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2018 Anzac Cup Winners : BETTER THAN SEX /with Vile vince Viper & Spike Nelson

S.W.A.T. International Champion: "Industrial Man" Attila Balan

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2017 "of the Years"

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Don't Believe the HYPE; 12/26/17 New Years Nightmare edition
Topic Started: Dec 12 2017, 01:48 AM (87 Views)
TripleV
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Pres4Life

SWAT (backyard)

Presents

New Years Nightmare!!!
Dec 26 2017
PPV from the MGM Grand Garden Arena!

Stretcher Match
Vile Vince Viper vs "The Hillbilly Assassin" James Fierce

SWAT Ultimate Title Match
Sirius Man <c> vs. ASTAROTH

SWAT TWIN S.T.A.R. Titles
Funny Business <c> vs The Arizona Assassins Guild

Double Debut!
Anonymoose vs. Cooper Cordial

*Card Subject to Change
Edited by TripleV, Dec 14 2017, 12:46 PM.
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TripleV
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Pres4Life

"The only good snake is a dead snake."

[O Fortuna from Carl Orff's Carmina Burana starts to play.]

ANNOUNCER: A fiendish attack led to a heroic sacrifice...

[STOCK FOOTAGE. Bootlegged using keepvid off Youtube because Stefan Slain wouldn't grant the rights. Vile "Vince" Viper performing his Capcom shilling YOGA FIRE, only to have James Fierce push Soutter out of the way.]

ANNOUNCER: Burns over the majority of his body, the hillbilly assassin looked worse than his cousin Otis when that moonshine still exploded.

[STOCK FOOTAGE. That bandaged up image from the end of The Tenant that I’m sure I used in the VVV memorial cup before Soutter put it in that sick promo. The Hillbilly Assassin had seen worse days. Again the audio bite of "The only good snake is a dead snake" plays.]

ANNOUNCER: With one thing driving him to leave death's door, James Fierce would make a dramatic recovery in his quest for revenge.

[STOCK FOOTAGE. Viper's stretcher being pushed over and the old man landing on his keys. An audio clip of the Wilhelm scream plays to show how pain Vile was, its been slowed down to seem even more inhuman. Freezing on a frame of Viper in the middle of shouting motherfucker as gym locker key starts to drive up into his fleshy buttock is shown. We pull in for a tighter shot of the keys driving in. Then another. Then another.]

ANNOUNCER: With all great revenge, the circle can never come to a close, the stakes can only grow higher...

[Split screen. James Fierce burnt to a crisp and Vile Vince Viper looking angrily at his car keys.]

ANNOUNCER: On December 27th, 2017 get ready for the next chapter in bloody retaliation...

[Stock footage from different matches is intercut to make it look like the two men running together. There is also some stock footage of a redneck cutting a snakes head off with a shovel, and a boa constrictor eating a filthy hick. As the two men are about to come to blows the screen flashes red.]

ANNOUNCER: NEW YEARS NIGHTMARE! Remember if your local cable providers offer two shows called New Years Nightmare on the same date, go with the show where the king of snakes takes on the coolest member of the KGB, instead of the tired old one!

[Burn.]

[Fierce. Burn.]
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thehillbillyassassin
Your Prophet of Yorlik

[The following promo was filmed in an undisclosed location, just due east of Places Unknown. The actor was not harmed significantly in the filming of the promo, just flesh wounds that occurred during the contract negotiations.]

Ryan Reynolds: *Cough* The following is a letter from The Hillbilly Assassin James Fierce to one Vile Vince Viper… Couldn’t you have just mailed this?

James Fierce off screen: No, Deadpool, no. It’s better like this.

Ryan Reynolds: But I’m not Deadpool… I play Deadpool.

James Fierce off screen: That’s exactly what Deadpool would say. Keep breaking that fourth wall you beautiful fucker you.

Ryan Reynolds: Buuut…

James Fierce off screen: Such sass. I thought the Marcus White Promo Marathon fixed that shit.

Ryan Reynolds: Please god, no, no, not again. My eyes still hurt….

James Fierce off screen: Duct tape will do that. You’ll keep your eyes open next time wontcha?

