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| My story and thoughts | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 16 2011, 04:19 AM (217 Views) | |
| king benji I of pxe | Dec 16 2011, 04:19 AM Post #1 |
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Shotter, hitter, serial killer.
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"Yeah if you haven't already experienced this kind of thing guys count yourself lucky. During my school years one friend committed suicide, one of my best friends committed suicide, and another guy I sat with in every class died in a motorcycle accident. It was an empty feeling going to all of those classes after that. .. and those are only the school friends that I lost in my school years. There are many more people that I've lost recently; if I can try to recall, the above mentioned and the following have all passed the past 3 years.. Grandmother died of cancer. Grandfather died of cancer. Aunty had a heart attack and died. Uncle had a stroke and died. Friends brother committed suicide. Classmate from last year just a couple of months ago committed suicide. Family friend died suddenly. Family friend died from heart failure. Would-be-cousin miscarried. Step-fathers father became ill and died suddenly. My brothers friend got brain cancer at aged 24 and passed away. And you know what? I've never really recovered to be honest with you. How do you move forward when this misery is surrounding you constantly? It's beyond me, honestly. I can't say that's a complete list, and it's sad, but I forget who I've lost in the past while. I'm a social person as you all know, and I meet and become close with a lot of people. On top of this, I've lost both my cat and dog who also passed in old age. I've been depressed, I've self-abused, I suffered through a messy break up with a girl I was with for two years, and I've been to the very brink of my being and contemplated ending my life too, but you know what life? Fuck you life. You can try bring me down but I'm going to keep living and make the most of the time I have. Things are beginning to look up, and you can get fucked if you think you can take me back to where I once was. I'm going to live as I wish to. " Carrying on with the other thread, I'm going to share my past four years of life with you PXE. This will be the bones of me, my very being to my core. I bare all on the table, and I'm not hiding anything. I don't want to steal the significance of Oranges thread from him, so I've made my own. I've had my head down for so long I'd almost forgotten how it felt to have it held high. Many nights I've spent, head on pillow but I don't sleep, I lay numb with tears streaming down my face and I can barely etch out a thought through this blank and meaningless feeling in my head and honestly, you dont see a way out of it. It's like being in a dark room. The door is locked. You're a prisoner in your own mind and misery. It only takes a life changing way of thinking or person to open the door and lead you out of the darkness and into the light. Self abuse for me did not go on for very long but it was during the very pit of my misery, and I didn't want to show everyone how I was suffering. They were suffering enough at is themselves without having to worry double because im handling my emotions piss poorly. I used to scratch the surface of my forearm near my wrist, using some small sharp piece of something, and I cannot remember what it was exactly. I'd never cut too deeply because I didn't want it to scar and show everyone a side of me I wasn't proud of. I just cut enough until it hurt. I guess in a twisted way I was punishing myself for not dealing with things better and not doing more to prevent these people from dying. I would keep cutting over the open wound and it would hurt like hell and then I'd wear a wristband to cover the mark. If you wondered, no I don't feel like that now. It was a long process, and admittedly not an easy one at all, but I got out that state of mind I had been even further firmly planted in by various different things and I haven't done that since I was in that pit about 3 years ago. At the time I turned to one of the few people I trusted to open up my emotions to. She told me to stop being so fucking dramatic and stop texting her all my bull shit and so I closed up further. And you know, over all those years, I suffered. Life would begin to look up, then suddenly another tragedy would strike. It was as if life didn't actually want me to recover or feel good again and it sucked, it really did. I can't sugar coat how those years felt, but I spent a lot of time thinking. Over many a sleepless night and thinking moods, I had to develop a philosophy on all of this bull shit. Make sense of it, you know. Because I guess that's what made it the most painful, was that couldn't comprehend what was happening. I couldn't comprehend living a day without these people who made my sun shine. But even when the torch goes out, there is always something or some one to reignite that flame and although it's not the same as it was, it can still burn brightly. It may burn differently, but the heat stays the same, in the same way that we may think different or gain a greater appreciation for those around us due to the circumstance, but we are still the same person we always were. Carrying on, although during these times we dont really know where the source of this ignition is, it exists and our flame CAN burn brightly again. We're not destined to burn out until our final breaths. In the mean time we have to live and prosper with what we are given. Happy are not those who have it all, but those who have all that makes them happy - as little or as much as that may be. I developed philosophy over these years, a philosophy that saw light in the dark, that saw merit in the pain, that saw opportunity in the loss. I saw one that taught me not to mourn the loss, but to celebrate the life. Cry not because you'll never see them again, but rather celebrate and be happy that you got to spend the time you did with them. Every day is a gift with the people you love, and should be treated as such. It's not easy at all, but its when you are strong within yourself and pick yourself up and see things differently like I did that things start to become perhaps not easier, but instead you become better set to deal with the pain. That does not mean I'm not sad, because I can never ease those feelings. I can only be grateful that I got to spend the time I did with them and when I think about how I'd feel if I hadn't had those times as well, I feel so much more glad that I spent the time I did with them. And despite