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[MBC] Unnamed Bastard Show - Ep 5 - Hour Two
Topic Started: Aug 7 2012, 03:47 PM (206 Views)
MBCKyle
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Fade from whatever black the show goes to between hours...].

EARLIER TODAY

[Somewhere else on the ship, a press area is setup. It's entirely possible that all these chairs and the podium have been setup in one of the numerous dining halls of the cruise ship. in fact, there are still a few people going through the buffet lines, reporters included.

Front and center is a podium with the insignia for "Seven Seas Wrestling." Several reporters are gathered, at least those who aren't in the buffet line. From a doorway on the starboard side of the ship walk two gentlemen. One is a well-dressed Asian American man of strong build and standing at around six feet and three inches. His hair is long, graying and receding but it is pulled back into a tail. The man has the utmost of confidence. The MBC purists would recognize him as Dallas area legend Tyberious Po, known to many as "The Grandmaster."

Behind him walks a mulleted monster of mayhem. At seven feet tall, he is hard to miss. His suit is custom and highly expensive. It would have to be. You don't get a suit in that size right off the rack. This man, this monster is Jonas "Dutch" Elm. He wears sunglasses and the MBC Grandmaster Typo Championship over his right shoulder.

Funny how these things work out.

Po steps up to the podium and does not wait for the reporters to take their positions.]

Po: Gentlemen and other primates.

[Grandmaster Po grasps the podium by either side and stands with the authority of a champion. He gives all the reporters the stink eye.]

Po: We have called this press conference today to address these foul accusations about my protege Jonas Elm. He won the Grandmaster Typo Championship, my namesake title, fair and square from Max Benson. The parameters of the "Overboard" Match were agreed upon by both Benson and Elm and in such, should... MUST be respected.

[A reporter in the front row stands while having his arm raised. Po directs the "eye" to call upon him.]

Reporter #1: Are you at all concerned that Max Benson is currently declared lost at sea?

Po: You've all seen the interview Benson recorded before the match as “Last Will and Testament” Max Benson. He stated he was to be called "Lost at Sea” Max Benson in the case he lost the match and his title. Why is that so hard to understand?

[A second reporter raises his hand and stands.]

Reporter #2: What do you say to the fact that Max Benson has still not been found.

Po: Listen fools, the "Overboard" Match was his idea.

Reporter #3: Should a match where one man must throw his opponent over the railing into the Gulf of Mexico to win really be considered legal?

Po: You complain about this? I've seen you all at the Kitten Juggling events on the Poop deck.

Reporter #1: I've heard rumors that Max Benson really isn't "Lost at Sea" Max Benson at all.

Reporter #2: I've heard he's really "Sub-Mariner" Max Benson and he went into the sea to reclaim his throne in the Kingdom of Atlantis.

Reporter #4: I heard he took his research as "Keep Tuna Cans Dolphin Free" Max Benson and is swimming with the dolphins off the coast of Cuba.

Po: Hello? Primates? Are we not here to talk about Jonas Elm, the _current_ champion?

Reporter #1: I heard that Max Benson has done this before. The first time he was "Castaway" Max Benson.

Reporter #5: Ooh, ooh, the second time he was "Gilligan's Island" Max Benson.

Reporter #1: I remember that. He was "The Skipper" Max Benson, "The Professor" Max Benson, "Actor in a Bad Gorilla Suit" Max Benson...

Reporter #6: You're all wrong! He's "Don't Call me Ishmael" Max Benson and he's hunting the great white whale, Moby Dick.

Reporter #4: Wait.. didn't he do that before he was for a short time "Parental Advisory" Max Benson?

Reporter #2: No, you're thinking of "Captain Stabbin" Max Benson.

[The Grandmaster slams his fist down on the podium.]

Po: PRIMATES! MAX BENSON IS NOT WITH US ANYMORE! HE IS NO LONGER CHAMPION! HE IS NOT ON THIS SHIP! HE IS “THE LOSER” MAX BENSON!

[The reporters remain silent and turn their full attention back to Po and Elm.]

Po: That is better, primates. Now, as I was about to say. Under my tutelage, Jonas Elm has become the greatest threat that Seven Seas Wrestling and the wrestling industry has seen since I myself terrorized the ring. Tonight's match against Ryu Osawa is just the beginning for him under my ever nurturing wing.

