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| [MBC] Unnamed Bastard Show - Ep 5 - HOUR ONE | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 6 2012, 02:03 PM (3,530 Views) | |
| MBCKyle | Aug 6 2012, 02:03 PM Post #1 |
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
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IN THE BEGINNING... [Yes, it’s a voice you know.] REALITY WAS WITHOUT FORM [And we are in darkness.] THEN THERE WAS LIGHT, AND IT WAS GOOD [Dawn breaks over calm waters, not an obstruction in sight save for a few clouds.] THEN THERE WAS LAND DIVIDED FROM THE WATERS AND IT WAS GOOD [The camera pans and we see land in the distance. It is green and lush...] THEN THE LANDS WERE FILLED WITH LIFE [But you know... meh.] THEN THE WATERS WERE FILLED WITH LIFE [A dolphin breaks the surface of the water, then another. And then another. Oh, how nature is beautiful.] BUT NOT JUST LIFE, IDEAS [Hmmm... kind of hard to show an “idea” in this context...] SNORKELING [Snorkeling? Really?] JET SKIS [Okay jet skis I can do. Give me a second to cue up...] BIKINIS [Oookay, maybe I can do bikinis ON the jet skis. I need just a second...] CRUISE SHIPS [I’m still working on the damn jet skis! What is your problem narrator guy?] CRUISE SHIP WRESTLING [Ah, [MEEP] it. Just go to the musical intro. If you need a reference even with this BLATANT rip off... I mean.. parody... then here you go... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmUlKPthrag Fade in to see a giant cruise liner- the SS McGinley- and familiar 70's strings playing. A chyron below reads "SEVEN SEAS WRESTLING" Wrestling! So fun and new Come aboard, we're expecting you [Pan to see a sixty-ish man with large white hair, and an expansive face, waving his arms and yelling at someone offscreen. The chyron below reads "Starring RICHARD BEAUMONT"] Wrestling, What a great trip And where better, than on a ship? [The screen cuts to another sixty-ish man, with slicked back white hair and thick black glasses, talking to three women in bikinis as he sips a coffee. The chyron now reads "Starring BOBBY BEAUMONT"] Cruise Ship Wrestling will be making another run The Cruise Ship Wrestling has something for everyone [The screen cuts to an exasperated twenty something with curly black hair as he struggles to build the ring. The chyron reads "with TONY BEAUMONT"] Set a course for adventure Your mind on some grappling fun [The screen fades to a beautiful blonde lounging by the pool. The chyron reads "featuring LOLITA LOVE"] And the wrestling will be really great It's a four star match that will really rate [The screen sees someone pushing a food cart, then a hand reach out from behind a corner to snag a blueberry muffin off the tray before anyone notices. The chyron reads "featuring RYU OSAWA"] It's fun Welcome aboard [The screen changes to see a familiar African-American man in a white coat smiling at the camera. The chyron reads "and TED LANGE as ISAAC WASHINGTON"] It's fun! [The intro fades to the open air of one of New Orleans’ many docks. Here, the S.S. McGinley is readying for departure. The final pieces of baggage and cargo are being loaded into the holds of the ship. But nobody wants to see that.] Crew Woman: Welcome aboard! [The camera follows the ramp that leads onto the ship. Here, passengers are welcomed by the bright eyed and bushy tailed activity director.] Crew Woman: I’m your Activity Director Mildred Hopestead! My team and I are here to make sure your experience on the S.S. McGinley is the happiest of days! [Hopestead takes the ticket from the unseen passenger.] Crew Woman: Ah, Mister Steve Jones, you’ve purchased our premium package. Passenger: BEHOLD! [The camera pans over to see our bald friend to has appeared at every UBS so far. He’s still bald. He’s still a little rotund. And though he wears a gaudy Hawaiian shirt, he still drapes a coat over one arm. Gives it that toga effect.] Passenger: LEGEND TELLS OF YOUR LEGENDARY BUFFET! Hopestead: Why yes it surely does, Mr. Jones Passenger: I AM KNOWN IN THE COSMOS AS UATU! Hopestead: Well, domo arigato, Mister Uatu. Enjoy your stay. Steve “Uatu” Jones: EXCELSIOR! [Our bald observer moves on and Miss Hopestead moves on to our next set of passengers.] Hopestead: Welcome aboard! I’m your Activity Director Mildred Hopestead! My team and I are here to make sure your experience on the S.S. McGinley is the happiest of days! [And into the view of the camera comes...] Slush: Is there really a poop deck? Pinhead: Not on board for thirty seconds before you say something stupid... Hopestead: Ah, Mister Danza and Mister McAllister. We’ve been expecting you. Slush: Hah! Top billing Pinhead! Eat it! Hopestead: We have your room ready for you. The Honeymoon suite is fully equipped with... Pinhead: Wait... honeymoon suite? Hopestead: Yes. We got you the “Same Sex Marriage Extravaganza” Package you requested... Pinhead: I didn’t request that. I ordered two rooms on opposite sides of the ship. Slush: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I changed that. Pinhead: You what? When? Slush: Dude, free RuPaul tickets! RUPAUL! I love my iPhone! Pinhead: You’ve known about this cruise for all of ten minutes. Slush: For you, its ten minutes. For our fans, not to go too meta, it’s been like… a month and a half. [Slush turns back to Miss Hopestead.] Slush: Is the sex swing installed? Pinhead: WHAT THE HELL? Slush: Dude, there are all kinds of hot cougars on the prowl on these ships. If there’s a sock on the doorknob, you’ll know you’ll have to find somewhere else to sleep. Hopestead: Your presence has been requested by Mr. Beaumont and Mr. Beaumont. Before we send you down for the wrestling show, they’ve prepared orientation. Pinhead: Great. I can tell I’m going to hate this already. [Pinhead walks away while Slush leans into whisper into Hopestead’s ear.] Slush: He’s totally a bottom. [Fade to logo...] THE MIGHTY BASTARD CHAMPIONSHIP PRESENTS THE UNNAMED BASTARD SHOW EPISODE FIVE: AQUAMAN [MEEP]ING SUCKS A FAT ONE! or TAKE THAT BACK! AQUAMAN [MEEP]ING