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| The Presidential Rumble | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 28 2016, 01:34 AM (132 Views) | |
| The DeWolfe Pack | Jan 28 2016, 01:34 AM Post #1 |
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The Luther Burger
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I'm not sure exactly how much this joke works, but given the timing in between the Royal Rumble and right before the first votes are counted in Iowa, I got stuck with the idea of booking a "Presidential Rumble" and just had to work through it in my head for fun. Some combination of wanting to do some e-wrestling work and being wrapped up in political nerditry did it, I think. If I were still running Fighting Spirit, it's the kind of thing I'd try to find a way to work in there, but instead I spent a couple of days figuring out some back of the paper booking and I'm going to post what I came up with here. The premise - all the major candidates for nomination in both parties have drawn numbers Royal Rumble style to determine the new POTUS! But since that doesn't bring me all the way up to 30, I've also entered some candidates who were running but have already dropped out, some surprises, and - via time machine - have opened up the field to any former President, living or dead, who wants in. And just to make things really fun, I booked it so it matches my actual prediction on who the final two candidates will be and who will win! So, without further adieu, here's my summary of the Presidential Rumble! It's a bit long, so I'm going to break it up into parts and just give you the first ten entrants for now. 1) Drawing unlucky #1 is Donald Trump, who is (of course) doing a Million Dollar Man gimmick, flashing the cash and calling any fans who boo him "losers". As he makes his entrance, there is open speculation from the announcers that maybe the establishment really does have it out for him, and that's why he drew #1. There's also a lot of questions about whether he has the staying power to be in this thing until the end. 2) Next out is Carly Fiorina, wearing a late 80's giant shoulder-padded power suit. She's doing her best impression of Alexandra York, which means once she gets in the ring she boots up her computer to help plot the optimal strategy. However, since said computer is an HP laptop, it's a buggy piece of crap and she can't get it to work, leaving her distracted for an easy elimination by The Donald. TRUMP ELIMINATES FIORINA 3) Marco Rubio is #3, and as soon as he sees him Trump goes ballistic, telling him to "go back to Mexico!". Infuriated, Rubio tries to point out that he was born here and that his parents were Cubans, not Mexicans, but shockingly Trump fails to see the difference when he has a chance to try and score cheap political points against a Latino. The two go after each other hard for the 90 seconds, with no eliminations. 4) At #4 we see an old-timey microphone drop from the ceiling, and then we hear PRES-I-DENT... KEN-NE-DY! KEN-NE-DY! And it's our first appearance from a time traveling former Prez as well as our first Democrat, with JFK rushing the ring to add to the fireworks. 5) Next up is Martin O'Malley, although you might not know it given the fact that not even the ring announcer recalls his name or the fact that he's technically in this match right away. He pumps himself up, charges to the ring... and is quickly tossed by JFK. No need for too many jobbers to fill up the ring just yet. JOHN F. KENNEDY ELIMINATES O'MALLEY 6) Scott Walker draws the early slot and does Jack Swagger's "We The People" schtick. Just like Swagger, I assumed he was going to be a huge deal and he seemed to have all the fundamentals, but also just like Jack he ended up inexplicably failing massively. Anyway, he manages to at least survive his first 90 seconds, joining Rubio, Trump, and JFK in the ring. 7) A huge, earth-shattering face pop erupts when "Hail to the Chief" plays and images roll on the tron of America's greatest hero of all time crossing the Delaware, then accepting Cornwallis' surrender at Yorktown, then looking presidential as he poses for a portrait. By God, by God, George Washington is here! Except... ...except he doesn't answer the music. The crowd is confused, until we cut away to another scene, showing the Founding Father stuck in traffic on a bridge, honking the horn of a rental car he somehow knows how to drive. And at that, Chris Christie makes his entrance at #7, having stolen George Washington's spot by redirecting traffic to strand him on a bridge. What a heel move, and the crowd just HATES Christie for it. During all this confusion, Trump has eliminated Scott Walker, which we watch in a recap shortly thereafter. TRUMP ELIMINATES WALKER 8) A peppy fiddle tune plays, and as former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee makes his entrance in denim overalls we are informed that "You Don't Go Messin' With a Country Boy!". No, I'm not taking this guy seriously in 2016, and neither should you... but what the hay, he can be in the Rumble for a couple of minutes to fill out the numbers. 9) Although she didn't run this time, there was talk that she might... so I feel okay slotting Elizabeth Warren in here. She doesn't get long in the match, though, as the presence of a woman in the fray stirs John Kennedy's legendary libido, and having been dead for half a century the man is practically starved for some action. He moves quickly and catches the senior Massachusetts senator in a liplock, which she doesn't seem to care for too much, but she's too surprised to react right away. Both of them start to lose their footing, and accidentally topple out in a double elimination. JFK AND WARREN ARE ELIMINATED 10) As we get to our tenth entrant, we still have Trump (#1), Rubio (#3), Christie (#7), and Huckabee (#8) in the ring. The next person to join them is Bernie Sanders, who's doing a Bob Backlund gimmick. (Older eccentric man from New England pushing a style decades past its prime - mat wrestling for Backlund and socialism for Sanders.) He also adds some Democratic representation to the ring, but for the time being the four Republicans mostly ignore him to battle amongst themselves, with Rubio getting his first elimination as he dumps Huckabee. RUBIO ELIMINATES HUCKABEE So we've got four pretty serious contenders, all at least reasonable upper midcard choices, holding down the fort as we wait entrant number eleven. I'll try to get the rest of this up tomorrow if I have time, but let me know if this is actually any good - I think it's funny, but it could be hitting a pretty small Venn diagram of audience. |
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| sychosys | Mar 26 2016, 09:24 PM Post #2 |
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This Space For Rent
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The suspense is killing me! |
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7:13 PM Jul 10