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[MBC] The Unnamed Bastard Show Episode 1; We're back! Back again!
Topic Started: Jan 23 2012, 04:44 PM (375 Views)
MBCKyle
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
“I hate Tom Landis”

[And thus, our narrative begins.]

“I really, really hate Tom Landis.”

[The voice is unmistakable. And if it was mistakable, the attitude at the very least wouldn’t be hard to place. You know who he is. Otherwise, there is a chance you wouldn’t be reading this.]

Slush: That son of a bitch ruined my Christmas and by proxy, he ruined my Kwanzaa. Somehow, he may have even mastered the dark magics of another dimension to go back in time and taint my Thanksgiving. I can picture it now... Tom Landis French kissing Cthulu just because he wants to bring tears to my eyes.

[And as the black of the space between television commercials and our show fades, we are treated to the wilderness.]

Slush: Salty, salty tears of hate.

[A heavy snow has fallen. Massively tall trees stand like monuments in the forsaken white. Between them walks a lone figure, bundled for warmth.]

Slush: I’ve come to the frozen north of Canada. Despite their outwardly friendly appearance, deep down, the Canadian race is nothing more than Klingons, driven by the lust for war. Beer is their ambrosia. Hockey is their battle cry. William Shatner is their god!

And Shatner is a god who cursed his own people to this frigid cold!

[As Slush trudges through the hip deep snow, he comes across an opening in the forest. Just beyond in the clearing, he sees it.]

Slush: Here in the north, I seek knowledge to counter the arcane blasphemy that Landis has bathed in.

[Capped in snow is a large stone structure.]

Slush: I seek the blood soaked knowledge of the Canadians.

[But it is beyond just a structure. It is a temple.]

Slush: I seek the limb rending martial arts of the Canuck.

[And it’s a temple with guards, all of whom see Slush coming. And they are not happy.]

Slush: I seek...

...Can Fu.

[The scene fades as the theme song to the television classic “Kung Fu” starts to play. The logo flashes up revealing the name of this telecast...]

THE MIGHTY BASTARD CHAMPIONSHIP

PRESENTS

THE UNNAMED BASTARD SHOW

EPISODE ONE: BASTARD PUSSYCAT! KILL, KILL!

or CHASING THE MAPLE LEAF DRAGON

[The logo fades and we are taken to darkness once again. The chants of fans can be heard in the distance. Then, a sliver of light begins to grow. This scene is in a tunnel and the subtle silhouettes reveal two large and burly men carrying the limp body of a third scrawny man up this passageway.]

Crowd: WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!

WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!

WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!

[The trio of shadows emerge from the light to reveal a rabid crowd of fans all around them. In the center of this temple that Slush has trekked to is a ring, colored red and white. The two guards wear similarly colored hockey sweaters and that third scrawny man?

A limp Slush.

Make your own jokes. I can’t do everything for you.]

Crowd: WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!

WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!

WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!

[The guards continue to carry Slush, walking fully around the ring and passing an empty commentator’s table. Behind the ring and nestled in a section devoid of fans is a large platform. High above on the platform sit three men on what look to be thrones. They’re bathed in shadows but their features and demeanor is indistinguishable.

Trevor Hextall. Bob Jablonski. Grapes Gilmore.

Together known as Team Canada.]

Crowd: WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!

WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!

WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!

[On the steps that lead to the upper platform is a fourth man, dressed in a grey suit and carrying a staff that looks oddly like a hockey stick. He raises it and the fans grow instantly quiet.]

Guard #1: Chairman, we found yet another interloper in the woods.

Chairman: And why did you feel it was important to bring him before the Council of Three?

Guard #2: He was on the list, Chairman.

[The guard pulls off Slush’s hat and scarf, revealing his face. He’s a bit hairier than what people remember but he’s a hard face to forget. As the crowd sees his face upon the various television screens in the temple, they gasp in horror.]

Slush: [MEEP] you people! I’m beautiful!

Chairman: Ah, so Slush has finally come to us.

Slush: Who the [MEEP] are you?

Chairman: I am Gordon Aussicker, the Chairman of...

[Without hesitation, he waves to the crowd. All finish his sentence in unison...]

Crowd: IRON PUCK WRESTLING!

