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[MBC] Unnamed Bastard Show Episode 7 - HOUR ONE; For Your Year End Award Consideration...
Topic Started: Dec 21 2012, 05:46 PM (559 Views)
MBCKyle
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
HE AWAKENS FROM HIS SLUMBER

[From darkness, we are brought to light.]

HE LAYS UPON A SIMPLE BED IN A SIMPLE ROOM

[Indeed, the room is simple. There’s a bed and a small dresser. Laying on the bed in rather drab gray pajamas is Slush, waking from his drug laced dart induced bout of unconsciousness. He sits upright and looks at the walls, just as drab as the clothes he wears.]

SHADOWS CAST BY THE CORNER LAMP DANCE WITH THE FAN ABOVE

[Slush looks up to see a ceiling fan turning slowly. He shakes his head clear, some obvious side effects of the drugs still remaining.]

HE HUNGERS

[A grumbling sound echoes from his belly, causing Slush to instinctively place a hand over it. Having been passed out for time unknown, he’s obviously famished. He spots a pair of fuzzy grey slippers at his bedside. Still in his daze, he carefully stands and slips his feet into fuzzy comfort. He walks to the door and opens.]

THROUGH THE WOODEN PORTAL HE STEPS, OUT INTO A WORLD UNKNOWN

[Slush steps into a hallway just as grey as the room he came from. The hall is long and blank. There are windows that overlook a courtyard of trees and plants that are slowly succumbing to the approaching season. Down the hall, Slush sees three people. Two are dressed as nurses, the kind you’d expect to see right out of a 1950’s black and white movie. The other is a man wearing a long white coat, presumably a doctor. Oddly, all three of them wear surgical masks over the lower halves of their faces.]

HE SEES THEM JUST AS THEY SEE HIM

THEY CALL FOR HIM TO STOP BUT HE’S ALREADY BEGUN HIS RUN

FLASHES TO OLD BLACK AND WHITE SUSPENSE AND HORROR TELL HIM WHAT LAY BEYOND THE MASKS, PIG FACES WITH IDEAS OF DISTORTED BEAUTY

[Watch an episode of the Twilight Zone and you’ll get it.]

DOUBLE DOORS BEFORE HIM, HE RUNS

SOON, SOON HE SHALL ESCAPE!

[Slush bursts through the double doors and runs out into the street. A car horn blares at him as he is nearly hit by a beat up truck that should have been retired decades ago. But the more Slush looks around, the more he sees that the cars are beyond old.]

BUT WHERE HAS HE ESCAPED TO? THIS UNKNOWN WORLD SO FOREIGN TO HIS SENSES

THERE IS NO BIG CITY, THERE IS NO SUBURBAN SPRAWL

[Indeed not, it’s like a small Midwestern town. No building is over two stories tall, not a hint of neon or electronic signage for as far as the eye can see. He sees a gas station complete with car side service. A diner sits on the corner with its customers dressed in fine suits and long dresses...

...and luchador masks.]

MASKS ON SOME, FACE PAINT ON OTHERS, WHERE COULD HE...

Slush: HEY! YOU!

[Slush turns to face the camera.]

Slush: WHAT IS YOUR [MEEP]ING DEAL?

[But it’s not the camera he’s looking at. The shot spins around until we see just what Slush or rather who Slush is talking to. Standing there, coat over one arm as his other is stretched out is the bald fat man who has been chronicling the adventures of Slush and Pinhead. He is the man dubbed Steve “Uatu” Jones.]

Steve “Uatu” Jones: I AM THE WA...

Slush: I didn’t ask who! Why are you yelling and why are you following me?

[A different view from the camera shows Slush and Jones standing in the street. Passers by, all dressed like cast members of “Leave it to Beaver” and wearing either a brightly colored mask or face paint, look at them as if _they_ are the strange ones. And really, they are.]

Steve “Uatu” Jones: IT IS MY SACRED QUEST TO WATCH AND...

Slush: Dude, you look like a certified public accountant... or sex offender. I can’t make up my mind.

Steve “Uatu” Jones: I ASSURE YOU THAT...

Slush: Whatever... I’ve lost interest.

[A young woman wearing a pink poodle skirt and matching poodle mask goes by on a scooter.]

Slush: Where the Hell am I?

[As if waiting for it, Steve “Uatu” Jones walks out into the middle of the street, arms raised to the heavens. All those passers by, including the girl in the poodle mask stop what they’re doing and begin to gather for Jones is ready to speak. Citizens of this small town, also wearing some sort of covering on their faces, come from their places of business. Cars stop and the drivers get out. They circle around Jones and join him in speaking...]

IF YOU ENTER THE FIELD OF BATTLE
AND SUDDENLY FIND YOURSELF ALONE...

IF YOU SEARCH THE WHOLE WORLD OVER
AND TURN THAT FINAL STONE...

IF YOUR HEART ACHES WITH LONGING
AND THE SEEDS OF LOVE HAVE BEEN SEWN...

IF YOU’RE HIT IN THE SKULL WITH METAL
AND THE BLOOD STAINS THE BROKEN BONE...

DON’T DESPAIR OR SHED A TEAR,
CLOSE YOUR EYES AND KNOW YOUR HOME...

WALK WITHOUT AIM AND SOON
YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF IN PARTS UNKNOWN!

[Then silence from the gathered crowd. They all turn to look at Slush in hopes that his question has been answered.]

Slush: That made no [MEEP]ing sense! You people are retarded!

[The roar of an engine comes billowing up the street. The crowd parts to make way for a classic hot rod painted in purple and red. Through its large exhaust pipes, flames blast out. Behind the wheel is a large man with curly hair and a plaid cap. His own luchador mask makes him look as if his eyes are bugging out.

Fuzzy dice hang from the rear view mirror.

The ladies swoon.]

Pinhead: So you’re finally awake?

[In the passenger seat is Slush’s companion and some would argue, legal guardian.]

Slush: [MEEP] you!

Pinhead: Yeah, you’re awake.

[Pinhead opens the door and nods for Slush to get in.]

Pinhead: Come on. We’ve got to get to the fairgrounds.

Slush: The fairgrounds? What’s at the fairgrounds?

Pinhead: The next show...

Slush: For?

Pinhead: The MBC has a territory here. It’s called MBC-...

[Pinhead raises his hands, allowing the crowd to answer.]

Crowd: …PARTS UNKNOWN!

[Slush looks around, eyes thin.]

Slush: You all look like “Andy Griffith Show” rejects.

[Slush climbs into the back of the hot rod but as a parting gift, he moons the entire crowd. Women scream in terror to see the lily white flesh of his hind quarters.]

Slush: That ought to screw with their sensibilities. Drive on Angus!

[The engine of the hot rod revs up, the tires burn out and soon they’re gone. The camera pans back to see their version of Bob’s Big Boy Restaurant... complete with a luchador mask on the giant ass statue. And we fade to logo...]

THE MIGHTY BASTARD CHAMPIONSHIP

PRESENTS

THE UNNAMED BASTARD SHOW

EPISODE SEVEN: PARKS UNKNOWN IN DA HOUSE~! HOLLA~!

or ALL HAIL THE CLEANING POWER OF OXYGEN!

[The logo fades to a bird's eye view of what one can assume to be the fairgrounds of this, Parts Unknown. To the north stands a Ferris wheel, old yet vibrant and well-oiled and filled with teenagers who are either making out or scared [MEEP]less. To the west, a midway arcade alive with the dings and lings of ring toss, horse racing and Beebee guns firing at cartoon bears and cactuses. To the east, pen upon pen house various assortments of livestock, enough so to justify thanking God that we are downwind. To the south, the women folk are competing for the prized blue ribbon for their oh so delicious pies, cakes and assorted baked goods. Somewhere among them, someone is making BBQ while someone else is deep frying something to stop even the healthiest heart. And in the middle?

There sits a ring adorned in silver and gold. Surrounding that ring are hundreds upon hundreds of fans wearing masks and face paint of a thousand different colors. And in that ring stands a man in a vivid blue suit, a vibrant red shirt and a blinding yellow tie. His mask bears these same three primary colors and yes, the mask is simply magnificent.

The man?

The mayor of Parts Unknown and the owner and operator of the MBC-Parts Unknown territory...

...BASTARDS MAGNIFICO~!]

BM: HOLA MI AMIGOS Y AMIGAS! WELCOME TO...

[The crowd finishes his welcome all in unison...]

Crowd: PARTS UNKNOWN!!!

BM: Tonight will be like no other my friend! We, as members of this bastardly union of bastards, will take our place among the other territories! TONIGHT, WE WILL JOIN THE BADTARDSHIP OF THE RING!

[The fans cheer wildly, their sense of history strong and everlasting.]

BM: We shall take our place and send our champion! And to officiate this momentous occasion, please welcome the Heralds of the Bastardnomicon!

[The shredding sounds of surf style guitar rips through the fairground sound system and from the entrance comes the wild hot rod seen earlier. In it are Pinhead and Slush. A relaxed Pinhead has come to accept this nicer form of crazy while Slush looks like a cat in a room full of laser pointers and slingshots. They disembark and take their spots at the commentary table at ringside.]

BM: Welcome my friends to...

Slush: Yeah, yeah. I heard the name the first million times. You have a whole radio station dedicated to it.

Pinhead: Be nice Slush. These are the people who rescued us from the rabid hyenas in Styx.

Slush: Really? How can you be sure that we're not in some Beaver Cleaver wet dream version of Hell? Or New Mexico?

[Slush turns to Magnifico.]

Slush: Are we in New Mexico?

BM: No.

Slush: Georgia. I saw peaches earlier. We're in Georgia aren't we?

BM: No.

Slush: Then where are we?

BM: PARTS UNKNOWN!

Slush: And where is that?

Pinhead: Unknown.

Slush: You're not helping.

Pinhead: I like this place. And I like New Mexico. I spent a Christmas in Santa Fe one year and it was fantastic.

Slush: Bored now.

Pinhead: Regardless, we're in a far better place than we were. And people here aren't insane.

[Slush turns to look in the crowd, a sea of face paint and luchador masks.]