Reporter #1: How so Mister Po?

Po: Primate, you are to address me as Grandmaster.

Reporter #1; Uh... Grandmaster, how will he grow now that he's won a championship?

Po: It is easy primate. Jonas Elm tonight will defeat Ryu Osawa and move on to the Bastardship of the whatever it is in Dallas. He will do real honor to Seven Seas Wrestling and win the World Championship.

Reporter #5: Why do you think Elm can beat Osawa so easily?

Po: Easy. Osawa found God. Elm found Tyberious Po.

[Po shoves the podium over and flashes the peace sign with both hands. Both he and Elm walk away, leaving the reporters to their thoughts and all you can eat crab.

Fade back to the ship “arena.” The cameras focus in on Tinkle and Trice who are still at the commentary table, this time surfing the internet.]

Tinkle: …

Trice: …

Tinkle: …

Trice: …

[Hmmm.... somebody in IT didn’t filter content very well. The website they’re looking at isn’t even legal in most countries.]

Tinkle: …

Trice: …

[The crowd starts to stir as from the entrance comes some actual commentators, Slush and Pinhead. Right behind them is Tony Beaumont, talking their ears off. All three of them sit and put on their headsets.]

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Tinkle, you magnificent bastard! Where have you been?

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Really? THREE hookers?

Pinhead: This is only going to get worse.

TB: I think it’ll get better in no time. We still have some exciting stuff coming up.

Pinhead: Like? I don’t even have a run sheet of the show.

TB: You got one with orientation.

Pinhead: Slush took mine. He drew on it with crayons.

Slush: I make pretty pictures bitch!

TB: We have a Blind Stipulation Match between the Neon Knights and The Problem Solvers.

Slush: Do the Knights have that hot little manager Deanna... Diana... whatever her name was?

Pinhead: She dumped them, remember?

Slush: That’s no good for me. She was nice to look at. Do the Problem Solvers still have Haliburton as their manager?

TB: Nope.

Slush: That’s not good for me either. I always liked how he made Pinhead squirm.

Pinhead: You know, there was a time I could have left you in a desert.

[Pinhead thinks it over a moment.]

Pinhead: We’re still on this road trip. I could leave you somewhere you’ll never come back from and nobody would fault me.

Slush: Has the MBC not taught you anything? No matter how many times I go away, I come back. Always.

Pinhead: I’m sure there’s a bottomless pit somewhere in Mississippi I can dump you.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Trice: BAWK!

Pinhead: I didn’t ask you!


====================================================
=SSW== BLIND STIPULATION MATCH
======= THE NEON KNIGHTS vs. THE PROBLEM SOLVERS

TB: Well, I’m up.

Pinhead: Oh, the multiple jobs thing.

Slush: I could do that.

Pinhead: You barely do one job.

Slush: And I look [MEEP]damn fantastic doing it too.

[Tony Beaumont stood from his spot at the commentary table and entered the ring, taking the microphone from the temporary ring announcer that worked the first hour of the show.]

TB: Ladies and Gentlemen, this next match is a tag team affair, to be fought under BLIND STIPULATION RULES!

[Cheers from the fans, as the 'Imperial March' started playing over the loudspeaker]

TB: Introducing first, at a combined weight of 594 pounds, here are Dan Muldoon and Pete Davison- THE PROBLEM SOLVERS!

[The massive 300+ pound men, both wearing suits, entered the ring, cracking their knuckles and preparing for a fight.]

TB: And their opponents- Jim and Ron Purcell- THE NEON KNIGHTS!

[“Neon Knights” by the Ronnie James Dio era version of Black Sabbath took over, bringing out the neon yellow right wearing Purcell brothers. They were pumped even if the fans looked at them like they were lepers. The Purcell brothers entered the ring, also ready for a fight. Tony held up his hands, asking them to wait a moment, as "The Admiral of the Ring", Richard Beaumont, climbs up the stairs, holding a microphone.]

RB: Easy, gentlemen! Now, as you know, this is a blind stipulation match- you don't know the rules. And as you know, the winner of this match will be in great position to go after the tag team titles when we formally have a tag team tournament.... sometime in the future. But right now, we need a match. And we want to show these fine fans all of the action and excitement you can get...

...

...

... at theSS McGinley CASINO ROOM!

Slush: What?

