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| [MBC] Unnamed Bastard Show - Episode 6; OLYMPICS NIGHT ONE | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 5 2012, 04:37 PM (404 Views) | |
| MBCKyle | Oct 5 2012, 04:37 PM Post #1 |
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
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IN TIME IMMEMORIAL, THERE LIVED A GOD BELOVED BY ALL [And we fade from black as this tale is told...] BUT HIS MOTHER WAS HAUNTED BY DREAMS OF HIS DEATH [The day fades as the sun sets over the horizon. A beach is caressed by the waves of a calm sea. A line of trees hide what’s beyond. Lazy clouds are set with hues of orange, red and grey. In the distance, an engine is heard. It travels closer, finally arriving into view. A small boat with passengers speeds to the shore.] THEY FORETOLD THAT IF THE BELOVED GOD DIED, THE WORLD WOULD END [Just as soon as the boat lands on the beach, an unmarked white bands backs up from the trees]. THE MOTHER WENT TO ALL OBJECTS OF THE WORLD [Black clad figures of stealthy regard exit the vehicles, land going and seafaring alike.] ASKING FOR THEIR VOW NEVER TO DO HARM TO HER SON [They are like the fabled ninja of stories told, silent in movement but in all other matters bold.] HE WAS SO BELOVED THAT ALL MADE THE PROMISE [Cargo is removed from the boat and transported to the back of the awaiting van.] ALL SAVE FOR MISTLETOE [That cargo of course are the unconscious bodies of Pinhead and Slush.] BUT THE MOTHER PAID NO HEED, FOR SHE AND EVERYONE ELSE THOUGHT MISTLETOE UNIMPORTANT [The back doors to the van are closed, the black clad ninjas rushing to the seats up front.] LEARNING THIS, THE TRICKSTER MADE A SPEAR OF MISTLETOE [Before the driver’s side door is even shut, the van begins to pull forward.] AND TRICKED THE BELOVED GOD’S BROTHER, THE BLIND GOD [Like a big metal ninja, the van maneuvers through the trees.] TO THROW THE SPEAR AT HIS BROTHER [The`camera then follows the van as the film advances in fast forward motion. Night falls, headlights turn on and the van travels the back roads. Then comes a concrete road with the occasional red blur of tail lights, passing on the journey. Then comes a highway, the kind of thing Bob Seger would sing about.] ALL WEAPONS HAD DONE NO HARM TO THE BELOVED GOD FOR THEY MADE THE PROMISE [The van continues on, still in fast forward. Occasional stops are made for gas and food. There’s even a stop at a strip joint. The stealthy clad kidnappers get chased out of that particular establishment...] BUT THE BELOVED GOD WAS PIERCED BY THE SPEAR OF MISTLETOE AND DIED [Inside the van we see same fast motion video, though most of it has both Pinhead and Slush completely knocked out. They do awake a few times, but they are quickly taken out with tranquilizers. Pinhead needs only the one to make him slumber. Slush needs about five.] OH HOW THE WORLD GRIEVED [And a Vulcan nerve pinch for good measure.] THEY TURNED TO THE BLIND GOD AND CURSED HIM [Back outside the van, the fast forward continues along the highways of what we presume is the United States. One exit later, the van continues to travel down back country roads, barely lit by either the chilling night or street lights. The fast motion slows to normal play and the camera stops just before a sign as the van drives on.] “TWAS THE BLIND GOD NAMED HOD WHO BRINGS THE END OF THE WORLD” [The sign reads: “ Welcome to Styx, Alabama”] “TIS THE BLIND GOD NAMED HOD WHOSE HAND IS THE HAND OF DOOM” [And we fade to darkness as Danzig’s “Thirteen” begins to play ominously through your speakers. Then comes forth the logo...] THE MIGHTY BASTARD CHAMPIONSHIP PRESENTS THE UNNAMED BASTARD SHOW EPISODE SIX: FUR IS MURDER or CANNIBALISM IS MANSLAUGHTER [First there is darkness and then the red lights of the van backing up into a loading bay. The doors fly open and from it come the stealthy, ninja like personages. Securing the path before them, they then signal to more stealth types inside the van. These additional stealthys pull out two figures, heads hooded and hands bound. Their voices are muffled but we can still hear them enough to understand...] Pinhead: Thank god! We’re out of that van! Slush: Reminds me of the eighties... Pinhead: God, it was getting rank. Slush: They shouldn’t have fed me Taco Bell. Pinhead: I doesn’t matter what you eat, Slush. No matter what, you’re worse than a water treatment plant on a hot summer night. [As they banter, the stealthed figures take our hero and Slush down a long hall, filled with pipes and wires. Loud, repetitive thumps can be heard through the walls, floor and ceiling.] Pinhead: Where the Hell are we? How long have we been tied up? Slush: Seven days, twelve hours, and thirty six minutes. Pinhead: How the Hell can you be so accurate? Slush: I’ve been a part of many kidnappings in my time. [A pause.] Slush: On both sides. [Another pause.] Slush: Ah, my sorority days. [After this trip down the winding halls, after lefts and rights, Pinhead and Slush are brought to a set of solid oak doors. Carved within the wood is a relief both beautiful and horrifying. Surely, this was the image of an elder god’s nightmare.] Slush: Is it just me or does that look like Gary Coleman? [The door begins to open, a sliver of bright light shining through the space and blinding all before the door. The great oak relieved doors open completely and inside is what can only be described as a throne room straight out of sword and sandal fantasy epics: facades of polished marble, fire pits surrounded by scantily clad men and women, a large staircase so ornate that Donald Trump would be humbled. Humbled I said. HUMBLED!] Slush: Where the [MEEP] are we? Pinhead: Did you ever see Conan the Barbarian? Slush: Is snake headed James Earl Jones going to eat us? [At the base of the stairway, possibly to heaven itself, are two men. One is pale, small and skinny as a rail. The other is dark skinned and rather rotund. It is the skinny one who steps forth and speaks within a shockingly deep voice. His voice booms.] Skinny Man: ALL HAIL! [The fire dancers all stand at attention and turn to the skinny man.] Skinny Man: ALL HAIL THE COMING OF YOUR SUPERIOR! ALL HAIL THE ARRIVAL OF SHE WHO IS WITHOUT FAULT, SHE WHO IS WITHOUT ERROR, SHE WHO IS WITHOUT EQUAL! Dancers: HAIL TO THE QUEEN, BABY! Skinny Man: HAIL TO THE MAGNIFICENT ONE, THE BEAUTY OF BEAUTIES! ALL HAIL QUEEN HOLLY! [And there, in a shower of light and possibly glitter at the top of the heavenly ascended stairway is the woman to MBC fans the world alike, “The Seductress” Holly Hotbody., ] Pinhead: Surely, we are in Hell. Slush: Quiet! It is the sainted mother! [Holly is clad in a long, black cloak, obscuring her attire. Her long, auburn falls down her back, a portion covering her eye ala Veronica Lake and a diamond tiara perched atop her head. She looks at her surroundings serenely before suddenly throwing off her cloak, drawing admiring gasps from those in attendance. That famous, statuesque body is now shown in full effect, Holly clad in a slinky, black, curve-hugging gown, complete with plunging neckline, showing off her ample cleavage, and a dangerous slit on the side, showing an eyeful of shapely gams. She completes the look with black, stiletto heels. A smile crosses her lovely face, the young Queen clearly in her element. As Holly walks seductively down the steps, the rotund man steps forward and begins to sing. If you are curious of the tune... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdSYtlMUzPE That’s right. “She’s Your Queen” from “Coming to America.” Yep, I went there.] Rotund Man: #She's the queen Ho-lly# #A queen to be forever# #A queen who'll win whatever# #Her Highness desires# #She's the Queen Ho-lly# #A vision of perfection# #An object of affection# #To light your royal fire# [Holly reaches the bottom of the stairs but opts to ignore her guests. Instead, she listens to the rotund man sing. Clearly, this is her favorite part.] Rotund Man: #Completely owns your attention# #In no need of your correction# #Waiting only for adoration# #Your queen...Ho...lly!