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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 29 2010, 04:58 AM (325 Views) | |
| Arizona's Most Wanted | Sep 29 2010, 04:58 AM Post #1 |
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The Face of S.W.A.T.
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Posting them now because I'm here, but they arent in order yet. ========================= [We open up to... a large, familiar mansion. In California.] [Bel air, California.] [Yeah. Wait, what?] Voice #1: Just go with it. Voice #2: Yeah. [Oh god, not you guys again.] Voice #2: Yeah, us guys again. Wait, didn’t your head explode? [No.] Voice #1: Really? Then how do you know us? [That was my cousin.] Voice #1: Ouch, sorry to hear that. Which one was yo- [They were ALL my cousins.] Voice #2: .... Voice #1: O...kaaaaaay. [Look. Let’s just get on with this.] Voice #2: Sounds good. Voice #1: Yep. Now, who’s gonna do it again? Voice #2: Pff, I’m not doing that. Voice #1: Why not? Voice #2: Why not? Why NOT?! Are you kidding me? It’s... ludicrous. It’s preposterous. It’s- Voice #1: It’s no different from ANYTHING ELSE we’ve done yet. Voice #2: True... Fine then, you do it. Voice #1: HA! No. Your doing it. Voice #2: AM NOT. Voice #1: ARE TOO! Voice #2: NO U! Voice #1: NO U! Voice #2: NO U! Voice #1: NO U! Voice #2: NO - This is retarded. Voice #1: I agree. Okay, new plan. Voice #2: Game time? Voice #1: You know it! Voice #2: Alright! *ROCK* *PAPER* *SCISSORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Voice #2: ...F*CK! Voice #1: HA! Paper covers rock! You lose, b*tch! Voice #2: ...Fine. Voice #1: Get to it. Voice #2: Hate. You. Voice #1: Less talky, more doey. [The scene cuts out.] #In west Philadelphia born and raised On the playground was where I spent most of my days Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school When a couple of guys Who were up to no good Startin making trouble in my neighborhood I got in one little fight and my mom got scared She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'# “Fresh Prince of Bel Air is taped before a Live studio audience!” [End opening.] #IT’S NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE!!! IT’S NOT UNUSUAL TO HAVE FUN WITH ANYONE!!# [The scene opens up to the Banks family residence, in the living room. Where we find, as I’m sure most of you already speculated... Cecil Kennedy. #BUT WHEN I SEE YOU HANGING ABOUT WITH ANYONE IT’S NOT UNUSUAL TO SEE ME CRRRRRYYYYYY!!!!# [......Doing The Carlton Dance.] #OH, I WANNA DIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!# [Yeah, I’m sure he does too. Cecil is dressed in black slacks a polka dotted corduroy shirt as he dances along in the most goofy looking version of the Carlton ever. Which is hard to do considering the source, but yeah. Adrian Tanner Jr, wearing tan khaki shorts and a black “We’ve got a Giant Robot, WHERE’S YOURS” Nextwave t-shirt, stands off to the side, laughing his ass off.] Familiar Voice: HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! [Uh oh. What’ve our heroes gotten themselves into now?] Carlton Banks: That’s not how you do it!! [Wait for it.] #IT’S NOT UNUSUAL TO GO OUT AT ANYTIME! BUT WHEN I SEE YOU OUT AND ABOUT, ITS SUCH A CRIME!!!# [....Wait for it.] Carlton Banks: THIS is how you do it! #IT’S NOT UNUSUAL, IT HAPPENS EVERY DAAAAYYYY!!! NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY YOU FIND IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIIIMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!# Adrian: Oh. My. God. [And now, there are TWO people, doing the Carlton Dance~! Which makes Cecil look even more ridiculous when he’s doing it right next to the Master!!! Adrian almost dies from laughing.] “CARLTON!” [An even more familiar voice comes from the other side of the room, near the kitchen. The crowd goes WILD as WILL SMITH enters the living room!!!!] Will: What the hell’s wrong with you, man?! Have you no dignity? How you gonna out ‘white-boy’ the two white boys staying in our house?! [Will turns off the stereo.] Carlton: But Will! Will: No buts, C, get your ass outta here now! [Will chases Carlton out of the living room. Cecil glares at Adrian.] Cecil: Why? Just. Why? Adrian: Look man, we’ve got a very important match coming up. ICWF TV Tag Team Championships. This is our second time walking into a federation and being handed a Tag Title shot and I for one, am not going to waste it again! Cecil: Yeah but why... [Cecil motions around the room.] Adrian: Cecil, my good chap. Think about it! TV Tag Titles! TEE-VEE! That means if we win, we’re the KINGS of TELEVISION! Cecil: I don’t think that’s exactly what it me- Adrian: So, what better way to prepare for our upcoming reign as KINGS of TV, by immersing ourselves into Television’s core! Genius, I know. Cecil: Genius wasn’t the word I was thinking of, but you make a good point. But still, why? Adrian: Think, man! You’re already TV champ of that other place. I mean, to really understand what it’s like to be TV Champs, one has to understand how TV works, don’t you think? Plus, it was just really f*cking funny. Cecil: So, we’re just gonna randomly go through TV, huh? Adrian: Yep! Kinda like... [Adrian snaps his fingers.] #Come and knock on our dooooooors# #We've been waiting for youuuuuuu# #Where the kisses are hers and his and... his?# #Three's company too!# [The theme of Three's Company shows up on screen, rolling through the opening credits of Jack and the rest of the cast going through a park. Adrian Tanner is standing near a cage filled with monkeys, throwing small unidentifiable objects at the furry little guys. Cecil is seen nearby... inside a lion cage, doing the 'ole head in the mouth trick... Until the lion's mouth clamps down gently, causing Cecil to tremble violently. Tanner and Jack run over to try to help the young rookie, while Don Knotts is seen behind them laughing menacingly. After the open credits are done, the scene opens up into Jack's apartment, where Jack himself is lounging about on the couch reading a newspaper. Suddenly, his best friend, (Was it Larry?) busts in through the front door ecstacically. Larry: JACK. TWINS. MY PLACE. THEY ARE AWESOME! Jack: Gee, I dunno Larry... The girls were tal- Larry: FORGET THEM JACK, THIS IS MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE TWO! Jack: Well... Alright! [They run out the door and the camera instantly changes to Larry's "humble abode", where the two of them waltz on through Larry's door, eyes flaring like the sexual deviants that they were.... At least, until they saw who was actually there. Yep, that's right! Your very own NextWave is seen inside the room, quite uncomfortable with themselves. Jack turns over to Larry. Jack: Larry... I thought you said they were twins! Larry: ...I thought they were gonna be FEMALE! Adrian and Cecil: YOU WHAT? Jack: Larry, have you been grabbing random phone numbers and calling them over for "a fun night in Lare-bear town" again? Larry: ....No, honestly! I'm pretty sure the voice I talked to was a lot more... feminine. Cecil: HEY, (bleep)HOLE! You talked to me on the phone! Adrian: I can see why he thought that, then. Cecil: Jack(bleep) Jack: What? Cecil: Oh, no. I wasn't saying your name, I just got cutoff by the censor. Jack: Ahhhhh, that makes sense then. [.....Awkward silence.] Adrian: You know, speaking of Perfectly Perfect Duo... Cecil: Ah, right! We still haven't talked about those (bleep)ers yet. Adrian: Well, what IS there to say? They wear fancy clothes? Cecil: ...I dunno. Let me check my notes. [Cecil pulls out a random pad of stickies.] Cecil: A.) They like to say perfect over and over again. B.) They shoot a promo about as hard and to the point as a gummy-worm riding a beach-whale. C.) They have a hot psycho b(bleep)ch of a manager. M.I.L.F, hey, it works! Larry: She have a sister? Twin sister? Cecil: Dunno. That's all I can really say about these guys outside of their ring behavior. They sure do look mean INSIDE the ring, though. Adrian: ....No. Cecil: Aw, c'mon! That attack they did on Al Pacino and Al Pacino's retarded 3rd cousin looked pretty convincing! Adrian: ....No. Cecil: Ah, well. Jerks. Adrian: ...Anyway, I think it's time we ditched this place. [Everyone in the room silently nods as NextWave leaves the room. The scene returns to Jack's apartment, where Jack and Larry enter through the door and collapse on a couch/chair.] *Snap* [The scene changes again, this time to everyone’s favorite Reality TV Game Show~ WHO WANT’S TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?!!] Regis: And we’re back with more Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Our contestant right now, Adrian Tanner Jr, is up to 100,000 dollars so far. Now Adrian, your already a Millionaire, so why are you here anyways? Adrian: Well Regis, your already a giant prick, so why aren’t you inducted into “Worlds most giantest pricks” already? Regis: Why yo- Adrian: Basically, because I can, Reeg. Now can we get back to the game? Regis: Right, the game. Adrian, are you ready to play, for 100,000 dollars? Adrian: ...Duh? Regis: Alright! Let’s play!! [DUN DUN DUN!!!] Regis: Adrian, for 100,000 dollars, name the largest canyon in the United States. Adrian: Ah, damn that’s a tough one. Hmm, I should know this... Regis: Yes you should. Adrian: Hmm, it’s on the tip of my tongue... Is it... Samantha Bevins’s A**h**e? Regis: ....WHAT?! YOU CAN’T SAY THAT ON TV!! Adrian: Really?! I’m fairly certain that’s the answer. Regis: You can’t sa- What is your problem? What’s WRONG with you? We’re on cable television you ca- Adrian: OH! Can I use my Lifeline? I wanna use my lifeline! Regis: You can’t eve- [Adrian picks up his cell phone and dials a number.] Regis: Wait a minute, what are you doing? You ca- Adrian: Hey, a little decency please? I’m on the phone here! Hello? Ceece! [The shot cuts to a split screen showing Cecil Kennedy standing behind Adrian, talking on the phone to him from about 5 feet away.] Cecil: HEY! What’s up man? Adrian: Dude, I’m on Who Wants to be a Millionaire! It’s fricken sweet! Cecil: OH! Am I your lifeline?! Adrian: F*ck yeah you are! [Regis’s eyes almost bug out of his head.] Cecil: So what’s the question? Adrian: Okay reeg, what’s the question again? [Regis just glares at our heroes.] Adrian: Oh, right. Ceece, what’s the largest canyon in the United States? [Cecil ponders that thought for a moment. He looks to Regis, who looks like he’s about to murder someone.] Cecil: Hmm. That’s a doozy. Adrian: Isn’t it, though? Cecil: I believe it’s.... Samantha Bevins’s A**h**le, Adrian. Adrian: See? That’s what I said. Thanks man. [Adrian hangs up his phone. Cecil sits back down in his seat.] Adrian: Samantha Bevins’s A**h**e, Regis. Final Answer. Regis: YOU SONS OF BITCHES! YOU CAN’T SAY THAT ON TV!!! [Regis looks like he’s about to leap out of the chair and pummel Adrian to death. However, he looks at Adrian, and figures that’s probably not a good idea. Instead, he picks up the card, knowing that can’t possibly be the right answer and that he’d be rid of these jerkoffs in a moment anyways.] Regis: ....Okay. Fine. Final answer, huh you f**kers?! Fine. [Regis turns the card over.] Regis: I’m sorry Adrian, you fail. The answer was “Samantha Bevins’s A**h*- WHAT?! [Regis’s eyes bug out of his sockets, as the ‘right answer’ buzzer dings. One person in the audience claps. It’s Cecil. Everyone else is too busy wondering what the fuck just happened, or shocked and outraged to do anything. The producer of the show, who looks strongly like Brandon Young wearing a twirly moustache, a monocle, and a little top hat that says ‘producer’ on it, urges Regis to continue the game. Regis glares at the ‘producer,’ and then at Adrian.] Adrian: Uh, aren’t we supposed to be going to the next question now or something? Regis: .... [Regis turns towards the ‘producer’ again. As he does, he notices another ‘producer,’ who kinda looks Jimmy the Intern also wearing a top hat, monocle and twirly moustache, but this one is also holding a gun to Regis’s pet dog. The first ‘producer’ points to the dog, and then at Regis, and then at Adrian, again urging him to continue the game. Regis slumps his head.] Regis: ..Okay. Yay. You won. Our next question, I-.... [Regis looks over the question, then back at the ‘producers.’ The 2nd ‘producer’ cocks the gun.] Regis: ...SO, Adrian, for 150,000 dollars... Why is Nextwave, so awesome? Adrian: Are you kidding me? Is this a trick question? This is! This is a trick question, isn’t it? Regis: ...No. Adrian: Well Reeg, I mean... Why AREN’T we so awesome?! I mean fuck, I own a Giant Robot. Do YOU own a Giant Robot, Regis? Regis: No... Adrian: Didn’t think so. Besides the robot, I mean... well, look at us. I’m a fricken Tag Team God. I’ve a fairly good track record of winning titles no matter where I go, that’s gotta matter for something right? Then you’ve got Cecil, who’s kinda following in my footsteps. Cecil: HEY! Adrian: Well it’s true! We both won titles pretty quickly into our careers. We both teamed up with guys who taught how to be fucking awesome. [Adrian grins. Cecil rolls his eyes.... but smirks too.] Adrian: And yknow, theres the other fact. The fact a LOT of people take for granted. A lot of guys, they look at me, or they look at Cecil, and all they see is our height. They see two tiny cruiserweights, one of whom is a rookie, and they immediately think ‘easy win.’ But Reeg, and here’s the thing, me and Ceece? We’ve known each other since... what, like first grade? Cecil: Second. Adrian: Second. We’ve been best friends for the last... 20+ years. We have an incredible chemistry together. Outside, and especially INSIDE that ring. [‘Producer’ #1 runs over and hands Regis a new set of cue cards.] Regis: (reading from the cards) ...But your opponents at this... PPV thing, they’re all family with each other. And two of the teams are twins. Larry from 3's Company, sitting next to Cecil: TWINS! [Cecil bitchslaps Larry from 3's Company.] Regis: ...How can you honestly say you have better chemistry than them? Adrian: Well for one, we don’t have to worry about being distracted by Samantha Bevins’s A**h**e. [Adrian grins. Regis begins shaking violently. He falls out of the floor, foaming at the mouth and still shaking.] Woman: Oh my god he’s having a seizure!! Somebody help him!! [Cecil hops over the barricade for the crowd, and walks over to the stage.] Cecil: Hey man, you okay? Regis: AFNSJKFNESWIHGIEUFHKDJHKJFGJHKDJGKDD! Cecil: ...Ahh, he’s fine! Brando- I mean, ‘Producer #1:’ Hey, we still got a show to do here! Cecil: He’s right.... [Cecil grabs Regis’s cue cards, and hops over his drooling, shaking form, taking his place in the chair opposite Adrian. And out of nowhere, he’s also wearing a monocle, top hat a little twirly moustache.] Cecil: So, Adrian, you were saying? Adrian: Yeah, I was answering that other guy’s completely non-premade question about our opponents at Rain of Terror. The reason we’re better, the reason we deserve to be, and the reason we WILL be the ICWF Tv Tag Team Champions... Well, look at the competition. The “Perfectly Perfect Duo” have to be the most white bread bunch of men ever created in the history of women not doing the smart thing and getting rid of the waste of space of a child, ever. Cecil: Perfectly whitebread. The ONLY thing they seem to have going for them is the whole ‘twin’ thing,- Larry from 3's Company: TWINS!!! [Cecil stands up, walks over, and once again bitchslaps Larry from 3's Company. He then takes his seat on the stage again. All pretense of this being a real episode of “Who wants to be a Millionare” is all but gone now.] Adrian: That, and Samantha Bevin’s cavernous a**h**e. [Adrian looks down to the floor at Regis, who’s still spasming and drooling. Someone should probably help him. Maybe later.] Cecil: And their not even the ONLY team of twins in this shindig! Larry from 3's Compay: TW- [Cecil raises his hand. Larry from 3's Company shuts up.] Adrian: Oh god, Nuff Said. “Keith and Steve.” REALLY?! Cecil: Apparently these guys are so generic, they don’t even deserve last names. Adrian: Now THAT’s E‘Nuff Said. Cecil: Ha! I dunno though, they did seem to have some weird ability to make the crowd randomly decide to boo us on Thursday. Adrian: ...Yeah, they did. That was awkward. Cecil: Y’know what that means? Adrian: Their WITCHES! Cecil: I was thinking ‘Mutants,’ but uh... sure. Adrian: Nigga please. Their not cool enough to be mutants. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE LAST NAMES! [The still-seizure frame of Regis vomits at the sound of the word ‘Nigga.’ However because he’s having a seizurific breakdown, the vomit flies all over himself. Nextwave pay him no mind. As usual.] Cecil: ...Good point. How about the Rossi’s? Adrian: The Rossis, what about the Rossis? Couple’a Italian losers. Typical wrestling stereotype #304949594-b. Talk a lot of sh*t but can’t back it up worth a damn. Cecil: So their basically the Shiros? Adrian: Yeah, but ITALIAN! [Cecil shudders at the thought of Italian Shiros. You’d cringe too if any of you knew who the Shiros were. Luckily, you don’t. Cecil does though.] Cecil: Really, jokes aside, I think our biggest competition comes from the Perfectly Whitebread Duo. Adrian: And Samantha Bevins’s A**h**e. Also, a correction, Our ONLY competition. The Rossi’s were being laughed at and mocked by everyone BEFORE we even came on the scene, and as for “Kamikaze” Keith and “Suicidal” Steve... Cecil: I’d be “suicidal” too if I didn’t have a last name. Adrian: Heh, yeah. Fact is, they could be all be related to EACH other, and it wouldn’t make a difference. They still don’t do what Nextwave does in that ring. Cecil: No sir. Adrian: We are pranksters, jokers, we like to have fun, but... we’re also students of the game. While everyone else is gonna push us off as “those new guys” and not worry about us, we’re gonna be studying every tape we can. We’ll be learning every weakness we can find. And we’ll be- Cecil: Coming up with the most badass and epic tag moves in history to exploit those weakness. Adrian: Yeah, that. We’ve already spent, what? 20 or so hours practicing for this match? Cecil: And coming up with the most badass and epic tag moves in history to exploit all your weakness, yes. Adrian: Thank you Ted, that was the joke. Cecil: Who you callin’ Ted, foo? Adrian: You, bitch! Cecil: Oh yeah? Adrian: Yeah! Cecil: OH YEAH?! Adrian: YEAH! Cecil: OH YE- Brandon: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET BACK TO THE PROMO! [....] Adrian:... Cecil: .... Adrian: Uh, yeah, so... TV Tag Team Champions - Nextwave. I like the sound of that. How ‘bout you? Cecil: Oh, definitely. Adrian: Me too. Me too. Cecil: I know, we just established that. Adrian: ...Quiet you. [...Fade to your mother.] |
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| Arizona's Most Wanted | Sep 29 2010, 04:59 AM Post #2 |
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The Face of S.W.A.T.
