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2008 Bastard Olympics
Topic Started: Sep 7 2012, 03:21 PM (164 Views)
MBCKyle
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[It wouldn't be the Olympics if we didn't milk an intro over and over again. And over and over ad nauseam. That’s what the Olympics are all about. Screw that sportsmanship stuff. It's about cheating! Did Flo Jo teach us nothing? Or was that another track and field chick? I get them all confused.

Let's steal from our 2000 Olympics...

Fade to Olympic gold...

Well, you can't do that so we'll fade to black and then come back in with something else. Let’s try... smoke. Yeah, smoke looks good. Okay, you see black, but there’s smoke and it looks cool. Trust me. In fades the five rings of the Olympic Symbol. Well for copyright reasons, we don't have that, at least not the real version. We bastardized it.]

Voice: Yes, the five Olympic triangles.

(Yep, we bastardized those rings alright.)

Voice: At one time, each of the five triangles of meant something to the world: Tradition, respect, integrity, athleticism, and motivation.

(In fades the MBC logo.)

Voice: But now we've bastardized the rings into triangles they stand for a new set of ideals.

[In fade the beer.]

Voice: Drinking, drinking, drinking, more drinking, and even more drinking.

[In fade a picture of Chris O'Brien. Well its actually a picture of Chris O'Brien with the One-Winged Angel's face digitally placed over the head.]

Voice: The effects of having a Fraternity Boy as your former champion are vast.

[In fade a picture of...]

Voice: Would someone please stop fading in the damn pictures?

[The screen becomes blank.]

Voice: Thank you.

[The screen remains blank as if mocking the narrator.]

Voice: Someone once said that if you took one thousand monkeys and put them in front of one thousand typewriters, they would produce Hamlet. Alas, we could only afford the rental fee for one monkey. We placed it in front of an IBM Thinkpad and watched what it produced. What it made we sought to produce...

[Fade back to the Olympic Triangles.]

Voice: What he produced involved 999 monkeys and Carrot Top. We were not pleased. The monkey was consequently shot.

(Poor, poor monkey.)

Voice: So we had this introduction. Sad isn't it?

(Cue the music. No, we couldn't get the Olympic theme song either. Ever see the Animaniacs? They had this thing called the "World Song". That’s all we could get. So "The World Song" by the Animaniacs. And as this song plays we fade to the image of the bastardized Olympic torch, a pig on a spit over an open fire. Nothing like pork. Cue the logo.)


T H E M I G H T Y B A S T A R D

C H A M P I O N S I P

P R E S E N T S T H E

____ ___ ___ ___ __ __ ____ ____
|___ \ / _ \ / _ \ ( _ ) | \/ | __ ) / ___|
__) | | | | | | |/ _ \ | |\/| | _ \| |
/ __/| |_| | |_| | (_) | | | | | |_) | |___
|_____|\___/ \___/_\___/__|_|_ |_|____/_\____|
/ ___|| | | | \/ | \/ | ____| _ \
\___ \| | | | |\/| | |\/| | _| | |_) |
___) | |_| | | | | | | | |___| _ <
_|____/ \___/|_|_ |_|_|__|_|_____|_|_\_\
/ _ \| | \ \ / / \/ | _ \_ _/ ___/ ___|
| | | | | \ V /| |\/| | |_) | | | \___ \
| |_| | |___| | | | | | __/| | |___ ___) |
\___/|_____|_| |_| |_|_| |___\____|____/

A u g u s t 1 9 t h , 2 0 0 8

M a v e r i c k S t a d i u m

U n i v e r s i t y o f T e x a s

a t A r l i n g t o n


[The logo fades and we are taken to the MBC Event Center, which is pretty much just the old MBC studios with some new fangled decorations. Standing ready are Skullhead and Pinhead. And standing next to them, not exactly ready, is Slush.]

Slush: So we're going to be that lazy?

Pinhead: How do you mean?

Slush: We didn't even change the intro from 2000. We still have that "Olympic Triangle" crap.

Pinhead: It's still valid.

Slush: Hardly. You're milking the legacy and good name of Chris O'Brien.

Pinhead: It's what he would have wanted us to do.

Slush: I... I... can't really deny that.

Skullhead: Welcome everyone to this House of Bastards special. Like most everything else the MBC tackles, we've bastardized something relatively current.

Slush: It's nice to not be behind the curve like Mel Brooks.

Pinhead: Like Spaceballs.

Slush: I'm in a somber mood today, so I'll let that one go.

Pinhead: Why so somber?

Slush: Pray for Tinkle Pinhead. Pray for Tinkle. We're pulling for you buddy!

Skullhead: In 2000, the MBC held its own version of the Summer Olympics. Here in 2008, we've done it again. Let's get to those highlights.