# [The man finishes his song and bows. In turn, the skinny man and dancers bow. The stealthy agents kick Slush and Pinhead in the back of the knees to force them to bow as well.] Holly: Welcome, outlanders. [she makes a sweeping gesture] To my humble home. Pinhead: You know this is why people don’t take the MBC seriously, right? Slush: Your majesty, where are we? Aside from your beautifully royal presence? [Pinhead rolls his eyes. Holly smiles again, clearly enjoying a good suck up.] Holly: You are in Styx, Alabama, Sir Slush. This is the new home of the Hand of Doom and the MBC-Styx wrestling territory. My people and I bid you welcome. Pinhead: The Hand has one of the MBC territories? Good God! Slush: The crazy Styx people have a town again? [She sighs, folding her arms across her chest.] Holly: It was quite the story actually. The people of Styx, Wyoming were lost...aimless. Like gypsies they wandered, having no home to call their own. For too long they remained this way as their old home sadly still burned. [A solemn expression moves across her face.] Pinhead: I heard that Styx, Wyoming is like a bad tire fire you can’t put out... [She decides to ignore Pinhead, continuing her tale of woe.] Holly: When the Hand of Doom finally wrested leadership away from my dear King Vengeance, we decided to guide the Styxians. So, they eventually bought this town on ebay and built it up to be our...er their new home. Pinhead: Who the Hell sells a town on ebay? Holly: [pauses] Well, it wasn’t really a town. Just a very large set for “Walker: Texas Ranger” that wasn’t being used anymore. Pinhead: And where is your ringleader, Crimson. Holly: Crimson? Well, he is currently secluded and taking care of more important matters. He IS the World Champion after all, despite this insipid little tournament. [she sniffs] In his stead, he has rightfully instated me as Queen! Pinhead: So you were the one who had us kidnapped? Holly: Kidnapped. Shmidnapped. [she waves her hand in the air] It was just an opportunity to get you and I together so that I may tell you one thing. [She leans in close, peering at both of them with narrowed eyes.] Holly: I. Want. The. Book! Pinhead: Again with the damn book. You’re not getting it. [Holly glares at him, opening her mouth to spout some threat or obsenity when one of the stealthy agents steps up, head bowed still to the Queen.] Agent: Your majesty, we searched their persons and their belongings. We did not find the book. Slush: Ah, so YOU were the one who got all handsy. [Holly ponders this and then motions to the agent with a subtle gesture. He then produces a knife.] Pinhead: Okay, this is going too far. Slush: Pinhead did it! It’s all his fault! [The agent steps behind Slush and Pinhead and uses the knife to free them of the ropes that bind their hands.] Holly: Fine. The two of you are now free to roam around the city. But know this. You will not be allowed to leave until we get the book. [pauses] Unless… Pinhead: Unless? Holly: Well, there are two other conditions to your freedom as well. Slush: Can I just let Pinhead handle that? I’m really dying for some shaved ice right now. Pinhead: What conditions? Holly: Be aware that when you are summoned, you will be taken just as you were before. There will always be someone watching you, especially at the city limits. Pinhead: And two? Holly: [smiles brightly] You will do commentary tonight. Slush: DAMNIT! Pinhead: For your wrestling show? Seems reasonable... Holly: [grins mysteriously] Actually, wrestling has taken the week off. We are hosting something special. Slush: A short bus car show? Holly: I’m talking about The 2012 Bastard Olympics! [Holly snaps her fingers and from another set of doors comes a horse drawn carriage, ornately decorated and befitting a queen.] Holly: Now, The Opening Ceremonies are about to begin and I must make my royal presence felt. [snaps her fingers again] Guards! [The agents take Slush and Pinhead by the arms and drag them away as the dancers swarm around Holly to form a human pathway and staircase towards the carriage.] Holly: [smirks] Let us go. [And with that, we fade to graphic...] ===================================== 2012 BASTARD OLYMPICS ===================================== DAY ONE - THE OPENING CEREMONIES ===================================== [That graphic fades and we are taken to a bird’s eye view of a small city, presumably Styx, Alabama. Specifically, we see the main street. Both sides are filled to the brim with men, women and children holding balloons, flags and other assorted brightly colored items, all meant to broadcast their cheer. Down this street comes a marching band. The cameras pan down to better see the event as it unfolds. And just in time too! From a distant corner, a familiar carriage turns. Sitting atop it in all her royal majesty is Queen Holly Hotbody.] Voice #1: And there she is, making her first appearance to the citizen’s of Styx since the 76th Annual Cheese Festival is our beloved Queen Holly. Voice #2: Soon she’ll be entering the Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium and officially begin the Third Bastard Olympiad. [The view then switches to a news desk that overlooks a large football stadium. The stadium is filled to capacity with the citizens of Styx, all wearing some combination of red and black. And our table has four chairs, two of which are filled. At the far left is a face that would be familiar only to those who followed the MBC all the way back in 1996. Next to him is someone a little more infamous.] Man #1: We welcome our viewers at home to KWTF’s coverage of this special event. I’m James “Fiend Machine” Tempo. And joining me for the next week to add his special blend of insight is Styx’s hero, Sheriff Roy Beam. RB: My friends call me “Laser.” [Within the studio, chants of “LASER~! LASER~!” erupt. The Sheriff raises his hand in aknowledgement and bids them to simmer down.] Fiend Machine: And joining us for these Opening Ceremonies... [From off camera they come, the ninja like agents with Pinhead and Slush in tow. The agents plop the two MBC mainstays into their seats and yes, neither one is pleased to be there.] Pinhead: I should have set that damn book on fire. Slush: I would have gladly encouraged your pyromania. RB: Hello boys. Pinhead: And my day is now worse. Slush: Laser! RB: Call me Sheriff. Fiend Machine: Last and certainly least, is our on the scene reporter for these events. Nate, are you there? [The screen switches to a split display. On one side is the wide grin of James “Fiend Machine” Tempo. And on the other is another man the old school MBC fan may remember. Standing on the field of the Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium is Nathan “Doom Broom” Cherry.] Doom Broom: Hearing you loud and clear. Fiend Machine: What’s the atomosphere like down there? Doom Broom: Filled with air really. But let me tell you, these fans are eagerly awaiting the arrival of both Queen Holly to start these Olympics and the parade of delegations. Fiend Machine: Any word on which delegation will be the most fashionable? Doom Broom: I’m sure there is. [And then an awkward pause.] RB: Hello Nate, Sheriff Beam here. Mind if I ask you how you got your nickname “Doom Broom”? Doom Broom: Are there penalty boxes in curling? RB: No. Doom Broom: There should be. Slush: See Pinhead, there are worse people to work with than me. Pinhead: Sadly, I can see that. [The split display goes away and we see a full shot of the entire studio panel.] Fiend Machine: We’re just a minute away from this getting started. What are you all looking forward to? RB: I hear the opening musical number will break the internet in half. Pinhead: Is it too early to look forward to the end? Slush: What war exactly is this War Memorial stadium memorializing? RB: The French and Indian War of course. Slush: Of course. Fiend Machine: Let’s get right to it! [The camera shots move from the studio high above in the press box to the field level of Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. The fans are all sitting at the edge of their seats as they await the beginning of the Ceremonies. From the stadium