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I, Nuzlocke.; a Pokemon Polished Crystal Nuzlocke. Part 18 - Suprise (16/08/18)
Topic Started: Jul 22 2017, 01:36 AM (3,964 Views)
Narsil
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That one in the corner
Welcome to my first run! I consider first two updates significantly weaker than rest of them - maybe it's just my opinion but anyway, please try to read at least three updates before you give up. It gets better, I promise.

01.03.2018 EDITED - minor retcons for some inconsistencies

Rules


War. War never changes.

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Kanto waged war to gather Pokemon from another regions. Unova built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Warmaster Cynthia shaped a battered Sinnoh into an economic superpower. But war never changes.

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In the last century the storm of world war had come again. After Long Night, when Arceus vanished, fifty one people from different regions dreamt of fifty one legendary Pokemon. Suicune, Ho-oh, Darkrai, even Mewtwo or Deoxys - every legendary had a one message: "Arceus is gone, and I'm His inheritor." Then, each one of dreamers proclaimed himself a Navi, "Prophet" of new God. Enhanced by their god's power, Navim quickly became ruling class. Some of them by force, some of them by genuine support of people. Soon enough, people started worshipping Legendaries and everyone forgot about Arceus.

Everyone, except us, Nuzlockim, Righteous Ones of Arceus. He Himself blessed us not only with extraordinary training skills, but also with gift of understanding our Pokemon speech. But every gift has a price. For our Pokemon losing a fight doesn't mean fainting - it means death. Every battle gives them much more power than usual, but also is a grave risk. That's the price of being Nuzlocke.

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There was a time when every child knew names of great Nuzlockim, like Black, the Eyeless Seer or Morpha the Redeemed, and of course Ruby the Sentinel. Then, Red happened. I still remember it. Pogroms in Saffron and Celadon. Ritual sacrifices in Lavender Tower. And of course Long Night. A few dissidents were able to reach the relative safety of neighbouring Johto. My family was part of that group. It has been three years since the war, and I thought we have finally found peace.

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Little I knew that my life was about to change.

Part 1


Spoiler: click to toggle
Edited by Narsil, Mar 1 2018, 03:42 AM.
My Runs:
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I, Nuzlocke - Cold war between Johto and Kanto, ruled by ruthless dictator known as Red, is about to end. What does it mean for mysterious worshippers of Arceus, known as Nuzlockim?
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Posted ImageShiny DustoxPosted Image
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reset myself and get back on track
[AUTOMATED] Hello! I've moved your thread to the Screenshot and Written Logs forum, as it is either a screenshot run or a written log.
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art by AgentNein

Current Team | 24 - Cold Blooded

Posted ImageTo view my Completed Runs, feel free to visit The Insectarium.Posted Image
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🌠 Oakesy 🌠
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Indigo League Champion
This is a good read and has a good solid story behind it.

Painting Red as the villain is interesting and makes me think that this run isn't just going to run to the Johto league and will end in an epic confrontation with Red at the finale.

I wish you luck my friend and can't wait to hear more.

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UCL - I'm Blue dabba dee dabba dye!

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🌠 RubyClaw 🌠
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Really enjoying it so far! I love the background story and world building.
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My quest to Nuzlocke every game - Come see my Hall of Fame!
Generation 1: Blue, Yellow
Generation 2: Gold, Silver, Crystal
Generation 3: Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, LeafGreen, FireRed
Generation 4: Diamond, Pearl, SoulSilver
Generation 5: Black Black 2
Generation 6: X

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Posted ImageShiny DustoxPosted Image
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reset myself and get back on track
Anyway, to comment on this, I do like the concept. Soldiers of legendary Pokemon seems like it'll get really interesting. Plus, I'm really liking how you're incorporating some of Nuzlocke's meta history in your lore. Morpha, we miss you ;w;

I do have some comments though. I would see about going through your content before posting it. There are some lines that are lacking punctuation and have wrong grammar. I'd like to use this as an example:
Quote:
 
But Father, she's a Nuzlocke!
So do I! And you can trust her. I promise
You are?
He is what?
This could be improved like this:
Quote:
 
But Father, she's a Nuzlocke!
So am I! And you can trust her, I promise.
You are?
He's what?
I think that'll make for cleaner and better content. There are other examples but that was the one that stood out for me.

