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Concussion
Topic Started: Apr 6 2016, 02:29 AM (69 Views)
Rachel Foxx
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The Duchess of Debauchery
[ *  *  * ]
It’s funny to think that when I was a girl, I used to love going to the doctor’s office. After the death of my father, it felt like one of the few places where I got some positive adult attention. With the monster at home only taking breaks from drinking herself into an early grave to berate us and beat on us, it was nice to feel cared about. Dr. Robertson, I can still remember each and every detail of his warm, smiling face. I remember the way shivers shot through my entire body when his gentle fingers made contact with my skin, the way he looked at me with genuine care in his eyes. He actually cared about my well being. He was one of the first men I ever had a crush on because the attention was flattering. I used to mark my doctor appointments on the calendar and countdown to them like most people would countdown to a birthday or a special occasion.

Funny how times seem to change. As a child we always looked forward to the coming of the mail man, imagining the treasures and prizes he might bring us. Now, we know he is the harbinger of bad news and bill collection. The mail has lost it’s magic. Riding in cars has lost its magic. Saturday mornings have lost their magic.

I suppose it isn’t all bad, though. The church seems to also have lost it’s dark magic over me. The deeply instilled fear of eternal damnation seems to lose it’s luster when you realize that we might already be living in hell. I mean, think of your life. Think of the daily stream of corroding acid and vitriol you see every time you turn on the news. I spent so much of my life wanting to burn the world down around me, only to find that i is already burning. We divide among these made up lines...skin color, language, sexual preference. We find meaningless reasons to build walls between each other and spend so much time and effort hating anything that is even slightly different than we are, that we turn this planet into our own hell. Seriously, try to imagine a place worse than this...try to picture a horrorscape that makes the world around you seem preferable. Look at artistic depictions of hell...they are painted just like the world around us; but, with more fire, to differentiate it from our world. Without those burning flames, it would be hard not to recognize hell as a familiar place. Once you come to grips with that...the fact that we are already living in a self-made hell, the church loses its power. You begin to see it for what it really is...a fear-mongering pyramid scheme. We pat ourselves on the backs for being smart enough not to end up like the members of Heaven’s Gate or the residents of Jonestown...but that is because your cult knows the truth. Members are much more profitable when they are alive. It’s easier to squeeze money from living people than from dead ones. And so, we take for granted that the collection plate makes it’s way around each week, slowly bleeding us of our material wealth so that those in charge can live a comfortable life style. I amy be jaded, but it is my jadedness that has allowed me to separate myself from this profiteering nonsense.

But, while there are a few advantages to the jaded reality of adulthood, the loss of innocence and magic seem like a high price to pay. My biggest regret is losing my love for the doctor. I can’t even pinpoint the moment when my feelings for the doctor turned from semi-erotic, confusing excitement to nervous anxiety; but, I know that it is a thing I have come to absolutely despise. I sit in the chair, my body lazily half-covered with an ill-fitting medical gown, my stomach churning in sickening anxiety as I am made to wait. I want to be angry; but, that is hard to do with Karsten playing so happily on the floor. Over the last few months, he has made so much progress. He learned to roll over, to crawl, to smile such a warm and inviting smile. He has been speaking, in a language only he can understand; though I don’t think I will ever recreate the smile that lit up my face the first time he looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and said “mama.” It’s hard not to smile as I watch him crawling on the floor, playing with the large, multi-colored wooden box with intertwining metal tracks with colored beads sitting on the tracks like waiting trains. The whole thing looks like and underwhelming roller coaster park that has so captured his attention as he pushes the beads on the tracks, looking back at me every now and then for approval. I smile at him, probably the only thing in this world that can elicit a genuine smile from me right now. I am so proud of him, even if it is just for reaching developmental milestones. He is my whole world, my sunshine, my reason for living. I look at him, my heart skipping when he simply looks in my direction and I often find myself wondering how my own mother could have rejected us the way she did. I would cut my still-beating heart from my chest if it would only make him smile. Becoming a mother has made me realize just how much of a monster she really is, to reject your own flesh and blood like that.

I watch Karsten as the moments pass like individual eternities, my stomach tying itself in knots, tighter and tighter with each tick of the clock. What is taking them so long? Maybe they are really busy right now...wait...how many people were in the lobby when I came in? Were there ANY people in the lobby? I try to shut my mind out for a moment to see if I can hear anyone else; but, I can only hear Karsten’s babbling. What the hell is taking them so long? It can’t be a good thing that I have been waiting so long, can it?