Chairman: You Slush, are in the heart of IPW. You are in Iron Puck Stadium!

Slush: Is there going to be a mystery ingredient?

Chairman: SILENCE!

[And with much force, The Chairman strikes Slush across the mouth. The strike draws blood, much to the pleasure of the crowd.]

Slush: You hit like Mark Dacascos!

Chairman: BLASPHEMER!

[The Chairman raises the staff to strike Slush again but he stops, halted by the raised hand of Grapes Gilmore. Gilmore then gives a series of hand signals, communicating with the Chairman.]

Chairman: Yes, coach.

[The Chairman turns back to Slush.]

Chairman: Personally, I’d rather toss you out into the cold and let the wolverines and wendigo eat you alive. However, the Council of Three have spoken. They state that they own your personal services managerial contract and are now ordering you to comply.

Slush: What? That’s a dangling plot thread from 2003! You’re really going to force me to make good on that?

Chairman: A Canadian never forgets.

Slush: Damnit! I just want to learn about Can Fu.

[The crowd goes silent and the Council of Three immediately begin to discuss this request for “Can Fu” amongst themselves. When done, Gilmore gives another series of hand signals to the Chairman.]

Chairman: The Council will deliberate on this request. In the meantime, they’re calling in on your contract.

Slush: To do what?

Chairman: What else? To commentate!

Slush: [MEEP]!

[The crowd cheers as Slush is dragged over to the commentary table. They force him into a seat on the left side. A new person joins him at the table. He’s balding and wears fairly thick glasses. At some point in his life, you just got to know he was some kind of train wreck. Even still, he’s here and happy to be so. He takes his place on the right side and puts on a pair of headphones.]

RR: Welcome everyone to another episode of IPW’s Wrestling Night in Canada! As always I’m Ralphie “Gator” Reigh and joining me tonight on commentary is somebody that needs no introduction.

Slush: Seriously? We’re doing this now?

RR: Of course we are. It’s Wrestling Night in Canada.

Slush: Wonderful. When’s curling night. And Moose Tipping night?

RR: We’ve got several matches lined up tonight, showcasing the new blood IPW has recently signed. Let’s go ringside.

Slush: We _are_ ringside.

RR: Our first match of the evening features perennial IPW favorite Lumberjack Yokohama. He’s had one hell of a winning streak going, putting him in prime position to be named the number one contender to the IPW Great Northern Heavyweight Title.

Slush: Lumberjack Yokohama?

RR: Tonight he faces rookie sensation Billy “Bluetooth” Jones.

Slush: Bluetooth? Are they stopping all the good gimmicks at the border? Is this what the Patriot Act has done to Canada?

RR: Mock all you want but Billy “Bluetooth” Jones is the official wrestler of Moose Jaw Channel 31’s sports program, “The George Yzerman Sports Winnebago.”

Slush: That’s a thing? Listen, I’m here to learn Can Fu so I can punch Tom Landis so hard in the groin that his retinas detach.

RR: Soon enough grasshopper. Let’s get to the action!

================================
IPW WRESTLING NIGHT IN CANADA
================================
LUMBERJACK YOKOHAMA
versus BILLY “BLUETOOTH” JONES
================================

[The Chairman isn’t lying. Lumberjack Yokohama is a fan favorite, especially to those that he tosses stuffed blue ox plush toys too. Once at the ring, he sets aside his novelty plastic lumberjack axe and prepares to face the youngster. Billy “Bluetooth” Jones is a popular kid, and though not as popular as the elder Yokohama, he comes across as still quite the idol to the ladies. Talking on his bluetooth ear piece, he comes down the aisle and winks at all the women, melting their hearts.]

RR: According to Jones’ bio page at the official IPW website, Jones enjoys snow skiing and skydiving. His hobbies include nude modeling and building statues out of toothpicks and gummy bears.

Slush: I never thought I’d say this, but I don’t think there is anything I can possibly say in this environment and prove myself to be the most insane person here. That shouldn’t be possible.

RR: Oh get this, according to his page, him talking on his bluetooth device is called “toothing.” Wow, I love slang.

Slush: You used to snort the nose candy didn’t you?

