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Unnamed Bastard Show Episode 8 HOUR TWO
Topic Started: Mar 13 2013, 04:11 PM (764 Views)
MBCKyle
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The Soda Dog Refreshment Squad
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Fade in: We have a couple of masked people... evidently, Parts Unknown isn't the only place you are going to find people concealing their identities under masks.

But in this case, it isn't surprising that these two would do this. After all, they've been doing ever since they were first spotted around the MBC.

These would be the Chromosomes, X and Y. And even as they go out and about, away from the confines of a wrestling show, they still wear those masks, along with blue jeans and black hoodies.

And they are making their way down a dark alley, where they come upon a door with what appears to have a smaller door near the top. Y knocks on the main door and the smaller door opens slightly, where we can only see a pair of eyes.]

Pair of eyes: What's the password?

Y: Is it case sensitive?

Pair of eyes: Correct... now what do you want?

X: Our faces on the one dollar bill.

Pair of eyes: No, besides that.

Y: You haven't figured out what we wanted by now?

Pair of eyes: I thought I had figured it out but I'm still not sure why.

X: Because if there is going to be any unification of the territories, it's not going to come without us ensuring that chaos and terror run rampant through the MBC again.

Y: Even if it means no Harlequins and that Binky is left out of the equation.

Pair of eyes: Do you know what you are asking, though? You could cause that havoc you want just by asking Slush to perform a Chippendales dance.

X: But we want to ensure that people keep tuning in to see what happens next.

Y: And we certainly don't want that havoc to involve multiple lawsuits.

Pair of eyes: Believe me, what you are asking for will make multiple lawsuits seem like a walk in the park.

X: Believe us, it is the only way to ensure that chaos we wish to cause lives up to its billing.

Y: In the meantime, we have a pair of titles to defend. The only question we have that needs to be answered is... are we agreed on that representative.

[Silence. I guess you could call it uneasy if you want.]

Pair of eyes: Very well... your request shall be granted. I just hope you know what you are getting into.

X: That's the beauty of it... we don't know what we are getting into.

Y: But we do know it will give us what we want.

Pair of eyes: Then your representative will be there.

[Fade out, back to the RUTABEGA compound. Our cameras go straight back to the commentary team.]

EC: I’m not sure that is particularly good news for us as a territory. Who could our representative be that could cause that much chaos?

LM: Forget that! I’m not comfortable with what’s going on right here!

Slush: Awwww yeah!

LM: What are you doing?

Slush: You heard the masked weirdos! They want a Chippendale’s dance! By God, you’re going to get a Chippendale’s dance!

LM: No damnit!

Slush: WHO WANT’S SOME FULL FRONTAL SLUSH?

LM: Somebody get Fluffy! Somebody get a cattle prod! Somebody...

[A moment of static just as chaos unfolds. Wisely, the scene changes.

A humble abode. It's no Crystal Cathedral of Chaos, that's for sure. We open up to a shot of a cramped studio apartment, where we see Perfect Girl Evolution's little punching bag, Tomoko Honda, seated cross-legged on a futon. She's wearing a light pink baby t-shirt that reads, "<3 <3 Hi Goddess? Bring me my pungent boyfriend! <3 <3". She's more cute than beautiful, with a slightly angular face and long hair w/soft French curls.

Just then, a box is tossed in front of her. She opens it and digs through the Styrofoam peanuts, pulling out...a ring bell. She holds it up, looking confused.]

Tomoko: What is this?

[The camera then cuts to the ever "mysterious" Perfect Girl Evolution spy...Mistress Nightshade! The masked femme fatale is seated across from Tomoko, wearing a black leather jacket, a bright and cheery t-shirt that disturbingly reads "Hoping to mutilate hookers bringing me happy!" with smiling stick figure holding up a knife, and torn black leggings.]

"Mistress Nightshade": The ringbell stolen by the referees of RUTEBEGA from the Holly Hotbody/Laura Davis champion vs champion unification match that never took place during the UWF/MBC merger. The massive butthurt from the wrestling fanbase that resulted from that match's cancellation has yet to have died down. As it stands, that bell is probably a very valuable and historic relic to this territory.

[Tomoko stares at Nightshade incredulously.]

Tomoko: And you just STOLE it?

"Mistress Nightshade": I RECOVERED it, Tomoko. The bell didn't belong to the referees and they had no right to take it in the first place.

Tomoko: So what am I suppose to do with this thing?

[Nightshade shrugs.]

"Mistress Nightshade": I dunno...smash Jan Delgado over the head with it? It seems like the only logical way to use it.

[A frown forms on Tomoko's face.]

Tomoko: There's no way we could get away with that. The referees here are stricter than a Catholic school nun...I'd be disqualified for sure.

[Nightshade waves her hand dismissively.]

"Mistress Nightshade": Well...whatever. Miyuki's instructions to me were clear. She told me you couldn't win without that bell.

[The two just sit there for a moment staring at the ring bell in front of them, pondering what purpose this ring bell may serve. After a few seconds, Tomoko breaks the silence.]

Tomoko: You know...it's not like I don't appreciate your help, Hitomi...

...but can you help me without wearing that creepy mask?

[Nightshade then lifts the mask, revealing her face and frowns.]

Hitomi: You don't understand, Tomoko, it's only when I'm wearing this mask that I can truly be myself.

[Tomoko gives her a look of McKayla Maroney-level disdain.]

Tomoko: Hitomi...you wear that mask to pretend to be a thousand year-old vampire fortune teller.

[Hitomi crosses her arms over her chest and meets Tomoko's gaze.]

Hitomi: TRULY. BE. MYSELF.

Tomoko: O...kaaay.

[She immediately scoots herself over an extra foot away from Hitomi.]

Hitomi: Look, the mask may creep you out, but as the two outcasts of Perfect Girl Evolution, we need to stick together...

Tomoko[Interrupting]: Wait...I'm an outcast!?

Hitomi: Well...yeah. We all pretty much hate you and everything you stand for, Tomoko. Didn't you know?

Tomoko: Oh.

[She looks as if a little piece of her soul just died right then and there.]

Hitomi: That...and you're also a lousy cuddler.

