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KRA feedback?
Topic Started: Jun 6 2013, 01:03 AM (190 Views)
KRA
Belt Maker
Being as this is a brand new character and all...I'd very well appreciate some feedback over my first two roleplays...specifically the second one as I feel it's the best thing I have written in a very long time. I know I am having a liiiitle trouble bringing the match in, but hopefully that will come with time.

Thanks,
Danny
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Daisuke
Member Avatar
Who Let That Idiot Near a Computer?
Wrestlers
I think you need more of a positive portrayal of Islam. Intersperse promos with some wisdom of the Prophet, or add a few Arabic verbal tics or something.

Also, you no-sold Hikou.
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Lita Maivia
The Lovely Assistant
Wrestlers
So far I am a fan of the character. Gimmicks like this have a tendency to start off stale or become outrageously hypocritical in record time, but thus far you are doing well with him. He's not an extremist about his religion and that's a great start, and gives you room to grow with the gimmick. I'm glad you aren't putting the pedal to the metal with the gimmick right away and the whole idea of the character is being eased in. The second roleplay was very well done and it was a good read, playing off your opponents well. My only gripe would be that he can become incredibly wordy as a promo goes on and I find myself staring at large blocks of orange text towards the end. I'd suggest trying to find ways to incorporate more narration in your promos and/or condense the speech a bit so as not to lose anyone before the point is made. But otherwise I think the character is off to a good start.
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KRA
Belt Maker
Okay, thanks. "Wisdom of the Prophet" is a good idea..And I know about the wordiness I can get into. Unfortunately thats what I was used to in a prior fed, and well basically had to write a certain way to get ahead. Thanks for the feedback again, I appreciate it.
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Minister Wighty
Member Avatar
Chief Executive Officer
The Boss
Sorry for the lateness of the reply, I've had a lot on my mind this week. I like what you're putting forth and I think it'll only get better as the character develops. My only real complaint is that the roleplays are a BIT long. Like, a couple fewer paragraphs would really make it feel less cumbersome. That's just my personal preference, though.
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KRA
Belt Maker
Thanks, and well...seems to be the to be the consensus.
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