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| Stop, Drop and Roll; Promos for No Man's Land 2018 Vol. 4 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 5 2018, 05:35 PM (117 Views) | |
| TripleV | Jan 5 2018, 05:35 PM Post #1 |
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Pres4Life
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The stars of SWAT Backyard use this channel to promote themselves for January's SWAT No Man's Land (Vol. 4) PPV, and any other B Season 2 events that happen during the month. If you see your local cable listings offering TWO different No Man's Land events... we know you'll pick the right one. SWAT No Man's Land Vol. 4 ACW MEMORIAL SUPERSHOW The POUND A 100 man royal rumble, with the only way to win putting your opponent over the top rope. Not only are the contestants drawing lots to see WHEN they come out, but they also draw lots to see WHO they are paired with. Paired with? Yes. Contestants will come out in twos, tied together by a DOG COLLAR. Even if your partner gets eliminated, you can still keep on fighting, but you'll be tied to a guy on the outside of the ring. SWAT ULTIMATE TITLE FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE Sirius Man <c> vs Astaroth Since winning the championship from Viper by forfeit, Sirius Man has felt the booker's wraith. That rage comes in the form of international superstar monster dick, ASTAROTH. The Dog Faced Luchador only managed to hang onto the strap last time by reversed decision, with a falls count anywhere stipulation, Sirius is as good as dead. SWAT TWINSTAR TITLES BARBWIRE HANDICAP MATCH Friendly Business <c> vs. The Arizona Assassins Guild (AA #4, AA #C2, & AA #666) During a previous TWINSTAR title defense, two members of the Arizona Assassin Guild appear to have died. The guild demands revenge, and since VVV is terrified of them, not only do they get a rematch - but with an extra man and razor wire to help the playing field. Let's hope that BOTH Beelzebozo & The Industrial Man show up... Confession Match Anonymoose vs. Zoran Sainovic Who is Anonymoose? Why is Zoran Sainovic interested in the million Beelzebozo impersonators that have popped up in Backyard throughout the second season? One of these burning questions will be answered, as the two men attempt to force a confession out of each other. What tricks does Industrial Man's mad scientist have up his sleeve - and is Anonymoose actually THE REAL ADRIAN TANNER JUNIOR!?! Time will tell. Winner gets to wear the Tentacle costume in the rumble at the lesser PPV LEFT Tentacle vs. BRUTALICUS the RIPPER Having received a spot in the 2018 SWAT Royal Rumble, LEFT Tentacle is close to achieving a career high, but SWAT B Boss VVV is more concerned with having muscle backing up his own rumble victory. Having brought in a ringer in the hellacious BRUTALICUS the RIPPER, Vile has devised a plan to murder LEFT for questioning him in front of the boys and get his enforcer in there: a contest over the suit. Collateral Damage BRUNO vs. Olmec Captain Nemo His KGB mission to eliminate Backyard wrestlers before the big street fight put BRUNO on Team Homage's hit list. Amongst the people gunning for the ACW Enforcer is the Olmec version of Captain Nemo who had his sub broken in the first sneak attack. Better Bitter Brawl Carlton Draught Dude & Victoria Bitter Boy vs. Foster's BEER Man & Rajiv Khan The battle over which is Australia's greatest lager has already cost Rajiv Khan his cab. With no way to support himself, the ACW legend returns to SWAT, teaming up with Backyard's own FOSTER'S BEER MAN to take on the hated outsiders Carlton Draught and Victoria Bitter. Edited by TripleV, Jan 8 2018, 11:29 PM.