[And just like that, a spark of life returns to Tomoko's eyes.]

Tomoko: Hey! I told you guys at the Night of a Thousand Spoonings and I'll tell you again...a delicate flower like me is meant to be held...not the other way around!

[Hitomi just rolls her eyes.]

Hitomi: Sure, whatever. But think about it...all the other girls in Perfect Girl Evolution have overwhelming strengths and talents that are completely obvious to anybody. If we're going to come up with a plan to defeat Jan Delgado, we need to play to our strengths. The question is...what do _we_ bring to the table?

Tomoko: We can carry on a conversation in perfect English?

[...]

Hitomi: Try again.

Tomoko: Look, I've been a professional wrestler for six years, Hitomi. All I've done during that time is live, eat, and breathe wrestling. Can't we just rely on my own skills?

[A look of disgust forms on Hitomi's face.]

Hitomi: NO! What are you, crazy!? Everything you knew before you joined up with us was garbage! Absolute garbage! If your goal was to be a pathetic weakling, then you were succeeding spectacularly!

[Hitomi rubs her temples.]

Hitomi: Just...just try to think about what Miyuki's taught you.

Tomoko: Well...I know how to properly apply make-up now. And my hair...it's never been this shiny and bouncy...

Hitomi: No...something that would actually help you WIN a wrestling match.

Tomoko: Well...I've mastered the use of electroshock weaponry.

[From out of nowhere, Tomoko holds up a taser.]

Hitomi: Right. And I've mastered the art of carving bitches up with a shiv.

[Both girls drop their heads, dejected.]

Tomoko: Well that's just great! In a promotion run by REFEREES...you're telling me that my best shot at defeating Jan Delgado is through the completely impossible and utterly illegal use of weapons!?

[Hitomi shrugs.]

Hitomi: Well...yeah. It's not exactly IDEAL...but the overall concept of cheating to win isn't the problem. I mean, plenty of people do it.

[Hitomi grabs the taser out of Tomoko's hand.]

Hitomi: It's just that our weapons aren't exactly subtle.


***~BZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTT!!!!~***


Hitomi: See? It's not likely we could get away with using them.

Tomoko: Please don't point that thing at me.

Hitomi: And even worse, We lack the things that allow Miyuki and the other girls to get away with all the ridiculous [MEEP] they pull.

[She points to her chest.]

Hitomi: *sigh* A womanly figure.

[Tomoko points to her OWN chest and shakes her head, disagreeing with Hitomi's assessment of their assets.]

Hitomi: Sex appeal.

Tomoko: Hey!

[Hitomi then leans forward and does a tantalizing shimmy.]

Hitomi: And the talent to use it.

[Tomoko looks more than a bit annoyed by this assault on her womanly talents.]

Tomoko: I'm not ugly, damnit! I bloomed like a beautiful flower from a pot of dirt! Everyone said so!

[It takes just about all of Hitomi's willpower to keep her from laughing.]

Hitomi: Sure, a year with us managed to de-uglify you to the point where you're pretty much cute enough to be obsessed over by basement dwellers...but face it, girl...you spent way too many years in Girl Fight earning how to become a butch spinster with the grace of a gorilla and absolutely no chance to ever catch a man's eye to fix all your problems overnight. Flirtation, seduction and manipulation is still beyond your capability.

[The number one contender looks away, slightly embarrassed.]

Tomoko: I...can't disagree with that.

Hitomi: And while I might have the know-how, compared to you, I'm...

Tomoko: ...as flat as a board?

[Hitomi glares at Tomoko with cold, dead eyes.]

Hitomi: Don't make me cut you.

[Tomoko returns that icy glare.]

Tomoko: I'm sorry, it just slipped out.

[She doesn't seem to be sorry at all.]

Hitomi and Tomoko: ...

[Just let that awkward silence stew for a moment, girls.]

Hitomi: Anyhow, if we're going to go find a way to defeat Delgado, we need to lay down some groundwork. We need to gain some sort of psychological advantage over her. In wrestling, it's 10% physical and 150% mental.

Tomoko: But...that's 160%.

[Hitomi rolls her eyes.]

Hitomi: Didn't we teach you anything? We're Japanese, Tomoko...we operate at a much higher level.

Tomoko: ...right.

Hitomi: But see...you and Jan Delgado? You're too similar. You're both plucky underdog types that gained the self-confidence to become much greater than you previously were...only YOU weren't lucky enough to have a bitchy cousin holding a world title to capitalize on your new found self-confidence. You could be woman and you couldn't let us hear you roar!

Tomoko: Wait...Holly Hotbody's her cousin?

[A laugh from Hitomi.]

Hitomi: Yeah. It's probably the only reason Jan sniffed the world title in the first place. Don't you just love nepotism?

[Suddenly, Tomoko's face twists into an emotion we've yet to see from her...that of pure rage.]

Tomoko: NO...I HATE IT! FAMILY DRAMA IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS BULL[MEEP]!

[She slams an angry fist into the wall for emphasis. Hitomi, understandably, is freaked the hell out by this.]

Hitomi: Woah...where did THAT come from?

[An apologetic look forms on Tomoko's face as she seems to regain her senses.]

Tomoko: I don't know...it's...it's just something I feel strongly about, that's all. I think it's just that I've seen too many people that are related in this sport squabble over the stupidest things and it annoys me, I'm like..."Don't drag your dirty laundry into my professional wrestling, damnit!" ...or something.

Hitomi: Well...save that fire for the ring. Don't take it out on me.

Tomoko: ...understood.

Hitomi: But what WE need to do now is to build you into an overwhelming favorite. Cut you away from that underdog crap and make you the baddest bitch in town. So much so, that it absolutely _crushes_ Jan's fragily constructed self-esteem into a million billion itty-bitty pieces!

Tomoko: Actually, wouldn't that backfire on us? Wouldn't it then just make for a better story if the underdog Jan Delgado overcame the odds and defeated me?

It's like you're TRYING to jinx me.

[A look of resentment.]

Hitomi: Oh, don't be so dramatic. Sure, in some narratives the underdog concept works, but we have to make you so spectacular, such a huge and magnificent shining star that the world wouldn't want to see Jan DEFY overwhelming odds...but be utterly DESTROYED by them!

