, people, first up comin' on down is a man from Dublin, Ireland! He's 243 pounds and calls himself "the Celtic Gentleman". This is LOGAN FOLEY! [The reverb of "Plowed" hits the PA system as the fans erupt for the fan favorite, Tre Jordan. The guitar solo that opens the song also is a cue as Jordan comes out from the back. He's shaking his head quite a bit, adding to his show of annoyance by putting his hands on his hips. This is clearly not the match he believes he should be in. But being the trooper that he is, Jordan begins a walk to the ring. Fans reach out, touching his arms, but Jordan doesn't do much to shake their hands. His slow walk finally ends as he reaches the ring. He rolls into it and gets to his feet with little excitement as he waits for the bell.] DJHV: And comin' next is the guy he's gonna beat up! This guy's a whole 220 pounds, soakin' wet, straight out of the shower. He's from "Treronto", Ontario which means, that's right, he admits to being from Canada. This is TRE JORDAN! *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Cuts to early on in the match. Jordan and Foley circle around one another then lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Both men push each other aggressively but Foley wins out and pushes Jordan up against the ropes. Referee Freddy Jacobs calls for a clean break. Foley gives the break, his hands up in the air then he goes for a headbutt out of nowhere but Tre moves out of the way with lightning quickness! Foley spins around and Jordan goes for a hip toss but Logan blocks it and goes for a short clothesline but Tre ducks that!] BJ: Nice exchange. DJHV: What you talkin' about? Ain't nothin' happened yet man. [Both men eye each other cautiously then they go to lock up again! Foley again wins out and pushes Jordan into a corner. Referee Jacobs calls for the clean break and puts a count on Logan. The Irishman puts his hands up and steps back quickly but then fires off a right hand but Jordan blocks it! Jordan tries to fire a punch of his own but Logan blocks that! Both men basically growl at one another until Jacobs inserts himself in between them and orders Foley to step back! Jacobs warns both men about the right hands and they nod their heads at him but don't seem to really mean it. As Jacobs steps aside both men charge at each other. Collar-and-elbow tie up and the expected result occurs as Foley pushes Jordan into the corner. Jacobs calls for the break and once again Caleb Foley's older brother puts his arms up and steps back as if giving the clean break but just like the other times he goes for the cheap shot yet again, but Jordan ducks. Foley's momentum takes him into the corner and he receives a nice roundhouse kick to the face when he spins around!] BJ: Jordan with the hard impact and Foley goes down! *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [We cut to a bit later in the match. Jordan is cranking a side headlock on Foley. Logan pushes Tre against the ropes and uses them to push Jordan off of him and whip him to the ropes. Foley charges with a clothesline but Tre ducks the blow! Both men bounce off the ropes and Foley tries for another clothesline but again Jordan ducks the swinging clothesline! Logan puts the brakes on and stumbles a bit and spins around as Tre runs off the ropes, does a bit of Rolling Thunder and then pops up with a clothesline flooring Foley! Tre scrambles to his feet and hits a standing moonsault! Spectacular! But before Jacobs can get into position to make a count Foley has shoved Jordan off of him. Both men scramble to thier feet, Tre up faster though, and he catches Foley with a right hand. Tre then goes to scoop up Logan and.. nothing. He can't lift the Irishman off his feet. Jordan gives it a few tries before the angry Foley brings a hard elbow down onto Tre, catching him between the shoulder blades! Tre is stunned and Logan drops another elbow that sends Jordan stumbling away. Logan sprints forward and hits a HUGE (sic) clothesline, so powerful it 360's Tre in the air!] DJHV: Damn! Somebody go get Tre's shoes! I think they're in the cheapseats! [Jordan rolls around holding his chest while Foley looks down and shakes his head.] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Skipping ahead a piece to Caleb Foley's older brother hitting a nasty snap suplex that bounces Jordan off the canvas in a way that makes the viewer go OW OW OW! Logan then scrambles on top of Jordan and begins grinding his forearm into the face of his opponent. Jacobs puts a count on Foley and he breaks it off at four and then yanks Tre up to his feet and gives him a STIFF European Uppercut that sends Jordan stumbling into the ropes which barely hold him up!] BJ: Jordan trying to go toe-to-toe with the larger, more powerful man. I'm not sure if that's the best idea. DJHV: This is the cat who fought like five movie monsters in a row when he could've just forfeited, right? I don't think you can call him smart. [Foley goes after Jordan, but his opponent tries for a quick kick to the midsection, but unfortunately for Tre, Logan catches it. Foley drags Jordan away from the ropes, Tre hopping on one leg all the while. Tre tries for an enziguiri, but Foley simply ducks and Jordan lands on his stomach. Logan yanks Jordan up, hooks him and then... Belly to Belly Suplex! Logan goes for the cover but Jordan gets the shoulder up by 2!] Logan slaps Jordan on the back of his head, which draws warnings from Jacobs, then Foley yanks Tre up and scoops him up and holds him by his side and hits a Sidewalk Slam! Instead of going for the cover though he yanks Jordan up once more. Foley hooks the man from Toronto, Ontario, Canada and.. T-Bone Suplex!] [SUPLEX POP] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Foley has Jordan set up for a bulldog and begins running forward but as Logan leaps up, Tre wiggles free and the older Foley boy lands on his butt! Jordan then quickly hits a dropkick from behind sending Logan down onto his side! Tre takes the opportunity to recover. Jordan gets to his feet but so does Foley. Tre spots his opponent up and springs into action hitting a sidekick sending Logan stumbling into a corner! Jordan then charges into the corner and.. high knee strike connects in the corner! Foley stumbles out of the corner and falls to one knee. Another dropkick from behind sends Logan facefirst onto the canvas!] BJ: Real back-and-forth effort by both men. I'll say this much; Foley knows how to bring it! *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [We skip ahead a bit and find Logan laying on his back in the ring while Jordan is up on the top turnbuckle, but not for long, because he leaps off, somersault.. CANADIAN FLYBY SOMERSAULT LEGDROP!] BJ: What a big move! He may have him here! DJHV: Well, he's not going for the cover so we'll never know! [Indeed, Jordan is up on his feet instead of going for the cover. He grabs Foley's legs and then drops forward.. College Experimentation headbutt to the midsection of the Irishman! Foley holds his midsection while Tre gets to his feet. Tre yanks Logan up and whips him into a corner, or attempts to because Logan reverses the Irish Whip sending Tre into the corner. Foley charges forward trying to catch Tre in the corner but the quicker man moves out of the way and then nails a BEAUTIFUL standing dropkick that sends Logan tumbling down onto the canvas!] [Tre climbs up the turnbuckles, takes a bit to get his balance where he wants on the top, then he leaps off.. Corkscrew 450 Splash.. THE JAPANESE MOVE!] [LOSE THEIR STUFFING TURKEY MANIA EXPLOSION POP] BJ: That was it! Tre Jordan gets the duke! [Jordan celebrates hitting his finisher and.. he keeps celebrating. He pats himself on the back way too long but finally he goes for the cover! Referee Jacobs leaps into position, 1........... 2.......................... 