There is a part of me...no, not a part...my WHOLE brain is screaming at me to leave. Don’t wait for him, you already know the answers. Get dressed, grab your son and leave. Ignorance can be bliss if you allow it to be. If you choose not to pull at the threads of reality, you are left with a beautiful sweater of sublime unknowing.

I hesitate for a few moments; and, I’m actually about to stand up to grab my clothes when the knock on the door. I don’t say anything; hoping, maybe he’ll just go away. He doesn’t. After a moment he opens the door and shoots me a bit of a stern look as he sees me reaching for my pants. I shoot him a sheepish grin and try to play it off as I’m grabbing something for Karsten in my pocket. He doesn’t buy it, and I end up sitting down awkwardly. I have stood against some of the most violent, sadistic and emotionless monsters this world had to offer; and, not only did I stand face to face with them, I beat most of them. Hell, I even stapled one of them in the testicles. I am not afraid of anything in this world, in most cases I AM the fear; and yet, I have never been good with doctor disapproval. All of that insanity, and THIS is my fear? I’m disappointed in myself right now. I quickly sit back down and wait, like a child waiting outside of the principal’s office as he almost seems to ignore me. He goes to the computer in the room and logs in, looking through my chart almost aimlessly as he lets me stew in my anxiety. We sit in this one-sidedly awkward silence for a few moments before I can’t take it anymore. I am just desperate to break the silence.

“So...what’s the news?”


I want to punch myself in the face right now. Are you kidding me with this nervous Nelly bullshit right now? And yet, it doesn’t get any better as I try, unsuccessfully to add a little humor to the situation.


“...clean bill of health...right?”


He is not amused. He shakes his head as he taps away on the keyboard then slowly turns to me, shooting me a stern stare. I drop my attention to Karsten almost immediately who is still just playing away, completely oblivious to how uncomfortable I feel. My smile slowly fades as words escape my lips.

“How bad is it...really?”

He stares at me for a few more moments before speaking in that calm tone that still somehow makes you feel guilty. It’s that “I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed” tone that always cuts straight to the bone. I am 6 years old again, just wanting to crawl in the nearest hole and hide from this all.

“Well, it’s not good, that’s for sure. The scan came back showing that things are not getting any better and may actually be getting worse.”

I force a chuckle as my eyes remain on Karsten, who is now also shooting me a look that seems to be a mix of disappointment and confusion. I sigh deeply.

“But...I have time, right? I mean, you once told me that this would probably take years to become a REAL issue.”

“Are you kidding me right now?”

His voice is absolutely dripping with that stinging mixture of disappointment and disapproval. Seriously, he’s younger than I am and STILL somehow can make me feel six inches tall. His stern eyes narrow as he leans in a bit.

“This has ALWAYS been a ‘REAL’ issue, Mrs. Frost. Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy is not something we can take lightly. Yes, it may be progressing very slowly, but the more trauma you take, them worse this problem is going to become. We keep telling you that.”

I take a deep breath, determined to not let him just lecture me this entire time. I need to fight back. It takes a bit of effort, but I finally bring my gaze to meet his.

“Yeah, but you don’t even know if it’s really CTE. The last time I was here, you said it might be early indicators of Alzheimer’s or that it might not be anything at all. Besides, even if it WAS CTE…”

“IS CTE!”

He interrupts forcefully. I just continue.


“Even if it WAS CTE, you charlatans don’t actually know anything about CTE. You THINK you know, everything there is to know; but, truth of the matter is that this is such a new discovery that you are all still scrambling to learn about it. So, everything that you tell me is really just an educated guess, isn’t it?”

Once again, he is not amused.

“While you are right that we do not know all there is to know about this illness, we aren’t just guessing and pulling straws in the dark. We know enough to know that this isn’t something to be taken lightly, Mrs. Frost. Wrestling has been shown to be one of the professions with a high rate of CTE due to the constant cranial trauma and repeated concussions incurred in that line of work. Furthermore, while this does not seem to presenting like early-onset Alzheimer’s, your family history with that disease is not a great thing for you. CTE could possibly trigger the disease, or worsen it. The truth is, the combination of CTE and Alzheimer's has never been studied; but many believe they might exacerbate each other.”

“Yeah, but you don’t know that I am at risk Alzheimer's. All you know is that my father has it; and, he isn’t even that bad. Hell, you don’t even know whether or not I actually have CTE.”

I am quick to the defense; but, his face never changes.

“The symptoms you have been complaining about are consistent with the early stages of CTE. If you do not retire and take it easy, who knows how much worse it will get.”

