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| OLYMPICS DAY 7 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 7 2012, 01:04 PM (159 Views) | |
| MBCKyle | Nov 7 2012, 01:04 PM Post #1 |
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
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[The screen is dark.] Voice: She’s been a queen... [A shot of Holly Hotbody, seated on a throne, tiara atop her head.] Voice: A champion... [Flash to a scene of Holly holding up the MBC women’s championship with a grin.] Voice: And a First Lady. [The next scene shows Holly standing proudly next to Vengeance as he addresses a crowd of reporters.] Voice: But the one thing that has eluded her has been MBC Olympic gold. [Scene flashes to the 2008 games, where Lolita Love smiles, holding up her gold medal. Holly glares at her sister, tossing her own silver medal to the ground in a huff.] Voice: But that all changes tonight as Styx’s Queen takes her proper place! [The scene opens to the throne room of Holly Hotbody, where Styx’s resident queen sits atop her throne. The busty bombshell is clad in a low-cut, little, black, mini dress, showing off an ample amount of cleavage and tantalizing array of legs. She also wears heels and her trademark tiara, her auburn hair falling down her back in curls.] Holly: Greetings, MBC members as well as all other commoners. The Hand of Doom would like to officially welcome you to Styx and the third Olympiad. [With a flourish, she waves her hand.] Holly: Hopefully, you are all enjoying your stay. [nods] Now, that that’s out of the way, we can talk about what’s really important, namely me! [smiles] As some of you may know, I competed in the 2008 games and barely lost out on winning gold. [A frown crosses her lips at the memory.] Holly: But today, that will not be the case. Because I will accept nothing less than first place and will be doing everything within my power to win. So, to my competition, I wish you luck and leave you with one thing. [She leans closer, focusing her gaze straight at the camera.] Holly: Remember, you are in _my_ land. And an unhappy queen is an unhappy Styx. As you compete in these games and take your places across the field from me, it is very important to remember that. Just because you arrived here safely doesn’t mean you’ll get to leave that way. [There’s a dangerous glint in her hazel eyes that is suddenly replaced by a bright smile.] Holly: Other than that, enjoy the show! [She crosses her shapely legs as the scene fades to the logo.] ===================================== 2012 BASTARD OLYMPICS ===================================== DAY SEVEN - TESTS OF PATIENCE - FINALS ===================================== Slush: Oh the sainted mother... how I long to brush her hair. Fiend Machine: Between Slush’s nun fetish with Holly and the Sheriff’s breeding fetish with HANA, I’m very much in a bad place right now. Pinhead: You’re preaching to the choir my friend. [And back to the Olympic Control Center for day seven of these Bastard Olympics. All four chairs are occupied for the first time in several days. Lined up in order from right to left are James “Fiend Machine” Tempo, Sheriff Roy Beam, Pinhead and Slush. The last two especially seem tired and worn. I’d reckon that if you could smell through the television there’d be a stench. But that could certainly be from the city itself...] Fiend Machine: We are back for the seventh and final day of the Third Bastard Olympiad. Pinhead: And soon I suspect... the real pain begins. Fiend Machine: What makes you say that? Pinhead: Everybody knows that the real crimes against humanity take place after the inspectors from the U.N. leave. RB: That is a bold claim sir. Pinhead: Are you denying it? RB: No. But it is a bold claim. Fiend Machine: We wrap up these games by finishing out the Tests of Patience. Not only do we have the medal rounds for both the Dodgeball and Kill the Guy With the Ball events, we will also have highlights from the Jello Long Jump and Sumo Competitions. Slush: Still with the fat suits? Fiend Machine: Always. Slush: Then something is coming up Slush today. And by that I mean by penis. Pinhead: You’re just... no. Just... no. ------------------------------------------------------------- JELLO LONG JUMP ------------------------------------------------------------- Slush: Ah, the Jello Long Jump. Is it still the sausage fest that I remember? Fiend Machine: By that you mean? Slush: Filled with dudes. Fiend Machine: Actually no. In terms of ratio there were far more women than