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[MBC] Unnamed Bastard Show Episode 7 - HOUR TWO; Like a phoenix...
Topic Started: Dec 22 2012, 12:05 PM (342 Views)
MBCKyle
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[The scene switches to a long view of Main Street in downtown Parts Unknown. It’s not much of a downtown compared to your major metropolises… metropoli? Regardless, it’s a small town with a small town feel, the kind where if Jack Cougar gets Diane Mellencamp pregnant at the high school dance, the rest of the town will know about it in no time. Just how do small towns pass word like that? Easy, there are two kinds of people who hear stories and tell them just as well.

Bartenders and barbers.

And I guess hairdressers too but I’ll just lump them in with barbers for the purposes of this segment.]

Man #1: All right, I’m off to catch the rest of the showcase.

Man #2: Enjoy. Cheer against that rotten Burning Man.

[Along the main street is a barber shop. And inside the barbershop are two men. One is a younger gentleman, his face painted in black and red. The other is a muscular individual wearing a classic white barber’s smock along with an elaborately decorated luchador mask trimmed in silver and metallic red. He is known around Parts Unknown as the Barber to the Gods. He is...

...SEÑOR BARBERO BLANCO!!!]

SBB: Tell him he stinks of burnt skunk!

Manny: I sure will!

[The younger man exits through the door of the barber shop, clinging the bell that hangs above, signaling to all of an entrance and an exit. Señor Barbero Blanco smiles as he watches his apprentice barber leave for the day. With no customers, Señor Barbero Blanco takes up a broom and begins to sweep. The camera pans away to the door as it follows his motion. He sings to himself a catchy Spanish tune, possibly the latest hit by Lucha Priesta. As the camera pans, it sees someone in the mirror standing in the barber shop.]

The Hard Master: Señor.

[Señor Barbero Blanco nearly has a heart attack upon being startled by the sudden and miraculous appearance of The Hard Master in his shop. Señor Barbero Blanco breaks the broom in two over his knee and spins around, ready to strike like a venomous cobra. But upon seeing who stands before him, he relaxes and bows in apology.]

Señor Barbero Blanco: Ah, tis you Hard Master. Please forgive me. My reflexes are still as strong as ever.

The Hard Master: So I see.

Señor Barbero Blanco: For what reason am I graced by your presence today? Shall we play a game of chess? Or will it be arm wrestling? I still think I can beat you one day.

The Hard Master: No, nothing like that.

Señor Barbero Blanco: Then how may I help you?

The Hard Master: I need a haircut and a shave.

Señor Barbero Blanco: So... you mean...

The Hard Master: Yes.

Señor Barbero Blanco: The cycle of violence begins again...

The Hard Master: Yes

Señor Barbero Blanco: Then I am honored to be the one who sees you off into the old world. Please, sit.

[The Hard Master moves with grace and silence into the barber’s chair. Señor Barbero Blanco readies his scissors and pulls out the white cape that shall shield his customer from the falling hair as it is cut.]

Señor Barbero Blanco: Shall you return to your old look?

The Hard Master: Tride and true.

Señor Barbero Blanco: And it will be glorious mi amigo! Glorious!

[With a fhe flick of a wrist, Señor Barbero Blanco flings the cutting cape into the air to dress it upon the Hard Master. But it comes across the camera...

...and we fade back to the fair grounds.]

Slush: You got here quick.

[At the commentary table are Slush and Bastardo Magnifico. But rejoining them, fresh off his quest is Pinhead.]

Pinhead: That Shanna is a speed demon.

BM: Yes, with her bitching hot rod.

Slush: Are mayors allowed to cuss?

BM: [MEEP] yes.

Slush: You must be the worst mayor I’ve ever met.

BM: You’ve met many?

Slush: Well, back in the early eighties, when giving the keys to cities was in high fashion, I had more than a few mayors who got together to make sure I lost any and all keys I had.

Pinhead: To keep you out?

Slush: You know, they lure you in with the promise of a “key party” and you think you’re going to have a good time. Don’t think I’ve not forgotten about September 27th, 1981 Mister Mayor of Cincinnati.

BM: What was in Cincinnati?

Slush: Bowties and sunrises.

[Coming to your screen and laying over a layer of black are the words that rarely lead to anything good:]

EARLIER TONIGHT

[Ah, the tunnel of love. That is where we find ourselves in the area of many rides at the Parts Unknown fairgrounds. Standing by with anxiety, excitement and anticipation are Luna and Aurora Cordova...

The New TMK.]

LC: They will be...

AC: ...here soon. Sister, are you...

LC: ...as excited as I am?

[Several groups of people pass by, some eating gotten candy, others toting oversized stuffed animals of a pastel variety. None though seem to be the dates the twins were expecting.]

LC: Our match is soon. I do not...

AC: ...wish to be late for our title defense.

A Man's Deep Voice: Then ladies, wait no longer.

[Walking through the line to the Ferris wheel are two men known to the Parts Unknown community. One is dressed head to toe in black, only his eyes visible through his mask. The other sports a buttoned up shirt with the sleeved pushed up and his tie loosened.

The Shifter and Jefferson “Sky Slasher” McKeid.]

KM: Your winners are here.

LC: Oh indeed they...

AC: ...are. How...

LC: ...juicy.

[The Kittens are instantly smitten as kittens are wont to do. Luna quickly places herself at Jefferson’s side as Aurora does the same with The Shifter. Could be the mystery. Could be the mask. Chicks dig guys in masks... or so I’m told. May be a hidden ninja power or something.]

JK: Got to say, ladies. I’m a big fan of your work.

LC: And can we say, that we are...

AC: ...fans of yours?

[Both Cordova’s snuggle close to their respective men. One could swear they are purring.]

LC: Sad to say though...

AC: ...we’ll have to postpone any...

LC: ...fun we can have. We have...

AC: ...a match coming up.

JK: We understand that. Definitely. But me and my masked friend were curious about something.

LC: We’re all...

