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| The Reason Is You; Jason/OFC spin off of olyamet's "I'm the One..." | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 22 2011, 08:17 PM (1,572 Views) | |
| Margarita | Aug 22 2011, 08:17 PM Post #1 |
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Sand[wo]man
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OK girls, as Olya kindly announced in her last update on "I'm the One" this is a spin off revolving around Jason after his talk with Angel, intended for all of you (us) who wanted a happy ending for Jason. I hope you enjoy it! I'll try to update weekly. Also, I'm not a native speaker of English, so bear with me there ![]() Important facts: Type: Hetero. Pairing: Jason/OFC Warnings: Sex, strong language. Disclaimer: All events are entirely fictional. Link to original story: http://s11.zetaboards.com/Metallichicks/topic/795556/1/ _______________________________________________________________________ Chapter 1 He watched her crossing the street. His heart jumped up to his throat, forcing all air out his lungs and beating frantically. Breathe, just breathe, he repeated the mantra to himself and waited for the door to open. She came in and searched the faces. Somehow, all oxygen seemed to have been sucked out of the room upon her entry. Feeling like a fish on dry land, Jason raised his arm and waived at her. “Thanks for agreeing to meet me.”, Angel approached the table. “Hi, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't.” He rose from his seat. His body weighed a ton. She gave him a quick hug. He breathed in quickly, stealing this last part of her. He felt pathetic and stupid, but his body disobeyed and her scent pervaded his nostrils sending a wave of warmth all over his body. The warm sensation quickly abated to be replaced by cold shivers of fear and loss crawling up his spine and gripping at his heart. He dropped back into his chair, like a lifeless mass. “So, what's good here?” “Nothing... but they make killer coffee. I knew what kind of place to pick for you.” He mustered a smile. He knew he did not fool her with it for a minute. But it was a reflex, self preservation. Small talk followed and offered him a chance to quickly pick up the falling pieces of his soul and stick them in place just for a few minutes longer. The harder he tried, the more he fell apart, throughout the talk of his plans and the new band. Every word and every look became an effort. He felt like a boxer, fighting in his personal ring, in an empty venue. Newsted vs Newsted. Round one. “Jason... I'm sorry for what I did to you. I wasn't thinking at that moment, you were there and I...” He looked up and met her gaze, penetrating and pleading. His stomach was in a knot, his heart thumping in his ears, deafening him, blocking all the sounds around him. The memories of her lips on his, her tongue in his mouth, his arms around her, her body next to his, landed on him like painful blows, making him lose balance in his ring and retreat. His heart bled. He breathed in, the warm air filled with the scent of coffee burning his throat, making it more of an effort to push the lump that suffocated him further down and stretch his lips in a faint smile. His opponent sneered at him. “You fucking liar!” Round two. “It's okay... I understand. I just... I don't want you to blame yourself for me leaving Metallica. It was coming to that before it. I already made my decision. It wasn't you...” “Then why do I feel like you're lying?” Because you know him, his opponent yelled, hitting him. Blood splattered over the floor. “It wasn't what you did that night. That wasn't the reason.” “Was it something that I did before? I don't remember ever having a fight with you, we were always good friends and I...” “Yes, we were always good friends.” A heavy blow knocked him off his feet. Every cell in his body hurt . Newsted, the opponent, jumped around him in a trance, howling down on him “you liar, you fucking liar”. He swallowed. His legs hurt from the strain to stay there in the bistro, sitting, pretending, playing his little one-man play. He wanted to run. Fast. Just run. From her. From the world. From himself. From the lies. From the illusion that made up his life for the past fourteen years. “One, two, three, four…” the other Newsted screamed. Just a few minutes more, he thought, just a few minutes more. He stood up with effort. Outside, he pushed his feet into the floor harder, as if the stone would yield to him allowing him to sink and disappear. Round three. “Then what... I don't get it... Jason, I feel that I'm at least partially to blame for it... I just...” She cupped his hands. Another blow. And another. And another. He fell again. He pulled his hands back and looked up at her. He rose to his feet again, swaying, barely standing. Round four. “It was many things, many things that made me feel... restrained.” “But you've always had such great chemistry with James... everyone can see it at gigs. You were a big part of Metallica. You can't just throw away fourteen years, maybe if you talk to James...” A series of blows. He staggered. He could not defend himself. He did not want to. He wanted it to be over. “That wouldn't fix it.” he said and looked up at her. He was still on his feet. Time to end this, he thought and sneered at his opponent. “Come on, give me all you’ve got.” Round five. “He knows I'm not coming back, he knows all the reasons. We talked before that night. And I told him all of it... almost all of it...” “And I just added to the rupture between you two... Jason, everything is fixable. I know how much your project means to you, and I know James knows it too, you can compromise... just talk to him, when he's out, get together and talk.” His body ached. He wanted to surrender. Not yet. “Come on”, he spat blood. “Even if we do, even if we find the way.. it's not likely. He feels like I'm taking away from Metallica and he would never stand this. No... there is no coming back, I'm done, it's over.” “I can talk to him, we can find a way...” The ring swirled around him. Another blow. And another. And another. He fell on his knees and looked up at his opponent jeering down on him. Not yet. Almost there. He slowly got up to his feet again. “Angel... there is something else... there is one other thing that I told him that night... that put the