men. And in fact, we had to section off the field. Pinhead: Oh, I get it. Women in jello. Fiend Machine: Well honestly, as much as PGE has developed a sad little following of perverts in Styx, so has Nico Villanova. Pinhead: Really? Him? RB: Yes, the Cougar Association of Greater Styx officially changed its name to the Nico Villanova Fan Love Association after seeing him march down during the opening ceremonies. Apparently they had been stalking him all week. And he was disgusted by it. Slush: He doesn’t like horned up cougars? Fiend Machine: He may, but probably not Styx’s horned up cougars. Pinhead: What's wrong with them? They real cougars? RB: When the moon is full... Fiend Machine: Regardless, he didn’t want them anywhere close to him so per his request, the long jump area was closed to the public. Most of the ladies were grateful. However, some were disappointed that they couldn’t show off for their fans. [True to his word, the footage shows both Luna and Aurora Cordova arguing with officials about the lack of spectators. One flashes the referee her costume and when not lost in the sight of the costume (or lack thereof), the Cordovas are told they will have to deal with it. Pissed off, both women throw their tassels to the ground and storm off.] Fiend Machine: And though the New Throbbing Mattress Kittens did not participate in the event, they were still present as they gathered several of their stripper friends to protest. RB: Ah, the girls of Paco’s Ta-ta Casa. They’re working their way through college you know. Pinhead: Whatever helps you sleep at night. Fiend Machine: Now of course, going back to Nico, despite getting his way, he still argued with the officials, claiming he wasn’t going to sully himself by jumping in Jello. But then he had a reason to run... [Nico argues with the officials vehemently about not lowering himself to such low American standards. But in a sudden burst, the not so finely guarded entrance to the competition area opens wide, allowing a stampede of older and awfully lonely women, all looking to grab them a piece of Nico. They weren’t unattractive by any means. Admittedly, most of them wore too much makeup or had too much plastic surgery. Nico wanted none of it and took off running. His only means of escape was to jump into the jello. Official measurements were taken just because they could be.] Fiend Machine: Nico impressed with his first jump but never got around to his second or third since he was running for his life from CAGS. Slush: How come I didn’t know about this club? I’ve wasted my whole week with you rejects. I could have been in their club house. Pinhead: I’m sure they needed a piñata. Slush: Hey, if they’re into that sort of thing... Fiend Machine: Sexual connotations aside, there were actually plenty of people, women included, who took this event very seriously. [A montage of footage shows the various competitors: Tawni Northern [Insanity Society], Jan Delgado and Lolita Love [Independent], Margarita Ramos [ASLL], Michiko {PGE} among others...] Fiend Machine: What was most impressive was the presence of PVW’s Max Weinrib and Sal Mubarak. [At first all we see are Max and Sal talking to the ladies, trying to get phone numbers and invites to any after hour parties. Few of the ladies, if any are impressed. But when the time comes for the two to compete, they get some surprising distance, all to impress the ladies of course.] Fiend Machine: I honestly don’t think they were taking the event seriously. However, in an effort to catch the eyes of the women there, they actually went all out with their jumps. As a result both Max and Sal were in medal contention. But there were two women who really set themselves apart. [One, dressed in the finest of sleek black sportswear and sports tiara was the very Queen of Styx herself, Holly Hotbody [Hand of Doom]. Next to her, an actual former [real] Olympic athlete, Yumi [PGE]. Jumps for both women are shown, all of them surpassing the closest competitors by far.] Fiend Machine: In the end, it was Yumi who won the gold.However… RB: However! Pinhead: However? Slush: However... with some other punctuation mark. RB: Within the hour of Yumi winning the gold, it was discovered that she had performance enhancing substances in her system. Pinhead: Which ones? Fiend Machine: Yes. Pinhead: What do you mean “yes”? Fiend Machine: As in, she had all of them. I’ve printed out the list for each of you. RB: Courtesy of the Styx Anti Doping Agency. Slush: SADA? RB: The second A is silent. Pinhead: That’s just sad. RB: Exactly. Slush: Oh wow, look at this stuff. Yumi knows how to party! Fiend Machine: In a very public ceremony she was stripped of her medals. Gangs of fifth graders lined up to point and laugh. RB: The Styx Shame Ceremony. Very traditional. Fiend Machine: And Queen Holly being Queen Holly, had no problems taking the gold, even amidst the controversy. ------------------------------------------------------------- 2012 GOLD: Holly Hotbody [Hand of Doom] 2012 SILVER: Max Weinrib [PVW] 2012 BRONZE: Sal Mubarak [PVW] ------------------------------------------------------------- Fiend Machine: Before we move on, let’s get a word from our sponsors. Shakeweight! Shake dat ass and lose it all at the same time! [We fade for a moment, but not to a commercial...] Yumi: (I'M NOT ON DRUGS!!!) HANA: (Jittery, hyper-verbal, manic, paranoid...I don't know, Yumi, I'd say you're hitting the checklist for at least a couple of recreational treats.) Ayako: (The evidence is kind of overwhelming.) [Yumi looks at her teammates with pleading eyes.] Yumi: (You have to believe me! The only way I could possibly be on drugs is if I had descended into a shameful life of street prostitution or wrestling in Atlantic City! It would be the only way I could cope with how my life had fallen into such a dark and treacherous path, when I had such a promising future ahead of me! Ohmygosh, ohmygosh...this is the end, isn't it? Miyuki's going to boot me out of Perfect Girl Evolution and then it's the stripper pole for the rest of my days! I knew I should've signed up for that pole dancing class!) *SLAP!* [A slap from Michiko snaps Yumi back into reality.] Michiko: (We'll get to the bottom of this, Yumi! You've obviously been framed by a jealous and insecure rival! I mean, look at her! Do you think Yumi is even competent enough to stick a needle into her butt!?) HANA: (That's a good point. She isn't.) Ayako: (I guess we could lodge a formal protest, but for now...we have another event to get to. Lets go!) [The girls all head off to the next event, with a worried Yumi in tow...all the girls... ...except Michiko.] Michiko: (If I can't have that gold medal...then no one can!) [The honey-haired, power mad kleptomaniac and hacker extraordinaire laughs maniacally.] Michiko: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [Fade out.] Fiend Machine: So, where were we? RB: I was going through my notes. Pinhead: Seriously? Nobody screens the stuff you air? Fiend Machine: There are people for that. Pinhead; There’s a woman who was framed! Where’s the justice? RB: You’re asking me about justice? Pinhead: You know what... forget I said anything. I’ll buy Yumi a stuffed rhino or something and let her know I know she’s innocent. Slush: In some cultures a stuffed rhino demonstrates that you have a third nipple, which is the universal sign of hyper fertility and an overactive thyroid. Pinhead: And where did you read that brilliant trope? Slush: Bathroom wall. It’s all true. Just like the things you read on the internet. ------------------------------------------------------------- DODGE BALL (TEAM EVENT FOR 2012) ------------------------------------------------------------- Fiend Machine: Early this morning, the four remaining Dodgeball teams gathered in the gym at Peter Scolari High School for what would be the final rounds. Slush: Ah Bosom Buddies. How I miss thee. [When you compare the first two teams together, one has to wonder how such an odd assortment of people gathered in this place. Then you remember that you’re in Styx. Only slightly does it make sense. As Elbitz gives last minute words of garbled encouragement to the team of Twinkletoes Tiwilliger, Nico Villanova, King Vile and Los Henchos, a different sort of inspiration is going on for the other team.] Fiend Machine: I couldn’t tell you a single thing that Elbitz was trying to say, but that was in no way his fault. Amber Rogers had her guitar turned up a little too loud. [Somehow, someway, Amber Rogers got a ukulele to work with a marshal stack and distortion pedal. Though she thought she was doing Team Church of Bastardism/Seven Seas Wrestling some good, Ryu Osawa and the Beaumont family were stuffing random objects into their ears. Despite Amber’s promise to sing a victory song if they won, Team CoB/SSW put on a strong effort even if it was a losing one.] Slush: She sings from the heart. So powerful. Fiend Machine: Even though they lost to team Fighting Spirit, Amber still sang to “console” them. Meanwhile... [When it came to extreme Dodgeball, Harley Sanders of Team