[Sure enough, three stewards came carrying in a table and some chairs, and started setting them up in the middle of the ring. The Problem Solvers and Neon Knights did NOT look amused.]

RB: That's right- the Casino room has craps, has roulette, has blackjack, and has some of the loosest slots on the seas. Plus, every night there's a 50/50 poker tournament. Right now, these four gentlemen are going to have a mini-tournament, and the winner of the tournament will win the match- just to show you fans all of the fun and excitement that you can experience every night here on the HMS McGinley!

Pinhead: OK- so you're using four brawlers to sell the ship's gambling room?

Slush: Um... Richard, where is the casino located?

RB: GLAD YOU ASKED! It's on the fourth floor, right next to the buffet. Tell them that Seven Seas Wrestling sent you and you'll get 5% off.

[The Problem Solvers and Neon Knights really wanted to fight- but were told by the referee and dealer that actual physical contact led to a disqualification. All four men reluctantly sat down, and the referee began dealing the cards.]

Pinhead: Well, this is no good! What type of fighting can we see here?

[The Problem Solvers saw their cards. Muldoon folded but Davison put in a bet. The Purcells each picked up their cards- then looked at each other's cards, and started trading.]

Pinhead: Umm... I don't think that's how poker works.

Slush: Yeah! Besides I can never get a good deal...

[The Problem Solvers protested the Purcells, calling them cheaters. The Neon Knights objected to that classification, and responded by throwing the cards into the faces of Muldoon and Davison. The Problem Solvers looked at each other, shrug, and...]

Pinhead: FIGHT! The Problem Solvers leap over the table and start trading fists with the Neon Knights!

TB: Huh... that didn’t work out too well.

Pinhead: Both teams get disqualified here. Looks like they get to fight after all.

WINNER: Double DQ
====================================================

Pinhead: So it’s my understanding that this is the second match of the night to not actually happen.

TB: That one happened. Just... badly.

Slush: Can’t argue with him there.

Pinhead: Sure I can. It’s just that with security coming down to separate the Knights and Problem Solvers, I don’t see much of a point.

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Total burn!

Trice: BAWK!

Slush: Is the rooster with you?

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Really?

Trice: BAWK!

Slush: I thought you could only get the good stuff on the West Coast.

Trice: BAWK!

Slush: Trice, you’re now my favorite animal.

Tinkle: …

Slush: You had your time in the sun hamster. Now go crawl back into whatever hole you came out of. And tell Richard Gere hello.

TB: How about some entertainment?

[And then we start to hear a concert band warming up.]

Pinhead: Oh no.

Slush: Oh yes!

Pinhead: Where are my ear plugs?

[Sure enough, the spotlight is squarely on the stage and squarely on Amber Rogers. She's still smiling pretty, even as plenty of fans are jeering her.]

AR: Once again, I cannot tell you how happy I am to be here tonight -- only the finest will do for all my many fans who are on hand to hear my tributes to the classics!

Slush: I better get my lighter ready!

Pinhead: I’m sure if you drop it and this place catches fire, drowning in the Gulf of Mexico would be preferable to this.

TB: Have you always been this cynical?

Pinhead: Time wears one down slowly. Slush is a hand grenade.

AR: I mean, look around in today's music environment -- you have tattooed freaks shaking their heads and playing their guitars too loud, you have morons who like to flash around what they call bling and tell everyone about their ghetto life, you have Disney rolling out teenager after teenager who are nothing but an attempt to cash in for a quick buck -- and then you have somebody like Lady Gaga!

What does she have that I don't have?

Pinhead: Crabs?

AR: I'll tell you what she and those others don't have -- respect for the days when jazz and swing and blues were what music was all about. And while I certainly am known for my talents when it comes to rock and roll, I still have not forgotten the roots of music!

So, tonight, I'm going to present one of my many tributes to the classic -- and to MBC, where I promise I will take my rightful place as the best women's wrestler around!

[As if on cue, the band begins to play. For those not familiar with the days of music gone by, the band's notes are the tune of "Ain't We Got Fun," which dates back to the Roaring Twenties -- but this is Amber, of course, so some of the lyrics must be changed as a means of simply promoting herself over all others.

As if you expected anything less from her, of course.]