AC: ...about curiosity.

JK: We heard you just say that a date is just like a match.

LC: The thrill of the...

AC: ...hunt. The capture...

LC: ...and the kill.

JK: So a date or match with you and your sister could happen anytime and anywhere?

AC and LC Together: Yes.

JK: Then be prepared for the greatest match of your life.

[Jefferson takes Luna and dips her, kissing her passionately. Jealous, Aurora bites her lip...

...not seeing that a Parts Unknown Judge has arrived and given the signal for a match to begin.

Seeing the signal, the Shifter quickly moves behind Aurora and rolls her up. The Judge drops down and slaps the steps to the Love Tunnel not one, not twice but three times.]

Judge: Winners!

[The judge takes the Psycho Driver Tag Team titles and hands them to The Shifter who is ready to get out of there. Jefferson... is still giving Luna the kiss of her life.]

The Shifter: It is done. We may go.

[Jefferson comes back up for air. With a smile he eases Luna down to the ground.]

JK: Hell of a date baby. I’ll call you.

[McKeid takes his newly won title belt and leaves with the Shifter. Luna curls into a ball of happiness. Aurora is clearly disappointed.]

AC: Masked men are such teases.

[Cut back to ringside.]

Slush: Wow, did that really just happen?

BM: Yes, making a mockery of our system in the process.

Slush: So... that’s valid?

BM: Yes, it is a legal title change under Parts Unknown rules. Though they bent them, the rules were followed. The TMK dictated the terms of a match and McKeid agreed to them. We and the TMK are honor bound to abide by them. And now we know why the Cordovas were without their titles.

["Ozar Midrashim" begins to play again, followed shortly by a chorus of boos worthy of the most reviled of villains. From the entrance comes Scorched Earth member Black Madison, a satisfied and sadistic smile plastered across her face. No time is wasted in getting to the ring and even less in taking the house microphone before Bastards Magnifico can do a proper introduction.]

Black Madison: Apologies mister mayor but there is no need for you to exert yourself in standing up and doing introductions. These people know who I am and why I am here.

[Madison opens her arms wide as they boo, empty bottles and trash flying to the ring.]

Slush: You know what I miss? People throwing fruit. Are there farms in Parts Unknown?

Pinhead: Quiet Slush.

Black Madison: But on behalf of Scorched Earth, let me say, mister Mayor, that we do so appreciate the concerted effort you made to retrieve the Masters. Though they have agreed to show up, we are not fools. As the old saying goes, we will believe it when we see it.

[She cocks an eyebrow as someone in the crowd tells her the Masters won’t fail them.]

Black Madison: Yes, believe your precious Masters won’t fail you. But they already have in forcing this matter to come to hand. They say they’ll come but if they knew better, they’d keep walking and leave Parts Unknown to burn.

[Madison turns back to face Magnifico.]

Black Madison: You’ve already seen what your supposed honor has wrought you Mayor. The idiot cats lost their belts because of it and the title match you promoted, you promised to these fans, didn’t happen. You failed these people in your words and you failed them with your honor.

And when, or rather, _if_ the Beautiful Master shows up, you’ll fail these people again for believing in an outsider.

[Madison raises a hand to Magnifico, beckoning him to stand.]

Black Madison: Now you can stand Mayor. Now you can make your introduction for the Master, who if she was truly worth her salt, would know enough to not show up.

[Madison tosses the microphone towards Magnifico. To his credit, he does not respond. Instead, he remains standing.]

Slush: Man, she screwed the landing. You’re supposed to turn it sideways, drop it and back away.

Pinhead: Are you going to announce The Beautiful Master?

BM: No.

Slush: Quitter!

BM: A special request has been made by the Masters. They want the Town Crier to do their introductions.

Pinhead: Town Crier?

BM: You know him.

Slush: I do?

BM: You love him.

Slush: I don’t think that’s legal in this state... whatever state that may be...


**********************************************************
********** PARTS UNKNOWN SHOWCASE **********
**********************************************************
BLACK MADISON vs. THE BEAUTIFUL MASTER
**********************************************************

[A smirk across the face of Black Madison, she waits for her expected opponent. The Beautiful Master is to come for sure. After all, there are promises to be delivered upon. But first there would be pomp and circumstance.

The lights turn low.

A spotlight shines bright upon a single spot, a pulpit prepared for the championing of gladiators and the decrying of villains. There he steps into that yonder light of spot, a bald man wearing clothing toga like in nature.

Steve " Uatu" Jones.]

SUJ: TURN TO YOUR NEIGHBOR, FRIENDS! THEN THINK UPON THEIR SINS. BUT DO NOT JUDGE. YOU SURELY CANNOT CAST THAT FIRST STONE JUST AS THEY CANNOT.

[Jones cokes his head a bit, but only a little.]

SUJ: WHO AMONG US DOES NOT HAVE A PAST THEY WISH TO CHANGE? WHO DOES NOT LIVE WITH THE MISTAKES THAT MADE US?

[Jones pulls his fingers into fists, squeezing tightly as he fixes his gaze upon them.]

SUJ: WHO HERE DOES NOT WISH TO PERISH WITHIN THE FIRES OF CREATION...

[His arms suddenly shoot up, his eyes reflecting the star speckled abyss of the universe... no... the omniverse.]

SUJ: ...LIKE A PHOENIX!!!

Crowd: LIKE A PHOENIX?

SUJ: LIKE A PHOENIX!!!

VERY PHOENIX LIKE!!!

[And his arms and voice lower to a whisper, for Jones still a scream.]

SUJ: VERY PHOENIXY!

[Steve "Uatu" Jones looks back to the crowd, slightly biting his lower lip like a certain former president. The message sinks in.]

SUJ: THE BEAUTIFUL MASTER TRAVELED THE WORLD, RUNNING FROM WHAT SHE WAS. IT WAS NOT UNTIL SHE CAME HERE THAT SHE COULD DON THE MASK OF A PARTS UNKNOWN MASTER AND SHOW WHO SHE TRULY COULD BE. AND NOW...