HoD/II was king. Despite getting early eliminations against Team BAJ, the ladies rebounded by catching several straight balls. The extreme doen’t quite rub off on Tyler Tucker, Wolf Jager, Kiora Donavon or Justin Davidson but let it never be said that ferocity isn’t a part of either the Hand of Doom’s or International Incident’s playbook. Still, the ladies from BAJ remain persistent, eventually edging out the victory.] Fiend Machine: And despite being the less cohesive unit, Team Church of Bastardism/Seven Seas Wrestling upset Team Hand of Doom/International Incident in the Bronze Medal Game. Team HoD/II were simply off their game. Slush: HOD/II. Reminds me of that movie Solarbabies. Anybody remember that? Anybody? [Pre match footage is shown of Amber Rogers crooning away near the HoD/II prep area while Osawa and all three Beaumonts have on heavy duty headphones while playing a rousing game of Magic: The Gathering. Kiora Donavon’s face shows “KILL” but someone holds her back, namely Harley Sanders who from the looks of it, may be in love.] Fiend Machine: So it came down to Team BAJ versus Team Fighting Spirit. In the pre-game handshake, Nico Villanova tried to seduce every single member of Team BAJ... [Right in a row, every lady from BAJ walks straight to Nico and slaps him in the face. One even threatens to give him a surprise briss.] RB: Been there. Fiend Machine: Now when the match began, Nico was the immediate first target for Team BAJ. But apparently this wasn’t the first time he had dodged things thrown at him by women. [Just as the man says, Nico’s ability to dodge is downright profound.] Fiend Machine: Things looked dire for Team BAJ, especially when Twinkletoes was eliminated by a double shot to the belly. What resulted was a riotous burp that deflected the path of two other balls. [A green fog emanates from Tiwilliger over to the opposite side of the court.] Fiend Machine: But the grace of these angels... these Battle Angels of Japan... allowed them to not only dodge the balls but also the fog that came towards them, possibly to eat their flesh. With Twinkletoes gone, they picked off both of Los Henchos, leaving Nico Villonova and King Vile. Villonova was taken down by his own arrogance as a moment of pride of dodging both a high and low shot simultaneously earned him another ball to the family jewels. RB: He’s going to need some ice. Fiend Machine: And though King Vile was able to rattle off three straight eliminations all by himself, the two on one advantage ultimately lead to his being pegged in the shoulder. An emotional Team BAJ won the Gold. ------------------------------------------------------------- 2012 GOLD: Team BAJ 2012 SILVER: Team Fighting Spirit 2012 BRONZE: Team Church of Bastardism/Seven Seas Wrestling ------------------------------------------------------------- RB: There is beauty in that. Fiend Machine: What we saw was pure emotion. Team BAJ earned a hard fought victory and those ladies will treasure those gold medals for a lifetime. RB: Actually, I was speaking of the chemical warfare waged by the Tiwilliger fellow. Pinhead: Seriously? RB: If a government ever learns to weaponize Twinkletoes’ digestive tract, it could be _the_ weapon to end all wars. ------------------------------------------------------------- KILL THE GUY WITH THE BALL (TEAM EVENT FOR 2012) ------------------------------------------------------------- RB: So explain to me how the numbers work exactly. These teams aren’t evenly numbered. Fiend Machine: No, they’re not. Team AWA outnumbers all of the other teams in the remaining fields by far. Team Insanity Society is the smallest of the four with Team PUNT and the Underground/Alamo City/Lone Star team falling in the middle. RB: So... how does it work? Fiend Machine: For the game, the number of players is determined by the amount of people the smallest team wants to send. The Insanity Society sent four: Randall Osbourne, Tommy Jackson, Tommy Elliot and Scud. RB: They don’t have to send the same team from the day before? Fiend Machine: Pretty much. But everyone on the delegation is eligible to play. The rest of the teams sent out their best four. PUNT sent out The Golbin Queen, The Hard Master, The Beautiful Master and La Catrina of Flor de Muerto. RB: The largest of the remaining women? Fiend Machine: Yes and from what I’ve seen of her, the most physically imposing. Built like an amazon. And with that skull face paint, quite creepy. RB: The trifecta? Fiend Machine: Jerry Titus, Brawn Stevenson, Joey Malone and Felicity Malone. RB: Those damn Malones. I knew their father Fiend Machine: Johnathan “The Motor City Deadman” Malone. Brutal beast of a man. RB: If you thought he was brutal, you should have seen the mother. She was a looker but if there was a mistake one never repeated, it was pissing her off. Well, except for one man. Fiend Machine: Who was that? RB: Have Slush tell you how he came to have a prosthetic testicle. Fiend Machine: I’d.... no. Slush: Oh, it’s not so bad. Sometimes, I check it for lumps. It’s important to do that you know. [There on the field, mud all the way to the horizon, the four teams all scrum for the ball. It pops up into the air, hands reaching for it like the tentacles of a jellyfish reaching for a swimming morsel of food. It lands in the hands of Scud and the fun begins...] Fiend Machine: Would you believe that poor, poor Scud managed to score two points? RB: No. Fiend Machine: He did, but was of course tripped by Joey Malone, La Catrina and Felicity Malone all going for the ball at once. That little trinity was having a go of it all game. RB: And I see things between The Hard Master and Jerry Titus were rather nasty. More so when Randall Osbourne and Sultan Sharif got involved. Fiend Machine: This wasn’t so much a game of Kill the Guy With the Ball as much as it was Kill the Guy in Front of You. But there was mud and left over beer from the Tests of Inebriation. Overall, they had fun. RB: Do you have an injury report? Fiend Machine: How about... everybody died. Does that work for you? RB: For now. ------------------------------------------------------------- 2012 GOLD: Team AWA 2012 SILVER: Team Bastard Underground/MBC-Alamo City/MBC-Lone Star 2012 BRONZE: Team PUNT ------------------------------------------------------------- Slush: What? No more highlights? Fiend Machine: Do you need highlights of people beating each other up in mud? Slush: Are there pigs involved? Fiend Machine: No. Slush: Then no. Even if you said yes, I would say no. I see that on the morning Styx Farm reports. Fiend Machine: I can leave when these Olympics are over right? RB: As long as your name is not Pinhead or Slush, yes. Pinhead: Great. Fiend Machine: Say, where were you two earlier today? Pinhead: Judging pumpkin carving or something. I stopped caring pretty much instantly. Slush: Somebody saw Jesus in a gourd yesterday so now it’s all fashionable to find a messianic jack-o-lantern. Personally, I think that’s old hat. Everybody knows that Jesus likes to show up in shoe polish. [Fade in...on the interior of a meatlocker? Certainly looks like one with the carcasses of pigs and sides of beef hanging lifelessly from the ceiling on metal hooks everywhere. Stepping into the scene and not caring that he looks out of place there is a man of Indian (Asiatic) heritage wearing a fur-lined parka and an oily smirk. Those familiar with Bastard Stampede recognize him as Gordon J. Dutt, manager of the infamous Goblin Queen.] GJD: ...and so it came to pass that the once-Mighty Bastard Championship fell, its territories shattered and scattered. Now desperately fighting to carve out their tiny, little empires in the dirt... [Gordon pauses, watching his breath drift up into puffy clouds in the icy air. Off-camera, a grunt of disgust can be heard, low and gutteral. Dutt's expression hardens into a frown.] GJD: ...but did any of them offer us sanctuary? Did any of them reach out for Her Majesty's protection in exchange for a haven?! NO! [From off-camera explodes a bellow of rage. Gordon shakes his head as if admonishing a small child.] GJD: You cretins shall regret your folly. No matter...the Goblin Queen is a NATION unto herself! And soon, in Styx, her war will begin anew on the weak and pitiful. This is just the opening salvo. All will be CONQUERED under Her crushing might! [Gordon's eyes narrow into a cruel, cold grin.] GJD: And those who dare think they can stand against the Goblin Queen will be devoured... [Another fury-filled roar erupts. Shoving past the ice-hardened slabs of meat, the Goblin Queen Herself pounds a massive fist against her chest, seemingly at home with the cold.] GQ: [snarling] ...watashiha hakai no megamidesu...watashiha shoufu no GIXYAKUSATSU! [With savage, piggish glee, the Goblin Queen lets out one final howl as Gordon chuckles in dark anticipation. Fade to black.] ------------------------------------------------------------- SUMO (WITH SUMO SUITS) ------------------------------------------------------------- Fiend Machine: And alas, we are at our last event. Pinhead: I’m still not sure why