#All these wrestlers who wanna gather#
#Haunt you with their bore#
#Men who call themselves the best#
#Women who have no talent#
#But there's call to be happy#
#And it happens to be right here#
#It's time to be cheerful, hear's an earful#
#Of good news to hear#

#Every morning, every evening#
#I'm number one#
#That's right, honey, on the money#
#I'm number one#
#The best there is, dear#
#No need to fuss#
#Simply miles ahead, dear#
#Nothing to discuss#

#In the winter, in the summer#
#Yeah, I'm number one#
#Time to know that and to show that#
#I'm number one#
#There's nothing surer#
#The weak are weak and they only get weaker#
#In the meantime, it's true for all time#
#That I'm number one#

#Just to make this story so much more, we#
#Know something happened in our times#
#To the MBC some legend came#
#The Bastardship is it's name#
#And I'll bet my life, a lot of strife#
#Just happened in with the quest#
#Still they remain oh so happy#
#Because they know I bring the best#

#Every morning, every evening#
#I'm number one#
#The search is long but I've got my song#
#How I'm number one#
#It's only started#
#As off they go#
#Are they downhearted#
#That's just not so#

#Because they know I can reach the sky#
#Yeah, I'm number one#
#Times may be bad but they're not sad#
#'Cause I'm number one#
#The search is long and will go on#
#In the meantime, in between time#
#I'm still number one.#

#When those who sold you stories told you#
#About how they'd rise to the top#
#I said, "Get real, you have no chance#
#As I'm the one leading this dance"#
#And when they tried to hold me back#
#Taking every shot they may#
#I shout "I'm famous and they'll call me#
#The Women's champion some day"#

#Can't be denied, the biggest prize#
#'Cause I'm number one#
#Hot or cold days, new or old ways#
#Yes, I'm number one#
#And if they have#
#A thing to say#
#Don't listen to them#
#Just look my way#

#I'm the greatest, there's no doubting#
#That I'm number one#
#They won't stop me from shouting#
#That I'm number one#
#They cut me down#
#But my destiny can simply not be denied#
#When MBC's back, I'll be on track#
#To be number one!#

[Well, that pretty much turned the crowd against her. Amber just smiles, though, as if none of this even matters.]

AR: I take it you all heard that I won't be able to perform another number for you -- yes, I know, you want to hear more, but as much as it pains me to do so, I must allow time for others who MBC calls talent to have their turn to perform -- even if their talents don't measure up to who is undeniably the greatest entertainer, the greatest wrestler and the one who is destined to be MBC Women's champion in the near future...

ME!

[With that, she waves to the booing crowd and departs the state. Back to the commentators we go.]

Slush: My heart... it melts for her.

Pinhead: Oddly enough, I think my brain melted.

TB: She does wonders for our seafood buffet.

Pinhead: Is it on the other side of the ship? Far, far away from her?

TB: You underestimate her potential.

Slush: He really does.

Trice: BAWK!

Slush: Well, hold on...

Trice: BAWK! BAWK! BAWK!

TB: What’s he saying?

Slush: He’s telling us we need to start talking about the main event.

Pinhead: Great, the rooster is doing my job.

Slush: Obviously, the cock is more man than you.

TB: Our next match features Jonas “Dutch” Elm defending the Grandmaster Typo Championship against Ryu Osawa.

Slush: Max Benson got tossed overboard right? He shacking up with Goldie Hawn yet?

Pinhead: Can we assume that whoever has the GMT title after this match will rep Seven Seas Wrestling in the Bastardship of the Ring?

TB: You’re assuming SSW is participating.

Pinhead: Wait? You’re not?

TB: Need to talk financials.

Pinhead: You’re going to hold this up for money?

TB: This is a business.

Slush: I like the cut of your jib.

Trice: BAWK!

Slush: No, I don’t know what a “jib” actually is.

====================================================
=SSW== GRANDMASTER TYPO CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
======= JONAS ELM ( c ) vs. RYU OSAWA

[The thing about cruise ships is that they generally know all about spectacle. They have to in order to attract the crowds that they do. Competition in the cruise ship industry is fierce after all. Now if wrestling wasn’t enough of an attraction there are always showgirls and dance numbers. Well, this is a Ryu Osawa entrance. Obviously, it’ll combine it all. Cue the “Mr. Larpus” and the wild lights.]

Slush: UFO’s! They’re here to take me!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: I DON’T WANT TO BE PROBED!

