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SELFISH WRITING!
Topic Started: Jun 14 2013, 06:00 AM (281 Views)
sychosys
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This Space For Rent
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Since Terry liked my Luke Steele vs Requiem match, I know he'll love my crowning achievement as an IIWF Match Writer, the IIWF World Tag Team Championship (of the World) match between The Lost Boyz and Licensed for Devastation.

With a deadline of only two hours to write it (Dan had to get his shows out on time), and desperate for any kind of hook to make this stinker of a matchup readable (neither participant's handler bothered to flash or strat for the match), I happened upon the idea of having Soundbite completely ignore the match and make up and call one of his own while the actual match was happening.

Spreadbury praised me for "coming up with a new and creative use for the Soundbite", and I praised myself for meeting the ridiculous deadline. I hope you all enjoy this match as much as Dan and Terry do.

Code:
 
________      ______
| || |\ \ /\ / /| __|..................................................
| || | \ v  v / | __|           IIWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
|_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|              Lost Boyz vs. Licensed for Devastation
.......................................................................
                                                             WRITER: JP

[As the ring crew depart with several buckets full of fish, Sparkplug is
momentarily mesmerized by a fan's laser pointer, before snapping to
attention.]

SL: Ladies and gentlemen, your next match is scheduled for one-fall,
 and it is for the IIWF World Tag Team Championship!

[Moderate pop from the crowd]

SL: Introducing first, the challengers...

["Down" by 311 begins to play]

SL: At a total combined weight of 530 pounds, Licenced for Devastation!

[Reggie Starr and Jonathan Chaos come to the ring wearing long brown
trenchcoats, wearing sunglasses, walking confidently to the ring. Once
inside, they remove their trenchcoats to reveal the new Licensed for
Devastation t-shirts: plain black on front, "LfD: IIWF Tag Team
Champions" in red letters. Starr and Chaos act like they own the ring,
while trying to force the referee to wear one of thei t-shirts.]

TD: Well, LfD is looking very confident tonight, Steve Roberts.

SR: I bet you'll be able to get one of those t-shirts real cheap in
 about a half hour!

SL: And their...

[Sparkplug's introduction is interupted by the appearance of the Down...
er, Damage Inc. coming down the aisle. They are continuing their Damage
Inc. impersonation, flexing and posing for the crowd, Dan Oliver
especially going at it as if his life depends on it. They also carry
cardboard cutouts of the IIWF tag title belts, with "Temp. IIWF Tag
Champ. Belt" written on them with magic marker.]

TD: It looks like we've already got a team trying to make a statement
 during this match.

SR: Yeah, it's the Damaged Boys!

[Peterson and Oliver enter the ring, appearing ready to face off with
LfD. Chaos looks ready to go, but Starr holds him back, trying to keep
his team focused. Dan Oliver goes over to Sparkplug Lee, forcibly
taking the mic to address the challengers:]

DO: YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO FEEL THE TOP ROPE POWERBOMB?! HUH?!
 SOME MOTHER[BLEEP]ER IS GONNA DIE!

[Oliver throws down the mic, while Peterson throws down the "belts",
ready to get it on. However, referee Chuck Sanders comes over to tell
them that they are not the "champs" who are supposed to be involved in
this match. Upon hearing this, Oliver and Peterson leave the ring and
enter the stands, and sit in two roped-off seats and put up a sign
that reads "Autographs of Damage Inc., RSPWF Tag Team of the Year -
1996, #13 in RSPWF Tag Team 200, IIWF World Tag Team Champions, $20"]

SL: Ahem... and their opponents... at a total combined weight of 628
 pounds, the IIWF World Tag Team Champions... The Lost Boyz!

["Ambitions of a Rider" by 2Pac blares out, as Porteaux and Ramos stalk
to ringside with Jeandra, both men grasping their belts by the straps
in their right hands, barely noticing their imitators as they drop the
belts on the ground and slide under the bottom rope into the ring.]

TD: And the world tag team champions are ready for action tonight!