==================================
KARAOKE
==================================
2000 GOLD: Satin Sheets SILVER: Lolita Love BRONZE: Orbit
==================================
The field of competition was large. But it came down to three people who took their game to whole new levels. Taking home the bronze was "The Master of Gimmicks" Max Benson who’s full on Elvis extravaganza ignited the crowd goers. "The American Idol" Amber Rogers had the best voice but her decision to change the lyrics cost her points, especially with the Russian judge. This left her with a silver medal. The gold however went to Taylor MacKenzie, whose catalogue of Rush songs dazzled the judges, especially in conjunction with the routine she apparently trained her cats to do to the tune of "Tom Sawyer".
-----
GOLD: Taylor MacKenzie
SILVER: Amber Rogers
BRONZE: Max Benson
==================================


==================================
GO FISH
==================================
2000 GOLD: Tara Marshall SILVER: Satin Sheets BRONZE: One-Winged Angel
==================================
The Go Fish competition didn't draw many fans as they were all seemingly more interested in other events (more to come on that later). Defending gold medalist Tara Marshall took home gold again with shrewd play and a certain knack for remembering who had what cards. The only difference between the Silver and Bronze was a simple book of Aces that fell into the hands of Jerry Titus instead of The Omen.
-----
GOLD: Tara Marshall
SILVER: Jerry Titus
BRONZE: The Omen
==================================


==================================
MBC SURVIVOR
==================================
2000 GOLD: Tom Lands SILVER: Tara Smith BRONZE: Q-Ball
==================================
Being the defending Gold medalist simply made Tom Landis a target. Thanks to his younger sister Brianna, he was the first to be eliminated. However, Tom had already made alliances that prevented Brianna from getting the Gold medal herself. Plus it helped that Andrea Kristian made certain promises to those who voted for her. Whether she fulfills those promises is unknown. Billy McKenzie lucked into the Bronze simply by being unthreatening as possible.
-----
GOLD: Andrea Kristian
SILVER: Brianna Landis
BRONZE: Billy McKenzie
==================================


==================================
MBC MONOPOLY
==================================
2000 GOLD: Crimson SILVER: Simon O'Neal BRONZE: Doug Christian
==================================
Amity thoroughly dominated the Monopoly event by entering the games with prearranged alliances. In each round, it wasn't long before Amity controlled the board and all other players were bankrupted. The final four came down to One-Winged Angel, Rage, Spice and Ami Tran. Poor Spice was the odd man out as he made the mistake of charging Ami Tran too much rent for landing on Broadway. Reports are sketchy but the resulting real estate war was ugly.
-----
GOLD: One-Winged Angel
SILVER: Rage
BRONZE: Ami Tran
==================================


==================================
MAGIC: THE GATHERING
==================================
2000 GOLD: Billy McKenzie SILVER: Simon O'Neal BRONZE: Slush
==================================
Magic: The Gathering isn't quite as popular as it once was. All the attention was taken away by the event that was being held next door, leaving Billy McKenzie as the only real competitor. Scud's wife, Shawni McKenzie was originally there for support but opted to participate since she was there. In order to round out the field, event officials grabbed the first person who passed by in the hall. That just so happened to be Slush, who managed to get the bronze in this last Olympics for pretty much the same reason.
-----
GOLD: Billy McKenzie
SILVER: Shawni McKenzie
BRONZE: Slush
==================================

Slush: Yeah bitches! I'm a bronze medalist!

Pinhead: What was going on next door that was so popular? Who won those medals?

Skullhead: Actually, that event is still ongoing.

==================================
WORLD OF WARCRAFT
==================================
NEW EVENT
==================================
Indeed, everybody was next door playing World of Warcraft. It should come as no surprise that some of the MBC wrestlers were experienced players but even some of the newbies took to the game like fish to water. The objectives of the game were a little unclear but the Cheetoes and Mountain Dew were plentiful. Ryu Osawa is expected to be the first to be eliminated as he is constantly distracted by dancing Night Elf women. Still, with a large 60 man raid scheduled for tonight, the outcome is still up in the air.
-----
EVENT IS ONGOING
==================================


==================================
PONG
==================================
2000 GOLD: Crimson SILVER: Lolita Love BRONZE: Doug Christian
==================================
Not satisfied with the Silver from the 2000 Olympics, Lolita Love used the past eight years to improve her game. She thoroughly dominated the competition but that did not mean there weren't any obstacles. Holly Hotbody proved that she knew a thing or two about paddles and bouncing balls. Wow... that sounded so wrong... I don't think I can go on with a straight face...
-----
GOLD: Lolita Love
SILVER: Holly Hotbody
BRONZE: Ryu Osawa
==================================

Skullhead: And that's it for the first segment of competition. After this, it gets a little ugly.

Slush: Until you watch a little more. Then you're watching Olympic events with Beer Goggles on.

Pinhead: Pretty much literally. Why we have events built around drinking, I don't know.

