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Beard/Voigt vs. Manvel/Adonis; SCW Television Championship
Topic Started: Jan 5 2018, 04:25 AM (52 Views)
Team Desire
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SCW's Queen of Queens/The Goddess of Desire
[ *  *  * ]
SCW Television Championship
Beard/Voigt vs. Manvel/Adonis



2 RP Limit for singles matches; 4 RP Limit for tag team matches;
Deadline: Noon ET Tuesday, January 9, 2018
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Adrenaline Rush
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As is the norm, the thoughts and words of the characters within do not reflect my personal thoughts/opinions as their handler.













When one door closes, another door opens…

That old phrase never really seemed to hold much weight to Torsten over the years, mostly because back in his native country he’d been such a force to be reckoned with that opportunity just seemed inevitable. America, however, had been the complete opposite as time and time again he’d been passed over no matter how impressive his performances had been or how hard he worked if that was all the likes of Mr. D and SCW management could justify rewarding. And yet, in the wake of the past few weeks that old saying finally seemed to be gaining traction in the German’s mind the more he pondered it, especially considering the situation he currently found himself in.

The open invitational had been a bust, with Tosten falling well short of the final place he’d obtained the previous year in his debut, and this obviously meant the adrenaline title was beyond his reach for the time being. Sure, he’d once again been a force to be reckoned with, and Eric would later admit that he got a good laugh out of his client just flattening Ace Marshall with one right hand before any attempt to deny him entry could be made, despite being upset that he couldn’t turn around and use the lawsuit he’d been discussing with Mr. D in his office up to that point considering his client found his own loophole in. That said, Eric had surprisingly let it go once the first Breakdown of 2018 rolled around and Torsten once again mowed down Beard and proved exactly why the kid didn’t belong in SCW or wrestling period right now. After all, where the adrenaline title had eluded him, now the TV title was within his grasp, and all he had to do to get it was annihilate yet another walking joke.

It seemed too easy… and that actually didn’t sit well with the human tank.

Torsten had not only watched the TV title match from that same night back in his locker room, but he’d checked it out a few times in replays as well while he prepared for this match, never one to slack off and leave anything to chance even if the Vegas odds were so heavily in his favor betting against him seemed like a crime. The joke that Derek Adonis and Manvel had turned that match into disgusted him, especially as the fans ate it up like it was the greatest match they’d ever witnessed. The draw that finally called the charade to a close should have made it an open and shut case that Adonis was still champion and next on the chopping block for the German, but he’d been hearing whispers that Derek’s declaration that he and Manvel were now co-champions in the wake of that might be considered valid, as all signs pointed to him not knowing exactly who he was going to face anymore for the belt, assuming they didn’t just use the whole thing as an excuse to set up a handicap match against him as they only valid shot they had of halting his hunt for gold. To call Torsten infuriated by this would be the understatement of the century, because the last thing he wanted to fall victim to now that he finally seemed to be getting traction was the exact same bullshit that made him despise the way this country treated his precious sport in the first place.

In an effort to try and clear his head in order to focus on the task at hand in a few days’ time, Torsten had taken to jogging through the streets of Baltimore, a good run through harsh snowy conditions always being the remedy back in Germany during this time of year. It was always hard to lose focus when you had low temperatures attacking your flesh as you kept your body moving to both stay warm and exercise. With his eyes always making sure his path was clear and allowing him to react when it wasn’t, his worries over the TV title opportunity slowly began to fade. He knew he could do this, and no matter what SCW threw at him he’d been denied and overlooked far too often to allow it to trip him up now. He needed this championship win… the first step on the road to American wrestling domination so he could move on as the hunt for his family continued. That was worth far more than anything Derek Adonis or Manvel could justify as a reason to keep the title amongst their little group.

After jogging for quite some time, Torsten finally began to slow down in order to take a breather, not wanting to push himself too hard and risk screwing himself over even if anybody else would gladly tell him he was putting in far more effort than he needed to for this match. As he slowed to a walk and started trying to regulate his breathing in the frigid air, the big man noticed something that struck him as a bit odd as he rounded a corner. Standing in front of a house that just seemed to stick out like a sore thumb in this city was a familiar lavender-clad woman with long black hair, and while he couldn’t blame her for being out here by herself after certain events of the past few weeks, it still seemed weird to find her standing out here in the freezing snow just staring down this house. She finally broke her gaze from it when the German’s heavy footsteps graced her ears upon his approach.