[Slight pause...]

Slush: AGAIN!

[Wearing costumes that were just short of being both sacrilegious and obscene, dancing girls walked down the aisle, coordinating their beats to the song by Banya. Finally from the entrance came the good Reverend Ryu Osawa, dressed in his normal attire plus a black sleeveless shirt and priest collar. He put on his best moves, taking a little bit from the fabled evangelical pastors of old, dazzling young and elderly alike as he made his way to the ring. He managed to flirt with every single dancing girl on his way down and still get into the ring rather quickly. He was that good.]

Pinhead: You’re expecting the MBC to pay for Seven Seas Wrestling to join back up?

TB: It’s a fair business model.

Pinhead: But you’re a MBC territory.

TB: With bills to pay. What’s the hang up?

[Osawa knelt in the ring, putting Tebow to shame with his own move. He leapt up crying “CAN I GET A MEEP?” and of course the crowd responded...]

Crowd: MEEP!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Trice: Bawk!

[The dancing girls walked to the back as Osawa settled down and awaited the reigning Grandmaster Typo Champion. Johnny Cash’s “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” began to play and with far less spectacle, out came Jonas “Dutch” Elm, led by the man who the championship was named after, The Grandmaster Tyberious Po.]

Slush: Po! My homey!

Pinhead: And you have Po here? No wonder you’re blackmailing us!

TB: It’s not blackmail. Though... I’ve heard things about you guys.

[Elm pulled himself straight to the ring apron via the top rope and entered the ring with his eyes locked on his opponent. He removed the championship belt and handed it to the referee as he stepped ever closer. Ryu suddenly signaled for the music to be cut. The sound guy complied as a few fans looked confused. Some took advantage of the pause to quickly hit the buffet again.]

Ryu: Hold it, hold it, hold it! [Ryu shot a look of concern towards Elm while he removed his collar] Jonas...I can call you Jonas, right? [Elm answered with a wooden glare. Osawa cheerfully pressed on.] Jonas, it's been a helluva crazy time for us all. But there comes a point in our lives where we have to look back at what we've done and the mistakes we've made and say "Damn, what the [MEEP] was I thinking?!"

[Ryu shook his head, sad smile on his face.]

I've been there, believe me! I've kept silent when I should have spoken out. I haven't respected my fellow Bastards' boundaries as well as I should have. Hell, I've even let anger rule my better judgement and got hurt by it!

Trice: Bok-BOK!

Ryu: [nodding sagely] Yes, that merger with the UWF was an ugly time for us. But we all have a chance to take what we've learned and be better Bastards for it! I learned to put aside my hate, Jonas. Hate only clouds the way of the Bastard and leads you to self-destruction. And it really [MEEP]s with your digestion too, lemmie tell ya. But for you, Jonas, look deep into your gut and see what you did during the merger! Surely you can agree that that whole business with the Guard was a hate-ridden debacle that never should be repeated!

Jonas...cast aside your jerkish ways. And come back home to Bastardom...

[With a genuine grin, Ryu extended a welcoming hand of respect to the GMT Champion. Elm looked at it, not with anger but bewilderment. He turned towards Po on the outside as if to ask “is he serious?” Po, in kind, responded with an expression that read “sweep the leg.” Elm didn’t sweep the leg literally but he did level Osawa with a monstrous clothesline.]

Slush: That’s a good old fashioned Amsterdam handshake!

TB: Osawa hits the back of his head on the mat. Jonas right on top of him and grabbing him by the neck.

Pinhead: Is he going to toss him overboard? That’s what you people seem to do.

Slush: What do you mean “you people?”

TB: Of course not. This isn’t an “Overboard” match.

Pinhead: I hope in that you at least learned the error of your ways?

TB: Two shows in a row with an “Overboard” match isn’t good money. We build up to it.

[Holding Osawa by the throat, Elm tossed him to the corner. The defending champ put a boot to Ryu’s throat and held it, choking the very religion out of the good reverend. The referee intervened in time to save some real damage but the moment was fleeting and Elm started dropping hard slaps across Osawa’s chest. The crowd cringed with each successive hit and quite frankly, you could feel the hurt.]

Slush: I’ve got to hand it to Po. He knows talent. I taught him well.

TB: He’s also quite a good magician. He works Wednesdays in the...