Slush: You remember Chris O'Brien don't you?

Pinhead: Right, right.


==================================
DRUNKEN LAWN DARTS
==================================
2000 GOLD: Tara Smith SILVER: Simon O'Neal BRONZE: Chris O'Brien
==================================
Leanna Love definitely knows how to hold her liquor. She was the sleeper of the entire event and her uncanny accuracy further gained the ire of one Kiora Donavon. The two nearly reached the point of throwing the lawn darts at one another but a very sizeable obstacle stood between them, namely TENMA Akamu. Akamu commented how the power of Lou compelled him to total accuracy. Upon winning the gold, he rode off into the sunset to seek "hotties" since neither Love nor Donavon were interested in helping him celebrate his win.
-----
GOLD: TENMA Akamu
SILVER: Kiora Donavon
BRONZE: Leanna Love
==================================


==================================
DRUNKEN KEG ROLLING
==================================
2000 GOLD: Chris O'Brien SILVER: Trevor Hextall BRONZE: Stan Crawford
==================================
The kegs were flying AND rolling. Thankfully nobody (important) was harmed during the course of the event. Crawford set the bar high with early rolls. Rage and Spice, not to be outdone, brought a flair to their rolls that possibly in time will be looked upon as being groundbreaking. Ultimately though, it was the rivalry between Rage and Spice that let Crawford slip ahead and get enough points to take home the Gold.
-----
GOLD: Stan Crawford
SILVER: Rage
BRONZE: Spice
==================================


==================================
DRUNKEN BOXING
==================================
2000 GOLD: Paul Wong SILVER: Bob Jablonski BRONZE: Tom Landis
==================================
Still pissed about losing out on Survivor, Tom Landis entered this event ready to set the world on fire. In short time he went from pissed to piss drunk. His wild fighting style made him like a whirling dervish of pain, dishing out punishment to every one of his opponents. Landis' endurance, especially when drunk, helped him win the day as TENMA Akamu had just recently returned from his wild night of celebrating his Lawn Darts Gold Medal with multiple hotties.
-----
GOLD: Tom Landis
SILVER: TENMA Akamu
BRONZE: Crib Death Chuck
==================================


==================================
DRUNKEN BOWLING
==================================
2000 GOLD: Chris O'Brien SILVER: Simon O'Neal BRONZE: Peter Stevenson
==================================
Few things go together better than beer and bowling. And somehow, the MBC has turned that into an Olympic event. If the ancient Greeks saw what we were doing today, it’s quite possible they would cry. Or play right along, I don't know. Bowling is pretty fun. And our athletes had lots of fun with it. Mr. Haliburton was a surprise entrant to the contest, stepping in for his boys the Problem Solvers, who were quite busy with the other "Drinking" and "Brawling" events. Whether it was a natural talent for the game or a real strong like for things Gold, Mr. Haliburton blew the competition away by nearly bowling a perfect game. One-Winged Angel, suffice it to say, wasn't pleased as his 250 average in the competition was nothing to sneeze at.
-----
GOLD: Mr. Haliburton
SILVER: One-Winged Angel
BRONZE: Nina Grimsson
==================================


==================================
DRINKING
==================================
2000 GOLD: Simon O'Neal SILVER: Tom Landis BRONZE: Tesla St. James
==================================
Not much to really say about this one. This event was about endurance and holding your liquor. Honestly, I'm not even sure why this is an event. Probably because of a certain former World Champion who just so happened to be an Icon of the sport. If you think about it, would this sort of event make Chris O'Brien a "two-sport superstar?" Yeah, that’s pretty [MEEP]ed up when you think about it.
-----
GOLD: Tesla St. James
SILVER: Kiora Donavon
BRONZE: Nina Grimsson
==================================


==================================
BAR ROOM BRAWLING
==================================
2000 GOLD: Stan Crawford SILVER: Oakland Oddball BRONZE: John Smith
==================================
How did it work? We threw ten wrestlers into a bar with some alcohol and waited for the fireworks to go off. The one wrestler who didn't get knocked out or thrown out the window was declared the winner. This was the most violent event of the entire Olympics, surpassing even the "Kill the Guy With the Ball" Melee. Stan Crawford was the Gold medal favorite and lived up to expectations proving that experience in this event goes quite a long way. Rage surprised most by taking the Silver, getting help from Crawford to last eliminate Erik Grimsson. However, Crawford was quick to turn on the Amity member and throw him out the front door.
-----
GOLD: Stan Crawford
SILVER: Rage
BRONZE: Erik Grimsson
==================================


Pinhead: How many hangovers does the MBC account for every year?

Skullhead: Quite a few I'm sure.

Slush: You know what takes care of that? NyQuila!

Pinhead: Doesn't that cause hangovers?

Slush: Ever hear of "hair of the dog"?