it being true that we must fight a lot of our battles alone, we can't fight them all alone, and sometimes we need to open our hearts and let others in in order for it to be healed. Reach out to those who are hurting with you, and support each other. Let me put it metaphorically, perhaps. The situation you and your friend find yourself in is a hole. A hole that engulfs you, and one that you feel you can never get out of, not alone, anyway. However, you reach out to your friends and give them a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a heart that cares, and lift them on your shoulders and help them out of the hole. But, you say, how do I now get out of this hole? Well, people, it's done by the friend you've just helped. They reach down into this aforementioned hole and give you a helping hand and pull you out of the hole as well. People help people, and hearts mend hearts. It is generally during these times, especially for me anyway, that we realize how much the people in our lives mean to us. Before this darkened period of my life, I really took the ones I love for granted. I didn't spare a thought for how much their absence would mean to me, and when they passed, an overwhelming feeling of remorse and regret overwhelmed me and brought me to my knees. I mourned for the times I would miss with them, until of course I developed the thinking as outlined above. I guess guys, in summary, treasure the people you love because not every day with them is guaranteed. Tell them you love them, even if it means they call you a softy, you'll be glad you did. Do nice things for them and let it be known that you are glad they're in your life. I apologize this is all probably getting muddled towards the end as after typing so much my brain overloads. It is what it is, though. |
| hey you know what fuck you photobucket i actually liked my signature yOU CUNTS | |
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| Taronitar | Dec 16 2011, 04:24 AM Post #2 |
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Sneasel
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Benji ;_; |
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| Orange | Dec 16 2011, 04:27 AM Post #3 |
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Fuck da police
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I didn't get a chance to read the whole thing, gotta get to sleep. But I hate people who do that, who only care when you're happy or whatever. But we're here for you <3 I'll read the rest tomorrow. |
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| Xavier Hamilton | Dec 16 2011, 06:22 AM Post #4 |
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Benji you're making depressed ;_; |
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| Zalt | Dec 16 2011, 12:40 PM Post #5 |
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Nikki's bitch
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Damn Benji, you are one tough bro <3 |
![]() ^A piece of fruit made that | |
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| BURNOUTFREAK | Dec 16 2011, 12:54 PM Post #6 |
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2 Cabbages away from insanity
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So sad, I don't think I would have made it through all that. Way to be strong man. |
![]() i love dick | |
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| king benji I of pxe | Dec 16 2011, 01:01 PM Post #7 |
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Shotter, hitter, serial killer.
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I wouldn't have thought I could've if I had known ahead of time what I would face. You'd be surprised the face you front when face with such adversity. I trust that all of you Pixiebros would be more than able to cope too. |
| hey you know what fuck you photobucket i actually liked my signature yOU CUNTS | |
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| Volke | Dec 16 2011, 01:47 PM Post #8 |
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Yo
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^Probably, but I'd definitely get more reclusive in the process. The only person I talk to about personal matters with is my mother, because we share very similar problems (primarily very bad social anxiety). Nobody else really understands, so I simply don't bother. |
![]() He asked for a '13', but they drew a '31'. | |
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| Faris | Dec 16 2011, 01:50 PM Post #9 |
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wise and worldy wizard
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Brother Benji you went through so much than I did. But yes, sometimes we just needed someone to express ourselves to make clear of what we think and planned to that certain someone. I read the whole thing, I feel the sorrow, but the message brings me back to what I feel during my witness of someone going to the other side. Never ever fucking take anyone for granted, love them while they're still here, support them when they fall. Forever pxebros |
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| geezerguy | Dec 16 2011, 03:10 PM Post #10 |
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Better than Beneta
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Oh my, so true Benji <3
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| king benji I of pxe | Dec 16 2011, 10:12 PM Post #11 |
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Shotter, hitter, serial killer.
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Amen.
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| hey you know what fuck you photobucket i actually liked my signature yOU CUNTS | |
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| Orange | Dec 17 2011, 07:28 PM Post #12 |
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Fuck da police
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Benjiiloveyou<3 |
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| Weavile | Dec 17 2011, 07:40 PM Post #13 |
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;______; |
![]() I have nothing to say to you... | |
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| king benji I of pxe | Dec 17 2011, 10:56 PM Post #14 |
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Shotter, hitter, serial killer.
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I love you PXE ;_; |
| hey you know what fuck you photobucket i actually liked my signature yOU CUNTS | |
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7:50 PM Jul 11
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Benji <3





7:50 PM Jul 11