final cut between us... Even if I wanted to come back, which I don't, he wouldn't want me to.” “James always thought of you as a good friend, a good bassist, at least from the time I knew him. What can possibly make James not want you back?” “The way I feel about you...” Knock-out. The room darkened around him. His body hit the floor with a thud. One, two… “I know you probably hate me for what I did, jumping you like that, using you to hurt him, but I didn't do it to hurt you, I wasn't thinking... Jason, I was in pain and I'm deeply sorry. You have every right to hate me.” Three, four….He tried to get up but his body disobeyed. He was numb and disoriented. “I wish I did...” Five, six… “Jason... what are you...” The room kept spinning. “See, I hid it so well all those years... I never dared to show it, or say it, or do anything about it. You chose him, that evening, remember that party in Barcelona, a week before you called him an asshole? I was looking for you to finally tell you how I feel about you, that I loved you from the first moment I saw you... and when I saw you looking at him... I knew it then, I was too late, your heart was already his.” “Jason.. I never...” Seven, eight… The room spun faster, walls coming down on him. “I told James all that, he knows, now you know too. And I'm sorry... I wish it was different, I wish... I wish for many things to be different. I just want you to know one thing. It's not your fault, it was time for me to get my life straightened out. Fill this void, follow my passion for a different music, to be free to create, to just feel free.” “Jason.. I... I'm so sorry...” “Don’t be. I’m not... Everything happened how it’s supposed to. I just burnt out with all of it. Now I’m free to be me, think of myself. Plus... after that night... when I saw you in that rage... I knew that your choice was the right one. I would never be able to tame you, I would’ve just become a man behind a strong woman. I could’ve never been the one for you, it would’ve never worked. Now, let’s get off this topic. The summary is: I don’t regret anything, everything is right, I’m happy, I wish you and James get back together, and I wish a great future for Metallica. I will pull my life together and make the best out of it.” Nine. Ten. Darkness. The end. An awkward pause followed. Angel looked at him with a mixture of sadness and understanding. He had no strength left in him. This had to end. And it had to end now. “Well, I guess the kids are waiting for you…” he slowly rose from his seat. “Send them my love. I guess it won’t be appropriate to send gifts or Christmas cards. Not after everything…” He ran his hand through his hair, avoiding Angel’s eyes. “You can always, always send them whatever you want, Jason.” she looked at him and took his hand in hers. “And we can still be in touch. If you wish… When James sorts himself out and…” she looked down. “You know we can’t. And we won’t.” He forced a cough and pulled her into a short embrace. “Goodbye Angel. Be happy with your family.” He broke the embrace. “Goodbye Jason. Take care, ok?” she turned around to grab her purse and wipe a tear off her face. “OK” he whispered through a faint smile and waived. He stared at stained glass of the bistro door as it closed behind her. She left and took most of his adult life with her. Fourteen years of… struggle. To earn respect, to earn love, to earn freedom. And there he was, fourteen years later, exhausted and empty. He stood up on his leaden legs and walked through the haze of sounds and faces on the street. He got inside his car and clutched the steering wheel, resting his forehead on his knuckles. Another breath. Another swallow. Tickling, warm, wet sensation on his cheek and salty taste in his mouth. He let out a cry, exhaling and gasping for air simultaneously. With shaky fingers he turned on the ignition and sped away. He opened the windows to get more air. The breeze brought in soothingly cool air drying his face. He drove home in silence. His car stereo broke that morning. How fucking symbolic, he snorted. He entered the house, listening for familiar sound of paws on the wooden floor. “Ted!” he called out. |
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| olyamet | Aug 22 2011, 08:40 PM Post #2 |
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Let's Dance
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OMG!!!! BO, I LOVE YOU FOR POSTING IT!!!! This scene from his point of view, so deep, so heartbreaking... God.. poor baby... you made me cry... ![]() I love the internal boxing ring, that is just PERFECT! I don't have words to explain how much this made it so real, so painful! The knock out after revealing it all, after fourteen years of silence. The end... the walls closing up... LOVE IT!!!! LOVE YOU!!! ![]() Brilliant writing! :horns: I'm allowed to abuse emotions, 'cuz I'm a proud Grandma!!!!
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| Unforgiven | Aug 22 2011, 09:53 PM Post #3 |
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"This is my sober face"
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Awesome ! Sorry I'm not good with describing my feelings, but it was very emotional. Poor Jason.
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| Margarita | Aug 22 2011, 10:01 PM Post #4 |
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Sand[wo]man
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Oh Olya! You proud grandma!!! I love you for pushing me to do this and patiently waiting for me to overcome the nerves (and patiently reading ever new versions )And Kimmi!!!!! I'm glad beyond words that you took the time to read it and comment! Thank you so much!!!!
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| Lenne | Aug 24 2011, 12:49 AM Post #5 |
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Snake... I am the snake!
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Girl, I have tears in my eyes...... The way you describes the Jason' feelings.... You touched me ...Really.... I will wait for more!!
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| Margarita | Aug 24 2011, 06:40 AM Post #6 |
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Sand[wo]man
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Lenne! Thank you so much!!!! Next part is in the making! And feedback from you girls just gets me going!