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| IndustrialMan | Jan 8 2018, 03:09 PM Post #2 |
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Champion of Industry
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[Backstage at SWAT Breathes Vermont - "Beelzebozo" Sid Sociable is trying to thank Anonymoose for an amazing match and take some pictures for his Instagram. For his part Anonymoose is galloping away, fearing that said photo ops might lead his employer Actual Beelzebozo to murder him for appearing with a ripoff. What is the deal with all the Beelzebozos showing up in the Backyard region? Fortunately in between knocking over interns and production assistants while blindly charging down the hallway, Anonymoose sees the one man that could shed some light on the situation.] Anonymoose: Just the man I was looking for! Zoran Sainovic: Ah ze masked antelope. Tell me Antelope, vat if I could graft an actual animal head to your shoulders? Anonymoose: Are you trying to bribe me? Zoran Sainovic: Bribe you for what? Anonymoose: To stop my investigation into all the guys pretending to be Beelzebozo here. Zoran Sainovic: Vould zat vork? Anonymoose <thinking about it for a minute>: ...um... no... I have too much integrity to be bribed. ...no. Zoran Sainovic: Vat if I attached two extra legs to your hind quarters to increase your speed and attract ze centaur groupies? Anonymoose: That would work? Zoran Sainovic: Yah, lots of vomen like centaurs... Anonymoose: ...why do you keep taking notes on the fake Beelzebozo matches? Zoran Sainovic: Vy do you dress as an antelope? Anonymoose: I asked first! Zoran Sainovic: You Americans think you're so clever - trying to change the subject. Anonymoose: That was the subject! Why are you following them, what is your interest in them? Zoran Sainovic: Who are you? Vat are you hiding under zose antlers? Anonymoose: Confess! Zoran Sainovic: Zat vill be Ze day!!! [.........] ACW Memorial Super Show Confession Match! Anonymoose vs Zoran Sainovic |
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| TripleV | Jan 8 2018, 08:47 PM Post #3 |
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Pres4Life
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[Meanwhile at SWAT North Pole, Feral Boy is about to make a startling discovery...] [...the office of Vile "Vince" Viper.] [Discovered by the warm-hearted staff of SWAT Backyard out in the woods being raised by wolves, Feral Boy was immediately added to the roster as a way to introduce him back to society. If any members of the SWAT B roster were Satanists, surely a child raised by animals is a likely subject of Lucifer; and if any of the fine folks at Backyard indulged in cannibalism then this wolf-boy is a serious suspect. The only problem with these theories is that other than LEFT Tentacle, Feral Boy is the NICEST member of the roster. For example, even though it's not his week to deliver mail, Feral Boy brings some letters to Old Scratch.] Feral Boy: Uew. VVV: What do you want? [Feral Boy drops some letters from his mouth onto the desk.] VVV: Good job boy! Here have a ssshoe. [Looking to reward his domesticated pet, Vile holds up a doc martin. Salivating, Feral Boy lunges forwards to grab the shoe - WHAM - only to smash his face into a hard glass screen.] VVV: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! THAT WILL NEVER GET OLD! Lucerio Villaini: You're not worried about him letting them in on your secret. [Feral Boy looks confused as a mobster looking old man materializes out of nowhere next to Viper. Hang on! He didn't materialize... IT'S A TELEVISION SET! Half the SWAT Backyard crew are freezing their balls off since Neil consented to Alaska being a SWAT BACKYARD STATE - and VVV has acted like he was suffering with them, but he's on a damned television show! If only Feral Boy had the skills to tell his fellow Backyardigans there would be mutiny.] Lucerio Villaini: We ran Atlantic Coast out of business... sure there are a bunch of fly by night regions popping up in its wake, but come on Vile - two out of those three will be dead in three months, ain't it time to stop this experiment? VVV: Oh, there are ssstill ssstoriesss to be told, pains to be suffered, souls to steal, lives to crush, and the final brush strokes of the bigger picture. Take the SSSWAT Royal Rumble for instance... Lucerio Villaini: I still don't know why you're putting your neck on the line in that match. Even with Da Ripper watching your back, you're the only one in that match any of them care about. Not worth the risk. VVV: The rumble is one of those truly broad brush strokes. We see the final pieces of the puzzle. The wrestlers that survived Atlantic Coassst to act as the lifeblood of these other dives... all of them involved in ONE MATCH. Will they promote it? [Opening his e-mail, VVV cringes at one of the letters...] "Vile Viper, The Arizona Assassin Guild has thus far turned a blind eye to your thievery of the estate of our founder, Adrian Tanner Jr. Part of our absence is due to the perfect killing zone that your backwater promotion provides us. Unfortunately one of our recent marks was able to escape the grim grasp of Arizona. With only third party accounts to let us know why two members of our guild are no longer amongst the tumbleweeds, we can only surmise that this Industrial Man was able to best our assassins with your aid. Enjoying our current arrangement, the guild has decided to give you the benefit of the doubt, requesting a second chance to fulfill our contract. Not a threat, Arizona Assassin B43" Lucerio Villaini: First that Tentacle punk stands up to YOU, now you have second-rate tag teams threatening you? VVV: Not at all, I'm a very magnanimous booker. I will be happy to give them another shot at the Twinssstar titles, in slightly more favorable circumstances than they enjoyed last time. Lucerio Villaini: It's not a real guild! They aren't coming to kill you! VVV <hard swallow>: I'm not scared of them, <...