Slush: Really? I don't see a single actual face for miles.

BM: But you are wrong Senor Danza. Here in Parts Unknown the masks and adornments are a true reflection of our people. It is when we go without those that we truly wear a mask.

[Slush stares a hole into Magnifico.]

Slush: Can I punch him in the face Pinhead?

Pinhead: At your own peril.

Slush: When the time is right... when the time is right....

Pinhead: So why don't you tell us about MBC-Parts Unknown Señor Magnifico.

BM: We Unknowninites have long been fans and supporters of the beautiful fight.

Slush: Unknowninites?

BM: This love exists at every level. The top sport at Parts Unknown High School is wrestling you see.

Slush: Dare I ask the mascot?

BM: The Warriors.

Slush: Surprisingly simple.

Pinhead: So you were saying varsity wrestling is your top high school sport?

BM: Oh we don't call that level varsity.

Pinhead: You don't?

BM: Freshmen play at the "Dingo" level, sophomores at "Power" and juniors and seniors at "Ultimate."

Slush: Shoot me.

BM: We're very proud of our Ultimate Warriors. Big hopes of going to state this year.

Slush: And what state is that?

BM: Yes.

Pinhead: Please, tell us more about the territory.

BM: When the assets of the MBC went up for sale, the city invested in purchasing one of the rings. We are a territory founded by the people for the people.

Slush: Meaning?

BM: Every citizen is on the roster. Matches can be made at any time and be held any place as long as Judge is there to officiate.

Pinhead: Judges being referees?

BM: Of the highest order. We did not want any part of the referees from the RUTABAGA referee’s union.

Slush: So any random street fight in the city could be a match?

BM: Yes. All are bound by the Parts Unknown Honor Code, handed down to us on the Tablets of Law which were presented to us at the twin peaks of Mount Santo and Mount Mascares.

Slush: So that pink witch on the scooter? The one with the poodle skirt and mask? She is a wrestler?

BM: La Diabla Rosa! Our Hardcore Champion!

Slush: I want to go home now.

BM: Why would anyone want to leave...

[Magnifico stands, arms going out from his side and to the crowd. And oh, how they respond...]

Crowd: PARTS UNKNOWN!

Slush: Seriously. Home. Now.

Pinhead: Relax Slush. For once on our trip through the territories, I don't feel like my life is being threatened.

[Before the banter can continue any further, "Ozar Midrashim" by Kurt Harland blasts out over the numerous sound speakers set up throughout the fairgrounds. It’s not just those around the ring but in the midway, at the Ferris wheel and throughout the pens of the stockyards. There is no mistake that someone wants attention.]

BM: NO! Now is not the scheduled time for shenanigans!

Slush: The best shenanigans are spontaneous...

[Slush pounds the space where theoretically, his heart beats.]

Slush: ...from here. Peace to my homeys! Much love to Captain Beefheart!

[First from the entrance comes a man dressed in a finely tailored black suit, black silk shirt and orange silk tie. The manner of dress isn't likely to give his identity away but the Bastard Stampede Frontier Union Championship belt slung over his shoulder and large burn scar on one side of his face should.]

Slush: Not ringing any bells.

Pinhead: "The Burning Man" Kirk Houston, leader of Scorched Earth and dominate force in Bastard Stampede.

Slush: You people keep bringing that place up like it was relevant. You want to know what's relevant? Pumpkin pie. And bacon. Together.

[Behind Houston are his cohorts, or if you will, underlings. Dressed just as her boss with her hair pulled tight into a bun is the exotic Black Madison. Behind her is the masked martial artist known only as The Shifter. Rounding the group out is Jefferson "Sky Slasher" McKeid, wearing a black button up shirt with the sleeves pushed up. His orange tie is loose, similar in nature to his scruffy hair and Lemmy inspired beard. The look screams high class thug.]

BM: This is not how I wanted to start the show.

Slush: Whatever. Can someone in this town bring me a bacon wrapped pie?

[The four members of Scorched Earth enter the ring and await an attendant to bring a microphone. Only one is needed for only the one has a message to be delivered. Houston takes the mic and addresses the fair goers.]

KH: This is a prime opportunity to give a state of the union for Parts Unknown. While I'm sure our magnanimous mayor could deliver a similar address, there would be no truth in it. There would be none of his precious honor.

BM: How dare he!

Slush: Are we about to have a poetry slam?

[Houston continues.]

KG: The culture of Parts Unknown is predicated on this same honor yet it too is colored with lies. As the Frontier Union Champion, I am the rightful representative and champion for the Parts Unknown territory. That is honor bound. And I am honor bound. But I find that honor to be in question. Not mine but that of this territory.

[The crowd gives a collective gasp as this man dares, DARES question the honor of Parts Unknown.]

Slush: Wow, so you can still insult people like that? How Victorian.

KH: I am the champion, _your_ champion. No one sits higher than he with the belt, both in commanding fear and respect. I have defended this title consistently and frequently, demolishing all who dare step before me. But am I the one that you masked idiots look up to? Am I the one you fear?

No.

That belongs to the man who sits in his house at the top of Helwig Hill.

The Hard Master.

[The crowd goes berserk at the mention of The Hard Master’s name. In reply Houston can only give a look of disdain.]

KH: Week after week, your mindless devotion to The Hard Master drives home the fact that your honor bound ways are nothing but hypocrisy. No place was it better exemplified than at the recent Bastard Olympics were The Hard Master personally disrespected me in event after event. Not only was this an attack on me but my compatriots. The Hard Master worked his vile ways against McKeid and The Shifter.

[The two play along with the rhetoric, nodding.]

KG: Nor was The Hard Master alone in his disrespect of the honor code. The so called Beautiful Master struck at our lovely Madison with contempt and vile intent.

[Black Madison gives a silent amen, all the while the crowd is buying none of it.]

KG: For far too long, these Masters have held dominion over the hearts and minds of Parts Unknown. They sit in their houses on the outskirts of town as watchers, not as citizens nor as members of the roster.

Yet, they are treated as Gods in this land.

[Houston turns to point specifically at Mayor Magnifico.]

KG: All this is behavior founded and perpetuated by your elected leader. These false Gods should answer for their transgressions, not just against us but you all, the sheep of Parts Unknown.

[For a moment you think the crowd answers with "bah" but yes, it's "boo."]

BM: While it is true that both Masters are not citizens, they are valued members of the community.

Pinhead: Obviously there's some jealousy here.

Slush: Obviously these Masters are grade A [MEEP]holes. Get the torches and pitchforks!

KM: When the MBC was broken into its raw components, the territories were born. On that day a deal was struck that bound the Bastard Stampede Frontier Union Championship to Parts Unknown. And as the champion, I am honor bound to represent this territory in the Bastardship of the Ring. But answer me Mister McAllister, what if a representative refuses to enter the tournament and the territory is left without one to carry its banner?

The tournament falls apart because the territories have failed to come together and according to your book, ”something very bad” will happen. And though you do not know what that “bad thing” is, you fear it as if it were the end of your very world. You dare not risk it. You need the territories. You need their representatives.

You need _me_.

BM: No./. he wouldn’t.

KH: It comes to this gentlemen. Honor clearly has no meaning in this place. If I am to be dishonored by the people and associates of this territory then it seems only fair that I return the favor. I will not be participating in the Bastardship of the Ring. And unless of course this territory wishes to break its honor code again, there will be no reprsentative.

There will be no tournament.

The territories will not come together.

And as your book says, there will be very, very bad things to come.

Pinhead: Can he really do this?

BM: He breaks our honor code and knows we cannot do the same! We are not on his level! This is a slap to the face!

[The crowd, so enraged starts throwing trash. Clearly this is what Houston wanted. Mayor Bastardo Magnifico stands and begins to roll up his sleeves.]

KH: Sit down your honor. You embarrass yourself. This obviously upsets you but you can’t out wrestle me. You can’t out brawl me. You can’t outsmart me. You are decidedly stuck. But I am not unreasonable Mayor. What I want is simple.

[Houston smiles wicked and wide.]

KH: I want the Masters, here in this ring. The Beautiful Master to face Black Madison and The Hard Master to face me. Let’s say I even put the Frontier Union Championship on the line. If he is truly the champion of the hearts and minds of Parts Unknown then let him take the title that proves it.

Pinhead: Oddly, that doesn’t sound unreasonable.

BM: But I cannot force the Masters to do this!

KH: Until the Masters agree to my terms, there will be problems Mayor. And I assure you, things will only get worse.

["Ozar Midrashim" by Kurt Harland resumes as the collective group of Scorched Earth depart. The fans boo them incessantly, trash still flying at them. None of the group seem to care.]

Pinhead: So he can really hold up Parts Unknown like this? Can’t you strip him or name a new representative?

BM: That is not how we do things in Parts Unknown. As the champion, _he_ is to be our representative, rudo as he is.

Pinhead: I don’t know what this “bad thing” will be, but he’s right. We can’t let it happen.

BM: There is only one option.

Slush: Toga party?

BM: No... we need a hero.

Slush: Sweet! Are we going to hear a bad 80’s montage song? Tina Turner’s Thunderdome hair and all?

BM: Someone must make the hero's quest and seek the Masters. Convince them they must come to these fairgrounds and fight.

Slush: NOT IT!

Pinhead: It wouldn't be you even in a Uwe Boll movie.

BM: It must be you Señor McAllister.

Pinhead: Me?

BM: You possess the Bastardnomicon. Surely the Masters will listen to he who has the power.

Slush: Greyskull! Woot woot!

BM: It is... your destiny.

Pinhead: I guess there is no choice. Where can I find the Masters?

BM: First you must go to Helwig Hill. Follow the signs and soon you will find yourself there.

[Pinhead sighs and stands. He pulls off his headset and look into the doe like, big anime eyes of the nearby fans. They count on him to succeed. Is this the main event push pinhead always wanted? A whole promotion on his shoulders?]

Pinhead: Smoke me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfast.

[Pinhead makes his way to the back, and soon he is gone in the night.]

BM: What a guy.

Slush: Here I thought we were above referencing Red Dwarf.

BM: ...

Slush: ...

BM: ...

Slush: So...

BM: ...