2.9! Foley gets the shoulder up!] DJHV: Don't you ever get tired of being wrong Barn? [You Gotta' Be Kidding Me Pop] BJ: Foley JUST barely got the shoulder up in time! DJHV: Don't let anybody ever tell you that there's a man in HUGE tougher than Logan Foley! [Tre looks in disbelief and argues with Jacobs that it was a three but the ref shakes his head and holds up two fingers. Dos and only dos!] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Jumping ahead again, Tre is probably regretting not going for the cover sooner after the Japanese move because Foley is smacking a NASTY headbutt against Tre's head! Jordan falls to the canvas holding his face while Foley leans against the ropes and catches his breath. Logan grabs Jordan to pull him to his feet but Tre grabs his opponent's head and puts his head under the jaw and drops down on his knees, Jawbreaker! Foley rolls around holding his jaw, while Tre rubs his head. Logan struggles to his knees and begins to get to his feet and Jordan charges forward and goes for a knee lift.. but the Irishman moves out of the way, grabs the Canadian via Ontario by the head and hits a Swinging Neckbreaker! Jordan rolls around holding his neck, Foley grabs the ropes and pulls himself up to his feet. Tre struggles to his and Fole grabs him and goes to whip him to the ropes but Tre reverses and hooks Logan.. Inverted Russian Legsweep!] BJ: Tre puts him down and goes for another cover! 2-count! He's frustrated, maybe unsure of what it takes to put Foley down! [Jordan pulls Foley up now and goes to whip him to the ropes but it's Foley's turn to reverse the whip and he catches Tre with a boot to the stomach, hooks the head and.. DDT! Tre rolls around holding his head.] BJ: These two are going back and forth! It's so close right now! DJHV: It would maybe be over if Tre had just gone for that cover sooner earlier! *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Cutting to later on, did we mention that Jordan is probably regretting all that celebration? Just want to be sure because whatever happened during the latest flash forward, Tre now has a trickle of blood running from a cut on his head and Logan Foley is SMASHING him with STIFF European Uppercuts in the corner! Referee Jacobs is all over Logan, throwing a count on him and the Irishman finally stops the assault of European Uppercuts and Tre slumps to the canvas.] DJHV: There's a pin! Foley's got 'im Barn! BJ: Looks like a 3-count! [Pan over. Tre has a foot on the bottom rope.] BJ: NO! Freddie Jacobs says no sale! [Foley grabs the bleeding Jordan and yanks him up and appears as if he's going to whip him across the ring but no.. It's a Short Arm Clothesline! It has a nasty snap too! Tre is looking in a bad way! Logan up on his feet reaches down, yanks Jordan to his feet once more and this time does whip him to the ropes and then he catches Jordan coming off the ropes, yanks him up in the air and.. CELTIC BUSTER SPINEBUSTER!] [YOWZA SHAKE THE RING POP! It's a huge spinebuster and Jordan looks done for! Foley yanks the Canadian up yet again and rears back his fist, looking to hit his heart punch finisher but.. Jordan slumps down to his knees.] DJHV: Put a fork in him man! BJ: Well Foley is looking to do just that, his Celtic Dreams heart punch will definitely be the fork if he hits it! [Foley slightly chuckles at the bleeding Jordan, then pulls him to his feet again and rears back his fist and this time he begins nodding his head and looking at the crowd, smiling and winking. He's letting them know, the dreaded Celtic Dreams is fixing to smite Tre Jordan! Then Logan throws his punch.. right into the grasping arms of Tre Jordan who takes Foley down with a small package!] BJ: Rolls him up! Foley's kicking! [Shocked pop!] [Referee Jacobs leaps into position and makes the count.] FJ: 1...! DJHV: What the!? Logan, dude! FJ: 2...! BJ: Jordan with a death grip! FJ: 3!!! *DING DING DING* [Tre rolls to the ropes and leaps against them in a seated position and shoots his arms into the air, victorious! Logan Foley.. sits up and is in SHOCK! Referee Jacobs goes over to Jordan and helps Tre up and the referee lifts Tre's arm in the air! This does not go over well with Foley though who springs to his feet and jumps in Jacobs' face, SCREAMING!] DJHV: Foley has exploded in all kinds of aggro here! BJ: What? Aggro? DJHV: Yeah, like in World of Warcraft. BJ: I'm sure I have no idea. DJHV: You are such a liar sometimes Barn! BJ: ... [Tre discretely rolls out of the ring to celebrate outside of it, pumping his arms in victory! Foley however is screaming at Jacobs, his veins ready to burst from his head and neck and threatening the referee's life! Jacobs takes off scrambling out of the ring running for his life, perhaps literally, while Foley grabs the ropes and screams a rage filled roar!] BJ: Tre Jordan finally quits the slump with a big win over a talented newcomer in Logan Foley. DJHV: Geez, hope Foley don't catch up with Freddie or anything. *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Studio~!] BJ: And he did catch up with Freddie. There was shouting. Security dragged Foley away and Freddie had a stiff drink. DJHV: Whoa, thought you were gonna say somethin' else there for a second, Barn. BJ: Logan's a sore loser, near as I can tell. His first two matches in HUGE have been near misses with clear moments of glory that left the fans clamoring for more. Once this kid hits his stride I don't know what can stop him. DJHV: Kid? BJ: Well, he's younger than me. DJHV: Hah! You're old. BJ: You're three months older than me! DJHV: Why you gotta be hurtful, man? BJ: Anyway ... next up we have Rocket Man, a super-hero of sorts taking on the man who, frankly, looks like Leatherface minus the chainsaw, Harvey. DJHV: Yeah man, but I bet you there's still gonna be a massacre tonight! BJ: Let's find out. *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Arena. Weird, generic techno music plays over the PA as if composed on a Casio toy keyboard. A large booming voice comes from off camera.] #RRRRRRROOOOOCCCCCCKKKKKEEEEEEEETTTTTTTT MMMMAAAAAANNNN!!!# [With a loud swoop or thud or graceful jump a man "flies" onto the screen. He is dressed in a crimson and white vertical striped bodysuit with black boots and a crimson cape. He wears a crimson mask with a white face. He stands there triumphantly with his fists on his hips looking out at the crowd.] =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= Rocket Man -vs- Foodstamp =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= DJHV: Yo people, this guy's from Cape Canaveral, Florida uh ... by way of space, I guess. Anyway, he's 195 pounds and he goes by-- [With a sweeping gesture, the "Rocket Man" points out at all the fans in the Hellfire.] #RRRRRRROOOOOCCCCCCKKKKKEEEEEEEETTTTTTTT MMMMAAAAAANNNN!!!# [Rocket Man grabs the end of his cape and brings it up covering half of his face, then strides in exaggerated fashion towards the ring.] DJHV: Like that Barn? I just let the guy's "theme music" intro him for me. BJ: Clever. Why'd you say "theme music" funny? DJHV: Uh ... I dunno, 'cause it sucks? [Mindless Self Indulgence's song, "You'll Rebel to Anything (As Long As It's Not Challenging)", blares out of the rickety PA system.] DJHV: Yo people, here's his opponent. If you like violence then you're probably down with this guy. From "the Streets of America", he's crazy, he's homeless ... I think, this is FOODSTAMP! [He stands at the top of the ramp, surveying the crowd before him. With a shake of his head, Food begins his march to the ring, ignoring all of the fans at ringside and focused squarely on the ring. He gets to the ring, and rolls underneath the bottom rope. He rolls into the middle of the ring, and then kneels, again giving a death glare to all of the people in attendance. He stands, walking backwards into the nearby corner, and flopping down, sitting with his back against he bottom turnbuckle, waiting for the match to begin.] BJ: Referee Frank Jenssen calling for the bell. Hit it Harvey. *DING!* *DING!* *DING!