[The match begins with a brawl. As soon as the bell rang, the earpieces and stuffed blue oxes were dropped and the two went right at it. Closed fists are used, demonstrating just how lenient IPW referees are with their officiating when it comes to all matters brawling. If you take away the various trips to the ropes, one would almost mistake this match for a MMA fight. The crowd continues its chants of “We Want Blood” to which Lumberjack Yokohama is happy to oblige. After repeated fists to Jones’ brow, Bluetooth is busted wide open. He fights valiantly, further endearing him to the blood thirsty crowd. But Yokohama continues to wear the youngster down. As fatigue and blood loss set in, Yokohama executed his favorite maneuver, the Widowmaker, and takes the pin.]

WINNER BY PINFALL: Lumberjack Yokohama
================================

RR: Wow, what a match! That gets my stamp of approval.

Slush: I’m sure they’re thrilled.

RR: You know what they call that?

Slush: [Sarcastically] I’m dying to find out

RR: That match just got Gator Reighed!

[THUD~!

That’s the sound of Slush’s forehead hitting the table.]

Slush: I really can’t stand this anymore.

RR: Next up, we have a match that features...

Slush: You know what? No.

RR: No what?

Slush: I’m not going to take this anymore!

[Slush stands on the table and dares... DARES... to point at the Council of Three.]

Slush: Listen up you redneck maple slurping ice jockeys! I came here to learn Can Fu! By God, I am going to [MEEP]ing learn Can Fu!

RR: In all my years, I’ve never heard someone with so much venom.

Slush: Shut it Gator! Keep quiet unless you want me to kick you in the head so hard, not even Tim Tebow can save your soul!

RR: The savior!

Slush: Teach me Can Fu [MEEP]damnit!

[The Council of Three confer with one another. The Chairman walks up the steps to take part in the conversation but at the same time, he keeps his head respectfully bowed. After some deliberation, the Chairman nods and turns to face Slush.]

Chairman: Very well outlander. You shall be taught the ways of Can Fu...







...INSIDE THIS VERY RING!

Slush: Ah [MEEP]me.

[The guards quickly seize Slush and take him from the table. Gator cowers in fear as they do so and only peaks out when they are gone. The two guards toss Slush into the ring and enter themselves to ensure that Slush does not escape. “The Chairman” Gordon Aussicker comes to the bottom of the Council’s platform and raises his hands to gain the attention of the crowd.]

Chairman: Ladies and gentlemen, this outlander demands... DEMANDS... that he be taught the ways of Can Fu. Shall we teach him?

[The crowd cheers enthusiastically.]

Chairman: I can’t hear you!

[The crowd cheers even louder.]

Chairman: SHALL WE TEACH HIM?!?

[It’s the loudest crowd response yet. And their demand... their blood lust is answered...

...by a techno remixed version of Tina Turner’s “We Don’t Need Another Hero.” Red lights shine down upon the entrance portal that Slush was dragged from earlier in the show. From it comes a muscular monster standing at least six feet, eight inches. His legs are covered in dusty black leather. His hands are fitted with black, possibly blood stained gloves. He wears a massive helmet that gives no hint of his identity or personality. His aura though is both menacing and evil. By all accounts, this man is a monster.

And upon his waist he wears the IPW Great Northern Heavyweight Championship belt.]

Champion: I present to you the Champion of Can Fu...




...MASTER BASTARD!

================================
IPW WRESTLING NIGHT IN CANADA
================================
MASTER BASTARD
versus SLUSH
================================

[The masked marauder of IPW comes from the entrance as if it were the very mouth of Hell. He stomps to the ring and pulls himself to the ring apron without the aid of steps. He swings his legs over the top ropes and comes towards Slush. This incarnate of destruction looks down and you can hear the growling over the camera microphone. Slush looks up, but he does not fear though he should.]

RR: This could be a bloodbath ladies and gentlemen. a bloodbath of epic proportions! Surely this will be featured on the Sports Winnebago!

[Slush asks for a microphone despite the match having been started officially. The Master Bastard waits patiently though it is unknown if he’ll wait for long. A ring attendant moves like a ninja to hand a guard the mic. It is then passed off to Slush.]

RR: Slush had better be careful. One wrong word and Master Bastard is likely going to use his devastating finisher... the Widowmaker!