RULES! or NOT REALLY! I CAN’T SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE! [The logo fades... There's a small room, with a few schoolchildren chair-desk combinations. Seated uncomfortably in two of those chairs are Slush and Pinhead.] Slush: Dammit! How the hell did we get here? Pinhead: We were told to come here for 'Orientation', whatever that is. [Standing in front of the room is a small, thin adult with curly brown hair and a wide grin. He's standing next to an 8mm projector.] TB: Guys, thanks for coming. I'm Tony Beaumont, and it's an honor to meet two wrestling announcer legends such as yourselves. [Slush and Pinhead look at each other with surprise] TB: You're coming to Seven Seas Wrestling, the only wrestling league held on cruise ships, and I wanted to give you some background on the men who run this league, my uncles Bobby and Richard Beaumont. Slush: Oh, this should be good. Where's Tinkle? I heard Tinkle was here. TB: He bowed out to hit the buffet. Slush: Well, then, I will too! [Slush struggles but can't escape the chair-desk. Tony shuts down the lights and turns on the 8mm projector. The pull down screen at the end of the room comes to life with a pair of wrestlers wearing loud polyester suits, one with large blonde hair and the other wearing thick glasses. They enter the ring and begin pummeling two nameless guys. Tony narrates.] TB: The "Battlin' Beaumont Brothers" were one of the legendary teams in the 70s, brawling with tag teams all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, Florida, Texas, and the Dakotas. They made their name with their vicious double teams and ruthless behavior, both in... [Cut to a Disco Hall, where both men are brawling on the dance floor with what looks like three guys who didn't make the cut of a John Travolta Lookalike contest. About six security men are coming down to separate things.] TB: ...and out of the ring. Pinhead: Didn't you used to have a maroon naugahyde suit like that one? Slush: Used to? Why would I get rid of something that magnificent?!? [The scene fades and we are taken to the main hall of the S.S. McGinley. The balconies of the interior cabins all over look this wide open space which has been converted into a mobile sports venue. The focus of it all is a ring, emblazoned with a logo that reads “SSW” and colored in hues of orange and red. Security barriers have been set up around the ring with rows of seating set up behind that. An aisle way leads through a set of double doors. Curtains and multicolored lights have been set up around it to enhance the effect. A large television monitor has been setup near a bay of elevators, showing the feed for the show.] HA: Aloha one and all! Welcome to Seven Seas Wrestling! GE: Your cruise destination for wrestling confrontation! [Set up near ringside is a table covered with a large blue cloth that drapes over the front with the same SSW logo that marks the inside of the ring. Atop the table are monitors, pens, paper and all the other accoutrements one would expect for wrestling commentators. There are four chairs, two filled and two empty. Sitting the furthest to the right is a paler fellow, hair black but highly styled. It’s very pompadour like in its shape. He’s got a cocky smile and those lensless glasses you see as all the rage for basketball players. The other man sitting right next to him is short and stout and balding with a greying beard and a straw hat.] HA: I’m your host for the evening Henry Avalon. Joining me ringside as always is SSW color commentator Gil Eisen. GE: Ahoy! HA: Tonight’s show is brought to you by the fine folks at Vodacce Cruise Lines and their title sponsor, Castille Resorts. Remember, when it comes to vacations, if you have an itch, they gave it to you. GE: They may want to rethink that slogan. HA: Oh I agree. But you know how it is. People don’t think around here. GE: Sounds like they’re giving people crabs. HA: We’d like to welcome the fine folks from the Unnamed Bastard Show. We hope they enjoy their stay and when it’s all said and done, may we say... GE: Take us with you? HA: No kidding. GE: You think working on a cruise ship is cool when you first sign on. But then you become allergic to buffet crab meat. I don’t think it’s actually crab meat. HA: We’ve got a fully stocked card including a MBC fan favorite Blind Stipulation Match. And in the main event, Jonas “Dutch” Elm defends the Grandmaster Typo Championship against “Hentai” Ryu Osawa. GE: People keep asking me about Max Benson and how he became “Lost at Sea.” I tell them all the same thing. HA: That you’re under a court mandated gag order not to talk about it? GE: That too. But scientific minds state that he’s still alive. That’s good enough for me. HA: But you know what “good enough” gets you right? [Henry and Gil look around and sigh.] HA: How about we go to our first match? GE: Who do we have? HA: This Kiyomi woman versus Madison Kobo. GE: Ah... Kiyomi. HA: There a problem? GE: Well... I tried to get an interview with her but... I fell into the pool. HA: You know I hear that happens a lot around her. GE: She _is_ rather beautiful. [We open to the poolside area of the SS McGinley as a pair of long, bare legs step into view. The camera pans upward and keeps on panning up, as we see the impossibly gorgeous Kiyomi standing before us in a silk robe, wearing a sparkling tiara and a sash reading "MISS SS MCGINLEY 2012"...and then time slows to a crawl as everything begins moving in slow motion. All eyes at poolside immediately turn towards the six foot four inch tall, Japanese golden goddess, as she sashays her way across the walkway, with cue cards in hand. As she walks, she sheds her silk robe, revealing the two-piece swimsuit she's wearing underneath it... ...and all jaws drop. This is no ordinary scene of mesmerizing beauty. This is Venus emerging from a seashall after rising from Poseidon's tide. This is Helen of Troy launching a thousand ships. This is the sort of beautiful that a magical talking mirror would tell an evil queen about, forcing