Anyway, I've heard only good things about Polished Crystal, but I've never actually played through it so this could be a good experience for me. Good luck with the run!
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art by AgentNein

Current Team | 24 - Cold Blooded

Posted ImageTo view my Completed Runs, feel free to visit The Insectarium.Posted Image
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Nicholas1024
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Conqueror of the Fuchsia Gym
So, the idea here is decent, but the execution feels off. You've got a unique world and a lot of exposition to get through, but presenting everything as exposition hinders the reader's immersion. For instance, while having your protag needing to explain the "Long Night" to one of their pokemon makes sense, using your starter as that is an awkward choice. He was raised by Professor Elm, so there's a good chance the professor has already explained all of this to him already. Explaining it to a wild pokemon that you caught might fit into the story a little more easily. On another note, Esh whining like the journey was just sprung on him comes across as odd, surely he knew this day would come. Or even if only one pokemon was being given to a Nuzlocker, that there was a chance it might be him. There's still good reason for him to be upset about it, but he comes across as a little childish that way. (Though if that's what you're going for, then you nailed it.)

There's also a few issues regarding grammar and dialogue. There's some sentence fragments and grammar errors across the post, which can be a turnoff for readers. And on the dialogue end, the whole "No butts" vs "No buts" thing only makes sense in written form, and they're talking out loud. Or the bit where Lyra greets her friend, Ariana reacts like she's never actually seen Lyra before. In addition, finishing NPC's sentences with a word to the right of the picture looks strange and distracts from the dialogue underneath. I'd recommend just putting the rest of their current sentence underneath the picture with the rest of the dialogue. Granted, it's mostly minor stuff, it's just something that tends to catch the eye. On that note, I'd recommend going onto the Screenshot discord chat and looking around for a pre-reader. Even having just one proofreader can help a lot with cleaning up a story, and the chat's usually good for talking through update ideas and writing stuff as well.

Regardless, good luck on your run.
Edited by Nicholas1024, Jul 23 2017, 09:37 PM.
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Narsil
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That one in the corner
HOLY SHIT, REPLIES! I'll answer them later, I promise. But yeah, English isn't my first language and it shows. So yeah, anyone wants to be proofreader?

God, I forgot how mind-numbingly boring is grinding in Gen II... Run is not dead, I think I'll be able to post something next week.
My Runs:
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I, Nuzlocke - Cold war between Johto and Kanto, ruled by ruthless dictator known as Red, is about to end. What does it mean for mysterious worshippers of Arceus, known as Nuzlockim?
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Narsil
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That one in the corner
IT'S ALIVE!!!!

I'm terribly sorry for delay, but it seems getting married and having a child severely reduced my free time. Who would've thought, right?

Sorry for inconsistent image size, in next update all images will be identical, I swear.

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Part 2 - Old Friends




Thoughts
Edited by Narsil, Dec 26 2017, 03:14 PM.
My Runs:
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I, Nuzlocke - Cold war between Johto and Kanto, ruled by ruthless dictator known as Red, is about to end. What does it mean for mysterious worshippers of Arceus, known as Nuzlockim?
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🌏 YamiX 🌏
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Wow. Congratulations!

Just fyi, you can resize images on the forums by using [img=x,y]pasted image goes here[/img]

This is pretty good! I can't wait to see more!
Yami's Kalos Extravaganza
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Claude--------Ashley--------Riley--------Xander--------Evan--------Amaura
A Whole New Dimension

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Narsil
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That one in the corner
Good to know!
My Runs:
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I, Nuzlocke - Cold war between Johto and Kanto, ruled by ruthless dictator known as Red, is about to end. What does it mean for mysterious worshippers of Arceus, known as Nuzlockim?
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🌠 RubyClaw 🌠
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Hi, that thing is alive indeed. Can't wait to learn more about the Nuzlockim.
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My quest to Nuzlocke every game - Come see my Hall of Fame!
Generation 1: Blue, Yellow
Generation 2: Gold, Silver, Crystal
Generation 3: Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, LeafGreen, FireRed
Generation 4: Diamond, Pearl, SoulSilver
Generation 5: Black Black 2
Generation 6: X

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Narsil
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That one in the corner
@RubyClaw - and I can't wait to put more plot and exposition in my run. :yay:
@YamiX - thanks both for congratulations and for advice, it made my life easier.

Part 3: Memories


Thoughts
Edited by Narsil, Dec 11 2017, 06:37 AM.
My Runs:
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I, Nuzlocke - Cold war between Johto and Kanto, ruled by ruthless dictator known as Red, is about to end. What does it mean for mysterious worshippers of Arceus, known as Nuzlockim?
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🌠 RubyClaw 🌠
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I like the debate about the morals of catching pokemon as a Nuzlocker. The story is going to some interesting places. I'm usually less of a fan of talking pokemon (although this seems to be the norm in the forums and I respect that) but your idea of Nuzlockers are the only ones who can understand them is kind of nice. (Also love the Hebrew pokemon names btw).
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My quest to Nuzlocke every game - Come see my Hall of Fame!
Generation 1: Blue, Yellow
Generation 2: Gold, Silver, Crystal
Generation 3: Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, LeafGreen, FireRed
Generation 4: Diamond, Pearl, SoulSilver
Generation 5: Black Black 2
Generation 6: X

Completed Recorded Runs
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Crawdauntless
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me @ my inner critic

Okay, I've just binged my way through this run so far and let me say, I've enjoyed every minute of it!