sound system comes the booming voice of the public address announcer.] PA: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Styx Music Recording Artists... THE THREE TREMORS! [At center field of the stadium sits a platform with three microphones. Upon this platform stand three rather large, rather rotund... really... rather grotesque individuals. Despite their shockingly unhealthy appearance, the crowd cheers for them uncontrollably.] RB: Now this is a pleasant surprise. Doom Broom: I thought these three were on tour. We’re in for a treat. Pinhead: The Three Tremors? Are they opera singers? Is this a play on the Three Tenors? Slush: I’m thinking because they’re so [MEEP]damn fat. Pinhead: That’s not a nice thing to say Slush. RB: No, he’s right. [The crowd dies down enough for the Three Tremors to begin their song.] Tremor #1: Ooooooooooooohh! [The first Tremor holds the note as the second adds his voice to harmonize.] Tremor #1 and #2: Ooooooooooooooohhhh! [And finally the third adds his....] Tremor #1, #2 and #3: Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh! [The three hold their notes for a considerable amount of time, again sending the crowd into cheers.] Tremor #1, #2 and #3: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.... [And finally the three bring it home....] Tremor #1, #2 and #3: Oppan gangnamseutail! [From either side of the stadium come inordinatly large marching bands. Leading the way for both are the massive percussion sections. Their uniforms are sleek and colored red, silver and black. Both bands play a rhythmic beat before the Three Tremors sing another bit...] Tremor #1, #2 and #3: Gangnamseutail! [Just like that, the two marching bands converge to meet around the platform Yes, the Three Tremors do the horsey dance. Yes, the Three Tremors are singing and the bands are singing the Korean pop phenomenon “Gangnam Style” by Psy. If you haven’t seen the music video, you owe it to yourself to do so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0 So take all that and imagine two large marching bands doing that on their side of three large men doing that dance. Welcome to flavor country!] #Najeneun ttasaroun inganjeogin yeoja# #Keopi hanjanui yeoyureul aneun pumgyeok inneun yeoja# #Bami omyeon simjangi tteugeowojineun yeoja# #Geureon banjeon inneun yeoja# [I’ll be honest with you, when I first stumbled upon this little viral hit, it wasn’t the international phenomenon that it is now. There were no VMA appearances or SNL cameos. He was just a little fat dude who could rap and dance. Now, the humor may be gone. People may be sick of this by now.] #Naneun sanai# #Najeneun neomankeum ttasaroun geureon sanai# #Keopi sikgido jeone wonsyat ttaerineun sanai# #Bami omyeon simjangi teojyeobeorineun sanai# #Geureon sanai# [But if I can’t take pop culture and all the annoyances that lay there in, then what’s the point? If the MBC can’t poke fun at things like this with marching bands and opera singers who are in themselves parodies of men who were relevant twenty years ago, then truly the MBC has run its course. Oh, here comes the bridge!] #Areumdawo sarangseureowo# #Geurae neo hey geurae baro neo hey# #Areumdawo sarangseureowo# #Geurae neo hey geurae baro neo hey# #Jigeumbuteo gal dekkaji gabolkka# [So back on the field, every member of the band stops, all three of the Tremors pause. The crowd goes silent with a pregnant pause. And then...] #Oppan gangnamseutail# [And then the thumping and jumping resumes...] #Gangnamseutail# #Oppan gangnamseutail# #Gangnamseutail# #Oppan gangnamseutail# [And you know, this is Styx. So you long time followers of the MBC know this place is nuts. At this moment in the opening song, a fleet of cars drive up. Think of the worst possible car you ever owned. It’s in this little parade. Ford Tempos, Gremlins, Pintos, all there. They circle up at mid field and park. Each driver exits their vehicle, revealing that every single one is dressed in a bright yellow suit. And yes, they dance.] #Eh- Sexy Lady# #Oppan gangnamseutail# [And then come the Styx cheerleading corps, all dressed in white. They too are dancing... and having their butts screamed at. Such is the way of this video.] #Eh- Sexy Lady# [But then, other parts of Styx culture come onto display. The most noticeable are large recreations of two famous figures in Styx history. The tributes are not people however. They are bears.] #Jeongsukhae boijiman nol ttaen noneun yeoja# #Ittaeda sipeumyeon mukkeotdeon meori puneun yeoja# #Garyeotjiman wenmanhan nochulboda yahan yeoja# #Geureon gamgakjeogin yeoja# [One is labeled as “Bear Shaft” while the other is labeled as “Angry Panda.” The two are brought together as if to recreate their epic battle so many years ago. Never saw that fight? Apparently it was too epic, too legendary to be filmed. But you know who probably saw it? Doctor Who. Let’s say... the Eighth Doctor. He had potential.] #Naneun sanai# #Jeomjanha boijiman nol ttaen noneun sanai# #Ttaega doemyeon wanjeon michyeobeorineun sanai# #Geunyukboda sasangi ultungbultunghan sanai# #Geureon sanai# [Next to join the Styx themed dancers and performers are a group of about twenty Canadian Style Mounties. Lead by their Sheriff, Roy Beam, they are the mighty police force of Styx. And of course, they carry with them, laser pistols. For show of course. Laser pistols haven’t been invented... or have they?] #Areumdawo sarangseureowo# #Geurae neo hey geurae baro neo hey# [A quick cut away to the commentary booth shows Slush up on his feet and doing the horse dance. Meanwhile, Pinhead has his head buried in shame.] #Areumdawo sarangseureowo# #Geurae neo hey geurae baro neo hey# #Jigeumbuteo gal dekkaji gabolkka# [In case you’re wanting to know what the lyrics say, I don’t know. They’re the Romanized version of Korean. And I don’t speak Korean.] #Oppan gangnamseutail# #Gangnamseutail# [All the various groups (Mounties, dancers, yellow suit dudes, marching bands) all circle around the Three Tremors as they since and dance to the chorus. The Styx crowd is of course singing along. It’s not just the chorus, they’re singing the lyrics. I wouldn’t put it past a Styx crowd to speak Korean.] #Oppan gangnamseutail# #Gangnamseutail# [Perhaps its decidedly... North Korean... hmmm. Still, the singing and dancing builds as all groups start to sync up.] #Oppan gangnamseutail# #Eh- Sexy Lady# #Oppan gangnamseutail# [As the performance comes to its end, all groups, singers and dancers alike bow and point (with jazz hands) to the main platform that sits on one side of the stadium. And the sexy lady in question that the song kept referring to...] PA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME YOUR QUEEN... ...HER MAJESTY HOLLY HOTBODY! [After a moment to take a collective breath and sit to rest from the dancing, the crowd jump back up to their feet and cheer, oozing adoration and love for the beautiful Queen Holly Hotbody. She walks from her private entrance and approaches a podium adorned with a multitude of microphones. You know that wacky Styx media. They need to get word first. Holly basks in the cheers, as she is want to do. And when there is a moment, she speaks.] Holly: My loyal subjects of Styx, please welcome the delegations. Even though they may lose to the Hand of Doom in these Olympics, please let them know that their effort is aknowledged. [Holly blows the crowd a kiss as generic techno music starts to pump through the PA system.] RB: What a glorious opening musical number befitting our Queen. Pinhead: How much money did you people waste on those giant ass bears? Fiend Machine: Lets just say that there will be quite a large number of children in Styx who will need to be home schooled. Slush: So can we leave yet? Fiend Machine: We’re about to see the procession of delegations. So...no. [As the performers are shuffled off to God knows where outside the stadium, multiple spotlights shine upon a large entrance at the very end of the Stadium. To look at it, you would think its a giant maw of a grizzly bear. Given the name of the stadium, you shouldn’t be surprised. Smoke begins to pour from the mouth. One could assume its fake... but you never know in Styx. And then come the delegations...] Slush: So who’s first? RB: We’re going by alphabetical order. Slush: That... doesn’t help me. ---------------------------------------------------------------- ALL STAR LUCHA LIBRE ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: South of the border, down Mexico way. El Martinete (tombstone piledriver) equals doom. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the first delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. Leading the way and waving the flag of All Star Lucha Libre is Margarita Ramos. Behind her are Omar Oscavedo Martinez, El Oso Volador Jr, Mini-Masked Maniac (the ASLL Minis Champion), El Monito, Lil' Booger, Slasher Gomez, Dino Takada, Rico Caliente, La Cucaracha (the International Fighting Champion) and Skateboard.. carrying his boss, Radical Skater, on his back. Dressed in green, red and white colored jumpsuits with the ASLL logo on the back, they march proudly in the procession.] Slush: They’re so tiny! Are they collectable? Please tell me they’re collectable. Pinhead: I know you have a... passion for little people... but please don’t belittle them. Slush: “Belittle”. Really Pinhead? Really? Pinhead: What? Slush: You’re such a racist. ---------------------------------------------------------------- AMERICAN WRESTLING ASSOCIATION ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: The only member of the AWA team to have won a televised match is Sultan Azam Sharif... who has rarely ever lost a televised match. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [Emerging from the entranceway next is a man clad in a red, white, and green tracksuit. He's wearing a white kaffiyeh and black agal, and is pretty clearly Sultan Azam Sharif. He proudly waves his team's flag... no, wait, that is the Iranian flag.] Pinhead: Did someone not get the memo? RB: We here in Styx respect all nationalities and their freedom of speech. Pinhead: Funny, I don’t remember it being that way in Wyoming. Slush: Let the man fly his Iranian flag. I like the cut of his jib. Pinhead: Do you know what a jib is? [Behind Sharif, in a matching tracksuit which has blue in place of green and an AWA logo patch on the chest, is Chris Choisnet, bearing an actual AWA logo flag. The young man with short brown hair is looking down, as if somewhat embarrassed to be here. The rest of the AWA contingent, also in the red-white-and-blue tracksuits follows: James Reed, powerwalking with his head waggling back and forth like he a) is overly proud of himself or b) has a Slinky where most people have cervical vertebrae. Lee Harrigan, walking with his arms straight up in the air and occasionally stopping to flex his large (though not cut) muscles. Madhouse McWesson, who is "marching" on his Harley-Davidson, and who has put his leather vest over his tracksuit (and that doesn't fit as his gut is hanging out). Matt Ginn, a tall man walking with his nose up in the air and a semi-disgusted expression. Mark Hoefner, who is turning around constantly to see who is behind them. And in the back, Kyle Houlder, who is smirking about something or other. Probably because, as the group gets about three-quarters of the way around, the others start to itch... and itch... all except Sharif, who refuses to stop waving his flag for such a thing. Everyone turns and glares at Kyle... who starts pretending to itch too. But when they turn back around, he stops and laughs again.] Fiend Machine: Huh... interesting. Pinhead: What? Fiend Machine: According to this, the AWA is based out of Dallas. Pinhead: Since when exactly? Fiend Machine: Since 2008. Slush: Right when the MBC got banned from Dallas! I smell conspiracy. Pinhead: I think the MBC getting banned had more to do with Vengeance setting parts of downtown on fire with a rogue boflex. But if you want to go off on conspiracy theories, knock yourself out. Slush: I can and will. Just because David Carradine forgot his lemon wedge, doesn’t mean I will. ---------------------------------------------------------------- THE BASTARD UNDERGROUND ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: In the Underground, the Hat is life! The Hat is everything! ---------------------------------------------------------------- [Next from the maw of the beast comes a trio of familiar faces to the very pro Hand of Doom crowd. All three members of this trinity are in fact former members of the Hand of Doom and oh how the crowd knows it. Leading the group and waving the flag of the Underground is Felicity Malone. She wears the fabled MBC Thighmaster on a chain around her neck, just as it was back in the day. Behind her is the tandem known as The Beauty and the Beast: Georgia Church and Brawn Stevenson. Though Malone may not have a true association with the other two, they still share a common goal of showing that they don’t need the Hand to succeed. The boo’s of the crowd only inspires them.] Fiend Machine: The Bastard Underground is mobile but they hold most of their shows in New Orleans. In fact... RB: Their presence here is deplorable. I don’t know how they could be allowed to participate. Pinhead: Didn’t you say that things had changed in Styx? RB: Careful! You are of the Unclean yourself! Slush: You do kind of smell Pinhead. You do. ---------------------------------------------------------------- BEAUTY ANGELS JAPAN ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: BAJ is one of the top women’s wrestling promotions in Japan, advertising “the strongest women in the world” ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the next delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. Leading the way and waving the flag of Beauty Angels Japan is Suki Hamada. Suki is a husky, young lass, clad in a white, BAJ T-shirt and pink track pants, completing the look with tennis shoes. Her dark hair is a mass of wild curls, falling past her shoulders. She marches forward, expression stony. Behind her is a smiling Yui Minami, also clad in the white shirt/pink track pants combo. Minami is slender, black hair falling down her back as she waves out. Next up is the blonde Mika Kato, wearing the same clothes as the other two women. Kato’s expression is surly and her arms folded across her chest, clearly plotting someone’s murder. Bringing up the rear is Naima Ito, long brown hair draped over her shoulder and also wearing the same attire as her comrades. Ito sashays along as if it is her own personal runway, seemingly oblivious to everyone else. The four women march proudly in the procession.] Slush: Correct me if I’m wrong... Pinhead: I don’t think there will be an “if” but go ahead. Slush: But we sure do have a lot of Asian imports in wrestling lately. Pinhead: Wrestling is very much an international sport. Fiend Machine: I’ve seen some of these women wrestle. They’re quite good. Slush: Who cares about the wrestling? They will be my brides! Fiend Machine: Which one? Slush: ALL OF THEM! ---------------------------------------------------------------- CHURCH OF BASTARDISM ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: The Church of Bastardism is the fastest growing religion in both Ohio and the Seychelles. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [Next through the entrance comes a delegation one may not expect. Leading the way and not-so much waving as fluttering the flag of the Church of Bastardism is Trice. Behind the rooster are singing sensation Amber Rogers and MBC's Grandmaster Typo Champion Reverend "Hentai" Ryu Osawa. The unlikely duo march proudly in the procession, though Ryu has to keep ushering Amber along as she keeps lingering over her "adoring fans".] Slush: No! Amber! She’s with the perv! Pinhead: I wouldn’t put it like that... but this is unusual. Fiend Machine: Rogers not religious? Pinhead: Well... I don’t think God has anything to do with her singing. Still, her being with Ryu is downright strange. RB: Nothing illegal about it. Pinhead: I didn’t say there was. RB: Just saying. I _am_ the sheriff. ---------------------------------------------------------------- DELANEY'S EXTREME RASSLIN' PROMOTION ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: DERPs inspiration lies in the wonders of 'South Park' ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the next delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. ONO HEZONFAIA steps out from behind the smoke, waving a black and yellow towel with the words "DERP" painted across it on a stick in one hand and a classic Terrible Towel stained with beer and grease! Yes that's our flag, screw you if you don't like it SIR!!! Next to come out is team captain Ryan [MEEP]IN' Delaney. Behind him we see six feet, ten inches tall and three hundred and fifty pounds of Bad Mother [MEEP]er himself, Big Mike Foyer, with short, spiked brown hair and trimmed muttonstache. To the left of BMF, is the Street Samurai, Spade, with long slicked back dark brown hair and a stache-less goatee. We find Mr. HEZONFAIA decked out in a white trunks 'n boots, gold accents and pads.] OH: EXXXX TUREEEEEEMME!" Slush: Wow, they’re an excitable bunch. [Big Mike Foyer is in a short legged, black and red marble pattern wrestling doublet, a massive bulldog's head with the bloody letters BMF etched across it's forehead, heavy knee pads, folded cowboy hat, shades, wrestling boots, and wrist bands. The Street Samurai sports black wrestling pants with flames in several shades of blue on one leg, white tribal designs running down the other with the word "Street Samurai" emblazoned in black outlined white letters. A single blue elbow pad on his right elbow, black padded kickboots, black hand and wrist tape, gradient blue wrap-around sunshades, and a black and yellow DERP T-Shirt. With DERP arm bands in black with bold printed letters in gold worn proudly on their arms, they march proudly in the procession.] RB: So... what is DERP exactly? Fiend Machine: DERP is a small regional federation from the Pittsburgh area Slush: Sounds like a disease I got back in my younger days... and middle days... and older days... Pinhead: Everything you hear reminds you of every disease you’ve ever gotten. Slush: I’m not unhealthy... just... experienced. ---------------------------------------------------------------- THE DEVIL’S YOU KNOW: BASTARD EDITION ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: The original DYK were the tag team of VVV & Sabbath, who took time out of their busy schedule of killing each other, to do things like set the WILD tag titles on fire on a rival promotion’s show; have ultra violent run-ins with the Hands of Death; and record 2 Girls 1 Cup reactions so graphic they’d get banned. Now it’s a stable of mercenaries moving from federation to federation. Heels for hire. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the next delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. Leading the way and waving the flag of the Devils You Know is “Simply Amazing” Spike Nelson. Trying to write his name in the air, Viper’s grandson almost nails “Jester” Chad Allen in the head. The clown isn’t laughing. Before VVV can join Spike at the front of the pack, Andrew Davis jumps in front of him. Arms raised in the air to the delight of his large fan base, Davis soaks in applause from the front of the procession. Stalking up behind the four-time SPW champion, Vile “Vince” Viper produces a five-iron from up his sleeve. Before he can assault the showboating bastard, Sabbath puts a restraining hand on his long-term tag partner’s shoulder. Not the time. The voice of reason is a walking contradiction indeed. Cursing, Vile throws the golf club into the audience. Nice souvenir for a lucky fan. Spike is having a really hard time writing his name. Oh look, Jester’s set an audience member on fire. Spike is having a hard time spelling his name. How did Sabbath let himself get talking into this? At the rear of this highly unstable group is the physically intimidating Nathan Taylor, marching along at a methodical pace. The Devils are decked out in red and black versions of their usual garbs, so at least visually; they seem to be on the same page.] Slush: Did that guy just get set on fire? Pinhead: More importantly, did he like it? Fiend Machine: It would appear so. Pinhead: I will never get used to the people of Styx. RB: Good. They don’t like your kind anyways. Pinhead: And what exactly is my kind? RB: The “kind” kind. ---------------------------------------------------------------- FIGHTING SPIRIT ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: The calories consumed by Twinkletoes Tiwilliger could power the state of Vermont for 5 years. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the next delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. Leading the way is Nico Villanova. However, the vile Venetian doesn't lower himself to do "manual labor" by carrying the flag of Fighting Spirit. No, that task belongs to the man behind him, the King of the Cruiserweights himself Twinkletoes Tiwilliger. By that massive man-mountain's side is his loyal manager Elbitz. Behind the gargantuan Twinkletoes is the nefarious King Vile, who not only isn't carrying the flag but is being carried himself, his two long suffering lackeys, Los Henchos, being forced to cart him around on their shoulders. Though the men appear to be on the same team, there is no team unity as Villanova shoots a black look of disgust back at his "fellow competitors", while Vile focuses on his personal army of henchmen and Tiwilliger seems off in his own world.] Slush: Now that dude has style! Fiend Machine: The one being carried by two clearly overworked lackeys? Slush: Yes! Empires are built on crushing the little man physically and emotionally. Pinhead: You’re halfway there. Slush: What was that? Pinhead: Nothing. ---------------------------------------------------------------- THE HOUSE OF ELYSON ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: Their house motto is “We’re Obviously Better Than You” ---------------------------------------------------------------- [And the award for ostentatious entrance clearly goes to the house of Elyson. For starters, their flag is being waved, not by a member of the delegation but one of Kathryn Elyson’s many servants. Elyson herself sits atop a plush chair being held aloft by four muscle bound, leather clad studs, their only duty to keep their mistress’s feet from touching the ground. Behind Kathryn and desensitized to his sister’s pretension is Brandon Elyson. Known to some as “The Happysayer”, he looks at the people of Styx with nothing but dismay. His menacing, buttoned up full leather overcoat amplifies his bitter mood.] Fiend Machine: Say, he doesn’t look happy. Pinhead: Well Styx turned on the House of Elyson and Vengeance to join with the Hand of Doom. RB: Never question Styx’s ability to pick a winner. Pinhead: So that’s why you were with Vengeance for so long? Slush: Where does one get so much leather? [And behind both Elyson’s and managing to flirt with every single person in the stadium are the reigning MBC Psycho Driver Tag Team Champions, Luna and Aurora Cordova. Yes, known to the world as the New...] Crowd: TMK~! TMK~! TMK~! TMK~! TMK~! TMK~! TMK~! TMK~! TMK~! Pinhead: Got to admit, I miss the originals. Slush: Quiet, they’re making love to my brain! ---------------------------------------------------------------- INDEPENDENTS ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: Going without a delegation is kind of like going commando ---------------------------------------------------------------- [Though they have no flag, this group still marches proudly from the entrance way. Some know each other, others are completely foreign. But the fact that they have chosen to come to Styx and participate in these Olympics speaks volumes. Recognizable to MBC fans the world over are Lolita Love and Jan Delgado, the former and reigning MBC World Women’s Champion respectively. Both are despised in the land of Styx for they are the sworn enemies of their Queen, Holly Hotbody.] Pinhead: So they’re not banned? RB: By Queen Holly’s mandate. She wishes for their humiliation in these games. Pinhead: Has anybody ever questioned them on why their