you to hideout in a forest with dwarves because she sent someone to cut out your heart. This is "get arrested for stalking her so you can have the pleasure of seeing her face-to-face in court when you're slapped with a restraining order" levels of beauty. However, Kiyomi is oblivious to it all. The admiration of mortals is beneath the notice of a goddess, after all. She walks up to the camera and then spins around to face her crowd of converted worshippers. She holds up the first one cue card: "BRING ME THE BOOK..." Without any real prompting, a sudden rush of men _and_ women can be seen running off, presumably in search of "the book." Meanwhile, Kiyomi tosses the cue card aside, revealing another one beneath it: "...AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. " That revelation causes the remaining few at poolside to immediately vacate the area. Kiyomi slightly pouts, as she's left standing there alone. She tosses the cue card aside and holds up her final one to the camera: " MAYBE. <3" She then tosses that cue card aside and strolls over to a lounge chair as the camera lingers on her for an uncomfortably creepy amount of time. Oh, who are we kidding? You couldn't look away if you tried. Kiyomi lies back in the chair and admires her nails, as we finally, regrettably fade out.] GE: Wow... HA: Wow... GE: …can we take a break? I’d like to go to the pool. [Chatter comes in over their headsets.] GE: Fine, fine. We’ll move on. HA: So, know anything about Madison Kobo? GE: The sister of Gary Kobo III. HA: The failed doctor turned professional wrestler? GE: That would be her. HA: What profession did she fail at so bad that she opted to enter professional wrestling? GE: According to her bio, professional Jai alai player. HA: Those exist? In this country? GE: Apparently. HA: Then this match should be... thrilling. ==================================================== =SSW== KIYOMI vs. MADISON KOBO ======= [The ring announcer walked to center ring to make the first of his introductions. However, as he looked around the ring, he noticed that someone was missing. He walked to the corner and leaned over the top rope to get the attention of the time keeper. There, she confirmed what the ring announcer thought was wrong.] HA: Odd, we have no referee. GE: Does that really surprise you? As badly run as this place is? HA: And it’s my understanding that the local chapter of the MBC referee’s union, RUTABEGA, has quite a bit of power on this boat. GE: Meaning? HA: Refs are on a strict “one match per night” limit. And guess what? GE: No substitute referees? GR: Bingo. [After a brief discussion between ring announcer and time keeper, the announcer returns to the center of the ring. Figuring the referee will come down to officiate once the wrestlers appear he goes ahead with his duties. “I Want a New Drug” by Huey Lewis and the News starts to play to call out newcomer Madison Kobo. However, after a few minutes of the song playing, she is nowhere to be seen.] HA: So no referee and we’re missing one of our wrestlers. Just great. GE: But you’re not surprised right? HA: Not in the least. This is how the Beaumonts let things be run. [Finally, someone does come down from the entrance way. However, it’s not the referee, nor Kobo or even Kiyumi. It’s a lowly production assistant. He enters the ring to have a discussion with the ring announcer.] PA: Yeah, I don’t think this match is going to happen. RA: What’s going on? PA: They’re all at the pool. RA: The pool? At a time like this? PA: Have you seen Kiyumi? She’s SMOKING hot man. And she’s wearing this red bikini that’s barely there. RA: Write your Penthouse letters when you’re not on the company dime. PA: That Kobo chick is feeding Kiyumi grapes man. _Sexy_ grapes. RA: Great. [And so, the production assistant leaves the area while the ring announcer goes to take his seat. The crowd stirs with confusion. Well, most do. There are some who researched beforehand. They knew this was coming. Some are heading to the pool to see Kiyumi.] GE: So I guess we’re not having a match? HA: Unless they suddenly have a match at poolside. GE: We’re not that kind of place. HA: You’d think that... GE: So what are we going to do to fill time? "HELLO CLEVELAND!" GE: Oh no... HA: Is that who I think it is? GE: Yes... the feature attraction... HA: Somebody get me ear plugs. GE: Can this show get any worse? [Well, let's find out... as the camera just happens to find what we are looking for. And the shot takes us over to the stage -- yes, this is a cruise line, so there's a stage somewhere on this ship -- and this is where we find the source of those words. Standing on the stage, dressed in a white evening gown and with a big smile on her face, is none other than "The American Idol" Amber Rogers. And seated behind her are quite a few people with various concert band instruments. Amber gives a wave to the fans who are on hand, some who recognize her and greet her with a thumbs down and jeers. Not that Amber cares about that -- all she cares about is the spotlight being right on her.] AR: I _knew_ that would get your attention! But I'm sorry to say that Spinal Tap couldn't be here to provide you the entertainment as promised -- something about how they had other obligations, which is just another way of saying they wanted to get paid more than they were really worth! GE: Or they were smart and bailed. HA: Or just got lost... if they were lucky. AR: But it just so happened I had booking dates open and you are so lucky to have the best entertainer in the world today -- ME! [She then gives herself a round of applause. Nobody joins in, though.] AR: And it's only appropriate that not just the greatest entertainer in MBC history be on hand tonight, but the greatest women's wrestler to ever step foot into MBC! But because this was a last-minute arrangement, I'm afraid I won't be able to dazzle you with my fabulous wrestling technique! But I can and will present to you the latest work from my latest collection -- I named the album myself: "Miles Ahead of Miley Cyrus"! HA: Brace yourself! AR: I mean, she can't perform the classics like I can! So, without further delay, let me present to you a classic -- a classic only fitting for our current environment! [And with that, those concert band members begin to perform. And given what they are performing, this "classic" happens to be from 1980's television... and goes for an obvious joke, given that we are on a cruise line. For those who haven't figured out, Amber actually sings the original lyrics.] #Love...exciting and new# #Come aboard... we're expecting you# #Love... life's sweetest reward# #Let it flow... it floats back to you# #The love boat... soon will be making another run# #The love boat... promises something for everyone# #Set a course for adventure# #Your mind on a new romance# #And love... won't hurt anymore# #It's an open smile... on a friendly shore# #It's loooooooooooooooove!