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[Darkness.] Revolver Ocelot: Hold it right there, traitor. Let's find out just how lucky you are. [The IntenseTron lights up as spliced footage from Metal Gear Solid 3 plays on the screen.] (Ocelot reveals a bullet for his revolver. He loads the bullet) Ocelot: Watch closely. (takes out three revolvers) Ocelot: One of these three guns has a single bullet in it. I'm going to pull the trigger six times in a row. Are you ready? (Ocelot juggles the three guns. Each time he pulls a trigger, Sokolov winces. The fifth time a trigger is pulled, Sokolov pisses his pants) Ocelot: Looks like your luck hasn't run out yet. (The sixth time, the gun fires and the screen shatters into a million pieces as two words appears through the broken-ness.) NeXT WaVE [But it is not the epic guitar-stylings of Dream Theater that greet your ears this evening, no sir. It’s the even more epic, dare I say... Super-Epic sounds of Metroid’s “Norfair tenement Blues”.... as done by the NESkimos.] #Arriving with confidence After countless stretches of time# [A video on the Intensetron shows a dark, dreary sci-fi world, in really shitty NES-style graphics through a first-person viewport. The HUD at the top of the screen shows 99% full.] #Heady with pleasant sensations Sweet proximity# [We round the corner, kill a couple metroids that pop out, and we come face to face with two video game beings wearing male versions of the typical “Samus-suit,” only with giant gold belts with ICWF around their wastes. The two beings take off their helmets to reveal the REAL team with titles you paid to see tonight, Champions you can be PROUD of, not a bunch of fucking whiny babies... They are...] (Armor integrity percentage holding at 95) [.....VIDEO GAME NEXTWAVE~!] #No one ever made reference to Or acted as if they knew of# [Video Game Nextwave look upon you, the player, and smile. They open their mouths as if to talk but no sound comes out. Text rolls off the screen instead. It’s a shitty Metroid ripoff. There were no voice-talking in the NES days.] Video Game Cecil: Jesus christ these suits are hot. Video Game Adrian: Tell me about it. Video Game Cecil: I just wish we cou-LOOK OUT! #Or winked at each other surreptitiously About the creatures that rule this envious land# [The screen turns red as you, the player-character suddenly turn into a giant NES-style graphics monster. Video Game Nextwave sigh, and put their helmets back, pointing their blaster hands at you.] *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!* #"Infestations can be dealt with" I think to myself as I grit my teeth# [As Video Game Nextwave kills your mutated evil new self, the screen burns away, and a huge gulf of flames and pyro explode from the stage as REAL NEXTWAVE walk out onto the stage~!!! Adrian has on blue jeans and a black t-shirt that reads “NEXTWAVE - will SHATTER DREAMS for free.” Cecil is wearing green cargos and has on a custom black t-shirt as well, which reads, “I encountered Samantha Bevins’ asshole…” and on the back it says, “and all I have is this lousy T-shirt to tell the tale.” and they are both carrying the NEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ICWF TELEVISION TAG TEAM TITLES~!] #Determined to take back this land Where the lava glows and warms the worthy# [Both men head to opposite sides of the stage, each soaking in the massive roars of the crowd, who’ve only known these men for 3 or so weeks, yet their still way more over than those other guys with tag titles. They each raise their titles high into the air...] *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!* [And more pyro explodes, this time from the intenstron, showering your tag team heroes in gold sparks as they make their way back and head down the ramp.] #(Armor integrity percentage has dropped to 61)# #Jealousy, bitterness, loneliness and anger All will fuel me now as the rest falls away# [Both members of Nextwave make their way down to the end of the ramp. Adrian lowers his head.] #Save me, save me Save me....# #.....save yourself# *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!* [And one more time for good measure. The stage, the ring posts, all of it. Burns in flames. And then an army of Metroids race down the ramp, walking past our heroes, they all converge around the ringside area, circling the ring.] #"One and two and through and through" I chant to myself As my missiles track in and I'm already reloading# [You read that right. A bunch of people in pink Metroid suits rush past our chosen ones. Not the samus-suits, Metroids. There’s a difference. Ridiculous? Sure. But it’s still more entertaining and interesting than those shitty Black guys and their shitty entrance.] #And now I've taken hundreds of them But I hear the slithering of thousands more# [Kanye West and TI? What are you, gay? Who the fuck uses Kanye fucking West as a theme song?] #And pummeled with fear and awash with regret I drop to one knee and lower my head And armor integrity at 9 percent now# [Nextwave make their way towards the ring, marching through the sea of Metroids.] #Rage and fear and doubt and avarice Pain and hate and sweat and fury# [Nextwave hop onto the apron. Adrian climbs up to the nearest turnbuckle, while Cecil treads through the throngs of Metroids to the opposite corner.] #Pettiness, loss, and insecurity All will fuel me now as the rest falls away# [Both men climb to the top, and raise their Championships high up into the air - like the proud champions; the Kings of Television they are. Both men do their corresponding poses; Adrian with the gun cocking and firing, Cecil with the Time Egg pose. They each jump over the ropes and land onto the mat in the ring.] #Save me, save me Save me, save yourself.....# [And then the song cuts out. Adrian grabs two mics and hands one to Cecil. Cecil goes to speak, but Adrian cuts him off. He calls “Slick” Mick Karch into the ring.... then thinks better of it.] Adrian: Yeah, I’m thinking better of that. [Adrian kicks Slick Mick out of the ring, and calls for someone from the back. Generic Mexican music plays and “Professor” Brandon Young runs down to the ring. Adrian and the Professor talk for a moment, then all three of them line up in the middle of the ring.] “Professor” Brandon Young: Ladies and gentlebitches... It is my honor to introduce to you now... The UNDEFEATED~! The UNDISPUTED~! The BEST FUCKING TAG TEAM ON TELEVISION~! The KINGS OF TELEVISION~! Adrian: *whispers* the champions of the internets. “Professor” Young: The CHAMPIONS OF THE INTERNETS~! The NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW [DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP breath] “Professor” Young: ...WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ICWF TELEVISION TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! [Nextwave raise their titles high in the air. “Professor” Young passes out in the middle of them. Or dies. We don’t know.] Cecil: Hey, that’s us! Adrian: Indeed it is! Cecil: Uh, is Bran- er, the Professor, alright? Adrian: ...He’ll be fine. [Adrian steps over to the ropes and one of the Metroids hands him a couple bottles of water. Adrian pours one over Brandon’s head.] “Professor” Young: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [Adrian hands the Professor the rest of the bottles.] Adrian: So. Cecil: So. Adrian: So. Cecil: So. Brandon: ....So? [Adrian and Cecil share a look. Brandon climbs back to his feet.] Adrian: ...So. Cecil: So. Brandon: ....Why did I come out to shitty Mexican music? Adrian: So. Cecil: So. Brandon: ....Hello? Adrian: So. Cecil: So. Brandon: ...I hate you both. [As if on cue, Adrian and Cecil grin.] Cecil: SO! Indianapolis! *LOUD POP!