[A look of doubt forms on Tomoko's face.]

Tomoko: That doesn't seem like something I'm capable of at all.

[Hitomi shakes her head.]

Hitomi: Don't worry about it! It's all in the marketing and presentation. Just leave it to me!

[She smiles big at Tomoko, looking rather proud of herself.]

Tomoko: No offense, but I'm not sure you're capable of that, either.

[That smile quickly disappears as Hitomi crawls towards Tomoko and stares her eye-to-eye.]

Hitomi: Look...I've lived in the shadow of the greatest female wrestler of our generation for my entire life. You don't develop a severe inferiority complex being compared to Miyuki Ozaki for the entirety of your existence without picking up a few of her tricks.

I KNOW what I'm doing.

[The look on her face is crazed...yet adorable.]

Hitomi: We're at the absolute bottom of the pecking order, Tomoko. There's us. The dirt. The worms that live in the dirt. Perfect Girl Evolution. The bottom of Miyuki's boots. Her Hello Kitty! panties. And then, Miyuki. It's through some weird miracle of the universe that YOU of all people got a world title shot. Expectations for us succeeding are about as low as they can get...but if we can pull this off...

...wow.

Just WOW.

[To the more perverted mind, it would look like they're about to kiss. To a normal person that isn't Slush, Pablo O'Connor or Gordon J. Dutt... their faces are just really close to each other.]

Hitomi: So are you with me on this or what?

[Tomoko gives a short nod.]

Tomoko: I'm in.

[Satisfied by that answer, Hitomi backs away.]

Hitomi: First order of business, then...you have to SOUND like a champion. Just being called "Tomoko" or "T-Honda" or whatever lame-ass name you're running with these days isn't going to cut it.

Got any ideas?

[A frown forms on Tomoko's face.]

Tomoko: Well, you know...before the Bastard Olympics came along, I was thinking about calling myself, "The Beautiful Master"...but then it turns out someone's already using it.

[A snort from Hitomi.]

Hitomi: Pffft. Yeah...The "Beautiful" Master. Just because SHE wears a mask and no one can see her face, she's suddenly a BEAUTIFUL master.

[A look of disgust forms on her face.]

Hitomi: Pretentious bitch.

[She crosses her arms, looking rather annoyed now.]

Hitomi: Okay, fine. Tomoko! From now on, you're the SUPER Beautiful Master. No! The Super Beautiful Master Tomoko Honda! Now then, for step two of our plan...

Tomoko: Wait!

Can I just call myself Tomoko for short?

[The camera cuts over to Hitomi, who has put the the mask back on.]

Hitomi: Super Mistress Nightshade will allow this.

[A look of annoyance forms on Tomoko's face.]

Tomoko: Take off that damn mask!

[Cut back to ringside at the RUTABEGA compound. Slush is passed out on the ground next to Lisa and Emmanuel, shirt half opened. Nearby, Pinhead is seen talking to the ring announcer.]

EC: Wow.

[Lisa holds up a cattle prod in amazement.]

LM: Took the whole charge to take him down.

EC: Is he smiling?

LM: I think so. But I don’t want to wipe the foam and drool from his mouth to find out.

[Done with his talk with the announcer, Pinhead joins them at the table.]

Pinhead: Huh.

LM: He only brought it on himself.

Pinhead: Let me guess. Chippendale’s dance?

LM: How’d you know?

Pinhead: Sadly, it doesn’t matter what you know. We are all doomed to have history repeat itself.

EC: Either way, welcome to our table. If you don’t mind me asking, what were you speaking to the ring announcer about?

Pinhead: You’ll find out shortly. Some breaking news in regards to the next match.

LM: Jan Delgado versus Tomoko Honda?

Pinhead: Exactly.

EC: We’ve been looking forward to this one quite a bit. A lot of animosity as been building, especially since Tomoko has been going off on a Twitter campaign claiming that Jan Delgado is a man.

LM: And Jan looks ready for a fight. She brought with her an entourage today.

Pinhead: Considering where Jan came from, I’m glad to see she’s ready for a fight. She is a lovely woman who has built confidence in herself. She’s a role model, something lacking in today’s world.

Slush: Unn.....

Pinhead: There are too many of... “these” laying around.

Slush: God... is that you?

LM: Where’d Fluffy go?

EC: He had to get another cattle prod. You used all the juice in the one he had.

LM: Can we tell him to hurry? Slush is waking up and he may need another jolt.

RING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, a new stipulation has been added to this contest.

[The crowd, despite booing everything tonight, at least quiet down long enough to let the ring announcer speak.]

RING ANNOUNCER: Whichever woman walks away from this match as champion shall go to the Unnamed Bastard Supershow and face the Goblin Queen in a Women's Title Unification match!

[Many cheer, simply because they know this to be a match destined to be bloody and ugly.]

LM: A unification match? That’s what you told him?

Pinhead: It’s one of the final pieces to the Supershow puzzle.

EC: So it will be the MBC Women's Championship merged with the Bastard Stampede Women's Championship?

LM: The Goblin Queen must be licking her chops on that one.

Slush: And slaying orcs on Mount Doom.

Pinhead: Whether it be Jan Delgado or Tomoko, either one will have a hard time. But I'm sure they can both rise to the challenge.

[As the ring announcer prepares to introduce the challenger, we suddenly see the masked "Mistress Nightshade" sprinting down the aisle and sliding into the ring. She whispers something into the ring announcer's ear, as he mouths an audible "Are you kidding me!? You got HIM???"]

RING ANNOUNCER: I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...introducing now, Tomoko Honda's personal ring announcer...

[He turns to Nightshade with an unsure look, before turning back to the crowd.]

...BUFORD P. HIGGINS.

[There's some murmurs of shock from the crowd as the greatest(or most obnoxious) ring announcer in all of professional sports, wearing an all-white suit and exuding more swag than should be allowed for a 5'8, 140 lbs man should, struts his way down to the ring. There, he produces his trademark gold microphone, as he addresses the masses.]

BPH: Surprised to see me, playas? Well, if you didn't know...I'm also available for weddings, birthdays, and bar mitzvahs!

[He cackles.]