“So...what are you saying?”

He sighs.

“I’m saying, if you don’t retire from wrestling, you are putting yourself in further danger. Each punch, each bump, each blow to the head brings you closer and closer to oblivion.Besides, isn’t that more of a hobby for you? Why not find a less dangerous hobby, like...sailing or tennis.”

He pauses, then softens his eyes as he adds.

“Look, I know this isn’t what you want to hear Mrs. Frost...but, you need to think about the future.”

My brows furrow as I suddenly feel a bolt of anger shoot through my body. I won’t yell, I hate yelling or screaming around Karsten; but, I make sure there is no mistaking my tone.

“You listen to me. I have been in this business since I was a teenager; so, more than a decade. That means that for more than a decade I have been chasing one thing...a WORLD championship!! If I don’t win that belt, then I have NO FUTURE!!! If I give up now, what the hell do I have to show for the last 13 years of my life?”

He furrows his brow

“A successful company, a couple beautiful houses, a loving husband...a beautiful son who, i’m guessing, would like you to be around during his life.”

He looks down at Karsten who has raised his arms to me, hoping I’ll pick him up. I sigh as I reach down and pick him up, cradling him in my arms as he calms down and nuzzles into me. The doctor looks back up at me, almost whispering now.

“Have you ever stopped to think about him, about how devastating this could be for him?”

My eyes narrow a bit as I respond, also in almost a whisper.

“He is the ONLY thing I think about. My son is being raised as the warrior he is. What message does it send to him if I quit before reaching the top? It teaches him that quitting is acceptable.”

“No, it teaches him the importance of taking care of yourself.”

My eyes narrow again.

“NO!!! I will not let my son see me fail. I am going to win the SCW Championship or die trying. If that means sacrificing my health to do it, then so be it?”

“And what becomes of him when he has to spend his childhood watching you deteriorate quickly? When his formative years are all spent wondering if today is the day his mother doesn’t come back. Have you thought about that?”

I pause for a moment and he pounces on the opportunity.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Like it or not, I have your best interests at heart. For the sake of yourself and your family, I am telling you you need to retire.”


I chuckle a little.

“Well, I will definitely take your suggestion into advisement...but, I have unfinished business to attend to. So...I think I’m going to have to go against your recommendation.”

He frowns in disappointment as a smug little smile crosses my lips. He hesitates for a few moments, then has to stifle his own smug grin as he speaks.

“Well, I am at least going to need to pass this information onto the Supreme Championship Wrestling management. I’m sure they would like to know that one of their own might be suffering from CTE. What do you think they will do with that information?”

He is quite content with himself for a moment; but he falters a little as my own smile doesn’t fade.

“Well, I suppose you have to do what you have to do. I would ask one question though...can you actually prove that I have CTE?”

He stammers a bit.

“Well...you have all the symptoms!!”

“Well yeah, but do you have any concrete proof that I have it, like a brain scan or a solid picture they can look at. I mean, you just put me through a barrage of scans, you must have SOMETHING?”

My voice is dripping with sarcasm, but it is enough to throw him off.

“Well...they would more than likely take my word...I mean...symptoms!!!”

“Yeah, but the SCW board are very...VISUAL people. If you walk in there with nothing to show them but a normal looking CT scan, they might not be so willing to believe you.”

“You know damn well that there is no concrete test for CTE on a living brain. That doesn’t mean you don’t have it!”

“You know that...and I know that...but, it will be your word against mine; and, I have gotten pretty good at convincing people that I’m just fine.”

He stammers again.

“But...but…”

He takes a moment; then, blurts out

“I TOOK AN OATH!!!! Primum non nocere!! FIRST DO NO HARM!!! I have a moral obligation to make sure you…”

“To make sure I what? You took an oath not to do harm to anyone else. No one is asking you to do harm. You made a recommendation, I chose to ignore it. You have done literally everything you can. You held up your end of your silly little oath. You have done no harm. What happens now is up to me.”

“No, with each hit you take, you incur more and more irreversible damage. You are mortgaging your future for something so trivial; and, if I let you go out there and do that to yourself, I have failed you, and I have broken the oath I took in medical school.”

“Well, if that’s how you choose to look at this, then...that sucks I guess. But, I pay you quite a bit of money to keep your damn mouth shut and keep this whole...business, between the two of us.”

He sighs, clearly conflicted.