Slush: You’re not a long lost Marshall sibling under that mask are you? The odds say I'm due to find another.

BM: LET US DO A MATCH!

[From the fairground sound system comes what you would call generic music straight out of the 70’s. It happens a lot you know. Bad disco. Bad movies. Bad porn. Well, even some good porn depending on what sort of connoisseur you are. Regardless of that, what you next see are two men, so similar in nature that you would swear up and down that they are twins. Both are sweaty, balding, hairy and wearing far too much gold and far too little clothing over their chests. As they walk to the ring, the good Mayor takes up the house microphone and gives the two the proper introductions.]

BM: Introducing first and hailing from the south side of Parts Unknown they are Franco and Hector Goodson. Together they are...

…BUENOS EXCELLENTES!

Slush: Really?

BM: Really.

Slush: Really?

BM: Yes, really.

Slush: Are we just going for all things obscure tonight?

BM: Excuse me, I’ve got the other team to...

[Fanfare~!

The sound of Latin flavored horns fill your ears and the fairground sound system, cutting off the mayor before he can make his announcement.

Strum~!

The strum of a Spanish guitar sooths your internal beast and all eyes, yes, even yours, race to the entry way. From it come two men dressed in black and trimmed in gold. Their similarly colored sombreros are mighty. Their luchador masks...

...magnificent.

One has an athletic build while the other is big, bruising and just a tad bit hairy. Both hold guitars, ready to play for all in attendance. It is the athletic one who steps forward to speak.]

Luchador: Hola señors, señoras and señoritas. I am Roberto. And with me...

[Magnificent strum~!]

R: ...is the Bear.

[Double magnificent strum~!]

R: And TOGETHER... WE... ARE THE WORLD'S GREATEST MARIACHI JUDAS PRIEST COVER BAND...

[QUADRUPLE STRUM~!]

R: ...LUCHA PRIESTA~!

[And they play, oh how they play. Anyone who has listened to the radio in the last thirty years recognizes the tune, but now it has mariachi flare, guitars and horns. It is Roberto who sings the Spanish lyrics to "Breaking the Law."]

#Ahí estaba totalmente echado a perder, sin trabajo y deprimido#
#Todo en mi interior era tan frustrante mientras vagaba de ciudad en ciudad#
#Me siento como si a nadie le importase si vivo o muero#
#Así que empezaré de una vez a poner algo de acción en mi vida#

#Violando la ley, violando la ley#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#

#Demasiado para el dorado futuro, ni siquiera puedo empezar#
#Me han roto cada promesa, hay rabia en mi corazón#
#No sabeis cómo es, no teneis ni idea#
#Si os pasó os encontrareis también haciendo lo mismo#

#Violando la ley, violando la ley#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#

#No sabeis cómo es...#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#
#Violando la ley, violando la ley#

#Violando la ley...#

[Their cover song done, Roberto and the Bear march to the ring and remove both their sombreros and jackets. Ready to begin the match, they wait in their corner and stare at Buenos Excellentes across the ring from them.]

Slush: You know these guys?

BM: Roberto is the Latin teacher at the Father Shango Catholic School. The Bear is a bartender and dancer at the Azul Oyster Bar.

Slush: So... he's that kind of bear.

BM: We don't judge in Parts Unknown.

Slush: Hey it’s cool. I once worked part time in a Russian circus. Some of my best friends are dancing bears... when they weren't trying to maul me.


**********************************************************
********** PARTS UNKNOWN SHOWCASE **********
**********************************************************
LUCHA PRIESTA vs. BUENOS EXCELLENTES
**********************************************************

[With the presiding judge, AKA the referee, in position, he calls for the legal man with gusto. In steps Franco Goodman and Roberto of Lucha Priesta. The bell rings and the two begin to circle up in the ring. They pause for a moment to look at one another and then they begin to circle again. Franco of Buenos raises a hand to call for a test of strength but Roberto waves his finger in denial. He flicks his hand upward and begins to dance stylishly. What would have been a test of strength becomes a test of... something. Franco tries to dance but it results in a sort of pelvic thrust type move. Roberto is clearly the winner and turns to acknowledge the claps of the fans. Franco takes that opportunity to charge and run Roberto over with a lariat.]

Slush: That was kind of disgusting.

BM: Yes, well... Franco and his brother are known for their somewhat perverse style.

Slush: Are they trying to disgust them into submission?

BM: Amazing how that works, yes?

[Franco yanks Roberto up and throws him into the corner with a scoop slam. Roberto crashes hard into the turnbuckle but the masked mariachi bounces back quickly, leaping at Franco with a drop kick. Roberto is up again and to the ropes, coming off for a leg drop before Franco can get to his feet. Capitalizing on Goodman’s lack of speed, Roberto strikes quickly and often, of course doing it with both flair and machismo.]

BM: And Roberto makes a tag out to The Bear. And Roberto thanks his fans in the front row by blowing kisses.

Slush: Seems to be a lot of dudes in that front row...

BM: Franco does not want to tangle with The Bear. He scrambles... and makes the tag to Hector.

[Fresh combatants now in the ring, Hector and The Bear collide, throwing punches and haymakers with all the flair of a train wreck. The crowd eats it up though. Apparently overweight hairy men fighting is a good way to spend a night on the weekend. And so they continue to fight as such for a while.]

BM: Ah, it appears the The Bear has found the weakness of Buenos Excellentes.

Slush: Wax? Mace? Aerosol spray cheese?

BM: Stamina.

[Soon enough, Hector Goodman starts to slow and breathe heavy. Just by looking at his brother from the outside, Franco starts to do the same. The Bear manages to gain full control allowing his partner Roberto to enter the ring for a bout of double-teaming.]

Slush: Roberto is going high? And The Bear low?

BM: That is their strategy. Their finisher, the Calmante Para el Dolor, is a devastating attack that sends Roberto to the air and leaves The Bear to use his power.

Slush: So what you're saying is that The Bear is a power bottom.

BM: The Bear hoists Hector upon his shoulders! And there is Roberto off the top rope! Spinning heel kick! Excellente!

Slush: I thought the other guy was on Team Excellente?

BM: Roberto covers!

One...





Two...




Three!!! It is done! Magnifico!

Slush: Hold on, I thought you were Magnifico... so confused.

WINNER BY PINFALL: Lucha Priesta
**********************************************************

BM: Lucha Priests defeats Buenos Excellentes to open the night. Fantastico!

Slush: Who the Hell is fantastico?

BM: My cousin. But he is not here. This match was fantastico!

Slush Can someone get me an English-to-whatever the Hell he's speaking dictionary?

[And when no one answers Slush’s plea he sits there. He looks to Bastardo Magnifico who only smiles in return, albeit awkwardly. And that is where things are at.

Awkwardness.

Silence.]

Slush: …

BM: …

Slush: …

BM: …

Slush: So your initials are BM... Tell me, is that a regular thing for you?

[The scene changes from the Parts Unknown Fairgrounds to a much darker, much starker place. Along a dusty road a large gate sits, a brass plate nearby reading “Helwig Hill.” Behind the gate is a steady incline to a large manor, its architecture an odd mix of Chinese pagoda and Scottish castle. Somehow it works, but this is the magic of Parts Unknown. Stuff just works.

A lone figure is seen walking up the hill and nears the door.]

Pinhead: ...couldn’t have dropped me off at the damn door...

[Pinhead approaches the door and takes a moment to work out the wear and tear on his knees. He raises a finger to ring the doorbell, alas, he cannot find one. Instead, a brass ring is attached to both pieces of a double door. The doors themselves are adorned with reliefs of heavenly angels, the kind that would rival any album cover to any hard rocking band from the seventies.

And so, Pinhead knocks.

After a moment's waiting, the right door is answered by a woman with braided hair of a deep red. Her clothes are white with a hint of grey, suggesting just a bit that it is a uniform.]

Woman: May I help you?

Pinhead: Ummm.... yeah... I'm looking for The Hard Master. Is that really his name?

Woman: It is. But he cannot be disturbed during his meditation.

[The woman moves quickly to shut the door but Pinhead inserts his foot just in time.]

Pinhead: No, really. I need to talk to him.

Woman: Sir, remove your foot or I will be forced to break it in thirteen places.

Pinhead: Thirteen? Really?

Woman: I've not mastered the fourteenth chamber yet. Regardless, you need to remove your foot.

[The woman tries to close the door once more. Undaunted, Pinhead jams his foot further.]

Pinhead: It’s important. I've been sent by...

Woman: Yes, yes. Bastardo Magnifico. Do you know how many salesmen he sends to Helwig Hill?

Pinhead: Listen, the Bastardnomicon says that...

Woman: I've kicked out plenty of people pushing their Mormon-nomicons already so...

[From a distant ways inside the manor...]

GONG~!!!

[…the unmistakable sound grants the scarlet haired woman a moment's pause.]

Woman: The Hard Master has summoned you.

[The door is opened for Pinhead so he may enter. The woman bows graciously and leads him to their destination...

...beyond.]

Pinhead: So is The Hard Master rich or what?

[Fade.]

Slush: How large exactly is Parts Unknown?

BM: Depends on the day.

Slush: How does that even make sense?

BM: There are outside force that wish to make the unknown known.

Slush: You know, I’d just be fine if you said it was “[MEEP]ing huge.” I could live with that. I’m not picky.

BM: Really?

Slush: Okay, I am. But that’s not my point. Just give me straight answers.

BM: Sí.

Slush: Sea as in the body of water or C as in the letter? Or are you talking about vision? MAKE SENSE DAMNIT!

[We open to a shot of a strange landscape. It appears to be both desert and tundra. Mountain and forest. Arid and pluvial. Polar, tropical and equatorial all at once. It's almost as if these parts were...unknown!

The camera then cuts to a large group of people, led by a youthful, wide-eyed, babyfaced and naive-looking Japanese girl...with an Olympic gold medal around her neck. We immediately recognize her as the prodigy of Perfect Girl Evolution...

Ayako Fujiwara.]

Ayako: (We're almost there! Just a few more steps and we'll be back home in the Crystal Cathedral!)

[Her followers all clear their throats.]