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| HellAngel81 | Aug 24 2011, 07:44 AM Post #7 |
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Phantom Lord
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You know, we already talked about this....but...I have to tell ya again! I´m so happy that you finally posted it!! ![]() And I have to say it again! I LOVE IT!!! ![]() *cheering* Go Bo!!!!!! |
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| Margarita | Aug 28 2011, 07:32 PM Post #8 |
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Sand[wo]man
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@ Katja - thank you honey!!! I'm so happy you like it!!! Thank you girls, all of you. Here's more! ___________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 2 “Come here boy! Ted!” He entered the living room and met a pair of sad, tired eyes watching him from the rug. The old dog wagged his tail barely, lifting his head with effort, reaching Jason’s palm and licking his fingers. Ted was now only a shadow of a once playful, energetic and restless Irish Setter. “What is it old man?” Jason patted Ted gently, stroking his long, once shiny and color rich coat. His eyes rimmed with tears again. It's time, the voice inside of him whispered. Ted was fourteen years old and ailing fast. Jason did everything the vets ordered, he watched the dog’s diet, gave him his heart condition pills, calcium for the bones, took him for shorter walks more often, mashed his food, left the lights on at night so Ted could see. But time passed mercilessly and finally brought the two of them to this moment. Ted looked at Jason with his warm, brown, pleading eyes. Jason took Ted in his arms and buried his face in the warm coat. “Let’s go old man”. He carried the dog to his car and drove to the vet office. There was no one in the waiting room. “I’ll be right there” a voice shouted from the other room. A woman came out from one of the rooms, wearing light blue scrubs. “Hello” she said and smiled, “how can I help you?” she patted Ted, examining his eyes and looked up at Jason. Her face was a blur. He tried to speak but a lump blocked his vocal cords. He took a deep breath, but it stuck there, refusing to move, suffocating him. His eyes filled with tears. He coughed in panic. Everything around him was crumbling down and he was falling apart, right there, in the vet office. And Ted was in his arms, dying. With the last shred of strength he took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment to suppress tears and quickly pull himself together in the dark. Ted licked his hand and Jason held the dog tighter in his arms. She spoke again. “You are tired of this dog life, aren’t you…?” she stroked Ted behind his ears looking up at Jason, question in her eyes. “Ted” Jason whispered. “Ted”, she looked down at the dog again, “let’s go over here Ted and Mr…?” “Newsted”, he chocked. She entered the room first and spread a blanket over the examination table. “Put Ted here Mr. Newsted, we’ll make him warm and comfortable”. She listened to Ted’s heart and breathing with a stethoscope. Jason stroked the dog, never breaking eye contact. “Mr. Newsted?” His heart sank in the well of sadness. He looked up. Her face was still a blur. “Ted is not doing so well.” she said gently but matter-of-factually. “You should know that he will not be able to live much longer, 48 hours maximum. He is already in pain and breathes with considerable difficulty” Jason looked at the dog and nodded. “Would you like to have Ted put to sleep?” He nodded again, tears running down his cheeks now. Ted licked his fingers again. Jason’s lips quivered. He smiled at the dog, his voice trembling. “Yeah old man, I guess we have to part our ways now. You won’t be in pain much longer you know. And I will be here with you.” He pressed his forehead against Ted’s, stroking him gently. “Right here” he whispered. She gave Ted a shot. “This is anesthetic. He is not in pain any longer. I will now administer the second shot and it will be over quickly”, she said quietly. He nodded again. He stroked Ted rhythmically, as the veterinarian performed the procedure. He smiled thinking about the day a friend had showed up with a puppy in his arms, asking Jason to take it, because he was moving and couldn't bring the puppy along. “How the fuck am I going to take care of a puppy?!”, he exclaimed but the dog licked his hand and looked at him and it was love at first sight. He took Ted everywhere with him. He became a regular companion at all tours and every trip, something like the fifth member of the band. Ted was often mischievous, especially while in the dressing rooms during gigs. But no one could resist him. He once chewed on Kirk’s expensive cigar collection. Kirk was pissed and Ted was sick. Later Kirk trained him to hold a cigar in his teeth, without chewing it, and bought a pimp hat for Ted and took him to photo shoots like that. For some reason Ted liked Lars immensely, and jumped on him whenever the opportunity was there, licking Lars all over his face, ignoring his cries of protest. When James would ignore Lars’ suggestions and ideas, Lars would turn to Ted and say “so, Ted, I was saying, I thought we could do this…” and Ted would listen to him attentively, tilting his head. James always complained about “the hairy beast” eating his shoes. And then he would storm out and come back packed with stuff from pet store, artificial bones and squeaking toys and just place the bags in front of Ted saying “here, you fucker, chew on that, smells better than my shoes anyway”. James always seemed annoyed with Ted, but Ted knew him better. He would give James all his attention and love whenever James was around. At the end of the day, the two of them could often be found passed out on the couch together. Kat took her first steps with him. Angel loved taking him for long walks. Ted was so devoted to her, never leaving her side when she would visit, always on guard when she was surrounded by other people. He loved Angel. Like owner, like pet, Jason snorted bitterly. Ted was his companion and family. He was the one waiting for him, looking forward to him, sleeping at his feet, waking him up so he wouldn’t be late, cuddling against him when he would feel down. He was the one real, honest, true thing in his life for the past fourteen years. And now he was gone. Jason kissed the still warm fur between Ted’s closed eyes. “Goodbye buddy. Sleep well”. Tears glistened on the brown fur. Jason closed the door behind him and wiped his tears. He took a deep breath, running both hands through his hair. His legs felt leaden again. His inside was just a void. Where the hell should he go now? Home? Too empty. Bar? Too crowded. Isolate in the studio and play? No. For the first time since he first took a guitar in his hands, he did not feel like playing. The realization brought up a terrifying question. What is he going to do now? Fourteen years in pieces. And no idea where to go once he walks out of this office. James’ pained