“Look, up until now, I have been more than happy with our...little...arrangement. You never really seemed to be that bad, and it helped me pay off my student loans. But, over the last month, there has been clear deterioration. I know and you know it too; otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, allowing me to subject you to all these tests. We both see it, we both have the same concerns and we both know that this is not safe for you. I have to put my foot down, even if it means an end to our arrangement. Your health is much more important than money...if not, I might as well give up being a doctor.”

I furrow my brow a bit.

“So, what are you saying?”

He pauses, gathering his courage a bit before his eyes rise to meet mine.

“I...I’m saying...I think...I have to tell...someone. More specifically, I need to tell...the SCW board. I mean...this is for your own good. I have to do the right thing.”

He is doing this more for his own benefit than mine; trying to convince himself that he’s making the right move. He stops speaking and stares at me, hoping I will understand and accept this fate. We sit in this loaded silence together for a few moments as I begin thinking, taking in every detail of this scene before I finally speak, the corners of my lips curling a nit as I do.

“I noticed you have a new receptionist.”

He is thrown off by the change of topic, but shakes it off a bit.

“You mean Monica? Yeah, she’s been here a couple months now. She seems to be working out quite well.”

I chuckle, which seems to throw him off even more.

“I bet she has.”

I pause, then slyly add.

“I bet your wife would be quite interested to know just HOW well she’s been working out for you.”

His eyes widen a bit. BINGO!! I’ve gotten my finger in an open wound, time to twist it. He does what everyone does in this situation...deny deny deny. He tries to keep a calm tone.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, I think you do. But, I have a few pictures if you need a few visual reminders. Photographic evidence of you and sweet little Monica getting all hot and bothered on your exam table...exploring each other’s bodies when you thought no one else was watching. It would be a shame if those kind of pictures were to find their way into your wife’s hands. It would be a shame if you didn’t stop to think of YOUR family’s future.”

He sighs defeatedly.

“So, I’m guessing this is the part where you tell me this can all go away if I just keep my mouth shut. Huh?”

I now have a full fledged smile.

“Pretty much.”

He shakes his head.

“You know, eventually this is going to catch up with you, right? And, when it does, you are going to wish things had gone a lot differently. You are going to wish that someone had stood up to you and pushed back. You are going to look back on all of this as one of your biggest regrets.”


I take a moment to consider his words.

“That very well may be. I have no delusions of what the future holds for me. But, a life lived without regrets is not a life worth living. I would rather regret going too far than to regret not going far enough. Believe me, your concerns have been noticed; but, this is something I have to do.”

I smile, standing up slowly, Karsten waking as I set him down, getting dressed as the doctor taps away on the computer’s keyboard again. I’m not sure what he’s typing; but, I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to pretend to be busy right now. As i start putting my shoes on, he speaks.

“Rachel.”

I pause.

“Yes?”

He sighs

“Just...promise me you’ll take it easy...for your own sake.”

I shrug a bit, and he shakes his head again. I slide my shoes on and pick up Karsten. I begin walking to the door when he speaks again suddenly.

“Someday...you’re going to have to answer to him. He will wonder why you wasted yourself on something so trivial; and, you’re going to have to explain yourself to him.”

I stop cold on the doorway, not able to turnaround and look him in the eyes. My gaze just fixes on the wall in front of me as words escape my lips in almost a whisper.

“Someday…”

I pause for a moment, then mumble.

“I hope he’ll understand.”

I fight back tears as I step out of the doorway. I hate myself, I hate that this is who I am. It’s even harder to feel good when I look down and see Karsten smiling up at me. I take a moment to regain my composure, forcing a smile before looking down at him again.

“I bet you’re wondering how mommy knew that handsome young doctor was screwing his secretary.”

He just coos a bit as we walk through the hallways.

“Truth be told...I didn’t. But, men are all the same...easy, simple and predictable. I expect so much better from you.”

I chuckle a little as we make our way into the waiting room. I even smile as I shoot a sly wave to a confused looking Monica as we make our way out into the parking lot and off to the rest of our day.


--------------------------------

[align=center][RECORDING][/align]

The picture shakes a bit as as the camera comes to life and shows us a scene that has become quite familiar over the last few months. Rachel Frost, sitting in her favorite arm chair as she prepares to to bare her soul to the camera. There are a few moments of silence before her eye rise to meet the camera, though she doesn’t so much look into the camera; but, through it as she begins speaking slowly.

RACHEL: “For as long as I can remember, I have been labeled as one of the most underrated members of the Supreme Championship Roster. When you make a list of who you think will be the next SCW World Champion, I’m not on it. When you make a list of who you think will be the next Hall of Famer...I doubt I’m on it. But, when lists are made of who is the ‘Most Underrated’ member of the SCW roster, my name always seems to be somewhere near the top.”