Pinhead: Unfortunately.

Slush: I love the smell of NyQuila in the morning.

Skullhead: Let's take a look at the final third of our events.


==================================
JELLO LONG JUMP
==================================
2000 GOLD: Orbit SILVER: Rook BRONZE: Tara Marshall
==================================
This event was more or less just an excuse to make a mess. And the younger wrestlers were out in force. Andrea Kristian was the first to participate. She made good distance but her behavior in the jello with some people she had just met at the event, well, while it did draw a rather large crowd, the judges had no choice but to deduct a few points for "violating the spirit of the event" which really translated to "violating the sanctity of school grounds" as this event was being held at the University of Texas in Arlington campus. The most notable part of the event was the competition between Jan Delgado and Lolita Love. While inside the ring the two are rivals, but as they competed against one another, they slowly began to get along and eventually were having a blast with their respective jumps. When Delgado won the gold, it was Love who first congratulated her.
-----
GOLD: Jan Delgado
SILVER: Andrea Kristian
BRONZE: Lolita Love
==================================


==================================
DODGE BALL
==================================
2000 GOLD: Rook SILVER: Tom Landis BRONZE: Tara Marshall
==================================
Kiora Donavon and Ryu Osawa were on top of their games as multiple rounds of Dodge ball got underway. But it was surprise entrance Stephanie Harper who dodged and tossed with the best of them. Rarely being eliminated herself, Harper set the high mark for number of eliminations. Osawa and Donavon both ended up being tricky outs but Harper prevailed for her first MBC Olympic Gold Medal. Donavon was disappointed in her performance in the end but she commented afterwards that the Olympics hadn't ended just yet.
-----
GOLD: Stephanie Harper
SILVER: Ryu Osawa
BRONZE: Kiora Donavon
==================================


==================================
KILL THE GUY WITH THE BALL
==================================
2000 GOLD: Paul Wong SILVER: Oakland Oddball BRONZE: John Smith
==================================
You give a bunch of guys an open field and a football and you're going to have a knock down drag out game of destruction. It had rained the last several days so the field was muddy. That only made the event that much more fun to watch. The scoring system itself was fairly convoluted but the points didn't seem to matter to the competitors. By hook or crook with time wearing down it was TENMA Akamu who had earned the most amount of points to earn himself a Gold medal. In a post event interview, he thanked Lou for giving him the power to take souls and kills guys with footballs.
-----
GOLD: TENMA Akamu
SILVER: Erik Grimsson
BRONZE: Dan Muldoon
==================================


==================================
SUMO WRESTLING (W/SUMO SUITS)
==================================
2000 GOLD: Peter Stevenson SILVER: Tara Smith BRONZE: Johnny Thunder
==================================
Outside the more controversial events of these Olympic Games, the most talked about event had to have been the Sumo Wrestling. Both Kiora Donavon and Leanna Love tore through the competition and in the Gold Medal final it came down to these two women. This final drew the largest crowd of the Olympics, even surpassing the show Andrea Kristian put on during the Jello Long jump. After a long brutal battle that went all five rounds, Kiora Donavon managed to get the final knockdown on Leanna Love giving her the Gold. The two obviously wanted to continue fighting, sumo suits or not, but officials kept the two separated in order to maintain "Olympic Spirit". Yeah, I know. The crowd wanted to see them fight too.
-----
GOLD: Kiora Donavon
SILVER: Leanna Love
BRONZE: Max Benson
==================================


==================================
MIDGET TOSSING (COMBINED DISTANCE&TECHNIQUE)
==================================
2000 GOLD: Paul Wong SILVER: Crimson BRONZE: Rook
==================================
This wasn't the first time a MBC event was protested and there is no doubt that it'll be the last. Still, the events went on. Setting new records for distance, Jerry Titus used his "Pure Power" to capture the gold. For the silver, it was TENMA Akamu who set record high marks in technique. Pete Davidson came in third for an impressive combination of both. Afterwards, a brawl broke out between protestors and the midget tossees. It was a fairly ugly scene that resulted in ten arrests.
-----
GOLD: Jerry Titus
SILVER: TENMA Akamu
BRONZE: Pete Davidson
==================================


Pinhead: Can't our Olympics go one year without some sort of arrest?

Slush: They can, but we'd have to stop holding them. Take away the cause, get rid of the effect.

Pinhead: That's almost profound Slush.

Slush: I don't think so. I read it off my Cheerio's box this morning.

Pinhead: Where did it say that?

Slush: In the fine print. It was surprisingly preachy for a breakfast cereal.

Skullhead: The second MBC Olympiad has come to its conclusion ladies and gentlemen. We hope you enjoyed the events half as much as I did.

Slush: Half doesn't leave them with much.

Skullhead: Join us again for Tuesday Bloody Tuesday.

[Fade to Olympic Black.]


Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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