Pinhead: Nobody wants to hear the schedule. I’m so fed up right now.

[Repeated warnings by the referee only earned the ire of Elm who nearly flattened the official with his fists. This gave Osawa a moment to breath and also climb up the turnbcukle. With Elm distracted by his own rage, Ryu sprung off and dropped Elm to the mat with a bulldog. Rather than go for the early pin, Osawa attacked the monster Dutchman’s knees and legs, seeking to take out the large man’s foundation. Still, Elm rose like the mighty tree he was.]

Slush: Zombie!

TB: There is no eating of brains on this ship... unless they belong to monkeys. That’s at the exotic foods buffet on Mondays!

Pinhead: Monkeys? Really?

TB: We throw a wide net.

[With Elm at his feet, his reach was incredible. Every swing of his fist was capable of knocking Ryu completely out. But Osawa was clearly smaller and faster, able to dodge easily. Ryu kept up his attacks throughout, going after Dutch’s knees and legs. Po yelled strategy from the outside becoming more and more distracting. But it wasn't enough to keep Ryu from hitting an amazing haymaker that dazed Elm into the corner. Ryu cloned and started the traditional count of fists to the head. When the crowd reached ten he once again asked "can I get a MEEP?" He got it in spades but the word angered the giant.]

TB: Elm takes hold of Osawa and... powerbomb!

Slush: He just knocked the God out of him!

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: You’re right. That’s totally a T-shirt

TB: The cover!

1...




2...




Kickout by Osawa!!

Slush: Also a good T-shirt.

TB: Already have it in the gift shop.

Pinhead: Never have I been so embarrassed.

[Embarrassment aside, Elm pulled Osawa back to his feet. Dutch wrenched Osawa up and over with a scoop slam before jogging to the ropes. Elm leaned heavily into the top rope and with the rebound he came down with a mighty leg across Osawa’s chest. Another cover from Elm met with another kickout however. Despite the punishment that Elm continued to dole out, Osawa could not be put away. With every punch by the champion, the crowd cheered for the challenger. Osawa’s will grew more and more until he was filled with the spirit...

...the spirit of bastardism!]

TB: Osawa with a second wind!

Slush: A divine wind?

Tinkle: MEEP!

Slush: Right. That was some of the Tex-Mex buffet.

[Osawa started firing back with right after right and left after left. The Mulleted Monster of Amsterdam was barely moved but certainly annoyed. Elm whipped Ryu to the ropes and when the Reverend returned, Dutch lifted a boot to meet him in the face. However, Osawa hit a baseball slide to avoid the mighty foot and popped back to his own feet just behind Elm. Osawa leapt onto Elm’s back with a sleeper hold, an attempt to bring the mighty monster down. Elm charged backwards to the corner, seeking to squash the smaller man between himself and the turnbuckle, but Osawa dropped away at the last moment, causing Elm to drive his own back into the corner. Seeing his chance, Osawa ran in and miraculously monkey flipped Elm out of the corner. Momentum is a hell of a thing.]

Slush: You will believe a tree can fly.

TB: Osawa going to the corner.

Pinhead: …

Slush: You’re not going to say anything?

Pinhead: …

Slush: You’re pouting? Really? I should sue you for stealing my move.

TB: Osawa up top! RAINBOW ASS INVERTER!

Trice: Bawk!!!! BAWK!!!!

TB: The cover...


1....






2....






3!!!

Trice: BAWK! BAWK!

TB: We have a new champion!!

WINNER BY PINFALL AND NEW CHAMPION: Ryu Osawa
====================================================

Pinhead: Well, Ryu Osawa is the Grandmaster Typo Champion for a second time. Good on him. Presumably, he’ll be the rep in the tournament. Right Tony?

TB: That is… on the table.

Pinhead: Oh come on! You’re going to deny that too?

TB: Ryu Osawa is a worthy competitor but I’ve been informed by Richard and Bobby that they’ve got something greater in mind.

Pinhead: You know, I should expect as much. That ring must be cursed.

Slush: What makes you say that?

Pinhead: It was once owned by an O’Neal.

Slush: Hmmm… true.

Pinhead: Looks like that family found a worthy successor.

TB: I think that... hold on...

[Tony puts a hand to his headset and nods his head as he listens.]

Slush: That’s a not a happy look.

TB: Time for an announcement gentlemen.