face appeared before him like an apparition. He would never forget the pain and disgust flashing at him from drunken blue eyes. The words “get out and never come back” rang in his ears, making the room spin. Angel emerged from the blurred distance, her last hug and smile and “take care” hit him like an electric shock, pushing him into the abyss, the door of the bistro closing in his face, Ted wagging his tail at him and running away. “Never come back” James’ voice reverberated as the room kept spinning. “Mr. Newsted”, he felt a hand on his shoulder and slowly climbed up from the abyss of his mind, soft blond curls and a pair of green eyes growing clear before him. “Are you alright? Would you like to sit down?” the green eyes looked at him with concern. “No, I’m fine. I’m sorry, I got lost in thoughts for a moment. It’s… Ted’s been with me for 14 years and…” He fell silent and looked at her. He felt a strong urge to just tell her everything but his reason held him back. His brain worked tiredly, slowly making up the following sentence of a polite conversation. Why did it take so damn long? He smiled uncomfortably. She smiled back and broke the silence. “You allowed Ted to go peacefully and painlessly. It took a lot of courage to do that. And it also took a lot of love. Rest assured that he felt your love and was grateful for what you were doing for him.” she paused for a second. “Come with me, there’s something you might want to see.” She opened the door to the room from which she had come out when he brought Ted in. He followed her and looked inside. A big black Labrador bitch lay on the blanket surrounded by five puppies. She licked them vigorously as they crammed around her. He looked at the veterinarian and met her gaze. Green eyes sparkled with joy and she beamed at him. He looked at the puppies again and couldn’t hold back a grin. There it was, new life, right there in this room, right next to where he said his last goodbye to Ted. He realized that puppies were being born just as Ted was falling asleep. The thought was oddly comforting. “Here comes the sixth one”, she said and he watched the sixth puppy coming out, rear first. The vet gently pulled the puppy out and placed it next to the others. “Come on girl, here’s your sixth boy. Come on, help him out” she encouraged the dog, but the Labrador just turned her head away towards the other puppies. He watched the veterinarian as she peeled the membrane off the puppy’s face and cleaned its mouth and nose. Then she placed this small furry ball next to his brothers. He squeaked and staggered, trying to reach the comfort of his mother’s breast but other puppies blocked all access to him and finally the mother just pushed him away. He whined feebly. “Oh no, she doesn’t want him” the veterinarian said, taking the puppy in her hand. “Can I take him?” Jason asked “Sure, he’ll enjoy the warmth” she smiled and placed the furry ball in his hand. He was so small and so helpless, trembling in his hand. Jason felt a racing heartbeat on his fingers and nuzzling of a miniature wet snout. He grinned again, despite himself. “Hey little boy” he whispered. “Place your hand over him, like this” she took his other hand and placed it over the puppy gently “to keep him warm”. “What happens to him now?” he asked? Her green eyes lost the glow of joy. “If the mother doesn’t want him, the owners will not be willing to bother. They are breeders. They’ll think there’s something wrong with him and will not take him. So…” she looked at him with sadness. Oh no! Hell no! “Well, can I take him?” he looked at her. “Well, I think you can, if you want to. Though, they’ll still want money you know.” He smiled, lifting his hands holding the puppy and stroking its small head with his index finger. “Money will not be a problem. Is it possible to check that right now?” Her face lit up. “Sure, I’ll make the call right now. You two stay here. Take this”, she put a small dropper with white liquid in his hand, “and feed him, like this”, she took his hand in hers and teased the puppy with the dropper tip. The puppy opened its mouth immediately and started sucking on the dropper. “Now press gently, we don’t want too much milk in his mouth”. He gently squeezed the bulb with shaky fingers and saw the white liquid slowly descending from the pipette. “There, you’re a natural” she looked up from the puppy and their eyes met. She smiled, the sparkles in her eyes dancing again and her smile shining on him like the brightest of suns. “Thank you ….” he stopped mid-sentence and his eyes darted to the tag on her scrubs. Strange spelling, shit, he can’t pronounce that “uh, thank you doctor” he blurted and blushed. She laughed. “Don’t worry, it’s a complicated last name, I know. I’m Magdalena” “Jason” he said and signaled to his full hands apologizing silently for not shaking her hand. That captivating smile was still on her face. “Pleased to meet you, Jason. Now let me make that phone call. I’ll be right back”. As the door closed behind her, Jason looked at his new companion, still sucking eagerly on the dropper. “You’ll be fine little man. I promise.” |
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| olyamet | Aug 28 2011, 08:18 PM Post #9 |
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Let's Dance
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Okay, I know I said it on MC, but there I'll say it here too!!! Omg... I so... I can't even type... YOU MADE ME CRY!!!! I'm here like a fucking wimp in tears, with box of Kleenex!!! God... poor Jason... he's life falling apart. First the band, then Angel, now the dog... the old life dying... all of it, just cut off. That part was so beautiful and so painful! ![]() And then... then a new life in a form of a small helpless puppy... unwanted, just like Jason, rejected even by his mother. God, that is a match made in Heaven! Both needing each other so much at this moment! I love you Bo!!! And the last words!!!
Just made me tear up again, but gave me hope. They need each other, they found each other... and they will be alright... Aaaand..... I'm intrigued by this vet... Awesome, deep an very emotional chapter!!! LOVE IT!!! And I add something I forgot, was too emotional to think straight...lol The part with memories, so good! And this line is just perfect!
Amazing writing!!! |
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| Unforgiven | Aug 28 2011, 09:08 PM Post #10 |
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"This is my sober face"
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I'm... I'm amazed and sobbing and... *sigh*. I'm truly speechless. Unbearable cuteness and sadness. I'll just... ![]() Amazing !
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| HellAngel81 | Aug 29 2011, 07:52 AM Post #11 |
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Phantom Lord
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I was thinking to write a thoughtful & clever comment......but nothing appropriate came out. Only thing I can say....remarkably chapter!