Ryan Reynolds: Yes sir, but wouldn’t you reading this… this letter be better?

James Fierce off screen: God damnit boy, if the next thing you say ain’t my words from that letter stapled on your hands, I swear to Yorlik I’m gonna make sure Marcus is the next person you see, comprehend Deadpool?

Ryan Reynolds: *Cough* A love letter to the Vile Vince Viper, from The Hillbilly Assassin James Fierce…

James Fierce off screen: More Deadpool and less whatever that shit was.

Ryan Reynolds: Dearest Vince, I fucking hate you, but you knew that already, didn’t you? I mean you did do significant damage to my glorious beard. Many goats were sacrificed at the Alter of Yorlik to achieve such thick and lusciousness that only mere mortals dream of achieving, and you burnt it!

James Fierce off screen: Say it with anger! Did you see the exclamation point!

Ryan Reynolds: I…I…you BURNT IT! You deserve seven deaths or a best of seven series with the house of love in a Marcus on a pool match. But this didn’t have to be like this, did it? Sure you hate SWAT. I understand I suppose. It did go through the whole southerny eye rolling phase.

James Fierce off screen: Roll you eyes, damnit! Read the margins Deadpool!

Ryan Reynolds: My eyes can’t roll. Please god…

James Fierce off screen: That’s Yorlik….

Ryan Reynolds: Please Yorlik, no more, I just can’t.

James Fierce off screen: Read Deadpool…

Ryan Reynolds: I… I… I can’t.

James Fierce off screen: You can, I believe in you Deadpool. Spiderman did it last week.

Ryan Reynolds: Tom?

James Fierce off screen: God damn no, there ain’t been a spiderman since Toby McGuire, may he RIP.

Ryan Reynolds: Toby ain’t dead…

James Fierce off screen: You’ve seen him lately?

Ryan Reynolds: We’ve could’ve been friends, you and I Vinnie. I’m going to call you Vinnie. Our personalities are similar. You’re a leader of a ragtime band of Fop, Foppish, Foppling, Fop-doodlers. I’m a leader of the fastest growing international non-religious religion. You like running a muck, I’m a freaking true born bandit. Just robbed a train last week up in Siberia. Good Times.

James Fierce off screen: More passion Deadpool.

Ryan Reynolds: My name is… sigh Deadpool.

James Fierce off screen: See there, now finish.

Ryan Reynolds: We could’ve done great things together. Robbed a liquor store only to start a turf war with Liquor World. Take all the green M and M’s out of Kilroy’s stash. Break Karnage’s neck. Let Phoenix on fire for pure irony’s sake. But no. You set Me on fire. That’s freaking messed up on sooo many levels. Who does that? Snakes do that. And I’m worried that you whole speech thing isn’t a work. You ever seen a speech pathologist? They can do amazing things. Maybe you needed your tongue clipped. I can do that. Shit, I’ll do it for free. How fucking bloody can it be? Anyways, my hate didn’t have to be, but alas you got my attention. So ya ninnyhammer, I’m gonna get my pound or three of flesh. Then we can be buds. I can picture it now: SWAT:Backyard a legit promotion! Your outlaw status revoked for legitimacy with me at the helm and you running my errands and committing devious shenanigans together. Sure, Suit will want his pound of flesh… and HE WILL Get his pound of flesh, but after all that… We’ll be good to go.

Sincerely,
Your future Best Bud,
James “Don’t you dare call me Jim” Fierce

James Fierce Off screen: Now this time say it with passion.

Ryan Reynolds: Please… Don’t kill me.

[The scene ends to something.]
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TripleV
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Pres4Life

[Two can play at that game.]

Vile "Vince" Viper Off camera: READ THE LETTER!

[...Puppet Adrian Tanner lies in a heap on a chair. There is a letter next to the puppet with some rather choice words for James Fierce. I read it. Very choice. Would probably make Fierce cry. Certainly make him pretend he had something in his eye. Fortunately for Jimmy's ego, Viper decided the only person he could get to read his words with a voice as wooden as Ryan Reynolds was the puppet. ...And PAT is proving to be a little too wooden.]

Vile "Vince" Viper <leaning into frame to poke the puppet>: READ IT or its back in the wood chipper for you!