[Tony stands and removes his headset. He walks over to the timekeeper and then takes back the house microphone The keeper rings the bell to gain the attention of the crowd in attendance.]

*DING DING DING*

[Tony Beaumont walks into the ring, carrying the microphone. He doesn't appear happy.]

TB: Ladies and Gentlemen... we have a special announcement here on the SS McGinley. Tonight, Seven Seas Wrestling will crown its first ever champion!

[Applause by the fans. From the back, the wrestlers start making their way out here, looking a little confused.]

Slush: Great. Lord Poseidon will have his favorite, as the oceans will rise, and he will be favored by the gods!

Pinhead: [Looking at Slush] Did you eat some bad oysters?

Slush: Is there really such a thing as a 'bad' oyster?

TB: In addition, we are working with the MBC (points towards Slush and Pinhead), and the champion will also be Seven Sea's representative for the MBC 'Bastardship of the Ring'!

Pinhead: Great. Now they’re making us look like the bad guys if we don’t pay what they want.

[More applause. By now, Ryu Osawa, Lolita Love, Liam Cassidy, and several others have reached ringside.]

Pinhead: I don't know if they'll be able to hold a tournament before we dock. Maybe a battle royal.

TB: Introducing, the first CHALLENGER! He weighs in at a slim, trim 265 pounds. Former Western States Champion, formerly one-half of the Western States Tag Team Champions, former Nebraska Cornhusker TV Champion, former Texarkana Cruiserweight Champion. I give to you... the one, the only...

...


...RICHARD BEAUMONT!

[The speakers play out "Rock and Roll Hootchie Koo" as the white-haired senior wrestler walks out in a sequined robe. Some fans cheer, some fans boo. The other wrestlers don't look too pleased, but Richard has a giant grin as he enters the ring and blows kisses to the audience, then insists on having Tony hold his robe.]

Slush: How dare these wrestlers not respect their elders!

Pinhead: Well, when one of the co-owners declares himself one of the top contenders for the title- without any reasoning- it's going to cause some hard feelings.

TB: And his opponent! He weighs in at 230 pounds. He is formerly one half of the Western States Tag Team Champions, and holds the record the holding the Eastern New Mexico International Title for over four years! I give to you...

...


... BOBBY BEAUMONT!

[The music has been replaced with “Magic Man” by Heart as the other Beaumont Brother steps out. He's wearing thick black glasses and his white hair is combed back with grease. He hands out flowers to all of the women in the front row, and attempts to give one to Lolita Love. Lolita begins lecturing him about putting himself in the title picture, and Bobby sighs and moves on. As he enters the ring, Richard charges and attacks.]


====================================================
=SSW== BOBBY BEAUMONT vs RICHARD BEAUMONT
=======

*DING DING DING*

[The referee entered the ring while Tony rolled out to avoid getting caught between the brawlers. The other wrestlers stayed at ringside. Tony joined Slush and Pinhead.]

Slush: Bobby and Richard are brawling- I gotta admit, I haven't seen two geezers fight with this much spirit since they ran out of roast beef at the buffet last month!

Pinhead: Are you sure it's a good idea, just naming them as the top contenders?

TB: I'm... not disagreeing. But Uncle Bobby and Uncle Richard both assured me that the wrestlers would recognize their obvious skill and support their decision.

Pinhead: [Looking at the scowling wrestlers] I don't think they do.

TB: I'm... afraid you're right.

[In the ring, Bobby had taken control and slammed Richard's head into the turnbuckle, then hiptossed him and goes for the cover.

1...

KICKOUT!

Richard fought back with an armbar, cinching it in.]

Slush: Geez- it's like watching a time warp. I'm expecting the Bee Gees and strobes lights during the match.

TB: You should have been here last cruise then.

[By this point in the match, the entire locker room had emptied out. That happened to include wrestlers on the roster who didn’t compete tonight. After all, they hold multiple shows throughout the course of a cruise. None of them were happy that they’d been overlooked, not just for the championship of SSW but also the spot in the Bastardship of the Ring Tournament.]

Pinhead: Seriously, you must have some great stuff to blackmail these wrestlers with to keep them here.

TB: What makes you say that?