Ayako: (...of Chaos.)

[They grunt their approval.]

Ayako: (It was nice to see all the girls again, but we just have so much to do. I mean, Parts unknown isn't going to takeover itself.)

[A sigh.]

Ayako: (What were the directions again?)

[She frowns for a moment.]

Ayako: (Oh, right! I remember now.)

[She begins walking...and walking...and walking...]

Ayako: (Four rights...)

[Wait, isn't that just a circle?]

Ayako: (...a left at the giant rock formation that resembles The Goblin Queen press slamming a dragon...)

[It looks more like a giant rock formation that resembles Tesla St. James powerbombing a unicorn, to be honest.]

Ayako: (...close your eyes...)

[Ayako closes her eyes and does a twirl.]

Ayako: (...a pirouette...)

[She leaps into the air.]

Ayako: (...one great leap forward...)

[We cut to a close-up of her face as she opens her eyes.]

Ayako: (And you'll find yourself in...)

"PARTS UNKNOWN!"

[Her eyes open wide in surprise as the camera cuts over to the source of the interrupting voice.

Miyuki Ozaki.

Suddenly, we're INSIDE a building. A cathedral. Made of crystal. Is it chaotic?

That's yet to be determined.

Yet, the Queen of Osaka is seated at the far end of the room in what can only be assumed to be Ayako's throne. Standing beside her is a nervous-looking Yumi, wearing a child's harness. Behind her, is a large painting in the image of Michelangelo's "The Creation of Adam", with Ayako stretching her arm out towards Miyuki, as the two prepare to touch fingers.

From Ayako's throng of followers comes a frantic scream...]

"IT'S THE MOTHER GODDESS!!!"

[Almost immediately, all of Ayako's followers prostrate at Miyuki's feet.]

Ayako: ACK!

Miyuki: (Well...you're certainly late.)

[There's no reaction from Ayako, as she slowly...carefully inches her way out the door and shuts it behind her. She silently counts to three and reopens the door, carefully peeking into the room.]

"PARTS UNKNOWN!"

Ayako: ACK!

[Miyuki gives her an annoyed look.]

Miyuki: (Is this some sort of weird, customary Parts Unknown greeting that I don't know about? Because...it's kinda' annoying.)

[She looks around at the large mass of humanity that continues to grovel before her.]

Miyuki: (At least you have your lowly worms well-trained.)

Ayako: (Why are you here? How is it possible that you got here before me? How do you even know where this place is??? It's literally...UNKNOWN! And who let you into the Crystal Cathedral of Chaos!?)

[Miyuki covers her mouth and stifles a yawn.]

Miyuki: (Do you really want to hear the boring details of how I was able to locate an uncharted area of the world, get there before the people who actually know where it is, and then breach your impenetrable defenses?)

[Ayako thinks it over for a second.]

Ayako: (No...I guess not.)

[She shakes her head.]

Ayako: (No, forget that...why are you here!? We KNOW where the Bastardnomicon is now! Why aren't we going after it? I thought that was where you were headed after the Bastard Olympics ended! The book could be in our possession as we speak!)

[Suddenly, a horrified look forms on Ayako's face.]

Ayako: (Wait a minute...you're here to claim me for Twinkletoes Tiwilliger, aren't you!? How could you!?! I thought I was your favorite! Why me!? Why not Yumi!? She's drugged out and expendable now!)

Yumi: (I'm not on drugs!)

[Miyuki dismisses her concerns with a wave of her hand.]

Miyuki: (Oh come on now, Ayako, you were never in any danger. Did you think I'd so easily sacrifice one of my precious students?)

[She snorts.]

Miyuki: (I have binders full of women!)

[She seems oddly proud of that.]

Ayako: (Then if not any of us...who'd you set him up with?)

Miyuki: (I gave him Scottie Saratoga's number.)

Ayako: (But she's not part of Perfect Girl Evolution!)

[Miyuki rolls her eyes.]

Miyuki: (The hell she isn't. I send her a big, fat royalty check for our animated series every month that says otherwise. Sure, it's "Trinity is so awesome!" this and "Taylor McKenzie isn't actually an
emotionless robot masquerading as what space aliens think human females act like!" that...but the moment you miss a payment, guess who's complaining!)

[Yumi ponders outloud what everyone is thinking...]

Yumi: (But isn't Scottie...you know.)

[She makes the sign of an "X" by crossing her arms in front of herself.]

Miyuki: (I like to believe that people are able to find love, no matter what obstacles may stand in their way.)

[She narrows her eyes.]

Miyuki: (Also...[Meep!] that bitch.)

[Oh...well that explains everything. Everyone nods their head in agreement. [Meep!] Scottie, indeed.]

Ayako: (And why did you bring Yumi along!?)

[She points at her dojomate, held by the child harness, sipping on a juice box.]

Miyuki: (You think I'm going to allow Yumi to run wild and free after what happened at the Bastard Olympics? I refuse to have one of my students waste their lives away strung out high on drugs like a professional wrestling color commentator! The only thing she should be high on is life! Until Yumi has been properly detoxed, she won't be leaving my sight!)

[The diminutive redhead stomps her foot in protest.]

Yumi: (But I told you! I'm not on drugs! I was framed!)

[Miyuki pats her on the head.]

Miyuki: (Oh, my poor little Yumi...still lying to your master while in the after-effects of your pill-popping haze. Just drink your juice box...we'll clean that poison out of your system, yet!)

Yumi: (I'm innocent! I won that gold medal fair and square! Come on Ayako, back me up, here!)

[...]

Ayako: (Forget about Yumi and her terrible addictions!...what about the book?)

Yumi: (Hey!)

Miyuki: (Oh Ayako, I thought you were a genius. Didn't you realize that getting the book was never the true goal?)

Ayako and Yumi: (WHAT!?)

[Miyuki frowns.]

Miyuki: (Okay, maybe it originally was, but after meeting up with all of you in Styx and saving the world by winning at Monopoly...now I realize it wasn't really about destroying MBC or holding the meaningless lives of these wretched creatures in the palms of our hands...NO! It was about the journey for you girls to mature, grow and to finally fulfill your potential!)

[She leaps off the throne and lands right in front of Ayako.]

Miyuki: (I mean, just look at how much you've accomplished since I set you out on your own!)

[She taps the medal worn around Ayako's neck.]

Miyuki: (You won an Olympic Gold medal!)

[She looks around at all the groveling worms at her feet.]

Miyuki: (You formed your own cult! You...)

[She looks around the room.]

Miyuki: (...you even have your own Crystal Cathedral!)

[Ayako glares at Miyuki and clears her throat.]

*Ahem*

Miyuki: (...of Chaos.)

[Grunts of approval.]

Ayako: (Oh come on, it's not THAT big of an accomplishment. The Crystal Cathedral of Chaos was already here when I got to Parts Unknown. All I really did was overthrow the warlord that occupied it...)

[A cry of "DEATH TO ZOLTHAR THE INVINCIBLE!" can be heard amongst the cult.]

Miyuki: (It's still something to be proud of, Ayako! But now I'm here to make sure you become something even greater than what you already are.)

[A devilish grin.]

Miyuki: (We will make you...a champion!)

[Ayako holds up her gold medal.]

Ayako: (But I'm already a champion?)

Miyuki: (Pffft...in "amateur" wrestling.)

[Miyuki takes out a bottle of 5-hour Energy from seemingly out of thin air and gulps the thing down.]

Miyuki: (It's time for us to train!)

[Ayako's face immediately pales.]

Ayako: Eep.

[The scene then fades out as the words...

"SEVERAL DAYS LATER"

...appear on the screen. We fade into a close-up shot of Miyuki filing her nails, a bored look on her face. The bleach-blonde beauty is moving up and down, counting along as she goes up...]

"Eighty-eight"

[Up and down.]

"Eighty-nine"

[Up and...suddenly the movement stops.]

Miyuki: (Why did you stop?)

[The shot pulls back, where we see we're still in the throne room, with Miyuki seated atop Ayako's back, while Ayako is in the middle of doing push-ups. Seated on the throne is Yumi, still sipping on a juice box. Ayako's followers stand there watching the whole spectacle.]

Ayako: (Do we really have to do this in front of everybody?)

Miyuki: (Of course we do.)

[...]

Ayako: (In swimsuits?)

Miyuki: (The DVD sales will be through the roof!)

Ayako: *sigh*

[Fade out.]

Slush: So my would be brides are into cults... good to know...

BM: I do not think those women have any attraction to you.

Slush: It’s not about looks. It’s how I’m equipped.

BM: And you are...?

Slush: Mad loot yo! The things I’ve gathered in my life would blow your mind. You see all the people behind you?

BM: I do.

Slush: They’d totally be covered in your brains because your mind would be blown OUT THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD!

BM: What if it blew forward?

Slush: Wait? What?

BM: Why would my mind blow in that direction only? Couldn’t it blow in any direction?

Slush: What the Hell are you talking about?

BM: You asked me a question and I gave you an answer.

Slush: You gave me crap!

BM: I was warned you were a pouter.

Slush: If that’s all you were warned about then, I’m warning you now... I hope you’re up to date on your vaccinations.

[The camera opens on what appears to be a park... only it's a park where a lot of people are walking around wearing masks.

Well, except for one person, who is seated in front of an easel, doing painting on a canvas. This person would be Amazing Grace. She wears no mask, of course... she does wear a smock over a red blouse and blue jeans.

She stops her painting to turn to address the camera.]

AG: I know what you're thinking... what in the world would bring me to such a place as Parts Unknown. Well, let's just say it's a pretty laid-back location, the right place for me to further explore my favorite hobby.

[Beat.]

AG: And exploring my favorite hobby is exactly what I need to keep myself focused. Believe me, it was hard for me to stay focused on the MBC Olympics when I knew Holly Hotbody was all over the place in Styx and that I still have unfinished business to settle with her.

Of course, it might have helped not having that Roy Beam and his cronies insisting security cameras be installed in my hotel room as Holly's request and that security be beefed up at any event I was at lest Holly want to observe the proceedings herself.

[A sigh.]

AG: But there will be another time for me to settle things, that I can promise you.