* DJHV: Oh yeah! Let the battle of the superhero and the movie monster begin! BJ: Movie monster? I thought Foodstamp was homeless? DJHV: Dude ... Killer Hobos from Station 187 was all about homeless ghouls. Dude. [Meeting Food in the middle of the ring, Rocket Man feints at a lockup, ducks under, then strikes a fancy pose, dropping to one knee and sweeping his cape about dramatically. Food whips around, annoyed, then steps back, confused at Rocket's behavior.] BJ: Really!? DJHV: Eh, no, but it sounds like it'd be a great movie, huh? Maybe I'll write the script myself! [In the ring, Rocket tumbles repeatedly, evading Food's every advance. Ducking repeated clotheslines, Rocket hits a wild haymaker of his own.] BJ: Rocket Man evading every attack from Foodstamp, and he hits back! DJHV: If Food connects, man, that's it. These dudes may look like a good match on paper, but Food's a wiry kind of skinny, Rocket's more like a runner or somethin'. Food benches like twice his weight in the gym, man! I *BLEEPING* witnessed that *BLEEP!* [The exchange repeats a few times, Rocket sticks and moves until Food catches a foot! A quick enziugiri really should detach that grip, but Food holds tight. Hopping on one foot, tumbling forward, Rocket pulls Food with him, hitting a kind of reverse Monkey Flip! Still holding on, Food jockeys for position, but has his own foot caught by Rocket! It winds up being an awkward Victory Roll! To kick out Food has to release his death grip, but he still winds up getting counted down for 2.5! The crowd roars to life as Rocket makes with another cape flourish and a shocked Foodstamp staggers to his feet and then away from Rocket, leaning against the top turnbuckle and cocking his head at Rocket, trying to figure the high flyer out.] BJ: Impressive exchange! DJHV: You can say that if you want man, but all I see is my point proven! Rocket Man can't hurt Foodstamp! BJ: He doesn't need to, not if Foodstamp is going to act single-mindedly in an attempt to crush him. Rocket Man, clearly, has what it takes to out-finesse this leather-faced maniac! *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Later in the match. Rocket Man has lost his cape and has a tear in the shoulder of his bodysuit. He's pounding away at Foodstamp in the corner. Convinced he's finally got him stunned, Rocket Man runs to the far corner, runs back, and SLAMS a flying knee into Foodstamp's masked face. Falling out, Food is caught and shoved back by Rocket. Climbing to the second rope, he calls out to the crowd.] BJ: Countdown! BJ/Fans: 10! 9! 8! [Food seizes with each punch, giving off a bestial growl that's picked up by a nearby camera.] BJ/Fans: 7! 6! 5! [Gripping the ropes on either side of himself, Food shakes them, his growls growing louder!] BJ/Fans: 4! 3! 2! [Rocket hauls back, hitting the final punch--] BJ/Fans: ONE! [A collective gasp escapes the crowd as Food grabs Rocket's throat, one thigh, and presses him high overhead. Running across the ring, he hurls him over and down, slamming him from one side of the ring to the far guardrail, bouncing off the ropes himself and falling into a slumped kneel against the intersecting middle rope.] *CLANG!!!* BJ: GOOD LORD! GORILLA PRESS SLAM AND ROCKET MAN EATS THE GUARDRAIL! DJHV: That's like 12 feet down onto concrete Barn! [Slithering over the middle rope, Food hits the concrete himself, then scrambles awkwardly to his feet as the referee gives chase.] BJ: Referee Jenssen giving Food a tongue lashing but throwing someone to the outside can't get you disqualified in HUGE. Maybe if he did it several times... [Grabbing Rocket by the mask, Food picks him up over one shoulder, turns, runs, and slams him into a nearby corner post! Heel pop! Rocket crumples, but perhaps more shocking, Food grabs his face, staggers out, and collapses himself.] BJ: Good lord! Did you see that!? DJHV: Uh, no? BJ: Rocket Man tried a DDT counter, kicking at the last moment, and instead pulled Foodstamp's head into the pole! DJHV: Too bad we don't have instant replay. BJ: Uh, we'll have to get it in post-production. *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [As if on cue we cut away from the action to show a different angle. Foodstamp's mask doesn't protect him much as his nose and brow are pulled into the unforgiving steel, sharing the impact with Rocket Man's back.] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* BJ: Frank Jenssen is up to a 6-count! [That's right, we cut forward to avoid the 10-count. Rocket Man and Foodstamp both struggle to move, Rocket Man into the ring and Foodstamp to Rocket Man. At the count of 9 Rocket Man narrowly avoids Food who gets in just enough to break the count before Rocket baseball slide dropkicks him right back out to the floor! Face pop!] BJ: Rocket Man turns the tides! DJHV: But Food's getting up, man! This guy lives on pain, there ain't no way he's keeping him down! [Not content with waiting, Rocket takes the fight to Food by quickly ascending the turnbuckles and LEAPING TO THE FLOOR! WORKRATE HOLY *BLEEPERINO* POP!] BJ: SUPERHERO FLIGHT! Foodstamp just got crushed against the guardrail by 200 pounds of Crossbody, 12 feet down! DJHV: I thought we settled on like 12 if somebody jumped off the top or got thrown or something. BJ: Dammit Harvey, give me my hyperbole! Rocket holding his ribs, his head, rolling back in-- [Thrusting a fist up into the air, Rocket gets a big cheer from the fans.] BJ: Say what you will about his power, his toughness, Foodstamp has been beaten from pillar to post by Rocket Man! DJHV: He ain't out, man! You're pullin' for the better man, but dammit, you can be the best fighter in the world, you ain't gonna punch out no pickup truck, dig!? [Going for another baseball slide, Rocket Man gets swept aside by Food. Another lariat gets ducked by the much faster man, and Rocket grabs Food on the backswing, turns him around 360 degrees, shoving him back into the ring.] BJ: Rocket Man is rolling! Foodstamp has tried for about 15 minutes now to catch him and he can't! [Leaping up to the apron, Rocket Man leaps, holding the ropes, and kicks Food, falling back to the apron as Food staggers back to center. Pulling back hard, he LEAPS with a springboard--] BJ: ZERO GRAVITY! Big lariat by Rocket Man floors Foodstamp! He's not done! [Ascending the ropes quickly and easily, Rocket Man looks resplendent atop the corner! Giving a high sign to the crowd, he prepares to leap, and the crowd comes to their feet.] BJ: Here it comes! Blast Off! DJHV: Are you so into this guy because you're a closet superhero fan? [Abruptly, the houselights dim, and the rarely used 73" LCD screen (call it the HUGETron) over the entrance to the Dungeon flares to light. On the screen is a man in a black mask whose face is dominated by a white star. "Star Man" by David Bowie plays over the PA system.] BJ: What the hell? DJHV: That guy ... he's got a star for a face. Wait, why is this familiar? [Totally distracted, Rocket Man is caught unawares as Foodstamp sweeps his legs out from under him. Crotched on the turnbuckle, he's helpless as Food ascends the bottom turnbuckle to reach him, locks a crooked and awkward Full Nelson, pushes off, and uses that grip to pivot Rocket Man's poor face into the mat with a crash.] BJ: POOR MAN'S PLASTIC SURGERY! Good Lord, how the hell did he manage to do that off the ropes? DJHV: Really clumsy-like? [The 3-count is academic. The crowd boos lustily, not just for Foodstamp, but for the interruption to the match. Well, okay, more for Foodstamp as he drags Rocket Man from the ring!] DJHV: Uh-oh Barn, looks like Foodstamp is takin' Rocket Man as his caveman bride or somethin' man. BJ: Dragging him off by a foot! But it looks like Rocket Man is coming to! [As Food reaches the back wall where the exit down to the Dungeon is located, Rocket Man kicks him in the knuckles. The first few shots don't detach Food, but the fourth does, and Rocket scrambles over the guardrail and into the crowd. Foodstamp stares at his empty hand for a long moment before giving chase.] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [The studio~! Where else would you expect?] BJ: Foodstamp wins off the distraction there, Harvey, and you have to wonder if things might have gone differently had that ... whatever it was, hadn't happened. DJHV: Whatever it was? I think we both know it, man. Rocket's been sayin' it himself; the evil Star Man! BJ: How do you know? Just because he had a star on his face? DJHV: Okay, uh, that's a good first clue, yeah. [Beat. Staring contest. Harvey mutters to himself.] DJHV: And you think I'm the dense one? BJ: What was that? DJHV: Nothin', man. Look, you might not know this, but I'm a DJ from a long time back. That music playin'? That was Bowie, and the track was Star Man. No question. We have seen the face ... of space! [Two beats, wide-eyed staring contest. Both men turn to camera.] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Cut to commercial. It's an in-house ad for the Little League World Series ... of Poker. Cut across several clips of small children playing cards. One child cries. Another hits a 52-pickup in the face of a third. The third hits the second with a toy plastic sword. Large, burly men separate the children before boo-boos can occur.] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [STUDIO~!] BJ: We're back folks. I assume that, by now, you all know that the HUGE Heavyweight Title Tournament is now in it's semifinal round. DJHV: Please, no more graphic. BJ: What's your problem with the graphic? DJHV: Look, nothin's changed since you used it last. Please, just get on to the next match, man. BJ: Well, I can't argue with that. We're almost halfway through the program and we still have both Semifinal matches left on the docket! DJHV: So movin' on? BJ: Yes. DJHV: HELL YEAH! Hooray for movin' on! *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= HUGE Heavyweight Title Semifinals "Smooth as Silk" Miguel Quesada -vs- Antonio Morientes =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= ["Til I Collapse" by Eminem plays as Quesada comes out from the Dungeon. Slapping hands and talking with the fans all the way down, he rolls into the ring and climbs to the middle turnbuckle, pumping a fist in the air, keeping time with the base of the song.] DJHV: Yo people, this is the first Semifinal matchup in the HUGE Heavyweight Title Tournament! Comin' out first is the most famous member of the Quesada wrestling family, the man from Miami, 210 pounds ... this is "SMOOTH AS SILK" MIGUEL QUESADA! Give it up! [And the fans do. Miggy hops down to center ring and moves to his corner to await his opponent.] DJHV: And his opponent... [Mario Lanza's voice singing "Ave Maria" comes over the PA and out walks Antonio Morientes, wearing his white tights with purple stripes down the side and yellow boots. He walks to the ring with his head lowered in prayer and he climbs onto the ring apron, makes the sign of the cross and then climbs into the ring, ready for battle.] DJHV: 250 pounds of Catholic guilt, from Madrid, that's in Spain, people! Give it up for Geography! Anyway ... give it up for ANTONIO MORIENTES! [Coming to the center to meet Quesada, Antonio is given the business by Tariq Abdul Aziz as the veteran referee hits both men with a thick Persian accent and an angry tone threatening horrible things if they disobey the rules or his authority in the ring. Both men get a quick frisking, back up to their corners, and Aziz signals Harvey to ring the bell, swinging both arms wide to indicate it's time to fight!] *DING!* *DING!* *DING!* BJ: And here we go! An interesting blend of styles, Harvey. DJHV: Eh... Miggy loves to fly, Tony's a tough guy who's terrified of hurting people. Both guys can tumble, I guess. BJ: Grapple? DJHV: Yeah yeah, tumble, grapple, whatever. I'm just here to make your dry blather more palatable, dawg. Keep it light. [Circling in the ring, Quesada and Morientes lock up. Quesada hits a quick armdrag, and Morientes rises to his feet in the corner, seeing Quesada ready to go again, he claps.] BJ: Morientes applauding his opponent's warrior spirit. DJHV: It was one toss! [Locking up again, Quesada tries again for an armdrag, but Morientes blocks and hits a Hiptoss on Miggy, who twists onto his feet! Bouncing off the ropes, Miggy misses with a leg lariat, but catches the charging Morientes with a monkey flip! Workrate pop! Morientes rises, applauding his opponent again.] BJ: Quesada with a tense look. Y'know, I think he may feel mocked by Tony's good nature. DJHV: Ehhh yeah, he does look pissy, don't he? Tony does rub some people the wrong way. [Meeting in the center a third time, another exchange moves near identically to the previous. Armdrag blocked, countered into a hiptoss, monkey flip, but this time Morientes catches Quesada's legs! Leveraging him back, Morientes hits a slingshot that lands Miggy in the corner. Slow to capitalize, Morientes approaches as Quesada turns around. Glaring hard, Quesada makes eye contact with the smiling Morientes, whose smile drops just as Quesada hits a hay-making-bitch-slap!] BJ/DJHV: WHOA! BJ: Morientes staggers back! Quesada just lacing him with those lefts and rights! SPINNING HEEL KICK! Morientes staggers to the corner! [Stunned by Quesada's anger, Morientes fails to defend himself as Miggy mounts the second turnbuckle and rains a 10-punch salute on his forehead, finishing up with a hurricanrana.] DJHV: Damn! I had no idea he could be this mean! BJ: Quesada's a long-time veteran and he might think that Tony's over-nice behavior in the ring thusfar meant that he wasn't taking him seriously. DJHV: I guess I can see that. [Following up on the rising Morientes, Quesada hits a Shining Wizard that floors him then attempts a pin. A 2-count, and Miggy goes for a headlock. Morientes rolls Quesada to his shoulders, going for repeated bridge pins. Finally, Morientes manages to push to his feet, and tries to push Quesada off into the ropes. Riding him all the way down in what amounts to a Bulldog Headlock, Quesada maintains the hold.] DJHV: What is up with this!? People don't like when dudes lay on the mat too long. BJ: Quesada, I think, is looking to teach Morientes a lesson. He's using a basic move to torment Antonio. Thing is, I don't think he realizes that Tony's not exactly a rookie-- [Forcing his way to his feet again, Morientes drops down with a Backdrop Driver! BIG MOVE POP!] BJ: BACKDROPDRIVEROHMYGOD!!! [Grabbing one ear, Morientes has a look of disbelief, looking around for the opponent he just dropped. Equally stunned, holding his neck, Miguel Quesada staggers to his feet. On instinct, Morientes pivots, then hits a LARIAT that turns Miggy inside out! Eyes wide, he falls on Quesada, only half hooking the leg.] BJ: Good God! Saint Amuro! The namesake of FORGE trainer Amuro Balsa, and THERE'S THE THREE COUNT! Over in just about four minutes! *DING!* *DING!* *DING!