* Cecil: I'D SAY WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, BUT.... Adrian: Everyone who has any sort of knowledge of what has transpired on this earth already KNOWS what's up, and what's up is... Cecil: Nextwave is officially IN! [Both members of Nextwave raise the belts high in the air.] Cecil: After our quick domination of 'Nuff Said, we already attracted the attention of those who are quick to love, quick to hate, those who are quick to underestimate. Adrian: Unfortunately for those who do underestimate, well... They'll find themselves going, "Oh, my god. Two white guys are beating the shit out of us even though we're supposedly superior." [Tanner looks around the crowd, both him and Cecil grinning widely as they show off the belts. It almost seems like Cecil is trying to blind a few people by inching the belt on his shoulder bit by bit to get some light reflecting off it. A random fan shouting, "CECIL YOU DICK" confirms this theory.] Adrian: That, is the story of three unfortunate tag-teams who were piled up in the same ring as us in Rain of Terror. A story I’d actually liked to have published, it was just so awesome. Cecil: Yeah? Adrian: Yeah! It’d be called “Help! Two tiny cruiserweights are beating our asses and taking my NEW ICWF TELEVISION TAG TEAM TITLES right out from under us, colon, The PPD story.” Cecil: And what a brilliant story it is! Beating three tag teams at the same time!? BRILLIANT! Adrian: BRILLIANT! Brandon: Didn’t you use that joke already? Adrian: ...Does it matter? It still works! Brandon: I guess that’s true... Cecil: I especially liked the part of the story where you made out with ol’ Sammy Bee. Adrian: Yeah, that was pretty sweet. Brandon: Too bad you’d never get any further than that with her. Adrian: Dude! Are you kidding? Did you see the way she looked at me after? She wants me, I’m tellin ya. Not sure I’d bother with it though, what with the whole ‘giant asshole’ thing and all. Brandon: You? Adrian: No, hers. [Zing~!] [Adrian smirks.] Adrian: So, Cecil. Buddy, pal. Here we are, standing in a ring, the BEST f*cking Tag Team in ICWF with gold around our waists! Er... On our shoulders, but still. So tell me man, is this moment just how you always pictured it’d be? [Dreamwipe to Cecil sitting on the floor of a room, with toys of Adrian and Cecil in the middle of a toy wrestling ring, with various other toys surrounding the ring in little tiny home-made chairs.] Dream-Cecil: (doing an Adrian Tanner impression) So, Cecil. Buddy, Pal. Is this moment just how you pictured it?! [Cut back to real life.] Cecil: ...There were more GI Joes in the crowd. [Adrian and Brandon stare awkwardly at Cecil.] Cecil: Er, I mean... Yeah, pretty much... was a lot smaller than I had imagined though... lots of... things... and miniature sized figures.... er... [Cecil looks around nervously, feeling the blank stares coming from everyone inside the stadium. In a desperate move to recover from his stumble, he hoists his belt into the air, which Adrian does the same, both getting a HUGE~! reaction from the crowd.] Adrian: Yeah, anyways... So, being the Kings of Television, the Emperors of Modern Media that we are, we, as the GREATEST Tag Team in ICWF today, promise you all that as long as we hold these titles... there will never be a non-entertaining portion of the show! Brandon: Well except for anytime those black guys show up. Cecil: Or anytime that doesn’t involve us, personally. Adrian: Well, yeah... But besides that~! Cecil: You know, Aids. You may say that we're the greatest tag team in ICWF, but I think the entire world has heard enough of that during this year's Hardkore World Frank, it's grown old, out of style. We need to figure out another way to describe just how awesome we are - Another way to sum up WHY we're the greatest. Adrian: You know, you're right. Let me think on this for a few minutes. [Three second pause.] Adrian: Thought it over: Because we're cool like that. Honestly, anyone who knows the SLIGHTEST bit of inkling as to who Adrian Tanner will know that I, Adrian Tanner, am a GOD when it comes to tag-teaming. I've pulled out shit that people, sitting in their hotel rooms during their prime would just DREAM of doing... Shattered dreams, would be a good way to describe it. [Adrian grins.] Adrian: Because that's what's different about not just me, but you as well, Ceece - Our dreams are NOT shattered. I mean, it's only been two matches since the news of our arrival, and what did we win? [Another raising of the belts, another pop. The crowd is loving the opportunity to express their appreciation of the newest rising tag team today.] Cecil: Shit, you know, you're right Tanner. I guess we really ARE that awesome. [Adrian nods.] Adrian: Of course we are. [Adrian motions out to the crowd.] So, when Shattered Dreams comes out later tonight and claims that because they beat Breaser they're supposed to be looked on as the BEST in the world, you all will know the truth. That being that they, like all those other teams who CLAIM it, actually aren't. The BEST Tag Team in the Business is standing... Right. Fricken. Here! [Adrian points to the mat their currently standing on.] Adrian: I mean, really? Who would ever buy Shattered Dreams as a worthwhile tag team? These guys got rejected from the NFL for being too lame! Brandon: And the NFL takes ANYBODY! Especially if their black! [Adrian and Cecil wince, but laugh. Inwardly, they hope that Babbabalou Bubblegum can realize that it was a JOKE and not cry like a little baby again, but their not holding their breaths. Adrian randomly pulls out a pair of sunglasses.] Adrian: So, on that note, since we’re not actually scheduled tonight I think it’s time we vamoose. But, I leave you all with a joke~! Hey Ceece, what do you get when you combine two incredibly generic, lame washouts with a third even MORE lame nobody, in a bad “durrr we’re gonna take over tha fed ‘n you can’t stop us” gimmick that EVERY other fed known to man has run into the ground? Cecil: ...Pat and the Shiros? [Adrian puts on the sun glasses.] Adrian: You get Shattered Dreams. “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” [The intro to CSI hits as Nextwave make their way outta the ring.] Brandon: Hey, even their own name says their losers! [Cut to something far less awesome.] |
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| Arizona's Most Wanted | Sep 29 2010, 05:00 AM Post #3 |
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The Face of S.W.A.T.