Puppet Adrian Tanner: .............

Vile "Vince" Viper: Not moving in the ssslightessst... its like I'm trying to run a criminal empire with Jamesss Fierce'sss mother cousssin.

LEFT Tentacle: Its now or never...

Sirius Man: Never!

[The camera pans around to find that behind TripleV, LEFT Tentacle is trying to drag SWAT Ultimate Champion Sirius Man over to have a conversation with their boss. Sirius Man is terrified of the elderly albino, and kicks LEFT in the area that would be the shin a couple of times in his efforts to escape.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Boysssssssssssss...

LEFT Tentacle: I told Sirius that you knew his win was an accident and all the referees and staff responsible seem to have mysteriously gone missing, so we could just forget it never happened.

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...If only it could be so easssy...

[Realizing he's as good as dead, Sirius Man breaks free, making another run for it. Glued to LEFT Tentacle's suction cup, the effort just spins them both around with Sirius running right into the Devil of SWAT.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: No need to run Sssiriusss, I'm on camera threatening you far too much for you to mysteriously vanish. Besides, you're an investment. The only scenario in which I could lose to you, the one where I was at another event, transpired. You shouldn't be faulted for the KGB being unprofessional ssscum. No. In fact, I'm going to do my best to see that you have a memorable Ultimate Title run. I even brought in a ringer for your first title defence...

[Sirius Man is still shaking in terror waiting for the other shoe to drop.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: You remember Astaroth from the IGA? Tag specialist, worked with Moloch, but foremost a scary monssster?

LEFT Tentacle: He was amazing! At least TWICE your size Sirius!

Vile "Vince" Viper: At the height of my Capcom sponsorship deal I used to give him a REALLY hard time about being a Soul Caliber character. That pissed him off to no end. Eventually he had to change his name to Alex Shor. His partner became Malcolm Reynoldsss to stop the bullying. Of course, I just started going off on Firefly riffsss...

Sirius Man & LEFT Tentacle: Naturally.

Vile "Vince" Viper: Not sure if Moloch is still alive. With SSSWAT basically a North America regional at this point, I figured it would do you good to get a title defenssse against an international star. He's going to treat you like a rag doll, but he's a professional, so this ISSSN'T revenge.

Sirius Man: ...t...thank you.

Vile "Vince" Viper <fake smile>: What are friends for? Oh, but I insisted that Alex suit up with his Astaroth gear... and being a heck of a kidder, I had the girls in wardrobe pull together a version of the Sssoul Caliber character's garb. I likes my ribs. When he gets it, he is going to want to rip off someone's head and shit down their throat... JUST LIKE THE ASTAROTH FROM SSSOUL CALIBER II. ...So just a heads up, or off.

[The Backyard founder pats Sirius Man on the arm, just as the dog faced luchador passes out. Shaking his head in disgust, 32theV turns back to the inanimate object in the middle of the set.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Now READ THAT GOD DAMNED LETTER!!!

[FADE.]
Edited by TripleV, Dec 14 2017, 12:41 PM.
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IndustrialMan
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Champion of Industry

{{Meanwhile at Luchian Inc. corporate headquarters, Anonymoose runs Beelzebozo a fax, interrupting his heavyweight title training session with THE Industrial MAN.}}

BF: It looks like at New Year’s Nightmare Funny Business is defending against the Arizona Assassins Guild!

AB: You already have a match at New Year’s Nightmare, Buster!

BF: The other one. Same night.

AB: Buster you already proved at Helloween Cup that you can take on anything that SWAT can throw at you over multiple matches in a night, but this is a heavyweight title shot. Perhaps it would be prudent to forgo this tag title defence of belts we do not want and focus on Psychotic Goth?

BF: Focus on Psychotic Goth? That’s funny. Which of us is suppose to be the clown? Arizona Assassins Guild, it’s hunting season!

{{Balan drops a frustrated head into his palm, the resulting clang of the two pieces of metal leaves a shocking enough noise to startle the cameraman who trips into black.}}
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TripleV
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Pres4Life

[Meanwhile in Arizona...]

[We zoom into the headquarters of the Arizona's Assassins Guild...]

