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| Olympics Day 6 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 6 2012, 05:21 PM (139 Views) | |
| MBCKyle | Nov 6 2012, 05:21 PM Post #1 |
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
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[The scene opens to the interior of what can only be described as an arboretum. There are stone walls, but they are covered with and covered by thick vegetation. Nearly every square inch of wall and ground is smothered in green. Frosted glass of various hues hangs above, letting in eerie light and a stark red path of brick marks where the brave may tread. The door to this quiet place of fauna opens and through it spill two men.] Slush: Damn you ninjas! Damn you! Pinhead: I’m getting tired of being grabbed and tossed around. [Yes, our intrepid commentators have once again been “summoned” by the stealthy, ninja like agents of the Hand of Doom. But why have they been brought to this peaceful garden? Who is to say? But the doors shut behind them and an audible clicking sound echoes within the chamber.] Pinhead: Have I blamed you for this lately? Slush: Me? This is all you [MEEP]hole. You and that book. Pinhead: Shut up. Let's just try and get whatever this is over with. [The two follow the path of bricks further into the overgrown arboretum, with Pinhead in the lead. The path leads them to a narrow pass through a stone wall. After a moment's hesitation, Pinhead and Slush squeeze through. They stop dead, and we see what they see: they've walked into a round room in the arboretum, mostly pitch black but for one ray of sunlight streaming in on a statue. The statue is recognizably Crimson, in a suit, leaning forward to peer down at the two commentators.] Slush: I'm not having sex with that statue. Pinhead: ...No one asked you to. Look, there's a plaque... Slush: What's it say? [Slush and Pinhead both approach the statue and lean down to read the plaque. Pinhead reads.] Pinhead: "Sculpted by Pablo La Venganza, Erected--" Slush: Penis joke. Pinhead: "August 8, 1908." That doesn't make any sense. Voice: No, it doesn't. [Both Pinhead and Slush jump back in surprise and look around. Across the room, a dim figure steps out from the shadows. The figure is a man dressed in a ratty hooded robe of a faded red color. He remains just on the edge of light, so all that can be seen of his features is a mouth and a shaggy beard -- the rest of his face is swallowed by shadow. His voice is as ragged as his appearance.] Voice: The statue is real and authentic. It came here from Styx, Wyoming. I brought it here. Slush: That's a great story. Can we go now? Voice: Not until I get what I want. Slush: I told you, I am not having sex with -- [The man reaches up and drops his hood and reveals -- though it's hard to see for a moment -- that he is in fact Crimson, looking as if he's aged decades in the past few years. He is pale as a ghost, disheveled and the light in his eyes is not all the way sane.] Crimson: The book is everything, Pinhead. Silence your yapping dog and give me what I want, and you can go. [Pinhead simply rolls his eyes, being asked for the book yet again.] Pinhead: I already told your puppet queen Holly that I wasn’t going to give you the book. I know the Hand of Doom is hell bent on power... Crimson: Power? I've won enough gold in this league to sink a boat. Power I have. Power I can take. I want the book for the information it holds about other... things... [Crimson's posture changes for a moment, becoming somehow weaker before he straightens up again with pride.] Pinhead: That’s a new one. Mind telling me for what? Crimson: The statue. It is completely legitimate. It is also impossible. It predicted me, in a place and time, and thus predicted the movements of everyone in the MBC and indeed the world for a century. A century! That book MUST have information on this Pablo La Venganza. It must. And I need it. I must know what he knows, and find out how he knew it. Pinhead: That’s nice and all. You’re obviously torn up over this... being all... Castaway Tom Hanks... Slush: I miss that volley ball... Pinhead: But just like everyone else, I’m not giving you the book. Crimson: I know you CAN'T give it to me. Not right now. I know it's not ON you or else... believe me... I