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| Margarita | Sep 4 2011, 07:59 PM Post #12 |
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Sand[wo]man
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@Olya - granny I love you so much!!! Intrigued by the vet, you say... @Kimmi - so sorry I made you cry. I cried writing it! I hope you'll continue reading though @ Katja - thank you honey!!! Don't worry, sometimes the lack of words speaks volumes Thank you girls so much for reading!!! Here's more! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 3 He sat on the chair and continued feeding the puppy. The dog’s racing and strong heartbeat reminded him of new life on his hands. He thought about the intricate ironies of fate that brought him here on this very day, at this very hour. It could have been any other day, he could have still been in the band, in love with his friend’s wife, living his old fake life. It could have been another veterinarian in the office, someone who would not pay attention, or care much, or even worse, someone who would have recognized him and pestered him. Instead, it was this day. The day he finally confessed his unreturned love to Angel and to himself. The day when he drove the last nail in the coffin of his past years. The day when Ted died. And it was this very veterinarian. Magdalena. With gentle hands and sparkles in her eyes and the most contagious smile he has ever seen. She helped him close one chapter and then opened another one for him, when she opened the door to that room. His head cleared up. Echoes of sadness, regret and fear were muffled by the sound of his heart beating steadily after a long time. He knew he would carry his demons for months to come but the future somehow seemed less intimidating. “I guess we were lucky to stumble upon each other, you and I.” he told the puppy, stroking his little head. “Very lucky indeed!” He looked up and there it was, that smile, shining on him again. “Good news?” “Yup, you got yourself a new dog”, the sparkles danced. “OK, uh, what do I do now? I never took care of anyone that little” his eyes widened. “You’ll have your hands full for a while. Just like with a human baby, you know. He’ll want your love and care and attention. You will have to feed him and cuddle him and clean up after him. A lot.” she laughed at the sight of him, staring at her with words “what the hell was I thinking” written all over his face. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you, if you want.” He blurted out, looking at the puppy and then at her: “Of course! We will need all the help we can get” and laughed. She smiled and held his gaze. He did not look away. A few seconds passed in comfortable silence and then the puppy started wriggling in his hand, demanding attention. “Hey, hey, easy! You’ll fall out!” he laughed. “OK, he needs a name” he looked at Magdalena again. “Oh, that’s between you guys, I don’t want to intrude” she took a step back and shrugged her shoulders laughing. “Hm, lucky boy, what should I call you?” Jason’s brows furrowed. She watched him as he contemplated the name. He lifted the puppy close to his face and whispered something. His eyes were warm and gentle, his long fingers cupping the small furry ball. Yes, that puppy got himself a nice, loving owner, she thought. She observed Jason’s curly hair, sharp jaw lines, muscled neck, shoulders and arms. Lucky, indeed, she bit her lip at the thought and smiled to herself. “How about Lucky?” his voice snapped her out of her thoughts. “Lucky is just perfect” she smiled and he smiled back. Beautiful smile to top it all off… Oh stop it Magdalena! “OK, my shift ends in twenty minutes. I suggest we go and do some shopping for Lucky, unless you want to do that on your own?” she looked at Jason. Was that too much? “Oh we go together definitely! I don’t know where to go or what to buy. I mean, I’ll pay for everything, I don’t expect you to work for free, please don’t think that I’m trying…” I should have mentioned that earlier, shit, he gave himself a mental slap. “Jason, it’s ok.” she smiled reassuringly. “Let me wrap things up here and then we go.” Half an hour later Jason and Lucky stood in front of the clinic waiting for Magdalena to show up. Meanwhile she stood in front of her locker changing her scrubs for a pair of faded blue jeans, a white T-shirt and Converse sneakers. She made a shopping list in her head, thinking about the best stores and fastest routes. The organization-freak inside her enjoyed this immensely. She opened the door and saw Lucky curled up in the cavity above Jason’s collar bone. She fought the urge for a cheesy “aaaawwww” with difficulty and walked towards them. As he followed her car to the store, he watched her dancing in her seat, her blond curls waving around her head and her hands tapping the rhythm on the steering wheel. It was such a contrast to complete silence of his car. He was drawn to the joy and optimism she radiated and grateful to whichever force sent her his way. Their little shopping trip ended faster than he expected and he was reluctant to go home. The abyss he had fallen into earlier still lurked behind the door of that house. He closed the trunk door and turned towards her. “Allow me and Lucky to invite you for a drink at our place. And some takeout, if you’re hungry.” he spoke fast, hoping that he didn’t sound too desperate, smiling faintly to cover up his anxiousness. She watched him and thought how he’s just being polite now. Yup, she was pushy, she should not have offered to go to the store with him. Always acting on impulse with people she liked. Always the same mistake. “I don’t know…”, she started. His heart sank. He looked at her, tilting his head slightly, and lowering his eyes but keeping his gaze on her. She noticed only then how blue his eyes were. She was looking at mesmerizing blue springs that she could stare at for hours. Blue depths were calling for her to dive in and explore. Honesty and beauty glistened on the surface. Sadness lurked underneath, like dark caves hidden on the bottom of the ocean. She held his gaze trying to enumerate reasons in her head why she should refuse the invitation. But the longer she looked the more she wanted to explore the hidden treasures under the surface. It has been a long time since she felt so drawn towards the unknown. She inhaled and jumped into the blue wells. “A cold beer would be most refreshing.” His face lit up. “After you then” he gestured to her car. While she was waiting for him to bring drinks from the fridge, she looked around the living room. She approached the book shelves to browse through the titles. There were interesting looking statuettes on one of the shelves. They looked familiar, she saw something like this before. It was a small old gramophone. She read the plate. Metallica. Jason Newsted. Metallica?! “Nice little gramophones aren’t they?” She turned, question obvious in her eyes. He stood at the door frame, two beers in his hand. “Yup, that would be me” he shrugged, smiling uncomfortably. “And I did not know. I look like a complete idiot now, don’t I?” “No, you don’t. Trust me, there is nothing wrong with you not knowing that. I’m a former member anyway. Here” he handed her the beer and turned around quickly, avoiding her eyes. He sat on the sofa and took Lucky in his lap fixing his eyes on the sleeping puppy. Former member. The words sank in. A flash ripped through Jason’s insides up to his throat. His palms got sweaty and his stomach clenched while he hastily planned for an escape route out of the conversation. OK, here we go. “So, that pretty much sums it up about me, what about you?” he smiled faintly