Slush: Okay, I get it. He’s your champion.

[Slush feigns a clap.]

Slush: But I’ve seen this movie. Two men enters, one man leaves, blah, blah, blah.I know that as soon as you take off that mask, we’ll all see he’s a retard. I have ethics. I don’t fight [MEEP]ing retards!

[The Master Bastard snatches the microphone from Slush’s hands, catching the smaller man off guard. The Master raises it to his lips and after a moment of growling... he speaks.]

Master Bastard: I say old boy, that’s not very sporting of you.

[The crowd gasps, expectations defied.]

Master Bastard: I was hoping to have a jolly good match here. I do so crave the theatrics of an exhilarating contest of strength and aerodynamics. But you’ve taken all the fun out. Good day sir.

[Master Bastard starts walking towards the ring ropes and steps out the same way he stepped in.]

Chairman: Master Bastard, where are you going?

Master Bastard: I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!!

[The monster drops down to the floor and exits out of the entrance portal. The crowd is stunned.]

RR: Someway, somehow... Slush has won...

...by default!

WINNER BY DEFAULT: Slush
================================

Slush: See there? I just won! NOW TEACH ME CAN FU MOTHER [MEEP]ERS!

[The Council of Three begin to confer with one another yet again. An agitated Chairman joins the conversation to put forth his input. After a moment of discussion a wicked smile crosses the Chairman’s face. He again turns to the crowd and raises his hands to gain their attention.]

Chairman: There will be no Can Fu... unless you can win this match.

Slush: I just won a match.

Chairman: Yes, by default. We don’t like that.

Slush: Oh come on. It’s not like I won a Stanley Cup because of the flu. Oh wait, you chicken [MEEP]s didn’t play because of the flu in 1919! BURN!

[Yes, that was almost 100 years ago yet these Canadians hang their head when thinking of those dark times.]

Chairman: GUARDS! Bring out the other interloper!

[Two more guards pop out of the entrance portal carrying a person who has a burlap sack over their head. They force the poor bastard into the ring before entering themselves. They stand the masked man up and put him before Slush. They spin him around to face the Chairman. The mask is pulled off and his identity is revealed...]

Pinhead: Man, worst vacation ever.

Chairman: Interloper, you have been called to duty!

Pinhead: Interloper? You kidnapped me! I was on vacation with my girlfriend! It’s called cross country skiing! Look it up!

Chairman: Interloper, you will fight a match!

Pinhead: A match? I haven’t wrestled in years. Listen, whoever I’m facing, he can’t be pleased that...

[As Pinhead talks, he turns around, finally seeing who his opponent is going to be.]

Pinhead: [MEEP]damnit Slush. What the Hell did you drag me into?

Slush: I didn’t do anything jerkwad! I should be blaming you!

Pinhead: If I’ve learned anything Slush its that it’s always your fault.

Chairman: FIGHT!

================================
IPW WRESTLING NIGHT IN CANADA
================================
PINHEAD
versus SLUSH
================================

[Slush and Pinhead look at one another, and in knowing that they’re both forced to fight, neither is happy. Pinhead begins to stretch out. Slush rolls his eyes and turns to face the Chairman once again to plead his case.]

Slush: Do I really need to repeat myself? I’m not going to fight Pinhead for the same reason I didn’t want to fight Master Bastard. I don’t fight reta...

[PUNCH~!]

RR: DOWN GOES SLUSH! DOWN GOES SLUSH!

[Ralphie catches his breath.]

RR: Wow... he didn’t even need a Widowmaker to win!

[With a mighty right hook, Pinhead catches Slush across the jaw. The smaller yet more annoying member of the MBC commentary team crumples to the mat. The referee rushes over to check on him. Immediately, he calls the match.

WINNER BY TKO: Pinhead
================================

Pinhead: That felt good. I feel good.

Chairman: Pinhead, congratulations. YOU HAVE MASTERED CAN FU~!

[And the crowd goes wild.]

Pinhead: Yeah, whatever. Can I leave?

Slush: Wh.. what... the.... fu...

Pinhead: Oh great, he’s already waking up.