wouldn't be standing here asking you for it like the rest of the trash. I must know where it is. Then you can walk away and I can have what I want. Pinhead: And what you want is probably something dangerous. That’s why the book is someplace safe. [Crimson steps forward, getting louder and more unhinged as he talks.] Crimson: No place is safe! I must have it! Don't you understand? This isn't about some Bastardship of the Ring. This is about EVERYTHING. About a sculptor who saw me. And made me. Why? Why did he pick me? Why did he single me out? I MUST KNOW! Pinhead: I think you’re missing the bigger problem. The people from Styx are nuts and its quite clear from this statue that it’s been that way for over one hundred years. The best thing to do is to forget it and let everybody go home peacefully like they want... Crimson: I could care less what the rest of the MBC wants! Do you care what the ants crawling through their tunnels underfoot dream about? Aspire to? No! I could care less about them! THEY ARE BENEATH ME! Pinhead: I’m starting to think that Vengeance may not have started out so bad. Maybe even sane. But slowly this place corrupted him. Now, let’s face it. I've always known you to be the dark mastermind type but this is Vengeance level crazy. Crimson DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF TRIVIALITIES! THERE IS NO TRUTH BUT THE STATUE! Pinhead: The fact remains, you’re not getting the book. And if I can’t unite the territories of the MBC, then something “bad” is going to happen. For all I know, you’re that something “bad.” Slush: Bad wolf? Pinhead: So do whatever. Crimson: I will wait. As this statue demonstrates, I can always wait. And endure. And witness the submission of everyone -- EVERYTHING -- to the Hand of Doom. [Crimson snaps his fingers and from the shadows, dark clad agents reappear.] Slush: Man, I really need to learn to be a ninja. Crimson: Leave me. I will take you again, when the time comes. [And likely the end there... or is it?] ===================================== 2012 BASTARD OLYMPICS ===================================== DAY SIX- TESTS OF PATIENCE ===================================== [Do I really need to say it again? I suppose I do. I mean, we go so long between parts of this damned show. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. And then I remember. It’s the money. Totally the money.] RB: Seeing that statue gives me chills. Fiend Machine: You’ve seen it? In person? RB: I supervised its movement into that arboretum. Fiend Machine: Seeing Crimson in person gives me chills. That man just as an aura about him. RB: He can crush you... with his mind. [Back again we are to the Olympic Control Center. As you may have noticed, Slush and Pinhead are absent but again, they’re busy with being kidnapped by ninjas. Here though, are the other two regulars: James “Fiend Machine” Tempo and Sheriff Roy Beam.] Fiend Machine: Today we enter the sixth day of the Third Bastard Olympiad. We commence with the section called Tests of Patience. RB: As if the Olympics so far haven’t tested everyone’s patience, we have to go through more of these... events. Fiend Machine: It’s almost over, I assure you. RB: Your mouth oozes the lies of a snake oil salesman. [Fade in.] [Standing before a huge “Beauty Angels Japan” banner are the members of Team BAJ themselves. First, is the ever smiling and super tough Yui Minami. Second is the personification of anger and aggression herself, Mika Kato, surly expression on her face and arms folded across her chest. Next is the “Supermodel Princess” Naima Ito, filing her nails with a nonchalant pout, hair draped over her shoulder. The three women stand next to one another, shoulder to shoulder, as team captain, Suki Hamada, burly and strong, paces back and forth in front of them. All four women wear white, BAJ T-shirts, pink track pants, and tennis shoes.] Suki: This is it, ladies. Our chance to show the prominence and dominance of joshi’s finest! [She suddenly stops her pacing and turns to face them with a dramatic flourish.] Suki: Are you ready!?! Yui: [smiles brightly and salutes] I’m with you, Su-chan! All of the way! Suki: [smiles] I knew I could count on you, my friend! Kato? Mika: Just tell me whose [Meep] I’ve gotta kick! Suki: [nods] Excellent. [frowns] And Ito? [Naima responds with