Torsten: Forgive me if I’m interrupting Frau, but this doesn’t seem like the kind of weather where you should just be standing around.

Wendy: It doesn’t really bother me. Growing up in a place like Denver most of your life kind of makes you almost invincible in the cold sometimes, though Eric just uses that as an excuse to not go out in it when he’s got more than enough body fat to keep him warmer than a summer day around here.

Torsten: It was kind of the same back in the Vaterland. Weather like this toughened you up faster than anything else, and if you could not handle it then you were well-advised to consider leaving until the weather improved for your own health. Still, I can’t help but question why you’re simply standing here observing this place. Does this home mean something to you?

Wendy: I don’t know how familiar you are with American literature Torsten, but this is the house where Edgar Allan Poe lived. It’s considered a historic sight here in Baltimore considering he was one of the best writers and poets of his time. A master of the dark and macabre that lead to him being misunderstood by many. I always had a fascination with his poems and the deeper meanings behind them, especially if you could tie them back to something in his own life to piece together what kind of person he truly was. My ex-boyfriend Shawn was a huge fan of all his works, especially when he went through his short-lived ‘goth’ phase after one of our breakups.

Torsten: Sounds like this individual elicited a fair amount of mixed reactions over his work, something I can relate to unfortunately.

Wendy: I’m sure you could relate to his history of family trouble as well, even if it’s not exactly the same scenario.

These words caused the big man to raise an eyebrow at the young woman, something suddenly not sitting well in his gut. The way she said it implied that she knew something, and if it was information she was not supposed to have, this was the wrong time to be sharing this fact with him considering he was trying to save all of his pent-up frustration for Breakdown and whatever situation he’d find himself in against the so-called ‘Golden Triangle.’ Wendy slowly turned to give Torsten her undivided attention, gauging his reaction before figuring she was safe enough to continue, although she was cut off before any words could leave her mouth.

Torsten: Care to elaborate on that statement, Frau?

Wendy: I think the simplest answer would be this: I know. But something tells me that alone won’t suffice, so… I was at the restaurant where you were meeting with Amanda shortly before you and Eric headed out to Montreal for the End of the Year special. Before you start getting as paranoid as that spaz Tyler, no I wasn’t following you or anything, I just happened to be there trying to treat myself to a nice lunch while thinking a few things over myself. I was close enough to overhear everything you told her, but it was just busy enough that you never took notice of me.

Before she could go any further, her eyes went wide as the wrecking machine suddenly grabbed her by her coat with one hand and effortlessly lifted her off the ground, the act certainly terrifying her. In all the time she’d know this man since he came on board, the only time he ever seemed comfortable striking a member of the opposite sex was in the ring when he had no choice. Otherwise, he tried to be as respectful as possible to everybody so as to maintain his complete focus on doing his job between the ropes without incident. Granted, it was hard to get that when Eric Teufel was part of your life and career, but the big man somehow managed to stick to his guns despite that. This, however, made it clear she might’ve found an exception to that, and it was filling her with dread.

Torsten: That information was not meant for your ears Wendy. You have not proven yourself trustworthy to me, and despite all the signs I’ve seen of your own issues with Herr Teufel, you still continue to work with him in an effort to guide my SCW career. What’s stopping you from slipping this information to him and dooming me to a life of being under his services for as long as I remain in this sport?

Wendy: Because I don’t want to see that happen as much as you don’t want to even consider the possibility! Believe me Torsten, if I wanted to fill Eric in I would have by now and you’d already be aware that he knows. As… conflicted as I am about him right now, I know better than to simply hand over something he wants, you have to believe me on that.

Torsten pondered her words as he continued holding her up, part of him thankful that the weather was just bad enough that most people wouldn’t be crazy enough to be out and about to catch this sight. That alone was a messy situation he wanted no part of. Slowly he lowered her until her feet were back on solid ground, but his grip on her coat remained.

Torsten: I know you’re speaking the truth Frau, but I have no promise on how long that will last.

Wendy: Then give me a chance to prove to you I’m on your side here! I’ll be honest with you about something I’ve told no one else in my life, I swear!