# #Welcome aboard, it's loooooooooooooooove!# [Well, that one got a little applause from the 80's nostalgia crowd out there. Most everyone else, though, is either in shock that she isn't bragging about herself or just refuse to ever cheer Amber for anything. But to Amber, none of that matters as the spotlight still shines on her.] AR: And that's just a warm-up tune -- I'll be back for an encore performance when I'll give you yet another number from my latest album -- I know you won't be disappointed! [Well, that generates boos.] AR: I know -- you can't wait to hear it but I've got arrangements to make to get to my next booking after this -- after all, I did take this at the last minute out of the goodness of my heart, all because that Spinal Pap group thought they were too good for you! [She blows a kiss to the fans.] AR: I love you all! [And with that, she departs the stage as we go back to the commentators.] GE: Are your ears bleeding? My ears are bleeding. HA: What? I can’t hear you over the blood in my ears. GE: Can we go to something while I vomit? HA: Aren’t there some other commentators that can deal with this? GE: You mean some poor suckers? HA: Exactly. [The room's the same, and Slush is still trying to escape his chair-desk. The projector is gone, and now there's a 13" tv with a Betamax attached to it. Tony hits the 'Play' button, and now the screen changes to a wrestling ring where the Beaumonts- now dressed like Miami Vice, with Richard having a two day stubble- are being interviewed. Suddenly, Bobby grabs a chair and clocks Richard on the back of the head.] TB: In the 80's, the Beaumont Brothers had a falling out, and spent the rest of the decade feuding with each other. Their wars terrified the territories of Georgia, California, and Northern Saskatchewan. [Another scene of the men in a cage, brawling, with Richard slamming Bobby's head into the cage wall, over and over- before cutting out entirely.] TB: Tape's over. One minute. [As Tony goes to change machines, Slush finally escapes the chair-desk.] Slush: FREE! I'M FREE! BUFFET, HERE I COME! I'M... [Slush reaches the door, twists the knob... find that it's locked... slumps back into his desk... attempts to get out, and fails.] [Tony's switched to a VHS tape, and hits play.] TB: In the late 90's, both men moved on from wrestling to managing. [You see Richard Beaumont, dressed like an extra from 'Boyz in Da Hood', with his hair greying speaking in front of three wrestlers, who are all nodding at his sage wisdom. Then, from the left, Bobby Beaumont, also with greying hair, leads three wrestlers of his own to attack Richard and his charges.] TB: But their wars continued. [Fade back to the “arena.”] HA: Have you ever sat through the orientation? GE: Sat through it, yes. Stayed awake for it, no. HA: I’ve heard rumors. GE: About? HA: That those who can stay awake wear that as a badge of honor. GE: Why? HA: Ever hear the term “survivor horror”? GE: I’ve heard the term “survivor’s guilt.” HA: They seem pretty similar. [Suddenly, out through the entrance comes Tony Beaumont. He’s got a video cassette tape in hand and is tapping his knuckle to it out of frustration as he walks down the aisle. He stops at the commentators’ table and gives both Eisen and Avalon a good long look.] TB: Guys. I’m busy with some orientation here. I’m getting complaints. What’s going on? HA: Complaints? GE: More than usual? TB: Dude, really? HA: Are you really surprised we’re doing this? TB: You know guys. If you’re not really feeling up to doing commentary, I can get some guys who want to do the job. GE: Those poor bastards. HA: I’d like to see who you get. We’re in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. TB: I am nothing if not flexible. Girls, bring them out. [The spotlight shines on the entranceway as “Rooster” by Alice In Chains begins to play. From the entrance come two women dressed in glossy sequined dresses. There are no others to come through the entrance with them. Except of course...] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! [The two women carry the two animals’ respective cages and make their way to the commentary table. They set the cages on the table and assist Eisen and Avalon to their feet.] TB: Gentlemen. [Without further word, Eisen and Avalon are escorted to the back.] TB: All right you two. Give me a little longer and I’ll send out our special guests. Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! [Satisfied with his replacements, Tony leaves back the way he came, allowing Tinkle and Trice to further perpetuate the circus atmosphere of the territory.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! [Tinkle scratches himself. Trice preens a little.