[...the new location next to the walmart.]

[Arizona Assassin #834 - there aren't many other work opportunities in Arizona - is WALKING!!! ...when Arizona Assassin #E7 runs up to him.]

AAE7: We've got your next job...

[Arizona Assassin #834 holds up a picture of "The Industrial Man" Attila Balan testing out the wings he installed in his back.]

Arizona Assassin #E7: Apparently our client stands to inherit a circus, so no funny business...

[AA #834 puts the photo in the breast pocket of his Arizona cardinals jacket. As our scene fades to black I hope you viewers remember to tune into New Years Nightmare on PPV, the good one, not the one where VVV destroys Soutter.]

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IndustrialMan
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Champion of Industry

{{The Industrial Man shakes his head at Bobbi, before picking up his phone. Who do you think is his #1 on speed dial?}}

AB: Hello, Buster?

{{Split screen: Anonymoose picks up the big red bat phone in the menagerie's booking office.}}

Anonymoose: Hi Mr. Balan! You'll never guess what happened - Santa sent my Mother a pair of those X-ray glasses!

AB: That was nice of him, can I speak to Buster please?

Anonymoose: Then I realized that I'm an adult moose and don't believe in Santa...

AB: I'm just glad she enjoyed...

Anonymoose: Man was I an idiot - thinking Santa was make believe, can you imagine how many years I missed out on gifts for being Anonaughty moose?

AB: Is Buster there?

Beelzebozo: What?

{{The party line continues into a three way split screen, with Buster lying in bed unable to move after his last fierce workout with I-man. Fucking Rocky IV montages.}}

AB: My assistant Bobbi was watching some youtube videos, and came across one that made it look like you had hired the Arizona Assassin's Guild to kill me.

Beelzebozo: I have no memory of doing that...but honestly, I have done worse when I was black out drunk.

AB: I told her there must have been a mistake...

Beelzebozo: it might be. I wouldn't put money on it one way or another.

AB: Well if you did, that is hilarious Buster - best christmas present yet - but for future reference I would rather run my diagnostics against the Hillbilly Assassins Guild.

Anonymoose: Well don't worry about it Mr. Balan, I know that the Boss will save you from them at New Year's Nightmare! You two will definitely hang onto those tag belts!

AB: We are not defending those belts, and Buster certainly isn't appearing at that Backyard show, he has a title fight to prepare for...

Anonymoose: ...but I've already booked six shows for the menagerie that morning...

AB: Then you will have to cancel them, Buster needs to focus...

Beelzebozo: zzzzzZzzzz

AB: BUSTER!

Beelzebozo: Snort...z...a...I'm here... I'm Here... I'm awake....

AB: Buster this is the hot yoga portion of your schedule for the day...

Beelzebozo: .......................I'm having a hard time hearing you pal, I think there must be dirty power, or something wrong with the line. You in Philly?

Anonymoose: He said you should be doing hot yoga now.

Beelzebozo: God damn it.

AB: Thanks for the Assassins, I can take care of them without showing up for Vincent's backyard promotion.

{{.........}}

"F E A R

G U E S T

A P P E A R A N C E S

I N

S W A T

B A C K Y A R D "
Edited by IndustrialMan, Dec 29 2017, 02:02 AM.
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TripleV
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Pres4Life

"WE WANT TO KILL EVERYONE...
SATAN IS GOOD, SATAN IS OUR PAL"


[Figures shrouded in black robes chant just outside a pentagram made out of candles, one of them pulls out a baby to sacrifice to their dark lord.]

[Then the lights turn on.]

[Entering through the front door, Sirius Man drops his keys to discover that the one bedroom apartment he shares with half the SWAT regular army is looking a little messier than usual. Littered with some sort of satanic cult. A goat walks from the kitchen to the bedroom.]

Sirius Man: ...I'm sorry I think you have the wrong apartment...

Satanist #1: Its us Dawg!

[The main hooded figure pull back his hood to reveal the giant purple costume of LEFT Tentacle. Likewise the satanist holding the baby for sacrifice is revealed to be the Hardcore Hero. The one filming the proceedings with his phone is probably Foster's Beer Man, who plans to use the footage later if you know what I mean. ...I'm so sorry if you know what I mean.]