Wendy was thankful that this seemed to be enough to get the German to relent as her coat was freed from his grasp, but he didn’t stray too far from her in case he needed to repeat the action. It was something he certainly didn’t like doing, but he couldn’t let that stop him from ensuring that his secrets remained just that from those who did not need to know that information. The lavender-clad activist took a moment to catch her breath and try to get over what just happened as Eric’s client’s gaze continued to unsettle her, though she knew he had every reason to be upset right now. She only hoped what she was about to say wouldn’t make the situation worse.

Wendy: Alright, as I said I’ve told no one else about this, mostly because I’m ashamed to admit it and part of me feels like Eric already had an idea of it, which I don’t know how to feel if that’s true. But… throughout school I pretty much kept going back and forth between two guys: Shawn, who I always thought would be the one I’d end up with as he was the star athlete of our class and his activism for animals is what helped keep me going even today with everything that I’m pursuing for women everywhere., and Tyrone, the lawyer friend to Craig and Tyler. I’ll admit to even dating Craig at one point just to spite Shawn after a nasty breakup we had, but it didn’t last long because he just didn’t seem to fully care about anything other than himself and his weird little friend. But… the more I think back on it, the more I realize none of them ever really felt right to me. Who does, however… it bothers me, it really does.

Torsten: You’ll have to forgive me Frau, but I fail to see why this information is worth my time considering what you know compared to what I now know. More information about you is nice to have, but not good enough right now.

Wendy: What about the fact that… that… I think I’m in love with Eric Teufel?

That almost seemed like a mistake to admit as in the blink of an eye, Wendy once again found herself suspended in the air as Torsten held her up by the jacket with only one arm, his glare only seeming to deepen the more he stared at her. Wendy waved her hands and was about to plead for him to listen, but he wasn’t having any of that right now.

Torsten: What part of admitting that is supposed to make me trust you with a secret I want kept away from him at all costs Frau? An admission of your feelings towards him only increases the likelihood of you sharing this with him as far as I’m concerned, and the last thing I want is to have to put up with him for any longer than I have to. When I can begin competing in a country that actually respects my talents instead of ignores me because they think I’m not ‘entertaining’ enough, I want to gladly be as far away from him as humanly possible so as not to further taint myself with his ideology.

Wendy: Because admitting that disgusts me as much as it disgusts you to hear it! How do you think I feel trying to come to terms that I may have feelings for that monster? I spent my entire life opposing him in one way or another, hating his guts because he was so extreme in his hatred for people of different race, gender, religion… everything that’s not his ideal vision! I wouldn’t be surprised if he truly was Adolf Hitler reincarnated as much as I hate to say that to you. I spent so long picking fights with him, trying to be his intellectual and ideological superior because his way of thinking is a cancer to this planet and everyone on it that I think I started to become morte like him. I started going to extreme lengths to get what I wanted just like him, part of me began to tolerate him more and shrug off what he said about me a lot easier… hell, when we were forced together for a report back in middle school I actually kissed him because for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and doing so made me sick to my stomach! How would you feel trying to come to terms with the possibility that the proverbial red string of fate is connecting you to someone so horrible that calling them true scum of the earth doesn’t do it justice!?

Torsten could only blink as his anger seemed to fade, his facial expression defaulting to its usual blank slate in the face of this. He could see the tears starting to roll down Wendy’s cheeks, which was not his intention at all, but it was clear that this revelation hurt her to admit as much as it initially made him react even more defensively about his well-guarded secret. He carefully lowered her back to the ground and released her, trying his best to give her anything that resembled a look to comfort her, but emotions hadn’t been his strong suit since he was separated from his family years ago for still unknown reasons. Wendy carefully moved to lean against the gate in front of the Poe house, trying to dry her tears before they froze to her cheeks. After a moment, she looked up in surprise as the big man had one of his massive hands resting on her shoulder as opposed to around the collar of her jacket.