In the meantime, I not only get to pursue my favorite hobby, but I get the chance to vie for a championship... I know enough about Gloria Butler to know that she improved quite a bit during her run with Bastard Stampede and that she's made a fine champion, but I do hope she understands what she's getting herself into when she faces me. Perspective may have allowed me to drop a lot of grudges, but I'm still a bastard at heart.

[A smile.]

AG: Of course, it's not just Butler I have to deal with... two of Japan's finest are going to be in the ring with me as well. I don't know a lot about Ayako Fujiwara, but I know enough about what they teach wrestlers in Japan to know that she's going to be well prepared.

But I have seen Goblin Queen in action... no question she's got the size advantage. Yet size alone does not ensure one of victory, no matter how much her loudmouth manager may claim otherwise.

[A nod.]

AG: I've been around long enough to know what it takes to win a championship. I'm not that far removed from winning the Empress Cup. Most of all, I know a thing or two about bastardism, so the question is... just how much do my opponents know about that.

[Another smile.]

AG: I guess we'll find out, won't we?

[Fade out.]

Slush: I suppose Amazing Grace is nice and all. But you know, it’s not as fun watching her talk without Pinhead here.

BM: And why is that?

Slush: Because I know he has a crush on her. And I like to rub that in his face.

BM: Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?

Slush: That is a plot he concocted to make Grace jealous. Or Pinhead is just gay.

BM: I think he’s just an intensely private man.

Slush: Yes, and if we leave intensely private people alone they’ll eventually turn their underwear into bombs or pee in a bucket and call it art.

BM: Our next match features some of the very best women in our sport.

Slush: You obviously went to the Skullhead school of generic announcing.

BM: Cabeza de la Calavera! He is my idol!

Slush: What does he have to do with Skullhead?

BM: So our match features the defense of the Bastard Stampede Women’s Championship, the official Women’s Championship of Parts Unknown.

Slush: You were too cheap to have a new title belt made weren’t you.

BM: We respect the lineage and legacy of those that came before us. Bastard Stampede has a rich history.

Slush: Yes, rich enough that Stephanie Harper, who ran Stampede, didn’t want them.

BM: I cannot fault Señorita Harper for wanting to create something new.

Slush: Oh, I can fault her for many things. Including the Fiscal Cliff... whatever that is.

BM: Gloria Butler, a young spitfire and powerhouse, overcame The Goblin Queen to claim the title. Tonight the Goblin Queen seeks to reclaim the title. Not only that, two incredible talents, Amazing Grace and Ayako Fujiwara are vying for the title as well.

Slush: This match is going to get bloody isn’t it.

[Fade in, on what appears to be a cozy little breakfast nook. There is a crystal vase on the table, holding three roses -- one white, one pink, one yellow. Off to one end sits one Gordon J. Dutt, currently wearing a maroon smoking jacket, matching slippers and silk slacks and a satisfied smirk of smugness. He lifts a china cup and takes a sip, pinkie finger extended.]

GJD: There is nothing more calming than a cup of Assam in the morning. It truly is the civilized way to start one's day. [A small sigh escapes Gordon. Still looking like the cat who ate the canary, he sets his cup down and reaches out to idly stroke the roses.] A fitting luxury before the coming war. Yes, _war_...

[He plucks the white rose from the vase and inhales deeply, savoring the scent with a slick leer.]

GJD: Pretty Child Ayako...ah, Her Majesty remembers you quite vividly. [A soft, ugly chuckle escapes Dutt.] Angels and Amazons, part of Miyuki Ozaki's so-called "Perfect Girl Evolution"...there you were! With eyes so wide and fearful -- and thighs so luscious. [He starts to pull the fragile white petals off one by one.] You thought you could hide from the Queen's grasp back then. [Dutt tsks, shaking his head] Foolish, pretty child...what She wants, She ALWAYS gets!

[Gordon flashes a disgusting grin, then picks up the yellow rose.]

GJD: Oh, and how sweet the sight of Amazing Grace! That craves a letch like me... [Dutt waves the rose like it was a conductor's baton] You are but a squatter here in Parts Unknown, dear sweet saving Grace. Perhaps some prayers and homilies in Her Majesty's name will soothe Her savage breasts and grant you mercy. Perhaps, if you deliver them to me personally, I could even put in a good word or two for you! Just... [Gordon's bottom lip quivers. He gropes the rose eagerly, crushing the tender bloom between his fingers.] ...get down on your knees. I'm sure you're already _quite_ good at that.

[Another sick smirk pops up on his face.]

GJD: And that just leaves us now with our little miss Gloria Butler.

[Dutt sighs sadly, shrugging.]

GJD: Lovely, lovely Gloria, so young, so sad to see you plucked before your prime! [He takes out the lonely last pink rose from the vase] But you are the usurper, morning Gloria. The pale pretender to the Goblin Queen's throne. Nothing will save you from Her fury. And NOTHING will stop Her from reclaiming Her belt! Ahhh... [Dutt lingers over the rose, taking one last sniff before tossing it away like so much garbage.] At least you'll leave a beautiful corpse.

[Grinning, Gordon picks up his tea cup again and takes a sip.]

GJD: For now though, my choice little lambs, savor this calm before the storm. The Queen is growing hungry...

[The camera pans over to the other side of the table finally. There sits the Goblin Queen, her crooked teeth tearing into the thick T-Bone steak she clutches with her massive hands, grilled just to the point of rare and still purple. She growls as the blood-red juices drip down her chin.]

GJD: [grinning evilly] ...and only total victory will quench Her appetite.

[Fade out.]

**********************************************************
********** PARTS UNKNOWN SHOWCASE **********
**********************************************************
BASTARD STAMPEDE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP
GLORIA BUTLER ( c ) vs THE GOBLIN QUEEN
vs AMAZING GRACE vs. AYAKO FUJIWARA
**********************************************************

[Magnifico stands and takes up the house microphone.]

BM: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a FOUR WAY DANCE for the BASTARD STAMPEDE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE. Challenger number one, representing Perfect Girl Evolution, here is AYAKO FUJIWARA!

["Hustle like a Lady" by Dev plays as we first see Miyuki Ozaki emerge from the entrance, leading Yumi around by the leash of her child harness. Following behind, carried on a throne by several of her followers is a somewhat embarrassed-looking Ayako Fujiwara, who simply keeps her head lowered as a loud, vocal portion of the crowd probably made up mostly of her cult cheers her on. She reluctantly lifts her hand and waves at them, leading to a massive chant...]

"SUPLEX! SUPLEX! SUPLEX!"

"SUPLEX! SUPLEX! SUPLEX!"

"SUPLEX! SUPLEX! SUPLEX!"

Slush: Ah, my women!

[As Ayako’s throne is set down and she is escorted into the ring, Miyuki walks by the commentary table and gives Magnifico a polite nod. She ignores Slush completely as she takes Pinhead’s chair and directs for Yumi to sit. Reluctantly, she does so, sipping on a juice box.]

Slush: Hey there.

[Yumi picks up her chair and moves it three feet away.]

Slush: Oooh, feisty.

BM: The second challenger, hailing from Detroit, Michigan, she is a former Psycho Driver Tag Team Champion. Here is AMAZING GRACE!

[“Ray of Light” by Madonna takes over the fairground sound system, bringing out the mentioned women’s wrestler. Though the chants of “Suplex die down, the popular Amazing Grace is welcomed with just as long a reception. She slaps the hands of a few lucky fans before she slides into the ring and awaits the rest of her opponents.]

Slush: Pinhead, wherever you are, let me just say that yes, Grace is an attractive woman. I won’t lie. I’d objectify her like any other pretty lady.

[He pauses.]

Slush: But my mind isn’t going where you’ve gone before.

[He pauses again, shivering at a sudden thought.]

Slush: You’re such a pervert Pinhead!

BM: The final challenger, hailing from Hiroshima, Japan she is a former Bastard Stampede Women’s Champion. Here is... THE GOBLIN QUEEN!

[“Maladise” by Nunchaku starts to play and the monstrous Goblin Queen, accompanied by Gordon J. Dutt, stomps down to the ring. Most fans jeer and boo her but it is of no consequence to the former champion. Her task and focus are simple, kill the pretty.]

Slush: I’ve often wondered when she’ll come to destroy me.

[Slush sighs.]

Slush: Oh, the perils of being beautiful.

[The Queen enters the ring and settles in, only by her tolerance of Dutt. She stares holes into Ayako and Grace as the three of them patiently wait for the champion.]

DM: And finally, your champion, Hailing from Chicago, Illinois... GLORIA BUTLER!

[Jerry Cantrell’s “Devil by Her Side” takes over the sound system, heralding the champion, Gloria Butler. She pops out of the entrance way, excited and pumped to defend her title. The fans cheer wildly more so as she hoists the Women’s Championship into the air. Down the aisle she comes, quickly entering the ring to hand off the belt. But before the strap can leave the tips of her fingers, the Queen charges at Ayako.]

Slush: NO! NOT MY PRETTY WOMAN!

BM: Not necessarily unexpected. The Goblin Queen may have additional umbrage with Ayako.

Slush: Is that a board game? Or one you play with cards?

BM: The Goblin Queen is a very difficult woman to move. Rare, if at all, can she be taken off her feet via suplex. Ayako has done it before as has Gloria Butler

Slush: I could sweep her off her feet. Does that count?

BM: Butler, Fujiwara and the Queen are exceptionally strong. And though Grace may not have that strength, she’ll outdo every one of them in speed and agility. This will be an interesting contest.

[With the Queen coming after Ayako, both Grace and Butler move in against her highness, not because of any sort of sympathy or loyalty to Fujiwara but simply because it’s the smart thing to do. The Goblin Queen is by far the strongest and most brutal of the four competitors and both common sense and common knowledge dictate and understand that to walk out of this match with the championship is to go through the Queen. The three women attack the Queen at once, forcing her into the corner and pinpointing perceived spots of weakness.]

Slush: Shouldn’t they like... go after the champion?

BM: As good as Butler is, the Queen is the biggest threat. Surely you understand that.

Slush: All you people are stuck up on beauty. Deep on the inside, the Queen just wants to be loved.