LEFT Tentacle (Satanist #1): How was your day Sirius?

Sirius Man <shutter>: Vile had me detail Ace Scorpio's car in an effort to get another ACW employee to help him in the street fight. I think he's getting desperate. <double take> FORGET ABOUT THAT, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

LEFT Tentacle: Well I was watching some old IGA DVDs with my mentor Jonathan, he's trying to teach me how to do a sunset flip.

Sirius Man <pointing>: I'm more interested in the floor being covered in chicken blood and the human sacrifice going on in our living room. It's my weekend to clean!

LEFT Tentacle: Oh right... so we saw Astaroth in action. He's REALLY good. Like SCARY good... and kind of hits hard even when he's not pissed off.

[Reaching into his right coat pocket, Sirius Man pulls out his trusty bottle of pepto bismol - he's gotten through more Backyard shows chugging that pink shit.]

LEFT Tentacle: Jonathan was pretty sure he was going to put you in traction. He's usually pretty accurate about these things.

[Seeing his whole life flash before his eyes, the SWAT Ultimate Champion staggers backwards, barely catching his balance by grabbing an upside down crucifix. How many nails did they put in the wall to hold it up? There goes the deposit.]

Sirius Man: He's that good?

LEFT Tentacle: He's the BEST! I totally have a non-sexual totally masculine crush on Astaroth. He's dreamy... like a nightmare. He's going to tear you apart worse than we're going to do to that goat we caught for dinner.

Sirius Man: I... I'd like to say it was nice knowing all of you, but then you used the microwave to whip up what smells like eye of newt mixed with durian. <looking towards the kitchen> You didn't use the good pots did you? I guess I'll see you all in... I guess you've decided on hell...

LEFT Tentacle: Don't worry! Jonathan isn't the best mentor in the world for nothing! I explained that you were a friend, and he totally came up with a way for you to survive. Tell him Jonathan!

[...]

[...The satanists still wearing hoods don't volunteer any answers. If one of them is "The Bigamist" Jonathan Smith, he isn't letting on.]

LEFT Tentacle <smiling back at Sirius>: He's a little camera shy - always worried that one of his wives will see him on TV.

[Yup.]

LEFT Tentacle: Well Jonathan was saying that since Astaroth seems to be a video game tribute to the lord of darkness, either tracking down my old gamecube or performing a black mass could summon Astaroth here. If we do it during your match, there is NO WAY he can get back to the arena in time; and you'll win by default!

Sirius Man: ...That could... that could work?

LEFT Tentacle: DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! DEEEEFAULT!

[The Satanists start to chant default, only it quickly turns back into: "We want to kill everyone, satan is good, satan is our pal."]

Sirius Man: But wait, where did you get the baby?

LEFT Tentacle: Its just another one of the boys!

Hardcore Hero: Yeah! Wait... what?

[The baby spins around to reveal the ugly face of JUNIOR the mutant killer baby from It's Alive! Before Hero can react with his ceremonial dagger, the vicious birth defect digs its razor sharp teeth into his arm. If the blood on the floor was just corn syrup for mood lighting, its real blood now. Your Hardcore Hero staggers backwards into Foster's Beer Man causing him to drop his phone and lose the footage he was DEFINITELY going to upload to pornhub. LEFT Tentacle and "The Bigamist" Jonathan Smith start chasing Hero around with frying pans, hoping to knock the infant lose. Sirius Man still has hope that this scheme will save him from being beaten to death at New Year's Nightmare.]

Hardcore Hero: Use Acid!

[As Foster's weeps over his broken phone, and hooded satanist stand-ins take turns beating the small child I feel it my duty to remind you... this is the SWAT Backyard FACE contingent.]

Goat: BLAAAAAAAAH

[The goat runs from the kitchen through the open front door out into the hall...]

Mad MAX Nolan (satanist #12) : There goes our dinner!

[Leaving the Hardcore Hero to have his hand amputated by the mutant baby, our devil worshiping protagonists trip over themselves trying to chase after the frightened animal.]
Edited by TripleV, Dec 29 2017, 05:09 PM.
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