SR: If Jeandra was ready for action, I might be interested. As it is,
 it might be too much to ask for me to stay awake. Hey Dross, which
 one was the gay guy again?

[Sanders gets both teams back to their corners, as it appears that
Porteaux will start off against Chaos]

TD: And we're ready to go!

SR: You know what, Dross? You know all those times when the color
 commentator says something, and the play-the-play guy says, "What
 match are you watching?" You know what Dross? I'm gonna have some
 fun. I'm gonna call a different match tonight!

[Chaos moves quickly into a lockup with Porteaux. Despite Porteaux's
strength, Chaos comes out ahead with a big shove that sends the title
co-holder to the mat.]

SR: An Asai Moonsault out of NOWHERE by Chaos! Wow Dross, that was
 almost as good as I do it!

TD: Steve Roberts, please don't confuse matters for our listeners.

[The Lil Soundbiters all crowd towards the broadcast table, trying to
listen to Roberts' play-by-play. Meanwhile, Porteaux has rebounded
with an armringer on Chaos, who reverses and sends Porteaux to the
ropes, taking him down with a big shoulder block. LfD looks more
focused than usual tonight, as Chaos picks up Porteaux by the hair and
throws him outside the ring by LfD's corner. Chaos makes the tag to
Starr, who mounts the turnbuckles, and turns to face his opponent.]

TD: Missle dropkick to floor, and Porteaux goes down hard!

SR: Ramos is over there with a fork or something, going to work on
 Chaos's head! Blood is flowing like red rain, Dross! I'm getting
 a little verklempt now, talk amongst yourselves!

TD: Steve Roberts, please...

[Ramos DOES try to make his way over to his partner, but Sanders jumps
out of the ring to keep him away, allowing Chaos and Starr to work
Porteaux over with a series of punches and kicks. Meanwhile, from the
aisleway, Bear and Grey Phoenix of the Natural Predators make their
way to ringside, as Porteaux begins to come to life, battling off both
members of Licensed for Devastation.]

TD: And now the Natural Predators try to...

SR: IT'S "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW AND J.W. HARDIN! These two maniacs are
 going nuts, Dross! Look at that Cattlebuster Asspump! Shocked pop
 from the crowd!

[As if on cue, the L'il Soundbiters listening give a "shocked pop", as
Porteaux and Starr make their way back into the ring. Starr drops
Porteaux with a spinning back kick out of nowhere, pointing back to
his shirt and yelling out "Read it and weep, baby! And get your
wallets ready to buy your own!" Starr reaches back to tag Chaos back
into the ring.]

TD: Licensed for Devastation is putting on quite a performance tonight,
 they just might be ready to take the gold!

SR: Chaos with some kind of funky armlock here, Dross. He's starting
 to pull...

[Chaos picks up Porteaux, sending him to the ropes and landing a
thunderous spinebuster! Chaos stands and speads his arms out, saying
"It's time to end this!", and getting a decent pop from the crowd.
Chaos tags in Starr, then goes back for Porteaux...]

TD: They're going for the Breach of Contract! Starr is going up,
 and they're trying to put the Lost Boyz away early!

SR: AND CHAOS RIPPED OFF PORTEAUX'S ARM! PORTEAUX HAS A BLOODY STUMP,
 WHILE CHAOS BEATS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS OWN ARM! Now THIS
 is hardcore, Dross!

[Knowing reason is hopeless, Dross ignores his partner completely, while
the L'il Soundbiters, lost in Roberts' fantasy match, are frothing at
the mouth. Meanwhile, Starr is on the top rope while Chaos sets up for
the powerbomb, when Eddy Ramos reaches the breaking point, jumping into
the ring, past the referee, and over to attack Chaos.  Ramos lands
several stiff blows to Chaos, but fails to notice the incoming Reggie
Starr, who nails Ramos from behind with a low blow concealed from the
referee's view. Chaos then throws Ramos out of the ring, near the
watching Natural Predators, and returns to the still fallen Porteaux.]