Torsten: I cannot honestly say that I know what is going through your mind right now Frau. Love is one of those things I never seemed to pay attention to, mostly because I’ve always been too busy focusing on the task at hand. From what I do know, it is always more complicated than people will ever admit, especially when you can’t choose who you feel an attraction to. The fact that you were willing to admit this to me when you don’t feel you have the strength to even admit it to the bastard you have these feelings for… for now, I will trust you with what you now know about me, and I will remain quiet as well. But know that this new information does give me cause for concern, and any indication that tells me you let my secret slip to Herr Teufel is not going to go unpunished even despite what just happened. I cannot allow him to control me forever Frau… just as you need time to figure out what is truly the best path for you if happiness is what you want. I know what will truly make me happy again… and come Breakdown, I take the first step towards that on American soil, no matter what it takes.

Wendy nods as Torsten, ever the gentleman, uses the sleeve of his sweatshirt to dry her tears before they decide to return to the hotel they are all staying at. She wanted to get away from the house where someone once resided that poured all of their emotions into dark masterpieces of literature as it seemed like it had an effect on her, and Torsten simply wanted to return his focus to where it needed to be. Knowing what he knew now about Wendy, he truly felt sorry for her and the conflict she seemed to be facing deep within her heart, especially when he could at least understand where she was coming from in regards to his manager. That said, he couldn’t help but have a little hope that she would figure it out in due time, though preferably long after he’d moved on as selfish as it sounded. He still could not allow any chance for Eric to know something about him that would be more than enough blackmail to bind the two together for the rest of his career, and right now his best shot at burying the topic of him trying to pry into that matter for the foreseeable future was to do exactly what he came to SCW to do in the first place:

Become a champion.

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As we open up, it becomes hard to tell if we’re somewhere that’s familiar territory to the young business titan known as Eric Teufel or if he simply spared no expense to get this particular area for our scene. We find ourselves in a rather elaborate room that almost looks like it’s straight out of a mansion, except there’s obvious signs it’s more likely to be an executive suite of some sort at a hotel. Still, it looks fancy as hell nonetheless, especially when Eric can just kick back in a large comfy chair and read through a book by the warmth of a fireplace. Oddly enough, there’s no sign of Torsten Voigt, but that doesn’t stop Eric from starting the party seemingly without him as he closes the book he was reading, showing the camera that it’s actually a copy of Derek Adonis’ KABLAMASutra, though the look on Eric’s face makes it clear he’s just trying to act like he hadn’t just wasted god knows how long sifting through its pages.

Eric: You know, I think I see the value in this little book. The fact that it’s actually selling sounds surprising, but I suppose it’s brilliant marketing when the author behind it is apparently quite the entertaining figure. Perhaps I could even call him an inspiration to people like myself who, unfortunately, have similar body types and don’t feel like we have what it takes under the covers. Derek Adonis might actually be a genius among our generation, because using this book he’s not only managed to become a champion, but he’s amassed a cult following that consists of someone every woman drools over and a hot chick for every guy to do the same with, a Japanese wrestler more obsessed with karaoke than trying to actually become world champion when he inexplicably got that honor through a fan vote and the new adrenaline champion who survived that god awful joke of an invitational match to close out 2017 despite the fact that he’s such a mental trainwreck he’s apparently going to marry the damn title on this upcoming Breakdown. The success of this little group is rather startling to be honest, but perhaps that’s because we were all too busy laughing at them instead of realizing…

It’s at this point that Eric can no longer keep a straight face as he bursts out into laughter, his body rocking back and forth and almost threatening to send the chair flying over with the way he’s throwing his weight around. It’s the kind of laugh that haunts your dreams, the true calling card of an evil genius as he slowly tries to collect himself and shift gears to what he truly wants to say right now.

Eric: I’m sorry, I tried my best but as great an actor as I’m capable of being, even I can’t be too serious about this for very long. I mean, seriously SCW, how in the hell is this rag tag little group in the position they’re in? They hold two championships now and one among them got voted into a freaking world title match, completely ignoring the fact that collectively their talent and IQ levels don’t even put them anywhere on the chart doctors use to define ‘special needs’ levels. This joke has become more successful than Adrenaline Rush in a much shorter time period, and the fact that Adonis actually drove Stacy out of SCW would be hilarious to me under any other circumstances. I think you guys in management have truly outdone yourselves with this one, and I have to applaud you for making these guys so successful by shoving them down everyone’s throats week in and week out so they can promote something you can push as a best-selling item and boost the company’s merchandise sales. It’s truly marketing 101 at its finest, but as a businessman myself I have to warn you that you might’ve overlooked one small little detail:

When you’re trying to heavily push a product, you have to do everything in your power to protect the face that’s promoting it.