[Steve turns to the entranceway, which for the moment remains silent.]

SUJ: ...SHE IS REBORN LIKE THE LEGENDARY BIRD OF FLAME. SHE HAS RENEWED HERSELF AS WE ALL AT SOME POINT HAVE WISHED OR WILL WISH TO DO.

[The Tuesday Night at the Chop Shop remix of Rob Zombie's "Return of the Phantom Stranger" begins to play, a low percussive beat at first.]

SUJ: TONIGHT, THE BEAUTIFUL MASTER IS REMADE. SHE IS RECONFIGURED. SHE IS RESTOCKED, RELOADED, RETOOLED AND REPURPOSED.

[The crowd re-cheers.]

SUJ: _SHE_ _IS_ _REBORN_!

NO LONGER IS SHE THE BEAUTIFUL MASTER...

[Cue dramatic pause...]

SUJ: ...SHE IS LADY WARHAWK!

[From the entrance comes the Lady Warhawk, attire adorned in feathers of the most vivid colors, some that can only be truly appreciated in high definition. Starting from her toes, her boots and kneepads are a bright yellow with blue stripes. Her trunks are of the same blue with the rest of her top a mixture of yellow and orange. She bears no skin, in fact her sleeves are baggy and long, extended far beyond her hands by almost a foot. She stretches out her arms, the bagginess giving her the appearance of wings. Her cape is a splendid technicolor display that drags behind her like a jungle bird's tail or a bride's train.]

Slush: Dammit!

Pinhead: What?

Slush: I want to make a joke about Technicolor dreamcoats!

BM: Why don't you?

Slush: Because I'm not cultured alright! DON'T HARASS ME!

[Topping it all is the magnificent headdress resting upon her head. It stands a foot tall carrying a vivid red Mohawk with it. And upon the Lady's face is the mask, bird like and sleek, like the hawk from which she takes her name.]

Pinhead: So this Beautiful Master, what kind of wrestler is she?

BM: I have never had the privilege but she has trained many of Parts Unknown's high flyers in techniques that even I did not know existed.

Slush: What you don't know...

Pinhead: She a world traveler then? She'd have to be in order to learn such techniques.

[Lady Warhawk enters the ring, detaching her cape and removing her headdress. Her mask stays fixed, her hair a blood red instead of the color seen earlier. Truly she is remade. Though Madison doesn't quite know what to make of what The Beautiful Master has transformed herself into, her annoyance is clear. She strikes as Warhawk addresses the judge, jumping the colorfully dressed woman from behind. After a triplet of hammer blows to the back, Madison whips Warhawk to the corner. The Scorched Earth member charges in with a series of cartwheels before using her momentum to throw her full weight into a splash on the stunned Warhawk. Madison hits with authority, being able to strut away as Warhawk reels from the pain.]

BM: There is no honor in what Madison has done here.

Slush: She should rip off the mask. Make it even worse.

BM: There is no greater insult in Parts Unknown.

[But even as Madison struts and pisses off the crowd, Lady Warhawk shakes off the impact and climbs to the second set of turnbuckles. With ease she flies off to hit Madison with a bulldog. Madison down, Warhawk jumps up and runs for the ropes. After a quick rebound, Warhawk flips forward and comes down with a legdrop. Up once again, the Lady Warhawk wrenches Madison to her feet and whips her to the ropes. Madison reverses but that proves futile as Lady Warhawk returns to bring her opponent down with a flying headscissors.]

BM: Such incredible speed from our Beautiful Master!

Slush: So you saw under that mask of hers. She's hideously ugly isn't she? We could call her Lady Irony.

Pinhead: No, she lives up to her name in body and soul.

Slush: Ah jeez. You're crushing on her.

Pinhead: No. But I am proud of her.

[Pride notwithstanding, the Lady flies across the ring with a speed that Black Madison finds hard to adjust to. But Madison has never been a slouch. Seeing enough of her opponent's moves and speed, Madison begins to anticipate where Warhawk will be and not where she is. As Lady Warhawk attempts a tornado DDT, Madison manages to turn it into a chokeslam, firmly planting Warhawk into the ring mat. And what follows are systematic attacks on the Beautiful Master's knees.]

BM: Black Madison is and always has been a formidable opponent. Her martial arts skills are hard to ignore.

Slush: And she's got that whole "hot Asian chick" thing going for her.

Pinhead: How is that supposed to help her in this match?

Slush: It doesn't. But it'll help me on those cold lonely nights.

[When the match becomes a brawl, Lady Warhawk has a hard time compensating. But once given the right opportunity, things change. Madison backs her into a corner, driving punch after punch to the chest and head and mixing frequent kicks to the Lady's knees. At first, Warhawk's attempts to fight back look limp, using her extra-long sleeves to whip Madison in the face. Madison reacts to them at first but seeing they have no bite, starts to ignore them. Warhawk persists with the slaps, building Madison's annoyance...

...until Warhawk connects with something solid.]

Slush: What was that?

Pinhead: Madison staggers back by what I think is a disguised punch.

BM: Madison going back in... Warhawk with the slaps again. Madison a bit gun shy with... ANOTHER PUNCH!

Pinhead: Warhawk is swinging those sleeves like crazy and Madison has no idea which one will be punches.

BM: This seems like a silly attack but it’s proving effective.

[Warhawk continues to sling her sleeves, mixing in blind punches to keep Madison guessing. Finally frustrated beyond belief, Madison grabs Warhawk's sleeves and quickly ties them into a knot. Warhawk tries frantically to get them loose but cannot. Seeking to take advantage, Madison charges at Warhawk who in turn collides with Madison, the two women falling to the mat. In the fray, Warhawk's sleeves detach from the rest of her ring attire, being able to do so all along. And now it is Black Madison's hands that are tied together with the sleeves.]

Pinhead: Bait and switch!

BM: Lady Warhawk has played weak on several occasions in this match, every time pulling Black Madison into a trap!

