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jokes; tell em, read em..
Topic Started: Aug 1 2009, 05:28 PM (52 Views)
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A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
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Dear Diary

June 1:

Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've
finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and
rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used
to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up
to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car
now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more
pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I
can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the
seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the
seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and
ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months
and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever
rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth
of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in
this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car.
The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for
you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking
Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
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Letter From The Boss

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead..

This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.



So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.



I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
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Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I
couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll
live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or
drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing
drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said
that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even
give a shit?
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This may be the best
Living Will I've Seen





I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Mexican food
French fries
Pizza
Ice cream
Cup of coffee

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day! Love you all!!!!
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The Lie Clock



A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told
only two lies in his life."

"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man. "Obama's clock is in Jesus's office,

He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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