BPH: Now then, playas, get up on your feet and show your appreciation for YOUR next MBC Women's champion! She got the body that rocks the party, the curves that make the men ALL think naughty, she's scrumptious and delicious and inside the ring, she's straight up VICIOUS! Tonight, she weighs in a bra-burstin', panty-droppin', 1000% metric system approved...SIXTY-THREE KILOS.

[That's 139 pounds, folks.]

BPH: She is known and feared all around the world as the Epitome of Evil!

[What?]

BPH: The Last American Badass!

[Wait a minute...]

BPH: AND...The Black Jesus!

[That's definitely not right!]

BPH: She hails from Sendai, Miyagi Prefecture, Japan! Here is the SUPER BEAUTIFUL MASTER!

To. Moko.

[Deep breath now!]

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAA
A!!!!!

[All eyes move towards the entrance way, as the house lights grow dark and a single, lone spotlight hits a lone figure standing there, shining white hot and far too brilliant to see as the voice of Alicia Keys can be heard over the PA system.]

#She's just a girl, and she's on fire#
#Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway#
#She's living in a world, and it's on fire#
#Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away#

#Oh, she got both feet on the ground#
#And she's burning it down#
#Oh, she got her head in the clouds#
#And she's not backing down#


#THIS GIRL ON FIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#


*WHOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!*

[A HUGE column of flame bursts forth from the entrance way, revealing Tomoko Honda with her head and arms thrown back in a crucifix pose. She wears what can only be described as the torn-up remains of a short, black wedding dress meant for the bride of some demonic hellspawn, a hot mess of black chiffon and lace... and damn, if she doesn't look good in it. She steps up onto a motorized mini-ring and rides it to the ring, waving to the crowd with Miss Teen USA-like precision. The crowd is in awe of Tomoko, who may have just pulled off what was the most expensive ring entrance of the year. It's almost as if they just witnessed the arrival of wrestling royalty. One most important and influential women's wrestler in all the world...and well, at the moment...you can't deny that she kinda is.]

EC: I just don't know what to make of this.

LM: Where’d is she get that dress?

Slush: I've got dibs!

LM: Dibs? Why?

Slush: Respect my uniqueness!

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
MBC WOMEN’S WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE MATCH
JAN DELGADO ( c ) versus TOMOKO HONDA
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

[Satisfied with the splendor of the entrance, Mistress Nightshade found herself giddy at the shell shocked expressions across the faces of many in the crowd. But the shock soon faded when "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne began to play. This was not to cheer but to boo just as they had for everyone else this night.]

EC: And here comes the champion... and she's not alone.

Slush: oh man, gang wars get me all warm and fuzzy.

LM: I don't recognize any of these women.

Slush: Two words. Hot. Asian. Women.

LM: That's three words.

Slush: And they’re all you need to know. Stop harassing people with your fact checking and maybe one day you'll land a husband. Or... masculine life partner. I won't judge.

Pinhead: If you watched the MBC Olympics or follow Japanese women's wrestling, you'd recognize these women as Suki Hamada, Naima Ito, and Mika Kato from BAJ.

Slush: Hot. asian. Women.

Pinhead: Ideally, they're here to keep PGE in check.

Slush: Slumber party?

[With both women in the ring and their respective entourages outside, the referee took the title belt to loft it above his head. The referee however did not signal for the start of the match.]

Pinhead: Something wrong?

EC: Our outside enforcing referee hasn't come back yet.

LM: We should have a fully charged cattle prod somewhere.

Pinhead: It disturbs me to no end that you allow that.

LM: Our referees deserve the chance to protect themselves.

EC: I'm getting word from the back...

Slush: Do they have an open taco bar setup?

EC: It appears we will have a special guest outside enforcer for this match. Let's turn it over to our regular announcer.

RING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight's special guest outside enforcer...


..



...THE GOBLIN QUEEN!!!


["Maladise" by Nunchaku began to play over the sound system and from the entrance, clad in a zebra striped referee's shirt and a cattle prod in each hand, came her majesty, The Goblin Queen. A look of death adorned her face, a twisted look of disgust melded into pleasure at the thought of destroying beauty.]

LM: Oh dear. This is a surprise.

Slush: Really! Gordon J. Dutt wearing that color after Labor Day?

Pinhead: With most people I would say they do this to scope out their competition. This... this just smells of a bad, bloody idea.

LM: I think that's Slush.

Slush: I invented a new body spray called "Battering Ram." Like Axe but without making you retarded or a douche bag.

[Both Tomoko and Delgado exercised their freedom of opinion to the referee but official Jameel J. Urkel pulled a small rulebook from his pocket to reiterate that this was within the rules. Meanwhile, the Queen and Gordon J. Dutt took up spots at ringside.]

EC: There's the bell. The two ladies are still complaining.

Slush: You must have [MEEP]y catering. I mean you don't even have an open taco bar.

LM: Our referee is giving both women a warning about conduct, pointing to the outside enforcer.

[Both women turned to see a crooked smile etched across the face of the Queen. Her majesty tapped the end of her cattle prod in the palm of her hand, just waiting for one of them to slip up. Saying nothing more, the two began to circle, finally tying up at center ring.]

EC: And there they go.

Pinhead: Under coercion.

Slush: I hope they picked a safe word.

[In spite of the distractions on the outside, Tomoko and Jan kept the opening moments clean, utilizing take downs and holds. Even as they came close to the edges of the ring, their respective groups remained passive, either out of design or out of fear of the Queen. The Goblin monarch patrolled the outskirts, hissing and growling at the representatives of BAJ and PGE even as they gave her a wide berth.]

Pinhead: Tomoko with a snap mare... into a sleeper.

EC: Delgado pushing back... manages to get Honda into a corner.

Slush: What's your safe word Lisa?

LM: If I had one I certainly wouldn't tell you.

Slush: That's playing it close Lisa. That didn't work out so well for Keith Carradine.

LM: I think you mean David Carradine.

Slush: He forgot his lemon wedge. That's a completely different set of problems.