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[It’s the TUSD Pee-Wee football finals, that we open up to on this bright, sunny, hot-as-all-fuck day in Tucson Arizona. Two teams of eight year olds run into each other on a shoddily mowed grass field in an attempt to simulate a bad game of pro football. Pieces of garbage line either side of the field, and the players are all wearing tattered and torn uniforms, one team has on blue mesh shirts to simulate “jerseys” while the other has on the same, but in red.] Voice: So tell me, again why we’re at a pee-wee football game. [The ever familiar voice of the “Professor,” Brandon Young rings out past the few soccer-moms that have bothered to get away from their daily viewings of Oprah and Dr Phil to watch their kids play sports. He sits along the top of one of the bleachers with your heroes and mine, your Champions of Television, Nextwave~! Your ICWF Television Tag Team Champions are sat at the very top, with a cooler full of water between them. Adrian is wearing tan khaki shorts and a “Nextwave - Winning’s kinda what we do.” t-shirt, while Cecil has on Green Cargo shorts, a regular black tee, and a blue overshirt. He also has a bit of mustard on his goatee from today's lunch. Brandon is wearing black jean-shorts and a black, "Nextwave" T-Shirt.] Adrian: It’s not ‘just’ a football game, Brandon. Look at this place. It’s a football game, IN DA HOOD~!!! Brandon: Okay, I ask again. WHY are we at a pee-wee football game “IN DA HOOD~!!!!!” Adrian: Well, I just figured, given our opponents at the Birthday Bash show, we might wanna do some homework. And I figured since our opponents are Pro-football failures from DA HOOD, this would be an appropriate place for said homework. Brandon: I don’t think they’d consider this ‘tha hood.’ Adrian: But it's OUR 'Da Hood!' I mean, it's straight up ballin' out here in the big TUSD. Look at all the fat outta-shape chain-smokin' moms cheerin' on their overweight fatherless bitty children! This is TOTALLY the right place for this. Cecil: I think the one with the yellow-eyed failin'-liver is eyein' you, Brandon. Brandon: ...I'm really not her type. Cecil: This is 'Da Hood, Brandon. No one cares so long as you have something like this on you- [Cecil throws a (Obviously-Fake)Golden-Dollar necklace at Brandon, who catches it and eyes it suspiciously... Mainly at the noticeable chippings and teeth-marks from all the cool ghetto thugs who think they know the difference between gold and fool's gold by sinking their grills on them. Even if they had no more grills left, at least they bit onto this shoddy thing enough to turn it into a REAL grill! All you'd need is charcoal! A couple of the other women begin pointing at Brandon, flashing toothy smiles at him. Brandon throws the necklace away in disgust.] Brandon: ....REALLY not my type. Cecil: Aw, c'mon. I'm sure Kaycee would love to see her man coming home in a shitty white-tanktop, covered in about 5 gallons of Axe body spray, twenty teeth with twelve of them (Fake)Gold, and a pimpin' pimpin' Mini-Prius. Adrian: I thought they drive around in Caddies? Cecil: ...Oh shit, you're right. Sorry, I was thinking ahead of time - It'll happen soon enough; Seeing as how anything that could be regarded as "Complete and Total Crap" gets thrown in with this culture. [Country singer Tim McGraw’s body double walks by. Everyone who had previously forgotten about the abomination he and Nelly had created to make a whole new form of music (Country + Rap = CRAP) murders their TV's.] Adrian: That's what I call a Shattered Dream. (1) [Suddenly, a Nextwave Exploding Frisbee flies towards Tim McGraw's body double’s vicinity and blows up, erasing any other opportunities to further-demolish the name of music from the world, at least for his double. A nearby window from a store called, "Dreaming in Glass" gets caught in the blast and shatters to the ground.] Brandon: Man, that was pretty... anti-climatic. Cecil: Shattered "Dreams" (2) are like that. [Vile voted THIS joke a 4-out-of-5 on the humorous scale. Why can't you?] Adrian: Okay, okay, but seriously. We’re here because well, this is where the magic starts. Haven’t you ever watched any of those ‘inner city kid comes from poor family but grows up to be leet super star athlete’ movies? This is where they all start. Cecil: So it’s like a Shattered Dreams Movie Review. Little kid comes from poor family, finds out about <insert sport here.> little kid grows up, falls in love with <insert sport here.> Goes to high school, makes a name for himself, becomes a big star. Goes to college on a scholarship, family loves him cause he’s making something of himself, and then goes to the pros and- Adrian: And in the case of our opponents, fail miserably. Brandon: Well that’s not a very inspiring movie at all! Adrian: Indeed. You might say a movie like that would... ‘Shatter Dreams.’ (3) Brandon: So, we’re not out here to make fun of “DA HOOD~!!” Adrian: ...No. [Brandon gives Adrian a stern look.] Adrian: ...Maybe a little. [Adrian glances around.] Adrian: But really, we’re out here as a study in human psychology. Clearly, we need to find out what makes them ‘tic.’ So we’re here at the start of the ‘inspiration movie type’ to get a feel for our opponents. Find out how it all went so ‘wrong.’ Brandon: You mean besides them being f*cking terrible? Adrian: Yes. I think we’re all in agreement that their whole ‘POWA, MONAAAYYYY, AND BITCHES~!” shtick is not only corny as all hell, it’s also tired and completely overrated. I mean the stuff we do may be corny too, but at least we’re original. Cecil: ...Is that a shrine dedicated to Missy Elliot over there? [Cecil points over across the street, where there is in fact a shrine erected in the name of Missy Elliot... and people are dancing around it in blue-sweatshirts and sweatpants like mindless acolytes in a forbidden cult.] Cecil: ..Makes you wonder what kinda dreams those weirdos have... Brandon: Shattered ones, probably (4). Cecil: But you know, we’re not just facing the failures at the Bash... Adrian: Oh right, the “hey lets throw random people together into a tag title match they have no business being in because one of the teams in said title match (which isn’t us obviously) is terrible and couldn’t drive ratings up if they were at an actual Ratings Drive-Thru battle royal.” Cecil: That’d be the one! Adrian: Who’s all in that thing anyways? Cecil: Uh, I think... Most of the MOAT guys, Krimson, PPD, Nuff Said, Kayoken Shiro, The Dudemiester- Adrian: Wait. Hold on a second. Cecil: Alex Megalos, some guy named “Random Violence,” Adrian: Wait, wait. STOP. Cecil: ..What? Adrian: Think back a couple names. Cecil: What? Nuff Said? Brandon: Do they still not have last names? Adrian: No not them. Did... did you say what I think you said? Cecil: What? Krimson? Dudemeister? I thought we agreed that was Northstar’s name from now on. Adrian: No, dammit. Kayoken.... S... [It finally dawns on Cecil. A look of horror crosses his face.] Brandon: Oh god there’s another one?! Adrian: Kayoken... Shiro... [Adrian reaches for his iPhone, and goes to the icwf website.] Adrian: ...WHY?! Cecil: They... They let a Shiro into ICWF. Are... are they MAD? Brandon: More like desperate. Adrian: Guys, guys. It’s... Yes, okay. It’s a Shiro. And as much as seeing a Shiro in ICWF bugs me something fierce... Cmon guys, he’s a Shiro. He’ll be the first eliminated. Brandon: And then he’ll do eighty promos about how he shouldn’t have been the first eliminated because he and his Anime-loving family are so awesome and super cool and unbeatable. Adrian: The POINT is, we should be paying more attention to the other people in that thing. There’s no way this Shiro’s gonna Shatter our Dreams. (5) Cecil: So who should we be focusing on? Adrian: Well, those Krimson guys are... well, they’re something. Brandon: “Rage and Violence.” That’s almost as bad as the kids with no last name. Cecil: Technically, it’s worse. Nuff Said at least had first names. These guys are named after verbs. Adrian: I know I shouldn’t be saying this, because no person in wrestling anywhere ever gives out respect anymore, but I kinda want it to be the PPD. Brandon: You just wanna make cracks about Samantha Bevins’ huge asshole again. Adrian: ...Yes. But it’s more than that. Even though their about as bland as bland could possibly be, those guys gave us a run for our money at RoT and personally, should be IN Shattered Dreams place right now. Brandon: You mean with the World Tag Te- Adrian: Well, until we take those from them at the Bash, I mean. To me, it shoulda been us Shattering Shattered Dreams’... Dreams (6) at RoT, while the PPD went and took the World Tags from Breasar, and then us meeting the PPD at this thing. Because let’s be honest here. I saw what Babbalou Bubblegum and that guy he runs with said last show. Which was basically exactly what I told the crowd they’d say, but I digress. Cecil: At least their dreams weren't so tattered, not in the slightest bit shattered(7), quoth Nextwave, nevermore. Adrian: I saw what they said. I laughed when they, yet again, claimed how they were held back and disrespected because we were given a shot at the lesser tag titles two weeks into our debut while they had to “work for months and didn’t get