family can’t get along? RB: I assume its a blood feud and move on. Slush: Blood feuds, totally get that. Only the second worst kind of feud. Fiend Machine: And the worst? Slush: Over pigs. Ugly mess that one is. [Behind Love and Delgado are two other women. One is familiar to MBC fans but mostly those who’ve taken in the history of the Bastard Stampede promotion. Also clothed in a MBC T-shirt, decidedly more covering than a mermaid outfit, is Kayla Livingstone. She eagerly waves to the fans. Behind Kayla yet keeping to herself is a new face to most MBC fans, though followers of women’s wrestling may know her well.] Slush: Who is that saucy little piece of cake? Fiend Machine: Melinda Rhodes, A.K.A. “The Rebel”. Says here she’s from Atlantic City Entertainment but she’s chosen to represent herself in these games. Slush: Work it sister! RB: I’ve heard from talent relations that she’s trying out for the MBC-Styx promotion. Pinhead: I’d say there are worse places to start but... Fiend Machine: We don’t have an official ACE delegation here in the Olympics, but Rhodes is actually one of three women who wrestle there. I’d say that’s good representation. Slush: Yeah, yeah, whatever. She’s hot! Pinhead: If she’s like any other woman, like _every_ woman, then she’s already got an innate bull{MEEP] detector that will have her not like you without even knowing you. Slush: The fun is in the challenge. And the kinky stuff. ---------------------------------------------------------------- INSANITY SOCIETY ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: In space, no one can hear you scream, cuss, fart, belch or grumble. But they can hear your thoughts with the assistance of Tang and tinfoil. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [The smoke machines kick off into high gear as the next delegation begins to stride through the entrance. Much like some of the other delegations, they are in uniforms. But unlike the uniforms of those other groups, these are full on Apollo style astronaut suits. Centering the line is the massive “Dark Horse” Randall Osbourne. To his left is “Thrillseeker” Tommy Elliot, and to the right Tawni Northern and Tamara “Tommy” Jackson. They all wear the same style space suit, complete with the bubble helmet under their arms. They walk with pride, they walk with purpose, and they walk behind their flag bearer, Billy “Scud” McKenzie. He waves the Insanity Society flag without a whole lot of passion, quite possibly because he doesn’t get a regular space suit like the others. He’s instead dressed like the Great Gazoo.] Pinhead: Poor, poor Scud. Slush: Can I go down there and kick him? For old times sake? Pinhead: Can’t you spare the man _some_ dignity? Slush: What dignity can there be for a man who doesn’t know the concept? Pinhead: You would know. ---------------------------------------------------------------- INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: International Incident was actually formed when it's members first met each other at a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Nobody knows if they were in costume. Nobody WANTS to know if they were in costume. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [Calm, cool and casual. No better words could describe the trio that next entered Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. With the Bastard Stampede West Texas Championship around his waist, the UWF/MBC Joint Light Heavyweight Championship slung over his left shoulder and the flagpole bearing his stable’s colors leaning on his right is Tyler Tucker, the representative for The Bastard Underground in the Bastardship of the Ring Tournament. Behind him are former Bastard Stampede Tag Team Champions and winners of gold in numerous other places, Justin Davidson and Wolf Jager.] Pinhead: And there’s another representative for the Bastardship of the Ring. Slush: So is there going to be a rep for Styx in this tournament? That’s the whole point of our stupid ass road trip right? Pinhead: Well Styx is run by the Hand of Doom which is run by Crimson who happens to be the MBC World Champion. Slush: Your point? Pinhead: I’d assume he’d be the representative. RB: Assuming we want to associate with you freaks. Pinhead: I think I can make the assumption based on the fact you kidnapped us. Slush: You know what they say about making assumptions. Pinhead: I do but I’m sure you’ll tell me anyways. Slush: No. You’re being a poopy face. ---------------------------------------------------------------- MBC-ALAMO CITY ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: The Devil went down to San Antonio and tried the Tex-Mex. It was a bit too spicy for him so he went on down to Georgia. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the next delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. Leading the way and waving the flag of MBC: Alamo City is ever energetic "Overkill" Joey Malone, He’s dressed in his usual black Motorhead T-shirt and blue jean shorts. Behind him, and possible trying to make sure that they are only associated with Malone by federation are "Up All Night" Pablo O'Connor and Stephanie Delacroix. Dressed in brown cowboy hats, boots and blue, red and white jumpsuits with a picture of the Alamo on the back of them, the two march proudly in the procession.] Pinhead: And there goes Pablo O’Connor, who is representing MBC-Alamo City in the Bastardship of the Ring Tournament. RB: Any comments about the owner of Alamo City. Slush: I’ve made my peace with the man. So should you Roy. RB: Never! Fiend Machine: Wait... why did O’Connor and Delacroix take off running to the back? Slush: Maybe its some of that Alamo City Tex-Mex. Fiend Machine: Hopefully we’ll get an answer later tonight. RB: I notice none of the Skullhead clan are with this group. Pinhead: I’m sure its a law that none of them are welcome in city limits. RB: Very perceptive of you to know that. Pinhead: Lucky guess more than anything. ---------------------------------------------------------------- MBC-LONE STAR ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: La Chupacabra stalks the rafters of Lone Star’s arena, hoping one day to challenge for the championship title. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [Next up comes a three person delegation, all dressed in blue jeans and stylish red and white polo shirts. Carrying the flag of MBC-Lone Star is “Superstar” Stephanie Harper, owner and president of Lone Star. Behind her are two monstrous men who would intimidate anyone in a dark ally. One is the self proclaimed King of Texas James Masterson. The other wears the MBC Smash Bash Crucify Championship title around his waist and will represent Lone Star in the Bastardship of the Ring Tournament. His name, quite powerfully, is Jerry “Pure Power” Titus.] Pinhead: Lots of talent in that group right there.. Slush: So is there a King of Alabama? Fiend Machine: Bear Bryant, the once and future king. Slush: Never heard of him. Did he get a sword from the Lady in the Lake? Pinhead: Fedora maybe. Slush: So Tom Landry is the Lady in the Lake? Pinhead: You’re mixing up your metaphors. Slush: Well if mixing up metaphors gets me the same fantastic results as mixing alcohol with prescription drugs, then bring it on! ---------------------------------------------------------------- PARTS UNKNOWN NATIONAL TRIBUNAL ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: One cannot find Parts Unknown. One must be taken to Parts Unknown. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [Next from the large bear looking entrance comes possibly the most unusual group of them all. Hailing from Parts Unknown, some are masked, some are face painted, some are just downright strange. But that’s perfectly all right in Parts Unknown. They don’t judge. Waving the flag for his delegation is a man known as Gordon J. Dutt. A smile stretches from ear to ear as he flaunts his team colors enthusiastically. He’s the complete opposite to the bitter visage of The Goblin Queen who stomps behind him. She sees beauty all around her and she wishes to destroy it.] Slush: I’ve seen her before. Pinhead: Yeah, in Bastard Stampede. Slush: No, that’s not it. Pinhead: Then where? Slush: Oh I’m sure in my nightmares. [Separating the Queen and her beauty crushing ways are five men, forming a living wall. Their shirts and gear reads “Parts Unknown Security” and their masks are adorned with golden stars. This is their badge of duty.] RB: I think this is the first delegation with their own security detail. Fiend Machine:: I think that’s for the benefit of the other members of the Parts Unknown delegation. Otherwise, the Goblin Queen would try to harm the women there in. [Indeed, there are other members of the team. First behind the wall of security is Amazing Grace, former MBC Psycho Driver Tag Team Champion and former Empress Cup Tournament winner. Behind her are two women, one short with dark hair and the other tall with light hair, dressed in black tights and hoodies. Their hoods are drawn up but not enough to obscure their faces, which are painted like skulls.] RB: Those two look like they stepped out of a Day of the Dead festival. Fiend Machine: According to my notes, they are La Catrina and La Sombra, known together as the Flor de Muerto. Slush: Ah, New Zealanders. Pinhead: Hardly. [And bringing up the rear are two robed figures. One is a woman, covered head to toe in red, complete with a red mask that completely hides her face. And the other is a large man in white. While he does not wear a mask, his long hair and massive beard hide his features. The rest of the delegation, even the Goblin Queen seem to keep their distance from them.] Pinhead: And who are they? Fiend Machine: The man is simply known as “The Hard Master” and the woman is “The Beautiful Master.” Slush: She wears a mask. How do we know? Fiend Machine: That’s how things work in Parts Unknown. They are acknowledged as the two most powerful individuals there. RB: Even here in Styx, they are to be respected as enemies. Pinhead: Why’s that? RB: We’re rivals in high school football. Tis a bloody war for the ages. Slush: “The Hard Master” huh? Does he do porn or something? ---------------------------------------------------------------- PERFECT GIRL EVOLUTION ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after them. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the next delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium...with vuvuzelas trumpeting their arrival! Leading the way and waving the flag of Perfect Girl Evolution, is the always stunning, Miyuki Ozaki, seated atop the shoulders of the six foot, four inch tall golden goddess...Kiyomi. Behind this magnificently assembled Voltron-like super robot of hotness are the rest of Perfect Girl Evolution: Ayako, HANA, Hitomi, Michiko, Tomoko, and Yumi. Each dressed in matching traditional Japanese shrine maiden wafukus consisting of a white kimono jacket and a long, red pleated skirt tied with a bow, they march proudly in the procession with super model precision.] Miyuki: "SHOWER US WITH YOUR WORTHLESS AND UNWANTED ADMIRATION OR DIE!!!" [The crowd enthusiastically showers Perfect Girl Evolution with their worthless and unwanted admiration as Miyuki continues to proudly wave the flag.] Fiend Machine: Can I ask a question? Pinhead: Aren’t you allowed? Or have you been kidnapped and force to work here against your will just like us? Fiend Machine: Well... that depends on what my contract looks like. RB: Just ask your question. Fiend Machine: I’m looking at the bios for the women in PGE. Why is THAT their fun fact when the team is composed of numerous super athletes, including an actual OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST? Slush: Shut up, Kiyomi is hot. |
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Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro. You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned. | |
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| MBCKyle | Oct 5 2012, 04:37 PM Post #2 |
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
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---------------------------------------------------------------- PHOENIX VALLEY WRESTLING ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: The hottest woman in the fed is Chip Lester's wife. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the next group. Leading the way and waving the flag of Phoenix Valley Wrestling is Max Weinrib. Behind him is his tag team partner, Salih Mubarak. Dressed as an Orthordox Jewish rabbi and Arabian Sheik, respectively, they march proudly in the procession. It's not until they are halfway through the procession that anyone notices they are both wearing beach sandals.] Slush: So... is there sand in Styx? RB: Only the finest made of the bones of our enemies. Pinhead: That’s... refreshing.... I guess? Slush: And answer me this. Where are the redheads? Fiend Machine: Come again? Slush: Isn’t the Phoenix always a redhead? Pinhead: Wrong Phoenix. Slush: Oh so its a... LIKE A PHOENIX, VERY PHOENIX LIKE sort of thing? Pinhead: Please stop yelling. Slush: LIKE A PHOENIX! ---------------------------------------------------------------- SCORCHED EARTH ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: Kirk Houston’s Frontier Union Championship has been certified as the official championship of the Parts Unknown National Tribunal. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [One could comment about the fashion of these Opening Ceremonies but the people of Styx don’t often take to fashion critics. Frequently, said critics are run out of town or set afloat on an ice drift. Styxians spare no expense in their cruel and unusual punishments. But if such a critic were to be allowed his or her American right to freedom of speech he would comment on the finely tailored suits that the four members of Scorched Earth are wearing: charcoal black jacket and slacks, burnt orange shirt and black tie. The masked man known as The Shifter leads the way for his group, carrying their flag. Directly behind him is his leader and reigning Bastard Stampede Frontier Union “The Burning Man” Kirk Houston. To his right is Jefferson “Sky Slasher” McKeid and the ever beautiful Black Madison.] Slush: More Bastard Stampede jokers. Shouldn’t they die when people stop clapping? Pinhead: You’re thinking of fairies. Slush: Hey, I’m not making any kind of statement on orientation here. Pinhead: [Sighs] RB: My father, Judge Mortimer “Steel” Beam always said you should respect a man in a finely tailored suit. Fiend Machine: Why’s that? RB: Because either that man had the power and resources to earn it or the power and ruthlessness to shank the man who earned it. ---------------------------------------------------------------- SEVEN SEAS WRESTLING ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: For six weeks during the summer of 1973, both Richard and Bobby Beaumont dated Raquel Welch -- at the same time. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the next delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. Out comes the flag of Seven Seas Wrestling, but fighting over who gets to actually carry it are a bickering Richard and Bobby Beaumont. Behind them is their nephew Tony Beaumont, looking extremely embarrassed.] Pinhead: How did these clowns make it to the mainland? Slush: They’re Aquapeople. Pinhead: I’m sure there’s a better explanation. Slush: Good luck hoping that God will give you one. ---------------------------------------------------------------- SOCKTOPOLIS NOW! ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: These guys were all actually paid to wrestle at some point in their careers! ---------------------------------------------------------------- [The next delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium marches through the entrance and gets more than a few odd looks. Leading the way and waving the flag of SOCKTOPOLIS NOW are Roger "The Squirrel Boy" Paneguia and "The Mighty Wombat" Doug Squib. Behind them are Q-Ball and Dr. Socktopolis, Blake Rogers, The King, The MAN and Thomas Adoyo. Dressed in horrifically stifling gray, 100% wool body suits, they trudge down the procession.] Fiend Machine: SOCK PUPPET! RB: Simmer down son, you’ll scare the children. Slush: I thought you were the one afraid of sock puppets. Pinhead: Eh, it was more sock monkeys really. I’m over it. Fiend Machine: How’d you get over it? Pinhead: A little more, day after day, I died a little inside. Eventually I stopped caring about anything. Slush: Wow, you sound suicidal. Pinhead: Don’t tell me you care? Slush: No, not really. Just making a statement. ---------------------------------------------------------------- TRINITY (UWF) ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: The Trinity are the best women in wrestling today -- period. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [From the gateway comes the next delegation to enter Grizzly Bryant War Memorial Stadium. Leading the way and waving the flag for Trinity is a smirking Scottie Saratoga. Behind her are Taylor MacKenzie and UWF Women's Heavyweight Champion "The All-Around Athlete" Laura Davis. With matching smiles of pure arrogance, they march proudly in the procession.] Fiend Machine: Looks like Scottie Saratoga is videotaping the Olympic Experience with her iPhone. Pinhead: Or she’s gathering evidence of crimes against humanity. Slush: Would she do that? Pinhead: Maybe if it got her some recognition. Slush: Are lesbians allowed to win Nobel Peace Prizes? Pinhead: Sure they are. Just as much as they are allowed to beat you within an inch of your life. Slush: That’s can’t be legal. RB: Oh, it is in Styx. Pinhead: I’ll be damned. There’s justice in Styx after all. ---------------------------------------------------------------- UNIVERSAL WRESTLING FEDERATION ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: Pride brand toasters are still the top seller in the Canadian provinces of Ontario and Manitoba. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [The sole representative of the UWF comes through the entrance. Though she is lonely in this task of carrying her delegation’s flag, Tesla St. James is not alone. Her compatriots watch and send their support. The redhead knows this, feels it, and epitomizes this.] Pinhead: Haven’t seen her in a long time. Slush: If she’s here, then is... RB: No, he too is banned. Pinhead: Do you have your own most wanted list, filled with MBC folk? RB: Completely. [Running through the entrance and catching up to Tesla are two of her fellow UWF competitors. They wear matching track suits of red and white, the Canadian flag printed boldly on the back. They have to the crowd, ignoring the odd look they receive from Tesla. Could it be the fact they’re wearing Groucho Marx style fake mustaches, noses and glasses?] Pinhead: Why are Pablo O’Conner and Stephanie Delacroix out with the UWF. They’re already a part of the MBC-Alamo City delegation. Fiend Machine: I have them listed here as “Ron Mexico” and “Cicily Tyson.” Slush: Man, I love her movies. Pinhead: Those are obviously fake names. RB: It’s out of my hands. Pinhead: You’re the damn sheriff. RB: Exactly. I don’t handle name changes. If thats what they want to do, then that’s up to them. ---------------------------------------------------------------- THE HAND OF DOOM ---------------------------------------------------------------- FUN FACT: All facts about the Hand of Doom are fun. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [And as Olympic tradition dictates and/or demands, the host delegation comes out last. Of course, they are the largest. Of course they are the most visual. Flanked by druids in red robes, the Hand of Doom delegation marches into the War Memorial Stadium dressed in similarly colored red and black uniforms. At the front and waving the Hand of Doom banner with pride is Kiora Donavon. Around her waist is a championship belt of some kind but it is digitally blurred out, presumably due to legal issues.] Slush: What’s that? Fiend Machine: Best not to talk about it. Its a touchy subject. [Behind Kiora are members of her family and associates of the Hand. First among them is her father Seamus Donavon. On either side of him are her brothers, Liam and Cormac. Behind them are two Hand of Doom stalwarts Harley Sanders and Johanna Suprema. And though she is not with them, Hand of Doom member Holly Hotbody watches from her nest and applauds her fellow team members. Conspicuously absent is Hand of Doom leader Crimson.] Slush: So where is the red bastard? RB: He is all around. He watches. He listens. He _knows._ Slush: Yeah... that’s kinda creppy. Fiend Machine: As are all those druids. Pinhead: Are they all going to participate? Fiend Machine: Not sure but I wouldn’t rule it out. The Hand of Doom has always liked to play the numbers game. [As the last delegation, and arguably the most important to Styx psyche, takes its place amongst the others, that bad techno entrance theme fades away. Bodies settle and for the first time, many notice that the area the Hand of Doom group sits on is just a little higher than everyone else. Whether on purpose or not, that may be where the bodies are buried.] PA: Ladies and gentlemen... THE OLYMPIC FLAME THROWER!!! Pinhead: Flame thrower? RB: Torches are so low tech. [From the entrance way comes a man dressed in a red and black uniform. Upon his back sits what you can assume to be the flame thrower. He dashes to centerfield and waits. Formerly, there was a platform that the Three Tremors stood upon as they sang. But now that has been removed. A large panel is there in its stead, and through it raises a large setup for a bonfire.] But the flame thrower waits.] Pinhead: Haven’t people in this town realized they don’t do so hot with fire? PA: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand for your Queen. [And they do, every single citizen of Styx. Every delegate. Everybody within earshot of the PA system. Holly Hotbody, Queen of all she surveys, approach the podium and after giving a royal wave to acknowledge the applause, whistles and marriage proposals, she speaks.] HH: To the athletes of these assembled delegations, I cannot promise you that you will leave Styx unharmed. The Olympic games are a test like no other. Honestly, I cannot promise you that you will leave Styx at all. But know that your determination will not go unnoticed. If nothing else, you will receive an “E for effort.” Rest well tonight. Eat. Drink. [MEEP]. Party till late into the night. But be prepared for tomorrow. For tonight, I declare these Olympic Games OPEN! [Fireworks suddenly go off all around the stadium and with a wave of Holly’s hand, the one with the flame thrower lights the bonfire aflame. Up it goes as does the uproar of the crowd. The delegates cheer as the games and partying officially begins. The mighty flame of the bonfire generates an incredible amount of heat.] Fiend Machine: And these games are officially under way. Pinhead: God help us. [A little wind picks up, blowing the fire towards the man with the flame thrower. His suit catches on fire.] Pinhead: Oh no! Somebody get that man some help@ RB: That may be hard... that’s the Styx Fire Chief. Slush: Doesn’t he have underlings? Or dalmations? RB: I believe he gave his men the night off. Pinhead: So an arsonist could ran rampant in this town? RB: Arson isn’t a worry. A twenty dollar fine keeps would be firebugs at bay. Pinhead: But I assume littering is still punishable by flogging. RB: Or time in the iron maiden. Slush: An iron maiden? Really? RB: Bruce Dickinson owed us a favor. Fiend Machine: This concludes the first night of coverage. Join us tomorrow as we bring the opening round of “Tests of Sobriety.” [As the cameras focus on the burning of the bonfire and the man who lit it, we fade to sweet merciful black.] |
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Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro. You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned. | |
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| Overly_Critical_Jue | Oct 8 2012, 12:44 PM Post #3 |
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Amigo, I ain't anybody but Juan Vasquez!
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7:19 PM Jul 10