a sigh and roll of her eyes, continuing to file her perfectly manicured nails.] Suki: [waves her hand] We are here to do BAJ proud and will settle for nothing but excellence. They may not know the name now. But, before this day is done, they will all bear witness to our greatness! Team BAJ!!!! Yui and Mika: [in unison] Team BAJ!!!! [The three women whoop and holler as Naima, obviously too hot and stylish for such behaviors, merely feigns a yawn.] Suki: Excellent, ladies. Now, [pause] Battle Pose! [Immediately, all four women strike poses, facing the camera. Minami smiles, one hand on her hip and the other flashing a peace sign, as Hamada raises her fists with a steely glare. Kato crouches down, teeth bared and claws at the ready, as Ito tosses her hair, places both hands on her hips and flashes her trademark "smize", the scene fading to black.] ------------------------------------------------------------- DODGE BALL (TEAM EVENT FOR 2012) ------------------------------------------------------------- Fiend Machine: Now in the past, Dodge Ball had been a singles event. How exactly they did that, I don’t know. But it’s been switched to a team event. RB: As it was meant to be done by the devils who hand crafted this magnificent game. Fiend Machine: Oh, a fan of the game? RB: It’s a game that teaches children that might is right and that if you’re too fat or too slow, you’re going to get hit with balls in the face. It’s the elementary school equivalent of tea bagging and I love it. Fiend Machine: Yes, well not every delegation had enough players to qualify and thanks to some negotiations, a few team ups were made so that we could properly fill a sixteen team bracket. Of course, that doesn’t mean that every combined team got along. [Max and Sal from PVW are shown talking to their “teammates” Scottie Saratoga, Taylor MacKenzie and Laura Davis from Trinity. Well, more like talking “at” since Trinity isn’t too pleased with who they are teamed with. And with this dysfunction the Fighting Spirit team of Twinkletoes Tiwilliger, Nico Villanova, King Vile and Los Henchos makes easy work of them.] RB: I’d think Twinkletoes would be easy to eliminate but... he was so light on his feet. Fiend Machine: Team Fighting Spirit moved on to the second round where they took on Team PGE. In PGE’s opening round match against Team Socktopolis NOW! they showed just how much of a well-oiled machine they were. Almost instinctively, the ladies of Perfect Girl Evolution blocked and dodged for their captain Miyuki Ozaki. [Miyuki is shown holding a ball and yawning as her subordinates dive in front of balls meant for her. With Q-Ball left as the last of his delegation, Miyuki waves her ladies off so that she has the privilege of the final elimination.] Fiend Machine: And in the second round, Team Fighting Spirit utilized that devotion against Team PGE, targeting nobody BUT Miyuki. With the other girls constantly sacrificing themselves, they were unable to properly go on the offensive. Team Fighting Spirit heads into tomorrow’s third round. RB: I suspect something fishy there. That Yumi... something about her... Fiend Machine: The next opening round saw a combined effort from the Church of Bastardism and Seven Seas Wrestling defeat PUNT, who were definitely not on the same page. [The Hard Master watches emotionless and The Beautiful Master watches from behind her mask as security has to separate The Goblin Queen from Amazing Grace, La Sombra and La Catrina.] Fiend Machine: Amber Rogers, Ryu Osawa and all three Beaumonts didn’t have to work that closely with one another but they did just enough to face the winner of the next opening round. [In a spirited round of competition, Team Insanity Society, comprised of Randall Osbourne, Tawni Northern, Tommy Elliot, Billy McKenzie and Tommy Jackson go toe to toe with the Independent/UWF team made up of Kayla Livingstone, Jan Delgado, Melinda Rhoades, Tesla St. James and Lolita Love. The women clearly have the advantage of speed and agility. Osbourne is the first to go given that he is the biggest target. But they clearly have trouble with Billy McKenzie.] RB: Scud there is the perfect example of survival of the fittest. Fiend Machine: Really? Scud? You’re talking about Scud right? RB: After years of playing dodgeball while growing up and being the