[Suddenly, the roar of an engine bursts through the entrance portal. From it comes a Harley Davidson motorcycle. On it sits a driver dressed in leather, pants, jacket, hands and all. The figure is decidedly female but her head is covered by a helmet with a tinted visor. She drives around the ring and pulls up to the bottom of the stairs which lead to the Council of Three.]

Chairman: Who dares approach the Council of Three?

Driver: I’m here to collect the two of them.

[She points to Pinhead and Slush. Slush is sitting up and rubbing his jaw, trying to figure out what’s going on.]

Slush: Did I win?

Pinhead: You’re always a winner buddy. Always.

[The Chairman quickly confers with the Council while Pinhead helps Slush to his feet.]

Chairman: The personal services contract of the loud one belongs to them. And the skinny one trespassed on our land. Neither will go cheap.

Pinhead: I was cross country skiing.

Slush: With your girlfriend?

Pinhead: Yes!

Slush: Notice that they didn’t kidnap her. Is there really a woman Pinhead?

Pinhead: Yes, there is.

Slush: Is there?

Pinhead: Yes, moron.

[The Driver stares at the two of them as they argue and shakes her head. One can tell she doesn’t really want to take them but she must.]

Driver: Payment can be made.

Chairman: Then make an offer.

Driver: I have a trailer full of beer and Tim Horton doughnuts out in the parking lot.

Chairman: Deal!

Pinhead: Really? Beer and dooghnuts? That’s all I’m worth?

Slush: If it makes you feel better, I can get a couple kegs of Heinekin and some steak for you on the black market.

[Pinhead stares at Slush, shocked.]

Slush: Hell, you should see what your liver will go for.

[The deal being struck, the driver takes her motor cycle and waves the two commentators out of the ring. They eagerly leave and take up positions behind her as they start to head out the entrance portal. But... nothing can be that easy.]

Chairman: HALT!

[Several guards appear from the entrance, blocking the way out.]

Pinhead: What’d you do Slush?

Slush: Why do you always blame me for things?

Pinhead: Because you’re pretty much always to blame.

Chairman: You, driver. We know who you are.

[Her shoulders slump. Knowing she’s not going to get away, she gets off her motorcycle and turns back to face the Council of Three.]

Chairman:There is no point to keep up the charade. Remove your helmet.

[She puts her hands on her hips, grunting with disappointment. After a moment or two of weighing fight versus flight, she acquiesces and removes her helmet. She reveals herself to be former UWF Commissioner Allison Chambers.]

AC: There. Happy?

Chairman: Not quite yet.

Slush: Who’s that?

Pinhead: You’d know who it was if you paid attention.

[Slush leans back to get a good look at Chamber’s rear end.]

Slush: Oooooooh. Her. Yeah, I know her.

Pinhead: Or paid attention to the right thing.

Chairman: We’re not very happy with how you dealt with Iron Puck while you were in charge of the UWF roster.

AC: Your demands were impossible. There was no way I could accept them.

Chairman: You wanted mystery ingredients! We gave you mystery ingredients!

AC: You gave me crap!

Chairman: You are in our kitchen! You will cook with what we give you.

Slush: What’s gong on?

Pinhead: I don’t know, but I have a feeling we’re not going to be allowed to leave anytime soon.

Chairman: We will give you an opportunity to rectify your sins.

AC: Sure, whatever.

Chairman: You will be able to leave if...

…YOU WIN A MATCH!

================================
IPW WRESTLING NIGHT IN CANADA
================================
ALLISON CHAMBERS
versus ???
================================

[Chambers simply rolls her eyes, sets her helmet on her Harley and starts walking to the ring, accepting the fate before her. The guards proceed to escort Slush and Pinhead back to the commentary table, rejoining Ralphie “Gator” Reigh.]

RR: Fans, we have a real treat. Now joining us on commentary is wrestling legend, Pinhead.

Slush: Really? You consider him a legend?

Pinhead: I paid my dues. I think I’ve earned it.

Slush: Really? Maybe if somebody said your name five times in front of a mirror and a dude with a hook hand killed horny teenagers... then maaaaybe...

Chairman: Tonight! You’re opponent shall be... ALEJANDRA “NUTCUTTER” MCKRAKEN!!!