This is where you guys screwed up last week on Breakdown, because you were so busy planning ahead as to what the next set of Golden Triangle merchandise is going to be that you opened the door for someone to barge right in and threaten what you’ve tried to put on a pedestal. See, I just said that under any other circumstances, Adonis and his merry little band of sex-obsessed misfits surpassing my longtime ‘friends’ and driving the wife of one of them out of the company would have made me start laughing my ass off again. Unfortunately, this particular circumstance means that in such a short time span, you gave these talentless jokers a championship opportunity before my client, a man who spent an entire year busting his ass and trying to play ball just the way you wanted him to only for him to be slapped in the face time and time again by being overlooked. You give a washed-up wannabe deity and his slut a tag title opportunity, you give so many undeserving names a chance to fight for world title rankings only for the entire system to be rendered useless in one fell swoop, you give these clowns TV title chances all in a row… this is just a small taste of what my client and I have had to put up with over the course of our first full year with this company, and in that time this man has pushed your main eventers to their breaking point time and time again and been awarded with absolutely nothing up until last week. Was shoving this pathetic excuse for a book into people’s hands to make a profit really more important than someone who’s been deserving of taking that next step up for far too long now?


This is where Eric’s disgust begins to boil over as he throws the book into the fireplace, slowly taking comfort in watching the pages burn. To him, it seems to symbolize all the injustices of SCW and their management’s decision-making abilities when they constantly put his client down to make way for endless opportunities for his bitter enemies or people who don’t even belong in a wrestling ring, one of the few things manager and client can agree on even through their clashing ideologies at times. It’s at this point that Eric slowly turns his gaze to the towering figure that enters the scene, the proud German warrior allowing the flames to illuminate him as he just emotionlessly watches the pride and joy of his upcoming opponent be reduced to ashes. His eyes slowly narrow into a glare as he turns to face the camera now, Eric allowing his titan to take over.

Torsten: I suppose this is the part where you all expect me to be grateful. After all, in the span of two weeks I find myself on the receiving end of two championship opportunities when Herr Teufel and I have expressed our annoyance with being overlooked time and time again. I should be grateful that SCW finally realized what kind of threat I am and decided to test the waters of putting me in a championship environment. I should be… but instead, I feel insulted. I stand here feeling insulted that to get my first legitimate title opportunity not counting Rise to Greatness and defending a title that wasn’t even mine to begin with, I had to enter a modified version of the match where I debuted and work around the asinine stipulations set forth by Herr Marshall and a trios contract that he did not deserve, especially if that was his endgame for it. I stand here wondering why it took an entire calendar year before I was finally given a chance after busting my ass for so long when others doing the exact same received more than generous amounts of opportunities. Why was it that when it was finally my turn to earn a TV title shot I was pitted against someone who I made it clear time and time again never belongs in a wrestling ring period? Why does the TV title match itself present that exact same scenario to me?

If what I’ve constantly done to the likes of Donovan Kayl over the past few weeks is any indication, I think it’s clear by now that I’m not here to entertain or indulge in whatever games you want to play. I’m here to compete, and I’m here to become a champion.

I know my questions will never be answered, and I suppose I should at least thank somebody for finally realizing how long I’ve been overlooked. At least they picked the perfect time to give me my shot, because it’s become painfully clear that the TV title has become nothing more than a joke in the closing moments of 2017. Allowing a member of Adrenaline Rush to hold that title was bad enough, but the seeing her lose it to someone whose very existence makes me question how he hasn’t died of a heart attack yet made me lose what little hope I still had that someone in SCW at least respected what the concept of wrestling is supposed to represent. As much as I despise their overall attitudes and approaches, at least the likes of Ace Marshall and Ravyn Taylor were former world champions. Am I supposed to stand here and simply accept that a man like Derek Adonis is on the same level as they are?