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! Tinkle: … Trice: BAWK? [The scene opens aboard the S.S. McGinley. Making her way along the corridors of the ship is Kayla Livingstone. She’s clad in a black tank top and sweats. She also wears a pair of tennis shoes, her red hair pulled back in a ponytail that falls down her back.] Voice: Kayla! Wait up! [At the sound of her name being called, she stops and turns to see her twin brother, Kevin, jogging over to her. He’s clad in a striped shirt and jeans, a shopping bag in his hand and grin plastered on his face. She folds her arms across her chest, fixing him with a frown.] Kayla: Kevin! Where in the world have you been? We were supposed to meet up hours ago. [Kevin stops as he nears, grinning sheepishly.] Kevin: I know. I know. But I had to work overtime to get this surprise ready for you. [Kayla eyes him suspiciously.] Kayla: What surprise? Kevin: [nods] Since I took over as your manager, I promised you that I’d take your career to the next level and I didn’t lie. Now, I’ve been looking at what every other woman has here and that you don’t. And I figured it out. [pauses dramatically] A hook! They’ve all got something extra that draws the crowd to them. Kayla: Kev... Kevin: [cuts her off] Hear me out. Other than being a hot redhead that can kick butt, what else do you have that makes you really stand out or that makes people really want to root for you? [She opens her mouth to respond but Kevin cuts her off again, rummaging through the bag.] Kevin: Yeah, I was at a loss too. Kayla: [mumbles] Gee, thanks. Kevin: So, I got to thinking about possible gimmicks and how to tie them to our location. And I came up with....voila! [He pulls out a seashell bra top and long, sparkly, green fishtail. Kayla immediately recoils and makes a face.] Kayla: What’s that? Kevin: It’s your new wrestling costume! You’ll be Seven Seas Wrestling’s very own mermaid! I mean, you’ve already got the red hair! [grins] Just watch. The kids will eat this stuff up! And it’s totally functional too! Under the tail, you’ll wear some tights. So, when you rip off the tail, you can get to fighting! Kayla: [eying him as if he has lost his mind] You’ve got to be kidding me. Kevin: And I even got us a huge fish tank! So, we can fill it up, set you in there, and roll you out to ringside. How cool is that? Kayla: So, I’ll be wrestling wet? [frowns] And you thought that would be a good idea? Kevin: Er...well...I figured it would help you slip out of holds better! Kayla: Or help me to slip and break my neck! [Kevin pauses, thinking it over for a second.] Kevin: Hmmm. Good point. [snaps his fingers] I got it! We can get a couple of the ship's crew to carry you out. I’ve got some extra sailor costumes with me... [A confused look crosses Kayla’s face and he cuts her off before a word can escape her lips.] Kevin: Don’t ask! Anyway, we can dress ‘em up and have ‘em carry you out to the ring instead! Even better! [pauses] How do you feel about singing? [Kayla shakes her head, clearly incredulous.] Kayla: [frowns] Listen, I appreciate all of this. But this sounds insane! Besides, you know that this isn’t the type of wrestler I am. When I was in Japan, they called me the Red-haired She-Devil because of what I could do in the ring. It wasn’t about stupid costumes or gimmicks. [Kevin lets out an exasperated sigh.] Kevin: Look, you’re talented. We both know that. But this isn’t Japan. And it sure isn’t 1996. It takes a lot more than just wrestling ability to get yourself noticed. You need a hook too. [pauses] Just look at what happened to you in Bastard Stampede. Kayla: What are you talking about? Nothing happened to me in Bastard Stampede. Kevin: Exactly! You should have been pulling a Jan Delgado and working your way onto the main MBC roster. You’re way better than she is! Instead, you were stuck wrestling for pennies against the Goblin Queen. We gotta make sure that doesn’t happen again. Kayla: And the way to do that is by me dressing up like an idiot? Kevin: It’s a start! [Kayla flashes him a disbelieving look.] Kevin: Trust me. Look at Lolita Love? She’s got her hook. Here, she’s good. In the UWF, she’s evil. It’s like the Three Faces of Friggin’ Eve! You need a lot more than a suplex to beat that! [Kevin notes the wary look in her eyes and grabs her hand.] Kevin: Look, you’ve been doing things your way for years now and we're still stuck in the same rut career-wise. Maybe it’s time to start thinking outside of the box? [Kayla looks at him as he flashes a hopeful smile and then to the costume before looking at him again.] Kayla: [sighs] One condition. No singing. [Fade.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! Tinkle: … Trice: BAWK? Tinkle: MEEP! MEEP! Trice: BAWK. Tinkle: MEEPMEEPMEEPMEEP! [We’re poolside at the S.S. McGinley where we find Lolita Love, lounging on a deck chair. She’s clad in a floral print tankini and sunglasses. Her blonde hair is pulled back and styled in a bun. A waiter walks over, carrying a brightly-colored, fruit drink as Lolita pushes her shades atop her head, flashing him a smile. The man hands her the drink as the young woman sits up and eagerly accepts it.] Lolita: Thank you! [The waiter nods and walks off as Lolita takes a sip, immediately letting out a pleased, content sigh, her eyes moving skyward.] Lolita: Mmmmm. So good. [She suddenly turns to face the camera with a huge smile.] Lolita: Oh my gosh! Is this ship great or what!?! [She gestures and the camera makes a sweep of the area, showing off pool participants and sunworshippers alike, before returning to Lolita.] Lolita: I couldn’t have picked a better place for my fresh, new start. And that’s exactly what this is for me. [She takes another sip of her drink before setting it aside on the nearby table.] Lolita: See, I was getting tired of all of the extra baggage and drama that seemed to be following me around. So, I’m putting it all behind me. Old MBC grudges, UWF stuff, all of it. [She swipes a hand through the air.] Lolita: Poof! Gone. I’m here at Seven Seas Wrestling to do what I’ve always wanted to do in this business. Prove myself against the best and have as much fun as I can while doing it! [Her smile brightens.] Lolita: And I’ve got a huge chance to do just that against Kayla Livingstone. Kayla’s been in this business for years and I’m a big fan. So, I know her history. I know how she moved to Japan, became a big success as “The Red-Haired She-Devil”, and won all sorts of titles and respect. She