and finally summoned the courage to look at her. She studied his face carefully for a few seconds. His heart raced loud as a bass drum in his ears and his temples pulsated as he waited for her to start asking questions about the band. It was only human that she would, he thought. What should he say? Stick to the official version? Health factors, artistic differences… His brain was in a state of anxious overload. He tried to hold her gaze but his eyes kept darting away in an attempt to protect his secrets smoldering in his subconscious and waiting patiently to burst into flames as soon as he was alone with his thoughts. After a few seconds for her and short of an eternity for him, she just returned the smile. Jason saw appreciation and understanding in her look. A wave of relief washed over him making every muscle in his body relax from a painful spasm. He finally managed to make his eyes hold steady on her. She sighed and started. “Well, I’m a veterinarian; that much is obvious. I’m 30. The office you came to is where I work part time in the afternoon and evening shifts. I work at the ranch of famous race horse breeders the rest of the time. It’s my specialty, racing horses. I take care of the whole herd; watch horses’ fitness, diet, mare pregnancy, the whole lot. Basically just making sure that they are all fit and well and at the top of their game. Because once they’re not, things get rough on them. And that is when I cry and bang the wall and feel frustrated. No breeder wants them for long. And those horses can be brought back, they can, they just need time and effort and love and support, just like humans do. But you know how things are when money is involved. Nobody really wants to bother. So, I take all the shit, pardon my French, I swallow all the frustration and I still work, because it pays well and because I’m saving every cent I can to make my dream a reality one day. I’m not exactly any bank’s favorite client, so I just have to do my best with what I’ve got, which means I have to work, work, work.” she pumped her fist in the air, saying the last words and laughed. He listened carefully. She was so different. So different from anyone he has met and been with before. She was life that was going on outside his world. There she was, a woman with a dream and a plan how to make it true. Her eyes sparkled again, as she talked about saving horses. Just like humans, she said. He wished there was some one who could save him, get him out of this limbo, make him stand on his legs again, see the world with different eyes, explore what else it had to offer, teach him to be only Jason Newsted, rather than Newsted the newbie, Newsted the bass player, Newsted always a good friend. Always good but never good enough. She noticed he was listening to her but his thoughts were elsewhere. His brows were furrowed and his fists clenched. Sadness contorted his beautiful face. “Sorry, I got a bit carried away. One of my problems is that I talk too much.” she looked at him apologetically, hoping that was enough to make him look at her. Her voice silenced his swirling thoughts for a second. Her eyes were inviting, their intense green color taking up the room, their warmth comforting. Then he remembered that other pair of hypnotizing eyes and the room spun, the abyss opening up under his feet. He shook off the image hastily. “What is it that you dream of?” he asked quietly and looked up at her again from under his brow. The sparkles in her eyes started their dance again. “Oh, I dream of a ranch. I dream of a clinic. I dream of saving horses….Have you ever been to Montana?” His heart jumped. Of all the places… She could not have known, could she, she did not know anything about him. What were the chances… “Yeah, I’ve been to Montana” he encouraged her to go on. “That’s the dream setting for this dream of mine. It’s highly unlikely though.” she sighed. “But there’s nothing wrong in dreaming, right?” she smiled. “I’ll drink to that”, he returned the smile. “If you want to, you can go with me to the ranch tomorrow.” There was a lot of insecurity in her voice but she looked him straight in the eyes. “That is if that is something that would interest you at all.” she fell silent. “And if you have time… I mean…” she shrugged, looking around the room, embarrassed. “I don’t…” He interrupted her with his answer. “I’d love to.” Anything to get away, was the unspoken afterthought. He’d deal with his guilty conscience about that later. “I usually have lunch at a secluded spot above the ranch. It’s beautiful and I think Lucky would be safe roaming there. I could make us a picnic basket?” Where did that come from? She felt short of breath. “That sounds great.” their eyes met, the sparkles in her eyes danced, their flashes reflecting in the darkness underneath the clear blue surface. Later that day Jason was under the shower. Hot water caressed his face and body, relaxing his muscles as he recounted the rollercoaster of emotions and events of the day. He kept his eyes closed and suddenly realized that there was no dark abyss sucking him in. He was standing on the green plains, as green and comforting as her eyes. The sun shone on him as bright and warm as her smile. He did not want to open his eyes and allowed himself to linger on the plains some more. His legs felt light, a smile forced its way to his lips and stretched them, pulling the corners upwards and pinning them there. He turned the water off and the muffled sound of the TV in the bedroom reached him. “After 14 years of holding down bass duties for Metallica, Jason Newsted is leaving the band….” The feeling of lightness quickly withdrew. He stepped out of the bathroom and turned the TV off. The dark screen now mirrored his naked body, his hair dripping wet, drops gathering in thin streaks running down his back and chest. Jason looked at his naked reflection. Is it ever going to close, this open wound on his soul? Is it ever going to be over, this doubt if he did the right thing? It was the right thing to save his integrity, or what was left of it, that was the one thing he was sure of. That was what led him through the agony of breaking up from the band, of coming to terms with Angel. He never thought about what would come next. He did have plans for Echobrain, for working on his own music, for doing something different, for exploring new ways. But he never thought about what the rest of his life would look like. Music was most of it, but not all. The remainder seemed as blank as the TV screen. He sighed. Lucky staggered to his feet and licked the drops of water from his ankles. Jason took him in his hand, smiling affectionately. “Hey buddy, it’s bed time. We have a big day out tomorrow you and I and Magdalena.” Was that the answer to questions about new beginnings? He put Lucky in a basket next to his bed and turned the light off. A few minutes later he heard sad squeaking from the basket. “Train him to sleep in the basket since day one” were Magdalena’s words. “Don’t fall for his cries.” How can you not fall on that?! He sighed and took Lucky out of the basket. “OK, you, this is just for tonight and just because you’re so small. Don’t think you’re gonna sleep in my bed when you grow up” he lectured Lucky picking him up and putting him on the bed. Lucky explored the bed, sniffing around and finally curled up in a ball at Jason’s feet. Jason closed his eyes and let his mind drift off to the green plains again and roam freely. Edited by Margarita, Sep 4 2011, 09:32 PM.
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| Lenne | Sep 8 2011, 12:21 AM Post #13 |
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Snake... I am the snake!