[Tomoko watched Jan closely, hoping to find a single crack in her confidence. Had there been one, it could easily be the end result of Tomoko's viral campaign, declaring Jan was a man. Had there been any psychological effects to the smear fest, Jan appeared to channel it all into a singular focus. Delgado struck quickly and efficiently, using her speed and agility to attack Tomoko hard at the most opportune times. But Tomoko herself was a solid technical wrestler. For every attack, she countered well. The back and forth dazzled the crowd despite their propensity to boo the hell out of both women.]

Pinhead: Your referee sure is watching this match closely.

EC: Can you blame him? Look at all these explosive elements.

Slush: Again, you’re missing the point.

EC: And that is?

Slush: We’re surrounded by hot Asian women. How can there be anything wrong?

LM: I don’t know. The promise of all hell breaking loose?

Slush: Then you need to be riding the eye of the storm.

[The referee indeed kept his eye close. With every spinning heel kick or tornado DDT, he checked for feet on the rope for the resulting pin. With every take down, he made sure that not a single strand of hair was being pulled. And though the Goblin Queen started to look tired of the fair play, the other women at ringside doubled their resolve, knowing that a combustible element could go off at anytime.]

EC: Tomoko stuns Delgado with a series of head butts... the champion is dazed...

Pinhead: Honda maneuvers behind... body scissors... full nelson! Tomoko Lock!

Slush: Is that like Loch Ness? Is there is Tomoko Lock Ness Monster?

LM: That’s the most random thing I’ve ever heard.

Slush: It’s okay. It’s not sure fault. You can’t help that you’re not blessed with my presence more often.

Pinhead: Delgado is struggling to keep standing even as Tomoko is trying to drag her down. The more she fights though, the more she’ll be exhausted!

EC: Delgado reaching for the ropes... just barely out of reach...

Slush: Okay, am I the only one who KNOWS she’s not going to reach it?

LM: How can you be so sure?

Slush: That girl has lived under the glass ceiling named Holly Hotbody her entire life. She’ll never bust through.

Pinhead: You don’t count defeating Holly for the MBC Women’s Championship busting through?

Slush: Not with that bust. Her boobs, though perky, are not Holly quality.

LM: You’re such a pig!

EC: Tomoko wrenching it in... Delgado falling....BUT SHE HAS THE TOP ROPE!

[Despite Delgado reaching the rope, Tomoko held the maneuver on, prompting the referee to intercede. Just at the count of four, Tomoko relinquished the hold and received a stern warning for her trouble. With Delgado down on one knee, trying to catch her breath, Tomoko looked to strike again. But once she was close, Jan rocked her with a European uppercut. Tomoko shook it off, coming in again. But the reigning champion found a deep reserve, rocking Tomoko with punch after punch. Quickly, Delgado was in control, whipping Tomoko to the ropes and upon the return a violent snap mare brought Honda down low. Delgado took for the ropes and with the added momentum she hit a baseball slide right into the side of Tomoko’s head.]

EC: The tide has turned!

LM: Should have listened to the referee.

EC: Should have listened to me when I told her junk bonds were the way to go.

Pinhead: Jan with a standing moonsault! There’s a cover...

One...



Two...


Kickout by Tomoko!

EC: The champ is quickly on top of Tomoko with a number of punches! Now she’s pulling her back to her feet!

Pinhead: Delgado looking to put this one away but Tomoko is fighting! Tomoko coming on like a wild fire!

Slush: They have shots for that.

Pinhead: Tomoko going for a.. no.. Delgado counters and... Whippersnapper! This match could very well be over!

EC: She’s going for the cover!

One...




Two...






DING!! DING!!

Pinhead: Hold on! There wasn’t a third count! The ref didn't call for the bell! Who rang it!?

EC: The timekeeper is just as confused as the rest of us.

Slush: Not me. I’m toasty. This is the bliss ignorance gets you.

Pinhead: Mistress Nightshade and the ladies of BAJ are trying to figure out what’s going on but The Goblin Queen is keeping them out of the ring.

EC: This match is still ongoing but there’s too much confusion!

LM: Look! In the crowd!

[In the middle of crowd on the lower level stands a woman holding a ring bell. She swings the bell hammer around quite proud of the sound she made.]

LM: Who is that?

Pinhead: That’s Hitomi Shimizu from PGE.

LM: I thought Mistress Nightshade was Hitomi... my brain hurts...

Pinhead: Wait… where did she go?

[As the referee tries to settle the chaos, Jan Delgado looks out into the crowd to see what’s going Behind the referee’s watchful gaze, Hitomi slips out of the crowd and hands it to Tomoko. Seeing her chance, Tomoko strikes the champion from behind.
CLANG~!]

EC: What a cheap shot from Tomoko! Hitomi making off with the ring bell!

Pinhead: Something the referee clearly should have seen but didn’t!

EC: Tomoko hooks the leg and is covering!

One...





Two...




TOMOKO GETS PULLED OUT OF THE RING BY THE GOBLIN QUEEN!

LM: As the outside enforcer, she’s within her right to stop the count if she saw something unseemly.

EC: Tomoko is complaining! AND SHE GETS SHOCKED BY THE CATTLE PROD!

Pinhead: I don’t think the Queen cares about being the referee anymore! She’s going after the women from BAJ and Mistress Nightshade!

Pinhead: The referee is wisely calling for this match to be over and.... The Goblin Queen is going after him as well!

MATCH RULED NO CONTEST:
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

[The match no longer of consequence, the Goblin Queen unleashes her rage, attacking any and everyone who comes near. Mistress Nightshade jumps upon the large woman from behind but the Queen smashes her into the ring apron. Prone to attack, Nightshade finds herself back handed and stuck in the stomach by the cattle prod. ]

Pinhead: Suki Hamada and Naima Ito try to pull rush the Queen but she levels them both with clothesline! Here comes Mika Kato!

LM: OOOH! Cattle prod to the neck!

Pinhead: Jan Delgado trying to make the save in spite of that hard shot to the head! She’s coming off the ring apron... but The Queen catches her with a fist straight to the heart!

EC: And a shot of the cattle prod between the shoulder blades for good measure!

LM: If the Queen intended to deliver a message I think she did it!

EC: I think we’re going to need some paramedics out here.

LM: if they can get past the Goblin Queen.

Slush: To save a man, you must know how to kill a man.