TD: Well, they stopped that threat, and Starr's going up... they're
   gonna try the Breach of Contract again! Chaos got him up... they
   hit it! Starr's going for the cover, we could have new tag champs
   right here!

["Damage Inc." are seen laughing their heads off in the stands, as
Reggie Starr makes the cover... but there is no count. Outside the
ring, Ramos has taken issue with the Natural Predators, and he and
Jeandra have a heated confrontation, which has grabbed the referee's
attention. Jeandra turns her attention to the referee, in a flimsy
attempt to distract him from making the count... which appears to be
working.]

TD: Oh my, Starr's had at least a five count here! Somebody tell the
   referee to turn around!

SR: Wait a minute Dross! Who's that coming down from the rafters!?  
   It's a bird, no, it's a plane, NO! It's...

[After nearly a ten second cover on Porteaux, Starr can take no more,
and in fury, heads over to the referee. While complaining, Porteaux,
who may have been playing a little possum, gets up and attacks Starr
from behind. Chaos tries to interfere, but is met with a superkick from
Porteaux for his trouble. Ramos has made his way back to his corner,
and Porteaux lunges out for the hot tag...]

TD: And finally Eddy Ramos is legally in the ring, and he is a house of
   fire!

[Eddy Ramos is going wild, taking both members of Licensed for
Devastation down with a series of hambone right hands. Big pop from
the crowd, as Ramos picks up the larger Chaos, _gorilla presses_ him
over his head, and tossing him onto Starr, sending both men down!  Chaos
jumps onto both men with a legdrop, as Porteaux shouts from the outside
for Chaos to finish things. With that, Ramos digs Starr out from the
pile, and sets him up on the top rope.]

TD: Just like that Ramos has changed the complexion of this match, and
   he's looking to put Starr out with the Dog Collar top rope
   powerbomb!

SR: And some crow-like guy from the rafters is beating everyone in sight
   with Porteaux's arm! OH MY GAWD!

[Almost effortlessly, Ramos raises Starr up and drives him into the
canvas with a top rope powerbomb. Chaos has come to and tries to make
the save, but Porteaux intercepts him, and send him down with The
Flush!]

SR: And a Bullet Train to Hell by Porteaux! How the hell did he do that
   with one arm, Dross?!

TD: Ramos with the cover... One... Two... Three!  And the Lost Boyz
   retain their titles!

SR: Wow, a successful title defense! That makes for a dynasty in the
   tag ranks!

[2Pac's music kicks up, as Chuck Sanders hand the champs their belts
back, while the Natural Predators just stand there, taking it all in.
From the stands, Peterson and Oliver hold their cardboard belts up and
taunt the champs, as Oliver pours a can of Mooselips over his mouth,
smashing the can against his head as he pours. Porteaux and Ramos make
their way to the floor to confront them, but security forces keep them
separated.

Meanwhile, the vanquished challengers have come to, and stand in the
ring looking over Natural Predators, screaming at them for costing them
the titles. They appear ready to come to blows, but the Jobber Justice
Squad and additional security quickly move to defuse the situation.
After many tense moments, the teams are finally escorted back to the
locker room.]

SR: Wow, that was a great match, Dross.

(and look, I put over the product! :banana: )
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Overly_Critical_Jue
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Amigo, I ain't anybody but Juan Vasquez!
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It's almost like the entire IIWF's existence was an exercise in selfish writing, sometimes.
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sychosys
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This Space For Rent
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"Sometimes"? When was it not?
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Overly_Critical_Jue
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Amigo, I ain't anybody but Juan Vasquez!
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I remember a Lord Byron rp where he put over his opponent, once.
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Walls
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The Luther Burger
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I wasn't around back then, but reading history and what not, it seems IIWF was this circle's peak of competitive e-w. There was some in feds past that but it seemed to dwindle more and more and turn towards good angles and storytelling attempts. I am sure that has a ton to do with everyone aging and mostly maturing. But ...
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