* DJHV: Yo people, the man who's movin' on to the finals to fight for the HUGE Heavyweight Championship is Antonio Morientes! Give it up for the man from Madrid! Congrats Tony, absolutely nobody here thought you had it in you, man! *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* BJ: There you have it, a surprising win from Antonio Morientes! Not surprising that he could do it, but surprising in it's brevity! It was over in only 3:43! DJHV: Miggy got cocky and Tony got pissed! I mean, y'know, not pissed. Just sorta lashed out because he was confused or somethin'. That's about as pissed as he gets. BJ: Yyyeah, at any rate. That's one half of the finals established. Let's see now... DJHV: No, not the graphic! [Graphic on screen!] ___________________________________________________ Tiwilliger | | | ----vs------|Tiwilliger | | Jordan |-----------| | ------------ | | vs |-----------| | Foley | | | | ----vs------| Valentine | | | Valentine |-----------| | | ------------ | | vs |------------| | Quesada | | | ----vs------| Quesada | | Mayfield |-----------| | | ----------- | Morientes | | vs |-----------| | Morientes | | | ----vs------| Morientes | | de Vries |-----------| | ------------ | _________________________________________________ | Quarterfinal| semifinal | final | WINNER! | | --------------------------------------------------- BJ: And now we see that Antonio Morientes is moving on to face the winner of the Tiwilliger versus Valentine match... DJHV: God I hate this thing. [Studio.] BJ: It should be interesting. Either the power of Valentine or the immensity of Tiwllliger. Tony should have his hands full. DJHV: Yo Barn, whats up next? BJ Let me look at my notes. [Whispering.] BJ: BLEEP*, those two idiots? *sighs* Lets play the video and get it over with. Earlier today, Cindy had the pleasure of speaking with Preston Mayfield and Twinkletoes Tiwilliger, aka Clean Living. We take you now to that interview. *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= Clean Living =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= [In front of a backdrop with a generic HUGE logo stands Cindy "Bar Bitch" Hewitt. Next to Cindy stands the "diminuitive" Twinkletoes Tiwilliger. The self proclaimed King of the Cruiserwieghts is clad in a turd brown suit, with black shoes, white shirt and matching turd brown tie. Twinkletoes, "washboard abs" are hanging out of under the jacket of the suit The buttons on Twinkies dress shirt look ready to pop and it is only a matter of time till one of the poor seams on that suit burst WIDE open. Standing next to Twinkie is The Mayfield. Preston is wearing the powder blue 70's tuxedo given to him by Twinkletoes but with a few alterations. The frilly dress shirt and cumberbund have been replaced with the trademark PRESTON pink belly shirt and the baby blue pants have been modified into a kilt/skirt thing with high slits. There is no sign of the blue bow-tie that came with the suit. Preston's eyes are a light shade of hell death bender red and the Mayfield does't look to be too aware of his surroundings.] Cindy: With me right now is Preston Mayfield and *sighs* King of the Cruiserweights, Twinkletoes Tiwilliger. Later today you have a match against "Mad Dog" Valentine. Twinkletoes, you've managed to score a victory against him last time you met. What do you think of your chances to beat him this time, with the a berth to the finals for the HUGE Championship at stake? [Preston falls into Cindy's chest and begins to fondle her.] The Mayfield: Hey babycakes, nice airbags. Wanna have a free colon inspection via the Mayfield's dick and KING DONG? [Cindy looks unfazed while Twinkletoes sticks a fat finger up and begins to speal.] Twinkletoes Tiwilliger (TT): Well, thank you Cindy, its nice of you to notice and compliment me on my new suit. I'll bet you are wondering why I'm wearing this today. Cindy: Um not really, I want to know what you think of your-- TT: You want to know why a man as sophisticated and suave as I am, would need to wear something so formal and refined. I'm wearing this because people look up to me and Preston. All those people out there, watching HUGE and in the Portsmouth community, they hold us as an example of what they would like to be and what they could be if they would just start a life of Clean Living. As a result we need to set an example to inspire these people who see us as an escape from their pathetic and miserable lives. That is why i am wearing this brand new suit, given to me by my best friend, and tag team partner, Preston. [The Mayfield is trying to get Cindy's free hand under his kilt.] The Mayfield *trying to whisper but failing*: Sheep ain't the only things that get shaved... Cindy *rolling her eyes but starting the old fashioned anyhow*: There are people who want to be like, you guys? Wait, what the (EDIT)? Are you saying that Preston _gave_ you something that isn't crotch related? Preston actually has a friend? You're Preston's friend?? (looks at Preston with complete shock) We have a tag team division? *sniffs* Eww, what the hell is that smell? Preston *slurring*: I got friends, I got a championship belt too! *flashes what's under his kilt and it is that damned Donkey Punch Wrestling title belt... and Cindy's hand underneath that but we only see the wrist.* Formaldehyde. It's used for preserving, suits and things in suits or summin... oh yeah, more nail baby... Cindy *sigh and more arm motion*: Let me get this straight, Preston. You went out and bought a suit for your um, good friend Twinkletoes? Preston: Huh? No, babe, I'll buy us some... wait, umm... Oh, oh um, yeah! I got this suit for my ah, this thing over here, Twinks. Nothing too good for the little garbage disposal. Cindy: Wow! Well that was nice of you to do that, not like some people I know who steal panties and put them on other people's pets and can't be bothered to either wash or replace them. *glares at Preston* Preston: Huh? Whoa, I have a cellphone and it is buzzing right now. *grabs the phone from a certain place* Hey, you, yeah, um, sure you can come out to Portsmouth and then maybe you an' me and a friend of mine can double dong dock... *squeeze!* YELP! Talk... to you... *hang up* Oh, you, um... you bet I am all broken up about Ronald the Sheep and I really hope they find the jerk who stuck that hash pipe up Sparkles butt! Cindy: There was a hash pipe in Sparkles butt? Preston: Uh, I dunno. Don't look at me that way because I wouldn't know anything about that, ask that jerk Tracy Hudson Mask, who isn't me. I was watching the chilli cook the whole time when not going to the bathroom because I would never drop a turd in the chili. TT: What my giant of a friend is trying to say is that Clean Living will not abide by the usual shenanigans that go on in HUGE. We're here to be an example for others, showing them how to live their lives in a healthy and productive way! Cindy: ...I'll bet! Hey, what the hell where we talking about? TT: What we are talking about, Cindy, is setting an example for others. Our fans and fellow wrestlers in HUGE are lucky enough to be around men of such high moral standards, like me and Preston. We being the epitome of clean living serve to educate and inspire them through the example we set everyday. Hard work, good eating habits, treating the body as a temple and not a playground and playing by the rules no matter how unfair it is that you must face men 10 to 20 times your size in that ring. Clean Living is all about setting examples and showing you don't have to take short cuts! *BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP* Excuse me! Cindy: Like the example you set in your victory over Tre Jordan? TT: Exactly! I showed everyone what hard work and perseverance can go along way, even against a man Jordan's size. I dazzled him with style, technique and unbelievable feats of athleticism! In the end it was too much for him to handle. Jordan came to realize that all that his underhanded tactics were of no use, as i cleanly defeated him despite the odds being stacked in his favor! Someone like Tre could be such an inspiration to his fellow Mexicans. Sadly, I fear he learned nothing from my example and came away with nothing more than a wound to his pride and a ringing in his ears from the leigons of Twinkies out there in attendance and all over the world as they chanted my name from beginning to end in an inspired frenzy of love, devotion and hope! Cindy: *whisper* Preston, get your, my, helper out of my pants! ...