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Since Terry liked my Luke Steele vs Requiem match, I know he'll love my crowning achievement as an IIWF Match Writer, the IIWF World Tag Team Championship (of the World) match between The Lost Boyz and Licensed for Devastation.
With a deadline of only two hours to write it (Dan had to get his shows out on time), and desperate for any kind of hook to make this stinker of a matchup readable (neither participant's handler bothered to flash or strat for the match), I happened upon the idea of having Soundbite completely ignore the match and make up and call one of his own while the actual match was happening.
Spreadbury praised me for "coming up with a new and creative use for the Soundbite", and I praised myself for meeting the ridiculous deadline. I hope you all enjoy this match as much as Dan and Terry do.
- Code:
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________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| IIWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Lost Boyz vs. Licensed for Devastation ....................................................................... WRITER: JP
[As the ring crew depart with several buckets full of fish, Sparkplug is momentarily mesmerized by a fan's laser pointer, before snapping to attention.]
SL: Ladies and gentlemen, your next match is scheduled for one-fall, and it is for the IIWF World Tag Team Championship!
[Moderate pop from the crowd]
SL: Introducing first, the challengers...
["Down" by 311 begins to play]
SL: At a total combined weight of 530 pounds, Licenced for Devastation!
[Reggie Starr and Jonathan Chaos come to the ring wearing long brown trenchcoats, wearing sunglasses, walking confidently to the ring. Once inside, they remove their trenchcoats to reveal the new Licensed for Devastation t-shirts: plain black on front, "LfD: IIWF Tag Team Champions" in red letters. Starr and Chaos act like they own the ring, while trying to force the referee to wear one of thei t-shirts.]
TD: Well, LfD is looking very confident tonight, Steve Roberts.
SR: I bet you'll be able to get one of those t-shirts real cheap in about a half hour!
SL: And their...
[Sparkplug's introduction is interupted by the appearance of the Down... er, Damage Inc. coming down the aisle. They are continuing their Damage Inc. impersonation, flexing and posing for the crowd, Dan Oliver especially going at it as if his life depends on it. They also carry cardboard cutouts of the IIWF tag title belts, with "Temp. IIWF Tag Champ. Belt" written on them with magic marker.]
TD: It looks like we've already got a team trying to make a statement during this match.
SR: Yeah, it's the Damaged Boys!
[Peterson and Oliver enter the ring, appearing ready to face off with LfD. Chaos looks ready to go, but Starr holds him back, trying to keep his team focused. Dan Oliver goes over to Sparkplug Lee, forcibly taking the mic to address the challengers:]
DO: YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO FEEL THE TOP ROPE POWERBOMB?! HUH?! SOME MOTHER[BLEEP]ER IS GONNA DIE!
[Oliver throws down the mic, while Peterson throws down the "belts", ready to get it on. However, referee Chuck Sanders comes over to tell them that they are not the "champs" who are supposed to be involved in this match. Upon hearing this, Oliver and Peterson leave the ring and enter the stands, and sit in two roped-off seats and put up a sign that reads "Autographs of Damage Inc., RSPWF Tag Team of the Year - 1996, #13 in RSPWF Tag Team 200, IIWF World Tag Team Champions, $20"]
SL: Ahem... and their opponents... at a total combined weight of 628 pounds, the IIWF World Tag Team Champions... The Lost Boyz!
["Ambitions of a Rider" by 2Pac blares out, as Porteaux and Ramos stalk to ringside with Jeandra, both men grasping their belts by the straps in their right hands, barely noticing their imitators as they drop the belts on the ground and slide under the bottom rope into the ring.]
TD: And the world tag team champions are ready for action tonight!
SR: If Jeandra was ready for action, I might be interested. As it is, it might be too much to ask for me to stay awake. Hey Dross, which one was the gay guy again?
[Sanders gets both teams back to their corners, as it appears that Porteaux will start off against Chaos]
TD: And we're ready to go!
SR: You know what, Dross? You know all those times when the color commentator says something, and the play-the-play guy says, "What match are you watching?" You know what Dross? I'm gonna have some fun. I'm gonna call a different match tonight!
[Chaos moves quickly into a lockup with Porteaux. Despite Porteaux's strength, Chaos comes out ahead with a big shove that sends the title co-holder to the mat.]
SR: An Asai Moonsault out of NOWHERE by Chaos! Wow Dross, that was almost as good as I do it!
TD: Steve Roberts, please don't confuse matters for our listeners.
[The Lil Soundbiters all crowd towards the broadcast table, trying to listen to Roberts' play-by-play. Meanwhile, Porteaux has rebounded with an armringer on Chaos, who reverses and sends Porteaux to the ropes, taking him down with a big shoulder block. LfD looks more focused than usual tonight, as Chaos picks up Porteaux by the hair and throws him outside the ring by LfD's corner. Chaos makes the tag to Starr, who mounts the turnbuckles, and turns to face his opponent.]
TD: Missle dropkick to floor, and Porteaux goes down hard!
SR: Ramos is over there with a fork or something, going to work on Chaos's head! Blood is flowing like red rain, Dross! I'm getting a little verklempt now, talk amongst yourselves!
TD: Steve Roberts, please...