[The crowd roars with happiness upon hearing McKraken’s name, The chants for blood once again begin in earnest. From the entrance portal comes a bull of a woman. She is short in stature but by no means petite. One can not tell if she’s all muscle or fat. Regardless, she looks like she could break someone in half. Her jet black hair has braids of multicolored hair woven into it and her makeup is like that of a demon.]

Slush: Now SHE is hot!

RR: See those braids of different colored hair? All trophies from past victories.

Pinhead: I didn’t realize that IPW had a women’s division.

RR: We don’t. She’s our Television champion.

[Allison removes her leather motorcycle jacket and readies herself as best as she can for what is to come. McKraken licks her lips, ready to devour yet another opponent. Once the bell ring, the Nutcutter charges, knocking Chambers to the mat. Alejandra is merciless in her attacks, striking at Chambers every time the less experienced wrestler tries to get up.]

Pinhead: It should be noted that Allison Chambers has no experience in that ring.

RR: Alejandra eats the inexperienced for breakfast.

Slush: Do they comes out experienced with the next day’s bowel movement?

RR: Interesting thought.

Slush: You know Ralphie. I’m starting to like you.

[McKraken continues her assaults, finally resorting to taunting Chambers. Alejandra berates her for being pretty and defenseless. So Chambers does what any woman in her position would do against a bigger opponent who by all accounts has more testosterone than New Jersey. She kicks her square between the legs.]

Pinhead: It worked! McKraken is in pain! How the Hell does that work?

Slush: Given her name is “Nutcutter”, I’m going to assume that she has amassed the power of her opponents by emasculating them. And in taking away their manhood, she has for all intents and purposes, become a man herself. And to be a man, is to have his weakness.

RR: Fast cars and faster woman?

Slush: I won’t rule it out.

[Chambers takes the opportunity to mount her own offense, utilizing a series of holds meant to wear the bigger woman down. When the great beast starts to stir, Chambers begins to focus on Alejandra’s knee. Chambers is so quick that McKraken can not respond.]

RR: Look at the speed on Chambers. And she’s got some skills too!

Pinhead: You do realize she went to high school with Tesla St. James right?

Slush: Who?

RR: So?

Pinhead: They’re good friends. You don’t think Tesla isn’t going to teach Allison how to handle herself?

Slush: Well there have always been rumors about...

Pinhead: Don’t finish that statement.

[Chambers continues to strike the right knee of McKraken until finally, the “Nutcutter” tumbles like a mighty redwood nestled deep in a California forest. Chambers takes up Alejandra’s legs and applies the finisher she had been taught by her close friend, the Red Irish. McKraken fights like a mighty sea beast, eating sailors and sinking ships. But Chambers has learned the move well and eventually, McKraken gives it up, tapping out..]

WINNER BY SUBMISSION: Allison Chambers
================================

Slush: So did Chambers win the championship?

RR: It was non-title. And possibly non canon.

Slush: Like the Star Wars Christmas Special?

RR: DO NOT SPEAK OF IT!

[Chambers rolls out of the ring and walks straight to the commentator's table. She takes a moment to catch her breath before speaking.]

AC: Get your [MEEP] together. We’re getting out of here.

[For once in his life, Slush makes a wise decision and keeps quiet. He and Pinhead stand and follow Chambers back to her motorcycle. The Chairman stands in silent disbelief and the Council of Three look on with admiration. The guards allow them all to pass and into the entrance portal they go...

Fade to black...

And then fade out of black to the Iron Puck Stadium Parking lot. Chambers has put her motorcycle jacket back on. Both Slush and Pinhead are wrapped in IPW brand jackets. They sure do know how to market their product!]

Slush: So warm... so Shatneriffic!

Pinhead: If you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing here of all places?

AC: I was sent to find you.

Pinhead: You were? By who?

AC: That’s not important. What’s important is that I found you and I can get on with my mission.

Pinhead: I would have thought you’d given up any association with the MBC and wrestling long ago. Especially after what happened.

AC: It’s complicated okay...

Pinhead: I heard you worked at a car dealership

Slush: I heard you were a lesbian, disgraced by a harem of Japanese women

Pinhead: I even heard you changed your name.

Slush: Are lesbian Japanese women everything I’ve been told by hentai?

AC: GUYS!

Pinhead: Sorry, force of habit.