LM: What?

Slush: Oh that’s some ancient eastern philosophy I just made up. Do you like it?

Pinhead: Though there was no winner of this match, Jan Delgado retains her title, meaning she’ll be the one to face the Goblin Queen in the Women’s Title unification match at the Supershow.

EC: She may not be ready after an attack like that.

Pinhead: Surely, that was the Queen’s plan.

LM: Interesting use of that relic of a ringbell.

Pinhead: There was something special about it?

LM: You must have missed that part. It was the bell stolen during the Hotbody/Davis unification match.

Pinhead: Oh no… it’s not good if PGE has it…

LM: Why?

Pinhead: I’ll have to consult the book… if they know anything about Parts Unknown law…

Slush: All must have been in their master plan, which of course will end in them all lavishing me in love. And you know me, I love it when plans come together. Speaking of...

[We cut to an abandoned strip mall. All the stores have been vacated long ago, the parking lot is empty. A green jeep pulls in and two familiar faces, Pablo O'Connor and Stephanie Delacroix, hop out and stare at what is in front of them.]

POC: ...

SD: ...

[A few moments pass before...]

POC: [MEEP] THAT [MEEP] [MEEP] [MEE] AND HIS [MEEP] [MEEP] DIRECTIONS!!

SD: I will personally buy that [MEEP][MEEP] a [MEEP]ING GPS!!

POC: .... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[As O'Connor screams in rage we cut away to the arena.]

Pinhead: You’re only making it worse on yourself.

Slush: They need to learn not to tease me with promises of things so dirty, they’re not allowed on urbandictionary.com.

LM: That is appalling.

Slush: It is my dream to have a sexual act named after me and highlighted on that wonderful site.

LM: That is the worst possible dream.

Slush: Listen bitch, I don’t question your dream of not being a bitch.

LM: That is not my dream!

Slush: If you deny a dream then how do you expect it to reach it?

[We fade in at a classified location. Whether it's the same classified location as the RUTABEGA show is itself classified, though that's not really important at the moment. What is important at the moment is that the room has a large Hand of Doom logo against the back wall, as well as a black conference table of the sort SPECTRE used to sit at in old Bond movies. At this table are seated Justin Davidson and Wolf Jager. Both men are wearing business suits, with neither man wearing a tie. Wolf has no tie at all and Justin has decided to wear a Union Jack themed ascot for reasons that probably only make sense to him.]

Wolf: You know I almost admire the way you Chromosomes have handled yourselves thus far. You've hooked up with RUTABEGA and since they enforce the rules and they're indebted to you for protecting them from any sort of violence, they tell you exactly how to use the rules in your favour. Since very few wrestlers have actually read the rulebook, let alone RUTABEGA's version of the rulebook there's no way they can counter you. It's brilliant really but that's all about to change.

[With a smug look on his face, Justin holds up a large book. On the cover is clearly written MBC Rulebook: RUTABEGA Edition.]

Justin: We've read your rules boys. We've studied them thoroughly and committed them to memory. We've learned all your tricks, every loophole written into this book and committed them to memory. You won't be fooling us with any of your shenanigans, we've got you dead to rights.

Wolf: You've had a good run but now it's over. It's time for International Incident to show everybody exactly who the best team in MBC is. The Team Bastard titles are just the first step, from there we go on to unite the all the tag titles in the One Ring.

[Naturally the two of them look very confident, though considering their previous record in Vegas and in Bastard Stampede that's hardly surprising. For that matter, their association with the Hand of Doom is also cause for confidence considering how they've dominated the MBC in the past.]

Wolf: And while we're doing that, our dear friend Tyler will be uniting the singles titles. International Incident shall be the most powerful group in MBC and through us, the Hand of Doom shall dominate all.

Justin: It's good work if you can get it. See you on the first boys.

[Fade to black.]

EC: And that brings us to the main event.

Pinhead: Can’t be good that Jager and Davidson are associating themselves with the Hand of Doom.

LM: Would be just the kind of force that could take RUTABEGA head on.

Pinhead: What was that?

LM: Nothing.

Pinhead: Regardless, there still could be some conflict. If they’re backing Tyler Tucker instead the leader of the Hand, Crimson..

Slush: Sounds like the recipe for disaster... or just a dry margarita.

LM: How would it...

Slush: Shush... I’m craving alcohol. Can you make me a margarita?

LM: NO!

Slush: You are the second most worthless person I’ve ever met!

LM: I TAKE... wait... who’s the first?

Slush: There’s this guy in California... well, if you met him.. you’d know.

LM: How?

Slush: [Hushed tone] You’d know.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
MBC TEAM BASTARD CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE MATCH
THE CHROMOSOMES ( c )
versus
INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

[It didn't help that Wolf Jager and Justin Davidson were already polarizing personalities. And it certainly didn't help that they played that fact up, taunting the crowd with sneers and statements that can't be repeated. They knew they were in enemy territory and the venom generated only emboldened their confidence. The newly christened banner wavers for the Hand of Doom were well prepared for what was to come.]

EC: Easy to say these two thrive on the reaction.

Slush: Erections are easy if you try.

LM: Reaction, not erection.

Slush: An erection is a reaction.

LM: Please stop talking.

Pinhead: Telling him to stop only encourages him.

LM: Then why do you still do it?

Pinhead: My hope is that by doing so, God will strike me down with lightning and by proxy him.

[Finally the crowd cheered for someone other than a referee, not for International Incident but for the unquestioned kings of the territory: X and Y, the Chromosomes. They showed no emotion, even in body language. Obviously wearing masks would hide such feelings, but no gesture or matter of posture gave away their mindset. Their championship belts hung proudly over their shoulders and the exchange with the referee was brief. Just as soon as those belts went from their shoulder to the official's hands, both X and Y attacked Jager and Davidson straight on.]

EC: International Incident look prepared for this scenario.

Pinhead: Or just ready for a fight. And if they know all the tricks X and Y will use...

LM: How dare you accuse RUTABEGA's greatest tag team of such lowly behavior.

Slush: You must not know us all that well. We accuse people of crazy [MEEP] all the time.

Pinhead: Though mine is a little more based in reality.