First thing I've just got to compliment is your pacing. You really seem to have a knack for making every set of dialogue concise without losing meaning-- I tend to call this "punchy," so if I just use that word later on that's what I mean. Having this kind of success clearly communicates to me that you've put a lot of thought into character before writing, and I appreciate it immensely when people put that kind of effort and care into their content.

Continuing on the subject of dialogue, there's a few small grammar points I'd like to make about the dialogue from this update:

Quote:
 
Don't you think I forgot that you are a Nuzlocke with next to none battling experience.

The biggest thing I'd like to point out here is that it should be "next to no battling experience." I don't like that I can't really articulate a thorough explanation for that, but it is the correct grammar. Second, more minor point here is that there's a lot of ways you could structure the opening phrase of this sentence; some examples are: "Don't think I've forgotten..."; "Don't think I forgot..."; and the way you have it right now. Any of these get the idea across, it's just a matter of you deciding which appeals to you the most. Choices like that can also influence how immersed readers get in your world, because clunky phrasing can distract them from the meaning of the dialogue.

Quote:
 
I still don't like it, but I understand it's necessary evil.

The end of this sentence should read, "...it's a necessary evil." This error, not putting in articles when they should be there, is easily the most common one I've found in the writing. It pops up several times in this most recent update, including this line from Yona:

Quote:
 
You send me against Rock type?

It should read: "... against a Rock type?" An additional suggestion for this line would be to use "You're sending" instead of "You send" at the beginning. That's how dialogue in the tone Yona's using is usually written out.

I do want to make clear that while I am kind of picking apart individual lines, I am not doing so out of any sort of mean spirit or bad intention. It's just the easiest way for me to illustrate what I'm talking about. Another thing about the narrow focus I'm using is that it can make the errors I point out seem bigger than they actually are; your run actually reads very well, and I'm just trying to help you take the writing to the next level! I hope that I haven't phrased my criticism in a way that makes you think differently about it than that.

There's one last set of lines I'd like to dig into here, and there's a couple points I'd like to talk about here:

Quote:
 
Oh no. No. I am NOT going to involve myself in any resistance.
You prefer to bow before wannabe kings with overgrown ego?
YES. Maybe you are heroes. You know what "hero" means? It's someone who got other people killed.
Harsh...
I am NOT trying to save the world. I am NOT trying to overthrow Red or Lance.
And what are you trying to do then, girl? Hide?
YOU DICK!
Yona, help me hold her!
You have NO idea how it is to live under Navi regime. Here, in Johto? They are fuckin' benevolent! You can talk shit like that and nobody cares. In Kanto you would already have your mind wiped by Sabrina. So DON'T talk to me how hard is to live in Johto!
...fuck, you're from Kanto. Fuck. I'm sorry, girl. I really am.
You better be. My father was involved in resistance. Real resistance. Without FRIGGN' BALOONS.

Firstly, I like that this finally pushes Ariana out of her emotional comfort zone. Now we know a bit better to what extent she's bottled up her reaction to all the trauma she's experienced, and under what conditions it tends to escape. It's a good thing to expose the main character's flaws clearly early on, because it gives us something to refer to when the conflict intensifies and/or development happens. Also, it's telling that even in his immediate regret of testing Ariana's patience, the balloon man still calls her "girl." In my experience, calling a young woman you don't know very well "girl" can come across as insulting, and I interpreted it through that lens as I read this scene. If it were me writing and I didn't want the man to come across as insulting Ariana, I might have just had him say, "I'm sorry, I really am." Just food for thought.

And lastly, I am an absolute sucker for lore. So naturally, I really like that you've worked the rules of the challenge into your worldbuilding and have already established different characters' attitudes towards it. That's no small feat, especially since it gives you a great jumping-off point with lots of options for developing your characters as the story progresses! This kind of "servants of a Legendary Pokemon" narrative is something that I've toyed around with several times myself, so I'm interested to see how you develop the concept. Mewtwo's servants being a kind of law enforcement is an interesting take on Mewtwo as a character, and I'd be very interested in seeing that concept expanded upon at some point; its canon backstory doesn't really scream "enforce laws" to me, unless that's a development from after the first couple regions' worth of anime/manga/etc. content. I wonder what other legendaries will become relevant to the plot, and what they stand for?