Slush: Well? Are they?

AC: I was sent to find you Pinhead.

Pinhead: Why me?

Slush: Why him? I’m more delicious.

AC: Because Pinhead’s more trusted.

Slush: You can trust me.

AC: I’d rather buy an Isuzu from that guy from “Empty Nest.”

Slush: An 80’s reference? Really? No wonder you got fired.

[The beginnings of a migraine coming on, Allison rubs her temples, quietly reciting a stress relieving mantra only she can hear. Slush and Pinhead stare at her like deer caught in headlights. She sighs and looks at them, disappointed that humanity can create such a pair of dolts. She reaches into a saddle bag on her Harley and pulls out a package wrapped in dark blue cloth. She offers it up to Pinhead. He looks at it and then her, both with states of confusion before taking it.]

Pinhead: What is it?

AC: Just open the damn thing.

[Not wanting to piss the woman off any further, Pinhead begins to unwrap the cloth from the package. In it he finds a large, leather bound book.]

Slush: What the Hell is that? Why does it have a strange face on the front?

Pinhead: Quiet Slush. Is this...?

AC: The Bastardnomicon, written by the mad Texan himself and bound in the flesh of armadillos and pecans.

Slush: Pecans are yummy.

Pinhead: Show respect Slush. This is the official rulebook of the MBC.

[Pinhead gently opens the text, glancing at its pages.]

Slush: Why are there so many sticky notes inside?

Pinhead: Why are you giving this to me?

AC: There’s a problem. Remember how the MBC closed down once it was split off from the UWF?

Pinhead: Yeah.

Slush: Damn that Moe Owens! I spit on his twin brother’s grave!

AC: Since President Lee was incapacitated, things fell to the Board of Regents to take care of. They sold the UWF off but things got so messed up in the process that the MBC had to be closed down. And all the assets were split amongst the Regents.

Slush: So?

AC: The MBC has been split into several pieces. Instead of one, the MBC is now basically seven separate territories, all with chunks of the MBC’s infrastructure. None of them will cooperate with the other. And they all want that book.

Pinhead: They’re just... what.... indy feds?

Slush: Why do they want the book?

AC: There were eight rings that the MBC used when it was open. Seven of those rings were split up amongst the territories.

Pinhead: And the eighth?

AC: That’s the original ring, first used when the MBC opened in 1996.. It’s still in Dallas. Whoever has that book can use that ring and can hold a show in Dallas. So they all want that book. They all want that ring.

Slush: One ring to rule them all...

AC: Exactly.

Pinhead: So what am I supposed to do? I can’t use the ring. I’m retired and I’m not a fedhead.

AC: There’s a big problem coming if you don’t unify the territories and bring back the champions. You’ll need to travel to each fed’s territory and visit every champion. Get them all to come to Dallas.

Pinhead: Again? Why me?

Slush: Why him?

AC: They’ll listen to you more than they will anybody else.

Slush: Pfft, I never listen to him.

AC: You must invoke the rules of the Bastardnomicon and bring back the MBC.

Slush: Christ, this is one hell of a convoluted way to open the [MEEP]hole again.

Pinhead: I’ll do it.

Slush: You will?

Pinhead: Yes, I will.

Slush: I thought you were on vacation with your girlfriend.

AC: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her.

[Pinhead and Slush grow quiet, staring at Allison and thinking of all the rumors...]

Pinhead: …

Slush: …

AC: What?

Pinhead: It’s been nice seeing you Slush. But I’ve got work to do.

Slush: What? You’re leaving me?

Pinhead: You don’t have to come along.

Slush: Oh, I’m coming! Just to spite you! And I plan on bitching every minute!

[Pinhead sighs. It has begun...]

Pinhead: So where are we going? And how will we get there? I don’t have a rental car.

Slush: Flash a little leg, boob or nut cleavage and I’m sure somebody will pull over.

AC: I’m not coming with you. How are you going to flash boob?

Slush: Man boobs are an underrated commodity.

Pinhead: We’ll just rent a motorcycle

Slush: I’m not riding bitch!

Pinhead: We’ll just get a damned sidecar.

Slush: Where are we going to get a motorcycle?

AC: You can get one the same place I did.