[Ramos DOES try to make his way over to his partner, but Sanders jumps out of the ring to keep him away, allowing Chaos and Starr to work Porteaux over with a series of punches and kicks. Meanwhile, from the aisleway, Bear and Grey Phoenix of the Natural Predators make their way to ringside, as Porteaux begins to come to life, battling off both members of Licensed for Devastation.]
TD: And now the Natural Predators try to...
SR: IT'S "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW AND J.W. HARDIN! These two maniacs are going nuts, Dross! Look at that Cattlebuster Asspump! Shocked pop from the crowd!
[As if on cue, the L'il Soundbiters listening give a "shocked pop", as Porteaux and Starr make their way back into the ring. Starr drops Porteaux with a spinning back kick out of nowhere, pointing back to his shirt and yelling out "Read it and weep, baby! And get your wallets ready to buy your own!" Starr reaches back to tag Chaos back into the ring.]
TD: Licensed for Devastation is putting on quite a performance tonight, they just might be ready to take the gold!
SR: Chaos with some kind of funky armlock here, Dross. He's starting to pull...
[Chaos picks up Porteaux, sending him to the ropes and landing a thunderous spinebuster! Chaos stands and speads his arms out, saying "It's time to end this!", and getting a decent pop from the crowd. Chaos tags in Starr, then goes back for Porteaux...]
TD: They're going for the Breach of Contract! Starr is going up, and they're trying to put the Lost Boyz away early!
SR: AND CHAOS RIPPED OFF PORTEAUX'S ARM! PORTEAUX HAS A BLOODY STUMP, WHILE CHAOS BEATS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS OWN ARM! Now THIS is hardcore, Dross!
[Knowing reason is hopeless, Dross ignores his partner completely, while the L'il Soundbiters, lost in Roberts' fantasy match, are frothing at the mouth. Meanwhile, Starr is on the top rope while Chaos sets up for the powerbomb, when Eddy Ramos reaches the breaking point, jumping into the ring, past the referee, and over to attack Chaos. Ramos lands several stiff blows to Chaos, but fails to notice the incoming Reggie Starr, who nails Ramos from behind with a low blow concealed from the referee's view. Chaos then throws Ramos out of the ring, near the watching Natural Predators, and returns to the still fallen Porteaux.]
TD: Well, they stopped that threat, and Starr's going up... they're gonna try the Breach of Contract again! Chaos got him up... they hit it! Starr's going for the cover, we could have new tag champs right here!
["Damage Inc." are seen laughing their heads off in the stands, as Reggie Starr makes the cover... but there is no count. Outside the ring, Ramos has taken issue with the Natural Predators, and he and Jeandra have a heated confrontation, which has grabbed the referee's attention. Jeandra turns her attention to the referee, in a flimsy attempt to distract him from making the count... which appears to be working.]
TD: Oh my, Starr's had at least a five count here! Somebody tell the referee to turn around!
SR: Wait a minute Dross! Who's that coming down from the rafters!? It's a bird, no, it's a plane, NO! It's...
[After nearly a ten second cover on Porteaux, Starr can take no more, and in fury, heads over to the referee. While complaining, Porteaux, who may have been playing a little possum, gets up and attacks Starr from behind. Chaos tries to interfere, but is met with a superkick from Porteaux for his trouble. Ramos has made his way back to his corner, and Porteaux lunges out for the hot tag...]
TD: And finally Eddy Ramos is legally in the ring, and he is a house of fire!
[Eddy Ramos is going wild, taking both members of Licensed for Devastation down with a series of hambone right hands. Big pop from the crowd, as Ramos picks up the larger Chaos, _gorilla presses_ him over his head, and tossing him onto Starr, sending both men down! Chaos jumps onto both men with a legdrop, as Porteaux shouts from the outside for Chaos to finish things. With that, Ramos digs Starr out from the pile, and sets him up on the top rope.]
TD: Just like that Ramos has changed the complexion of this match, and he's looking to put Starr out with the Dog Collar top rope powerbomb!
SR: And some crow-like guy from the rafters is beating everyone in sight with Porteaux's arm! OH MY GAWD!
[Almost effortlessly, Ramos raises Starr up and drives him into the canvas with a top rope powerbomb. Chaos has come to and tries to make the save, but Porteaux intercepts him, and send him down with The Flush!]
SR: And a Bullet Train to Hell by Porteaux! How the hell did he do that with one arm, Dross?!
TD: Ramos with the cover... One... Two... Three! And the Lost Boyz retain their titles!
SR: Wow, a successful title defense! That makes for a dynasty in the tag ranks!
[2Pac's music kicks up, as Chuck Sanders hand the champs their belts back, while the Natural Predators just stand there, taking it all in. From the stands, Peterson and Oliver hold their cardboard belts up and taunt the champs, as Oliver pours a can of Mooselips over his mouth, smashing the can against his head as he pours. Porteaux and Ramos make their way to the floor to confront them, but security forces keep them separated.
Meanwhile, the vanquished challengers have come to, and stand in the ring looking over Natural Predators, screaming at them for costing them the titles. They appear ready to come to blows, but the Jobber Justice Squad and additional security quickly move to defuse the situation. After many tense moments, the teams are finally escorted back to the locker room.]
SR: Wow, that was a great match, Dross.
(and look, I put over the product! )
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