> it is to my benefit to remove Balan and Friendly from our champ'sss role call. Lucerio Villaini: It just seems like they're all walking all over you! VVV: Let them. It goes back to the 2018 SSSWAT rumble. Over 30 men... the best and the brightest! ...But I take the untrained, the worst, and the silliest... and who do you think can put on a better rumble? Let those idiots run their mouths, I bet they run them TWICE AS MUCH as the well paid SSSWAT wressstlersss. From sick bumps to inane promos anything MY BOYS do this month? Just proves that my ASSSSSSAULT on the SSSWAT BRAND is more passionate and frankly BETTER than anything the so-called SSSWAT As can pull off! Lucerio Villaini: You're running a different rumble?! VVV: A rumble to end all rumbles... with real tensssion... higher ssstakesss... completely reinvented. A little match I like to call The Pound. [As Old Scratch cackles malevolently, Feral Boy races off trying to get anyone to follow him back into the office. They won't. They don't have death wishes. |
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| Rajiv Khan | Jan 11 2018, 06:21 AM Post #4 |
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Rajiv Khan is driving in his cab, cigarette hanging from his mouth, trash all over the front seat, well, not his cab, his cab got trashed in Vegas so he is driving a loaner, man needs to pay the bills. “SWAT Backyard” Khan spits out the window. “What about SWAT India!!!” “We Indians are a great and proud race, and all over the Western world you mock us and your racist cultures turn our doctors and engineers into cleaners and taxi drivers for half normal wage.” “Now i get tangled up with the biggest racists of them all. Australians.” Khan drags the last of his smoke and flicks it out the window. “And not just any Australians” he says with contempt “Beer drinking alcoholic Australians” Rounding a turn and bouncing over the gutter and keeps driving like it was nothing “That is all Australians though, isn’t it, beer drinking racist mongrels, well i will show them all.” “Then i will become the Ultimate Champion and SWAT India awaits” |
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| TripleV | Jan 14 2018, 04:56 PM Post #5 |
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Pres4Life
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[Meanwhile over at the Arizona Assassin's Guild...] AA#28: No way Funny Business is walking away this time. After what they did to brother 245? C2 isn't even going to make it look like an accident! DEAD CLOWN WALKING! [A group of Arizona Assassins guard the exterior gates to the sprawling mansion that the Guild calls home. The grounds are so magnificent you almost forget that they are located in the horrible Arizona. Kicking back next to their swamp cooler, the dangerous men enjoy some shitty Barrio sludge.] AA#320: They were in the same graduating class right? GOD DAMN... I feel sorry for anyone that C2 is pissed at. I'm as sure that those two snowbirds have days to live, as I am that we invented the chimi. AA#711: I don't know... 245 had just gotten his seventh star. Not just anyone could take him out. AA#28: No one's saying the joke and the tinman ain't hard... but C2 could take either one of them down by himself, and with 4 and 666 to deal with the other? Don't feel sporting. [A stranger approaches...] AA#711: You lost kid? If you're looking for Mogollon you needed to turn right a couple of lefts ago. [Did you say LEFT?] LEFT Tentacle: Nah, I'm cutting promos in different regions to get as many eyes on the Rumble as possible! So this totally relevant promo should count towards my rumble participation. It's the least I could do after my best pal Joe pulled so many strings to help me. [The Guild members get tense, another wrestler... their one weakness... other than coming from the worst state.] AA#320: I think you need to turn around son, and just head back the way you came... LEFT Tentacle: But I just have to join you! AA#28: A pledge? AA#711: We've got no idea what you're talking about. LEFT Tentacle <motormouthed enthusiastic train of thought>: My boss Vile, well he doesn't have faith in me protecting him during the royal rumble, so he hired this REALLY BIG GUY... looks a bit like Gamera... to take my spot. Gamera is cool, and he reminds me of watching movies with my cousins on rainy Saturday afternoons, but I don't want him to take my costume. What if he has other giant monster special powers, like spinning in a circle with roman candles attached? Do you think he would let me copy him... but mostly how am I suppose to stand up to someone that huge? I