She pauses for a moment, before continuing.

RACHEL: “Truth be told, I get it. Over my career, I have proved that I have what it takes to win the insane matches and to hold my own against any member of the roster. I have ALSO proven that I can choke when the bright lights are shining down on me. I was given a chance to main event a Pay Per View and win the Supreme Championship Wrestling World Heavyweight Championship...but, I fell short. I ended up getting myself disqualified in a match that I was more than capable of winning. When given the chance to earn a golden opportunity in the Trios Tournament, I came within a fingertip of claiming my opportunity only to see it snatched away from me at the very last moment. At Retribution, I once again came so close to my brush with destiny, only to be forced to watch that fake-breasted whore steal what rightfully belonged to me once again.”

A raging fire of anger burns in her eyes as she clenches her teeth.

RACHEL: “Once again we are all forced to watch as Zoey gets her millionth shot at a title she doesn’t have the skill to win again. Chance after chance after chance she has been given. And how many times has she fallen short? THis isn’t the first time we’ve seen her in this position, and I can assure you...it will not be the last. She has been spoonfed the keys to the kingdom, only to drop them down the sewer grate of her own failure and have a new set hand crafted for her.”

Rachel pauses and strikes a bit of a confused face.

RACHEL: “But, if she is nothing more than a pampered failure...what does that make me? What does that say about the secondary character who always seems to be forced into the spotlight of inferior clowns like Zoey? What does it say that I always seem to fall short of eliminating her? Will I always be forced to watch from the outside as her kind get everything she ever wants? Am I doomed to always carry the mantle of ‘Most Underrated?’”

She glances off into the distance as she whispers.

RACHEL: “Is this who I am?”

She sits in hesitation for a few moments before speaking again.

RACHEL: “No, I absolutely refuse to sit in the shadows any more. I may not have come away with a Trios Contract, but I proved that I could get farther than anyone wanted to believe I could. And while I may have watched my opportunity at Retribution slip away...I once again made it further than anyone predicted I would.”

She pauses and looks deep into the camera

RACHEL: “I have told you from the very beginning that this was it. THIS is MY TIME!!! I will win that Supreme Championship Wrestling World Championship or I will put this entire company behind me forever; and, I have no intention of going gentle into that good night. I will rage. I will fight. I will scratch and claw my way to the top of the mountain even if it means destroying myself in the process.”

Another pause. Another moment of deep hesitation.

RACHEL: “So...I am forced to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep moving forward. And this...THIS is where it all begins...one last time. This is where I make the biggest statement of my career, this is where I deny the so called upper echelon of Supreme Championship Wrestling another spoon fed dose of their own self-importance. This is the year that people like Zoey, Shilo, Kelcey, Selena and all the rest of the pampered ingrates of this company are forced to watch as I run away with the thing they wanted most. It is time the world saw me for what I truly am, not as the ‘Underrated’ flower who never really seemed to bloom. Last year, I defeated myself before this tournament even began by allowing myself to believe that I didn’t have what it took to win. This year, I defy you to find anyone in this company who wants this more than I do. I defy you to find anyone with more heart, more guts and more confidence than I have. This year, I defy you to stand in my way and tell me that I cannot win this tournament and prove once and for all that I AM the Best of the Best!!!”

There is a look of intense determination in her eyes as she seems to look through the camera to each and every one of her fellow participants.

RACHEL: “I have said since the very beginning of this all that this is all I have left. I have spent so much time trying to convince myself that I don’t care about the trappings of this industry that I never realized that I was the first to chase the brass rings Olek threw out to us. I don’t want this...I NEED it. I NEED to prove to everyone..to MYSELF that I am capable of this. I have said it before and I will say it again. THERE IS NO PLAN B!!!! This is all I have left, and if I can’t do this, I have no desire to continue any more. THIS IS MY LEGACY!!!! If any of you think you can win this tournament; you will have to come and take it from me!! For too long, you have all written me off; but, this is the moment that I rise from the ashes of my own mediocrity like a phoenix and claim my birthright!!!”

She pauses for dramatic effect.

RACHEL: “THIS is MY TIME!!! THIS is MY MOMENT!!! I...AM...the Best of the Best!!! I AM RACHEL FUCKING FOXX!!!!”

Her lips curl into a smile as she lets out a sadistic laugh, standing up and walking away as the picture remains on the empty chair for a few moments before cutting to black.
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