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I had lost these last two chapters ..... I can only say: you write very well... I love when someone makes me feel like I was watching the whole scene, from within. Thank you so much! Is amazing....
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| Margarita | Sep 11 2011, 07:28 PM Post #14 |
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Sand[wo]man
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@Lenne - I'm so glad to see you back and reading!!! Thank you! Here's moreThanks to everyone who's following this! Hope you like the next chapter! _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 4 The skies were bright blue, splattered with white puffs floating lazily. Jason and Magdalena lay on the blanket with hands behind their heads and stared at the sky. The day passed fast. He followed her around as she did her job on the ranch. A few other employees were there. They were all very polite and glad to see her and she introduced Jason as her long time friend to whom she wanted to show her work. She winked at him after this benign lie with a mischievous smile on her face. He was amazed by the amount of work she did and how organized she was. What startled him the most was the way she communicated with the horses, treating each of them as an individual, having different little ways and talks with every animal. It was incredible how much they trusted her. It was a relationship of pure love reflected in her every move, touch, word, look and returned by horses’ obedience, nuzzling and play. Jason felt at ease. He asked hundreds of questions and helped when needed. He liked helping her, it was something completely new and it gave him a chance to do something useful. After a long time he truly enjoyed his day. “This was an amazing day. Thank you for inviting me.” “You’re most welcome. I was afraid you would be bored, I’m glad you liked it.” “Your work is anything but boring! You deserve your own ranch, I hope that dream comes true for you one day” he said honestly. “Jason?” Two clouds merged and covered the sun. “Yes?” he closed his eyes and waited. “What will you do next? Now that you’re out…” she trailed off. She kept her eyes on the skies above. The cloud moved and the sun spilled its light again. Jason exhaled the breath he unconsciously held. She mistook that for exasperation. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” she blushed. “No, no, it’s ok, I just thought you would ask me about my past” “I figured you would rather talk about the future” Sun beam fell on his face through the leaves and Jason closed his eyes again, enjoying the warmth in the dark. “Well, I’ll wrap up my new project first. It’s called Echobrain. It’s fresh, different, not something I am known for. We’ll go forward with the album, then probably do a few gigs to feel the vibe. And I’ll go from there. There are other materials I would like to work on, a lot of old stuff, a lot of ideas, I just have to enter my studio and pick up my bass… Right now that seems pretty difficult…” the warmth faded and he opened his eyes to find another cloud covering the sun. “Well, challenges make life interesting and exciting, right?” “True. But challenges bring frustration too, especially if things don’t work out the way you expect them too.” “Life doesn’t work out the way we expect it too, you’ll agree.” “Yes. I know all about things not working out”, Jason closed his eyes again. He hated this. Every direction his thoughts and his words would go to, he would hit the same wall. Even the talk about his future plans led to this. Clouds grew thicker and concealed the sun completely. “There is a reason for everything. There is a reason why some things do not work out, even if it is not immediately obvious to us”. She said this quietly but firmly, as if reinforcing her own belief. Jason contemplated her words in silence. Clouds continued their journey, growing thicker and darker. What if there is no reason whatsoever? What could possibly be the reason for him to be where he was in his life at the moment? What was the reason for him to be willingly exposed to torture of wanting and not having, of loving what was not his to love, of giving without ever getting something in return? He could not stop thinking about it, aware of the growing abyss rising again, opening its mouth, threatening to suck him in. Panic gripped his throat. Darkness surrounded him inside and out, like a man buried alive. Someone touched his hand. His eyes snapped open, as if he woke up from a nightmare. He watched the hand of his rescuer holding his and followed the arm over the shoulder and neck up to the face. “I’m sorry, I got carried away with my philosophy and killed the conversation. Told you I talked too much” she smiled and withdrew her hand. Her eyes returned to the sky again. “It’s my fault, I drifted away.” He looked at her profile. Her head rested on the pillow of soft blond curls. Her face looked like the work of a talented sculptor with sharp lines of her nose, jaw and pointed chin softened by her full lips, long eyelashes and soft skin. She was beautiful. As if waiting for the cue, another beautiful face sprang up from the hidden corner of his subconscious. He blinked hard, pushing the image back with everything he had. Black clouds began clashing, sending lightning and thunder followed by heavy wind. Jason and Magdalena ran to the car and made it just before heavy drops of rain started falling from the skies. They drove home in comfortable silence. “So, what are your plans for next week?” he asked her as he pulled the car to a stop in front of her house. Rain pounded on the windshield. For a fleeting moment he thought he saw sadness on her face. “I’m afraid I’ll be away for some time. Tomorrow I’m packing and then I’m going with my boss and my horses for a race tour of three weeks. After that I’m flying to Canada for equine veterinary association congress, I have a presentation there, which I have to polish in the evenings, after the races. So, I’ll be away for a month give or take a day.” “Oh… Well that sounds exciting. I think I’ll make myself busy too. It’s high time I got back to the whole Echobrain project…” There was no joy in his voice. Magdalena fumbled for words. “You can always call me of course. I mean if you have a question about Lucky or something” she looked around, avoiding his eyes. “Thank you. It’s comforting to know that. I mean, he’s still very little and all.” he smiled nervously. “Have a safe trip.” he leaned over and hugged her. She didn’t expect that. His long arms wrapped around her and his beard tickled her cheek. She inhaled a mixture of smells, his perfume, his hair and skin. He smelled perfectly. She wanted to stay like this forever. Oh no, no, no, this is not happening. Get out of the car, now! “Bye” she whispered, pulling out of the embrace. She avoided his eyes and quickly opened the door and ran to the house. She leaned on the door breathing fast. His scent still lingered on her. She ran her fingers through her hair. You are not going down that path again. Never again. She shook the rain off her hair and headed to the bathroom. Jason watched her running to the door and sighed. He needed her to stick around a bit longer. He needed someone to keep him away from darkness. Was that selfish? Was that abuse of kindness? Did it make him a bad man? Maybe it’s good she had to