Slush: Can we call her Lady Bondage?

Pinhead: Madison desperately trying to get free from that knot.

[Alas, it is not to be. Her opponent tied up quite literally, Lady Warhawk unleashes her full arsenal, coming at Madison from every direction both high and low. Be rest assured that Madison eventually frees herself from the restraints but momentum is so against her that there is nothing to stop the Warhawk from planting her near the corner with a springboard crossbody. Madison, ailing and aching, lays on the mat as Warhawk climbs to the top turnbuckle.]

BM: Lady Warhawk stands tall and proud atop the top rope. She spreads her arms like a bird.

Slush: As opposed to an aardvark.

BM: Any idea what this will be.

Pinhead: No, but I know what it’s called...

[With incredible velocity and torque, Warhawk leaps into the air to execute 450 degree splash strait onto Madison.]

Pinhead: Quetzlchaotic!

Slush: Pretzel anti biotic?

BM: The cover...

One...









Two...






THREE!!



WINNER BY PINFALL: Lady Warhawk
**********************************************************

BM: Yes! The Beautiful Master herself Lady Warhawk has struck a victory for Parts Unknown!

Pinhead: And most importantly, for herself.

Slush: I thought we were doing a wrestling show, not an afterschool special.

Pinhead: We are many things to many people.

Slush: You are many things to me. Annoying. Boring. Other…. words.

BM: While we take this time to celebrate this victory let us see how the rest of Parts Unknown is reacting.

[We cut to the corner of Los Guerreros Avenue and 7th Street. Face painted and masked folks walk by talking excitedly. A tall man with a blue crab design painted on his face and wearing a judge’s robe eats a bagel while reading a newspaper. Amidst all of this we hear voices...]

Female Voice: Peeee Yeeuwww! You didn't tell me that this place stinks!

Male Voice: Si, my sweet and sugar, this place stinks...

[Suddenly a couple rounds a corner and we see them! The man is wearing a black

luchadore mask with cherry colored "SC" on the forehead, a black hooded cape, no shirt on, black tights with cherry colored boots. The woman is wearing a black luchadore mask with cherry colored "SC" on the forehead, a black body suit with cherry colored trunks over it and cherry colored boots. She also has a cherry colored hooded cape and a large cherry colored purse with her. The duo is recognizable, especially to any NEO fans out there, as Senor Cloak
and Senorita Cola aka Pablo O'Connor and Stephanie Delacroix!]

POC: But what REALLY stinks.. Is that I spent all that time and money going all over the world trying to find a way to parts unknown, eventually finding a doorway in Spain and NOW.. NOW I learn all I had to do was put on this old costume?!!

[Through the eye holes you can see Pablo's eyes do an angry twitching, the notorious mizer furious at spending money he didn't have to.]

SD: Maybe if someone had told their smart beautiful wife that they had to go find Jobberwocky's Swamp she would have gone along with him and would have been able to put it all together for him much quicker!

[JAB!]

POC: ... Mujer!

SD: Viejo!

[They narrow their masked eyes at one another but then smiles grow on their faces.]

POC: It doesn't matter now.

SD: Nope!

[They look around taking it all in.]

POC: We're here! All we have to do is find where the show is being held at and then sneak attack and possibly maim and injure whomever this territory picks for the Bastardship of the Ring!

SD: And I brought so many instruments to aid us in injuring them, Honey Bunny!

[Stephanie pats her large purse with a crazed look in her masked eyes.]

SD: SO MANY!

POC: The more people we take out.. The clearer our path is to becoming THE Bastard of BASTARDS!

SD: But first we have to find the place and I have an idea..

[She reaches into her purse and pulls out a cellphone.]

SD: We'll text Slush again!

[Pablo's angry reaction is immediate.]

POC: Oh [MEEP] no! That [MEEP] and [MEEP] didn't help us [MEEP] in finding [MEEP] in Lousi-[MEEP]-ana!

SD: And then that one picture that was texted..

[They both SHIVER with anger and disgust.]

POC: I will KILLLLLLLLLLLLLL-

SD: Calm down with your machismo Spanish blood!

POC: Never!

SD: This is my niece's cellphone!

POC: Anna?

SD: You think any other nephew or niece would be dumb enough to give me their cellphone?

POC: It can only be Anna. La idiota!

SD: She's an idiot but it helps us in this instance! Slush will think that a young inexperienced female wrestler from Girl Fight is texting him asking for directions for some kind of rendezvous and he will be FOR SURE to give us the right directions!

POC: It could work.. Though they've been kidnapped so many times lately who knows if they know where they really are...

SD: Hmmm..

POC: But it's our best shot outside of asking one of these mutants where it is and I don't want to end up back in the part of Parts Unknown where the landscape is constantly shifting and changing it's appearance and be brought before Lord Byron again so it's a plan!

[Delacroix begins to text when...]

*ZOOM*

*SCREEECH*

[A scooter stops right in front of them. But it's not just any scooter and it's not just any rider... It's the poodle skirt wearing Parts Unknown Hardcore Champion.. LA DIABLA ROSA!]

LDR: ....

[Pablo and Stephanie stop and look at her as she looks back at them.]

POC: ...

LDR: ...

SD: ... Can we help you?

LDR: MY THIRST FOR BLOOD SHALL BE SATIATED!

[Rosa hops off the scooter and points at them.]

LDR: You... Senor Cloak!

POC: Me?

LDR: And you.. Senorita Cola!

SD: How do you know our names?

LDR: Are you citizens or visitors?

[Pablo and Stephanie exchange annoyed glances.]

SD: Shoo! Away little goblin mutant thing! We have stuff to do!

LDR: SHOW ME GREEN CARDS NOW!!

POC: Green cards?!

[The bagle munching judge walks over.]

Judge: Perhaps I can help.. See all visitors must have Green Cards.

SD: We don't have any green cards!

POC: We're just here for...

LDR: BATTLE! YOU ARE HERE FOR BATTLE!