handed anything cause the MAN’s always out to ‘get em,’” or something. Cecil: They claimed we were handed these belts, is what your getting at. Adrian: Yeah. And that annoys me. I mean, it’s pretty much what I expect from people with no originality like Shattered Dreams, but still. Stuff like that irks me. I’ve never been handed a thing a day in my life, and I’m not about to let some jackass NFL washout coke-fiend tell me differently. Hey, douchebags. WE got ‘handed’ a title shot because we’re fucking awesome. We walked into Monday Night Dynomite with such a strong reaction they booked an on the fly match for us for Thursday Night, that we didn’t even know about until we showed up. They put us in an extra bonus match because the People wanted to see Their Champions. They put us in that Tv Tag Title match because they had no choice. It was either that, or skyrocket us up to the World Tag match and they didn’t want us overshadowing you and those Breaser clowns just yet. But guess what, we did it anyways. Adrian: YOU two jerkoffs got suspended a week into your debut because you ran around attacking everyone and their mothers like the pussies you eventually outed yourselves to be. Cecil: You’ll notice we needed NO help to win OUR Titles. Adrian: And we aren’t gonna need any help to take yours, either. Cecil: Which is why... we're looking at PPD or Krimson to be the fiercest in this match... You know, 'sides us. Brandon: And those Krimson guys.... They already got the ANGRY thing goin on. Adrian: As Raptor Jesus as my witness, I will use our status as Kings of Television to make those two guys not so ANGRY and EVIL anymore. Cecil: Ooohh, do tell. Adrian: Oh, I have ideas... But I’ll save those for the show. [Adrian cackles evilly. Everyone stares at him.] Adrian: ...What? [More staring.] Adrian: ...Moving along. Brandon: So, when you guys get done Shattering those other guys Dreams (8), and taking all the Tag Titles, do you guys become the ICWF World Television Tag Team Champions of the World? Cecil: ...We hadn't thought of that. [Moment of silence to let that sink in.] [More silence.] [Bit more silence. Cecil's face starts to expand more than a human's face should really expand... normally, anyways. Tanner's eyes open wide.] Adrian: Holy.... Shit! Cecil: Whhhhhhhhhooooooooooaaaaaaa mmmmmmmmyyyyy ggggggooooodddd! [Adrian smacks Cecil on the back of his head. His face returns to normal.] Cecil: Sorry about that... Kinda got lost in the moment 20 seconds ago and my face couldn't keep up. Dude, Tanner.... WORLD. Television tag team. FIRST. EVER. Adrian: ....You're fucking right! What will we become the first ever of next!? Cecil: First ever tag team to dominate Shattered Dreams and those other guys in one sitting? Adrian: First ever tag team to become the highlights of ICWF's tag division in under TWO months!? Cecil: First ever tag team in ICWF to- Brandon: How about, first ever tag team that changes their motto to, "Well, we almost had it but instead we kept thinking about what the first ever's we were gonna be and totally got lost in the times and just ended up with our thumbs up our asses instead of focusing on the match?" Adrian: ....Point taken. Cecil: ....I could still Shatter their Dreams (9) with my thumb u- Adrian: STOP. I don’t wanna hear anymore. Cecil: So, now that we went through that, the question is... If we're gonna be the UNIFIED tag team champions of ICWF, what will everyone else do? Adrian: Well, they'll try to beat us of course! Cecil: But will they? Adrian: Kiddin' me? We are Nextwave, everywhere we go is showered with awesomeness and the best DAMNED thing to ever come around, with UNBROKEN dreams and a passion for this sport so powerful that no matter WHO we fight, we WILL come up on top. This event, is not gonna be any different. Cecil: Damn fuckin' straight, Ni- Adrian: Whoa whoa, don't say that word. You might make Balogun cry again. Brandon: Yeah, wouldn't wanna Shatter Martin Luther the 24th’s precious little sense of self. Adrian: He's Martin Luther the 24th in his dreams. Brandon: His... Shattered Dreams? (10)! Cecil: ...Damn straight, whitey! Adrian: ...Whitey? Cecil: ...I think I’ve spent too much time in DA HOOD. Adrian: ...I agree. [Suddenly, an eight year old kid in a blue ‘jersey’ walks up to our heroes.] Little kid: Hey you guys wanna buy some Meth. It’s all the rage in town, the anti-drug campaigns say so. Adrian/Brandon/Cecil: ............ Adrian: Yeah, we’re done here. [All three men run as fast as they can and hop over the bar at the end of the bleachers to the ground below. Cecil turns back quickly to see the poor little kid selling meth to one of the overweight mom’s a few sections below where they originally were.] Cecil: ...Don’t do drugs, kids. [Fade to a Public Services message saying, "Don't do drugs" and a shot of Cecil running for his life.] |
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| Arizona's Most Wanted | Sep 29 2010, 05:00 AM Post #4 |
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The Face of S.W.A.T.
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[Did you know that NEW ICWF Tag Team Champion of The Universe Cecil Kennedy was actually not the first of his namesake? It’s true. Cecil comes from a long line of Cecil’s. Up until recently, Cecil thought it was only 2, that he was the third. So why isn’t Nextwave billed as “Adrian Tanner Jr, and Cecil Kennedy the Third?” Some would answer, “because that’s fucking gay.” Others, would say it’s because despite Cecil’s 21 years of life, he only just recently found this out too.] [How do you go 21 years without knowing your own grandfather and father have the same name as you, one might ask? Shut up, that’s how. But that’s not the end of our tale, oh no. Far from it. You see, in actuality, it turns out Cecil’s lineage is a lot bigger than it seemed.] [The first in his bloodline was Cecil’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, Cecil the first. Cecil the first lived in the Dark Ages, where he was a knight. Some might even say he was a.... “Dark Knight.” Though not in the Batman way.] [Well, he kinda was like that. He did save people from the forces of evil and eventually became the most awesome protector of good. So I guess he’s kinda like Batman.] [Anyways... Cecil’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother, Rosa, was said to be the most beautiful woman in all the land. She and Cecil, along with a group of their closest friends, had many adventures back in the day. They even saved the World once. Some say Cecil was even the first person to actually step foot on the moon.] [Alas, thanks to The Great Time Flux of 2007, in which an incompetent actor accidentally set off an experimental device equipped to a Giant Robot, time... shifted. Due to the time shift, Platinum Pat Bozzini believes he holds some win over Adrian Tanner Jr that never actually happened, and the events of Cecil Kennedy the 234th’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents were stricken from the history books.] [The only records of the events now lay depicted in the form of a video game, which we find, as we open up to a large living room area, New ICWF Tag Team Champion of the Universe Adrian Tanner Jr, playing on a large plasma screen tv.] Adrian: Damn Zeromus is a bitch. How’d your family ever take this fuckin thing down? Cecil: ...You've been out drinking with the narrators again, haven't you. My family had nothing to do with Dragoons or Rosa or some dude named Kain who turned evil and pulled a sith-turning-jedi on everyone at the end. [Both men are wearing black “Nextwave - Winning’s kinda what we do” t-shirts.] Adrian: But... But.. The narrator just said so! The narrator doesn’t lie! [Nor do I drink.] Adrian: YEAH-UH! Cecil: Do I need to rehash the story of my family to you YET AGAIN? Adrian: Yes. Cecil: Well... It all started a long time ag- Die. [Suddenly, everyone's favorite sidekick "Professor" Brandon Young walks in, wearing a black “Notorious Wrestling” t-shirt.] Brandon: In North California, born and raised, on a playground was where he spent most of his days. Adrian: Chillin' out back, wrestlin' with all the kids and jobbers beating each other up, when a couple of guys up to no good, started trouble in his neighborhood. Brandon: He got into one little fight and his mom got mad and said, Brandon and Tanner: "You're moving with your friend Tanner in the hot ass fucking desert sun of A-Zee!" Cecil: I hate you both. Brandon: Hey bitch, that’s my line! Adrian: I bet I know what you can’t hate. Cecil: Roasting Jagi Shiro’s head on a pike in front of an open flame on the beach out in SoCal? Adrian: Well.... That. But also, this. [Adrian puts the controller down and picks up his halves of the ICWF Television and NEW World Tag Team Championship Belts with a grin on his face.] Cecil: Actually, I can, and I will. Now, these on the other hand- [Cecil walks over to a nearby table and grabs a chair, placing it in front of him and sitting on it backwards. He smiles whole-heartedly at the two gleaming humps of glorious championship-gold currently resting on the table like the sweet, sparkling angels they are.] Cecil: These, are just simply darling. Brandon: ...Suddenly, I miss Kaycee. Cecil: Shut up, "Young so goy." Brandon: ...Did we ever find out what that was supposed to even MEAN? Adrian: Nope. Does it matter? We're supposed to be focusing on how fucking awesome we are at the moment, not that guy. Brandon: Well, you guys are pretty fucking awesome right now. Adrian: I know, right? Mo-fucking Tag Team Champions of the fucking Universe here, biatch! Brandon: I thought that was the Connection’s gimmick? Adrian: Well, it was. But we only used that because Syb’s head was about 85 times the size of his body by that time thanks to his massive ego. It wouldn’t let us be simply “Greatest tag team Champions in the World.” We had to be more. These though? [Adrian again holds up his halves of the two spiffy tag titles.] Adrian: I’m not gonna say these are awesome or as special as the SWAT ones, because well, let’s face it, look who was holding em before us. But still, holding BOTH sets of tag titles in the ICWF... That pretty much makes us Co-Jesus of ICWF’s Tag Team Scene. Cecil: And in record time too. Adrian: How many matches have we had here? 3? That says about all we need to I think. Cecil: Hell, we're almost coming up to my one-year anniversary of professional wrestling... Three titles in my first year; One of them being a singles title, two of them being tag titles. Currently holding all three. Not bad, I'd say. [The Hardkore Television Championship is suddenly seen joined with the tag-belts. Cecil knows no one cares about other feds' belts, but damned it all he doesn't give a fuck.] Brandon: Eh, I’d have five if I was serious my first year of wrestling. Cecil: Five what? Fingers? Adrian: HA! So you ARE a slapping dummy! Brandon: ...Wonder what the charges for murdering two asshole wrestlers and stealing their belts is. Adrian: I wonder how long it’d take in prison before you’d be on your knees calling some big black transvestite-waiting-to-happen “daddy.” Brandon: ...Fuck you. Adrian: That’s what I’d picture you saying there too. Brandon: .....I hate you. Adrian: Speaking of “big black transvestites-waiting-to-happen....” Shattered Dreams, nice knowin ya. Cecil: Not really. Adrian: No, not really. But still. Cecil: Should you guys ever decide to return, we'll be here waitin' to kick your asses once more. Gare-Uhn-Tee-duh. Adrian: ...What was that? Cecil: ...I really need to work on my gangster speaks. Adrian: You could always take lessons from Jagi. [Cecil shudders violently. You’d shudder too if you had any clue what we were talking about. Maybe Kayoken will help you out there. Hopefully not. Hopefully he just dies in a fire. Fucking Shiros.] Cecil: On a less disturbing note... [Cecil shudders again, the notion of taking “gangsta” lessons from Jagi Shiro still not totally leaving yet.] Cecil: ...I like how, in one night, we did EVERYTHING we said we’d do two months ago AND watched as Shattered Dreams did everything we said they’d do too! Adrian: Yes, it was quite ironic how that all worked out, wasn’t it? Though, I never expected anything different. Shattered Dreams, despite all their “dreams” and “goals” of “being the most ruthless thugz gangstas hip hop yo word up dogg we taken over BLAK POWAAHHHHHH!” they claimed to have, had no intention of ever facing REAL talent. They took their little cheap-shots and attacks from behind, and then took the World Titles from two broken down shells who were in no shape to compete BEFORE the unoriginal hacks destroyed Steve Bradley prior to the match. And when the first chance to face ACTUAL talent came around, which funnily enough happened right after that other match, they fucking turned tail and RAN. They RAN from US. Brandon: As they damn well should’ve. Adrian: I’m not disagreeing with their thought pattern. Because if I was someone other than us, and I saw the show card, and saw “US vs Nextwave,” my first thoughts also would’ve been “HOLY FUCK WE’RE FACING FUCKING NEXTWAVE! RUN THE FUCK AWAY!” ...But that’s not the point. It’s the principle of the thing. Think about it. You’re Shattered Dreams Brandon: BUT I DON’T WANNA BE SHATTERED DREAMS! Adrian: ...Hypothetically, ass. Brandon: ...Right. Adrian: ...As I was saying. You’re Shattered Dreams.... [Brandon and Cecil twitch violently at the thought of BEING Shattered Dreams.] Cecil: ...Please dear god no. Adrian: ...You just won the World Tag Team Titles. The thing you’ve spent months crying and complaining about not being handed yet, and then CTI, Inc. goes and hands them to you. You’re supposed to be these hard-ass, gangsta thugz intent on ruling ICWF with an iron fist. ...Then you get placed into a tag match with the supposed “lesser” tag champs. The belts that were just created, the “second tier” titles. You cut a promo telling everyone how your “not ‘scurred’ of no ghosts,” or something. Adrian: Then when it’s time to go. When it’s time to prove just how “bad ass” you and your little thug buddiez are? You RUN. You put your tail between your fucking legs and you RUN AWAY. Sure you show up long enough to actually lose the belts, because it’s in your contract. But you don’t put any effort into it. You were gone before the bell even rang. And you know what that makes, Shattered Dreams? Brandon: Bitches. Adrian: Bitches. Fucking. Bitches. Brandon: You really don’t like those fucks, do you? Adrian: I REALLY don’t like those fucks. I don’t like that they robbed us of what should’ve been the memorably awesome fucking beatdown we deserved to give them for being such fucking useless pieces of GARBAGE. I don’t like that they acted so hard and tough and RAN AWAY at the first sight of a real fight. Because that’s not who *I* am. That’s not how I work. And quite frankly, fucks like them disgust me to the highest fucking degree. Cecil: and it's not just us who get offended, it's the fans too. But there's even something more than that - It hurts the Federation, and even MORE than that.... It hurts the prestige of what SHOULD be a glorious championship [Cecil holds up ½ of the ICWF World Tag Title.] Cecil: THIS suffers because of what you guys did. Adrian: That’s fine though. We’ll fix it. We were always planning to have to fix the damage your mockery of a reign would’ve done to these- [Adrian and Cecil both hold up their halves of the ICWF World Tag Team Titles.] Adrian: -Anyways. We’d just hoped that you two little pissant fuckers had the BALLS to face us like MEN. Obviously, we were mistaken. Cecil: Speaking of things that are disgusting... Vile... Adrian: What's disgusting about Vile? Cecil: His face? Brandon: His face? Cecil: His face. Adrian: Okay, so you're compelling argument against one half of our opponents in the next upcoming match is that his face is disgusting. Brandon: A worthless, yet viable point. Cecil: ...and he turned me into a zombie. Adrian: ...Actually that was the alien clone army things, not him. [Cecil and Brandon give Adrian a weird look.] Brandon: ..The what? Adrian: Don’t ask. Cecil: ...and he's tagging with Mr. Payne, a guy who he'd personally elect as his personal Satan's-Strut-dummy. Brandon: Now, that's just Vile (1). Adrian: ...The joke is too Payneful to bear (2). [Cecil assumes the palm-face position.] Cecil: Dear lord, not this again. Brandon: Now, that's just a viperous (3) reaction to something absolutely BRIMMING with genius. Adrian: Now now, if you keep this up a reign of Payne (4) will surely follow. Cecil: If you guys keep this up, I might have to force myself to swallow ye' 'ole vile (5) grog 'o Payne (6) Brandon: Ohhh, a two-fer. That was venomously VILE (7) of you. Guy-behind-the-Camera: STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE STOP! [The camera falls to the floor as the Camera guy goes running out of the room, screaming in tongues.] Adrian: ...Well that was just rude. Cecil: ...Raged. Adrian: ...Brandon, would you mind? Brandon: ...This is cause I’m Mexican isn’t it? Adrian: Yes. Brandon: ................. Adrian: ...You’re really gullible sometimes, you know that. Brandon: ...Kill. You. Adrian: Yeah, yeah. Less talky, more camera-guy...ey. [Grumbling to himself, Brandon picks the camera up and we’re no longer forced to stare at Nextwave’s feet while they talk.] Brandon: Alright, over here- [The camera violently points at Cecil.] Brandon: Is whiney-neurotic kid mk 2, and over here- [The camera swings towards Adrian, who greets it with a grin.] Brandon: -is whiney-ranting-asshole. These two men are YOUR ICWF World TAG TEAM champions. Fellas : Do you have anything to say to your opponents? Adrian: ...Camera guys don’t get to do introductions, douche. [Yeah, that’s my job.] Adrian: Yeah-uh. Brandon: Fuck you Narrator guy. Fuck you in your fucking- Adrian: Brandon, don’t make me call Grace. Cecil: Hey! That’s MY line! Adrian: ..And yes, I do have something to say. Y’know, it says something when the first show after all the whiners went and quit, that the first Main Event has Nextwave in it. Even if Vile hadn’t specifically asked for it, I think the fact that we stayed while all those other losers walked says something, both about our loyalty, and about ICWF’s ability to recognize pure, unadulterated awesomeness when it comes to be. We aren’t JUST staying because of these- [Nextwave hold up their two sets of Titles.] Cecil: ...We mainly are. Adrian: Okay, so we mainly are. But still, that’s only because WE aren’t the type of