*ahem* Tre Jordan is from Canada; he's not a Mexican! [Twinkletoes waves a dismissive hand.] TT: Well, how was i supposed to know he wasn't Mexican? He certainly acted that way and definitely smelled that way. The Mayfield: He smelled more like fish tacos than you do Cind... OW! [Cindy makes a sour face and you can see the muscles in her arm tense up.] Cindy: What did you say? I can't believe what i just heard! You are -- TT: Just a man, I couldn’t agree more. I am only one man, but a man that so many people look up to - a man needed by so many more! While Clean Living is a blessing to HUGE and its fans, it is a blessing that must be shared. There is a great need for heroes in this world but there aren't a great deal of heroes around. It's not even within our capability to inspire and change the whole world, as some may believe,. but it is in our capability to inspire those in our surroundings. I'm talking about the good people of Portsmouth, Ohio. That is why today me and Preston have vowed to bring this city back to greatness, through our actions and example. Cindy: Back to greatness? This city was actually considered great? TT: And it will be considered great again! Clean Living will save Portsmouth! Right now, I'd like to show you an example of our morality in action. What I'd like to do now is show you a video of me and Preston at the Greater Portsmouth Shelter and Soup Kitchen. This video was made by the local cable access channel for an ongoing series called: Portsmouth Perfect! [The scene cuts from the studio to an old kitchen. Several people, with tattered clothing, of various ages have lined up at a counter, holding empty trays. At the counter is, Twinkie in his new suit, with white aprons over it. With Preston is the man known as The Waiter, who has been showing up at Twinkletoes matches with food. He is putting out napkins, small packages of crackers along with bowls and spoons. Behind them is Preston, also in his modified blue tuxedo, with white apron over it. Preston is standing over a huge aluminum pot. Preston is stirring the content of the pot, with the infamous black dildo known as King Dong. The camera focuses on Twinkletoes.] TT: We here today at the Portsmouth Shelter and Soup Kitchen and we're here to make a difference by feeding these poor people who can't be bothered with getting honest jobs. With me is Pierre, maitre d and co-owner of the french restaurant Cheezy Pierre Eats Armond. He's donated the soup that we are going to feed to these dirty bums out of our great sense of morality. Ain't that right Pierre? Pierre: Oui, both me and Armond have agreed to supply this place with our house special Soup de Poulet Francais known as French Chicken Soup in Anglais. It is the best chicken soup ever! [Preston vomits a little into the soup.] TT: And why is that Pierre? Pierre: Because it is made by the French, obviously! TT: That's awesome! And that soup is being watched over by none other than Preston Mayfield. Preston is that soup ready yet? [Preston stops stirring the soup and puts King Dong on the table next to him. He reaches behind his back, and after a while of searching and fidgeting, he produces what appears to be a rectal thermometer. He places this thermometer in the soup and stands over it. After a minute of two he removes the thermometer and places it in his mouth washing the soup off of it.] Preston: Tastes a little like ass but, sure, lets feed the scumbags. [The scene immediately cuts to a scene of Twinkie pouring some soup into a bowl with a ladle. He gives it to an very thin old man, wearing a brown winter cap, and has three teeth in his head.] Twinkie: Here ya go pops! Hope you enjoy the soup! Homeless man: Thank you sir! Its very kind of you to do this. Praise be! Twinkie: Yes, yes it is. Its good of us to feed you, even though you're a lazy bum who should get a job. It's good of us to give you so much soup, even though someone as big as you should probably cut down... I thought homeless people were supposed to be malnourished! You probably ate some stray dogs, you sicko! I can't let you get any fatter than you are from stray dog feasting! (Grabs the bowl from the old man, and proceeds to slurp up the contents. He gives him back the bowl now 3/4 empty.) Keep eating reasonable portions like this and you just might be as thin as me! Preston: He probably ate then butt-[EDIT] Smacklers! [The homeless scamp spits at Preston then turns to Twinkletoes.] Homeless Man: Get (EDIT) you fat bastard! I hope you burn in hell! Twinkie: No need for sarcasm fatty, it's for your own good. Next! [Quick cut to another scene. We see Preston serving up soup to a woman and a small child.] Preston: Here ya go lady, hope you and the kid enjoy the soup. Woman: Oh thank you sir, thank you and your friend so much! This food means so much to me and my little Sonny. I really appreciate what you two are doing! Preston: How much do you appreciate it? Woman: Excuse me? Preston: I can make sure you get an extra bowl, if you're willing to earn it. Woman: Are you suggesting i have sleep with you for a bowl of soup? What kind of pig are you? Preston: I'm not talking about sleep, I'm talking about me shoving my [TV EDIT] in your mouth, [TV EDIT] and your ass! *she gives him an evil eye. What?! I've slept with other men for much less; don't be such a stuck up prude. You've got a crotch critter so it's not like you don't put out. Maybe you should put out for money then you wouldn't have to be a poor slut who drags her little bastard to soup kitchens in hopes for an extra slurp or two from some guy's ladle. Hell, bitch, you're coming onto me! Stop thinking I'll give you extra just for you [TV EDIT] me with your eyeballs. At least whores are honest, you're a stuck up, lying, blue ball giving bitch! Sonny: Mommy, what's a slut? Woman: How dare you speak to me like that in front of my son, you pig! Woman picks up the soup and throws it at Preston. Preston ducks and the soup hits Pierre, who runs around cursing in French. [Cut again to a scene. Twinkie is standing over the soup pot.] Twinkie: This doesn't taste warm enough [scoops out a ladle of soup and slurps it up.] Twinkie: That one didn't taste warm enough either. [scoops out another ladle of soup and slurps it up.] Twinkie: Nope, I don't think this is warm enough! [TT helps himself to yet another ladle of soup.] [Star wipe to Twinkletoes telling the people they are out of soup.] Twinkie: Sorry folks, but we're out. Some of you were fat gluttons and took more soup than you should have. [The people still left in the soup kitchen react unfavorably.] Twinkie: Don't blame me, you're the poor ones. Maybe if you all got jobs you wouldn't have to worry about this happening. [The homeless start to boo and curse and throw crackers at Twinkletoes before leaving. Everyone leaves except for one an Asian looking man wearing what looks like a sequined jumpsuit, missing most of its sequins. The Asian slowly makes his way to the counter. The man looks to be in his 60's. He's old, wrinkled and has only a few teeth in his head which has a pompadour style toupee on it.] Old Man: Me get slup preez? Twinkie: Sorry old guy, were out. Blame the oddly well fed fatty homeless mutants of Portsmouth. Old Man: Me need to eat. De Kling can't sing on empie stumrach. Preston: ...what the hell is he saying? What the hell is a Kring? Twinkie: No food, pal. Those fat slobs at it all up! Old Man: U make Kling penis blubber and bandana sandwhinch? Doe be klewell. Preston: Did he say penis blubbler? I can't understand him. Pierre you speak German what's he saying? Pierre: I am French! Preston: Same thing on the inside! What's he saying? Twinkie: There's something familliar about you, but i can't put my finger on it. Do we know you? Old Man: I am de Kling of crock and goal! I am Elbitz! Wewa gotz anus! [Elbitz tries to tries to shake his hips.) Preston: Hey gramps, we told you, we don't have any food! I wish we could make you understand, but nobody here speaks French. Pierre: I am French, and he is not speaking French crackhead! |
| And it was at this moment that the entire world realized, in unison, that tandem bicycles were AWESOME~! | |
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| Mozeart | Nov 30 2010, 10:00 PM Post #2 |
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Sheik-ee, Sheik-ee, give me your answer do...