[Pablo jabs a finger at Rosa's face.]

POC: Hey! Do NOT put words in my [MEEP]ING mouth! ENTIENDO?!!

[La Diablo Rosa turns to the judge.]

LDR: Me, Parts Unknown Hardcore Champion, LA DIABLO ROSA versus Senor Cloak and Senorita Cola in a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH! Losers Leave Town! Will you preside?

Judge: Por su puesto!

SD: Woah! WOah! WOAH! Hold up one second here! We are not here to fight in any loser leaves mumbo jumbo with ADHD mutant here!

POC: We do not have time for this!

Judge: So you forfeit?

POC: What are you people on about?!

[Rosa begins pumping her fists into the air.]

LDR: VICTORY! VICTORY! VICTORY!

Judge: Do you forfeit?

POC: We don't do [MEEP] you [MEEP] and [MEEP] [MEEP]! WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS [MEEP] OK? DO ANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND OR DO I HAVE TO CHEW ALL YOUR [MEEP]S OUT WITH [MEEP]ING SPANISH?!!

[The judge turns to Rosa and raises her arm.]

Judge: WINNER BY FORFEIT!

[Rosa marches around pumping her arms in the air.]

LDR: I HAVE DEFEATED SENOR CLOAK AND SENORITA COLA! VICTORY! VICTORY!

[Stephanie rolls her eyes while Pablo trembles with rage.]

SD: Whatever, we don't have time for any of this..

[Stephanie grabs her angry husband's hand and they begin to walk away but the judge stops them.]

POC: You should move out of the way!

Judge: This was a loser leaves town match.

POC: ... Ok?

Judge: So... You've got to leave town!

SD: WHAT?!

LDR: I SENT SENOR CLOAK AND SENORITA COLA OUT OF TOWN! VICTORY! VICTORY!

POC: You are about to get your [MEEP]ING SCOOTER DROPPED ON TOP OF YOUR [MEEP]ING [MEEP] HEAD YOU [MEEP] [MEEP] [MEEP] [MEE-]

*ZOOOM*

[Suddenly a truck passes in front of the camera. A very large and very long truck. And when it finally goes offscreen Pablo and Stephanie are nowhere to be seen and La Diablo Rosa is looking at the judge who is holding the masks of Senor Cloak and Senorita Cola.]

Judge: See? With those two all you do is remove their masks!

LDR: Oh!

[She reaches out for the masks.]

LDR: Mine?!

[The judge nods and hands her the masks.]

LDR: ....

[SHE THRUSTS THEM INTO THE AIR!]

LDR: VICTORY! VICTORY!

[We cut away..]

BM: They have a saying on the south side of Parts Unknown.

Slush: “Breakdown the cockpit door”?

BM: No.

Slush: “Take the controls”?

BM: No.

Pinhead: Let the man finish.

BM: “One does not [MEEP] with La Diabla Rosa.”

Slush: Sounds like a euphemism for jock itch.

BM: She probably heard that.

Slush: Ummm... she did?

BM: She doesn’t sleep. She waits.

Slush: …

Pinhead: She has a taste for blood right?

BM: Like no other.

Slush: [MEEP]!

BM: The time has come for the final match. After all that has happened tonight, this will be the ultimate comeuppance or utter defeat.

Pinhead: You may have lost the Psycho Drivers in... horrible fashion but you have the win from Lady Warhawk.

Slush: PRIORITIES MAN! LA DIABLA ROSA IS GOING TO EAT MY FACE!

Pinhead: The Hard Master... any idea who he is?

BM: No. He is a bearded man of mystery but powerful, far more powerful than anyone I have ever run across. If anyone can put an end to Houston’s reign of terror it is him.

Slush: WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO ME? PROTECT ME JESUS FROM THE PINK DEVIL!


**********************************************************
********** PARTS UNKNOWN SHOWCASE **********
**********************************************************
FRONTIER UNION CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
“THE BURNING MAN” KIRK HOUSTON ( c )
versus THE HARD MASTER
**********************************************************

["Ozar Midrashim" plays again, causing many of the fans in attendance to cringe. It’s not that the song is bad of course but fans being what they are have already become conditioned to expect ill tidings at the drop of its first note. From the entrance comes "The Burning Man" Kirk Houston, his championship title slung over his shoulder.]

Pinhead: Despite Black Madison's loss to the Beautiful Master earlier tonight, Houston is still looking confident in Scorched Earth's position.

BM: Is it any wonder? They have used our own honor code against us and taken the Psycho Driver Tag Team Titles. Surely he expects to walk away after handing the Hard Master a defeat.

Slush: Given the Hard Master's obvious porn career maybe Houston could just throw the religious right at him.

Pinhead: I wonder why more church groups don't come after you.

Slush: I have a very open ended restraining order against Jesusheads. Thank you Federal Court of Latveria.

Pinhead: That's not a real country.

Slush: And the platypus is more plant than animal. What's your point?

[Houston in the ring, he removes his title belt and hands it to the referee. The official shows it to the crowd, garnering quite a decent response. He hands it to the ringside attendant and much like Houston, they wait for the arrival of The Hard Master.

The lights go out.

Camera flashes spring up everywhere...

...until the spotlight once again shines down onto the pulpit.

There, Steve “Uatu” Jones stands ready, one hand forward with fingers sprawled out. One could swear there were stars in his eyes. With his booming voice he speaks...]

SUJ: ARE HUMANS BORN TO FIGHT? ARE THEY BORN INTO A CYCLE OF VIOLENCE THAT WILL HAUNT THEM, CONSUME THEM, ENVELOP THEM UNTIL THE DAY THEY DIE?

[Jones, for a moment, gazes downward.]

SUJ: THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I MAY ANSWER. MY DUTY IS NOT TO ANSWER BUT TO OBSERVE. AND LO, I TELL YOU ABOUT THE MAN CALLED THE HARD MASTER!

[The fans cheer at the mention of their hero’s name.]