Pinhead: I don’t know. Maybe the fact they’re about a minute away from rioting

[As Bobby and Richard continued to wrestle, the rest of the roster became very vocal. In fact, it was Jonas Elm who was the loudest. He dropped F-bombs, S-bombs and maybe even a few forbidden X-bombs, causing many mothers to earmuff their children and children to earmuff their collector’s edition Lolita Love action figures. Elm marched to the ring and continued his tirade, directing it right at the Beaumonts.]

Pinhead: Wow, you hear that?

TB: I do.

Pinhead: Elm, who just lost to Osawa, is even decrying the outrage of this.

Slush: I think they must have ran out of lobster at the buffet.

TB: Listen, I know they have an unusual way of doing things....

Pinhead: Osawa is the rightful representative of this federation! Everybody knows it! And you’re holding the MBC up for money!

TB: I’m just....

[Suddenly, a half-eaten hot dog flies past Tony’s face.]

TB: Oh no... it’s happening again...

[Slush finds that same half eaten hot dog in his lap. His eyes are wide... not with horror... or disgust...

...but with arousal.]

Slush: FOOD FIGHT!!!

[Let’s face it. A “food fight” is nothing short of a PG rated version of a riot. And a riot is exactly what breaks out. The wrestlers went into full upheaval as most of the fans flew to the exits. Sure, some of them stayed. There was food to throw and gift shops to loot. The once calm setting of the wrestling show quickly devolved into chaos.

Inexplicably, a bonfire started.

Somehow, weapons were fashioned.

All was madness. All was lost.

On the deck of the S.S. McGinley, a four string quartet gathered.]

Violinist: Gentlemen.

Cellist: It has been an honor.

[The quartet took up their instruments, sat and began to play. It was a rather lovely orchestrated version of Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burning for You” if you can believe it. But then...

...all went dark.]





THREE HOURS LATER





[The scene comes back, not to the ship but dockside. A quick look around tells you that we’re not in America. Instead this takes place on one of the many islands in the Caribbean. It’s not a large dock by any means. But likely, it was the closest. The entire roster of wrestlers sit with their luggage, most of them covered in food and bruises. Nearby, in the clear blue water of the Caribbean, SSW’s ring slowly sinks.]

Slush: You know, we’re not so much a wrestling show any more. It’s more like a comic book. Or the comic book version of Benny Hill.

[Nearby, some wrestlers are making the most of it. Kayla Livingstone is signing autographs while Ryu Osawa is trying to hit on her, making comments about “mermaid love.” Lolita Love is continuing her tan. Kiyumi has inspired a large group of followers to build her a boat.

Slush, Pinhead and Tony Beaumont stand at the end of the dock, all watching the SS McGinley as it sales into the sunset.]

TB: Look at the bright side...

Pinhead: There’s a bright side to getting kicked off a cruise ship mid cruise?

TB: At least we were near a port. We weren’t this lucky last time...

Pinhead: Well, good luck with that. Slush and I are going to be moving on.

TB: Wait, hold on. Aren’t we going to negotiate?

Pinhead: For what? Your territory and leverage are currently sinking to the bottom of the sea.

TB: But we want to be a part of the MBC... we want to be in the tournament.

Pinhead: You know, I was told that bad things would happen if all the territories didn’t get together.

[Pinhead turns and begins to walk away. Slush follows his lead.]

Pinhead: After a half cruise with you Beaumonts, I think I’d rather take my chances. There’s no way we’re going to pay what you’re asking to...

TB: No wait! We’ll drop that part of it! We want to be in the MBC!

Pinhead: ...and you’ll concede Ryu Osawa as the rightful representative of SSW in the Bastardship of the Ring?

TB: Of course.

Pinhead: All right then. We have a deal.

[Relieved, Tony Beaumont turns back to look at the sunset.]

TB: I’m relieved. I’m sure this will be a beautiful relationship.

[Suddenly and silently, masked men appear behind Pinhead and Slush. These ninja like warriors put cloths to Pinhead and Slush mouths and within seconds, their eyes roll into the back of their heads. The two commentators fall limp and the ninjas take their unconscious forms and disappear.]

TB: And I assume of course this means the MBC will help get us all back to the United States. Right?

[Tony only hears silence.]

TB: Right?

[Tony turns to see that Pinhead and Slush are gone, not realizing they’ve been kidnapped. His lip is furled but the young Beaumont has nothing to say.

What is there to say?

Fade to sweet merciful black.]

Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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