scrawny kid, he was the natural ultimate target that the bullies picked on. So Scud honed his skills at dodging and became near untouchable. Fiend Machine: Until he tripped on his own shoelaces... [Scud is ultimately taken down after tripping his Nikes, five balls hitting him like a machine gun in the face.] Fiend Machine: And in the second round, those gaudy neon colored T-shirts that the Beaumont Brothers wore provided enough glare to throw off the ladies of Team Independent/UWF. Team CoB/SSW moves on to tomorrow’s third round and will face Team Fighting Spirit. RB: That will be a truly ugly affair. I won’t even be able to look at it since it’s so ugly. Fiend Machine: The other side of the bracket kicked off with Team ASLL taking on the combined team of the Hand of Doom and International Incident. [Ever see the movie Platoon?. Just picture Willem Dafoe running to the helicopter, screaming as explosions go off all around him. Now instead of Dafoe, picture Omar Oscavedo Martinez standing at the center of his side of the court. He screams as he deflects balls away from himself. Instead of explosions, picture the midget wrestlers that comprise his team... I’m sorry... the minis... being taken out one by one. Decrying that all before him were sissies, Omar drops to his knees, throws his hands in the air and meets a glorious dodgeball death worthy of Oliver Stone’s best.] RB: Loved that movie. Reminded me of my Bar Mitzvah. Fiend Machine: I wasn’t aware you were Jewish. RB: Neither was I till someone threw me a surprise briss. Fiend Machine: … [Tempo is left speechless but viewers don’t need description to see the next battle between Team DERP and Team Scorched Earth. Scorched Earth, while working well as a team, can’t help but talk trash to certain members of Team PUNT in the gallery. The Hard Master in particular stands silent in the bleachers, staring a hole into the soul of Kirk Houston and company. Ultimately, one may never know it’s true effect on Scorched Earth but one does know that DERP comes out with the win.] Fiend Machine: Moving on... DERP faces off against Team HoD/II but the synchronicity between Kiora Donavon, Harley Sanders, Tyler Tucker, Wolf Jager and Justin Davidson proved too much. RB: Viva La HOD. Fiend Machine: The most thrown together team in the Dodgeball tournament was comprised of the Bastard Underground’s Felicity Malone and Brawn Stevenson with Pablo O’Connor from MBC-Alamo City and Jerry Titus and James Masterson from MBC-Lone Star. Try as she might, Felicity Malone couldn’t get Titus and O’Connor to cooperate and a substitution of Titus for Stephanie Harper mid game couldn’t keep Team AWA from tearing them apart. RB: And now you know why Malone and Stevenson were disposed of by the Hand. Fiend Machine: I’m not sure that’s how it worked. RB: It is today. Fiend Machine: Sure. [Clears throat] And in the last first round match, the ladies from Team BAJ stunned the boys from Team Devils You Know: Bastard Edition. Probably wasn’t a good idea for Vince Viper to substitute the ten year old Pong champion for himself again. RB: Especially after a long night of drinking. I suppose some of my officers should have checked for ID’s. Fiend Machine: In the second round match, Team AWA and Team BAJ had the longest and most grueling of all the matches. Unfortunately for Team AWA, they were still a bit hungover, enough so that Team BAJ won out on stamina alone. And apparently, somebody broke out the itching powder again. RB: So where does that leave us for tomorrow’s third round? Fiend Machine: Team Church of Bastardism/Seven Seas Wrestling goes up against Team Fighting Spirit while Team BAJ faces off against Team Hand of Doom/International Incident. Winners face off in the Gold Medal game while the losers face off for the bronze. RB: I’m exhausted from watching all those highlights. Fiend Machine: I also think you’re a bit hungover. Or possibly drunk. RB: A little hair of the dog puts me in the mood for justice. [Pause] RB: And gardening. Fiend Machine: After a long morning of dodgeball, the Olympians broke for lunch and returned for the next major team event, Kill the Guy with the Ball. RB: I understand that some people don’t understand what this game is? Fiend Machine: It goes by a different name in less politically correct circles. RB: Squish