But Adonis alone isn’t the issue, now is it? Since we’re on the subject of trying to make me play games to see how many hoops you can make me jump through until I finally snap someone’s neck to put an end to it, how can I forget that I may not be opposing this self-professed ‘ladies man’ come Breakdown here in Baltimore? For those of you who missed last week’s show, you would know that in addition to Beard getting broken in half by my hands for the umptenth time, Adonis and his good friend Manvel ‘wrestled’ for the TV title to a draw. Naturally, this keeps the belt in Derek’s undeserving hands, but later on he made the declaration that the draw should mean he and Manvel are now co-champions. I wouldn’t care for such a ridiculous declaration if it wasn’t for the fact that thus far, I have seen no sign that SCW is going to ignore such a request. Even as I stand here now, we have no confirmation that Adonis is my actual opponent come Breakdown, and for all I know I could be about to walk into a handicap match to finally secure my first piece of championship gold.

I’m going to make this very clear to the both of you and your little group as well: it doesn’t matter to me if I have to drive every last one of you into the mat and pile up your bodies like the end result of a demolition derby. I will not stand for another second of you tainting the TV title with the blatant disrespect you have shown not only to me, but to every single member of the SCW locker room and to every wrestler across the globe. In your hands, that title represents nothing more than a tool to market a product that doesn’t deserve to be on the shelves, much less in people’s hands. To someone like me, that title represents a long overdue step forward to a much bigger goal, one that all of you could only dream of understanding. I have waited far too long and I refuse to be told to go to the back of the line again. I am going to leave Baltimore with the TV title belt, even if it means ending the careers of every single member of the so-called Golden Triangle to do so. Playtime’s over… and if you can’t keep up with a true war machine, then don’t be surprised when blood and bones are all that are left of you in my wake.


This is when Torsten takes his leave from the scene as Eric can’t help but let out a low whistle, actually being impressed by what his client had to say. He may not know what’s truly driving the German, but Eric doesn’t care as long as he finally secures championship gold at long last. The very thought of leading his client to the top of a mountain finally allows him to kick back and relax, basking in the warm glow of the fireplace as our scene slowly fades out.
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Derek Adonis
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Voice: “Okay, Derek… tell me what happened next…”

As our scene rises up, we can see Derek Adonis, the BRAND NEW SCW Television Champi… er… the BRAND NEW SCW Champion of Television… as he lays back across a therapy sofa. His Doctor, a female (of course) appears relatively unassuming at first. Derek didn’t pay attention to her physical attributes, not with the visions that had been swirling in his head ever since a few weeks ago, when he went to sleep and somehow woke up married to Cookie Dreams. On one hand, it was everything he could have ever possibly wanted – a hot trophy wife, someone he could drag around on his arm, someone who would laugh at his jokes, and make him feel like the most virile man alive.

Someone who wouldn’t sober up and go for an annulment.

Adonis: “When I realized that Cookie was also wearing a wedding ring like mine, I breathed a sigh of relief. I mean, I don’t know if you’d seen pictures of her, but she is probably the most polar opposite of the word “Uggo”.”

Doctor: “And how did she take it?”

Adonis: “She was cool with it.”

Derek pauses to ponder his response – after having blurted it out. A few sparks connect in his brain…

Adonis: “I think.”

Doctor: “You “think”?”

Adonis: “Well, I was just so relieved to have not married an uggo that I didn’t really put any more thought into it.”

Doctor: “When you asked her what she thought, what did she say?”

Derek pauses again, this time pondering his answer BEFORE delivering it.

Adonis: “I don’t know.”

Doctor: “You didn’t listen to your new wife’s answer?”

Adonis: “I didn’t exactly… you know… ask.”

Doctor: “… What?”

The doctor drops any guise of professionalism, her face aghast. Here her client – who she thought would be dealing with a sex addiction issue – just admitted to not communicating with his new trophy wife.

Adonis: “Well, Cookie and me never really had that kind of relationship, you know? We’d been co-workers… worked on the KABLAMasutra in a rather hands-on manner IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…”

Doctor: “I don’t, but please don’t explain.”

Adonis: “But we had never really been CONFIDANTES in one another.”

Doctor: “Well… this is most troubling.”

Derek struggles a bit on his back, trying to roll over and get a look at the doctor. It is now that he first catches a bit of shine off of her leg, which had peaked through the slit in her business skirt. Derek’s attention is mesmerized.

Doctor: “Derek, in the times you’ve come here before, you told me that you were married three times before this new one.”