hasn’t been in the spotlight as much, since she came back to the States, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s still super tough and no one that you want to underestimate! [Her expression hardens slightly.] Lolita: But the same could be said about me. I didn’t just come here to sit around in the sun all day and chill out, although I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of the appeal. I also came here to fight and to win. See, this isn’t just about me becoming a new Lolita Love. It’s about me becoming a _better_ Lolita Love. And I start today by taking Kayla down. I’ll see you all in a few. [She smiles again and leans back, grabbing her drink and taking a sip as the scene fades.] ==================================================== =SSW== LOLITA LOVE vs. KAYLA LIVINGSTONE ======= [There’s being cheered and there’s being booed. And then there’s being beloved. And that’s exactly what Lolita Love was. “Scream, If You Wanna Go Faster” by Geri Halliwell played, calling out the former MBC Women’s Champion and bringing on a shower of cheers, marriage proposals and any number of variations in adoration. Beloved may not even be a good enough term. Love was a legend. The blonde wore a white and red, striped, tank top and blue, denim hot pants, adorned with white, glittery stars. All were sure to be available in the cruise ship gift shop within a matter of minutes.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: Bawk? [As the two animal commentators were busy logging on to the SSW website to search for said clothing, for what purposes unknown, Love took her place inside the ring. And yes, there was a referee. This one had yet to fall under the spell of Kiyumi.] Trice: Bawk? [Yes, “yet” was what I said.] Tinkle: MEEP! [Next, Samuel E. Wright began singing “Under The Sea” and two men, dressed as sailors, carried Kayla Livingstone out. Sure enough, the redhead was wearing a seashell bra top and green, glittery , fishtail. The two men laid her on the ring apron and she used the ropes to pull herself to standing position. With a flourish, the mermaid ripped off her tail, revealing green tights.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! [Though Kayla never made it into the MBC proper, never let it be said that a MBC based crowd didn't like their redheads. Perhaps that puts the MBC firmly in the Marvel Comics camp. Who is to say? Still, there were enough fans in the crowd who followed Bastard Stampede to give Livingstone the reaction she deserved. It did the redhead some good to see those who looked beyond her sea shells... you know... without wishing for x-ray vision.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: … Tinkle: MEEP? [The match began with a burst of speed from Lolita, going straight to fast attacks to keep Kayla off balance. Livingstone kept her center of gravity low to push more of a ground base defense. Lolita's speed made it hard for Kayla to get a firm hold but she remained tenacious in her efforts. The redhead showed great anticipation skills, finally managing to catch Lilia in a hold. Red took the smaller woman straight to the mat in an effort to lock her up and wear her down.] Trice: Bawk! Tinkle: … Trice: Bawk? Bawk? [The match was competitive in every sense of the word. While Lolita dazzled with her speed and aerial ability, it was Kayla who earned fans by demonstrating that she wasn't just another pretty face. The cagey veteran was taking every inch she was given. The longer she maintained control, the more the fans cheered. Overcome with the emotional high she turned to the crowd with a smile. She worked to wear Lolita down more and cheers grew louder. She turned and waved her arms in excitement. Lolita broke free and attempted a flying head scissors but Kayla reversed it into a spontaneous chokeslam. Lolita hit the mat to an enormous amount of cheers, sending an excitable Kayla into a fit of jumping up and down. The crowd grew louder and louder with every lift into the air. She continued to jump... ...until she realized the crowd was cheering that her flimsy mermaid top was coming off. Suddenly very conscious of losing her dignity, Kayla covered up, leaving her vulnerable to Lolita coming from behind and rolling the redhead up. Trying to keep her ill-advised costume in check, Kayla was unable to stop the three count.] WINNER BY PINFALL: Lolita Love ==================================================== Tinkle: MEEP! MEEP! Trice: BAWK? Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK... BAWKBAWK! [Tinkle contemplates the meaning of the universe.] Trice: BAWK? Tinkle: MEEP! [Trice bows in admiration for Tinkle has shared a secret of life.] Trice: BAWK! Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK? Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK?? BAWK??? [Your television suddenly goes split screen. On the right are Tinkle and Trice. On the left, we are taken live to what looks to be... a swamp.] An Alligator: SNAP! Tinkle: MEEP! MEEP! Trice: BAWK? Alligator: SNAP! SNAP! RAWR! Trice: BAWK! BAWK? Alligator: SNAP! Tinkle: MEEP! MEEP? Alligator: SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! Tinkle: MEEP! Alligator: SNAP! Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! Alligator: SNAP! RAWR! [The split screen disappears and we’re taken back to the cruise ship proper. Talk about an interesting interview.