I think it's great that you're giving the plot such a thorough setup, and even better that it hasn't had a detrimental effect on how you're pacing the action. Keep adding lore bits to the updates, but do also keep vigilant about avoiding the dreaded "infodump." If you aren't aware, that's a chunk of narrative that has no action that furthers the plot, only exposition. Including such a passage (or I suppose in this medium you might call it a scene) tends to bog down the pacing and bore readers. After all, they are most invested in what's happening to the characters in the present time!

So, yeah, I really enjoyed reading all you've posted so far! Looking forward to the continuation of this story!
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Credit where credit's due: thanks to Jackinev for the Nuzlocke For Charity logo, Catas for the COTW banner, and Shiny Dustox for the New Order banner!

My gender is NEUTROIS. Please use "they/them/their" pronouns for me! Thanks~
You can find more information about Nuzlockes for Charity here!
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Narsil
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That one in the corner
Thank you for replies!

Is there any chat or something where I can ask trivial questions without spamming my own thread?
Edited by Narsil, Dec 12 2017, 07:56 AM.
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I, Nuzlocke - Cold war between Johto and Kanto, ruled by ruthless dictator known as Red, is about to end. What does it mean for mysterious worshippers of Arceus, known as Nuzlockim?
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Narsil
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Totally forgot to upload photo of Garnet (as I did with Lyra). It's uploaded now in Part 2.

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Part 4 - All Roads Lead To...
Edited by Narsil, Dec 13 2017, 07:35 AM.
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I, Nuzlocke - Cold war between Johto and Kanto, ruled by ruthless dictator known as Red, is about to end. What does it mean for mysterious worshippers of Arceus, known as Nuzlockim?
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🌠 RubyClaw 🌠
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I don't know about speaking pokemon being Nuzlockers exclusive quality honestly, and it is a feature that always confused me and I wondered about it's origin.

I love the Shards Theory idea.

As Hebrew is my native tongue I'm really enjoying these names :P. It works especially well with all the lore stuff in your world like Navi is such. Feels a bit like the titles in Dune (kefitzat haderech for example) and gives it a mystic feeling. Your run is still early on but I nominated it in the extravaganza.
Edited by RubyClaw, Dec 15 2017, 12:39 AM.
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My quest to Nuzlocke every game - Come see my Hall of Fame!
Generation 1: Blue, Yellow
Generation 2: Gold, Silver, Crystal
Generation 3: Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, LeafGreen, FireRed
Generation 4: Diamond, Pearl, SoulSilver
Generation 5: Black Black 2
Generation 6: X

Completed Recorded Runs
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Takamin
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School Idol God
Pretty much rushed it up to date (thanks goodness it wasn't that long), so I can leave a reply right now.

I love this thing. Really, it feels like a fanfic (and one of excellent quality at that) and that makes reading all the much better. Also, like you, English is not my first language, so I can feel your effort at not making many grammar mistakes!

I really like how Ariana deepens her bonds with her Pokemon and how all of them reunite when it's time to read. It kinda reminds me of the way Rosalina reads stories of her little stars.

Hope I can see more of this, so keep up with the good job!
Ongoing Runs
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Narsil
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That one in the corner
@RubyClaw - Wow, thank you for nomination! I hope I won't dissappoint you. Also, I'm a little bit jealous, I always wanted to live in Israel.
@4Lz4R - Thank you too! This is the longest thing I've ever written in English, so yeah, I hope that my grammar will improve soon. (although when I should and when I shouldn't put "a" before word is still a mystery for me :psyduck: )

Part 5 - Confrontation

Part 5,5 - Routes
Edited by Narsil, Dec 31 2017, 02:28 AM.
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I, Nuzlocke - Cold war between Johto and Kanto, ruled by ruthless dictator known as Red, is about to end. What does it mean for mysterious worshippers of Arceus, known as Nuzlockim?
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🌠 RubyClaw 🌠
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Well Israel is my home and like many countries there are good ans bad things about living there but overall I love it. If you liked it so much consider moving here in the future.

Nice update. A few close calls but good job against "Son of Navi" Falkner.
Posted ImagePosted Image

My quest to Nuzlocke every game - Come see my Hall of Fame!
Generation 1: Blue, Yellow
Generation 2: Gold, Silver, Crystal
Generation 3: Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, LeafGreen, FireRed
Generation 4: Diamond, Pearl, SoulSilver
Generation 5: Black Black 2
Generation 6: X

Completed Recorded Runs
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