Derek: “Four.”

Doctor: “You told me three. You had always said three.”

Derek: “I kept forgetting one.”

The doctor sighs, writing into Derek’s file.

Doctor: “Okay… four times prior, meaning Cookie is number five.”

Derek: “Uh huh.”

Doctor: “And do you have any children?”

Derek, still not really paying attention, gives the answer he thinks is most appropriate.

Derek: “I don’t know.”

Doctor: “You don’t know if you have any children after four failed marriages?”

Derek: “America’s a big country. I’ve sown my oats from coast to coast IF YOU KNOW WH-“

The doctor cuts him off.

Doctor: “I know what you mean. Please don’t finish that sentence.”

Derek: “Sorry.”

Doctor: “Derek… why do you think you’re here?”

Derek: “Because I keep getting married.”

Doctor: “Is that really it? Or…”

Derek: “That’s it.”

Doctor: “Or…”

Derek: “Definitely that.”

Doctor: “Derek, for the love of GOD let me finish!”

Derek: “Sorry.”

Doctor: “Or is it that, after four failed marriages, you really want this one to work out?”

Derek appears almost offended by the implication.

Derek: “I wanted all of my marriages to work out!”

Doctor: “And what got in the way of that?”

Derek: “Well, the first two regretted it the morning after. They certainly were willing in front of the alter IF YOU KNOW WHAT I M-“

Doctor: “I swear to God, I will end this session right now if you keep saying that.”

Derek: “Er… right. The third one was going pretty good, then she thought I was hitting on her sister and got all sensitive and left me.”

Doctor: “Okay… and why would she think you were hitting on her sister?”

Derek: I have no idea! Just because I asked her sister if she wanted to KABLAM with me.”

Doctor: “Ah.”

The doctor shakes her head, but writes it down anyway.

Doctor: “And number four?”

Derek: “Oh, I ended that one.”

The doctor sits in stunned silence, not believing what she just heard.

Doctor: “… What!?”

Derek: “She was the best… had a bangin’ body… would let me KABLAM all I want, and not only with her! Half of the Derek Adonis List of Conquests TM came while I was married to her. She was everything I ever wanted.”

Doctor: “And you let her go?”

Derek: “She tried to get into my will and defraud me. Ended up getting arrested for it. Daddy has some very specific plans for that fortune.”

Doctor: “That makes sense.”

Derek: “Really?”

Doctor: “No. You’re a buffoon.”

Derek: “That’s what numbers one to three said.”

The doctor shakes her head, setting her notepad aside as she straightens up in her chair.

Doctor: “Derek, do you know what your problem is?”

Derek: “I do. I care too much.”

Doctor: “No… you’re afraid of bad news.”

Derek tilts his head as if he were some puppy hearing an order he didn’t comprehend. In honesty, Derek didn’t understand what the doctor had meant when she said that. He was truly lost.

Doctor: “You let your first two wives walk away because you were afraid of confronting them. Your third left because you panicked and hit on her sister, and you let her walk away. You had your fourth wife arrested…”

Derek: “Actually, that was Jeffrey who got her arrested.”

Doctor: “You didn’t even stand up to a woman who intended on defrauding you. And now you’re not willing to talk to Cookie about your marriage. Derek… what do you really want? Are you just afraid of dying alone or disappointing someone that you aren’t willing to stand up for yourself and have hard conversations?”

Derek: “Hard conversations are just so…”

He looks for a word…

Derek: “…difficult.”

Doctor: “You didn’t come here for easy answers, did you?”

Finally, Derek feels like the doctor is understanding him.

Derek: “Yes! Finally… what are the easy answers?”

Doctor: “There… there aren’t any.”

Derek: “Oh… phooey!”

Doctor: “You’re just going to have to be honest with this Cookie and tell her exactly what you want.”

Derek: “What if she wants to leave me?”

Derek appears possibly the most sympathetic he’s ever appeared – the idea of being left behind really getting to him.

Doctor: “Why would she leave you?”

Derek: “Because she likes Manvel more.”

Doctor: “I don’t know if that’s tr-“

Derek: “And because I want to keep having sexual relationships with other women while having her… maybe even getting her out for the tricycle…”

Doctor: Okay, gross…”

Derek: “And because I want to have her around as a trophy wife to make me look like a big shot.”