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! BAWK! BAAAAAWK! [Cut to what appears to be a church pulpit. The faint sound of a pipe organ solemnly plays “Amazing Grace”. Even on a cruise, tourists need to have their ecclesiastic concerns filled, so one hopes the S.S. McGinley has the right non-denominational cleric ready to bless and pray and turn the undead at a moment’s notice.] VO: BROTHERS AND SISTERS! [Wait...what? … ...oh no. No, no, no, dear sweet Buddha, NO!] VO: OH YES! [Stepping into view now is a rather familiar looking man dressed in a black buttoned up shirt (with the sleeves cut-off) and a priestly collar. And the man in question who has somehow defied being struck by lightning by wearing these sacred vestments is “Hentai” Ryu Osawa. Seriously Ryu, did you lose a bet?] Ryu: [grinning] Did you know that all you need to do to get ordained is have an internet connection? You’re looking at the Reverend Ryu Osawa -- Church of Reformed Bastard! [Oy vey...] Ryu: Hey, the last ship’s chaplain was a member of the Church of LOLCats. I think I’m a step up here! [By Theus, there are so many things wrong with this idea. I can’t even begin to start. It’s just--] Ryu: [cutting in] Look, I know this seems nutty, but I was pretty [MEEP]ed up after Heaven & Hell! I took things too far with Tommy Elliot. And in doing so, I lost sight of the Way of the Bastard. But this was something bigger than just me! So while I was on the shelf waiting for my injuries to heal and going through physical rehabilitation, I got to thinking. [Ryu begins to pace, looking surprisingly introspective.] Ryu: Every time MBC rises from the ashes, folks come crawling out the woodwork to claim they’re Bastards, but their souls are lacking and empty. Once we had Simon O’Neal and Joey Valachi and Satin Sheets and instead now we had L.C. Thornton and Erik Grimsson and Myra Benedict. Those weren’t Bastards -- those were just violent, bullying jackasses! And MBC is becoming infested with them. It’s time someone takes a stand... [This does not explain the new duds.] Ryu: Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, my camera-bearing cohort! Remember when Vengeance would go around wearing that Pope hat? Bastardism under his reign has turned flaccid and corrupt! If he wants to be the Pope, then call me Martin Luther. This is my schism, this is my faith and this is my battle cry! Bastardism will be REFORMED! [He raises his hands heavenward.] Ryu: BROTHERS AND SISTERS! I give unto you these Commandments! Take heed of them and take them into your hearts... A Bastard does not take pleasure in another person's pain and injury. Humiliation, maybe, but never to the detriment of another person's life. A Bastard will laugh at himself or herself. When things are good, enjoy it. When things are bad, laugh for this setback is only temporary. The Journey to Bastardism does not follow a set path. A Bastard will not discriminate. Man and woman alike, we are all made equal and brought low by groin shots. Yea, though I walk through the valley of schadenfreude, I shall fear no karma. The Fourth Wall is my shepherd. I shall not [MEEP]! THANK YOU! [... … ...um, so what about you chasing women and that whole “Hentai” thing, Reverend? Kind of conflicts with the priest schtick. OK, not that that stops current religious figures in this day and age.] Ryu: That’s the great thing -- no celibacy or chastity in the Church of Reformed Bastard! [The grin pops back on his face.] Besides, how can you be forgiven if you don’t sin first? [Sweet Tinkerbell Jesus...this is gonna be one helluva ride. Anyway, we cut back briefly to Tinkle and Trice now. Tinkle appears to be giving a questioning look to Trice. Or maybe it’s gas. Who am I to translate the moods of rodents and roosters?] Tinkle: MEEP?! [Trice scratches the floor of his cage as if ashamed.] Trice: Bawwwwwk... [Fade... We're finally up to DVD! And the TV is 19" now! Hurray technology! Tony starts the DVD and speaks.] TB: In the 2000's, both Richard and Bobby moved to the announce table, where Bobby cheered for the fan favorites while Richard embraced the so-called 'villains'... [On the DVD, the Beaumont Brothers, their hair both now completely grey, sit on each side of the play-by-play announcer. As the action in the ring gets heated, so do the comments from the brothers, until they start fighting, knocking the hapless play-by-play man to the ground.] TB: They were fired from seven different wrestling federations. After the last one, where they were blackballed from ever announcing again, they both retired. Slush: Retirement is overrated. Pinhead: How would you know? You’ve never done it. Slush: Correction. I’ve done it repeatedly. It just never sticks. Pinhead: Social Security not what you were hoping? Slush: I’ve written flow charts that show how Social Security is a scheme. TB: Not until orientation is done! Pinhead: There’s more? How can there be more? [Fade back to the arena where, yes, the hamster and rooster are still at it.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! [Somehow, the two are playing cards.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! [Dare I say, they are playing a game called “Egyptian Rat Screw”?] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! [Yeah, even they’re bored.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! [How about a match folks?] ==================================================== =SSW== LIAM CASSIDY vs WILLIAM N. ZANE ======= [“Epiphany” by Staind kicked out over the ship speakers and though not what you’d expect of an entrance theme, the wrestler who came out had such an aura that it made sense. Hair slicked back and long blue ring jacket beautifully sequined, William N. Zane made his way to the ring. At side side was his lovely valet, Rose. Once ringside, Zane directed Rose to walk to the other side and wait. She did so as Zane flirted with the many women at ringside. “[MEEP]ing in the Bushes” by Oasis replaced Staind over the cruise ship speakers and let’s just say that any semblance of a family atmosphere on this cruise ship was ruined. Oh to be young, innocent and ask your mother what [MEEP]ing means. Out came “The Jersey Drifter” Liam Cassidy, possibly drunk and possibly unsure of where he was. Yet, as Zane flirted with the women in the front row, it was Rose who became enamored with Liam as he walked down.] Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: Bawk. BAWK! Tinkle: MEEEEEP! [Zane, having a towel around his neck, strode into the ring, his female ring valet Rose removing his jacket while still looking longingly at Liam. Cassidy finished his pre-ring ritual of emptying his pockets, then removed his silver cross around his neck and kissed it quick before placing it into his derby on the ringsteps with his trusty flask. He turned around just as the valet stepped onto the apron. Cassidy winked at her and she giggled, smiling. Cassidy turned back around as Zane threw the towel into Cassidy's face and followed up with an uppercut that staggered Cassidy.] DING DING DING!!! Tinkle: MEEP! MEEEEP! Trice: Bawk! BAWK! BAAAWK! [Zane followed up with two left jabs while a still-blinded Cassidy stumbled. Cassidy swung wild, causing Zane to back up and the towel to fly off into the crowd.] Tinkle: MEEP meep meep MEEP Meep. Trice: Bawk! [Zane and Cassidy circled each other. Zane held up his fists, his right fist far ahead of his left one. Cassidy had his arms up but not nearly as outstretched. They circled, with Zane trying to fire straight shots and Cassidy firing wide roundhouses. Neither was able to connect solidly. Suddenly, there was a high-pitched feedback sound as Bobby Beaumont walked out. With slicked back silver-white hair and wearing a purple robe with wraparound thick black glasses, Bobby was escorting a tall, twiggy blonde in a flowing white dress and holding an open wine bottle.] BB: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! We here on the S.S. McGinley pride ourselves on giving you quality entertainment! You've already heard the sweet stylings of the angelic Amber Rogers earlier tonight... [More than a few jeers from the crowd at that while Zane sidesteped a jab from Liam, neither man paying any attention to Bobby.] ...but it is with great pleasure for me to introduce all the way from Ostie de Marde up in Canada, the one and only SELENE DION SANDERS! [The blonde giggled, giving the wannabe silver fox a tight squeeze, who just grinned eagerly at that.] SDS: Sank you, Bobby cheri! [She giggled again, this time with a loud hiccup. She takes a swig from the wine bottle.] I see you later, yes? BB: You know it, babycakes... [He handed her a cordless mic and playfully slapped her butt as he left. Selene let out another hiccup before she started to sing... … ...and three things are painfully clear. One, Selene is quite drunk, two, she sounds like Grover the Muppet. And three, of course she's going to sing That Song.] SDS: #Neeeeeeeeeeeear, faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar, wherever yooooooooou are# #I believe that the heart does goooooooooooo onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn# #Once mooooooooooore you open the dooooooooooooooooooooooooor# #And you're heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eere in my heart# #And my heart will gooooooooooooooo on and onnnnnnnnnnn~!# #You're heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere, sooooooo BRIIIIIIIIIING me a beeeeeeeeeer~!# #And I--# [hiccup!] Ooooooooooh, comfy cushion... Trice: Bok bkawk?! Tinkle: MEEP?! [Mercifully, Selene faceplanted herself into a nearby lounge chair. Back in the ring, Zane fired off a 1-2 combination that staggered Cassidy and sent him sprawling to the mat. Zane raised his arms in triumph as Cassidy rolled over onto his stomach, his head hanging over the bottom rope. Zane's valet Rose walks over with a glass of water, raising it up and offering it to him.] Trice: Bawk ba-Bawk Baw- Tinkle: MEEP! Meep mep meep. MEEP MEEP! Trice: [glare] Bawhk! [Cassidy reached out, took the water, poured it onto his hands and splashed it onto his face. He looked over and smiled at Rose, who smiled back. Zane saw this and walked over, kicking Cassidy. He reached over and began berating Rose, yelling at her for looking at that 'filth'. Said 'filth' began rising up, his jovial grin replaced by a rather angry glare.] Tinke: Meep meep... [Zane turned around and Cassidy launched a left hook that crashed into Zane's cheek, spinning him around two, sending sweat spray over the first two rows, and possibly stopping time. Zane hit the mat and Cassidy stayed on top of him, standing on his prone body and covering.. 1... 2... 3!!!!!!] WINNER BY PINFALL: Liam Cassidy ==================================================== Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! Tinkle: MEEP! Trice: BAWK! [The tvs are gone. Tony hops up onto the large desk and continues.] TB: Three years ago, I entered the picture. I'm their sister's only son, and having seen their matches, asked them to mentor me into becoming a wrestler. Instead... [Tony rolls his eyes and sighs] TB: They decided to 'put aside' their differences and teach me the other side of wrestling. They purchased the ring equipment from a storage auction in Cleveland Ohio, from a delinquent owner of one 'J. O'Neal'. The ring, formerly of Mighty Bastard Championship Wrestling, became the keystone for their brilliant idea of Seven Seas Wrestling- Wrestling on Cruise Ships. They've taken over as announcers as well as wrestlers, while I've taken the job of announcer, timekeeper, outside referee, and all-around gopher... [Another eye roll] TB: But NOT as a wrestler. And that's where we are today. Pinhead: So you've been on this cruise ship for three years? TB: Not... exactly. It took us a year to set up. Pinhead: So you've been on this cruise ship for two years TB: Not... exactly. We've been several cruise ships. However, we've had some... difficulties... working with the crew. To the point that they've asked us to find another cruise ship. With terms like 'arrest' and 'keelhaul'. Pinhead: Ah... Slush: We've been there. Pinhead: No, _you’ve_ been there. Slush: Don’t knock me for leaving a more adventurous life than you. Pinhead: I don’t find running from my potential murderers adventure I want. Slush: Pinhead, you’ve not lived life until you’ve gotten an erection from self-preservation. [And with that wonderful image, we fade to sweet merciful black as we fade to the end of Hour One.] |
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Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro. You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned. | |
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7:20 PM Jul 10