leave. For her sake. He turned on the ignition and left. The next few days went by in a haze. Jason got in touch with the rest of Echobrain and they started rehearsing. The album would be out soon, there were only a few final touches and then the whole machinery would get in motion. He jammed with the boys most of the days and in the evenings and nights he browsed through his old recordings made and collected over the years in the breaks between tours. Work made him feel better. For the umpteenth time in his life music proved itself as his refuge from the world. He kept himself busy and deliberately worked to the point of exhaustion. That meant he could just pass out in bed and prevent his mind from revisiting painful memories. He carefully avoided any musical news or people who might bring news about Metallica or Maiden. No one called him and he did not call anyone. But it was inevitable. One day, while he channel surfed before going to bed, the voice of a perky guy on the screen said: “and for all you Metallica fans, while we are waiting for any news from the band, here’s their last performance with the former bassist, Jason Newsted, at VH1 Music Awards. Enjoy.” As Fade to Black played in the background, Jason closed his eyes. In a fleeting second he was there. He knew it was his last appearance. He had grown so much apart from James and so drawn to Angel by that point that it was apparent something drastic was about to happen. He did his best to deny it every day, searching reasons to contradict his gut feeling. He spent dozens of sleepless nights thinking about solutions. But every new day would prove his efforts to be futile. And every new day would make his heart bleed more. Years of longing started taking their toll on him. He sometimes thought of himself as a masochist. What else could make him stay and suffer for so long? There were the good days, and there were the bad days, but there was not a day when he would not think of Angel. While he was away from her, at home, in the studio, on tour, things would be bearable. And God knows they all toured a lot. That must have saved him from going completely insane. However, her proximity would tear down his carefully constructed walls in a second. The struggle would then begin all over again, demanding ever more physical and emotional strain. The only thing that got him going was the music. He invested so much of himself in being in the band. He gave everything he had at every rehearsal, every gig, every event, since day one. It was the joy of playing and being a part of something so massive as Metallica that helped him save his sanity over the years. He was able to share his passion with hundreds of thousands of people. And by doing that, he was able to keep the only other passion in his life to himself. He became a master of deception and self control, foolishly thinking that his feelings would change with time, that somehow he would grow a thick skin, just like he managed to do over years of taunting and abuse in the band. After that bus explosion, when everyone thought Angel was dead, he managed to stay silent and standing. The agony lasted for some time, until Lars finally told them she was alive. And then she entered the room rushing to James. Everyone else hugged her, but he couldn’t. He just stared at her, a grin fixed on his face, telling himself to stay put, like a dog. And when Lars got them out of the room, he excused himself and went to his room. It was then that he broke into pieces, right after he locked the door. He fell on his knees and fought for air as spasms took over his body, all the fear and sorrow fighting their way out of his heart, leaving him breathless and moaning in pain, curled up on the floor. Days, months and years passed, his passion for music keeping him alive. Metallica was not enough, his fingers craved strings during band’s time off, and his mind searched for a way to deceive his heart by focusing on something else. That is when he begun to search for new projects, explore new ways, styles, genres. That was when he would make his own recordings during sleepless nights, thinking of her, his fingers caressing the strings with gentleness that he saved for her and never gave to any other woman in his life. It was therapy. A painful therapy. His guitar was his friend in misery. It took months for him to get back on track after her abduction. He had never been so terrified and helpless in his life. He never insisted on going there for pure fear that he would not able to control his urge to hold her, just to make sure it’s really her and she’s really alive. So he stayed, again, like a well trained dog. He stayed and waited. And he cried of joy when she finally got back. Just as he managed to reestablish his old, masochistic pattern, he watched her giving birth. He witnessed the miracle of life, the unspeakable joy after prolonged pain, the unbreakable bond between her and her husband, the look of eternal love they exchanged. It was difficult to decide what was more painful – the shattering of the last hope or the realization that he had hoped at all. Yes, he never wanted children. Not because of the pain, the happiness on her beautiful face erased all memories of pain. It was because he wanted children with no other woman but the one he could not have. And so he played Fade to Black one last time. He waived to the crowd one last time. He saw her backstage but she wasn’t looking at him. Her eyes were fixed on her husband, just as they were at that party in Barcelona all those years ago. He thought it was the last time he saw her too. But no, it wasn’t enough was it, there had to be more, he had to reach the absolute bottom, he had to be used and stepped on and humiliated one last time by the two people he loved the most. Are you now running on the self-pity mode, Newsted? How pathetic of you. The familiar feeling of weight on his chest appeared. The abyss emerged again in his mind in full force and he felt himself falling. He dug his nails into the sheets to maintain balance and stay in the present, but the darkness was much stronger and slowly sucked him in. He turned to his side and saw his cell phone on the nightstand. He grabbed it and dialed a number. The rings echoed down the abyss as he sank. |
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| olyamet | Sep 11 2011, 08:23 PM Post #15 |
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Let's Dance
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Perfect! The sky changes with Jason's thoughts, feelings. The ray of sun comes, pushing the clouds away with Magdalena's words/touch. And don't even get me started on the part about the past... It was like seen those events through Jason's eyes... makes me feel 'oh, my God... I'm such a bitch, putting him through that.." Only now I realize how painful it was for him to live with this unreturned/unspoken love, never dare to show it. Poor baby... but. Magdalena able to push the darkness away! And although, she seems to have her own demons to battle (I would love to know what happened to her in the past, that makes her say 'never again') she drawn to Jason too! I think it's enough of my mumbling...lol I just got back and after 20 hours of driving my brain is a bit dead, and I'm sure I missed some highlights. Love the update, love every word! Every line has a deep meaning!!! |
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