[Of course, one would not think that given the gnashing of teeth and clawing of flesh coning from the Queen. The Hiroshima native roars like the monster she is portrayed to be and lashes out violently and wildly at her opponents. Butler, Fujiwara and Grace all take it on the chin so to speak but to slay dragons, one must get burned sometimes. Of course that doesn't stop Ayako from backing away from the Queen for the smallest of seconds to German Suplex Amazing Grace.]

BM: Fujiwara leaves Butler on her own to deal with the Queen. She covers! The judge starts the count!

One...



Barely two before Grace gets a shoulder up.

Slush: You know Grace does have nice shoulders...

BM: Butler lets the Queen loose to go after Ayako! She gets blindsided by the Hiroshima Hammer!

[With the Queen pounding into Ayako, Butler and Grace collide, letting Fujiwara to fend for herself. Meanwhile on the outside, Miyuki stands on the outside of the ring, acting as Ayako’s motivating force. With constant shouts of encouragement like "IF YOU LOSE, YOU'RE OUT OF THE FAMILY!" Ayako can’t help but fend for herself against the Queen. Her highness backs Ayako to the corner and continues to hammer away before whipping her across the ring into Butler and Grace. The Queen then charges in, catching both Butler and Grace against the turnbuckle at the same time as Ayako slips away for a breather.]

BM: I would say the Queen is in rare form... but she’s always this mean.

Slush: You know that old fable of the mouse pulling the thorn from the lion’s paw?

BM: I know of it, yes.

Slush: Has anyone checked her paw?

BM: Anyone who has tried is usually mauled.

[As the match continues on, it becomes clear that when Butler, Grace and Ayako remain on the same page, they can be effective in containing the Goblin Queen. But with even the slightest crack, the slightest hint that one may turn on the other in hopes of claiming the match for themselves, the Goblin Queen is unleashed. At one point Grace uses Ayako’s distraction of the Queen to attempt a double underhook suplex on Gloria Butler. But with one hand around Ayako’s throat, the Queen wraps her other around the throat of Grace. With immense strength, the Queen chokeslams them both to the mat with authority. Butler sees the opportunity to strike and moves behind the Queen to attempt a suplex but Gordon J. Dutt grabs hold of the reigning champions boot, keeping her from executing her maneuver. The Queen escapes, turns and unleashes headbutt after headbutt straight to Butler’s face before guerrilla pressing over the top rope...

...THUD~!]

BM: Gloria Butler is bleeding profusely. She may have both a broken nose and multiple lacerations to the face.

Slush: And look at Dutt. He’s being such a gentlemen and helping the woman up.

BM: HE JUST GRABBED HER B... no... I will not dignify what he did by announcing what he did. No gentleman would do that!

Slush: GOOD GOD!

BM: What?

Slush: HER FACE!

BM: That is not a happy face! And its covered in blood!

Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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[Poor, poor Dutt. The things that Butler does to Dutt in that moment... cannot be expressed in text... for they will harm the scholars who someday read these shows. But even in the adrenaline rush of destroying a man that paws her, Gloria Butler must pause for the sudden loss of blood makes her severely light headed.]

BM: The Queen bloodied her so much and so quickly, Butler is out of it. And now both Grace and Fujiwara have to deal with the Queen on their own.

Slush: This is a glorified handicap match.

BM: Good point.

Slush: So can I have that little blue parking pass now? I hate getting tickets when I take those spots at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

[Down possible help, the urgency to take down the Queen only grows for Grace and Fujiwara. What her Highness had done to Butler was only but the opening volley. Her own face covered in her opponent's blood, the Queen first goes to Ayako as she attempts to get to her feet. The Queen grabs a handful of hair and starts driving fist after fist into Ayako face. It almost looks as if the Queen will bite a hunk of flesh from Ayako but in that moment Grace goes from "amazing" to "saving." She knocks the Queen off balance with a missile dropkick to the knee. Grace follows it with another before putting the Queen into a reverse headlock, running up the nearby turnbuckle and taking the monstrous woman down with a tornado DDT.]

BM: Grace dots the mat with the Queen! What impact! She covers!

One...



Two...


The Queen tosses Grace off of her!

Slush: Girlfriend is working those muscles.

[On the outside, Miyuki continues her so called encouragement of Ayako. Really, from the perspective of many onlookers, it’s more like taunts but hey, whatever motivates a person, you know? So after threats of disownment and possible flogging, Ayako shakes off the cobwebs and is quick to strike at the Queen while she is dazed. But the giantess gets to her feet and starts striking back at both Ayako and Grace. She levels Ayako with a clothesline and backs Grace to a corner. The Queen pounds away before attempting to belly to back suplex Grace to the mat. But the smaller woman holds on for dear life, anchoring herself in the corner.]

BM: Amazing Grace’s grip is slipping...

Slush: Good ol’ spit would help that.

BM: The Queen is dazed but that’s not sapping her strength. And here comes Ayako right behind the Queen! Waistlock... and she’s trying a German Suplex...

Slush: Probably the most efficient of suplexes. Those Germans know how to make the good crap.

BM: AND AYAKO HOISTS THE GOBLIN QUEEN UP FOR THE GERMAN SUPLEX...



...WHO TAKES AMAZING GRACE WITH HER!

[CRASH~!]

BM: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO CALL THAT!

Slush: Well Grace was pointing west... Ayako is from the far east.... and you know, the Goblin Queen _is_ kind of a wall. So... you know what, I’ll leave you the groceries. You cook the meal. I can’t do all the work.

BM: Ayako, Grace and the Queen are all hurting. I think Ayako may have pulled something in her back.

Slush: You'd think Miyuki would whip these girls in better shape... with masks... and ball gags...

BM: Here comes Gloria Butler... my lord look at her face...

[To look at Gloria's face, one may think she had gone native with the red that covered every inch, her green eyes standing out with a warrior's gaze. At her feet she goes after Ayako first, dragging her up and tossing her through the ropes to the floor. Next she targets Grace who when dragged up, starts to fight. But Butler puts a boot to her stomach, doubling Grace over. Gloria hoists her up, but the fight continues with Grace dropping punch after punch into Butlers open wound. Butler tries to plant Grace with a power bomb but Grace holds on. It’s not enough to turn the move into a frankensteiner but Grace has enough to maintain a head scissors and latching in on arm bar in hopes of further fatiguing the champion.]

BM: Butler tiring quickly. With her blood loss how can she be standing? The judge raises her arm once...





It falls.

Slush: Are we going back to the Berlin Wall metaphor? I don't really have anything for Butler.

BM: The arm goes up a second time. It falls. Grace is a moment away from winning the title!

Slush: Think she's graceful under pressure? Get it? Get it?

BM: Gloria's arm is raised a third time...


...


...And she keeps it up! The fight hasn't bled out yet!

Slush: Kind of a gross image there.

[Grace tries to reassert her hold on Butler in hopes of another attempt at another knockout. But Butler's fight starts to feed on adrenaline. The head scissors still in place, Gloria manages to hoist Grace back up for a power bomb, this time completing the maneuver. Gloria sits back on her knees, taking a moment to gather herself. But instead of managing to go for a pin she sees the Gobin Queen rebounding off the ropes and nailing her in the face with a massive boot.]

Slush: The Queen is up and pissed! And I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that Dutt may have gotten an involuntary sex change.

BM: Miyuki has Ayako back on her feet… and I think she just slapped Fujiwara to wake her up.

Slush: On the ass? Please be on the ass.

BM: I think you perverted thoughts have woken Gordon J. Dutt.

Slush: Welcome back Gordana, princess of goblin folk and... muffins... yeah...

[Before the Queen can attempt a pin, Ayako rushes back into the ring and hits her with a clothesline. Ayako pulls her up, hammering the back of her neck to keep her at bay. Ayako then manages to Irish Whip her highness to the ropes as Gloria Butler does her best to scramble to her feet. In that second, Butler and Ayako communicate for a bit of a team up just as the Queen comes roaring back. But the best laid plans...]

BM: Here comes the Queen. Butler and Ayako going for a...

...DUTT PULLS AYAKO OUT OF THE RING! BUTLER GETS PLOWED OVER!

Slush: Where'd Dutt get the ring bell?

[CLANG~!]

Slush: Oh! Ayako! Your skull!

BM: Dutt hammers Ayako over the head with the ring bell! Here comes Miyuki! PINK MIST TO THE EYES OF DUTT!

[Even as chaos erupts outside the ring, the judge’s attention is firmly on Butler and the Goblin Queen. He does not see Dutt's pink eyes nor does he hear Miyuki order Yumi to put down her juice box and take out Amazing Grace. The Mistress of the Pink Shower barks at Ayako to get up , but in that time the Queen has regained her power with full intention of taking back her throne.]

BM: The Queen lifts Butler up on her shoulders… ONI CRUSHER!

Slush: Wow, look at that blood flow!

BM: The Queen covers!

One…






Two…





THREE! IT’S OVER! NEW CHAMPION!

WINNER BY PINFALL AND NEW CHAMPION:
The Goblin Queen
**********************************************************

BM: The Queen reclaims her crown and throne.

Slush: The Game of Thrones is never won… or winter is coming. How the Hell does that go? I don’t watch HBO until after midnight. And only if I get board of watching the scrambled Cinemax signal.

BM: Her Highness drags Dutt up and is dragging him away.

Slush: Wow! Did Ayako just German suplex a fan out of frustration?

BM: A few fans just got pink mist out of frustration. AND THEY LOVE IT!

Slush: The fun of being in a cult.

[The view switches from one set of cameras to another, this set somewhere bright and colorful, possibly the Parts Unknown Fairground Midway Arcade. Could it be the nearby ring toss that gives it away? Could it be the giant pink bears that wear butterfly patterned face paint? Or the stuffed animals that carry them?

Standing nearby is a man in a green suit and tie, highlighted with a wood colored shirt and shoes. He’s not new to the MBC. In fact, he’s a bygone relic of the first year. Has anyone missed this man? Has anyone missed Mister Little Plastic Tree?]

LPT: Thanks gentlemen. Here with me are two women who need no introduction.