SUJ: HE IS A MAN WHO CARRIES THE SCARS OF WAR UPON HIS FLESH. THESE ARE WARS BOTH LONG FORGOTTEN AND SPOKEN ABOUT IN EPIC SONG AND POEM, AKIN TO THOSE TOLD BY WARRIORS OF THE NORTH IN HALLS OF MEAD AND PALAVER!

[Jones brings his hand to a close, forefinger to thumb.]

SUJ: IS IT THE GLORY HE SOUGHT? DID HIS THIRST FOR BLOOD CONSUME HIM? THESE ARE THE GREAT UNKNOWNS THAT HAVE SURROUNDED THE HARD MASTER FOR YEARS!

IT IS SEEKING PEACE, TRANQUILITY AND COMPLETENESS THAT THIS MAN WHO WOULD ONE DAY BECOME THE HARD MASTER CAME UPON PARTS UNKNOWN, NOT FOR WAR BUT FOR PEACE! NOT FOR QUESTIONS BUT ANSWERS!

[Jones then opens both arms wide, soon pointing to the entrance way.]

SUJ: HERE THE MAN WAS WELCOMED AND ACCEPTED AS A MASTER OF HIS HARD CRAFT, A CRAFT THAT HAS DESTROYED SO MANY.

FINALLY, SOMEONE CAME TO HIM IN GRATITUDE AND THANKED HIM FOR WHO HE WAS! IN THE MOST SIMPLE OF WAYS THEY THANKED HIM AND SAID...

[A VERY familiar baseline begins to play, igniting the crowd into a frenzy unseen in these Parts Unknown. Houston, suddenly wide eyed with anxiety, knows this music as well.]

SUJ: HEY MAN...

[Then the drums begin.]

SUJ: ...NICE SHOT!!!

[Ever still, the crowd grows louder, grows more excited for from the entrance comes the freshly shorn and freshly shaved Hard Master...]

SUJ: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HAILING FROM NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK, THE ETERNAL HARD MASTER OF PARTS UNKNOWN....

...

[Wait for it]

...

SUJ : ..."THE SHOTGUN" STAN CRAWFORD!!!

[As Jones grows silent, his gaze stretches across the crowd, sitting there like stars in the cosmos. Crawford like a cosmic, mercurial surfer of the galactic existence makes his way to the ring, eyes locked upon his opponent, his enemy, his prey! And the people, like those who chanted to ancient Gods, sing his song!]

#I wish I would've met you#
#Now it's a little late#
#What you could've taught me#
#I could've saved some face#
#They think that your early ending#
#Was all wrong#
#For the most part they're right#
#But look how they all got strong#
#That's why I say hey man, nice shot#
#What a good shot man#

[With Crawford now ringside, he looks out into the crowd who begin the chorus in full.]

#A man#
#Has gun#
#Hey man#
#Have fun#
#Nice shot #

[Crawford steps into the ring and walks within a few feet of Kirk Houston and the referee. To his credit, Houston stands his ground, now over the wave of fear that goes before the fall of many an opponent of The Hard Master.

Crawford sees the house microphone and takes it up. The crowd silences in anticipation of hearing him speak.]

SC: I had a good thing going here. I was living a relatively quiet life. I was respected by all, feared by some, and was in need of nothing. But I never ever truly thought that I was done with my old life. My violent life. You can't escape the past, and I knew that.

[Crawford, tilts his head up and stares into space for a few seconds. When he starts talking again, it's a bit softer than before. The crowd quiets down even more as he speaks.]

SC: I started having dreams. Violent dreams, dreams of kicking asses and spilling blood. Dreams of people screaming at me, cheering me on. Dreams of people screaming at me, begging for mercy. I started to realize that these weren't dreams of the past, happy memories from the old times. No, these were visions. Visions of my future. Visions of pain I had yet to inflict on people. So I began to prepare for a fight. Maybe my last fight - I'm not as young as I used to be.

[Crawford focuses his concentration on Kirk Houston. His voice raises.]

SC: Then you, Kirk Houston, came around and you disrespected me in my home, and to be honest, I was a little disappointed. This was my vision, my destiny? This man, if you can call him that, was the reason I was going to abandon my quiet, contemplative life? I began to question what was going on. After all, do you see a tiger swat at flies? No, he ignores them, allowing them to land on the remnants of his fresh kills and gather around his feces. You Kirk, came buzzing into my life, and it seemed to me that I would be better off just letting you be.

[Crawford has raw hatred in his eyes. There are now people in the crowd hiding behind their chairs in terror. Kirk Houston hasn't moved a muscle, his own hate-filled eyes staring at Crawford.]

SC: But you disrespected this place, Parts Unknown. This place that I have made my home. This place where I am the Hard Master. There is a code of honor here that you have spit on. That alone deserves my scorn, and a beating. And then there's the Bastardship of the Ring, and the words of the Bastardnomicon. And now I realize that my visions and dreams weren't merely about swatting a fly like you, Kirk. All this time, it was about helping to fulfill the prophecies. It was about making things right.

So that's what I'm going to do.

[In one swift motion, Crawford tosses the microphone down and charges at Houston. The reigning Bastard Stampede champion meets him halfway, colliding with Crawford at mid ring. The two start slugging it out, trading punches all to the delight of the raucous Parts Unknown crowd. Houston sneaks in a European Uppercut and takes that brief moment to whip Crawford to the ropes. The Shotgun hits the side of the ring and returns. Houston doubles over, expecting a back body drop but Crawford displays some rare agility, rolling off of Houston’s back and positioning himself perfectly for a move that has ended so many matches before.]

BM: Crawford goes for his 12 Gauge!

Pinhead: Houston escapes and quickly exits the ring. He clearly wasn’t expecting Crawford much less a 12 Gauge.

BM: The judge calls for the official start to this match and Houston is suddenly thinking twice.

Slush: So... who is Crawford?

Pinhead: Seriously? You don’t remember him?