this is the event the Bastard Olympics always end on. Seems... anticlimactic. Slush: Isn’t the fact that someone actually thought to hold this event anticlimactic? Pinhead: Doesn’t really fit the definition. Slush: I swear, it’s like we’ve been doing this show forever. A week? Hardly. It feels more like three months. RB: What’s he going on about? Pinhead: He’s just channeling the Meta again. RB: Is he a witch? Pinhead: Depends. Are you going to burn him at the stake? RB: We’re too modern for something like that. Pinhead: That’s a shame. I bet he’d go up real nice. [And to the footage we go. It’s a small gym where the bleachers are filled to capacity by spectators ready to watch Olympians squish each other while wearing fat suits. Sometimes, it’s the little things that entertain us. God only knows what will entertain a citizen of Styx.] Fiend Machine: The first competitor of the event was Omar Oscavedo Martinez. Now one could say his pride was a little wounded. [Dressed in his sumo suit, Omar pounds his chest, declaring himself the manliest of men. He yells at the top of his lungs to say that yes, all the other men in this competition are lesser beings. They are in fact sissies. And Omar puts out the bold claim, that as a real man, he will win this event.] Fiend Machine: You could also say that Omar was more than a little drunk. [Stumbling a bit, Omar steps into the ring, daring his opponent to be a real man and face him. Low and behold, his opponent turns out to be The Goblin Queen. Within half a second of the referee calling for the start of the match, the Queen sends Omar flying out of the ring. Unable to get up due to drunkenness and shattered pride, Omar does not return.] RB: I hear he’s still lying there. Fiend Machine: I think the happiest person to be in this event, even if you couldn’t see her smile was the Goblin Queen. Though she rather enjoyed beating up the other ladies, especially when she could draw blood, she truly held her own against the men. [An image of the Goblin Queen sitting triumphant on the chest of Joey Malone [MBC-Alamo City].] Fiend Machine: Of all the Olympic events, this may have been the one with the most serious competitors. For once it wasn’t just about getting drunk. Well for some. Some were very serious. Although, they didn’t exactly fit in the suits... [It isn’t as much that "The Street Samurai" Spade [DERP] doesn’t fit into the suit. Frankly, it looked to many that he finds the whole concept of the suit annoying and possibly offensive. Then again the suit was about two sizes too small for him. Regardless, being a man who takes the sport of sumo very seriously, it is clear that he is determined to excel in this contest and excel he does. He plows through James Masterson [MBC-Lone Star]. A match later, he rolls over Sal Mubarak [PVW]. His clash with Sultan Azam Sharif [AWA] is nothing less than epic.] Fiend Machine: Sultan Azam Sharif takes home the bronze easily but the gold medal contest between the Goblin Queen and Spade was anything but easy. Spade took an early advantage but the Goblin Queen knew exactly how to work the leverage. She nearly got him out of bounds but a favorable twist by Spade knocked the Queen over, securing him the Gold. [Spade celebrates his victory but not before honorably bowing to the audience, the judges and to his opponent in respect.] ------------------------------------------------------------- 2012 GOLD: “The Street Samurai” Spade [DERP] 2012 SILVER: The Goblin Queen [PUNT] 2012 BRONZE: Sultan Azam Sharif [AWA] ------------------------------------------------------------- Slush: And I’m spent... [Slush slumps in his chair, a strange look of satisfaction on his face.] Fined Machine: With that, the events have concluded. All that’s left now are the closing ceremonies later tonight. Pinhead: I can only imagine how insane those will be. RB: They’ll be respectable and awe inspiring. Pinhead: By Styx standards? RB: Of course. Pinhead: Then I expect nothing short of puppies being kicked and full scale zombie invasion. Slush: Wow, you’ve finally achieved a higher level of cynicism than I ever could. Pinhead: War changes a man. Slush: Yeah, well, so does a sex change operation. Pinhead: … Fiend Machine: For everyone here, I’m James Tempo signing off till tonight. ‘ [Fade to black.] |
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Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro. You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned. | |
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7:19 PM Jul 10