LM: So you say. I've grown not to trust you... foreigner types.

Pinhead: Great. Xenophobia. Haven't seen THAT repeatedly over the past few shows.

Slush: Bet that goes over real well with the Spanish guy who reviews our shows.

[Despite the opening brawl, the referee managed to gain order in a short time. X and Y made sure to follow every rule while Jager and Davidson kept a close eye on what their opponents did. Outside, Fluffy the Obliterator loomed large with a fully charged cattle prod at his side.]

EC: Chromosome X and Wolf Jager starting as the legal combatants. Right in to a tie up.

Pinhead: X presses the early advantage, backing Wolf to the corner.

EC: Hammer blows forth coming but Jager ducks out through the ropes.

Pinhead: Wolf calling for the referee to intervene early.

LM: That's a momentum killer.

Slush: Funny, that's what my parents called me as a child...

[For a second... dare we feel sympathy...]

Slush: BELCH~!!!

[Guess not.]

Slush: Whew, got some scorched earth coming up!

[As the commentary table emptied out to escape the death cloud born of Slush's gut, Jager went about nickel and dining X in terms of utilizing the referee against him. Any chance to force the ref to stop the action, Wolf took it. Despite, several minutes of this, no sign of anger or agitation came from the masked X. After much of this game drove the crowd into fits, X tagged out to Y. Davidson came in for his side, charging his opponent immediately. Davidson's attacks came in quick succession. Further, Justin would constantly take the action to the other side if the ring with as much speed and gusto as possible, forcing the ref to play catch up.]

LM: Are they playing keep away with the referee?

EC: I realize that Danny Saget is getting on in years and his reflexes aren't what they once were...

Pinhead: The faster they take this, the more they can get away with.

Slush: Sounds like my days in the Boy Scouts.

Pinhead: You were never in the Scouts.

Slush: See, that's what they said. [MEEP]king rules! Why do they have to be such...

LM: Boy Scouts?

Slush: Shut up.

[Despite his opponent’s plan, X was not to be outdone. Though, Davidson was faster than the ref, X was even faster. After a surprise standing neck breaker followed by a standing senton, X rushed to his corner, tagging out to Y. If one could equate Chromosomal emotion to simple body language, Y was pissed. Y was eager. Y wanted to break something. Why?]

Slush: Why?

LM: Why what?

Slush: Why Y?

LM: Why Y what?

Slush: Are you angling for me to call you "sir"? Because you don't have the penis for that.

LM: How many times are you going to say that word tonight?

Slush: I don’t know. How many times are you not going to tempt me with your butt cleavage. Oh don't act all huffy. I see that tramp stamp you...

[SLAP~!]

Slush: You must be Canadian.

[With Y so full of fire, the match resorted back to a brawl. Saget the referee kept a close eye on closed fists and to his credit, warnings went to both men. Y eventually pressed an advantage with a scoop slam followed by a diving fist. The reigning champion covered only to have the pin broken up by Jager. Davidson would the gain control, eventually earning his own pin attempt. This however was broken up by X.]

Pinhead: Despite what most people are expecting, this referee is calling the match right down the middle.

EC: I don't like what you're implying. Our referees are fair.

Pinhead: I'm implying nothing. I'm simply bringing up word on the street.

LM: And what word is that?

Slush: It’s kind of like roadkill. Good for deep frying if you get it fresh enough.

LM: ...

Pinhead: ...

EC: ...

Slush: [MEEP] you! I was damn poor growing up! If you wanted to eat, you cooked flat squirrel pot roast!

[The brawl between Y and Davidson escalated quite quickly and even as X and Jager took their own chances at swinging the odds into their respective team's favors, the referee kept things in check to the letter of the law. The brawl then went to the outside however. Saget broke off, giving authority to the outside enforcer, so nicknamed as Fluffy by Lisa McKeon.]

Pinhead: You allow that? For the outside ref to take the lead?

EC: It doesn't happen every time but it keeps the non legal participants in check.

LM: Fluffy knows what he's doing.

Slush: You're a fan of his I guess?

LM: I sure am.

Slush: Does that make you a "fluffer"?

[As Fluffy the Obliterator observed, it quickly became clear that he relaxed the count. Even as Davidson and Y spilled into the crowd, Fluffy allowed the action to go on. With Saget doing nothing but watching from afar, X dropped off the apron and went into the crowd to join. Not to be undone, Jager followed. Soon all four wrestlers found themselves brawling in to the crowd, with nary a count to be had.]

Pinhead: Do countouts not exist in RUTABEGA?

EC: They exist, but perhaps, just perhaps that are nothing but an illusion.

LM: Fluffer! Fluffer?!

Slush: You're just now getting that?

Pinhead: All four wrestlers together now! Jager gets tossed into a pile of chairs and fans!

[With his partner down, Davidson found himself double teamed. Taking repeated shots to numerous parts of the body, Justin found himself overwhelmed and undermanned, especially within in the confines of the rabid crowd. As the count slowly built, X and Y escorted Davidson back to the ring, first dumping him over the guardrail and then rolling him into the ring. Strangely Davidson looked far more fatigued than he had before entering the ring.]

Pinhead: I think Davidson took some cheap shots from that crowd!

LM: I don't know what you're talking about.

Pinhead: You didn't see all those fan punching away while X and Y brought him to the ring?

EC: We don't believe in instant replay.

Slush: Or urinal cakes. You sicken me!

Pinhead: You just had the challenger to the tag team titles dragged through a sea of humanity, every one of them punching away! How can a league run by referees turn a blind eye?

EC: Fluffy was watching. But it’s hard to see every detail with the crowd so cramped like that.

[As X and Y continued to strike at Davidson, Wolf Jager got to his feet but fighting through the crowd proved difficult. The fans didn't seem to want to let him get back to the ring. Meanwhile, Y scooped Davidson up onto his shoulder, preparing for a powerslam.]

Pinhead: Davidson looking... no! He drops behind Y and hits a belly to back suplex! X charges with a clothesline but Justin ducks under! Dropkick!

EC: See? You're over thinking things!

Pinhead: He's still holding his side like he got shived!

Slush: How do you know he didn't get shived? With like... a soul knife?