[Allison points just beyond the parking lot. Slush and Pinhead turn to look across the street and see a sign that reads “Janick’s Motorcycle Rentals and Waffle House.” Next to it is a sign that reads “Welcome to Vancouver.” Canadian wilderness indeed.]

Slush: Don’t worry. I’ll pay for it.

Pinhead: With what? Your credit rating committed suicide years ago

Slush: I have Chris O’Brien’s credit card.

Pinhead: How did one of the Frat Boys get a credit card?

Slush: You know credit card companies. They prey on college students.

Pinhead: Did he actually go to college?

Slush: Strictly speaking, he went to the campus. I can’t vouch for him going to actual classes.

AC: Wow, you two actually talk this much in real life?

Slush: I like to hear myself talk.

AC: I gathered.

Slush: Where we going first?

[The question raised, Pinhead opens the book right to the middle. Why the middle? Why not?]

Pinhead: First stop... El Paso.

[The dramatic music cues up and the camera pulls back. The sun begins to set with the silhouettes of Pinhead, Slush and Allison Chambers up against the dying of the light. We fade and are finally given white text that reads...]

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Fade to sweet merciful black.]
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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Overly_Critical_Jue
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Amigo, I ain't anybody but Juan Vasquez!
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Nothing ever happened between Miyuki and Allison Chambers...at least nothing that was documented by camera and then sold to Vivid video!
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MBCKyle
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Overly_Critical_Jue,Jan 23 2012
05:10 PM
Nothing ever happened between Miyuki and Allison Chambers...at least nothing that was documented by camera and then sold to Vivid video!

I think the key word you're looking for is "yet."
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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Overly_Critical_Jue
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Amigo, I ain't anybody but Juan Vasquez!
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It all makes sense now...crazed psycho lesbian stalker Allison Chambers is the woman in black.
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MBCKyle
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Overly_Critical_Jue,Jan 23 2012
05:23 PM
It all makes sense now...crazed psycho lesbian stalker Allison Chambers is the woman in black.

And thus, the circle of life is complete!
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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Picky
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Now let us retreat wench, for tonight, we feast on snobbery...
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Everyone knows you have to pass through the domicile of the ice salamanders and the mad horde of nachtelk before you can even sniff Vancouver. This whole scenario is highly inaccurate!
Have I told you how much I loathe your continued existence today?

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The DeWolfe Pack
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Five stars, would read again!

(Quietly puts Kyle on a secret "Enemies of the State" list all Canadians keep, written in maple syrup.)

(Eats some poutine.)

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MBCKyle
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The DeWolfe Pack,Jan 24 2012
07:03 AM
(Quietly puts Kyle on a secret "Enemies of the State" list all Canadians keep, written in maple syrup.)


As many times as the MBC has skewered Canada, its about damn time!
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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MBCKyle
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Picky,Jan 23 2012
09:29 PM
Everyone knows you have to pass through the domicile of the ice salamanders and the mad horde of nachtelk before you can even sniff Vancouver. This whole scenario is highly inaccurate!

is that what socktopolis told you?
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

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texanspaniard
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This was AWESOME! Whenever I get around to doing the next podcast I am so going to go nuts pouring love on this show! MBC MBC MBC!
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Picky
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Now let us retreat wench, for tonight, we feast on snobbery...
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MBCKyle,Jan 24 2012
10:50 AM
Picky,Jan 23 2012
09:29 PM
Everyone knows you have to pass through the domicile of the ice salamanders and the mad horde of nachtelk before you can even sniff Vancouver. This whole scenario is highly inaccurate!

is that what socktopolis told you?

The good doctor is well versed in multi-dimensional and almost figmentary places. Canada qualifies.
Have I told you how much I loathe your continued existence today?

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MBCKyle
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Picky,Jan 24 2012
07:58 PM
MBCKyle,Jan 24 2012
10:50 AM
Picky,Jan 23 2012
09:29 PM
Everyone knows you have to pass through the domicile of the ice salamanders and the mad horde of nachtelk before you can even sniff Vancouver. This whole scenario is highly inaccurate!

is that what socktopolis told you?

The good doctor is well versed in multi-dimensional and almost figmentary places. Canada qualifies.

When can I expect his app?
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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