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Elbitz: Kling is honglee, and u no food? You ate nutty butter handjob! [Drops his tray and walks away.] Twinkie: Wait, Elbitz! Come with us! We're going to grab some burgers. Elbitz: Homboogers? Elbitz like! Tank u, but don't u strap on my brew shale screws. [Fade out and back to the Cindy and Clean Living.] Cindy: And, that's what you call being an example to others? That's the type of morality you want to spread? TT: Yes, Cindy it is. This is the type of morality we need both in Portsmouth and HUGE. And thats just the start, there are more good deeds to be carried out by Clean Living. Portsmouth and HUGE won't know what hit em. Now excuse me I got to get ready for my opponent, who is he by the way? Cindy: MadDog Valentine? TT: Great, another Mexican! I gotta go get my shots, they carry all sorts of weird diseases! [Cindy looks at Preston, who's basically doing things that can't be shown from her neck down.] Cindy: You guys have a screwed up definition of morality. Preston: My definition of morality is just fine, wanna come back to my office and I can give you that definition? *winks at Cindy* Cindy (gives Preston her "You are so gonna get some" smile): Hey I thought that suit came with a bowtie? What did you do with it? Preston: It's hangin off the end of my (EDIT), you always ignore that part during a knucklelock and you never change it up so obviously you missed it. Anyhow, I don't know how to tie it properly, wanna show me how? [Cindy grabs Preston and bring him closer to her. They start to make out rather violently before Cindy lowers herself to Preston's waist and out of the shot. A choking sound is heard as Preston takes a noose from out of his tuxedo jacket and tries to asphyxiate himself with it.] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Studio~!] BJ *BLEEPING!* *BLEEP!* I can't believe what I just saw! DJHV: Yeah Cindy didn't say back to you guys. BJ How many times have I told you to screen the videos before putting them on the air, especially when the videos involve Preston? DJHV: Barn-Dog, yo, chillax! You should have seen the unedited version, yo! BJ: Let's just go down to the ring to see if that fat bastard Tiwilliger finally gets his or what! *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= Main Event HUGE Heavyweight Title Semifinals "King of the Cruiserweights" Twinkletoes Tiwilliger -vs- "Mad Dog" Valentine =HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE=HUGE= DJHV: Yo people, it's the last Semifinal match in the HUGE Heavyweight Title Tournament! The winner of this match takes on Antonio Morientes to determine who gets the gold! Now ... SPIN DA TUNES! ["Pump up the Jam" by Technotronic begins to play over the speakers. Up from The Dungeon onto the entrance way emerges Twinkletoes Tiwilliger. Twinkletoes comes down to the ring in what might be described in the loosest definition of the term dancing. He is doing hip swivels and pelvic thrusts in tune to the music. He also comes to the ring with a triple patty cheeseburger in one hand, and a giant turkey leg in the other, takings bites out of both items in alternating fashion. He eventually makes his way to the ring as the camera pans the crowd who have mixed looks of disdain,puzzlement and nausea.] DJHV: Yeah, here comes the man we all love to love! He's from Paterson, New Jersey and claims to be less than 200 pounds! Oh, you poor, sweet demented bastard ... your name is "KING OF THE CRUISERWEIGHTS" TWINKLETOES TIWILLIGER! [Twinkletoes enters the ring and does a very slow uncoordinated form of the running man dance, that is more noticeable for the amount of flesh it causes to jiggle than for the lack of technique demonstrated in its execution. Twinkletoes concludes his dancing by holding up the remnants of the burger and turkey leg and letting out a belch , at least 15 seconds in duration, that echoes throughout the building, broken only by the sounds of the crowd jeering and the sounds of possible retching from those in attendance] BJ: I feel obligated to mention, one more time, that Tiwilliger is about 3 times the weight he claims to be. ['Bang Your Head' begins to pound as 'Mad Dog' Valentine vsteps out wearing his zebra pattern wrestling tights [pant style], red boots with white trim and white tassles. He claps his hands together at the crowd, his wrists covered with a yellow banadana [left] and a light green bandana right]. A white elbow pad on his right elbow finishes of the look except for the trademark white framed sunglasses of course!] DJHV: And his opponent, a 255-pound powerhouse and, his words not mine, "the only man to ever slam Twinkletoes Tiwilliger", he's from Vegas and his name's "MAD DOG" VALENTINE! ['Mad Dog' barks at the ceiling as he hits the ring. He rolls in under the bottom rope, swirls around in true Hollywood glam style before barking at the crowd at ringside. He takes off his beloved shades and hands them to the ringside help as the music fades.] BJ: A fan favorite, this Valentine. *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [We cut to early in the match. Valentine is trying to get into a collar and elbow tie up with Twinkletoes but 'The King of the Cruiserweights' backs off into a corner and begins stomping his feet trying to get the crowd behind him. 'Mad Dog' looks agitated at the stalling. Tiwilliger looks a little exhausted from the burst of stomping and he leans against the corner and asks for a few minutes to rest. Referee Tariq Abdul Aziz motions for them to fight but Twinkletoes appeals for more time. 'Mad Dog' shakes his head and stomps towards his large opponent.] Valentine lays into Tiwilliger with a nasty right hand and grabs his stunned opponent, while referee Aziz gets on 'Mad Dog' for the closed fist, and drags the large man out of the corner. Twinkletoes appeals for a time out which gets him another right hand from 'Mad Dog' who then goes to scoop up 'The King of The Cruiserweights' in a body slam.. But Tiwilliger brings a massive forearm down on Valentine's upper back to halt the attempt at being slammed yet again by the only man to accomplish the feat so far!] BJ: Valentine going for the big slam early on. DJHV: He'll never get Twinkie up again, Barn. Mark my words! It was a fluke! [Valentine staggers back, Tiwilliger catches his breath and then goes to grab 'Mad Dog' but the 80's obsessed grappler swats away the massively large flabby arm of 'The King of the Crusierweights' and propels his head forward and smashes a crunching headbutt to Twinkletoe's face, sending the incredibly large man stumbling backwards into the corner again!] DJHV: I'll say this much; somehow, some way, Valentine's better toe-to-toe than Twinkie! BJ: If this were a weightlifting contest or a boxing match, I'm confident Valentine would have won already, but so long as he maintains that vertical base, Tiwilliger is going to be impossible to beat.] ['Mad Dog' barks, which brings the cheers from the crowd, and then he rushes forward catching the gigantic Tiwilliger with a lariat in the corner! Valentine steps back and Twinkletoes stumbles out of the corner, the incredibly big man gasping as he grabs his chest from the corner lariat from Valentine. 'Mad Dog' lets loose the barking yet again, then spins Twinkletoes around, which takes some time because it's a lot of man to spin around, and hits him with another big right hand. Referee Aziz aggressively points his finger at Valentine and reprimands him but he ignores the referee and goes to LIFT THE MASSIVELY LARGE AND FLABBY KING OF THE CRUISERWEIGHTS UP AGAIN... But AGAIN Tiwilliger escapes being lifted up, this time by raking the face of 'Mad Dog'.] BJ: He had him up! That would've been the end, I'm sure of it! DJHV: Damn, Twink! You actually scratched the guy's scabs open again! Wow, but this guy sure does bleed a lot. *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [We cut to later in the match, where a slightly bruised faced Twinkletoes Tiwilliger has 'Mad Dog' in a corner and he slowly, every so slowly, rears back his mindblowingly large arm and hits a BIG MAN knife edge chop on Valentine! Valentine grabs his chest and grits his teeth, but his anger seems to flare and he pokes Tiwilliger in the eyes!] DJHV: He can't do that! BJ: Valentine turns the tables, using his opponent's own tactics against him! [Referee Aziz is all over Valentine for the eye poke, while the so large he should be in Ripley's Believe It or Not 'King of the Cruiserweights' stumbles around holding his eyes. 