the Bitch? Fiend Machine: For our purposes, that’s it exactly. RB: Excellent. Fiend Machine: A large vacant lot is hosed down with water until the mud is thick and disgusting. Four teams enter said field and fight for a football that’s tossed into the middle. The scoring is simple. Get the ball and get to one end of the field for a point. Then try and get to the other side of the field without getting killed for another point. RB: Reminds me of that old electronic football game we used to play as kids. The one with little plastic men and vibrated. Fiend Machine: The team with the most points at the end of an hour or in some cases, the team that’s left standing wins. RB: I put my face on that game once. It was heaven. ------------------------------------------------------------- KILL THE GUY WITH THE BALL (TEAM EVENT FOR 2012) ------------------------------------------------------------- Fiend Machine: As was the case with Dodgeball, some of the smaller delegations joined forces in order to properly fill out a sixteen team bracket. But in the case of Kill the Guy with the Ball, the sixteen teams are divided into four groups of four. RB: Culling the herd really. Fiend Machine: The first grouping put Sokctopolis NOW!, the Insanity Society, Team Hand of Doom/International Incident and Scorched Earth against one another. Socktopolis NOW! got the ball early and put up some points but the pure violence of the other three groups put the ball in the air mid game, making it truly anyone’s to win.. [Kiora Donavon is seen teaming with Black Madison of Scorched Earth to take out both legs of Q-Ball. Both the ball and Doctor Socktopolis go flying in the air. The ball lands in hands of Wolf Jager while Socktopolis lands in the hands of Billy McKenzie... ...for a moment both their eyes glow red with evil.] RB: I know that look... it’s never good! Scud is the Forsaken One, he who has fallen from God’s chosen right hand! [Then Scud gets tackled by The MAN. Q-Ball takes Socktopolis and leaves.] RB: Oh.... never mind. Fiend Machine: After the back and forth early on, the ball ended up in the hands of Randall Osbourne. Out of all the people on that muddy field, he was the biggest and the most violent. And even when he was close to be taken down, he tossed the ball to Tommy Jackson who was right at home in the mud and playing this game. RB: Like second nature. Fiend Machine: Tawni Northern and Tommy Elliot didn’t really have to do anything, although... Tommy Elliot did attempt some ill-advised crowd surfing. RB: Such is his way. Fiend Machine: The Insanity Society move on easily to tomorrow’s final. RB: I understand there were multiple fields? Fiend Machine: Yes, on field two Team BAJ, Team DERPness, Team ASLL and the combined trifecta of the Bastard Underground, MBC-Alamo City and MBC-Lone Star all fought it out in the mud. [The ladies of BAJ show speed. The DERPsters show tenacity and funk. The trifecta show power. And ASLL, composed mostly of minis... they get tossed around. Frequently, the ball is stolen only to be replaced with a mud slick mini. While it doesn't take long to notice, the switch proves especially effective for Jerry Titus and company.] Fiend Machine: Though they were the most hastily put together team of the day, the sheer amount of large bodies they had at their disposal was exactly what they needed for this event. They head to tomorrow's finals. RB: Decidedly different showing from what they did in Dodgeball. Mud and blood must play to their strengths. Fiend Machine: Now field three was closed off from the public. RB: Why was that again? Fiend Machine: Let us just say the women of PGE have cultivated a cult following in their time in Styx. RB: Not necessarily a bad thing is it? Fiend Machine: It is when that cult following is made up of lonely perverts who live with their mothers and recently released hard up prison convicts. RB: Mmm... HANA in mud. Fiend Machine: And sheriffs apparently. Tell me Sheriff Beam, what exactly differentiates you from Slush? RB: Authority. Fiend Machine: Good enough I suppose. Anyways, the third field was closed to the public. Team PGE participated along with the combined team of Independents and the UWF. Throw in the combined team of the Church of Bastardism and Seven Seas Wrestling, plus PUNT and you’re dealing with quite