Doctor: “Derek… you’re 40 years old.”

Derek: “… and?”

Doctor: “And you have the mentality of a high schooler.”

Derek takes that as a compliment.

Derek: “I AM pretty youthful, aren’t I?”

Doctor: “That’s not what I meant.”

Derek: “Oh.”

Doctor: “If you want to make things work, you have to work for it. No one is going to make your marriage work for you.”

Derek: “I think I can make it work…”

Doctor: “Good. I want you to…”

Derek: “IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

The doctor stares blankly at Adonis. Shaking her head, she rises to her feet.

Doctor: “We’re done here.”

She exits the room, leaving Derek alone on the couch. Derek smiles.

Derek: “I think she likes me.”

The scene shifts…

-----

“I, Derek Adonis, am YOUR CHAMPION of TELEVISION!

Oooh… I STILL get chills saying that. Last month, when I defeated Stacy Kissinger to win the Championship of Television, I defied all of the odds! NO ONE expected Derek Adonis, the Master of the KABLAMASUTRA, to become a Champion in SCW! No one saw the day where I would rise above the doubters and the haters and earn my place in the record books! And now that I’m there, no one will ever be able to take that away from me! Forever and ever and ever and ever, the anals… annals?... of SCW history will have MY NAME listed under Champions of Television!

KABLAM!

I know that I could never have gotten to this point in my career without the guiding hand of a few people – Manvel, my best friend and co-Champion of Television, has pushed me every day of my career to be the most Kablammy I can be, and I have followed that pushing each and every day. Cookie… sweet, succulent Cookie… inspires me in many, MANY unspeakable ways. DyHowey and EyeYoshi, the best damned disciples of the KABLAMASUTRA I’ve ever had. I wear this belt around my private loft – often pantless – for each and every one of them, and for each and every one of YOU who believed in me and cheered for me even when the uggos told you that you shouldn’t. Even when they said I was “devaluing the title” by carrying it. Well, if wearing a belt at all times that hangs approximately half an inch from my genitals is “devaluing the belt” then YOU’RE devaluing it.

Where was I? Right…

As YOUR CHAMPION of TELEVISION… oooh… I have been in intense conversations to bring my life story to Television. I have also continued negotiations to carry the success of the KABLAMASUTRA, which has already translated from the page to the big screen, over to the small screen starring yours truly! Yes, it is a good time to be Man Mountain, and those good times are going to continue to roll. And that means that Torsten Voigt… what kind of name is “Torsten”?... is going to be the next unfortunate person to see the light and bask in the glory of the KABLAMASUTRA! Sure… I heard what he had to say. But do you know what I think? I think that Toasty has a stick wedged up his derriere so deep, that it forces him to walk around as this angry big man. I mean, the time of angry big men is so passé. Remember Blitzkrieg? What a snooze fest! Toasty would do very well to take a page out of the KABLAMASUTRA, if you know what I mean, and lighten up. Maybe instead of being so German-kill-botty, he could wear parachute pants and an umbrella hat! At least turn some of that Aryan-ness into what it was meant for: Being a hit with the ladies! No, I think Eric Tinfoil has Toasty on the wrong path. He’s trying to make him a monster, but deep inside, I can see that he’s yearning to be FREE…

Well, Toasty, this is your chance. You don’t HAVE to beat me up. You don’t HAVE to be the CHAMPION of TELEVISION to be truly happy. You just need to give in to the POWAH… of the KABLAMASUTRA! Look at what it’s done for EyeYoshi… he wasn’t voted for the World Title match at the End of Year special because of his wrestling pedigree. Look at DyHowey… he’s FINALLY been truly united with Addy, and the two of them will be VERY happy together for a long time, especially after Man Mountain marries them together.

And, most of all, look at me… Man Mountain… the Ladies Man’s Man. You said it yourself – no one took me seriously. And maybe no one does still. But that doesn’t matter, because before the KABLAMASUTRA, I was a l… a l-l-l… *ahem*… a loser. Since the KABLAMASUTRA… I’m UN-DE-FEA-TED! And with the POWAH of the KABLAMASUTRA behind me… I will remain YOUR CHAMPION of TELEVISION!!

Oooh…

KABLAM!!”

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