fucking losers who walk away from gold one match into their title reign even if they KNEW their Dreams were about to be Shattered (13) in a most Vile and Payneful (8), if we would’ve had our way, way. WE are the type who don’t- Cecil: Did you just.... work BOTH the name gags into one giant.... [Suddenly, the Narrator’s head explodes.] Brandon: Oh great. Look what you did now, Adrian! LOOK WHAT YOU DID! Cecil: Dear lord, save us from another upcoming "Divided by zero" demotivational.... Adrian: Well, that sucks. Adrian: Anyways! My point was, unlike those HACKS, we don’t run away from our challenges. We relish them. We embrace them. And I’d say we have a pretty big challenge in front of us come Monday Night. Cecil: Two guys currently enlisted in singles matches, both with some great tag-teaming experience... teaming with each other, however... That just spells out disaster; and I don't mean in the terrifying, we're-gonna-get-our-asses-kicked sort of way, either. Adrian: Dexter Payne~ the World Champ! Vile “Vince” Viper~ The fucking Brutal Legend! Two guys I’d kill to get a chance to wrestle on a normal day, and now here we are in a Tag Team match in the Main Event. And I for one, can’t wait! It’s gonna be an epic match on the scale of King Kong and The Loch Ness Monster vs Jesus fucking Christ and well... Jesus Fucking Christ’s shorter, younger twin brother. I’ll... let someone else guess which one is who, here. [Adrian smirks that trademark smile.] Cecil: Hello Mr. New narrator guy. [Hi!] Adrian: ....I have all the respect in the world, for you, Mr. Payne, and Vile knows Nextwave is like his #1 fans... But I really have to question Vile’s sanity here. Cecil: You have to QUESTION *Vile’s* SANITY?! Adrian: Yes... Yes, I do. Y’see, it’s one thing... Either of us against either of them one on one, well, there’s a good chance we might lose. But this... this is a bit different wouldn’t you think? This is Tag Team wrestling. Cecil: Shit, you're right. They're impressive Single fighters, but... there's something not like the other, with us being the other... and I think everyone in the world knows what that is. [Both men holster up BOTH the ICWF TV Tag Title AND ICWF World Tagteam Titles on their shoulders.] Adrian: This is what WE DO. We eat, breathe, sleep, dream, bleed Tag Team Wrestling. Alone, you guys are fucking awesome. Hell, as a TEAM, you guys are fucking awesome. But us, as a TEAM... ...We’re BETTER. Cecil: Plain and simple. Brandon: ...Guys, I’ve just been told that we can't get any music cut in for this promo, so we're gonna have to improvise.... Cecil: ...With what? [Brandon clears his throat.] Brandon: BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST, ARO~~~~UND! Cecil: Oh, dear GOD. [With utmost haste, our heros continue speaking.] Adrian: We do Tag Team Wrestling better than anyone on this roster, hell, I’d go so far as to say better than anyone in the World at this moment. So, Monday Night DY-NO-MITE~! It’s gonna be an epic encounter. World and IC Champ vs The Tag Champs. Fun times for all! Cecil: But you have to factor in that one key phrase. Adrian: Tag team. Cecil: That’s us. Adrian: So while you two may be the “heavy hitters,” the “Main eventers” around here, and there’s no doubt that you are.. Cecil: We’ve said it from day one and we’ll continue to prove it. Adrian: We are the tag team scene. Cecil: And that’s what your stepping into. Our scene. Brandon: Wait guys, I got a better song. Adrian/Cecil: ..... Adrian: And we’re going to keep doing what we’ve done from day one. Ruling that scene with an iron fucking fist. That means you lose, obviously. Cecil: But it’ll still be an epic match! Brandon: BECAUSE NOOOOBODY DOOOEEEESSSS IIIIIITTTT BETTTEEEEERRRRRRRRRR~! Cecil: MY EARS! [Glass shatters everywhere. Even in places where there was no glass before.] Brandon: NOBODY MAKES ME FEEL SAAAAD FOR THE REEEESSSST! Cecil: Make. Him. Stop! Adrian: The pain! It’s too unbearable! Brandon: NOBODY DOES IT HAAAALF AS GOOOOD AS YOOOOUUUUUUUUUU! [More glass shatters around them. Cecil’s ears start bleeding. Adrian starts throwing up shattered glass.] Brandon: BABY! Adrian: RUN! Brandon: BABY, YOU’RE THE BEST! [Adrian grabs Cecil and our two heroes flee the scene.] Brandon: NOOOOBODY DOOOEEEESSSS IIIIIITTTT BETTTEEEEERRRRRRRRRR~! [Fade to your mother.] |
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| Arizona's Most Wanted | Sep 29 2010, 05:01 AM Post #5 |
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The Face of S.W.A.T.
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#CUE# "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse [The lights in the area begin flashing rapidly, as the galloping horses in the intro to "Knights of Cydonia" are heard. Strobe lights search back and forth across the ramp, as the guitar kicks in. On the IntenseTron, clips of gunfights, cowboys, and wrestling flash before us, all slightly to fast to make out. Suddenly, the screen and arena blackens and huge white letters appear on the screen.] __ __ ___________ __________ \ \ \ \ | | | | \ \ | | |____ ____| | _______| \ \ /\ | | | | | |__ \ \/ \/ / | | | __| \ /\ / | | | | \/ \/ |_| |__| [The letters WTF flash for a little bit, as the song begins to really kick in.] [Add the drums- wait, don't add the drums. Add the really loud ear-bleeding thats about to come out of the P.A.] **SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCC CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH** [Told you.] [and suddenly a blast of pyros ignite the stage, revealing three figures standing on the ramp. They are, from your left to right, Chad Fury, Tyson Lane, and Lacey Michaels. And they don't look too happy right about now. Nevertheless.....] #Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town there's no need to be unhappy.# [The West Texas Freebirds make their way down the ring for their match, angrily shouting at the fans laughing and singing along with the music.] #Young man, there's a place you can go. I said, young man, when you're short on your dough. You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time.# [They all slide into the ring, where Fury and Lane scream at the ref to stop the music. It continues unabated.] #It's fun to stay at the... Y-M-C-A!# #It's fun to stay at the *BOOM!* Y-M-C-A.!# [A LOUD explosion of pyro shakes the arena as thousands of gold flyers fall from the rafters. Lacey Michaels rips one out of an audience member's hands. .....It's a NEXTWAVE flyer.] "Hey! Asshats!" [The music fades out as a familiar voice replaces it.] Adrian Tanner Jr: Over here, douchenozzles! [WTF turns around in the ring as the Intensetron comes to life, showing YOUR Undisputed, UNdefeated ICWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE UNIVERSE, Nextwave~! standing in front of an ICWF background somewhere backstage, the ICWF Television and World Tag Team Titles resting on their shoulders.] Adrian: Hellooooo Nurse! How d'ya guys like the new theme? I thought it suited you two fairies much better than the Muse theme. [Adrian grins that trademark smirk that wrestlers everywhere hate, yet wrestling FANS everywhere can't seem to get enough of.] Cecil: So you guys are the "West Texas Freebirds," eh? Adrian: You guys are the new super-awesome incredibly amazing unbeatable team of amazingness that's gonna stop US, that's the gist of it. Amirite? Cecil: I believe the exact words were... [Cecil uses a mock-Texan/southern accent.] Cecil: "None of y'all could even be the opening match in some of the feds we've been in!" [Your heroes share a mock grab their cheeks in mock shock.] Adrian: OH NOEZ~! Cecil: Not that! Adrian: Anything but that! Cecil: The most cliched line in the history of "new guys joining a new fed and want to make themselves look cool and hip," ever. Adrian: Look fellas, you want a shot at us? You don't gotta wait "six weeks" or whatever it was. We're right here. You wanna go, you name the place, you name the time. We'll be there. Cecil: But dont go getting your little hopes up too quickly. \ Adrian: WE- Cecil: Are Nextwave. Adrian: We are the Undefeated- Cecil: Undisputed Adrian: Title-winning- Cecil: Giant Robot Riding Adrian: Career-ending Cecil: Dream-shattering (13) Adrian: Champions of the ICWF UNIVERSE. We have seen and done things that would make your granddaddy cower in fear- Cecil: Things that would make your granddaddy's grandaddy take his own life so he wouldn't force your granddaddy, and by extension, you, to face the kind of unsurmountable odds you face when dealing with us. Adrian: We are a Tag team dream-machine. Cecil: Except this dream tends to turn into nightmares for anyone not named us. Adrian: So before you take up our challenge which was really your challenge that we threw back at you, ask yourself. REALLY ASK YOURSELF. Cecil: Do you have what it takes to stare Optimus fricken Prime in his face and live to tell the tale? Adrian: We do. Cecil: We do. Adrian: Whether you do or not, is a question we'll be happy to answer later. We'll see you soon, "gentlemen." I just pray you understand just what you'll be getting into. Cecil: I don't think they do, Adrian. Adrian: They will. So help me, Raptor Jesus, they will. [Cut to black.] |
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10:44 AM Jul 11