'Mad Dog' rushes past the referee and charges at the seemingly blinded Tiwilliger but the large man shocks everyone by side stepping the charge! Valentine puts on the brakes and spins around only to be greated by the unfathomably gross TWINKLING-MIST! A toxic burp of bad breath and food particle spray blasts the 80's digging grappler in the face! Valentine falls to his knees holding his face and cries out in disgust, discomfort of food particles blinding him, and rage! Tiwilliger siezes the moment and smashes a bus sized knee into Valentine's face sending the 'Mad Dog' down to the canvas!] DJHV: This is it! BJ: If Tiwilliger can capitalize, that's the end of the match! *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [We are yet again later in the match. Twinkletoes stomps the canvas trying to get the fans behind him and his cause. The fans are still trying to recover from the disgust of the Twinkling Mist, though. Tiwilliger then grabs a dazed Valentine and whips him into a corner. The flabby behemoth takes a year seemingly to rush into the corner and SQUISH 'Mad Dog' backside first in the corner! Tiwilliger catches his breath for a moment while referee Aziz gets on his case to let 'Mad Dog' out of the corner. Twinkletoes then elbows the barking brawler in the face!] DJHV: All those flippy Japanese dudes can suck on a fat one! BJ: What are you going on about?! DJHV: No one does a cartwheel elbow smash like 'The King of the Cruiserweights'! [The incontinent sized King of smaller sized wrestlers nods his head as he walks out of the corner, feeling confident in his crushing of Valentine. But the 'Mad Dog' rubs his face, shakes his head angrily, and runs out of the corner catching Tiwilliger from behind with a double axe handle that ROCKS the planet sized man! The crowd is fired up as Valentine barks! The brawler then grabs Twinkletoes and before he can inflict more damage his opponent points at the crowd and screams..] TT: DEVIL HOSHINO! [Referee Aziz and Valentine turn their heads towards where the big man pointed to see what the heck he is talking about, but there is no Japanese ladies wrestling legend in the crowd. No, sadly for Valentine it's a ploy so Tiwilliger can kick him in the groin! Valentine collapses holding his groin and Twinkletoes leans against the ropes trying to catch his breath. Referee Aziz looks around then starts asking the large man questions. Tiwilliger pleads innocent and swears that Devil Hoshino was there and that someone must've said her name three times in a row and summoned her!] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [We skip ahead to later in the match and the crowd is on their feet actually because 'Mad Dog' is laying right hands one after another on the unbelievably Titanic sized Tiwilliger! Twinkletoes is not doing well, his bruised face is looking more than slightly bruised now from Valentine's blows. And then, a certain French waiter appears at ringside!] BJ: This again? DJHV: Y'know, if this guy's gonna keep comin' out here, the least he could do is bring me some grub. [Pierre stomps to the ring apron and slaps the apron as loudly and attention garnering fashion as he can! 'Mad Dog' rushes over to the ropes and tries to kick at the French waiter, who points his finger at Valentine and lets loose with a stream of language no one in the crowd seems to understand. Referee Aziz pushes Valentine from the ropes and turns back to the ropes to address Pierre. Just the distraction Tiwilliger needs to drop to his knees and swing a massive clothesline like blow right into the groin of 'Mad Dog'!] BJ: No! Turn around, ref! [Valentine rolls around holding his yet again attacked groin in alot of pain. Twinkletoes pulls himself to his feet and brings his hand to his ears to hear the adoring cheers of his legions of fans! Well surely the boos and catcalls are being translated into the loudest cheers of all time in Tiwilliger's head.] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [Fast forwarding again, 'Mad Dog' is draped on the bottom rope and Tiwilliger is choking him on it with his Atlantic Ocean sized boot. Referee Aziz grabs the massive 'cruiserweight' and pulls him off Valentine and begins reprimanding him for the choking. And of course while the referee is distracted, the waiter from France takes the opportunity to choke Valentine some more!] BJ: It's two on one out there! Does that waiter even have a license as a manager? DJHV: I think he's a sous chef, actually. BJ: What? [Pierre breaks the choking just in time as Aziz turns around, satisfied with his scolding of the King of the Cruiserweights. Twinkletoes stomps his foot and then bring his hand to his ears to catch all the loving cheers and affections from the crowd aka boos. Then Twinkletoes reaches down and grabs Valentine, pulls him away from the ropes and sprawls the 'Mad Dog' on his back on the canvas. Tiwilliger then stands over his opponent, catches his breath, and then plops an eighteen wheeler sized leg onto the chest of Valentine!] DJHV: Twinkling-Top-Rope-Guillotine-Leg-Drop! [The galaxy sized cruiserweight takes some time to roll off of Valentine and then roll back ontop of Valentine to go for the cover. Referee Aziz jumps into position and begins the count! 1.............. 2..............VALENTINE GETS THE SHOULDER UP JUST IN TIME! The crowd goes wild for Valentine escaping the fall and then go WILDER because 'Mad Dog' sits up with a crazed look in his eyes! Twinkletoes struggles to get to the ropes to pull his incredible girth up to a standing position. Valentine rolls up to his feet easily and begins to growl! The crowd going every crazier! Tiwilliger, FINALLY, gets to his feet and turns around and jumps back as he sees the wild eyed growling 'Mad Dog' in front of him all fired up!] BJ: He lives! [Pierre jumps on the apron and yells something about Valentine's check is ready. 'Mad Dog' sprints over towards him but the French waiter leaps off the apron just in time. Twinkletoes goes to attack 'Mad Dog' from behind but he takes a decade to move his glacier sized body to Valentine's location. More than enough time for 'Mad Dog' to spin around, and SMASH a stiff right hand into Tiwilliger's fat face!] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [We skip ahead and man, the crowd is going wild! Valentine is ramming Twinkletoe's head into the turnbuckles repeatedly! Over and over and over his face is smashed into the top turnbuckle! Pierre jumps on the apron to protest and this time is not able to escape the grasp of 'Mad Dog' who grabs ahold of the French waiter! As Pierre protests and flails his arms around Valentine rears back the waiter's head and Tiwilliger's and then.. RAMS THEM TOGETHER!] DJHV: Hey, that waiter's head is a foreign object! Y'know, foreign, 'cause it was made in France! BJ: If you mean Valentine should be disqualified, think again! He wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Tiwilliger! [Pierre falls off the apron to the floor outside and rolls around holding his head in pain! Twinkletoes holds his face and stumbles about! 'Mad Dog' begins to bark, the crowd barking along with him, and then he spins the large man around and BLASTS him with a headbutt! Then he follows that with another big right hand, then a forearm smash and then another headbutt! Tiwilliger is stumbling around but doesn't fall to the canvas! Valentine runs off the ropes and charges.. RUNNING LARIAT! Twinkletoes loses balance, he appears as if he's going to fall backwards off his feet only to somehow regain his balance and stay upright!] DJHV: Weebles wobble! They don't fall down! [Valentine then sprints to the ropes yet again, bounces off and charges with all the momentum he can muster and.. CHARGING LEAPING SHOULDER TACKLE SENDS THE BIG MAN OFF HIS FEET! ULTRAMAN SHUWATCH SPACE PATROL MEGA SUPER WOWEE HOLY MOLY POP] BJ: HE'S DONE IT! Valentine is on a roll! [Valentine barks as the crowd goes wild at him downing the massively sized 'King of the Cruiserweights'!] *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* [We cut ahead one more time! Tiwilliger looks exhausted, gasping for air and as if he is on the verge of a massive heart attack. Valentine is pounding the stuffing out of him so it is to be expected! 'Mad Dog' lets loose the barking and then a glance at the dead on his feet Twinkletoes and Valentine nods his head. It's time! Valentine grabs the mountain of man known as Twinkletoes Tiwilliger and for all that is good and holy in this world.. HE LIFTS THE SMALL PLANET TIWILLIGER OFF HIS FEET AND IN THE AIR! LIGHTNING THUNDER ROCK N ROLL HIGH SCHOOL PENGUIN DANCING GUM DROPS AND RAINBOWS HAPPINESS EXPLOSIVE NUCLEAR BOMB POP Well as big a pop as you can imagine in the Hellfire! 'Mad Dog' has Twinkletoes up and he pivots to slam the man down for his second time ever and then... SPLAT! VALENTINE'S BODY GIVES OUT FROM UNDER THE MASSIVE WEIGHT AND SQUASHES 'MAD DOG'!] DJHV: YES! BJ: NO! Mad Dog collapsed! [Major crowd deflation! Referee Aziz leaps into position and goes for the count, 1............... 2................. 3!!] *DING!* *DING!* *DING!* *ZZZSSSHHHHZZZSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHHHTTT* A Strickland Sports Company, © 2010 RTN International. All rights reserved. Credits. -------- Tiwilliger/Valentine & Foley/Jordan - Pedro Boyd. Everything else - Moze. |
| And it was at this moment that the entire world realized, in unison, that tandem bicycles were AWESOME~! | |
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| Overly_Critical_Jue | Nov 30 2010, 10:49 PM Post #3 |
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Amigo, I ain't anybody but Juan Vasquez!
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Star Man AND a Devil Princess Hoshino reference.
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3:38 AM Jul 11