Slush: You expect me to remember a lot of people. I’ve got better use for my memory. Like...

Pinhead: Like?

Slush: I don’t remember.

[After a moment to gather his thoughts, Houston ascends the ring steps and carefully eases his way back into the ring. Crawford waits, beckoning for Houston to dare step forward. Houston obliges him and the two begin to brawl once more. Crawford nails a haymaker and takes Houston over with a snapmare. With his opponent down, the Shotgun starts driving fist after fist into Houston’s skull, all in an effort to beat home a point. And the crowd...]

Crowd: KICK HIS ASS~! KICK HIS ASS~!

KICK HIS ASS~! KICK HIS ASS~!

KICK HIS ASS~! KICK HIS ASS~!

BM: Crawford pulls Houston up and whips him to the corner, following it up with a hard charge with the shoulder to his stomach!

Pinhead: I’ve never known Crawford to not enjoy a fight. It’s safe to say he’s loving every moment of this.

Slush: I bet you there will be one moment he won’t. Like... if he’s got a fart he’s trying to hold in. Nobody enjoys that.

[Crawford lifts Houston up onto the top turnbuckle and climbs in hopes of executing a superplex but Houston is quick to shove Crawford off and to the outside on the floor below. Not being the aerial type, Houston climbs off the turnbuckle and to the outside. Not wishing to miss an opportunity he comes of the apron with a double axehandle across the back of Crawford’s head. Crawford flails and stumbles back into the guardrail. Here the two brawl again, going back and forth as the judge begins his count.]

Crowd: KICK HIS ASS~! KICK HIS ASS~!

KICK HIS ASS~! KICK HIS ASS~!

KICK HIS ASS~! KICK HIS ASS~!

Slush: Are Parts Unknown crowds always so saucy and baudy?

BM: Most nights, yes.

Slush: What about those off nights?

Pinhead: And what are the off nights?

BM: We take Arbor Day very seriously. Very.

Slush: Very?

BM: Very.

[The two monsters continue to brawl on the outside, occasionally rolling into the ring to stop the count by the judge. One way or the other, the two manage to brawl along all four sides of the ring, making the anal retentive geometry fan’s extremely happen. And trust me, this is Parts Unknown. Those fans exist. Soon, they find themselves back in the ring where, looking to get a moment’s reprieve from the blasts of the Shotgun, Houston delivers a low blow that waylays Crawford for a few seconds. Houston backs Crawford to the corner and starts to drop sharp chops to the chest.]

Pinhead: I don’t think Houston can match Crawford for pure power or brutality. But he’s surely a vicious bastard.

Slush: I don’t get it? What’s the difference between viciousness and brutality?

Pinhead: Intent.

Slush: That really makes no sense to me. And this is me you’re talking to. If I want it to, I can make something make sense in my head.

Pinhead: Maybe you’re doing it to spite me.

Slush: Or Magnifico. His mask is out of position by a quarter inch and it’s bothering the Hell out of me.

BM: Houston with an Irish Whip... Crawford reverses... and Houston reverses... The Shotgun to the ropes.

Slush: It’s just.... I don’t know... it’s like it’s waving at me.

BM: Crawford returns and ducks under a clothesline. Another rebound and Crawford comes back for a lariat! We get a quick cover...

One...



And not even a count of two! Houston kicks out and both men are right back to their feet.

Slush: I don’t know if I should wave back. I don’t know the “first contact” protocol in Parts Unknown.

[A brawl once more between the two men breaks out, but this time Crawford catches Houston off guard with a headbutt. The reigning champion staggers enough for Crawford to scoop him up for a powerslam. Crawford backs to the ropes and drops a leg on the rebound. He goes for a cover but Houston is quick to get a shoulder up. Not letting Houston attain an upright position, Crawford applies a sleeper. Though it may not end the match, Crawford's strength with the hold would do plenty to wear Houston down.]

Slush: So Crawford was the Hard Master?

BM: Little did I expect.

Slush: What was he the master of exactly?

BM: As you can see, a very hard style of power and brawling.

Slush: Was the Hard Master popular with the ladies?

BM: Come to think of it...

Slush: Crawford you stud!

[Though Houston manages to reach the ropes, Crawford lingers an extra moment with the sleeper. The judge forces the break, backing Crawford away. Houston rolls out of the ring and walks to the ring attendant's table. He picks up his Bastard Stampede Frontier Union title and starts to make his way around the ring towards the entrance.]

Pinhead: He's leaving?

Slush: Probably has some important E-mail to check. I mean, at this very moment he could get a college degree, low interest home loan and a larger penis through one convenient link.

Pinhead: I'm really starting to worry about this penis obsession you have lately.

BM: The judge has exited the ring and is ordering Houston back into the ring. Houston is giving him the business.

Pinhead: HERE COMES CRAWFORD! SUICIDE DIVE THROUGH THE ROPES!

BM: HOUSTON PULLS THE JUDGE IN THE WAY!

Slush: You two like to yell a lot.

BM: For good reason. Crawford hits the Judge head on and Houston gets away scott free.

Slush: Scott? Who’s Scott? Does he know Fantastico and Magnifico? And why doesn’t his name end in “oh”?

[With the match now his to command, Houston tosses his title belt into the ring before pulling a near unconscious Crawford to his feet and pushing him into the ring. Houston takes a moment to look at the referee and only smiles, seeing that he’s not moving in the slightest. Houston returns to the inside of the ring and grabs his title belt on the way to the middle of the ring. Plan in hand, he lays the belt dead center. His next step involves dragging Crawford up right and doubling him over. Then, with authority...]

BM: Piledriver by Houston straight onto the belt! That is inexcusable!

Slush: Sure he has an excuse. The judge went to sleep.

Pinhead: He’s not sleeping. He probably has a concussion.

Slush: Then he shouldn’t be sleeping. Those two things don’t go well together.