[Stepping into view are two women wearing vividly colored outfits: pink hot pants, neon yellow tops, blinding orange knee and elbow pads and the brightest damn lime green boots you’ve ever seen. Their hair color would bring shame to the houses of many anime characters. But can they pull it off? Yes, for they are the reigning Psycho Driver Tag Team Champions.

They are Luna and Aurora Cordova.

The New Throbbing Mattress Kittens.]

LC: But we like to hear it because...

AC: …it makes us all tingly.

LPT: So… many are surprised you're in Parts Unknown. In fact, some are surprised you found Parts Unknown to begin with.

LC: We know all about masks, especially...

AC: ...those with the zippers for mouths. But as...

LC: ...the Psycho Driver Tag Team Champions, we defend...

AC: ...the world over. And we love...

LC: ...coming to exotic places.

LPT: So you're here for the exoticness?

LC: No, but it...

AC: ...rhymes with erotic.

[Insert creepy giggle here. Go on. Do it.]

LC: Actually, the winners of our E-bay auction...

AC: ...are here in Parts Unknown. We are meeting....

LC: ...them tonight before our match...

AC: ...so we can discuss our date.

[Insert a second creepy giggle. Let it echo through your brain.]

LPT : So you don't think this E-bay auction business will be a distraction?

AC: While we may be...

LC: ...more excited about our date than the match, that won't stop...

AC: ...from defending our belts successfully. No reason we can't mix...

LC: ...business and pleasure. For us a match...

AC: ...and a date are the same. The hunt...

LC: ...and the kill.

[Insert super creepy, Cheshire like grin. And with that, we fade.]

Slush: I guess my bid didn’t go through.

BM: How much did you bid?

Slush: Well... I didn’t bid with money. I tried something more practical. You know, things I had around the house.

BM: Such as?

Slush: Pinhead’s soul. I suppose that doesn’t go for much.

BM: Depends on your buyer.

Slush: You sound like you know something of value to me. Here, inform me so that I may exploit it and you.

BM: Rather than we do that, let’s see where Señor McAllister is at the moment on his quest.

[And once more into the abyss, or really, the dark of night. And well, there's a path that's kind of lit. BY TORCHES!!! SPOOKY!!!]

Pinhead: So did we really have to climb down one hill just to climb the other?

[Ascending this second hill is Pinhead, guided by the woman in white with the braided red hair.]

Woman: The Hard Master resides at the Helwig Hill manor but he meditates at the top of Borden's Bluff.

Pinhead: That must be one Hell of a gong for us to hear it back there.

Woman: Parts Unknown is known for its fantastic acoustics.

Pinhead: I did not know that.

Woman: We are here.

[After walking through a thick patch of trees, the two wanderers come to a clearing. At the center is a simple pond lit by the same kind of torches that guided our journey takers. Sitting cross legged at the edge of the pond is he who meditates.

He who reflects upon the harshness of truth.

He who ponders the violence of peace.

He who is The Hard Master.]

Woman: Master, Mister Ian McAllister is here to see you.

Pinhead: Pinhead is fine.

Woman: I still say it’s a stupid name.

Pinhead: Come on, it was the eighties.

[The Hard Master raises his hand, silencing them both.]

Woman: Sorry master.

[The Hard Master is dressed completely in white. Both his beard and hair are long, the true nature of its dark color obscured by the night. What we can see of his face is hidden by moon lit shadows.]

The Hard Master: Welcome.

Pinhead: Do I know you?

The Hard Master: You wished to see me?

[Though The Hard Master looks familiar to him, Pinhead shakes any thought of the man's identity out of his head. There is, after all, business to attend to.]

Pinhead: Yeah... you see, The Burning Man has called you out and Bastardo Magnifico has requested you answer.

Woman: Kirk Houston is always calling out the Masters. That's nothing new.

Pinhead: But he's making threats...

Woman: Again, nothing new.

[The Hard Master raises his hand to silence his student slash assistant slash servant slash whatever she is. Embarrassed, she bows her head .]

Woman: My apologies.

Pinhead: This time it’s a real problem, not just for this territory but all the MBC.

The Hard Master: Continue.

Pinhead: You know of the tournament?

The Hard Master: I have watched its creation and evolution from afar.

Pinhead: Right, well as the Frontier Union Champion, he's honor bound to represent MBC-Parts Unknown in the tournament.

The Hard Master: As chiseled in stone by Magnifico.

Pinhead: Does he mean that literally?

Woman: Yes, the stone tablets of Honor

Pinhead: Oooookay, so Houston has said that unless you come to the fairgrounds to face him, he'll refuse his spot in the tournament.

[The red braided woman gasps in horror.]

Pinhead: And I've got it on.... well not good authority bur some kind of authority that if I can't get every one of the MBC territories together for this tournament, something bad will happen.

Woman: Something worse than breaking the Parts Unknown Honor Code?

Pinhead: I guess. The Bastardnomicon can be hard to decipher but I’m taking it to be catastrophic. Especially if it gets your boss to agree.

[Yet, despite hearing this, The Hard Master remains silent, gazing at his reflection in the pond. Pinhead and the woman wait patiently for his answer.]

The Hard Master: I had left the circle of violence behind.

[A sudden harsh wind blows through the trees. Leaves fall into the pond, sending ripples through its tranquility.]

The Hard Master: But I honor the code of Parts Unknown.

[The Master stands, his bones making a popping noise, not of age but of excitement, excitement for the coming fight.]

The Hard Master: But more so, I honor the words of the Bastardnomicon.

Woman: Oh man, Houston is going to get totally [MEEP]ed up.

The Hard Master: Shanna, kindly drive Pinhead to his next destination. Knowing Houston, The Beautiful Master was challenged as well.

Pinhead: She was.

The Hard Master: Then go. Tell Bastardo Magnifico that I will answer Houston's challenge. But first, there is something I must do.

[The cameras zoom in to see a relieved Pinhead. He turns to Shanna, satisfied.]

Pinhead: So you can give me a ride?

Woman: The Beautiful Master should be at the bird sanctuary. Don't you think Mas...

[Shanna turns to ask her question, but The Hard Master is gone. In his place is only the evening breeze.]

Pinhead: He does that a lot doesn't he?

Woman: Perceptive much?

[Fade.]

BM: This comes as a massive relief. Impresionante!

Slush: Who are these dudes you keep calling?

BM: Who?

Slush: That’s what I’m asking! Who?

BM: Who are you talking about?

Slush: Fantastico! Excellente! Impresionante!

BM: Ah, I’m happy you are happy. Bueno!

Slush: WHO IS BUENO!?

BM: I think we’re all bueno.

[CAMERA FADE to a tracking shot behind a tall, strong woman in black tights and a zipped-up black hoodie with the hood up, though wisps of long, wavy dark blonde hair drag in the wind as she walks. We are behind her, and do not see her face.

We follow her as she walks along the fair’s midway, a decrepit and half-abandoned affair. Listless carnies man about half the booths; the others are dark and unattended, like cavities.

We follow the woman as she hops the counter of one of these empty tents and heads to the tent flap in the rear, and we lose enough ground to see the large emblem stitched onto the back of her hoodie, like motorcycle gang badges on a leather jacket.

“FLOR

DE MUERTO”

In banners at the top and bottom, with an elaborately designed sugar skill between them. In cursive script beneath the skull are the words “La Catrina.”

As La Catrina lifts the tent flap and steps inside—briefly revealing the warm glow of candlelight in the rear compartment of the midway tent—the camera goes dark as it adjusts to the sudden sharp change in light.

When light returns, La Catrina stands, back still to us, facing the handiwork of her partner, La Sombra.

La Sombra is putting the finishing touches on a massive, intricately detailed Dia de los Muertos altar – a vanity covered in marigolds in vivid oranges, purples, blues and reds; flicking candles by the dozen; small skeleton statuettes engaged in various dramatic scenes; and hundreds of sparkling, twinkling white Christmas lights on strands ornamenting every detail.

La Sombra tucks two pictures into two frame-sized empty spaces in the middle of the altar’s spectacle; clearly the place of honor. She is dressed similarly to her partner, and sports alarmingly chaotic black and white skull makeup on her face.

Once she steps away, we see the two photos she’s placed in the altar: Luna and Aurora Cordova.]

La Catrina: Finished?

La Sombra: I think I am.

La Catrina: That’s a lot of work just to focus your energies on these two. I thought they weren’t anything but… how did you put it…

La Sombra: Rungs on the ladder.

La Catrina: Yes, “rungs on the ladder.” Just another step on your path.

La Sombra: Are we going to have this debate again? I am what I am. I’m doing what I’m doing. You can either join me or you can step aside. My plans won’t change, no matter how you try to steer me.

La Catrina: I won’t try to steer you. But I have tried to guide you. I understand why you’ve dedicated your life to vengeance, but—

La Sombra: I don’t think you do. I don’t think you understand what hate really is, Rose. Why would you?

[At this, the camera swings around the room enough to take in the face of La Catrina – and sure enough, it’s Rose Malone, sister to Felicity and Joey Malone and one-time tag partner with her sister. She is not looking at her new tag partner; she is studying the altar with a faraway look.]

La Catrina: There’s nothing I can do to stop you, then.

La Sombra: Nothing. She will answer for what she’s done to me.

[A pause.]

La Sombra: As you know she must.

[La Sombra looks at her partner. Rose, for her part, does not respond. But she does bow her head a little. Perhaps in admission that La Sombra is right.]

La Sombra: Can I still trust you in the ring?

[La Catrina raises her head again.]

La Catrina: Yes. You’ll have your vengeance.

[A pause.]

La Catrina: I swear on my family’s name.

[Fade out.]

**********************************************************
********** PARTS UNKNOWN SHOWCASE **********
**********************************************************
PSYCHO DRIVER TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
THE NEW THROBBING MATTRESS KITTENS ( c )
vs. FLOR DE MUERTO
**********************************************************

[Bastardo Magnifico takes the house microphone and enters the ring to make formal introductions.]

Slush: Does he not know who I am? Years of MBC programming should have made it common knowledge that I shouldn't be left without adult supervision.