a lot. [Even in mud, Yumi [PGE] was the fastest person out there. However, The Beautiful Master [PUNT] was the most nimble. Factor in that both The Goblin Queen [PUNT] and The Hard Master [PUNT] were nigh impossible to take down, the game was far closer than expected. The ladies of Independents and UWF went toe to toe with PGE when it came to tackling. Ryu Osawa [CoB] nearly had a heart attack watching it all.] Fiend Machine: When the bell to end the hour came up, three teams were tied at eight points apiece. But it was PUNT who had nine and will move on to tomorrow. RB: A shame to miss all that mud. Fiend Machine: And on the final field, it was a bit of helter skelter action. Anchored by Twinkletoes Tiwilliger, Team Fighting Spirit took the early advantage. [Just picture the mammoth light weight Twinkletoes trudging through the mud, all around him trying to take him down. But they cannot, for he is the juggernaut! Nothing can stand in his way!] Fiend Machine: unfortunately for Twinkletoes, he was basically a one man band. Nico Villanova had no intention of getting in the mud and King Vile ordered Los Henchos to do his dirty work so to speak. They really were no help and that eventually took its toll. Plus, Elbitz wandered onto the field and tripped Twinkletoes over, causing the ball to pop loose. [Then picture Max and Sal from PVW still arguing with the ladies of Trinity.] Fiend Machine: And one team didn’t even participate. They were too busy arguing over the exploitation of women and being objectified with mud. RB: Nonsense! Fiend Machine: The Devils You Know: Bastard Edition did well. However, the so called “Vince Viper” who played Pong didn’t last very long. [The poor girl, albino makeup smearing off, is shown being carted off the field.] Fiend Machine: We’re told she’s fine. But you don’t bring a ten year old to a glorified street fight. RB: Unless you want to teach them a lesson. Fiend Machine: The most coherent team and the one that took this game ended up being Team AWA. They had the one thing that all other teams didn’t. RB: Moist towelettes? Fiend Machine: Strategy. And that carried them to victory. RB: Strategy is good but cleanliness _is_ next to Styxiness. Fiend Machine: You’re not really good at this commentary gig are you. RB: Not really. But sitting in front of all these monitors helps me with my duties as sheriff and official neighborhood watch captain. Fiend Machine: Isn’t that redundant? RB: Twice over. Fiend Machine: The medal game for these events will take place tomorrow in the afternoon. Together on one field will be Team AWA, Team PUNT, Team Insanity Society and the trifecta team of the Bastard Underground, MBC-Alamo City and MBC-Lone Star. RB: So was there a final injury tally? Fiend Machine: I’m sure there is but I don’t’ have it in front of me. RB: What kind of play by play man are you if you don’t have these statistics readily available? Fiend Machine: I don’t really think people want to know about the number of injuries there were. RB: Do you not remember what city you’re in? A broken bone is on the city seal. Fiend Machine: I thought the city seal was a hawk grabbing a bear with a rabid badger in its teeth or something else ridiculous. RB: It’s one of those 3-D puzzle pictures. They can play tricks. ------------------------------------------------------------- MIDGET TOSSING (COMBINED DISTANCE&TECHNIQUE) ------------------------------------------------------------- RB: James, if you don't mind, I’ll take the lead on this one. Fiend Machine: Ummm... sure? RB: I lettered in Varsity Midget Tossing at the Styx High School of Law Enforcement Arts. That was back when the sport was more pure. Fiend Machine: Midget tossing was a sport here? RB: Truthfully, we tossed kindergarteners but the principles and aerodynamics are roughly the same. Fiend Machine: Fire away then... I guess. [It’s a well lit field, marked by yards in increments of five. There is a launching circle with anything outside that area marked as a penalty. The number of competitors is quite large. But defying all normal logic and apparent Styx attendance records is the vast crowd that has gathered. If you thought karaoke was popular, you haven't seen [KEEP]!] RB: "The Toss of Might" as our forefathers called it is a beautiful and ancient sport. It has everything one