[His opponent motionless on the mat and skull buried in the title belt, Houston sits up confident in what he has done. And even though the crowd boos him wildly, he ignores them and presses on. Back at his feet, he puts the boots to Crawford for good measure. The reigning champ kicks the belt out of the ring and then exits the ring to “check” on the referee. To his credit, the referee is stirring but he clearly doesn’t quite know what hit him. Houston helps him up and assists him rather tersely to get back into the ring. Houston drags the official over before flipping Crawford over and making the cover.]

BM: It’s a slow count by the judge but it’s a count regardless.

One...













Two...








CRAWFORD GETS A SHOULDER UP!

[Overcome with disbelief, Houston first chastises the judge for his slow count. He then pushes himself up, drags Crawford along for the ride to prop him in the corner. Houston delivers hammer blow after hammer blow to Crawford’s head before yanking him out and backs him against the ropes. With as much heft as the champion can muster, Houston makes for an Irish whip but takes the former World champion down with a brutal short clothesline. He goes for another pin but Crawford gets his foot on the ropes.]

BM: Crawford finding ways to escape.

Pinhead: Comes with fighting the wars he has.

Slush: No greater lessons were taught than those during the Cola Wars. Those were dark days. And some say... they’re still here.

[His frustration growing ever more intense, Houston wrenches Crawford up and keeps him doubled over. After multiple shots to the back of the neck, Houston hooks both of the Shotgun’s arms and prepares to deliver another piledriver. Though without the aid of the title belt, another such maneuver would prove devastating. However, far more devastating things were to happen to simpler facets of life,...

...like pride.]

BM: Crawford suddenly stands and sends Houston up and over. Houston quick to his feet and goes after Crawford. He throws a punch!

Pinhead: No effect!

BM: Houston throws another punch!

Pinhead: No effect!

BM: Another!

Slush: Mass Effect! One through three!

[Every punch Houston throws lands, but they only serve to make Crawford angrier. That's saying quite a lot considering that through the wonders of high definition television home viewers can practically read Frontier Union along Crawford's forehead. After letting Houston's anxiety build, Crawford finally unleashes a hay maker of his own, putting Houston into a world of trouble. Taking him by the ropes, Crawford uses than ol' whip of the Emerald Island to send his opponents to the ropes. Momentum off the bounce carries Houston back into...]

BM: SPINEBUSTER SLAM!

Pinhead: Crawford goes for the cover... wait... here come Houston's cronies!

Slush: Is cronies a politically correct term? It must be since I don't have it in my vocabulary.

[Both The Shifter and Jefferson McKeid charge to the ring to make the save for their boss. The Shifter is the first to enter but Crawford connects his boot with the masked man's face. McKeid tries to grab him from behind but Crawford swings around to get behind McKeid.]

Pinhead: 12 Gauge on McKeid!

BM: The Shifter tries to get Crawford again but Crawford uses The Shifter's own momentum to toss him out of the ring.

Pinhead: HERE COMES HOUSTON WITH THE TITLE BELT!!!

BM: Crawford ducks out of the way... Houston can't stop his forward momentum and Crawford gets behind...

Pinhead: 12 GAUGE!

BM: Crawford covers, the judge is in place!

One...




...



...


Two...



...




...

THREE!

WINNER BY PINFALL AND NEW CHAMPION:
“The Shotgun” Stan Crawford:
**********************************************************

[Technically speaking, "Hey Man Nice Shot" starts to play again but one would know to listen to the volume of the crowd. The judge takes the Frontier Union Championship belt and hands it to Crawford before raising the new champion's arm in victory.]

BM: A new champion is crowned but a familiar face will be representing Parts Unknown in the Bastardship of the Ring.

Pinhead: The possibility of Crawford tangling with Crimson, Jerry Titus, Ryu Osawa…any of those guys really, is mind numbing.

Slush: There are top quality drugs for that.

Pinhead: Most if not all illegal.

Slush: It’s just an election away from being otherwise baby!

Pinhead: That’s... comforting.

Slush: For the first time in a couple shows, I didn't get forcibly drugged.

[As if on cue, a small, multicolored tree frog lands on the table in front of Slush.]

Slush: ALIEN!

BM: No, that's just a Parts Unknown Hallucinogenic Tree Frog.

Slush: Damn my new alien masters and their control over me. Streak’s over.

[Slush picks up the frog and licks it. As he smiles in rapture, his eyes roll into the back of his head and he falls face first...

THUNK!

...into the table.]

BM: Did he really feel he had to do that?

Pinhead: Can I get somebody to help me load him up in the sidecar?

BM: Not a problem. But also before you leave for your next destination, take this.

Pinhead: What is this?

BM: The Handbook for the Judges of Parts Unknown. I know that you must next travel to the territory controlled by the MBC referees union.

Pinhead: RUTABEGA.

BM: Perhaps in that, you will find something to ease the negotiations.

Pinhead: Much appreciated Magnifico.

BM: For now, I bid you and everyone a fond farewell from everyone here in...

Crowd: ...PARTS UNKNOWN!

[The crowd cheers wildly upon the final mention of their town’s name. The camera pans the crowd, even catching Ayako Fujiwara going up to random fans, judges in tow, and German Suplexing them ruthlessly. She covers the fan and gets the three count. Rinse, repeat.

And finally, we fade to sweet merciful black.]
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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crimsonjoe
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Quote:
 
Don’t think I’ve not forgotten about September 27th, 1981 Mister Mayor of Cincinnati.


I'm sorry that wasn't in 1977 instead. The Mayor of Cincinnati then was... well, see for yourself.

List of Cincinnati Mayors
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MBCKyle
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crimsonjoe,Dec 22 2012
02:55 PM
Quote:
 
Don’t think I’ve not forgotten about September 27th, 1981 Mister Mayor of Cincinnati.


I'm sorry that wasn't in 1977 instead. The Mayor of Cincinnati then was... well, see for yourself.

List of Cincinnati Mayors

Oh trust me. Jerry Springer was the genesis for the idea behind that bit of commentary. Just didn't fit the time frame I wanted.
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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