BM: Ladies and gentlemen! The following contest is scheduled for one fall and will be for the
MBC Psycho Driver Tag Team Championship.

[Wild crowd pop.]

BM: Introducing first, La Sombra and La Catrina, together known as FLOR DE MUERTO!!

[As “When the Planes Fall from the Sky” by Monster Magnet starts playing, two women come from the entrance way, both in black and both with faces painted like skulls. The fans love them but despite that, their focus remains with the match, the taller of the women continuing to coach the smaller.]

Slush: I think I dated a woman like that once.

[Slush looks around and is reminded he is alone.]

Slush Massive boobs.

[Slush waits to be yelled at alas there is no one to do so.]

Slush: So this what it’s like to have my brilliance uninterup...

BM: And their opponents. They are the reigning Psycho Driver Tag Team Champions... Luna and
Aurora Cordoba... THE NEW THROBBING MATTRESS KITTENS!!!

[Danny Elfman's "Little Things" pops out over the fairground sound system. But not quite popping out are the Cordovas. Make no mistake. They enter the show area. But they look a little... down. The crowd of course lets loose with cheers.]

Crowd: TMK~! TMK~! TMK~!

TMK~! TMK~! TMK~!

TMK~! TMK~! TMK~!

[What's stranger is that they do not carry the title belts with them. Gone too are their smiles and rambunctious attitudes. They don’t so much as saunter down to the ring. Instead, it’s only a basic walk. Once in the ring, they approach the judge and whisper something into his hear. He nods and then discusses it with Bastardo Magnifico. Finally something is announced to the crowd.]

BM: Ladies and gentlemen, this match will no longer be for the Psycho Driver Tag Team Titles.

[The crowd boos and to their credit, the Cordovas look apologetic towards their opponents. La Catrina and La Sombra especially look upset at the situation. Before the bell can ring properly, La Sombra charges, tackling Aurora into the corner. The judge calls for the bell and the match is on.]

Slush: Did they lose the belts?

BM: Actually yes.

Slush: Where? In the toilet? Did they drop the belts in the toilet? Man that would be a mighty, mighty flush.

BM: No, they lost the belts to someone else.

Slush: Wait didn't we just see them as champions like twenty, thirty minutes ago.

BM: Yes, and in that time they lost the championship.

[And to say La Sombra is upset about it would be an understatement. It isn't so much that she wanted the titles. It was more that a title shot had been promised to her. Now that had been taken away. Factor in anger issues and well...]

BM: Our judge is having to pull La Sombra off of Cordova. Too many closed fists and swear words.

Slush: Swear words?

BM: Parts Unknown is a family friendly territory.

Slush: Horse[MEEP]! You have a hardcore champion.

BM: Yes but La Diabla Rosa sheds the blood of evil for truth, justice and the sake of her fan club.

[Quick camera cut to a section of the crowd with a large grouping of anime eyed girls, no more than ten years old and wearing pink lucha masks.]

Slush: Have you ever seen Children of the Corn?

[Meanwhile, back in the ring, La Sombra guards her anger just enough to keep the judge at bay. Still, Aurora Cordova paid the price. After taking a brutal lashing, Luna makes the save of her twin only to take much of the same sort of beating. Not wanting her partner to end up disqualified or with assault charges, La Catrina tags in. While the thrashing the Cordovas take isn't as vicious, it is still as thorough.]

Slush: I'd ask if this chick was always as strong but... I know her.

BM: Yes La Catrina, known to many as Rose Malone, takes after her legendary father, wielding his berserker like strength

Slush: Is that what that is? Here I thought she was a cyborg.

[Slush looks to the sky, fist clenched.]

Slush: YOU'LL NOT HAVE ME YET SKYNET!

[Theoretically, it should be pretty hard for the TMK to feel shame. Come on. They're the TMK. But even in their moments of going on the offensive and taking the advantage over both La Catrina and La Sombra, much of their moves were lifeless, passionless. A TMK without passion is hardly a TMK at all. And a TMK without passion is one that falls to a raging La Sombra's submission finisher.]

WINNER BY SUBMISSION: Flor de Muerto
**********************************************************

Slush: Wow, she’s really got that on tight.

BM: Leave it to our Judge to get the ladies separated.

Slush: No, I don’t think that’ll work.

BM: Her tag team partner is coming and finally manages to work her loose.

Slush: I’ve never seen the TMK so whipped. Poor kittens. Dare I say they are...

BM: No. No dares. Dares bad.

Slush: You have no stomach for this.

BM: Before we finish our first hour, let us see where your partner is.

Slush: Metaphysically lost I’m assuming. He’s never known his true spot in this universe.

[Hidden in ivy and trees stands a building of brick and mortar. Its profile stands majestically against the moonlit night sky. The stars are out in full force, light pollution from the little hamlet of Parts Unknown at a bare minimum. A set of wooden doors inform visitors of the entrance's location while the relief carved within them tell tales of vikings, gods and the women who love them both.

Epic bitches. Epic.

Standing outside, ready to enter are two figures. One is the MBC commentator and bearer of the Bastardnomicon known as Pinhead. The other is the disciple and servant of The Hard Master, a woman simply named Shanna. They stand on the brink of discovery.]

Pinhead: What is this place again?

Shanna: The Sanctuary. Long time ago it had a telescope for stargazing but there was a wolf problem and... well... now it’s a bird sanctuary.

Pinhead: And The Beautiful Master is here?

Shanna: Some say she lives here.

[Pinhead reaches to open the doors but they open of their own accord... spooky!]

Pinhead: This happen a lot?

Shanna: Lots of soil issues in Parts Unknown. Cracks in foundations for a lot of people...

[If any horror movie or ghost story has taught us anything, it is that you do not go into the spooky place. But of course, that is exactly what Pinhead and Shanna do. What they find inside is as near a replica of the Amazon rain forest as one could find in this hemisphere. Tall trees reach high to the glass ceiling above as brightly colored birds scatter at the stranger's arrival.]

Pinhead: Holy...

Shanna: Totally.

[The doors shut silently behind them and as they too are quiet, the sound and speech of nature envelops them. They, as anyone of us would be, are in awe.]

A Woman's Voice: I don't normally get visitors, especially after the showcase at the fairgrounds starts.

[No source of the voice can be found, try as Pinhead and Shanna might. But a faint rustling in the trees gives them at least a general direction. ]

Shanna: We don't mean to intrude Mistress but it is of the highest importance.

[Pinhead clears his throat and picks a random spot in the indoor forest to speak to.]

Pinhead: I’m needing Parts Unknown to send its representative to the Bastardship of the Ring but Kirk Houston and his cronies want the Masters to face them.

[Shanna elbows Pinhead in the side.]

Pinhead: Hey!

Shanna: Show some respect. At least introduce yourself.

A Woman's Voice: [From the Trees] No need for formality.

[And then she appears behind them, a red cloaked figure and a white mask patterned after a human face with only the faintest hints of features.]

The Beautiful Master: He and I have met many times.

Pinhead: Wait... really?

The Beautiful Master: So tell me what's going on with Scorched Earth.

Pinhead: Houston is refusing to take his place as Parts Unknowns representative unless The Hard Master faces him and you face Black Madison.

Shanna: He's defying the Code of Honor.

Pinhead: And if the territories don't come together in the tournament, the Bastardnonicon promises something bad.

The Beautiful Master: Such as?

Pinhead: I don't know. Catastrophe? Apocalypse?

Shanna: Who?

Pinhead: Regardless, The Hard Master has agreed. Now we just need you. Easy as that.

The Beautiful Master: But it’s not that easy. Regretfully, I cannot help. I'm sorry.

Pinhead: What? Wait, we need you. Aren't you a citizen? Doesn't that make you a part of the roster?

The Beautiful Master: I want to help but by the MBC's own rules, I cannot wrestle. And I do not hold citizenship. Technically, I live outside the city limits.

Shanna: It’s true. She has a Parts Unknown green card that lets her work as an instructor.

[Face buried in his hands, Pinhead sighs.]

Pinhead: Immigration reform? Really God?

[Pinhead drops his hands to his side and stares at the Master, a new tone coming.]

Pinhead: I'm going to need one Hell of an explanation. What stupid ass rule is keeping you away?

[The Beautiful Master is silent for a moment as if reluctant. She then turns to Shanna.]

The Beautiful Master: Shanna, if you would, please step outside so I may explain.

[Confused at first, it hits Shanna that what is to be explained is above her pay grade. She makes double time for the door and shuts them after stepping outside.]

The Beautiful Master: Few have seen what you are about to see. But it will make you understand.

[Her back turned to the camera, The Beautiful Master pulls away the hood of her cloak, revealing black hair. She then pulls away the mask, showing Pinhead, and Pinhead only, who she really is.]

Pinhead: Oh. I can see your issue.

[Satisfied that he now understands her reasoning, she replaces the mask and hood. But Pinhead's look of understanding and disappointment quickly changes to a wide eyed expression of realization.]

Pinhead: Rules be damned.

The Beautiful Master: Come again?

Pinhead: Whoever possesses the Bastardnomicon is in charge and can make rules as he sees fit. And I have the book. As far as I'm concerned, your predicament is over.

The Beautiful Master: But you know what would be expected of me, what that old life brings.

Pinhead: When you wear the mask, we can truly be who we are. It is when we go without that we wear the true mask. Isn't that what this place is all about?

The Beautiful Master: It is.

Pinhead: Then remake yourself. Take this opportunity to be reborn... like a phoenix.

The Beautiful Master: Like a phoenix?

Pinhead: Very phoenix like.

[The Beautiful Master looks to one of the birds that flies overhead, a regal hawk with its wings spread wide. Then she nods.]

The Beautiful Master: Then I shall be reborn. Tell the mayor I will soon be there. First I must prepare.

Pinhead: Thank [MEEP]img God. I was running low on the inspirational speeches.

The Beautiful Master: Get moving Braveheart. I need to get ready.

[Pinhead smiles and turns for the door. He starts to walk away but stops himself to say something to The Beautiful Master...]

Pinhead: When all this...

[But she is gone.]

Pinhead: Damned ninjas.

[Fade.]
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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