could love: pageantry, violence, sex... Fiend Machine: Sex? RB: The orgies of the tossed midgets are fueled by adrenaline and the thrill of near death. In some ways, I wish to be under three feet tall.... Fiend Machine: I'm going on the record to say I am officially disturbed. RB: There’s a bit of a different phase to Midget Tossing for the Third Bastard Olympiad. After some vigorous debate, a secondary event has been added. Not only are the medal tossers going for the gold, so are the tossees. [All lined up, like a rack of bowling balls at the alley are the minis to be tossed. Most of them are from the ASLL, home of the mini. El Monito, Slasher Gomez, Skateboard, Mini Masked Maniac, Lil’ Booger, Dino Takada, Rico Caliente, La Cucaracha and... Tommy Elliot.] RB: Of course, there was some controversy before the event started. The Insanity Society refused to use any of the ASLL minis, instead opting to enter Tommy Elliot as a tossee. [The minis all look at Elliot with either disdain or mockery. Elliot, oblivious to the gaze of the others, looked absolutely thrilled.] RB: Expectations were understandably low however, Randall Osbourne managed to win the Bronze medal after a strong effort with both distance and technique. As a result, Tommy Elliot took home the bronze for tossees. [Various participants examine the various minis, selecting who they wish to toss. James Masterson gives La Cucaracha a long look before selecting him while something about El Monito tells Jerry Titus that he is the one. And the ladies are in on the act as well. The Goblin Queen picks Slasher Gomez as if he were a kindred spirit.] RB: The Insanity Society weren’t the only one who wanted to enter with their own tossee. [Q-Ball from Socktopolis NOW! steps into the launching circle and tries to send his leader, his master and sock puppet Dr. Socktopolis flying but the wind only blows him back into Q-Ball’s face.] RB: The ladies of Perfect Girl Evolution tried to extend their medal count dominance and were in fine form. Kiyomi had beautiful technique. Miyuki Ozaki had great distance. And HANA, oh my precious HANA... Fiend Machine: Can I take a guess on this one? RB: You may. Fiend Machine: Target practice? RB: Correct. [El Monito at the ready, HANA winds up and tosses the rowdy mini... but not along the designated course. Instead she tosses him at a passing cotton candy vendor. With pinpoint accuracy, HANA manages to toss El Monito right on the vendor’s back. Hilarity ensues.] Fiend Machine: That poor man. RB: Things only got worse after El Monito got that cotton candy in his system. Fiend Machine: How? RB: Oh you know how monkeys are with their own excrement... Fiend Machine: That is wholly disgusting. RB: But Gold medal winning. ------------------------------------------------------------- MIDGET TOSSEES ------------------------------------------------------------- 2012 GOLD: El Monito [ASLL] 2012 SILVER: Slasher Gomez [ASLL] 2012 BRONZE: Tommy Elliot [Insanity Society] ------------------------------------------------------------- Fiend Machine: And how about the results for the tossers? ------------------------------------------------------------- MIDGET TOSSERS ------------------------------------------------------------- 2012 GOLD: Harley Sanders [Hand of Doom] 2012 SILVER: Brawn Stevenson [Bastard Underground] 2012 BRONZE: Randall Osbourne [Insanity Society] ------------------------------------------------------------- RB: Too close to call in some regards. But I only expect this to help spread the popularity of the event across the country. Fiend Machine: How many places do you expect to be like Styx? RB: Let’s see, we’re in phase three of our projected takeover of all American culture... Fiend Machine: Third? Out of how many? [Pause] Fiend Machine: You know what, I don’t want to know. RB: You’d prefer to be blindsided by your new masters. Fiend Machine: I can only hope my death is quick. RB: Noted. Fiend Machine: That’s it for day six. Join us tomorrow for the seventh and final day of these Bastard Olympics. [Fade to sweet merciful black.] |
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Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro. You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned. | |
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7:19 PM Jul 10