need to get some KILLER skills... so I say to myself, I say LEFT TENTACLE... I don't call myself Carl in case one of the marks is watching... LEFT TENTACLE... who do you know that can teach you KILLER SKILLS? <tries to snap his fingers but the felt costume makes it difficult> Assassins! James Fierce, Adrian Tanner, Triple H, Angel Acevedo - all the best wrestlers moonlight as hired killers! I was going to mentor under Triple H, but apparently he's non-canon, whatever that means. So why not go the second best school for assassins? ...I couldn't figure out if that was the Arizona Assassin's Guild or the League of Hillbilly Assassins... frankly there's a SURPRISING amount of over lap between the two demographics. My father is a hillbilly, but Vile tells me that they might want pure hillbillies - like trace your family line back one generation because all your kin are related, and I'm kind of pressed for time to do the whole genie'o'logical thing... so congratulations, I'm REALLY EXCITED TO JOIN YOUR ORGANIZATION! AA #28, 711, & 320: ........... LEFT Tentacle: Where do we start? I've always wanted to make a message that explodes after you finish reading it, like Inspector Gadget or Get Smart... AA #28: Hang on there slimy monster, <scowl> we appreciate that we rank so highly in your esteem, but its not that easy. Not just ANYONE gets into the guild... <raising eyebrow> there are tests. LEFT Tentacle <clapping the stubs he calls hands>: I've ALWAYS wanted to be good at tests! AA #711: Be careful what you wish for pal. These tests can be deadly. LEFT Tentacle: So can Gamera the Invincible! I don't mind failing at tests, but getting beaten up by a pillar of my childhood television viewing? I'd rather die! ...Vile has been trying to teach us about hyperbole. ...Is that on the test. ALL: No. LEFT Tentacle: Nuts. AA #320: What is your name? LEFT Tentacle: Car--- <looking around for marks> LEFT Tentacle. AA #28: A tentacle has no name. LEFT Tentacle: I guess not, but see, my best friend was on the right side, so it only made sense for me to be on the left side. People use it to tell us apart. LEFT Tentacle, LEFTY, LT, Panar Leopard #2, The Red Menace, Commie Scum, You, pipsqueak, slippery son of a bitch, sorry excuse for a man, creep... I have SO MANY NICKNAMES... ALL: ... LEFT Tentacle: They are all done out of love. ALL: ......... AA #28: Game of Faces! ALL: The game of faces!! LEFT Tentacle: So wait, this is a game? I thought it was going to be a test. [...this is going to be a long initiation.] LEFT Tentacle: ...cause the suckers form a face. [Using his pointy stub to point out the three suckers around the top of his tentacle that look like two eyes and a mouth, LEFT Tentacle smiles awkwardly at his new potential mentors. The Arizona Assassins exchange worried glances... they really hope he doesn't get in.] |
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| TripleV | Jan 24 2018, 12:55 AM Post #6 |
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Pres4Life
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[Foster's BEER Man is drinking Foster's BEER... he's contractually obligated to.] Foster's BEER Man: Whoa Rajiv... have you got us Aussies dead to rights. Good on you mate. I'm sorry if my backwards people have given you a right time of things in the past. <holding out beer> Here's have a lager on me! I sure am sorry that right bastard Carlton Draught Dude destroyed your cab. I'm sure the good people behind Foster's Beer will be happy to replace your wheels. You've already proven that you can hold your own with the best lager in Australasia, so I know you'll keep up your half of the team, just leave that Victoria Bitter Boy to me. I hear he relieves himself in his product. That makes me furious. Unlike Victoria Bitter, Foster's Beer cares about the urine content in our lager. ["Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's Beer Man notices an unprotected wifi connection, so has to prioritize other interests...] |
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| TripleV | Jan 24 2018, 06:24 PM Post #7 |
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Pres4Life
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[DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG - UPS MAN is ready to pick up some ADVENTURE...] #KNOCK# #KNOCK# #KNOCK# [Opening our door, the package deliver man is greeted by every mailman's worst nightmare - A SIX FOOT DOG!] Sirius Man: Hi there... [Fortunately DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG has seen his fair share of dangers, and working for UPS instead of the US Postal service, has no fear of such monsters. The SWAT Ultimate Champion pulls out a large box he's hoping to send over to Backyard headquarters...] DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG U.P.S.: ...When we have customers wearing animal masks they make me ask... there aren't drugs in there, are there? Sirius Man: Oh no... <pointing at mask> I'm a professional wrestler... DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG U.P.S. <checking for white powder>: You don't say... Sirius Man: I am. I'm just sending the title back to the company, so I can tender my notice without this gruesome tag specialist crippling me for life over some lame video game references... DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG U.P.S.: Soul Calbur isn't lame. [...wait a minute.] Sirius Man: How did you---- DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG U.P.S.: Is running really the best option? Sirius Man: He destroyed me in seconds... I only have this belt because he tried to kill me so they had to give it back. That was with disqualifications... falls count anywhere... what chance do I have? DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG U.P.S.: Against Astaroth? Well... he might kill you, but cripple you? That's not his style. Sirius Man: Thanks... wait! DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG U.P.S. <handing back box>: But if you REALLY consider yourself a professional wrestler, then you'll take that beating. You won a title. God only knows how, but you're the champ now. Are you running from Astaroth or yourself? Sirius Man <not even blinking>: ...Astaroth. DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG U.P.S.: Do you think I'm going to help you take that belt back? Dodge a painful death for another day? Sirius Man: That's you're job right? DEXTER HAILSTORMBERG U.P.S.: I'm not with the postal service. We're not here to let you do things you're going to regret for the rest of your life. If you really think that Astaroth is a much better man than you, and you're too worthless to even hold that title - despite the YEARS you spent chasing it... well... then you need to hand it to him yourself. Invalidate the last decade of chasing it... stick to bones. [Sirius Man looks down at the floor in shame as the U.P.S. operative walks away, no doubt to fight dinosaurs in a much more thrilling adventure. The ULTIMATE Title... Sirius Man spent a long time trying to track this down... but against Astaroth what chance does he have?] |
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| IndustrialMan | Jan 24 2018, 09:44 PM Post #8 |
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Champion of Industry
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{{Our scene is a simple grey wall with a green door.}} {{Screams of agony...}} {{What's going on behind the green door?}} {{The screaming stops, and seconds later the door swings open to reveal Luchian inc.'s top mad scientist Zoran Sainovic. The former KGB operative is covered from head to tor in blood, fortunately he is wearing a latex apron and black leather gloves to look less intimidating. Removing his blood stained visor, Zoran feels a headache coming on as he spots the SWAT video crew. To stifle the pain, Sainovic rubs his temple, leaving a crimson smear around his beady Eastern European eyes.}} ZS: Cariboo ...you could 'ave 'ad everything. An extra set of ze 'ind quarters. Ze eyes of an eagle, attached to your testicles. 'ead of ze lion. Body of ze bear. Feet of zen albatross. Instead you are a tail told be an idiot. Vat is going on in your 'ead? Or rather... WHO is going on in your 'ead? We could 'ave done this ze easy way. My medical marvels making you ze better beast man. Maybe even get in my robotic benefactors good books. Instead I shall extract the information I need the old fashion way. All your caribou secrets are belonging to us. {{The man behind the green door makes a fist.}} |
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| TripleV | Jan 24 2018, 10:32 PM Post #9 |
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Pres4Life
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[Carlton Draught Dude is... trying to give some free bottles of Carlton Draught to some kids. Get them while they're young.] Kid#1: Won't this stunt my growth? Carlton Draught Dude: It'll put hair on your chest kid. Kid#1: ...I'm a girl. Carlton Draught Dude: Could have fooled me. [Bursting into frame in all his 4'5" glory, Victory Bitter Boy would beg to disagree.] Victoria Bitter Boy: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! When I was your age my parents made me drink Carlton Draught all the time... they are BOTH seven feet tall... and that was TWENTY YEARS AGO!!! [...] Kid #1, 2, & 9: AAAAAHHHH!!!! [The children run away from the horrible effects drinking Carlton Draught might have on them. Smiling Victoria Bitter Boy starts to hand out some free Victoria Bitter...] Victoria Bitter Boy <cough>: If you like it... please buy a case... I need an operation. Carlton Draught Dude: ...You piece of shit. Victoria Bitter Boy: They only find floaters in Carlton Draught. Carlton Draught Dude: Listen here you tiny wanker, you better knock this competitive shit off when we have that tag match against Foster's. I hear here's brought in a foreign devil to help his piss poor brews chances. Victoria Bitter Boy: Don't sweat it mate, I'm a pro. Carlton Draught Dude: Aces. [As the next mob of possible consumers approach, Victoria Bitter Boy takes a swig of Carlton Draught, then bites his tongue, spitting blood all over the street.] Victoria Bitter Boy <spitting blood>: Dere LASS n dis ARLTON RAUGHT... [The Bitter Boy continues to cough blood while holding up the offending Carlton Draught for all to see.] Carlton Draught Dude: ...You limp wristy arse face ankle biter... [Horrified, the crowd quickly v-line over to a truck of free samples of VB - the drinking beer.] |
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