LM: You watch too much anime.

Slush: There is no such thing as too much anime! Unless you're watching it with other dudes and then... it's kind of uncomfortable. Especially, if you're sitting next to the dude giving a shout out every time there's a "panty shot."

[The rest are silent. How can one even respond?]

Slush: [MEEP] damn you Shortround. [MEEP] damn you.

[Solemn as slush suddenly was, the rest turned their attention to Justin Davidson who was fighting off both X and Y. Despite giving lenience, Danny Saget attempted to get X back to his own corner. But Davidson continued to strike out at the non legal Chromosome in self defense, making Saget's job increasingly hard. A kick to the back of Davidson's knee staggered his movement enough for Y to come up from behind for a full nelson slam. Y pulled Davidson back to his feet and whipped him to the corner. Davidson collided hard, stumbling back on the rebound from impact. X exited the ring just long enough for Y to make the legal tag. But before he left, he scooped up Davidson on his shoulder as X crossed the ring to the opposite corner. Y took off for a running power slam. Within a split second of Davidson crashing to the mat, X came off the top for a shooting star press.]

Pinhead: Jager is finally free from the crowd! He's making a run for the save!

EC: X has Davidson covered! One...





Two...



Pinhead: Jager hits the ring!

LM: Y cuts him off!

EC: Three!

WINNERS BY PINFALL AND STILL CHAMPIONS:
The Chromosomes
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

Pinhead: Jager isn’t happy at all with what happened with the crowd! He’s taking it up with the referee!

EC: Fluffy coming in to restore order!

Pinhead: Wolf is too smart for that jive! He’s not about to get shocked here.

Slush: Jive? Really? Jive? Did you just use that word?

Pinhead: Jager has his partner and they’re getting out of the ring before things get too much worse. But I guarantee you neither International Incident nor the Hand of Doom for that matter will forget this.

EC: You’re hung up on this being the referee’s fault.

Pinhead: You know what? It’s not. This is clearly a case of crowd interference.

EC: Regardless of what this is, The Chromosomes are still the Team Bastard Champions. And they’re going to the Unnamed Bastard Supershow to face the Sons of Skullhead and the team of Jefferson McKeid and the Shifter in the Tag Title unification match.

LM: Still don’t know who RUTABEGA’s representative in the Bastardship of the Ring will be.

EC; I think we’re about to find out.

[X and Y remain in the center of the ring, where they nod toward the ring announcer. He then presents to them a pair of microphones... obviously those specially designed mics that distort their voices. And now X and Y address the crowd.]

X: And so, here we are, the final piece of the Bastardship to be put into place. And those of us in power have seen to it that chaos will be delivered in only ways that we could.

Y: They demanded we come on board with the rest of the territories. They demanded we send a representative for unification. They told us if these demands were not met, then bad things were destined to happen.

X: Whatever bad things they may think would happen, they know nothing about kind of bad things we can bring to this unification attempt.

Y: As somebody famous once said, be careful what you ask for, because you might get it.

X: And more chaos will be revealed in due time, but now, we make our next move. So let us get to that move.. our representative in the Bastardship of the Ring.

Y: He is a man that needs no introduction, but he will make one for himself anyway. Because, let's be honest... this man would not have it any other way, and neither would we.

[After the Chromosomes end their speech, the lights go dark...







...and Chevelle’s “Antisaint” begins to play.]

Pinhead: Oh [MEEP]! Time to go Slush!

[Alas, Slush’s seat is already empty.]

EC: Where are you going?

[Before Emmanuel can finish the sentence, Pinhead’s seat is remarkably vacant as well. A spotlight shines upon one of the higher levels and there, standing dressed as a nightmarish Napoleon is the man no one wanted to see...

The Reverend John Vengeance.

A microphone in hand, the crowd screams in both displeasure and agony as he is about to speak.]

Vengeance: IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK. Thank you for the warm, enthusiastic welcome. I know it's been awhile since I've been on the stage, but I want to thank everyone who's kept up with my Livejournal and MySpace account. Now I know what you're thinking, "that internet thing. how much longer is it's 15 minutes going to last?"

[As it usually happens when Vengeance addresses the public, the crowd is pretty confused.]

Vengeance: That got me thinking. Since the internet's been around, there's plenty of things that have come and gone. Who remembers The Rolling Stones? McDonalds? Antibiotics? These things came, did their thing and then knew when to fade away.

[Breakdown of the crowd reaction: 50% boos, 20% confusion, 20% people checking e-mail, 10% of people checking to see if Livejournal still exists.]

Vengeance: Let’s get down to brass tax. Still don't understand why brass is taxed, but we'll talk about that later. I want to talk about someone whose time came a long time ago. He showed up before the internet and should have faded away sometime around the advent the affordable laptop and the popup. I'm talking about-

[Vengeance motions to where a jumbotron would be]

Vengeance: -wha? We don't have a jumbotron? Seriously? Dammit. Good thing I'm always prepared for this situation.

[Vengeance pulls out a phone and makes a call]

Vengeance [to person on the other end of the phone]: Yes, we're going with the banner. I know! I'm excited! We've printed these for like, every show, but this is the first time we've ever used one!

[A banner is unfurled from the rafters. When fully unrolled it's an obviously photo shopped picture of Crimson holding a picket sign that says "I support arming students, banning carbonated sodas and doing bad government stuff.”]

Vengeance: CRIMSON. Your time has come. It is time for you to roll up your career and announce your retirement. If you will not do this, I will file a formal complaint with the competition committee. If this formal complaint falls on deaf ears, I will be in Dallas waiting for you to deliver a retirement beating. I will beat you so bad Chris Brown will take notes. I will beat you so badly people will think there were 50 of me and one of you. Years from now, people are going to say "Golly, that was one hell of a double fisted beat off!"

[Crowd simultaneously groans in unison, again.]

Vengeance: Maybe not the last part. CRIMSON. YOU. ME. DALLAS.

FOR THE HONOR OF THE BOWFLEX.

BE THERE.

[And for the last time before the Supershow, we fade to black.]
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.

You are to refer to Katie as "The Duchess of Der Basterdmusen" as of June 2014. She'll get angry if you don't. You've been warned.
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